BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 20 - 06:26 AM

Donuel, it's not funny, it's in terrible taste, it's not about me and it's squirm-making. It's a frank non-joke in a joke thread. I think that's a pity, but hey ho. And please stop personalising it when I express an opinion. I'm beginning to think that there's something seriously wrong with you.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 May 20 - 06:06 AM

Mathematicians favourite bathtime pastime !
To fart in the bath and count the bubbles
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 May 20 - 09:06 PM

Its a joke. Its nuttier than squirrel shit but its a joke.
Honest Steve its not about you. At least I hope not.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 20 - 08:51 PM

That's not a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 May 20 - 06:52 PM

Hey ma? Got any pictures of me as a kid? Maybe in the tub? asked the narcissistic pedophile.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 May 20 - 01:34 PM

Oh (John Deer(ing) Steve

A farming couple lived and worked together for years without having, sex despite the growing desires of the lady
One day he was ploughing the top field with his two horses when a fairy godmother landed and asked him why he was looking so gloomy
“I don’t like sex anymore”, he said, “I seem to have lost interest, but my wife is desperate for it”
She says, “Tell you what I’ll do; I’ll give you the sex drive of one of these fine animals, if you pick out the one you want”
He thinks for a second then picks one
She taps the horse on the flank, the farmer on the shoulder, and flies off
He feels nothing until he returns home and sees his wife bending over the stove
He takes her around the waist, guides her into the bedroom and they make love – it lasts a couple of hours, at the end of which she gasps, “What’s come over you Tommy?”
He tell her exactly what happened, “Why, didn’t you like it?”
“That was wonderful” she gasps, “But would you mind going back to her and asking can you pick the bigger horse this time”
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 20 - 08:38 AM

I used to live in Crete. I'm ex-Cretian...

I used to like tractors, but no more. I'm an ex-tractor fan.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 May 20 - 07:44 AM

If you set out deliberately to fail, and you manage to do so, have you failed or succeeded? I'm neither a Cretan nor (American pronunciation) a cretin.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 May 20 - 07:39 AM

Why did the unity of purpose (UP) meeting become a chaotic riot?
They agreed to disagree.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 May 20 - 07:17 PM

You mean, it depends on the person, not his companion?

""*[//]) {> ::::

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Ernest
Date: 23 May 20 - 10:02 AM

@ An Buachail Caol Dubh:
So its just like the difference between a violin and a fiddle.... ;0)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 22 May 20 - 10:50 AM

Difference between a Drunk and an Alcoholic?
A Drunk enjoys it.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 May 20 - 09:20 AM

I'm not an Alcoholic, I'm a drunk.

Alcoholics go to meetings!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 May 20 - 09:03 AM

Well you might as well have the whole collection............                                                                   Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 20 - 08:35 AM

Humility is my middle name, and I don't mind shouting it from the rooftops.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 20 - 07:02 AM

Modesty is one of my many qualities.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 22 May 20 - 06:58 AM

I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 20 - 06:55 AM

I have an appointment as the memory clinic but I can't remember where or when.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 22 May 20 - 06:04 AM

I went to my anger management group this week. They said I can't go back next week, just because I threw the facilitator out of the window.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 May 20 - 09:55 AM

A woman, booked into a large hotel, called the reception to complain about a man exposing himself. When the manager arrived, she pointed out of the window to the block opposite, saying "Look! He's walking around completely naked with the curtains open."

"To be fair, Madam", said the manager, "you can only see him from his chest up".

Back came the shrill reply "Stand on the table. STAND ON THE TABLE!"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 May 20 - 07:57 AM

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 May 20 - 03:00 PM

Shit - sorry - - a senior moment I'm going to have
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 May 20 - 02:34 PM

Jim, I presume you comment was about travellers. The joke was about time-travellers, as in Dr Who.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 May 20 - 12:42 PM

Too true I'm afraid - they are experiencing a touch of ethnic cleansing at the moment - not funny, I know
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 May 20 - 03:22 PM

The next time travellers support group meeting will be held last Thursday at 2pm.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 20 - 08:49 AM

Story recorded from Caherciveen Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy in the 1970s
Jim

M Mc The traveller that’s how they got their living like d’y know supposed to be terrible liers, but their was never a traveller told the truth. That’s in dealing like in horses an all that which it was different if you got down to conversation they wouldn’t tell you no lies them. To avoid the guards and the police and everything like that, they’d tell you a world of lies.

