BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 08:20 AM

A crossfit maven walks into a bar. How do we know? They'll tell you.

Works with vegans and a third group I don't recall...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 07:35 AM

The first rule of Vegan Club- Tell everyone about Vegan Club.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 05:40 AM

Hahahaaaaagh Steve! If she had a bad cold she could then be called Red Funnel.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 05:31 AM

And if Isla St Clair married Barry White, divorced him, then married Bryan Ferry, would she then be Isla White-Ferry?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 04:25 AM

(From the Daily Telegraph book, Stop The World, I Want To Get Off')

The next Mary Berry programme will look at fortified wine on a ship from Northern Ireland to the Republic of Ireland.: 'The Mary Berry Derry to Kerry Sherry Ferry'.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 06:44 PM

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 05:44 PM

Nigel tells the finest cheesiest jokes
Steve specializes in cosmopolitan colloquial jokes
Iain does generalized insult humor
while Donuel does the squareroots of - numbers

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM

Went to the zoo the other day. Didn't see any animals, but one dog.

It was a shitzu.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Feb 20 - 08:39 PM

Went to see the doc today. Eventually, he told me that he thought I had hypochondria.

Well I'm not surprised, sez I. I might as well have that. After all, I've got everything else...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Feb 20 - 08:02 AM

How many Crime Writers does it take to change a light bulb.

2

One to push it in
and a second to give it a final twist.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Feb 20 - 06:16 PM

Just heard this on a TED talk on how to hone humour skills.

'Converting the numbers 51, 6 and 500 to Roman numerals makes me LIVID.'

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 06:32 PM

West Mercia Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 03:15 PM

No idea - like a deer with no eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:49 PM

And of course one from Tommy Cooper:

I got stopped in my car last night by a policeman. Cop: "Right, I'm going to follow you to the nearest police station." Me: "What for, officer?" Cop: "I've forgotten the way."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:45 PM

After a series of crimes in his area, the police chief has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:30 PM

Glory!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM

Someone drilled a hole in the brothel wall.

The police are looking into it.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 01:52 PM

A large quantity of viagra was stolen from a pharmacy last night. The police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 11:49 AM

Womans two pet chimps die, so she takes them to the taxidermist:
"Do you want them mounted?"
"Oh no, just holding hands!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 09:28 AM

Yorkshireman goes to a goldsmiths and asks, "Me whippet's dead. If I show yer a photo can tha mek us a gold statue of it?"

Aye, I can," he says. "Dost tha want it eighteen carat?"

"Nay, yer daft bugger, just chewin' bone'll do fine."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 07:54 AM

Yorkshireman takes his poorly cat to t'vetnery.

"Will tha just tek a butchers at me cat? He's bin chucking up summat rotten..."

"Right, sir, let's have a look. Is your cat a Tom?"

"Naw, yer daft bugger, tha can see that I've browt it wi' me..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 07:19 AM

There is a trend developing in the night clubs of northern cities, such as Leeds and Sheffield, for revellers to take Ecstasy by pushing the tablets inside their upper or lower lips. It's known as E by gum.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 28 Jan 20 - 05:17 AM

Where is the best place to buy Yorkshire spearmint online?
Ebay Gum

I'll get me coat.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 03:08 PM

I thought it was going to be something to do with a hole in one - not a hold in One.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 03:03 PM

Two men,one of whom was a vicar were playing golf together.

At the first tee one man took a swing but did not hit the ball 'Damn he said missed the bastard' The vicar chided him for using such language saying that God woud punish him, don't be daft he replied.

A the next hole he missed an easy putt 'damn missed the bastard'once again the vicar chided him.

This continued at nearly every hole 'damn missed the bastard' again and again with the vicar telling him each time that God would punish him.

At the 17th he again missed his swing 'damn .......... what the ......'

