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BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM
Mrrzy 27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM
Mr Red 27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM
Jim Carroll 26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM
Mr Red 25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM
Senoufou 25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM
gillymor 24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM
Mrrzy 24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM
Donuel 24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM
Donuel 24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM
Doug Chadwick 24 Mar 20 - 05:38 AM
Jim Carroll 22 Mar 20 - 09:36 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 20 - 07:13 AM
Donuel 21 Mar 20 - 09:30 AM
gillymor 21 Mar 20 - 08:53 AM
Mr Red 21 Mar 20 - 08:46 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Mar 20 - 08:27 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 20 Mar 20 - 06:48 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 20 - 06:31 PM
Doug Chadwick 20 Mar 20 - 06:17 PM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 02:34 PM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 02:18 PM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 02:12 PM
Jim Carroll 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 20 - 09:59 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 08:23 AM
Jim Carroll 20 Mar 20 - 08:04 AM
gillymor 20 Mar 20 - 08:03 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 07:46 AM
Donuel 20 Mar 20 - 06:52 AM
Jim Carroll 20 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM
BobL 20 Mar 20 - 03:36 AM
Donuel 19 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Mar 20 - 01:20 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Mar 20 - 06:06 PM
Jim Carroll 18 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM
Georgiansilver 18 Mar 20 - 09:38 AM
Jim Carroll 18 Mar 20 - 06:33 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM

An Italian millionaire had a mansion built in Millionaire's Row in London
When it was finished he was highly pleased with everything but he demanded of the site manager "Where's the Halo Statue"
Puzzled, the man went out and purchased a large stature of The Virgin Mary
"No, no, no!!" screamed the man, holding his hand to his ear "Halo 's t'at you"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM

I am reminded of my mom, whose Hungarian accent lightly overlaid with German, Serbian and French, made her English, shall we say, interesting. An interested cabbie once asked her where her accent was from, and she said, Eet comes frrom trrrying to speak Eenglish!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM

" "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)"
Bee interested to know where that came from

My family were among those who fled the Famine and they still told (surprisingly humourous stories of those times
A Connemara man, naving been told that the streets of England were lined with gold, set out on the great journey
Landing in Liverpool, he was walking up the Floating Roadway when he say a half crown gleaming on the floor
He bent to pick it up, paused, straightened and kicked it in The Mersey saying "Feck it - I'll start in the morning"

My dad wa a reluctant navvy and he spent a great deal of time helping organise the men for winning better conditions on the sites
When he left, after my twin sisters were born, he kept in touch with his former mates who were constantly asking his advice
We were living in Kirkby, not far from The East Lancashire Road so one day two of them working there knocked on the door asking him could he help organise a meeting
He went to the local Priest who was sympathetic and got permission to use the local Church Hall - on the night of the meeting, he went with his mates - this was around the time that the church were using Bingo sessions to raise money
My day came home from the meeting and told the family, "They've got a new game over there - the proest hands outt cards with numbers on them and then calls out a series of number - if you get the right ones, you win a prize,
He's calling the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can#'t win
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM

quote of Fakebook - ironical - waht?

We didn't have a fake News until we had a Fake President...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM

A woman getting on in years was delivered of her tenth child
The doctor took her aside and told her that, at her age, maybe it was time she stopped having children
"I kniow doctor" she said, "it's all because of my being hard of hearing"
"How do you mean" asks the doctor ?
"Well", she says, "Each night we go to be bed he asks, ""Shall we go to sleep or what ?"" - I always say ""What?""
Jim Caarroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store, where he...






...ordered a dozen sausages in perfectly intelligible English.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM

It seems that tourists are particularly liable to ask the wrong question of the wrong peasants. Coming to a ford similar to that mentioned above, one visitor to the area asked a nearby local, one J---- D----, whether there were "a good bottom to it" (and therefore safe to cross). He was assured that there was indeed a good bottom.

