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BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Bee-dubya-ell 19 Apr 20 - 01:18 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Apr 20 - 03:06 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Apr 20 - 07:18 PM
Joe_F 18 Apr 20 - 06:28 PM
Jim Carroll 18 Apr 20 - 02:24 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Apr 20 - 02:06 PM
Jim Carroll 18 Apr 20 - 02:54 AM
Mr Red 17 Apr 20 - 02:33 PM
Jim Carroll 17 Apr 20 - 09:05 AM
Georgiansilver 17 Apr 20 - 07:40 AM
Jim Carroll 17 Apr 20 - 03:37 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 20 - 03:00 PM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 20 - 11:41 AM
gillymor 16 Apr 20 - 10:19 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 20 - 10:06 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 20 - 08:47 AM
Georgiansilver 16 Apr 20 - 06:40 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 20 - 06:11 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 20 - 02:42 AM
Jim Carroll 15 Apr 20 - 12:13 PM
Jim Carroll 15 Apr 20 - 10:46 AM
Jim Carroll 15 Apr 20 - 10:15 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Apr 20 - 10:13 AM
Mrrzy 15 Apr 20 - 09:58 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Apr 20 - 09:52 AM
Jim Carroll 15 Apr 20 - 03:44 AM
Steve Shaw 14 Apr 20 - 06:13 PM
Mr Red 14 Apr 20 - 04:51 PM
Jim Carroll 14 Apr 20 - 12:34 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Apr 20 - 12:21 PM
Donuel 14 Apr 20 - 11:30 AM
Steve Shaw 14 Apr 20 - 11:05 AM
Donuel 14 Apr 20 - 10:00 AM
Jim Carroll 14 Apr 20 - 09:18 AM
Jim Carroll 14 Apr 20 - 08:14 AM
Georgiansilver 14 Apr 20 - 07:56 AM
Jim Carroll 13 Apr 20 - 09:39 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 13 Apr 20 - 07:44 AM
Jim Carroll 13 Apr 20 - 05:39 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Apr 20 - 04:39 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 13 Apr 20 - 03:37 AM
Jim Carroll 13 Apr 20 - 03:02 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 12 Apr 20 - 11:16 PM
Jim Carroll 12 Apr 20 - 06:24 AM
Mr Red 12 Apr 20 - 05:59 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 11 Apr 20 - 08:50 AM
Jim Carroll 11 Apr 20 - 08:30 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 10 Apr 20 - 10:49 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Apr 20 - 03:22 PM
Jim Carroll 10 Apr 20 - 01:27 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Apr 20 - 01:18 PM

A fellow was motoring down a country road, doing the posted speed limit. All of a sudden a running chicken overtook him and sped away, quickly disappearing in the distance. A few minutes later, another chicken did the same thing. Then a third.

The fellow was wondering what was up with these lightning-fast chickens when he saw a sign at a farmhouse that said "Eggs For Sale!" So, he stopped the car and asked the old farmer minding the egg stand if he knew anything about those super-fast chickens. "Why yes," the farmer replied, "those chickens came from right here. I bred them myself. They're so fast because they have three legs."

"Why would you want to breed chickens with three legs?" asked the motorist.

"Well," answered the farmer, "folks around here are partial to drumsticks. So, if each chicken has three legs instead of two, there are more drumsticks to go around."

"Do they taste the same as two-legged chickens?" asked the motorist.

"I couldn't tell you," replied the farmer, "I haven't been able to catch one yet."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Apr 20 - 03:06 AM

Thought it might have landed elsewhere Steve

Best misspelling story came in a short silent Irish film (an Irish specialty) just before the main feature years ago

A teacher comes into the classroom to find one of the already assembled pupils had written "SIR IS A CNUT" in large letters on the blackboard
After strenuous efforts, largely (silent) shouted threats, he elicits the name of the culprit, who he drags to the blackboard, berates him for his poor spelling, and demands he spell it properly - to no avail
After minutes of trying he sends the pupil back to his seat, bubs all his efforts off the board and writes in even larger letters "SIR IS A CUNT", at which point the headmistress - a nun in full uniform - comes through the door, stares at the blackboard, then at the teacher - and collapses
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 07:18 PM

Jim, thats's an old one, and you've downgraded it!

Here goes (cockney accent optional):

"My sis 'ad a baby the other day."

"Ooo, did she?"

