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BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Steve Shaw 08 Mar 21 - 07:09 PM
Mrrzy 15 Mar 21 - 10:37 AM
Joe_F 16 Mar 21 - 05:55 PM
Georgiansilver 18 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM
Donuel 19 Mar 21 - 09:09 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 21 - 08:04 AM
Mrrzy 20 Mar 21 - 09:35 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Mar 21 - 01:41 PM
Reinhard 21 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 21 - 07:54 PM
MudGuard 22 Mar 21 - 03:17 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 21 - 06:04 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 21 - 06:07 AM
G-Force 22 Mar 21 - 07:38 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Mar 21 - 05:20 AM
Georgiansilver 23 Mar 21 - 09:20 AM
Donuel 23 Mar 21 - 03:25 PM
Donuel 23 Mar 21 - 03:34 PM
Steve Shaw 23 Mar 21 - 05:05 PM
Raggytash 23 Mar 21 - 06:47 PM
Raggytash 24 Mar 21 - 07:30 AM
Mrrzy 24 Mar 21 - 11:51 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Mar 21 - 12:16 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Apr 21 - 11:58 AM
Donuel 07 Apr 21 - 02:27 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Apr 21 - 05:16 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Apr 21 - 05:45 PM
Doug Chadwick 08 Apr 21 - 06:53 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Apr 21 - 07:02 AM
Doug Chadwick 09 Apr 21 - 10:24 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:09 PM

Me too, but it's far too chilli at the moment. I think I'll just nip out and put the car away...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 21 - 10:37 AM

Wait for it


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Mar 21 - 05:55 PM

Sparsely sage, those wary in time!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

I went to a meeting of the 'Premature Ejaculators Support Group' today but arrived too soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 21 - 09:09 PM

Whats more exciting than making love with a very old man for a very long time?
Making love to an 18 year old for 30 seconds.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 08:04 AM

A few years ago I was sat in a waiting room full of people at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-Ray on my shoulder. Just then, a doctor, who was also a long-time drinking buddy, passed through and called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh, hi, Steve, I didn't know that the impotence clinic was on today!"

B*@st@rd...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 09:35 AM

I was at a winery for a sunset concert and saw someone carrying a banjo, and quipped Oh, I didn't realize there would be a bonfire!

He laughed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 01:41 PM

I desperately wanted to be rid of my banjo, so I left it overnight in full view on my car seat and left the doors unlocked and all the windows down.

When I came down next morning my car seat had two banjos on it...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Reinhard
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

If you'd left the doors unlocked I'd rather think that the next morning the car is gone but they left the banjo behind...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 07:54 PM

It was a trabbie with two wheels missing.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: MudGuard
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 03:17 AM

a trabbie? But you wrote "car" ... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:04 AM

It were a car to us!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:07 AM

A tiny belly-laugh from Ian Skelly on Radio 3 this morning, as he was eulogising about the signs of spring, "...The blackthorn's out...the daffodils are out, the bulbs are pushing through, Monty Don's back on the box..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: G-Force
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 07:38 AM

The French like puns just as much as we anglophones do.

I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. And a sandwich bar called '100wichs'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:20 AM

Scotsman goes into a bakery. He points to a confection in the window and asks, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

Sez the baker, "No, you're right, it's a cake..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 09:20 AM

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was checking his balance.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:25 PM

Surgeons are surprised men are requesting elective transplants on their wrist.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:34 PM

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/04/11/lab-grown-vaginas-successfully-implanted-in-girls-in-tissue-engineering-first/


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:05 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 06:47 PM

For crying out Donuel, how many times do you need to be told you "humour" is not humourous.

A vicar goes to a dog rescue centre and tells the owner that he would like a new dog and if he can get a rescue dog that would be great and if it had some sort of religious connotation that would be even better But I don't want a St Bernard.

The owner says I got just the dog for you, but it's not out here, I've got it in the house.

So the vicar follows him into his house where he is shown a very young and very bonny King Charles Spaniel.

Well he says thats a very pretty dog, very pretty indeed but what is the religious connotation? Ah say the man watch this.

He calls out "Bible!" and the dog runs into his library and comes running back with the bible.

That's marvellous say the vicar he can play fetch but it's not that surprising.

No, no says the owner. Watch this. "Genesis!" the dog flicks the page open to Genesis. "Leviticus!" say the owner the dog flicks the page to Leviticus. "Kings!" shouts the owner, the dog dutifully opens the correct page.

That's astonishing say the Vicar how much do you want for him. One hundred pounds say the owner. I'll take him says the vicar.

So the vicar arrives home back to the presbytery and calls to his wife "I've got us a beauty little dog and it really is quite special"

His wife comes down and is smitten by the little King Charles Spaniel but asks her husband I know it's a bonny little dog but whats the religious connotation.

Watch this he says. "Bible!" the dog runs into his study and returns with the Bible. Clever says his wife it can plat fetch but that's not so unusual. No, no says the vicar watch this. "Psalms!" the dog flicks the pages to Psalms "Exodus!" the god flicks the pages to the correct one.

That's amazing says his wife, amazing. Can it do any normal doggy tricks.

Don' know say the vicar I'll try it now "heel!" he shouts, he dog jumps up and put both it's paws on his head !!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 07:30 AM

And shouts "Ommmmmmm"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 11:51 AM

Solution to a puzzle, attributed to Jack Parr:

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

I agree!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 12:16 PM

I think we desperately need a British joke thread and a separate American "joke" thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 11:58 AM

"Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 02:27 PM

Humor segregation is for bigots, be honest, wouldn't you prefer to punish or torture Americans? Or you could do both.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:16 PM

Have you got a joke for this joke thread?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:45 PM

"Mummy! Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down!"

"Well...how kind of Daddy! You should learn from him!"

"But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap! "


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Apr 21 - 06:53 AM

A golfer is about to take a shot when another golfer calls across from a neighbouring green: "That's the ladies' tee that you're on!"

He smiles politely and addresses the ball for a second time.

"I say," comes the voice again "you need to move back. That's the ladies' tee!"

He shuffle uncomfortably and continues with his stroke. In the middle of his back swing he hears:
      "It's not done, old chap. Really not done at all!"

He stops, looks up and, through gritted teeth, calls back:
      "Will you PLEASE be quiet and let me get on with my second shot!"


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 07:02 AM

I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 10:24 AM

A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails. When the police asked if he could give a description, he said: "No, they were too quick for me!"


DC


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Mudcat time: 1 August 12:08 AM EDT

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