Emerging, predictably and spluttering from the water, which was much deeper than expected, he roared at the local, "you said it had a good bottom to it!" In response, he was calmly told, "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM

Boy in Catholic confessional: "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you!”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads ..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM

An Amrican tourist drving a big car touring Devon, turned off the main roads and becan to explore the rural back lanes
Not noticing how narrow they were getting, he eventually found himself inable to go back and had to proceed forwward untileventually he reached a stream which crossed the road as a ford
Worried at the possible depth, he degts out of the acr and spaeks to an elderly farmer leaning on his gate
On asking him how deep it was he was told, somewhat laconically, "You'll be all right sir"
He climbs back in and proceeds - the river rises over the tyre level and eventually begins to flood into the car
Furious, he gets out, wades ashore, and storms back to the farmer
"I thought you said I'd be all right" he shouted
"Well sir, it only comes half-way up my ducks", came the reply
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM

Richard Feynman talk, "Los Alamos From Below"

1.3 hours, 10 laughs a minute. Yet very inspiring, he was a comedy genius as well one of the best physicists of his era. If you are self-isolating well worth waiting for the story of the safes at the end.

Enjoy


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM

A man with a long term problem of a dripping willie gets fed up of the embarrassment and ruined clothes and goes to the doctor for advice
He is told, "there's no regular cure, but I have a colleague who believes he's come up with the answer"
The man goes to see him and the colleague explains, "I'm pretty sure it works but the operation is pretty painful; I have to take a hair from your nose and insert it as far up your penis as I can manage"
He agrees and undergoes the very uncomfortable process and is told, "now go off and try it"
He does so, has a pee and waits; he is dismayed to see a large dewdrop appear
It hangs there; he waits and waits and waits, until finally his willie gives a huge "sniffff"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM

I know I've told this numerous times - my favourite, told to us by a retired building worker from Clare, an ex farmer, fisherman and curragh maker living in Deptford
A Clare farmer was working in the fields when he caught his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire
He did nothing about in until, after a few weeks, it began to redden, get sore and swell
It became so bad he was forced finally to go to Ennis hospital where he was told it had become gangrenous and would have to be removed
A neighbour came to see him the day after the operation and asked, "How did it go Tommy?"
"Bad and good" he replied, "they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible" the neighbor said
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM

A chap with a wooden leg was hopping down the High Street, and as he progressed he was seen pouring melted caramel over his head.
Turns out he was on his way to a fancy dress party, going as a toffee apple.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM

Queen Victoria at Chatham again
She prided herself on her stoicism and was determined not to comment on the horrors she was shown, no matter how bad
As her visit proceeded she suspected she was being sheltered from some of the worst, so she demanded to see them all
Reluctantly her hosts conducted her to a locked room at the back of the hospital where they treated some of the very worst cases - missing limbs, some limbless, blindness, maiming beyond belief.... everything imaginable
She never commented
She noticed a curtained-off section at the very back and demanded to be shown what it contained - they attempted to argue, but she demanded her royal right
In the room was a single bed that, at first appeared to be empty - when they drew back the covers there was a single ear on the pillow
She gasped and drew back in horror- "that's awful", she said
"I know Your Majesty", said the doctor, "and it's deaf"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM

I was told this by a Liverpool docker we recorded who fought in the trenches in WW1
He was worried I would take it as being racist - it wasn't, of course, neither was he
A West Indian living in Liverpool was told by the doctor he was dying and was asked would he like to donate his body parts - he said he would, but only if they would tell him who was getting his heart
Reluctantly, the doctor agreed and gave him the name and address of the recipient, somewhere in Toxteth, on the east side
He went along to the address and knocked at the door; out came a huge, beer-bellied thug, body, piercing, skinhead haircut, Union Jack tee-shirt, the lot
"What the ***** do you want ?" he was asked.
"To tell you the truth, I've found out I'm dying and have donated my body to medical science - you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that" came the reply, "I thought you were coming to live next door"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM

A couple of 'Lime Street' jokes - probably told them before, but I need cheering up
AS friends of 'Maggie May' will know, Lime Street was once the notorious Liverpool 'Red Light' district, particularly in wartime and when Liverpool was a major seaport
Two friends ran a fish and chip shop on Lime Street but when WW2 came, what with the difficulty of fishing because of the UBoats and the rationing of potatoes, it became nearly impossible to get supplies and custom dropped to a standstill
One day one of them said to his mate, "Let's pack in the shop and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", said his mate, "If we can't sell fish and chips how are we going to sell soup ?"