"Yeah, the babe was a lovely little boy."

"Ooo, was he?"

"Yeah, gorgeous..."

"Ooo, was he?"

"Yeah. Only thing is, he's 'orrible all through the night."

"Ooo, is he?"

"Yeah. Bawls like a bull."

"Ooo, has he?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 06:28 PM

A cockney boy was doing very well in a spelling bee until asked to spell "auspice". He started out "h-o-r-", and the teacher was in haste to tell him that was wrong.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 02:24 PM

Two alderly ladies were discussing the new vicar
"Big man"- one said "bawls like a bull"
"Has he really ?" asked the other excitedly
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 02:06 PM

A minister told his congregation that instead of him choosing the hymns for the day's service, they were going to try something different. When it was time for a hymn, he would raise his hand and a random parishioner would call out a word. Then another parishioner would begin singing a hymn suggested by that word, and the rest of the congregation would join in.

When the minister reached the appropriate point in his sermon, he raised his hand, a parishioner shouted "Rugged!" A fellow in the third row stood and began singing "The Old Rugged Cross", and the rest of the congregation joined in.

When the minister reached the next stopping point in his sermon, he raised his hand and a parishioner shouted "Walk!" Someone in the seventh row stood and began singing "Just a Closer Walk With Thee", and the rest of the congregation joined in.

When the minister raised his hand a third time, some smart-ass up in the balcony yelled "Sex!" Old widow MacDonald down in the front row stood and began singing "Precious Memories", and the rest of the congregation joined in.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 02:54 AM

A bit of a diversion while I think of more jokes

As well as enjoying telling and hearing them, they interest me as part of ny research into the oral traditions
In London, we recorded a man from the next village to where we are now living, in the west of Ireland, Quilty
When we first visited here we were told about Quilty's "yarn telling" tradition - "yarns" were largely jokes with no punchlines - many were shortened traditional stories

Our London friend was essentially a dancer who had picked up around 60 traditional songs
At the end of each session we would retire to the pub where he would bgin his 'yarns' - these included several established traditional stories and at least three songs in narrated form, includoing the Child ballad, 'The Bishop of Canterbury - and this...
Hope it is not too much of an intrusion to this highly enjoyable thread
Incidentally, since I wrote my notes I've discovered that much of what we collected was far older than this story
Jim

Probably the oldest story we came across was this, from an elderly Irishman, Mikey Kelleher, who had left his home in West Clare (about three miles from where we live now) where he had been a farm worker and curagh-maker (canvas canoe for fishing off the coast): he and his wife finally settled in Deptford, in South East London.

“There was two old walkers around (Travellers) and they wanted to go across the water and they hadn’t enough money.
So they went to the captain, and she was lovely piece, and he said, “I’ll be all right there”.
She asked him would he be all right to take them across
“All right”, he said, and herself and the man went in, he was playing an old fiddle.
And they travelled away; she didn’t want to refuse him, you know, in case he wouldn’t let them go.
She carries on with him, and he went up to the old boy and says, “I’ll bet you this ship”, he said, “and cargo against this fiddle” , he said, “that I’ll have her before we land”.
The old boy bet the fiddle with him and off they goes, and the old boy was listening, he was singing a song:

“Hold tight my love; hold tight my love, just for half an hour,
Hold tight my love hold tight my love and the ship and cargo will be ours”

She said:
“You’re late my love, you’re late my love, he has me by the middle,
I’m on my back, were having a crack, and you have lost your old fiddle”, she said.”

We believed the story to be old, and we finally traced it to this, from volume four of John Farmer’s Merry Song and Ballads prior to the year 1800 AD.

THE MERCHANT AND THE FIDLER’S WIFE [c. 1707]
[From Pills to Purge Melancholy (1707), iii. 153].

It was a Rich Merchant Man,
That had both Ship and all;
And he would cross the salt Seas,
Tho’ his cunning it was but small.

The Fidler and his Wife,
They being nigh at hand;
Would needs go sail along with him,
From Dover unto Scotland.

The Fidler’s Wife look’d brisk,
Which made the Merchant smile;
He made no doubt to bring it about,
The Fidler to beguile.

Is this thy Wife the Merchant said,
She looks like an honest Spouse;
Ay that she is, Ihe Fidler said,
That ever trod on Shoes.

