BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:39 PM

The greatest birds in the world are the two Liver birds in Liverpool, on the Royal Liver Building on the Pier Head, which are also on the crest of Liverpool FC. I'll brook no demurrals...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:33 PM

A Dodo?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:28 PM

Are there nationalistic birds? I thought birds were without borders.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 12:51 PM

Careful, Jim - we don't want to do anything that woodcock up this thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM

I suppose you know what we've just done was a Flyting (sort of) Steve
Maybe ewe should do one on birds !!!
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 12:42 PM

I suppose you know what we've just done was a Flyting (sort of) Steve
Maybe ewe should do one on birds !!!
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 09:24 AM

I'll have yo fluke elsewhere
Beatcha too it !!

Pollocks to this, I've other fish to fry
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 09:19 AM

Just asked Pat if she wants to come but she's a bit Koi - she's in one of her carping moods
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:56 AM

Any day barramundi, Jim. That's the sole day I can't hake it....

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM

If these fish puns elicit anything other than a groan it'll be a fluke.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:51 AM

How Baramundi, or or would Tuesday be Betta ?
There'll be a grouper of us - must get our pikes out
(only another 24 letters to go)
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:35 AM

Whale kipper whelk-ome for you here if you ever visit Cornwall, Jim...Don't ling-er now...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM

One of my all time fav fish songs by Kip Adotta

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l1GvDWtccI

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 08:10 AM

"My fish jokes are brill, "
I've always tried to skate over them Steve, though you don't want to hear what I say about them out of your herring

A Liverpool kids joke
A hard of hearing woman went to the doctor's to get advice on how to get pregnant - he told her, 'You have an agitated hole and if you have a baby it will be a miracle'
She returned home dejected - "What did he say ?" asked her husband
"He said I have a haddock up my hole and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 07:41 AM

My fish jokes are brill, so just get off your high sea-horse.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 07:10 AM

He's a cold fish...

That's the problem with humour, it needs the references. You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption. Dunning-Kruger would be interested in that conceit.

There is a sweet spot, too much knowledge on the subject and it becomes unfunny again.
When the world woke up to silicon chips there were numerous jokes about silicone, particularly involving breasts. If you can design with silicon chips it just isn't funny. It is a pun without usable connection.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Mar 20 - 08:29 PM

According to my Liverpool mates when the film came out, Ben Hur's mother caught leprosy from a toilet seat ?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 02:58 PM

"I really don’t know love at all’’
I assume - oh never mind....
A non pop-a lover's joke GS
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 02:45 PM

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 12:29 PM

Retakes on theatre
"What's it all about Malfi"
"Is this a digger I see before me" (for our Australian Cousins')
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 20 - 09:52 AM

Two Elderly Cardiff ladies were conversing through the communal wall of their outside lavatories
"Hmmmmmm.... (straining) Is that you Mrs Evans ?"
"Hmmmmmm.... it is Mrs Davis"
"hmmmmmm.... How's your 'ubby, ?"
"hmmmmmm.... 'Es fine, 'ow's yours ?"
"hmmmmmm.... Same as ever, 'e never changes; 'ows your lad Dai 'avent seen 'im round for a while ?"
"hmmmmmm.....'E's in London, got a place in drama school"
"hmmmmmk..... Always was a clever lad, what't 'e doin' ?"
"hmmmmmm..... 'e's playin 'Amlet"
"hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oooh, that's a hard part"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 06:37 PM

Mention of Welsh jokes reminds me: A little boy came into a shop and asked for some detergent. "What do you want it for?" "To wash my budgerigar." "That won't do it any good." Nevertheless, the boy picked out some detergent. He came in again a week later. "How is the budgerigar?" "Dead." "What did I tell you?" "It wasn't the detergent that did it. It was the wringer."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 03:05 PM

Yes !!!
Another Welsh joke similar to another
A young apprentice engineer from Liverpool decided to blow a few months wages on a holiday in a village in North Wales
After the first day of having nothing to do he was bored out of his skull, so he stood outside the local blacksmith's shop and watched him shoeing a horse, gradually he became fascinated
The Smith invited him in to watch and when he'd finished said, "I'm going down to the pub for my lunch; you can finish off, if you like" - the lad jumped at it
The Smith handed him a file and a wire brush and told him to clean up the horse's feet and remove any burr
When he came back an hour later, he saw the lad had made a perfect job of his task - except the horse was lying on it's back, stone dead, with its legs sticking up in the air
"God lad, you've done a great job, but what happened to the horse?"
"Dunno," he said, "it's been like that since I took it out of the vice"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM

Careful at the gate, boys, careful at the gate!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 12:40 PM

" his mates laughed their heads off"
Gorgeous - GS

Can't remember if I posted this - the last story we recorded from Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy just before he died

Mickey Delaney was a half-Traveller, half tramp way back in Caherciveen when I was young
He never had a tent or a caravan, but would come into town carrying his tools on his shoulder at the beginning of Winter each year, find somewhere to sleep rough and look for work to feed himself until the Spring   
Every year he'd arrive in town, go straight to Dr Clifford's house, knock on the door and ask - "Do you have anything for a back back" or "do you have anything for a stomach ache" or "do you have anything for a pain in the head".....
The Doctor would always invite him in, give him a slap-up meal and a £5 note and send him on his way

