BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 07:16 AM

With "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" on the tele last night, I thought of this query but, when I just searched, only found joke threads for 2018 to 2020.

So, if I may, why does Harrison Ford often spill his drink in movies? Spilberg?!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 07:40 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:29 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Because the chicken coming towards him would have been too close for social distancing!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:56 AM

...definitely not a headless chicken, then, DC!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 11:44 AM

Abraham bound his son Isaac on an altar at Moriah long ago, as he had been instructed by God. An angel suddenly stopped Abraham when he was about to slay his son and switched Isaac with a ram! WHAM
Donald bound his son Donald on an alter in Maralago, as he had been instructed by Satan. A demon suddenly stopped Donald when he was about to slay his son and switched old Donald with Donald! WHAM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 11:53 AM

or switched Donald with old Donald, I don't know which is worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 03:09 PM

Donuel, I know that this has been posted before but your "humour" is only "humourous" to yourself.

You are not funny to the rest of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 04:03 PM

I've been biting my lip here, but I couldn't agree more, Raggytash. If yanks find his stuff funny, well I can say is that it explains everything that's wrong with America. Seven posts, eight now, and not a laugh in sight apart from Georgiansilver's ancient one. I mean, for God's sake. I hardly have the energy to conjure up a joke meself. "Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!" "Hmm, I thought you looked a little drawn..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 04:30 PM

Thanks for that vote of confidence, Steve. Well, it made me chuckle when I first heard it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 05:24 PM

I know. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Indicative of the times I suppose. I admit to a small grin when I read yours, but I think I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 08:25 PM

I said to the wife's sister in bed this morning, there's too much happiness in the world. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 08:59 PM

That'll do! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:13 PM

And you thought 2021 would be different.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:20 PM

People are saying "you poked the bear and will pay for it".
I suppose we all have a bear to cross.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 05:44 AM

My God, is the corset shop still open? I think I've just busted mine...

:-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 08:28 AM

Of corset is Steve Shaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:06 AM

*Groan* but hurray! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:13 AM

His humor often stays.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:18 AM

Thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 21 - 11:02 AM

I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes... you can hope but you can't hide

Stephen Colbert US talk show host not only sang a shanty, well a line of Billy o' Tea, but made a telling remark.

It was a picture of a truck being loaded at the White House and he quipped "I never thought I would find a picture of a moving truck............. moving"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 21 - 05:53 PM

Biden's dog has no nose...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Jan 21 - 06:50 AM

Just as well, after the last occupant of the WH.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 05:40 AM

Stormy Daniels claims to have had a brief affair with Donald Trump for which she was well-compensated, Trump says it isn't so.
I don't know who to believe, the fake blonde with the big boobs or the porn star.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 05:54 AM

A boy arrives at school wearing a Fitbit watch. The P.E. teacher is most impressed and asks him of he is keeping track of his steps. "No" he replies. "I'm wearing it for my Mum, so Dad won't think that she's been sitting down, watching TV all day".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 10:58 AM

"Keep running that play until you get it right" said Larry King, Married 8 times and once arrested for grand larceny

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 11:00 AM

Two Lions were walking down Deansgate in Manchester one Saturday afternoon.

One says to t'other it's quiet for a Saturday ain't it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 04:56 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVfGItTM7ss

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 08:13 AM

An old man passed away and his daughter had the difficult job of telling her young son that he wouldn't bee seeing his grandfather any more. She sat him on her knee and started to explain but it was clear from his face that he wasn't taking it in. So she started again, in a way she hoped he would understand.

"Do remember when we found that little baby bird on the path, the other day?"

Suddenly, a look of surprise came across his face. He turned to his mother and, in a shocked tone, said

"Grandad fell out of a tree?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 06:42 PM

Boris Johnson phoned the new man at the White House yesterday : he was just Biden his time .....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 07:24 PM

Has anyone got any actual jokes? (Apart from you - sorry, Doug!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 06:28 AM

A man is chatting over the garden fence with his neighbour and asks him about his recent holiday.

"It was fantastic. Really good hotel, right on the beach; sangria; sunshine; what more could you want? And it wasn't too expensive".

"That sounds good", replies the man, "how much was it?"