Thy Confidence is very great,
The Merchant then did say;
If thou a Wager darest to bet,
I’ll tell thee what I will lay.

I’ll lay my Ship against thy Fiddle,
And all my Venture too;
So Peggy may gang along with me,
My Cabin for to View.

If she continues one Hour with me,
Thy true and constant Wife;
Then shalt thou have my Ship and be,
A Merchant all thy Life.

The Fidler was content,
He Danc’d and Leap’d for joy;
And twang’d his Fiddle in merriment,
For Peggy he thought was Coy.

Then Peggy she went along,
His Cabin for to View;
And after her the Merchant-Man,
Did follow, we found it true.

When they were once together,
The Fidler was afraid;
For he crep’d near in pitious fear,
And thus to Peggy he said.

Hold out, sweet Peggy hold out,
For the space of two half Hours;
If thou hold out, I make no doubt,
But the Ship and Goods are ours.

In troth, sweet Robin, I cannot,
He hath got me about the Middle;
He’s lusty and strong, and hath laid me along,
O Robin thou’st lost thy Fiddle.

If I have lost my Fiddle,
Then am I a Man undone;
My Fiddle whereon I so often play’d,
Away I needs must run.

O stay the Merchant said,
And thou shalt keep thy place;
And thou shalt have thy Fiddle again,
But Peggy shall carry the Case.

Poor Robin hearing that,
He look’d with a Merry-chear;
His wife she was pleas’d, and the Merchant was eas’d,
And jolly and brisk they were.

The Fidler he was mad,
But valu’d it not a Fig;
Then Peggy unto her Husband said,
Kind Robin play us a Jigg.

Then he took up his Fiddle,
And merrily he did play;
The Scottish Jigg and the Horn-pipe,
And eke the Irish Hey.

It was but in vain to grieve,
The Deed it was done and past;
Poor Robin was bom to carry the Horn,
For Peggy could not be Chast.

Then Fidlers all beware,
Your Wives are kind you see;
And he that’s made for the Fidling Trade,
Must never a Merchant be.

For Peggy she knew right well,
Although she was but a Woman;
That Gamesters Drink, and Fidlers Wives,
They are ever Free and Common.

Mikey worked all his life in the building trade; back home he was a dancer, but he gave us about sixty songs, all of which we recorded in the car, as he was too shy to sing at home.
He had a large repertoire of short stories like this – one of them told of the blind man who hid up a tree while his wife was having it off with a young man – a branch catches him across the eyes, miraculously giving him his sight back.
When he sees what his wife is up to he is told, we were only doing it so you could get your sight back (one of Chaucer’s Canterbury tales)


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 17 Apr 20 - 02:33 PM

Heisenberg is bombing along the M1 and gets stopped by the police.
PC "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg "I don't know how fast but I know exactly where I was"
PC "Sir, you were doing 150 Km/hr"
Heisenberg "Now we are lost"

The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the boot/trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, asshole!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Apr 20 - 09:05 AM

Strange thing how smells travel

Yet another miners story (not unlike Tommy Cooper's)
A retired miner walked around to pick up his mate for their usual Sunday morning pint - his mates wide came to the door and said, "I'm afraid Tommy was in the garden yesterday pulling a a cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart-attack and died
"That's awful missus - what'll you do now?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas hinny", she said
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Apr 20 - 07:40 AM

When I heard the fart poem many years ago.... it read.....            
To fart it is pleasure,
It gives the bowels ease.
It delicately scents the sheets,
And suffocates the fleas.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Apr 20 - 03:37 AM

A well-endowed priest, unable to stand his celibacy, decided to ease the pressure with a night on the randy, he picks up a young woman, they return to her accommodation and begin to undress
When she sees what 'a big boy' he is, she stops and tell him that she would 'be ruined' if they proceeded
He says he understands and they went their separate ways
It happens a second and a third time
When they get back to the fourth girl's home he asks her, "Would you mind if we turned the light off?"
She agrees, thinking he is shy
They get into bed and she says, "You know, when I saw you and your collar I didn't think you wanted sex; I expected you to give me a lecture on JESUS CHRIST
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 03:00 PM

A sonnet to Flatulence from a Misspent Merseyside Boyhood
There are many kinds of fart
A wet fart, a dry fart
A bubble and a squeak
A high fart, a low fart
And one that dare not speak
Afar is a wonderful thing
It sets you at your ease
It warms the bed in Wintertime
And suffocates the fleas
A fart is a telephone
That runs from your belly-bone
To tell you when a load is coming on
Bend double and blow
And then you'll know

Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 11:41 AM

Couple of Cavan Jokes
Cavan men are reputed to be extremely mean - even proud of their frugality
I worked on sites back in the sixties where, if you needed help from anybody it was immediately forthcoming
I asked a Cavan man to help me move a heavy storage heater one time, he immediately obliged
When we'd finished I thanked him "What shop can I spend that in?" he said
Which leads to stories like:
Did you hear of the Cavan paedofile who went around asking, "Do you want to buy any sweets little girl?"

two Kerrymen on holiday in Donegal went fishing on Lough Derg and found a part of the lough unbelievebly fish in fish
After a few hours fishing they nearly filled the boat and began to make their way ashore
Half way there, one said, "Damn, we should have looked out for landmarks so we can find the spot again"
"Don't worry" said his mate, "I've chalked a cross on the side of the boat"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 10:19 AM

I noticed that Hooters is still open for take out so I ordered a couple of breasts, I can't wait to see what they bring me.

I'll get mi serape.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 10:06 AM

From the same stable - don't pardon the pun
A sacbby 'bosses man' miner was so unpopular that one day, during an argument, one of his work-mates picked up a pile of dung from one of the pit-ponies and threw it in his face where it landed in his mouth
He spluttered, "That stays there till the gaffer sees it"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 08:47 AM

A Welsh mining story recorded at the time they were gathering material for The Big Hewer
In the days the tubs of coal were pulled to the top by hand, one of the linesmen used to brag he could tell the weight of a tub to a fraction of an ounce
His mates made a bet with him, they agreed on a set weight. took a set of scales down the pit where they waited to load the tub and mark it with chalk for your man to pull it up
They filled the first one, marked it and gave a signal tug, your man gave a slight pull, shouted down the weight and hauled it to the top - perfect
The second one the same - perfect again
And the third
At the fourth go, when they gave the signal tug nothing happened, they waited and waited
"Why don't you pull the tub up Tommy?" they shouted up the shaft
"You haven't chalked it yet", he shouted back
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 06:40 AM

A young couple driving through Wales went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They started to argue about how to pronounce the name. It became a little 'heated' so they decided to ask a local. They pulled into a 'Burger King' restaurant and asked the blonde waitress for help ' The guy said 'We are having an argument on how to pronounce the name of this place so could you please say it very slowly for us to settle the argument'~? The blonde replied 'Certainly sir.... it is Bbbbuuuuurrrggggerrrrrr KKKiiinnnngggg.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 06:11 AM

Nice Richard Burton story in this morning's times
Michael Caine was an early admirer of Burton and was always struck at the speed he delivered his Shakespearean lines
When he finally got to meet him he asked why he spoke them so fast, he was told, "The pubs shut at 10-30 dear boy"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 02:42 AM

Scots joke
A Scotsman took bed and breakfast in a rather posh semi in Morningside, Edinburgh; when he sat down for breakfast in the morning he was offered only toast with margarine
Realising there was nothing else on offer he asked timidly, "Would you be able to manage some honey with that please ?"
The lady stared at him coldly, said nothing, stormed out and shortly returned with a small smidgen of honey on a tiny plate
The man looked at it for a second, looked at her cold face and said, "I see you keep a bee"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 12:13 PM

A Welsh joke now we're on nationalities
A man living in a North Wales village that was still operating the "no drink on Sunday" laws used to sneak out for a pint and a game of darts after mid-day lunch on Sundays to his local, where the guv'nor would serve his regulars illegally - this infuriated the drinker's religious wife no end, but she "nursed her anger to keep it warm" usually   
One Sunday afternoon, as he set off, she said ominously, "Don't you dare be late today - it's my mother's birthday and she's coming to dinner; you know she doesn't like you as it is - don't you dare stop late to play darts"
"I won't love" he said and set off, promising to return in good time
When he arrived at the pub he found it empty - all his mates, including the guv'nor had gone to the big match in Liverpool and the only person there was a rather attractive young woman who had agreed to mind the pub for the day and stop over till the landlord got back
He ordered a pint and asked the woman if she'd join him - which she did
They chatted for a while till one thing led to another and they slipped upstairs into bed and made passionate love until they both fell fast asleep
Panicking, he threw on his clothes, shouted goodbye and ran down stairs; as he ran through the bar he hastily grabbed a piece of chalk from the dart-board and shoved it behind his ear
When he arrived home he found his wife speechless with fury; "My mother arrived on time, waited and waited until it was obvious you weren't coming and left if a blazing temper swearing she never wanted to see us again and would leave her house to the cat's home - where the hell have you been till now?"
"Well love, to tell you the truth, when I got to the pub I found the lads had all gone to the match in Liverpool and the only one there was a temporary barmaid
We got chatting, bought each other drinks, and... well, you know - one thing led to another, we went to bed together, fell asleep and woke up about twenty minutes ago".
"You're a lying bastard" she spat, "You've been playing darts; you've still got the chalk behind your ear"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 10:46 AM