A mouse was crossing the tramlines on Lime Street one night - as he reached the centre the tram's front wheels ran over his tail and cut it clean off
As he turned to see if he could find it, the back wheels cut his head off
The moral of the story - Don't lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM

Not funny, not clever, wtf are they doing on a joke thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM

Then, um, why are they here?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM

(the heart goes on)

Every night on TV
I see it, I hear it
That's how I know Covid goes on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Here, there, wherever you are
I believe that the virus goes on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my nose
And my cough will go on and on
Covid can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone

Once more…you open the door...


These are not meant to be funny in case you didn't know


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Subject: RE: BS: Sweet Caroline
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM

Where it began, I can't begin to knowing
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who'd have believed it would come along
Hands, not touching hands
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you

Sweet Quarantine
Good times never seemed so bad
I've been inclined
To believe we never could
But now I
Look at the night and it don't seem so lonely
We filled it up with only two
And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt without holding you
One, not touching one
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you…
Sweet Quarantine...








Source: LyricFind


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 05:38 AM

The latest Russian coronavirus patient has been named:- Ivor Chestikov.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Mar 20 - 09:36 AM

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert are being shown around the Crimea War military hospital at Chatham and the Queen is stopping at each bed to talk to the soldiers
At the first asks, "What are you here for soldier?"
"Piles ma-am", he said
And what treatment will you get?" she asked
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply.
"And what are your ambitions soldier?" she asked
"To get well, get back to the front and fight for Queen and country ma-am" he said proudly   
On to the next.
"And what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, I'm ashamed to say ma-am" he replied
Unfazed, she asked, "And what's the treatment, soldier?"
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply."
"And what are your ambitions when you are cured soldier?" she asked
"To get well, get back to the front and fight for Queen and country ma-am" he said proudly   
She nodded and moved on to the next man
"And why are you here, soldier?"
"Acute pyorrhea of the gums ma-am" he mumbled
"And what's the treatment for that soldier?"
"Rub of the wire brush ma-am", came the reply."
"And what are you hope for soldier?" she asked
"To get treated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am" he said
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 20 - 07:13 AM

Q. How do you turn a duck into an R&B singer?


A. Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

I'll. get me coat again...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 09:30 AM

Corona with Lyme = love it.

Many Musicians are offering new lyrics
Billy Joel 'And we are All Fired Together'


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 08:53 AM

Here's one Neil D. put up in another thread:

I'm a guy with Corona virus looking for a woman with Lyme disease.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 08:46 AM

One thing we can learn form history is: that we don't learn anything from history.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Mar 20 - 08:27 AM

When we have all died of the Corona virus and some aliens land on this planet..... They will assess that we have all died of the virus but will wonder why all our backsides are so clean.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:48 PM

Many a true word said in jest? Yesterday, Elizabeth Windsor, plus corgi, made way for our new Buckingham Public Hospital.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:31 PM

He's said both, in two different threads, Doug. That's fine. But, in this thread, there was no joke. Donuel can't do jokes. I suppose there comes a point when he's so bloody unfunny that he becomes funny. We have a long way to go.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:17 PM

Subject: RE: BS: New rules for the coming pandemic
From: Donuel - PM
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 01:49 PM

...
The US Preident just said moments ago "I have not received the credit I deserve".

- CLEARLY SINCE HE'S NOT BEEN HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE mUSSOLINI



So, which one was it Donuel, Boris or Donald?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 02:34 PM

Boris just said moments ago "I have not received the credit I deserve".

- CLEARLY SINCE HE'S NOT BEEN HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE MUSSOLINI


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 02:18 PM

Relax and have a nice bowel of chicken soup.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 02:12 PM

Steve you're not supposed to take Colon Blow up your nose.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 AM

Then there was the constipated mathematician who was forced to work it out with a pencil
Get my coat while you're there Steve
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM

There was this mathematician who was so scared of negative numbers that he'd stop at nothing to avoid them...