The neighbour, who's getting on in years, puts his hand to his forhead and says "It was .... erm .... what's that coin?"

"A Euro?"

"No, English".

"A Pound?"

"No, less than that".

"A penny?"

"Yeah, that's it". He opens the back door of his house and shouts inside, "Here, Penny, how much did we pay for that hotel?"



DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 06:38 AM

At last, a joke good enough to tell Mrs Steve!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 07:43 AM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 07:57 AM

How does Mr Waterweed greet his missus?

Elodea.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 04:06 PM

I'm trying to fathom if Georgiansilver has shed any light on the saying "see Naples and die"?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Jan 21 - 06:04 AM

A woman has made herself a meal including baked beans. She is enjoying so much that she has a second helping of beans. That evening, in the pub, the beans start to take effect. The music in the pub is very loud and a song that she recognises, a hard rock pfiece with some very loud passages, is being played. She reckons that if she times it right, she can get away with relieving the pressure without anyone noticing. As they reach the guitar solo, she takes her chance:

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

She looks around to see if she has got away with it, to find that people are staring at her. Just then, her boyfriend comes back from a trip to the toilet and speaks to her.

"WHAT?" she says, "I can't here you over the loud music".

"I said ' TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT! ' ".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 21 - 03:13 PM

I'd like a red hot spicy Chicken burger and an intense Strawberry shake and a very berry pastry.
Do you want fries with that?
What kind?
Golden brown.
WHADDU I look like, a baby eating BLM democrat?
No sir, I think somethings eating you.


Today Nancy Pelosi was found guilty of reason and was sentenced to breathe.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 21 - 07:05 AM

A farmer goes out one morning to find all his cows frozen solid in the field. Just then a woman passes by, and seeing the farmer's predicament she waves her arms over the cattle. Miraculously, after a minute or two all the cows start to walk around perfectly normally.

"Wow," he said, "that was amazing! Are you a magician?"

"Nah," she said, "I'm Thora Herd..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Feb 21 - 02:56 PM

...and then...

Little birdie flying high
Dropped a message out of the sky
"Ooh" said the farmer, wiping his eye
It's a jolly good thing my cows don't fly.

(I was thinking, hopefully, in a few months, comedians will be back on stage making fun of folks hanging musical instruments on the wall & moving pot-plants, or hitting the wrong filter option, just before joining a zoom call, etc.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 12:59 PM

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song on golfing lingo - "Lingolf"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 02:27 PM

When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals, just a bit late.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 03:49 PM

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 05:10 PM

I'd had a bit too much sherry around Christmas and, after a bath, forgot the plumber had said he was working on the flat below...hope pulling the plug didn't "wet him all over".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Feb 21 - 07:09 AM

Poor Senator Ted Cruz has gained the reputation of everyone taking an instant dislike to him. I asked many people why and most of them said "Its a real time saver".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:04 PM

No kidology from me, this time, I was watching cyclists tour the UAE on TV and, when they passed a zoo, one commentator mentioned the other would be frightened to go in - in case they kept him in!

More seriously, conservation should be done "In Situ".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:33 PM

Anybody got an actual joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:44 PM

I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity, it's fascinating, I can't put it down.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:50 PM

Nah - the only thing holding up that book is the hot air of its advocates!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 01:49 PM

I've got a copy of the autobiography of Margaret Thatcher. It's one of those books that once you put it down you can't pick it up again...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 02:01 PM

Come on Steve, don't complain about other people's unfunny jokes if that's the best you can do.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM

According to Memory Bank Inc.(since 2007) most folks are overdrawn. Remember last year when the jokes were mostly about defication, religion, sex and death? Jokes are no laughing matter! Even Georgian Silver repeated his jokebook joke word for word from last year.
Perhaps this year Steve will produce a joke vaccine so we won't die laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM

Are you a Tory, Doug? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 04:45 PM

Steve has 506 mudcat posts in February so far'
I have 56.   No joke but it is kinda funny wierd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 04:58 PM

Nowt wrong with that but I was thinking, re Thatcher's book, that Steve probably doesn't have an open fire in the house..?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 05:06 PM