My favourite Jewish joke
A elderly man was journeying across the Russian Steppes on a long train Journey
The train stopped at a small, dusty one-street village and the announcer informed the passengers that they would be there for several hours to take in fuel and water
The man stepped down and walked up and down the only street, within five minutes he'd seen all there was to see; he looked at his pocket watch and decided to see if there was anywhere among the handful of tiny buildings where he could get it cleaned
At the end of the town he found a dusty looking shop with watches hanging in the window so he stepped inside, took out the watch and handed it to the stooped old man behind the counter asking him could he clean it
"I'm afraid I can't" said the man, I don't do that sort of thing, I'm a 'mohel' (a priest who carries out circumcisions)
"But you have watches hanging in your window" the man said, somewhat puzzled
"What should I have hanging in my window?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 10:15 AM

Posted this to the wrong thread - hope i didn't frighten the horses
"A burly priest spots a young novice sitting on a convent bench, roughly throws his arm around her, lowers her to the ground and seduces her
"What am I going to tell the Mother Superior when I tell her I have been seduced twice?" she aske, when he has finished
"I only seduced you onece" he said
"Are you in a hurry ?" she asked
Jim"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 10:13 AM

Yeah, right...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 09:58 AM

A rabbi and a priest are friends, having met in a prior joke. [Couldn't resist.] One day the rabbi is visiting the priest, having tea in the office, when a choirboy walks in to deliver a message, and walks out again. As he is leaving, the priest eyes his departing backside rather hungrily, and sighs to his rabbi friend, I'd really like to fuck him. The rabbi looks confused, and asks...

...Out of what?


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 09:52 AM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, goes into a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there saying nothing. Finally, the priest runs out of patience and bangs on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "It's no use knocking, mate. There's no paper in my cubicle either!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Apr 20 - 03:44 AM

A somewhat rough piece
A Liverpool sailor looking for "something different" is constantly advised to seek out 'One-Eyed Maggie'
He does so and tells her what he wants, she removes her glass eye and says, "Try that"
He hesitates at first but eventually succumbs and is totally astounded.
"That was wonderful" he said, "I've never experienced anything quite like that"
"Look" he says, "We're sailing tonight and won't be back in Liverpool for a few months; I'd certainly like to meet you again"
"Ok" she says, "I'll keep my eye out for you"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 06:13 PM

"LOL even funnier is the way it turns a misanthrope into a hypocrite."

Go and boil your head, you confounded idiot. I don't engage you much, so I suggest you avoid me, and you can start by not making opportunistic and gratuitous insults. And one fine day we might actually get a joke from you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 04:51 PM

Thank you darlin, I wrote it for you.

LOL even funnier is the way it turns a misanthrope into a hypocrite.


Meanwhile, not in any remote possible stretch of the imagination (wait for it) Trump related, is some wit that I heard on TED.com about what the world will be like after thing, which made me smile. A Churchill quote:

You can always rely on America to do the right thing, after all other avenues have been exhausted.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 12:34 PM

Will you settle for this Steve ?
Johnson, Trump and ‘Is ‘Oliness, the Pope get together in a rowing boat on The Sea of Galilee for a meeting to try to solve some of the world’s problems
They are about to start when the Pope finds he has forgotten his papers so he asks his secretary would he go ashore for them
The secretary steps over the side of the boat, on to the surface of the water and walks ashore and returns with the papers shortly afterwards
Determined not to be outdone, Johnson asks his secretary to go ashore and get him a pencil sharpener as his favourite lucky pencil has broken
The man climbs out of the boat and sinks up to his uxters in water and has to be hauled out
Trump things, “Well, if a gease-ball can do it, a red-blooded American should be able to manage it” so he orders his gofer to fetch his I-Pad
Like the former man, he nearly drowns trying to walk ashore and is pulled out soaking wet.
The Pope turns to his secretary and says, “For ****’s sake Guiseppi, show them where the sodding stepping stones are”
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 12:21 PM