I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 09:59 AM

It's a bloody joke thread fer chrissake. Take your Trump obsession elsewhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM

Thank you Mr President for playing Match Game
Your #1 answer for what makes a Good President is
"Popularity"...Audience Survey says... Integrity, oo
Your #2 answer is
"High Fashion"..Survey says..Compassion... sorry , so close
Your #3 answer is
"Good Teeth" . Survey says ...Good Team... ohh so close again
Your #4 answer is..
"EXCELLENCE"... Survey says...Intelligence... Oh thats close enough
YOU WIN!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 08:23 AM

This was the first joke I learned at 5. But my version included a motorboat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 08:04 AM

Tommy Robinson died and was immediately sent down to Hell
The Devil greeted him and showed him around - they went into a room where everybody was standing waist deep in barrels of shit
"Well" said Robinson, it's not good but it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be"
"You've come during their tea break" said the Devil, "Back on your heads lads"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 08:03 AM

another brilliant camouflage


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 07:46 AM

The King's fair land was invaded by the Plague. He watched from his tower and proclaimed "All is well". As fewer people could be seen The King proclaimed "All is well" despite his army and doctors already dead from th plague. Finally the King died from the Plague and already aflame with the fires of Hell and stood before St Peter.
"Why do you bring this agony to me." screamed the king. St Peter said "It is not I, it is, ALL HIS WILL".


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 06:52 AM

God got frustrated and bored, at a distance all God heard were millions of people praying that their project to "PLEASE LET IT GO VIRAL.."
For the sake of some peace and quiet our prayers were answered.





THOU SHALT NOT COVID THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE
OR OX


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM

Another Buren Story (probably told this too)
A couple, getting on in years, farmed a rough piece of land on The Burren
The nearest farm was a mile and there were a few others scattered around the area, but it was a pretty lonely life
She would occasionally ride around on her bike to some of the neighnouring farms and swap bits and pieces of produce she'd grown in her vegetable garden, but apart from that, their only contact with the outside world was a visit to Lisdoonvarna on the donkey and cart for provisions
One day she announced she was going to ride down to Lisdoon to get her hair done - a thing he'd never remembered her doing
He thought to himself that it must be an anniversary or something he'd forgotten, in which case there might be a treat for him that night when they went to bed
When she rode off, he set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, something he'd never done in his life
He dusted, he swept the floor, polished the delph, washed down all the surfaces - he even took down the curtains and shook them in the yard
He cleaned the bedroom, put on fresh bed linen, and carefully placed candles around the room to create a romantic atmosphere
As he was just finished, he happened to look under the bed and spotted a large wooden box, which he dragged our and opened it
Inside it was crammed with money, coins and notes, carefully placed on top were three chickens eggs
He shoved the box back and waited for his wife to return,
When she eventually did, she was stunned to see what he had done
He said, "I thought it must be a spacial day, you getting you hair done, so I thought we'd do something different"
The thanked him and said she'd cook something nice instead of the usual bacon and cabbage
"But what's that box under the bed?", he asked
"She collapsed in a chair, looking very embarrassed, though a moment and finally said, "To tell you the truth John, I have to confess I've been unfaithful to you"
"How do you mean?" he asked
She said, "Well, when I visited neigbours sometimes and found the wife out, me and the husband... well, you know"
"And the eggs....?", he said   
"Well, each time I did it I was so ashamed I took a new laid egg from under the chickens and placed it in the box to remind me not to do it again"
He was shattered; he stood there silent for a minute and finally said, "Well, we've been together forty years and you haven't had much of a life with me, what with the farm and everything - so I suppose three times in all those years is understandable, so I forgive you - but what about the money?
"Well, each time I got enough eggs I rode around and sold them to the neighbours and put the money in the box for a rainy day"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 03:36 AM

Come on Don, you can do better. How about:

A bold but imprudent young bloke
Held that covid 19 was a joke
On his out-and-aboutings
Everyone heard his shoutings
"I'm blowed if I'm going to cr..."