But there was an old guard anyway an he came on with a bicycle. An there was a man by the name of Tom Brien and there was two horses wandering up the road, and on came the guard, Tom he said is it you own the horses up the road. Oh no ses Tom not me at all he said they belong to a farmer up the road or something. So the old guard goes on with his bicycle an here he’s trying this farm and that farm, he couldn’t find no one up for the horses. So he came back down, an when he came back down Tom had the two horses tied up with a rope up the village, that’s they call the head stand. Now when he had the horses tied up like the guard couldn’t summons him. He came the way, Tom he said you’re an awful bloody lier he said. How’s that said Tom? You told me a while ago you didn’t own them horses. Well he said during the time you were gone, he said, and the time you came back tis then I found out I owned em he said. Jeekers Tom he said you’re an awful lier, he said, tell me Tom he said, did a tinker ever go to heaven? Oh they did ses he, one went he said, and when he went in he left down his budget, that’s was his bud for bringing the tin and the tools and all that. And he started making tin wear in the side of the streets in heaven, he said, and the first money he got, he said, he went into the first pub, he said and he got drunk, and he started fighting with all the angels above in heaven he said. And would you believe me they search all heaven for a guard to put him out and they couldn’t find one.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 May 20 - 08:06 AM

An Inuit hunter is sitting by an ice hole, fishing, but is starting to get cold. Not wanting to go to the bother of building an igloo, he decides to make a fire with washed-up drift wood and some seal blubber. The trouble is, every time the fire gets going, it melts the ice and puts the flames out. Being a resourceful chap, he constructs a platform in the cockpit of his canoe and builds his fire on that. His plan is all too successful and the heat burns a hole in the bottom of the boat which promptly sinks. Which just goes to show:- you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 20 - 06:24 AM

Just remembered this - was told it by a Jewish friend in Manchester a lifetime ago

A Japanese man applies to become a Rabbi - after much debate he was given a chance - He passed the exams with flying colours and was given a congregation to minister to
After a time he received a summons from the head Rabbi - he attended and was told:
"Look- we're all very impressed that someone from your background should take up our faith and do so well, with one exception - your circumcisions - this "Ah so" (with chopping gesture) simply isn't going down well with the parents"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 May 20 - 06:11 AM

"or I would have smashed it."
And you have noticed the pain of falling off your bike

Just told this on the 'fell off my bike" thread a story told of my home town of Kirkby - a rough estate near Liverpool
A young couple were cycling along a Kirkby street on a tandem when dog ran out and threw a bucket of water over them

Another similar
A man was driving through Kirkby when his car brole down - he got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find what was wrong
A minute later two men ran out of a nearby block of flats carrying a jack, and began to jack up the car
"What are you doing" shouted th driver
"Feck off", came the reply, "If you're having the engine we'll have the wheels"

Precious memories
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 May 20 - 05:45 AM

I went to a shop yesterday, on my bicycle, to buy some whisky. Having bought it I was just about to get on the bike to go home when I thought 'What if I fall off'?? Of course the bottle would likely smash..... so I drank the whisky before riding home to be safe. Sure enough.... I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home.... So glad I drank that whisky when I did or I would have smashed it.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 20 - 03:01 PM

"Rape “not quite PC”."
I was aware os that - apologies
My bad upbringing creeping to the fore again, I'm afraid
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bainbo
Date: 07 May 20 - 02:36 PM

Rape “not quite PC”.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 20 - 01:02 PM