I read somewhere that "darling," as in the darling buds of may of Sonnet 18, originally referred to the softly-budding nipples and breasts of post-pubescent young females, but I can't remember where I read it now and I can't find reference to it in any decent dictionary. Maybe it was in an indecent dictionary. Not exactly a joke post, this one, but a bloody pleasant passing thought nonetheless...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 11:30 AM

Thank you darlin, I wrote it for you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 11:05 AM

It's a bloody joke thread. Another wasted click. Please take your ludicrous Trump obsession elsewhere. You are not funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 10:00 AM

(A hymn for Amerika) to be sung at task force briefings

I am not skilled to understand
What Trump has willed, what Trump has planned
I only know at his right hand
Is Pense who's really grand

I take him at his word and deed
He tried to save me: this I read
And in my heart I find a need.
for his great and powerful greed

That he won't leave his place on high
To let older men to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Donald

My Donald needs, my Donald's greed
My Donalds's always on TV
My Trump; He was, my Trump; He is
My Trump; is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying: let me bring
My Strength, my solace in this spring
That He who lives to be THE King
Once ran to be my Savior

My Donald needs, my Donald's greed
My Donald's always there for me
My TRUMP; He was, my TRUMP; He is
My TRUMP; is always gonna be\\There for me.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 09:18 AM

Meabt to add gthe what I liked most about Yates's was you'd invariably be approached and asked to buy someone a drink and, when you explained you were earning an apprentices wage they'd uy you one
I loved that Liverpool - don't think its like that now

When I know you better I'll tell you how I helped consecrate the newly finished 'Paddy's Wigwam' around the corner by losing my cherry in the crypt one wet afternoon
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 08:14 AM

Nice GS and nice memories too
I had my First drink ever in a Yates's Wine Lodge near St George's Hall - (an Austrailian White Wine - extremely cheap and potent) - they were haunts of local tramps who were great company
I also had my first Indian meal in the restaurant next door - very rare in those pre-sixties days

Another (think I've told this before)
An Irishman walked into a Liverpool pun and ordered a pint of Guinness, took a taste, upturned it on the floor saying "piss" and walked out
The second night he did the same
The third night he walked in the barman said "Eh mate, piss off"
"OK" he said, "pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 07:56 AM

Jim Carroll....'A Liverpool man drinking in a bar was taken short and had to leave his full pint on the table
He left a note propped on the galss reading, "Don't drink this pint - I put my prick in it"
He returned shortly to find an empty glass and a note reading "Drank your pint, couldn't find your prick"................................... Many years ago, as a young Police Officer, I used to drink in a Yates's Wine Lodge' pub which was very 'spit and sawdust. People would steal your pint if you weren't watching. One night, wanting to go to the toilet, I left a pre-prepared note by my glass, saying... ' I have spit in my beer'!!!!! When I returned from the toilet.... Someone had written on my note 'So have I'. No I didn't drink it!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 09:39 AM

A local farmer just added a touch of humour to the lock-down by shouting over the fence:
"it's a fine state of affairs when the safest place in Ireland is Cavan - those buggers'll give you nothing for nothing"
Still smiling
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 07:44 AM

Apologies, Steve - even though I've come across a few recent toilet paper jokes (rolls being hidden in shipments of cocaine, etc.), mine above was uncalled for. That said, I do agree with Trump about Greta's schooling and don't agree with him about capitalist industry and our planet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 05:39 AM

Nice srtory in the Times this morning about the Eas End Jewish reastarant Blooms where the waiters wee renowned for being rude to customers
A men having dinner oded a lelm ea to finish, hi friend asked for the same and added, "Can you make sure it's in a clean glass?"
The waiter returned with the drinks shortly and asked, "Which one of you ordered the clean glass?"
Which reminded me
A Liverpool man drinking in a bar was taken short and had to leave his full pint on the table
He left a note propped on the galss reading, "Don't drink this pint - I put my prick in it"
He returned shortly to find an empty glass and a note reading "Drank your pint, couldn't find your prick"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 04:39 AM

Amazing, innit, how some people like to inject viruses into a joke thread...