This went on for years until, one particularly bad winter Mickey was spotted on the outskirts of town but after that, there was no sign of him
The townspeople became worried and set up a search - they eventually found him frozen to death in an old barn
They went to see Dr Clifford for a death certificate and when they explained what had happened
Clifford said, "I came to this town as a young man intending to marry and raise a family here, so I bought a family plot in the graveyard - I never married, so you might as well bury Mickey up there - plenty of room for two
They did just that, had a drink in the bar to his memory and buried him -Doctor Clifford paid for the funeral

Years rolled by and eventually the Doctor passed away - the townspeople buried him next to Mickey
After the mourners went home, Clifford lay in his box waiting for the journey up when he heard a knocking to the side the coffin
"Who's that" he calls out ?
"It's Mickey", came the reply
"What do you want ?"
"Do you have anything for worms ?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 07:21 AM

Jim Carroll. When the leper threw in a rotten hand, his mates laughed their heads off.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 06:18 AM

Another Welsh joke
A Liverpool man takes a week's holiday in a small Welsh village - on the first day he walks down the street saying 'good morning' to everybody he meets - he was greeted with silence each time
He tells the barman that night in the pub and is told, 'We're Welsh speakers around here, if you want to make contact try saying 'iechyd da' (yaki da)
Next morning he sets off and immediately sees a grease covered man stretched out under a car fiddling with the engine
"iechyd da" he chirps out
"Fuck off, you smug Taffy bastard" comes the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM

Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad'

Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth
"What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?"
"Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad"   
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM

Thanks Steve - thought you were asking if I read 'The Grauniad'

Heard on a CND anti-warhip demonstration at Pembroke Dock in my youth
"What's this I 'ear about you goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband 'as a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones ?"
"Ooooh - I never said no such thing, Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like 'e 'ad"   
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 12:12 PM

Red gurnard is a fish, Jim. I've been using fish puns on an extremely unappreciative Mr Red for a while. He's a cold fish...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM

(sorry Steve - don't understand Steve)

Somewhat non PC but very popular here
Two flies climbing up a window frame - which one is the Catholic ?
The one that shits on the sash
Sorry
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 05:51 AM

Nice one, Jim!

Tell me: do you, Red, gurn 'ard?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM

A leper playing poker threw his hand in
(still haven't heard my first Corona Virus Joke yet except the one in yesterday's paper about the man who walked into a shop wearing a mask
When everyone backed away in panic he said, "Don't worry, I've come in to rob you"   
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Mar 20 - 03:38 AM

eel miss the point for sure,

Hardly - I replied with a joke (in a fucking joke thread!), obvious not funny to someone who has heard it before, but recognised as one of a certain class of joke, reversal of the obvious.

In a pub, the person trying to be humorous would have a facial expression, which, in the digital pub, emoticons serve. Human communication is not all verbal, some people don't realise that in cyberspace. Yet they have the arrogance to think people can see their intent purely from text, and the arrogance to think they can read other peoples' minds across the ether.

Not funny, but apposite.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 08:53 PM

Never believe anything an atom tells you.

They make up everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 07:44 AM

I got an excuse note from a lad in my class years ago which read "Dear Mr Shaw, John couldn't come to school yesterday with his stomach."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 05:33 AM

I worked fro a time for Liverpool Housing Department as a maintenance electrician
The office I booked in at had a framed letter hanging on the wall from a woman tenant reading:

"Please send man, have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 05:27 AM

It's true, unfortunately. And you missed the spirit of my post, didn't you? I thought to myself at the time, eel miss the point for sure, will that Mr Red, and instead of laughing eel simply gurn 'ard...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Mar 20 - 04:53 AM

I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap.

Yea, not conceited either, but you obviously have every reason to be.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 03:19 PM

There are many bogus and preposterous cures for Corona virus emerging.
India is using clove nose drops with a secret ingredient.
Mexico is so superstitious they rely on witch doctors.
Now the US has an organic cure that is going Facebook viral, .5 grams of grated White Nationalist testicles. Beware of imitations. They advise you get it in person. Make white nationalists grate again.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 02:41 PM

That was cute, now if you want GROSS...
er delicate Stevie is here

but first Oogle!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM

If we're going in for "gross jokes" then how did Liberace know that he had 6 weeks to live?

A gerbil crawled out of his butt and saw it's shadow.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 10:10 AM

And you have shit for brains. Knock it off and find something useful to do.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 09:20 AM

Steve does not have a little ego. He has an Egosaur that never heals.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 09:01 AM

Perhaps gross jokes are his "cup of tea".
6 gay guys were in a hot tub when a big glob of semen came spooling up to the top of the churning water. He said, "who farted?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 08:50 AM

Afterall it takes a rare and unique person like yourself to blow a seal at a shell station and get filled up.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 20 - 08:40 AM

If you were not as uncommonly similar to Trump as you are Steve, we would not love you so much. You are the greatest.

Because the herd was pre sorted by gender
Juan Gonzales found out too late that all
the Dairy Llamas he had milked were males.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 20 - 08:12 AM

I provide a damn sight more laughs than you do, old chap. I want to keep it as a JOKE thread. Carping on, eh? I've haddock up to here with you and your little dabs at me. It's about time you learned your plaice. So what are you whiting for, pollack? Just let minnow when you're up for it...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Mar 20 - 07:52 AM

supposed jokes is getting incredibly tiresome. Unfunny in the extreme.

Each to his own, carping on a joke thread is decidedly unfunny. Just like Trumps tweets in fact.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Feb 20 - 01:31 PM

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him.