BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 01:27 PM

A man goes to the doctors with a rash on his penis - the doctor examines him, straightens up and says, "You've got the clap"
The man says, "But I'm a virgin - I've never had sex"
Puzzled, the doctor asks him, "Do you masturbate"
"Yes I do" came the reply
"Do you do it fast or slow" asks the doctor
"Slow" says the man, "I like to savour it"
"That explains it" says the doctor, "You're suffering from slow hand clap"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 10:57 AM

One of Tommy Cooper's best
A retired miner goes around to his mate's house to take him for their usual Sunday morning pint
He knocks on the door and when it is opened, he asks his mate's wife, "Is Tommy coming for a pint ?"
She replies, "I'm afraid Tommy had a heart attack and died yesterday"
After a short pause he asks, "Did he say anything about a can of paint ?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 09:43 AM

Doctor, I am having delusions, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes a teepee!

Calm down. You're too tense.

In the same vein, you can't run through a campground, you can only ran, because it is past tense.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 08:22 AM

'Doctor Doctor, my brother thinks he is an orange'........ ' Well you better bring him to see me'..... I have Doc... he's in my pocket.

'Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I am a pool ball'..... 'Just get to the end of the queue'.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 03:56 AM

An attractive young woman goes to the doctor uncomplaining of a persistently irritated rectum
He has her lay face down on his couch and begins to examine her, takes a pair of tweezers, fishes around for a few minutes, eventually pulls out a beautiful red rose and hands it to her
"Is there a card?" she asks
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 03:40 AM

"Please miss - can an ten year old become pregnant?"
"I don't think so Tommy"
Turning to a schoolmate, "I told you were were alright to give it a try Mary"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: BobL
Date: 10 Apr 20 - 03:11 AM

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bar of soap!
- That's life, Boy!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 20 - 03:24 PM

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains'.......'mmmm You look a bit drawn, better go home and pull yourself together'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Apr 20 - 02:49 PM

Not exactly a joke, but on our village Facebook a lady had posted an advert for a children's book called 'Coronavirus Explained for Children'. A bloke in our village had posted underneath the following:-

"Look! Look John!" said Janet.
"The man next door is having a lot of friends to visit!"
"I can see the man, Janet" said John. "What a prick!"

And a letter in the dreaded Daily Mail today suggested using the tune to 'Blow the winds southerly' while at the sink and singing, "Wash your hands thoroughly, thoroughly thoroughly..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Apr 20 - 03:47 AM

Somewhat bad taste I'm afraid (and another repeat, I'm sure)
A young man got a job as a barman'waiter in a large pub that was used regularly by the patients of a clinic for hearing and speech-impaired next door
The guv'nor carefully taught him the signing for all the drinks he was likely to be asked for and the young man seemed to take up the tast easily
He went through his first day without making a single mistake until closing time when the guv'not told him to call time
He walked into the br where he found it crowded with people, totally silent but all swinging their hands up to shoulder height in pefect rhythm
Puzzled, he went into the lounge to find exactly the same thing taking place
He sought out his boss and told him what was happening
"Shit - we'll never get them home now they've started to sing"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 09 Apr 20 - 03:03 AM

"Doctor! Doctor! I have this awful feeling that everyone is ignoring me!"

"Next, please..."

Funny you should say that ....................... on so many levels!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 03:00 PM

A teacher of the children of the military staff at Camp X Ray in Guantanamo and a member of the security staff are forced to share accommodation due to shortage of space
Not knowing each others work, They got on pretty well until one evening the teacher flops down in the armchair, obviously very depressed
"What's up guy ?" asks the security man
"The tension in this place is beginning to interfere with my work", says the teacher
"How do you mean?"
Well - today I asked the class, " Who shot Abraham Lincoln, and one of the lads leapt up and said "Not me sir"
"Jeez - that's awful" said the security man and went away to mix him a drink to try and cheer him up
The next night the teacher obviously felt a little better and the night went fine until the security man said, "By the way, that little bastard did shoot Lincoln - he confessed"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 01:54 PM

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter ?
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 01:53 PM

Stick around Steve but don't harp on that one or you might be strung up
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 01:29 PM

Is a harpist who's been temporarily laid off Furlough O'Carolan?

