BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 20 - 12:11 PM

Four and a half year old Kodaly asked his dad, "Where does poo come from?" Unfortunatly dad was a nerd, "Well son it all begins with the sense of smell a taste. Acceptable smells and tastes allow for the injestion of proper food. In fact the bitter taste of alkoloids which often are poison are rejected. When the food reaches the stomach enzymes and even strong acids are added via secretion and allowed to pass further into the digestive tract to be acted upon by the liver, gall bladder and pancreas where the far flung islets of langerhans...
BUT DADDY - WHAT HAPPENED TO POOH, TIGER AND PIGLET??
Just a minute son, I haven't even gotten to the colon...wha?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Nov 20 - 08:30 PM

It isn't a coup unless it comes from the Coup d'Etat region of France.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling authoritarian takeover.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Nov 20 - 07:56 AM

A donkey and an elephant are both sitting on the far ends of a park bench reading a newspaper. Up walks a donkey with a trunk and thick legs and asks if there is room in the middle of the park bench saying "Is there room?". The donkey and elephant plop down their newspapers in the middle and say "NO".
The hybrid says "Oaky Dokey then".

Happy election day, at long last.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Oct 20 - 06:02 PM

There's a fine line between a fish in the water and a fool on shore.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Oct 20 - 12:05 AM

Where did the mermaid meet her fisherman lover?

Online, of course!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Oct 20 - 07:40 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Neil D
Date: 22 Aug 20 - 11:07 PM

There once was a monastery where all the monks took a vow of silence, with one exception. Each year on the date of the founding of their order one monk was granted permission to speak one sentence. One year it was Brother Theodoric's turn and he stood up during the evening meal and said: "I don't like these potatoes."
The next year it was Brother Athelstan's turn and he said: "I like the potatoes, actually." A year later Brother Cuthbert rose and stated: "I am leaving this order because of all the constant bickering."































;

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Aug 20 - 10:38 PM

Shelly Goldberg had never had a spiritual experience until one night an invisible booming voice proclaimed 'GOLDBERG SELL YOUR BUSINESS FOR CASH'. Goldberg was stunned but obeyed the voice. In the morning he awoke to a command of 'GOLDBERG GO TO LOS VEGAS'. Without discussion he was on a flight that night. In Vegas he heard 'GOLDBERG PUT THE MONEY ON ONE GAME OF BLACKJACK'. Tearfully he did and stood on 18 while the dealer had 17. 'GOLDBERG TAKE ANOTHER CARD', shaking, he drew an ace. 'GOLDBERG TAKE ANOTHER CARD'. Breaking down he drew a second ace. Still the voice beckoned 'TAKE ANOTHER CARD GOLDBERG'. Shelly sat motionless and finally took another card. It was an ace for 21 and the voice shouted 'HOLY SHIT GOLDBERG YOU LUCKY BASTARD'.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Greum
Date: 21 Aug 20 - 03:25 PM

A chap sees a couple of workers out of his window and watches them for a while. The first guy digs a hole, then the other guy comes along and fills the hole in. They do this every 10 metres or so. After a while the chap can't watch any longer, and he goes to ask them what they are doing. "Oh," says the first guy. "We're from Herts Highways. There's usually three of us, but the lass who puts the tree in the hole called in sick this morning!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 20 Aug 20 - 05:03 AM

This just in on the exam regrade: Dominic Raab is henceforward Dominic RBBC.

(I'll get em mortarboard)
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 20 - 09:17 PM

I can do the algebra... It's the arithmetic that screwed me up.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Aug 20 - 09:12 PM

Right. If you do the algebra, you will find that the age of the child is minus three-quarters of a year.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Aug 20 - 04:11 AM

Silly me! He won't be worrying about anything - he's too busy making babies.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Aug 20 - 04:07 AM

He won't be changing diapers yet. He will probably be worrying about how his wage is going to keep three mouths fed, once the baby is born.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Aug 20 - 10:25 PM

Changing diapers?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Aug 20 - 09:19 PM

A mother is 21 years older than her child.
Exactly 6 years from now, the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.
What is the father doing?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Aug 20 - 02:47 PM

AndAbba have been downgraded to BCCB.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Aug 20 - 10:46 AM

Good news for music students. Following the latest OFQual upgrade AC/DC are now ABBA.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Aug 20 - 09:20 AM

Charles Dickens' book "a Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in two newspapers:

It was the Bicester Times
And the Worcester Times.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jul 20 - 09:47 AM

FYI I am having a hard time telling that joke to Murricans.