I do have an open fire as it happens, WAV! You're only supposed to burn smokeless fuel or kiln-dried logs, not RUBBISH! ;-)

You didn't post anything for two weeks so don't come it, Donuel. I was convinced you'd been banned.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 07:05 PM

I was suffering and recovering from a hot chili accident. I shoulda known I was in trouble when they demanded I sign a waiver before I tried the Atomic Chili Challenge.
Meanwhile in the news: Half a million die in US, details at 11.
As for white supremacists and Nazis, they're not so wicked. They just want to mess with us a little, have a few laughs, you know shake us up. They won't be too hard on Democracy, just drown our cage a bit, rattle our chains, bust our balls, you know have a few kicks. Burn and Shoot is a B&S they understand giving lynching a comeback, destroying somthing symbolic and forming a new Confederate nation. Small shit like that.
Q may not have been right about all Democrats being pedophiles but they seem to have been spot on about Woody Allen. What Confederates want is slavery and reparations to pay owners back for all the $ they lost when slaves were virtually freed. In todays money a slave cost as much as a base Mercedes. (NO Economic freedom and lots of black voter obstruction still abound) The new Republicans can still be the S Law ghter and Oder party and remain the deficit spender masters of the Universe whether Trump is alive or dead or both. No one has done more to women, Democracy and the culture of the easy lie than Rush Limbaugh. The real right wing heroic legacy will belong to Rush and his 40 year career in preparation for the former fake reality TV star and Fuhrer of the 20% who will believe anything all the time.


...so thats some satire off the cuff, how bout a new joke Steve?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 07:35 PM

And how about you desist from posting shite in a joke thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: michaelr
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:29 AM

A little girl is on her knees in her back yard, digging a large hole.

The neighbour leans over the fence and says, "What are you doing , Nancy?"

Nancy replies, "I'm burying my goldfish."

The neighbour says, "Gosh, I'm sorry. But why such a large hole for a little goldfish?"

Nancy replies, "Because it's inside your fucking cat!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 03:57 AM

Ha ha! That's definitely the joke of the year so far!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 06:53 AM

A fading celebrity had decided to move into an upmarket retirement home. Unfortunately, his idea of his celebrity status somewhat outstripped the memory of general public and he was surprised to find that there was no welcoming committee to greet him when he arrived. Just then, one of the residents walked by.

"You there!" he said, haughtily, "Why is there nobody to meet me?"

"Why? Should there be?" asked the resident.

"Do you know who I am? he demanded.

"Can't help there, old chap" came the reply "but if you ask Matron, she'll tell you who you are."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 08:22 AM

I have an irrational fear of German sausages .........


I always fear the wurst.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 09:08 AM

A German bloke had a case full of sausages and several bottles of 100-proof spirit, which he was trying to smuggle out of the country on a flight.

Unfortunately, his case caught fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was a wurst-case scenario.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 09:21 AM

Bloke went to the doc because he was worried that he was going even more deaf than before in one ear. The doc shone a light down his ear and said, "What's this? You appear to have a suppository stuck in your ear!”
"Bugger," said the bloke. "That explains where my hearing aid went..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:05 PM

And you're not one to mince your words, either, Raggytash; nor does Steve mind waxing lyrical!

(Bad puns happily added to bad jokes here.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:36 PM

We will excuse the occasional groan-inducing allusion, WAV - for now!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Cool Beans
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 02:58 PM

Whew! I made it just in time. I had to take two flights to get here. Next time I'll take the elevator.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 03:19 PM

There is nothing like a good joke, CoolBeans and, to quote that friend of Mary Poppins who, rather, reached the heights through laughter, "that was nothing like a good joke".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 08:32 PM

Two friends in the pub were sitting watching a dog licking its bollocks in front of the fire.

First friend: "I wish I could do that!"

Second friend: "Ask it nicely and it might let you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Feb 21 - 06:13 PM

So also: A boy and a girl are sitting on a fence, watching a bull and a cow. He (wistfully): "Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that". She (shrugs): "It's your cow".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 25 Feb 21 - 06:40 PM

...but 60 minutes later, while she was on the hoof, he was still sitting on the fence about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 07:39 AM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 10:32 AM

"Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP."


Bwahahahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 10:48 AM

Me thinks Georgiansilver may be a ghost of The Two Ronnies...is it "four candles" or "fork handles"..?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Mar 21 - 07:31 AM

What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 21 - 07:10 AM

Roger Penrose and Bill Gates plan to pass on the sum of their knowledge and interactive intelligence onto a super computer. Joe Biden plans a book and Boris Johnson will have a phone app version for posterity.Trump said he will never die.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

In this time of pandemic no one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drove by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” on his CD player
The family was offended, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 21 - 10:04 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dejav

Dejav who?

Knock knock

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 21 - 01:18 PM

I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach. I was either laughing or crying all the way round.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...



I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I'll tell you what: never again...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Mar 21 - 02:07 PM

Steve Shaw.... Ha Ha.to the dejav who.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM

I used to work for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 06:48 AM

For years the Idaho potato farmers quietly dug transgender potatos for Americans to eat but 5th Ave has essentially outed the transgender potato and is radicalizing the Idaho Potato farmer. Potato Futures are in disarray. Brexit has depressed potato exports and Ireland and China are the clear winners in this transgender Potato war of our own making.
There is a call to arms, legs and lips among Potatohead Patriots.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 09:08 AM

Sheesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 04:10 AM

Here's a joke** from a radio panel game. Lucie Porter, for those wot know.

I went to the Deja Vu cafe yesterday and the guy said "haven't you been here before?".

** make that an allusion for the self-appointed SS obersturmbannführer of wittisisms. Betya he doesn't recognise himself (the first time).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 04:22 AM

You're a disgrace.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 05:53 AM

From wiki.

Obersturmbannführer...was a paramilitary German Nazi Party (NSDAP) rank used by both the SA and the SS. It was created in May 1933 to fill the need for an additional rank above Sturmbannführer as the SA expanded...
...Adolf Eichmann was promoted to Obersturmbannführer in 1940...

How lovely to be called a Nazi in a joke thread. Thanks for that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 05:53 PM

Re 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM post, A few day's later, one of Steve's ex-workmates was asked why he cancelled a booking at a restaurant near the company premises - "because the saur us."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

Gettin' there, WAV, gettin' there! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 05:51 AM

Two boys were sitting in church waiting for confession. One goes into the confessional:

'Father, it has been four months since my last confession...I was with a girl last week...and well, we started kissing and stuff and, well, we went a bit too far..."

"And what was this girl's name, my son?"

"I didn't even ask her, Father!"

"Well I've heard about some of the loose girls round here...Was it Mary?"

"I don't know, Father..."

Was it Alice?"

"Doesn't ring a bell, Father..."

"Donna?"

"Don't think so, Father..."

Anyway, the lad was sentenced to three Hail Marys and went back to his mate waiting in the pew.

His mate asked, "Good confession, was it?"

"Yeah, brilliant - and I got three names..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 06:13 AM

Going back to "See Naples and die", I was told that Die was an island in the bay of Naples. Anyone know if this is true?

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 06:34 AM

I haven't heard that. The phrase is familiar in Italian, and there's no doubt that, in the Italian rendition, "die" means "snuff it!"

"See Naples and get robbed if you're not careful" would be better advice! It is an amazing place, full of both good and bad. You can get damn good pizza there, the archaeological museum is stunning and you can see San Gennaro's bones sticking out of a big urn in the duomo. He's the patron saint of Napoli, but unfortunately he lost his head in the Solfatara volcano (which you can just walk right into) at Pozzuoli, the childhood home town of Sophia Loren.

I wouldn't say make the area the last place you see before you die, but go before you die. It's fantastic, and you've got The Amalfi Coast just round the corner. Pompei, Herculaneum, Sorrento, Vesuvius...YES!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:04 AM

A young man goes into the confessional.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two months since my last confession. Last week I went to a dance"

"Oh, did you now" says the priest

"...and I met a girl there"

"Oh, DID you now" says the priest

"...and I took her outside"

"OH, DID YOU NOW"

"...and we were making love, standing up in the bus shelter"

"That's a TERRIBLE thing to do to a young girl" continues the priest

"....when a bus arrived and, in the headlights, all the people on the bus could see who she was"

"And what was the name of this poor, innocent child that you so wantonly brought disgrace upon?" demanded the priest.