Sorry, but limericks that don't scan* really get on my wick

* with honourable exceptions like the Young Man from Japan of course


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM

A young courageous bloke
thought Covis was a joke
When he went on crowded outings
People heard him shouting
"I'm not going to croa


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Mar 20 - 01:20 PM

That's what we need in these worrying times - two fingers to our problems BDE

Just heard on the radio that they're burying the victims of the pandemic in Dublin - without coughin'

Keeping the home fires burning
A teacher announced to her Social Science class that she would be concentrating on things medical next time so they should bring in something appropriate to discuss
When the day arrived and she asked for examples a little girl handed in a packet of plasters
"Very good Mary" - and they discussed their uses
Next came another girl, who offered up a bottle of Iodine - the same again
She was about to move on when the tearaway of the class, late as usual, bust through the classroom door wheeling an Iron Lung.
Astounded, the teacher said, "That's amazing Tommy - where did you get it?"
It's my father's" came the reply
"Didn't he mind your borrowing it - what did he say when you took it ?"
"Arghhhhhhhhhh !" he said
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 06:06 PM

A passenger in a taxicab on the way to the airport gently tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. To the passenger's surprise, the driver let out a horrendous scream and nearly lost control of the cab, nearly striking a pedestrian and stopping just inches from a store's plate glass window.

"Oh my!" said the passenger, "I didn't mean to frighten you. I only wanted to ask a question. I'm sorry."

"No, no." replied the driver, "It was my fault. It was just a bit unexpected. This is my first day driving a taxicab. For the last twenty-five years, I've been driving a hearse."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM

Oh dear !!
Local story told around here about the annual matchmaking festival in Lisdoonvarna
An elderly bachelor farmer farming one of the rough pieces of land on the Burren used to drive into Lisdoon on his donkey and cart whenever he ran out of provisions - he'd usually buy what he neded, load up the flatback cart and have a few pints, before driving home
One day, forgetting the Matchmaking Festival was on, he hitched up the cart and drove in, a little confused at firt at all the strangers
When he remembered, he stocked up and loaded the cart, had his usual pints and set off home
As he drove through town he saw a young woman standing at the side of the road hoping to be 'taken on, so he stopped, made a deal with her, sat her on the top of the provisions and drove out of town
A mile out of town, as he turned off the main road onto the rough 'green track' up the steep hill leading home the wind began to get up, it clouded over and it began to spatter with rain
The cart was rather heavily loaded and, what with the extra weight of the woman, the donkey began to struggle - after a few hundred yards, it stumbled
"That's one" said the farmer, and drove on
A short distance later the same thing happened and the poor animal stumbled again
"That's two" said the farmer again
Puzzled, the young woman said nothing
A mile further the donkey stumbled for the third time
The farmer reached for an ash-plant on the pleasure board beside him, got down, walked to the front and struck the beast a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
In horror, the girl jumps down
"What did you do that for" she screams, the poor beat was overloaded and couldn't help slipping, besides, it's getting dark and bucketing with rain and we're still nowhere near any signs of life......"
"That's one" says the farmer.
(also found in the Appalachians)
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 09:38 AM

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 06:33 AM

A family of tortoises decided to go on a picnic
They packed their hamper and set off - it took a week to reach their chosen picnic ground
Mother tortoise started to unpack the hamper and, nearly finished, she suddenly said, "We've forgotten to pack the tin-opener"
Panic all round because most of the food was tinned
They debated the problem and argued who should go back for the tin-opener
They finally decided to toss a coin Tommy, the youngest lad (aged 40) lost
He argued at first but finally agreed to go, sayig , "Don't start without me"
They patiently waited - one week, two weeks, three weeks.... no sign of Tommy
Finally she said, "I don't know about you, I'm starving, lets have some bread and cheese
She made some sandwiches and they were just about to tuck in when Tommy popped his head up over the top of the rise and said, "I told you not to start without me - I'm not going"
Jim Carroll


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