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 03:37 AM

Fake news: Greta Thunberg, satisfied with the latest greenhouse gas & pollution stats, is now campaigning for Swedish schools to reopen ASAP in order to get an education.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 03:02 AM

Two very elderly members of the House of Lords were discussing how often they had sex in the Bar of the House one night
One said, "Once a month regularly, except July and August"
"Heat too much for you ?" asks the other
"No" came the reply, "That's when the chappie who lifts me on and off goes on holiday"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 12 Apr 20 - 11:16 PM

"Mountainy man"! Last time I heard that was on RTE about forty years ago, either "The Year of the French" or maybe "The Irish RM". Anyway, many years ago, when I was by no means the retired scholar, aesthete, and widely acknowledged expert on every subject under the Sun that I now claim to be, I encountered a Character, a fairly close relative of Bigfoot, in the wilds of Argyle. As part of a research project, I had to collate data from several sources at frequent intervals, and for the purpose was living in a former bothy. Whin bushes and twisted thorn trees grew for miles around. On the second evening, there came a heavy rap at the door; in lurched MacBigfit. "Therr's gaunae be a hoose-party owre the way, roun' aboot hauf seven, bit o' drinkin', bit o' smoke, bit o' ROCK&ROLL, some wild sex, maybe a bit o' fightin' an' yellin', come on over." All it lacked was a little card on a silver tray. So I asked, politely, whether there were any "Dress Code", would "Smart-Casual" be acceptable?
"Doesn't matter; only gaunae be me an' you therr..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Apr 20 - 06:24 AM

A mountainy man in the Appalachians came in looking for his gun, swearing he was going to kill his daughter's new boyfriend
When asked why he roared "His name is written in the snow in piss in our garden"
His wife said - "He's only a young feller he means no harm"
"Yeah - sure - it in our Ellie's handwritin'"

Gives the title to Vance Randolph's collection of bawdy tales "Pissing in the Snow"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Apr 20 - 05:59 AM

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains'. - Ah! I think we should open you up and have a look.

feel a right tit - I still have the T-Shrt I made out of full stops in flock, asymmetrically placed. I do get asked what it says and only two ladies offered to read it, but one was blind and pronounced it correctly spelled.


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 11 Apr 20 - 08:50 AM

Just speaking of tramps:

Once upon a country road, FH was asked by a tramp-man for a fill of tobacco. So, a small lump was cut from a plug, shredded, rubbed, and pressed into place. A match was then, naturally, required. It was produced, and the pipe was lit. The tramp-man, while puffing vigorously, asked Frank if he could have a few matches just in case the pipe went out and had to be relit. So, the matches were passed over. The tramp-man thanked him, and went on his way. He had only travelled a few yards till Frank called after him, "and are ye all right for spit?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Apr 20 - 08:30 AM

Must remember that B
A bit vulgar
A tramp looking for a hand--out calls into the priests house is invited in sat down in a front of a huge plate of sausages, and offered a bed for the night
He can't eat all the sausages and leave some on his plate - so he is shown to his bed
In the night he hears the bedroom door creak, and feels someone get in with him for the hospitality he says nothing
Next day, after he leaves he meets a fellow tramp looking for assistance - he tells him about the priests house
"Make sure you eat all the sausages though, otherwise they wait till you're asleep and shove them up your arse"
Sorry
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 10:49 PM

Ah, the Folk Tradition in action! That's a recycled "punchline" from the question,
"Why did Napoleon keep his right hand inside his waistcoat?" ("if it were his left, he'd feel a right tit", obviously).


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 03:22 PM

Sign seen outside Dollis Hill tube station: "If you're going to make a face mask out of an old bra, do make sure you use the left-hand cup. You don't want to go out looking like a right tit.."


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Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 01:27 PM

A man goes to the doctors with a rash on his penis - the doctor examines him, straightens up and says, "You've got the clap"
The man says, "But I'm a virgin - I've never had sex"
Puzzled, the doctor asks him, "Do you masturbate"
"Yes I do" came the reply
"Do you do it fast or slow" asks the doctor
"Slow" says the man, "I like to savour it"
"That explains it" says the doctor, "You're suffering from slow hand clap"
Jim


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