"It was the vicar's daughter, Father"

"Ah well," sighed the priest, "boys will be boys".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 08:51 AM

What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 10:07 AM

Worst of thymes? Was his basil faulty too?

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:00 AM

Pwaaaaghaaaagh Steve!!!!! Very good!!
And I expect when somebody knocked at his door he called, "Cumin!"
(I'll get me coat too)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:04 AM

At least the knock wasn't the Bay Leaf, Sen

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:39 AM

Hee hee Jon! No, it was Rosemary actually.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 12:04 PM

In that case, I'll tread gingerly from now on...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 12:19 PM

Tonight on the telly I'll be watching Corrie and der Meghan interview....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 02:27 PM

A few 'mint' comments lately.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

Very sage, very sage...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jos
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 03:37 PM

So many herbs and spices. I think I should go into the garden this summer and piccalilli.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:09 PM

Me too, but it's far too chilli at the moment. I think I'll just nip out and put the car away...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 21 - 10:37 AM

Wait for it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Mar 21 - 05:55 PM

Sparsely sage, those wary in time!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

I went to a meeting of the 'Premature Ejaculators Support Group' today but arrived too soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 21 - 09:09 PM

Whats more exciting than making love with a very old man for a very long time?
Making love to an 18 year old for 30 seconds.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 08:04 AM

A few years ago I was sat in a waiting room full of people at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-Ray on my shoulder. Just then, a doctor, who was also a long-time drinking buddy, passed through and called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh, hi, Steve, I didn't know that the impotence clinic was on today!"

B*@st@rd...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 09:35 AM

I was at a winery for a sunset concert and saw someone carrying a banjo, and quipped Oh, I didn't realize there would be a bonfire!

He laughed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 01:41 PM

I desperately wanted to be rid of my banjo, so I left it overnight in full view on my car seat and left the doors unlocked and all the windows down.

When I came down next morning my car seat had two banjos on it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Reinhard
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

If you'd left the doors unlocked I'd rather think that the next morning the car is gone but they left the banjo behind...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 07:54 PM

It was a trabbie with two wheels missing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: MudGuard
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 03:17 AM

a trabbie? But you wrote "car" ... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:04 AM

It were a car to us!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:07 AM

A tiny belly-laugh from Ian Skelly on Radio 3 this morning, as he was eulogising about the signs of spring, "...The blackthorn's out...the daffodils are out, the bulbs are pushing through, Monty Don's back on the box..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: G-Force
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 07:38 AM

The French like puns just as much as we anglophones do.

I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. And a sandwich bar called '100wichs'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:20 AM

Scotsman goes into a bakery. He points to a confection in the window and asks, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

Sez the baker, "No, you're right, it's a cake..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 09:20 AM

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was checking his balance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:25 PM

Surgeons are surprised men are requesting elective transplants on their wrist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:34 PM

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/04/11/lab-grown-vaginas-successfully-implanted-in-girls-in-tissue-engineering-first/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:05 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 06:47 PM

For crying out Donuel, how many times do you need to be told you "humour" is not humourous.

A vicar goes to a dog rescue centre and tells the owner that he would like a new dog and if he can get a rescue dog that would be great and if it had some sort of religious connotation that would be even better But I don't want a St Bernard.

The owner says I got just the dog for you, but it's not out here, I've got it in the house.

So the vicar follows him into his house where he is shown a very young and very bonny King Charles Spaniel.

Well he says thats a very pretty dog, very pretty indeed but what is the religious connotation? Ah say the man watch this.

He calls out "Bible!" and the dog runs into his library and comes running back with the bible.

That's marvellous say the vicar he can play fetch but it's not that surprising.

No, no says the owner. Watch this. "Genesis!" the dog flicks the page open to Genesis. "Leviticus!" say the owner the dog flicks the page to Leviticus. "Kings!" shouts the owner, the dog dutifully opens the correct page.

That's astonishing say the Vicar how much do you want for him. One hundred pounds say the owner. I'll take him says the vicar.