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 07:26 AM

In the same vein
My mate in Manchester used to tell this at interminable length at the the time Manchester pubs all had a model of a St Bernard collecting for the local Red Cross - a true "Shaggy Dog" tale
A climber in the mountains found himself suddenly engulfed in fog
He rambled around for hours, days, finally weeks, totally lost, till at last he collapsed and prepared himself to die
Suddenly a St Bernard appeared over the ridge with a barrel hung around his neck
Angrily he shooed him away; "Feck off - I've already given"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 06:50 AM

Another oldie
A clamber was trying his had out on the lower slopes of the Swiss Alps when he fell and broke his leg
He lat there for a while and, luckily, he was found by an alpine shepherd gathering in his flock for winter - too far to get help, the shepherd took him home, where he was welcomed by the women of the family, an attractive wife and a beautiful young daughter
The bound up his leg, made him comfortable and fed and clothed him - throughout the long nights they kept him entertained
In the deepest days of winter the shepherd painstakingly taught him to yodel
As the days began to get longer the shepherd made short trips out to see how conditions were improving - he returned after one particularly long trip to find the shepherd in bed with his daughter
Furious, he made a lunge for the door and began to limp his way down the mountain
Calming down, the shepherd stopped and roared after him;
"I rescued you, I brought you home, I fed you I gave you a bed, I even taught you to yodel - and how do you repay me - you defile my lovely daughter"
The climber sang back, "And your old layeedeee"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 06:44 AM

Doctor do you reccomend the new sex? "What do you mean?"
'Coming together' while practicing social distancing is pretty damn kinky.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 06:29 AM

You're dismally obsessed, Donuel. When I click on a joke thread I want to read a joke. You've posted many times to this thread but you have never posted a joke. And that's no joke.

"Doctor! Doctor! I have this awful feeling that everyone is ignoring me!"

"Next, please..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Apr 20 - 04:00 AM

Trump Watching? I feel I am in a drunken stupor just watching!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Apr 20 - 08:15 PM

How to play Trump Watching

First:
Who is this nobody?
"Nobody has ever seen such a great economy, Nobody has ever seen such great numbers. Nobody can believe such miracles I have made".
Does nobody mean No one or is there a real Mr. Nobody?
And what about fantastic?
"I have fantastic numbers. I have made fantastic progress".
Doesn't fantastic mean; imaginative or fanciful; remote from reality?
Doesn't incredible mean without credibility? the word Unbelievable is equal to incredible.

In the next daily 5 o'clock speech, listen for the frequency of 5 key words.
Count how many times you hear the words; nobody, fantastic, unbelievable incredible and tremendous.

Divide by the number of times of the word tremendous is mentioned and...

You will get a coefficient either above five or below 5.
Above 5 is a gigantic lieing ass hole
Below 5 is a huge lieing ass hole

^WARNING if you make this a 5 word drinking game you will die of alcohol poisoning.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Apr 20 - 12:54 PM

When Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong -Jones she sent a postcard to her sister Maj from their Honeymoon Hotel
The Queen tried to read it with difficulty, and said, "I think it says "What happiness", shook her head, peered at it and said "Bloody handwriting, no it doesn't, it says, What a penis"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 20 - 11:12 AM

2019: boy was I badass.
2020: hold my corona...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Apr 20 - 11:26 AM

A man walks into the doctors sugery, takes out his rather impressive penis and says, "will you have a look at that please?"
The doctor examines it closely and finally says, "I can't find a thing wrong with it"
"Not bad, is it?" says the man, puts it back and walks out

A Japanese man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor tells him he can treat it with pills; the man explains, "But this is different"
He drops his trousers and lets out w might "HONDA"
Confused, the doctor examines him closely and finally stands up, smiling
"You have an abscess, I'm afraid - easily treatable"
"But isn't it unusual to sound like that?" asks the man
"Not really" says the doctor, "In Britain we have a saying - "Abscess makes the fart go "HONDA"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Apr 20 - 09:43 AM

sound recording of the vernal jape

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM

An RE teacher was listing the descendants of Adam during a lesson:-

"And Enoch begat Methuselah:
And Methuselah begat Lamech.
And Lamech begat a son: And he called his name Noah ..."

She then instructed the pupils to take out their exercise books and write a sentence using the word 'begat'. One little lad thought for a while and then wrote:-

"If you can't fight, wear a big 'at"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 06:25 PM

The junior school teacher wrote the word "contagious" on the blackboard, explained to the class what it meant, then said to her class, "Right, now I want you to write a sentence using the word 'contagious'!"

After a while she called up little Julie to the front and said to her, "Right, Julie, would you like to read your sentence to the class?"