Just when you thought it was safe to fo in the water - not quite PC
A man walking through the forest sees a little man standing with his arms around a tree - inrrigued, he asks him wjat he is doing
He is told, "I'm a tree-measurer for the Forestry Commission - it's my job to measue and record the girth of all these trees
The man asks, "Can I have a go ?"
"You can, of course"; he stands aside and lets the stranger take fis place; when he wrapps his arms around the tree, the little man whips outt a pair of handcuffs, slaps tem around his wrists, drops he trousers and gives him a good seeing to - then walks off
The amn is left distraught, with his trosers around his ankles for a couple of hours, when another stranger comes along - he explains his predicament
The man unbuttons his flies and says, "Aren't you a little old to believe such nonsense from strange men ?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 May 20 - 06:17 AM

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 20 - 12:16 PM

A German officer strode into a Paris brothel during the occupation, grabbed the first girl that took his fancy, dragged her roughly to a side room, threw her on the bed and roughly ravished her
When he'd finished, he stood up, buttoned his flies, smoothed himself down and said, "In a few month's time fraulein your belly will begin to swell and after nine months you will give birth to a beautiful blond boy - you may call him Adolph - Heir Hitler"
She replied, "In a few days time your prick will begin to itch, then it will become red and painful and begin to swell and soon it will break out is red sores - you may call it a rash - Viva la France"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 20 - 11:49 AM

It was a dark and stormy night and the crew said to the Cap'n, Cap'n - tell us a story, so the Cap'n began
"It was a dark and stormy night and the crew said to the Cap'n, Cap'n - tell us a story, so the Cap'n began"...
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 May 20 - 10:06 AM

Hey, my story was hysterical. The joke was on him!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 May 20 - 10:01 AM

Nigel, in addition to your story:

I got in from doing the shopping and washed my hands.
The sound of running water made me want to pee.
I went to the toilet, then washed my hands . . .

This could take a while - until you are empty. And feel dried out.

So you go out shopping for some beer, and drink some of it.
When getting home after the shopping, you wash your hands ...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 20 - 03:50 AM

Sorry if I started a downward trend Steve
Unfortunately I have far more I wouldn't dream o putting up
My apprenticeship on the docks really did leave scars
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 08:50 PM

I'm finding that there's a somewhat unfunny coarseness creeping into this thread. My guffaws are decreasing by the day. And that's no joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 08:42 PM

In deepest Australia I had gotten into the habit of taking koalas and soaking them in hot water, then drinking the water before it cooled off. Nobody else liked it, there were bits of fur and other gross things...

Because...


The koala tea of Mrrzy is not strained.

(A peace corps volunteer told this story at my house in the 70's, and was appalled when I didn't get it at all, as we didn't read Shakespeare in French school.)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 07:46 PM

Yet another has the child - again a boy - hanging around with the labourers and answering the question, "Aren't you working today?" with the line, "Naw, we're buggered for bricks." I think the make-over in pink etc. does add to the surprise.

Before forgetting the excursion into funerals &c., there was a story I heard years ago about the preparations for a Wake in a farming area, including the dressing of the remains which, in this instance, included the putting-on of a pair of white gloves. The person about to do this, who expected to inherit the farm, discovered that in fact the elderly relative had left it to another. He threw the gloves into the coffin, saying, "Well, f*ck ye onyway, ye may put them on yirsel', ye've mair time than I hae". Exeunt omnes.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 06:18 PM

Jim Carroll: Another version:

Little boy looks & listens while painters repaint the house, and picks up some new words, which he proceeds to use in the presence of his mother. "You can't get away with talking like that in this house. Go out to the barn and get a switch." "Fuck you, Ma, that's an electrician's job."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 06:07 PM

"It was a dark and stormy night. A ship's crew had gathered in the 'Marquis of Granby' . The Captain said to the First Mate, 'Spin us a Yarn.' 'Aye, aye, Sir,' said the First Mate, and this was the Yarn he spun:
'It was a dark and stormy night. A ship's crew had gathered in the 'Admiral Benbow'. The Captain said to the First Mate, 'Spin us a Yarn.' 'Aye, aye, Sir,' said the First Mate, and this was the Yarn he spun:
'It was ... ad nauseam)

I told this some years ago to a small group of relatives' children, one of whom had asked for a Story, and of course they all got the humour of it very quickly. So, of course, I stopped the recitation. After a few seconds, a cousin said, encouragingly, "Go on...."