The clouds opened a old man with a long white beard peered down through the gloom with his arm outstretched from whence a lightening bolt shot down right into a bunker next to where the man was standing

'DAMN MISSED THE BASTARD!!' came a voice from the heavens.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 02:50 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 02:48 PM

The floodlights in the football stadium suddenly failed and panic ensued. No fault could be found in the system and all fuses were in good order.‘’What now’’? asked Ken, the director.
Having evaded security, the Chinese man entered the box with an assured expression on his face.
‘’I can solve problem’’ he said with an air of authority. ‘’How?’’ asked the director. The man took the microphone and spoke. ‘’Everybody put hands in air’’. The spectators complied and the lights immediately came back on.
The Chinese man enlightened the director. ‘’Ancient Chinese proverb say, Many hands make light work

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 07:18 AM

How do you tempt Winnie the Pooh out of his house?
C'mon bear.

How did the cheese string paint his wife?
Double glossed her.

What did the Geordie say when he saw the edge of the reservoir?
Eee, dam.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM

GREAT movie, that, Donuel...

My cheese shop was so badly damaged in that last earthquake that all there was left was da Brie.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 05:29 AM

it was said
he who would pun would pick a pocket

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 20 - 05:22 AM

Q. What do you get if you throw a hand grenade into a Frenchman's kitchen?


A. Linoleum Blownapart...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 05:31 PM

Just cme back from a Cajun dance weekend, which finished with everyone singing "Knock, Knock, Knockin on heavan's door".

I knew what it would be as they started the tune, 'cause the tune rang a bell ........................

Funny? No? Well do I get points for it being true?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 04:00 PM

Without any improvement, I just mash 4 jokes together that I find here and present it as a new joke. Not even God can hit a fun prion.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 03:50 PM

Further to the above, sorry - I say "my" when I actually first heard it following an Australian golfer called Billy Dunk (an excellent putter who holds many course records in Australia and beyond) during a pro-am in Sydney, many years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 03:47 PM

...my golf joke is not on here:

2 golfers were part way through their round when thunder and lightening began.

When one pulled a 1-iron out of his bag and held it up high, his partner cried: "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about".

To which he calmly replied: "Not even God can hit a 1-iron".

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 03:28 PM

Some very very old jokes here recently!

I agree that there are some very old jokes but it's not a recent phenomenon. Mudcat joke threads have been regurgitating old jokes almost as long as Mudcat has existed.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 11:18 AM

Some very very old jokes here recently!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 20 - 09:56 AM

"Mummy, mummy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!"


"Now don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jan 20 - 08:20 AM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 02:54 PM

Where are the Andes?



....... at the end of your armies!


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 02:21 PM

Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?

Because, to a Frenchman, one egg is un oeuf...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 02:11 PM

I bought a dozen eggs yesterday and put them in the refrigerator. When I went to make breakfast this morning, the fridge was full of the souls of dead people!




The eggs were mediums.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 12:31 PM

Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Jan 20 - 03:07 AM

How did George Washington address his troops?






In General terms...............

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 04:42 PM

Just watching Concorde: A Supersonic Story on BBC4, again, and one elderly chap seemed to be a poet who didn't know it when he said:

I went to the loo
On Mach 2.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 04:25 PM

A country singer was wandering in the street and bumped into a big ol police officer who said "whats going on?"
Oh officer, I can't find my car.

Where did you think it was?

Well, it was right on the end of this here key.

I have some good people who will take your information,
fill out a few forms and help you find your car.
But first, could you zip up your fly ?

The singer looked down and said "Damn and they got my girl too."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 07:17 AM

This one, sorry - "Types of folk music you like or dislike"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 07:14 AM

Steve: I don't think - in jest or otherwise - questioning the standard of English among shopkeepers in modern multicultural England is "racist"; nor was it racist for our politicians to approve a bill to test the standard of English of those wishing to emigrate here - I, by the way, would stop all economic/CAPITALIST immigration in the first place.

Thus, with some qualification (I do support genuine asylum seekers being helped to their NEAREST - in terms of culture and geography - safe nation, e.g.), I would accept being called an anti-imimgrationist, but certainly NOT racist, having repatriated upon study and respect for Aboriginal and other indigenous Land Rights (along the way, developing a liking for a bit of gobbledygook, now and then).

As for your Irish jokes requests, the closest I have is from a Guest's request for Daniel O'Donnell jokes on the https://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=167123&messages=145 thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 06:41 AM

The mental patient escaped and ran into the local town, where he entered the laundrette and raped two women who were there before running off. Headlines in the paper the following day read:- NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 20 - 06:32 AM

"This candle smells like my vagina"


"Prove it"