"Yes, miss," said Julie, "My dad saw the man next door painting his house with a two-inch brush, and he said that it would take the contagious."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM

It is exactly as hard to intentionally lose a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors as it is to win it.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 03:31 AM

A zebra was sent on an exchange visit to an English farm - he was warmly welcomed and introduced to all the stock one by one
It first met the chickens - "You're strange looking birds' what do you do?"
"We're chickens - we lay eggs for the farm and eventually, our meat is sold to feed the people and our feathers used to stuff pillows"
"Very good" he moved on
Next he met the pigs - "We're pigs, the farmer tends and feeds us and in return, when we die, our meat is sold off and our skin is used for various things"
"Very commendable" - on to the sheep, a similar story
Then on to the cows
"We're cows - we give milk for the farmer which brings him a good living, we produce babies regularly which increase his prosperity, and at the end of our practical usefulness, we are sold at the local mart, our meat goes to feed the nation and our hides are used for the manufacture of clothes"
"you really are valuable creatures, aren't you ?"

Tiring a little and hungry, he wanders off to the outskirts of the farm to find somewhere to graze - in the far distance he spots an enormous, well endowed magnificent bull tethered in a field
Intrigued, he trots over - "I suppose your another cow ?"
"**** off - I'm a bull"
"What do you do ?"
"Get those ****** pyjamas off and I'll show you"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 08:14 PM

This is true and I have to confess I didn't find it funny in at the time - takes a bit of time to tell - sorry
I used to be petrified of going to the dentist and as a result, had a lot of teeth problems when I was younger
On my first job on London I started having really bad pain - when I told my boss, he recommended me to "a very attractive young South African woman Dentist" nearby - "you'll enjoy a visit to her" he said "she's very well-built and has a habit of leaning very close over you when she examines you"
To my shame, this did much to overcome my fears, so I contacted her and made an appointment - when I explained my nervousness, she was very understanding and assured me she would render me unconscious before she did her work, if it was necessary - she told me to arrange for someone to get me home
   
At the time I was paired with an electrician who happened to be known as a practical joker, on the day I had arranged with him that I would not be in work on the day because of having to be knocked out for dental work
Earlier that week we had been working at a local farm where he had been given a frozen chicken and asked me did I want one if he could get another - a said I did

On the day, Pat agreed to pick me up from the Dentist, which she did - I was in a stupor, so when she took me home she had to lead me up the three fights of steep, winding stairs to our self-contained top floor flat - she left me slumped in a chair and returned to work
Shortly afterwards the front door ball reng and I made my way carefully down stairs and opened the front door to find there was nobody there but there was a cardboard box on the doorstep
I brought it inside, closed the front door and opened the box
A live chicken flew out   
I chased that poor bird up and down the stairs for an hour before I finally got it back into the box - when Pat got home she found chicken-shit covering the stairs from top to bottom
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 07:25 PM

A visitor was being shown around a farm and they came to a sty with a pig inside with a wooden leg
The visitor bagan to laugh and the farmer protested saying, "Don't you dare laugh; that's a very brave animal - it saved my life three times"
"How do you mean ?"
"Well", he was told", last month a rabid dog came into the yard and attacked me - it cornered me against the sty there - That pig leapt over the fence and fought the dog off until help came"
"Amazing" said the man"
That's not all; shortly afterwards I was coming home drunk from the pub and I staggered and fell into the pond; I was too drunk to swim and the pig came to my rescue, grabbed my by the collar and hauled me out"
"That's unbelievable"
"That's nothing - I was working on that slope with the tractor; it overturned and the pig ran up, scraped me out with it's trotters then ran off to find help"
"That really is a magnificent beast" said the man, but why has it got a wooden leg ?"
"You don't eat an animal like that at one meal" he was told
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 06:58 PM

A young woman took the Pill washed down with pond water. It's just been confirmed she's three months' stagnant.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 04:49 PM

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 04:46 PM

My wife said to me, "Cor, these new slippers of mine are really uncomfortable!"

I looked at her and said, "But you've got them on the wrong feet!"

She said, "But these are the only feet I've got..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 09:26 AM

What type of dog is best at magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM

Three men are sentenced to death by the firing squad.

The first one is tied to the pole, the firing squad marches into position.
At the moment they take aim, the sentenced man calls out "Earthquake!", and the firing squad flees in panic.
The man is released, as no one ever before had the idea of using that idea.

The second one is tied to the pole, the firing squad marches into position.
At the moment they take aim, the sentenced man calls out "volcano outbreak!", again the firing squad flees in panic.
The second man is released as well, same reason - no one before had the volcano idea.