By the way, the recitation goes back to at least the Great War.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 04:51 PM

I got in from doing the shopping and washed my hands.
The sound of running water made me want to pee.
I went to the toilet, then washed my hands . . .

This could take a while :)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 12:23 PM

On the assumption that some might not have come across this before

A cute little girl living with her single-family mother used to relieve the boredom of the long days by strolling next door to the building site to watch the workmen through the wire fence
one day one of the men spots her and invites her in to have a closer look - they find her a box to sit on and bring her a mug of tea during the break, then, at knocking off time, they send her safely back to her mother
They are so enchanted with her that the men club together, but her a pink little boiler suit, a pink safery hat and a pair of pink workmen's gloves - they agree to adopt her as a mascot
At the end of the week, they hand her a litle pink envelope with a pound note in it, which she has to sign for with a little cross
Proudly, she runs home and hands it to her mother
Her mother takes it and says, "That will come in very handy dear - are you working next week"
"It depends whether those ****'s at the builders suppliers deliver the ***** blocks on time", she replies, smiling sweetly.
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 29 Apr 20 - 05:27 PM

A yarn about something similar; most of a family were gathered around what was expected to be the death-bed of an elderly relative. This bed was one of a very old style, not so much a four-poster as one literally forming part of the structure of the house, in this case built into one end of a tiny, cramped room in under the eaves of the cottage. For an hour or so they conversed in hushed tones among themselves and with the old relative, carefully avoiding anything at all connected to matters of illness or debility. Eventually, with much reassurance and seemingly cheerful expressions of confidence that the invalid would soon be up and about again, they rose to go.
One by one they moved slowly to the old wooden stair that led down to the kitchen ( it also went up to the bedroom; it was handy that way). One of them banged his head against a low beam. Surprised, he roared,
"Fur shit's sake! We'll never get a coffin out o' here."


Hear about the guy that opened Dracula's coffin?
He got a bat in the mouth.

(In parts of Scotland, at least, that would be an everyday expression for a slap, etc.; come to think of it, in many parts of Scotland that would BE an everyday occurrence.)

Good Luck.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Apr 20 - 08:41 AM

New England singer, Sarah Grey used to make a superb job of telling a Maine story about a man married to a very strict wife for many decades
One day she choked on an apple - all attempt to revive her failed so they waked her and prepared to bury her
As the undertakers men maneuvered the coffin through the narrow doorway, they hit the doorpost and jolted the coffin so hard that it loosened the chunk of apple still stuck in the wife's throat - she revived and lived for another decade
When she 'died' a second time they waked her again; as they carried the coffin through the door the husband shouted out, "Mind the doorpost boys"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Apr 20 - 07:22 AM

Two tales yoked together; one farm labourer from "up the country", and what was called "a bit far back" (unaware of things everyone would be expected to know, as a matter of course), saw the typical representation of the Sacred Heart hanging in a farm kitchen, and asked who was that with beard on him. He was told by the farmer who had hired him,according to the tale, that it was a picture of "Our Father". Predictably, the next year, the ill-informed labourer was on another farm, and the first time he was in the kitchen he said, "I see ye have a picture of the G--------'s father as well". He was then instructed at some length in the story of Christ, with particular emphasis on "The Sufferings of Our Lord". On returning home, he told his wife enthusiastically all this new learning, and she listened with rapt attention. When he had ended, she said, "Thon lad came through a quare rough course. That's one funeral ye should have been at."


(The second part actually had a young Priest going around his new Parish for the first time, eventually visiting an elderly couple living in a remote glen).

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Apr 20 - 05:37 AM

Which reminds me of a story from the Don Camillo series I gobbled up wholesale as you youth

(a free interpretation from memory)
The Communist mayor of an Italian mountain village secretly used to slip into the church to consult with god on local politics
A rival politician got wind of this, stationed himself behind a statue of the boy Jesus and, when the mayor began his prayers, would chip in with right wing propaganda outbursts
Eventually, the mayor had had enough; he spun round to face the offending statue and said, "I'm not talking to you, you little prick, I'm addressing your old man"
Jim