So the vicar arrives home back to the presbytery and calls to his wife "I've got us a beauty little dog and it really is quite special"

His wife comes down and is smitten by the little King Charles Spaniel but asks her husband I know it's a bonny little dog but whats the religious connotation.

Watch this he says. "Bible!" the dog runs into his study and returns with the Bible. Clever says his wife it can plat fetch but that's not so unusual. No, no says the vicar watch this. "Psalms!" the dog flicks the pages to Psalms "Exodus!" the god flicks the pages to the correct one.

That's amazing says his wife, amazing. Can it do any normal doggy tricks.

Don' know say the vicar I'll try it now "heel!" he shouts, he dog jumps up and put both it's paws on his head !!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 07:30 AM

And shouts "Ommmmmmm"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 11:51 AM

Solution to a puzzle, attributed to Jack Parr:

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

I agree!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 12:16 PM

I think we desperately need a British joke thread and a separate American "joke" thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 11:58 AM

"Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 02:27 PM

Humor segregation is for bigots, be honest, wouldn't you prefer to punish or torture Americans? Or you could do both.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:16 PM

Have you got a joke for this joke thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:45 PM

"Mummy! Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down!"

"Well...how kind of Daddy! You should learn from him!"

"But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap! "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Apr 21 - 06:53 AM

A golfer is about to take a shot when another golfer calls across from a neighbouring green: "That's the ladies' tee that you're on!"

He smiles politely and addresses the ball for a second time.

"I say," comes the voice again "you need to move back. That's the ladies' tee!"

He shuffle uncomfortably and continues with his stroke. In the middle of his back swing he hears:
      "It's not done, old chap. Really not done at all!"

He stops, looks up and, through gritted teeth, calls back:
      "Will you PLEASE be quiet and let me get on with my second shot!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 07:02 AM

I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 10:24 AM

A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails. When the police asked if he could give a description, he said: "No, they were too quick for me!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Sep 21 - 01:48 PM

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 21 - 02:10 PM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:01 AM

Knock, Knock
WHo's there?
mayonnaise
mayonnaise who?
?? mayonnaise have seen the coming of the Lord ?? ............

Not my joke, or even on from May Anne Hayes - but a Stephen Fry gem

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 02:56 PM

There O sat watching a film on TV. I shouted 'Noooo don't do it!! it's a trap' My ex shouted from the kitchen 'What are you watching'? I replied 'Oh it's only our wedding video'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:39 PM

Bejaysus, Mr Red, Mrs Steve never laughs at my jokes. At best I get an eye-rolling (is it my timing, I ask meself?). But the mayonnaise one extracted a very rare titter from her. Mind you, I did have to sing it rather lustily...

Cheers, pal. A keeper is that one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:51 PM

Ok then.

Knock knock

Who's there?

M.A.B. It's a big horse.

M.A.B. It's a big horse who?

M.A.B. It's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Sep 21 - 11:38 AM

From the Daily Mail (sorry):-

How do you invite a dinosaur to come round yours for a light meal?
" Tea, Rex?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Sep 21 - 06:24 AM

I came across this one a few days ago, as Sir Douglas Bader died on September 5th 1982.

Sir Douglas was giving a talk about his experiences in the War to an assembly of girls in a very posh private school:-
"There were two fuckers to my left, two fuckers to my right and even more fuckers behind me."
The headmistress went very pale, stood up and announced to the girls, "A Fokker was a German aircraft, girls."
Bader replied, "True Ma'am, but these fuckers were Messerschmitts!"

(It's apocryphal of course)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:05 PM

Tommy Cooper.

My wife rang me the other night.

She said, I think the car has water in the carburettor.

I said, why? Where's the car?

She said, in the river...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:08 PM

Another Tommy Cooper.

I went to the ticket booth and said, I want a return ticket, please.

He said, where to, sir?

I said, here...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:10 PM

Just one more of his.

The phone rang and I picked it up,

I said, who's speaking, please?

The voice said, you are...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Sep 21 - 05:38 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello every day, but his cello had only one string, and he used it to play the same note again and again. At last his wife made bold to ask, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other cellists have four strings, and they move their fingers around and play a lot of notes?" "Sure," he replied, "They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:29 PM

Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!"

Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!"

Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!"

Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:30 PM

Two Alabama boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck . The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:31 PM

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 07:21 AM

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 04:17 PM

A whole bus load of nuns tragically died in a road crash. They all queued up at the pearly gates.

"Welcome, ladies," said St Peter. "Now I have to ask each of you a simple question, then I can let you in. Sister Mary, you're first. Now, sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well..there was this one time when I touched one with my pinky finger..."

"Hmm. Well, wash your pinky in that holy water there and you can come in."

"Now, Sister Christine. Same question: have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well...there was this one time when I held one in this hand for just a minute..."

"Hmmm. Well wash that hand in the holy water and you can come in..."

Just then there was a kerfuffle in the queue as Sister Helen tried to barge in front of Sister Judy.

"Now, now, there's no rush, Sister Helen. What do you think you're doing?" said St Peter.

Said Sister Helen, "If I've got to gargle with that holy water I'm bloody well going to do it before Sister Judy dips her arse in it..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Sep 21 - 08:50 PM

Rude, crude, lewed and approved.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Sep 21 - 10:34 AM

...so, there was this well-to-do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 07:07 AM

I was just reading a piece in the Guardian about the poet John Cooper Clarke. Someone in the Comments column after the article posted this haiku of his. I nearly busted my corset laughing:

TO-CON-VEY ONE'S MOOD
IN SEV-EN-TEEN SYLL-ABLE-S
IS VE-RY DIF-FIC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 07:23 AM

Why are the sperm banks running short??

Because all the wankers are at petrol stations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: G-Force
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 10:15 AM

Don't know if this is for the Joke thread or the UK politics thread, but apparently the name of the BBC reporter talking about the petrol crisis was Phil McCann.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Sep 21 - 08:25 AM

To make your waterbed more bouncy, fill it with spring water.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 21 - 05:56 PM

Stole this one from the comments after a Guardian piece on people's obsession with their phones:


Woman, phone in hand: "What's the WiFi code?"

Vicar: "How can you think of such a thing in the house of God at your own mother's funeral?"

Woman: "Is that all lower case?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 21 - 07:20 PM

I resurrected this thread to tell a joke. This thread is for jokes. Please take your non-joke, unfunny, bitter obsessions elsewhere. You have plenty of options.

Talk about shifting the blame. I've just read this from a purportedly genuine insurance claim: "I drove my car out of the drive straight into a bus. The bus was five minutes early..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Nov 21 - 05:21 AM

BBC reporter talking about the petrol crisis was Phil McCann.

BBC Midlands reporter was Lyndsey Doyle
& the ITV reporter (seen as theatre reporter on CNN I think) and a good job she wasn't on Crime Watch - was Nina Nannar

You have to say these out loud - sometimes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Nov 21 - 05:43 AM

I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. It loses a little in the translation, IME anyway.

But I did come across a "Beauti-chien" in Thornbury (nr Bristol)

Shampoodles

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 06:06 AM

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. He should have had a second coat!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 06:06 AM

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. He should have had a second coat!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 06:17 AM

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 03:32 AM

I once met a guy in NZ (we were buying his traffic lights - as you do)

Wayne Kerr

I still have his visiting card.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 06:25 PM

What's the square root of 69?
Oh, 8-something.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 06:46 PM

A drunk goes into a Catholic Church and heads straight into the confessional box.

After several minutes of silence, the priest, puzzled, having heard nothing from the chap, knocks on the wall to get his attention.

Came the reply, "It's no use knocking, mate. There's no paper in this cubicle either..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Nov 21 - 09:45 AM

Joe, that reminds me of 2 old chestnuts...

What is a 68?
You do me... I'll owe you one.

What is the right speed for eating out?
Lickety-split!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Nov 21 - 09:48 AM

A youngish couples car had broken down and they were parked by the road with the bonnet (hood) up. A Rolls Royce pulled up and a rather well spoken man stuck his head out of the back window saying 'Is there anything I can do to help'? The guy asked him 'Well, are you a mechanic'? to which the gentleman replied 'No, actually I am a Chiropodist' The guy said 'Well can you give us a tow'?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Nov 21 - 10:21 AM

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.