So the third one gets tied to the pole, again the firing squad marches into position.
The third man thinks hard what catastrophy he could use to get free as well, but can't think of anything.
So the firing squad takes aim, and in that moment, the third man at last has an idea, and he calls ...

"Fire!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 01:19 PM

...so, there was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM

It will come as no surprise at all to learn first that I heard a version of that as a child (!), and secondly, that it was in the form of a "Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman" joke. Guess who had the line attributed above to the lad from Kerry? An alternative way, avoiding the slight awkwardness of having that necessary choice, involves the Third Stooge, as it were, saying, "I'm not having anything to do wi' thon yoke, it's not working...".

Not really a joke, but connected with failures in the supposedly foolproof Guillotine, is Lord Byron's account of a multiple execution in France, obviously c. 1802 or after 1815. There must have been some irregularity in the mechanism, or the first prisoner struggled, but whatever the cause the blade did not cut through the neck, but right into the skull, obviously sticking half-way through. This produced quite an effect on the crowd and on the other prisoners, not to mention the skull. Byron wrote that he could barely bring himself to watch proceedings any further; "I do confess that the Opera Glasses fairly quivered in my hand".

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 04:31 AM

Heard in my local just before they all closed
Three Irishmen, a Cork man, a limerick man and a Kerry man were caught taking part in a bank raid in Paris where someone was shot
They were found guilt and sentenced to be guillotined
They were given the choice whether to lie face down or face up on the fatal day
The Cork man opted to lie face down, he did so and listened to the blade slide down towards his beck - suddenly it jammed an inch before it hit the fatal spot
He was taken down and reprieved by French law
The limeric man made the same choice and opted for face down - the same thing happened, the blade jammed and he was reprieved
When it was his turn, the Kerryman chose to face his fate bravely and was placed ready
As he waited, he stared up at the blade and said, "Hang on a minute, I think I can see what's wrong with this yoke"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM

"Born in Glasgow but was 'Liverpool Irish' how on earth does that work?"
Both of my parent's families were born in Ireland - they moved to Liverpool -and were 'Liverpool Irish'
My father was born in Glasgow because his parents were market traders who travelled the country selling their wares (selff manufactured glue) and that's where they happened to be when my dad was born
They moved back to Liverpool where my dad was brought up
Wasn't it the Duke of Wellington who said "Because you were born in a stable that doesn't make you a horse"
I don't consider myself Irish or Anglo Irish, but now I live here I feel a greater affinity to it than I do England
'What's born in the blood..." as they say
I've got a tee-shirt saying "I'm a blow-in somewhere"

Your story's reminiscent of my mother-in-law's Jewish employer's experienced in Norther Ireland during the troubles
He was stopped at an unofficial checkpoint by armed, hooded men and asked
"Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"   
"I'm a Jew", he replied
Afret a slightly bemused pause and a whispered conversation between the men, he was asked, "Are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew ?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 06:26 PM

Born in Glasgow but was 'Liverpool Irish' how on earth does that work?

No more Irish than I am and I've no Irish in me at all that I can find.

Love the country, love the people. I even live in the country but would never even try and claim to be Anglo-Irish.

I'm a blow-in and always will be.

Anyhow ………… back in the 70's a young lad from Clifden out on the Connemara was on his way North to visit some friends. He got stopped by squaddies at the border "Whats you name" …… Patsy O'Donaghue was the answer. "Where're you from" ……… Clifden "where's that" ……… the Connemara "where's that" ……….. County Galway "Why didn't you tell us that" .. I just did "where are you going" ….. Derry " you mean London derry" ……..... No I mean Derry.

Pull into that layby and turn your engine off. So he pulls into the layby and 20 minutes later the squaddies return. "whats you name" .. Patsy O'Donaghue" "where're you from" ………. Clifden ………… it goes on as before ……….. "where are you going" ……… Derry "you mean Londonderry" .. No I mean Derry.

"wait here, take your keys out of the ignition.

Another 20 minutes pass and the squaddies return .

"what's your name" …………… ah fuck it thinks the lad "I'm Patsy O'Donaghue and I'm going to Belfast!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:39 PM

So the two found a deep-looking hole. One tosses a pebble in, but they never hear it hit bottom. So they llok around and find a big rock and toss that in- no sound. So the hunt more and find a railroad tie and chuck that in- nothing. So they scout around to find a boulder, when along comes a goat, runs full-tilt into the hole... Still no sound of anything hitting bottom. They are trying to wrestle a boulder over when a farmer comes up and asks, seen a goat anywhere? Well, the two say embarrassedly, I think your goat just jumped into that there hole. Oh, no, says the farmer, that wasn't *my* goat.