How do divas warm up?
Do re mi me me me me ME!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jul 20 - 09:10 AM

S-knicker!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL
Date: 28 Jul 20 - 03:15 AM

Knockknock!

…

Nicolas

…

- girls shouldn't climb trees.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 02:30 PM

Dwayne the bafftub, I'm dwowning!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 01:45 PM

Dwayne in Spain?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 01:13 PM

Who's there? [I pretend someone asked]

Dwayne!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 12:04 PM

He's an old one I recycled for a recently deleted thread:

I took a viagra last night but in stuck in my throat and I wound up with a stiff neck.

...got my coat in hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 11:24 AM

Go way unless you're wearing a mask

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 11:09 AM

Hahaha!

Knock, knock!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bainbo
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 10:34 AM

Before he became famous, Little Richard used to cut back overgrown gardens for a living.

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Jul 20 - 08:30 AM

Wonder if this works outside Ireland - heard it in the paper shop this morning

A man walks into a greengrocer's shop in Dublin and asks for "half a cauliflower" - he is told that they aren't allowed to sell half-vegetables
The man is furious and says,"I only want a half - go check with the manager"
The shop assistant goes into the back office and, not noticing the customer has followed him in, says to the boss - "There's a bollix in the shop asking for half a cauliflower"
The boss indicates the man is behind him and the assistant continues quickly, "But luckily this gentleman will have the other half"
The customer leaves the shop satisfied
The boss turns to the assistant and says, "I compliment you on your quick response there - you're new here, were are you from ?"
"Galway" he says, "I left because the place is full of hoors and hurlers nowadays"
Offended, the boss says, "I'm from Galway"
"Who do you play for?", the man asks
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Jul 20 - 10:31 PM

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store and was rushed to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with medical forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!"

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jul 20 - 02:03 PM

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 20 - 05:19 PM

What is fast, loud, and crunchy?

A rocket chip!

[Works better for Americans...]

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Jun 20 - 06:51 AM

Or did I mean Atilla the Bun ?
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Jun 20 - 06:51 AM

What't lethal and comes out of the oven ?
Genghis Flan
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 20 - 06:49 PM

What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 20 - 06:46 PM

What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things *so* literally.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 29 May 20 - 05:10 PM

30 Target stores in Minneapolis are closed due to riots.
3 Target stores were burned or damaged.



Andy Svenson

The civil unrest in Minneapolis and St. Paul has left a trail of burned out buildings, smashed windows, and looted stores across the Twin Cities.

Here are the reports of damage or looting that have come in since Wednesday evening. This story will be update as more reports come in:

In Minneapolis
– O'Reilly Auto Parts 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Family Dollar 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Pat's Tap 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– B-Squad Vintage 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Speedway 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Casablanca Foods 33rd and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Valerie's 32nd and Nicollet: Property damage.

– A Automall Inc. East Lake: Property damage, vehicles stolen.

– Speedway at 60th and Portland: Property damage.

– Broadway Clinic North Minneapolis: Property damage.

– Juxtaposition Arts North Emerson: Property damage.

– Sew Simple Nicollet and 24th: Property damage, looting.

– Park and Lake Car Wash on East Lake Street Windows broken, graffiti and some interior damage.


– Park-Nicollet Minneapolis Clinic: Property damage.

– Arby's Lake Street: Destroyed by fire.

– K-Mart Lake Street: Property damage.

– Penzey's Spices Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Walgreens Hennepin and 27th: Property damage.

– Midori's Floating World Cafe Lake Street: Fire damage.

– GM Tobacco Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– McDonald's Lake and 31st: Property damage.

– Walgreens Central and Lowry in Northeast: Property damage.

– Wells Fargo Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Ladditude Tattoo Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– LV's Barbershop Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– The Hub Bike Co-op Minnehaha and 30th: Property damage.

– J-Klips Lake Street: Property damage.

– 5 Guys Hennepin and 24th: Property damage.

– Holiday Hennepin and 25th: Property damage.

– Honda Town Lake and 43rd: Property damage.

– Tires Plus Lake and 34th: Property damage.

– Hennepin County Human Service Center: Property damage.

– ICC Wireless Lake Street: Property damage.

– Jackson Hewitt Tax Service: Property damage.

– Little Caesars Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Teppanyaki Grill Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Home Choice Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Dollar General Lake Street: Extensive fire damage.


– Twin Lake Dental: Fire and property damage.

– HD Laundry Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Citi Trends Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Total Wireless Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Pineda Tacos Lake Street: Property damage.

– Subway Lake Street: Property damage.

– 7 Mile Fashion Express East Lake Street: Destroyed by fire

– The Fremont Bar Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– O'Reilly Auto Parts West Broadway: Extensive fire damage.

– Broadway Liquor Outlet West Broadway: Property damage, looting.

– Quality Tobacco Lake and 1st: Extensive fire damage.

– Skol Liquor Store 27th Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Max-It Pawn Shop Cedar Avenue: Extensive fire damage.

– Minnehaha Liquor Lake Street: Property damage, looting, extensive fire damage.

– Hexagon Bar at E 26th and 27th: Extensive fire damage.

– Target Lake Street: Looting, graffiti, property damage, fire damage.

– Wendy's Lake Street: Fire, destroyed.

– Autozone Lake Street: Fire, destroyed.

– Cub Foods Lake Street: Looting, property damage, fire damage.


Lou Raguse
?
@LouRaguse
The owners of this Cub gave me permission to show the damage inside

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– Under construction affordable housing development at 26th and 29th: Fire, destroyed.

– 7-Sigma building, 26th and 29th: Fire, extensive damage.

– Minneapolis 3rd Police Precinct: Property damage, graffiti.

– Dollar Tree off Lake Street: Property damage, looting.

– Metro by T-Mobile Lake Street: Fire, extensive damage.

– Hi Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– Speedway East Lake Street: Property damage.

– East Lake Library: Windows smashed, graffiti.

– Precision Tune Auto Care Lake Street: Property damage.

– U.S. Bank Lake Street: Property damage, graffiti.

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– Dairy Queen East Lake Street: Property damage.

– Papa Murphy's Pizza East Lake Street: Property damage.

– Planet Fitness on Lake: Property damage.

– Domino's Pizza 26th and 28th: Property damage.

– Urban Forage Winery and Cider House, Lake and 29th: Property damage, looting.

– Gandhi Mahal Restaurant, 27th and Lake: Window smashed.


Evan Frost
@efrostee
Some businesses like Gandhi Mahal have put up signs that they are minority owned, in hopes of not being looted. Still windows broken.

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– Car-X Tire & Auto East Lake Street: Property damage, vehicle smashed through windows.

– Frattelone's Ace Hardware East Lake Street: Property damage.

– MN Transitions Charter School: Property damage.

– Laundro Max East Lake Street: Window smashed.

– Soderberg's Floral & Gift East Lake Street: Property damage.

– East Lake Clinic: Property damage.

– Seward Pharmacy: Window smashed, graffiti.

– Electra Tune Auto Care on Lake St: Property damage, vehicle stolen.

– Walgreens at 43rd and Chicago: Property damage, looting.

– Elevated Beer Wine & Spirits, Hiawatha Ave: Property damage, looting.

– Schooner's Tavern, barbershop next door: Fire, property damage.

– Seward Co-op, 28th and Franklin: Window smashed, attempted theft of ATM.

– Midtown Global Market: Property damage, looting.

Screen Shot 2020-05-28 at 9.16.39 AM
Seward Community Co-op, Facebook

– Briva Health Lake Street: Window smashed.

– Foot Locker East Lake Street: Property damage, looting.

– BMO Harris East Lake Street: Property damage.

– TCF Bank at 38th and Minnehaha: Property damage.

– Studiiyo23 Hennepin Avenue, Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– DTLR, Broadway, North Minneapolis: Property damage, looting.

– Uptown Pawn: Property damage, looting.

– La Familia Skate Shop: Property damage.

– Target Uptown: Property damage, looting.

Target Uptown
Spencer Wallman

– Chicago & Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– East Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– Ingebretsens on Lake: Property damage, windows smashed.

– Freewheel Bike: Property damage, windows smashed.

– Hamdi Restaurant, Midtown: Property damage, graffiti.

– Hudson's Hardware, East 42nd Street: Property damage and looting.

– Birchwood Cafe, East 25th Street: Property damage.


– CVS Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Timberland Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Sunnys Wigs 29th and Lyndale: Property damage.

– Thurston Jewelers West Lake Street: Property damage.


– Banadir Pharmacy West Lake Street: Property damage and looting

– Sephora Uptown: Property damage.

– Gamestop Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Indulge and Bloom, Uptown: Property damage.

– H&M Uptown: Windows smashed.

– Apple Store Uptown: Windows smashed., looting.

– Urban Outfitters Uptown: Door window smashed.

– Smokeless Northeast: Vandalized, closed till further notice.

– AutoZone at 501 West Broadway, North Minneapolis: Unconfirmed report of looting, property damage.

– Buzzmart, downtown Minneapolis: Property damage.

– Town Talk Diner, Lake Street: Extensive property damage.


Miguel Otárola
@motarola123
Charles Stotts took me inside Town Talk Diner, which he has owned on Lake Street for four years. It's destroyed. #GeorgeFloyd

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In St. Paul
– Turf Club: Property damage.

– Gordon Parks High School: Property damage.

– Trader Joe's St. Paul: Property damage, looting.

– A1 Lock Service on Snelling: Property damage

– Holiday Station at Wabasha and Plato: Property damage and looting.

– Gold'n Treasures on Grand Ave: Property damage and looting.

– Speedway at Grand and Cleveland: Extensive fire damage.

– T-Mobile at Excelsior and Grand: Property damage, looting.

– 1st Grand Avenue Liquors on Grand and Milton: Property damage, looting.

– Foot Locker Midway: Extensive fire damage.

– GameStop Midway: Extensive fire damage, looting.

– To New York Midway: Property damage.

– Peking Garden Midway: Property damage.

– Lloyd's Pharmacy Snelling and Minnehaha: Destroyed by fire.

– Target Midway: Property damage, looting.

– CVS University Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Max It Pawn Shop University Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Verizon Store Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Noodles & Co Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Vitamine Shoppe Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Big Top Liquors Midway: Property damage.

– TJ Maxx Midway: Property damage, small fire.

– Sprint store Midway: Property damage, looting.

– Midway Tobacco Outlet Plus: Property damage

– NAPA Auto Parts University Avenue: Property damage, fire.

– T-Mobile on Arcade and York: Property damage, looting.

– LeeAnn Chinn Midway: Property damage, graffiti.


– America's Best Contacts & Eyeglasses Midway: Property damage, graffiti.

– Furniture Barn Midway: Property damage, graffiti, fire.

– BP on University Avenue: Property damage.

– Walgreens on Randolph and Snelling: Property damage, looting.

– Discount Tire Co. Midway: Property damage.

– O'Reilly Auto Parts Lexington: Property damage, fire.

– TCF Bank Lexington and University: Property damage.

– Lululemon Grand Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Speedway University Ave: Property damage, fire.

– Ananya Dance Theater University Ave: Property damage.

– Springboard for the Arts University Ave: Property damage, fire.

– 7-Mile Sportwear University Ave: Property damage, looting.

– Fire n Ice Chicken: Property damage.

– Liquor Barrel on West 7th: Property damage, looting.

– Moellers Jewelry, Highland: Property damage.

– The Fixery, Highland: Property damage.

– Bole Ethiopian Restaurant: Fire.

– Enterprise University Avenue: Fire.

Twin Cities suburbs
– The Jewelers Saint Anthony: Property damage.

– GameStop Brooklyn Center: Property damage, looting.

– Walmart Brooklyn Center: Property damage, looting

.– T-Mobile Store Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Family Dollar Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Walgreens 63rd and Brooklyn Blvd., Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Western Service Center, Apple Valley: Propert, fire, and water damage.

TAGSAUTOZONEMINNEAPOLIS RIOTSST. PAULMINNESOTALOOTINGGEORGE FLOYDTARGET
BY ADAM UREN damaged

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 May 20 - 09:00 PM

A long time ago, a country doctor was consulted by a woman who thought she might be pregnant, but, taking account of her age, this doctor also diagnosed trapped wind. She went on her way and the doctor didn't see her for something over a year; she was wheeling a pram, and it contained a baby (being designed for the purpose).
"Oh... I see you were pregnant after all," he said, in some surprise.
"Not at all," she responded, "thon's jist a fart wi' a hat on it."

Based on a True Story.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 May 20 - 06:36 AM

A doctor arrived at his surgery one morning to find a large bag on the doorstep. He looked inside and found a new born baby with a note saying "Please look after my child". As a medical professional, he knew that it was a responsibility he could not shirk but there would be so many forms to fill in and he had patients waiting. He took it inside and examined it. As the baby seemed in good health, he decided to deal with his morning patients before handing it over for further care.

The first patient was the local vicar, a hypochondriac whom the doctor knew well. He had suffered every disease known to man and, this morning, was complaining of acute stomach pains. The doctor suspected trapped wind but thought that if, this time, he could convince him that it really was something serious, it might shock him out of his hypochondria. The situation gave him the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

He told the vicar to drop his trousers, lie on the examination table and open his legs. The doctor then pressed on the vicar's belly, causing him to let out a long fart. The doctor picked up the baby and said "Congratulations! You have given birth to a healthy boy".
"B..b..but I can't have done" stammered the vicar, "It's not possible!"
"God moves in mysterious ways" replied the doctor.

The vicar, being a good Christian, accepted his apparent responsibilities a brought the child up as his own. When the boy reached the age of 18, the vicar thought that it was time that he knew the truth. It was a difficult conversation but it had to be done. He said "You have always been my son and always will be. You have grown up calling me Dad but, in fact, I am not ACTUALLY you father.

Looking rather shocked at the news, the young man asked "Then who is my father?"

In an anguished tone, the vicar replied "The bishop!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 26 May 20 - 08:59 AM

And that craves wary washing.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 26 May 20 - 08:43 AM

Forgotten about that GS - thanks
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 May 20 - 08:23 AM

Jim Carroll,,,, You added    'Mathematicians favourite bathtime pastime !
To fart in the bath and count the bubbles' .... Just to let you now that they are collectively known as 'Puff adders'.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 May 20 - 10:57 PM

Hahahahahahahaha *snort* heehee!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 25 May 20 - 10:46 PM

Maybe this one's a bit derivative in form:

What's red, white and blue, with a long wooden pole, and still looked up to by many people in India?
Mother Teresa with a spear through her skull.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 20 - 10:10 PM

I know bad jokes are good and good jokes aren't bad.
I even understand your dad was a great joke teller and honouring 'the joke thread' is like honouring your dad and there isn't anything bad about that. Bad jokes were never meant to harm. You should excuse the bad jokes because one mans joke is another mans shining diamond stuck in a goats ass.
Jim often polishes up the archeaic joke which is historicly interesting.
Robin Williams had more bad jokes than George Carlin but they were both funny.
If you don't like a show, change the channel. If you hate a joke, don't laugh but being the humor gestapo is imo offensive.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 20 - 04:47 PM

You appear to not understand humour. Over and out.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 20 - 04:29 PM

Steve Shaw - SS officer of jokes
I don't think there is a good tasting joke here.
Thats what makes them jokes. There are delicious jokes but they are rare. To me what is funny is an oblique take on the unspeakable truth.
Instead of clogging YOUR thread up with vindictives try a PM pal.
btw I am glad you are begining to think.

Aren't most the jokes about; farts shit piss sex death hypocrisy and ignorance
- and what tastes good about those?
The way they are told I suppose.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 May 20 - 08:42 AM

I'll have to wipe my grin off before I go into town Doug - might bump into the local Canon

My dad (a excommunicated Catholic) used to joke about the name of a popular tobacco, 'Three Nuns' "Nun today, nun tomorrow, nun next week'

A prank rather than a joke
Our local beauty spot by the sea used to house a very active convent and school and also a smell popular thatched hotel (now the massive modern Armada Hotel)
They were re-roofing the small hotel at one time using English workers who used to drink in our local music pub Friel's where many of the clientele ans the publican couple spoke Irish
One night they decided to teach the roofers Irish - the phrase “Pog Mo Thoin,” (pron. poge mahone meaning "kiss my arse" was the favourite) - they were persuaded it meant "good morning"
Totally unaware, the lads would shout in Irish at the passing nuns "kiss my arse" until some humanitarian explained the joke
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 May 20 - 07:55 AM

Two nuns had just been brought sharply to task by the Mother Superior for some minor indiscretion. As she walked away, one nun said "The Reverend Mother seems to have got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning". "That's true enough" said the other. "She's wearing Father O'Brian's boots".

DC