A vulture goes through security at the airport dragging a dead, half-eaten squirrel behind it.
TSA agent: What ya got there?
Vulture: Oh, that's just my carrion.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 10:42 AM

Why does Santa come down the chimney?
Because it soots him to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 02:09 PM

Health and Safety over Christmas period.

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh or going over the fields and laughing all the way, are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs, including whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.?Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.?While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.?Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.?While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Money Laundering Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.?Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.?Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.?Cheers ?Admin Risk Management Team

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 07:19 PM

Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

Because he couldn't find a date

Bring me some figgy pudding
Whats the knife For?
Its for some figgy pudding now bring me some right now
See here my good man...
I'm not leaving until I get some
Well here then here's a silver coin, now go buy yourself some
Thank you Merry Christmas

2021 is getting edgy for Christs sake

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 08:18 PM

Reminder: this is a JOKE thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Dec 21 - 08:56 AM

So stop posting nonjoke commentary?

A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages. (I love the way the Internet phrases things sometimes.)

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he is about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens pointed out with a note of finality, "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who established the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"True enough, ..." replied the Son of Erin.

"But it was the Irish that got the women involved!"

"This joke is historically INACCURATE!", groaned Reddit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 21 - 09:59 AM

"So stop posting nonjoke commentary?"

Oh, the irony...

I did like the joke though...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: David C. Carter
Date: 18 Dec 21 - 10:45 AM

Bosnia,Sunday morning.
A guy is back of the house playing a gut string guitar.
He's reheasing for the wedding that he's playing at that afternoon.
Suddenly he breaks a string,but hasn't got a spare one.It's Sunday,nothing open.Then he remembers that the market is open and there is a butchers there.He runs down to the butchers,goes in and says to the guy there:
"Have you got any cow gut out back there for my guitar?".
The butcher goes to the back of the shop,has a look around then comes back out front,ans says to guy;
"I ain't got any cow gut,but I've got a couple of cows vaginas if you wanna play the mouth organ".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 03:45 PM

Vegans may argue but never have a beef.
With Omicron cases on the rise, Dublin has really earned its name.
The FBI arrived at school "We had a report of a kidnapping!?
Its OK he woke up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 04:50 PM

You are a troll who deserves to be banned from this forum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 04:56 PM

Some say the Earth gets a haircut when the moon Eclipse.
Miami has Seagulls but the Chesapeake Bay has Bagels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 07:03 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Déjàv

Déjàv who?

Knock knock

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 07:48 AM

It's Christmas Day and the family is sat around the dining table for their festive meal. Dad asks his teenage son if he would lead the family in giving thanks for the food on the table. He bows his head and says "Thank you, Lord, for our Christmas dinner: for the turkey; for the potatoes; for the stuffing and the gravy; and ..."

After a few moments hesitation, he looks up at his parents and says "If I say thank you for the Brussels sprouts, He'll know I'm lying".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 08:53 AM

Here's a nice, smutty kiddie one:

Knock knock

Who's there?

I done up

I done up who?

Yuk, you could have waited!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:27 AM

Warning: Some jokes may be lethal.

Boris Johnson has a dog with no nose, How does it smell?
Awful.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:42 AM

Seeing the number I didn't take the call when my little daughter said "listen daddy, everytime a phone rings, a trol gets a sting.
Yes thats right honey
thank you Clarence.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:54 AM

Wake the neighbors and phone the kids, Its time to play
CELEBRITY STRAIGHT FACE OFF !
Who can keep the straightest face no matter what they have to say?
Back by popular demand our contestants tonight are ;
Tucker Carlson - Jim Jordan and Mitch McConnell
yaaaay
Audience, please activate your remote...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:58 AM

You know Boebert and Gomert and Steve King and Marge Greene
Hitler and Himmler old nazis and Blitzkrieg
But do you recall
The most famous Nazi of all?

Donald the Red-Nosed Nazi
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
All of the other Nazis
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Donald
Join in any Nazi games
Then one foggy 'lection night
Jesus came to say
"Donald, with your nose so bright
Won't you sleigh Hillary tonight?"
Then how the nazis loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Donald the Red-Nosed Nazi
You'll go down in history"