*My* goat was tied to a railroad tie.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:19 PM

An open razor is also good for sharpening pencils, though.

One time, on a crowded train in Glasgow, I and others listened with interest to a wee jakie singing, loudly and not entirely tunelessly, a couple of songs associated with one local football team. Otherwise, he was chiefly remarkable for a network of healed slashes across cheeks and jawline. He didn't have much interest in fashionable, or even clean clothes either. The drink had encouraged his compulsion to perform, and evidently diminished his instinct for survival, since it was the weekend and, at the time, the compartment was crowded mainly with supporters of the other major local team. The wee Glesga Kamikaze sung on regardless. At an opportune pause for breath, someone asked loudly, "hi, pal? 'sat how ye goat yir face like that?"
Rerr chanter, but.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 03:55 PM

I remember the book - I read it in my youth (mis-spent youth)
Maybe that's where my dad got it - he was Liverpool Irish but was born in Glasgow - I'm pretty sure he only used razors for shaving though !!
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 02:54 PM

Jim, since I know from other threads you like tracing things back to "original versions" (hah!), it may be of interest to know that a variant of that situation occurs at the beginning of the famous Glasgow book, "No Mean City". It's not a joke, either (not many laughs in the Gorbals). A third variant was the way I heard it, a man complaining that his wife was lazy &c.; "and there's always dishes in the sink when I go furra p-sh".

The way that jokes &c. re-appear, often with slight changes, would be an interesting "minor key" accompaniment to discussions about what I've heard called "parallel versions" of songs (whether or no they were noted down by Child or anyone).Good Luck.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 01:59 PM

"Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! "
Really ? - my dad told me that when I was at school (he died in 1965)
Funny how they get around !!

Another from him
Two navvies in a pub - one asked the other "How's your digs (accommodation)?"
"Terrible", came the reply, "You can't get a piss in the sink for dirty dishes"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 12:14 PM

Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! Another in the same publication involved neighbours, one young man and a similarly single young woman, in the days when houses were small and simply furnished, and while they may have had inside plumbing with a sink and tap there was nothing like washing-machines, far less dishwashers. There were not any inside toilets either, but each of these neighbours had a little outhouse at the end of the yard.
    The young man wished often to speak with the young lady, but seldom had the opportunity and in any case became awkward and tongue-tied in her presence. Anyway, as far as I recall, he decided "Dutch courage" was called for, and fortified himself with a shot or two of [insert proprietary brand] whiskey. Maybe he overdid it, because when he looked from his window and saw the young lady making her way elegantly across her yard, he stumbled slightly as he hastened to speak to her over the wall, but recovered himself sufficiently to say hello and try to pass the time of day. She was pleasant enough, which must have caused his shyness to resurface. He couldn't think what to say to continue the conversation. He glanced round desperately for ideas. He scanned the house, the yard, the gate, the outhouse, the little patch of worn grass..
      It was but a moment till inspiration struck. Pleasantly, politely, he enquires, "So, ye gaun' furra sh-te, then?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 11:00 AM

A young 'nipper' (tea lad) working on the road outside Doncaster went into town to a dance one Saturday night and became very friendly with a local girl
He walked her home and she asked him would he like to come in for a while
"You'll have to be very quiet and not wake up my parents" she told him
They both quietly slipped in, got comfortable on the sofa and started to.... what young people do
After a half hour he whispered, "Can I use your toilet ?"
"Would the kitchen sink do ?" she asked, "I daren't let you go upstairs"
"That'll do fine", he said
He disappeared into the kitchen and, after a while he popped his head around the kitchen door and whispered, "Have you got any paper ?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 10:21 AM

Some months later, I understand the same gentleman lost an ear in an accident involving a blade on the end of a plumb-line. A quick search found a bleeding ear, but the injured and bleeding workie said it couldn't be his. He always had a pencil tucked behind his.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM

Another of my dad's stories
The sanitary conditions (when there were any) on the sites he worked on consisted of digging a large hole, placing a plank balanced on two oil drums across it and then dropping a shed over it
When the hole was full it was moved elsewhere and the old one filled in
My dad went in to one of these sheds at one time and found a workmate up his knees in the mess, fishing around with his arm
"What are you doing down there Tommy ?" he asked
"Well Jimmy; I came in to make myself comfortable, took my jacket off and hung it over the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it"
"You couldn't possibly wear it after it's been in there" said my dad
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim