BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 07:16 AM

With "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" on the tele last night, I thought of this query but, when I just searched, only found joke threads for 2018 to 2020.

So, if I may, why does Harrison Ford often spill his drink in movies? Spilberg?!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 07:40 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:29 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Because the chicken coming towards him would have been too close for social distancing!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:56 AM

...definitely not a headless chicken, then, DC!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 11:44 AM

Abraham bound his son Isaac on an altar at Moriah long ago, as he had been instructed by God. An angel suddenly stopped Abraham when he was about to slay his son and switched Isaac with a ram! WHAM
Donald bound his son Donald on an alter in Maralago, as he had been instructed by Satan. A demon suddenly stopped Donald when he was about to slay his son and switched old Donald with Donald! WHAM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 11:53 AM

or switched Donald with old Donald, I don't know which is worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 03:09 PM

Donuel, I know that this has been posted before but your "humour" is only "humourous" to yourself.

You are not funny to the rest of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 04:03 PM

I've been biting my lip here, but I couldn't agree more, Raggytash. If yanks find his stuff funny, well I can say is that it explains everything that's wrong with America. Seven posts, eight now, and not a laugh in sight apart from Georgiansilver's ancient one. I mean, for God's sake. I hardly have the energy to conjure up a joke meself. "Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!" "Hmm, I thought you looked a little drawn..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 04:30 PM

Thanks for that vote of confidence, Steve. Well, it made me chuckle when I first heard it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 05:24 PM

I know. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Indicative of the times I suppose. I admit to a small grin when I read yours, but I think I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 08:25 PM

I said to the wife's sister in bed this morning, there's too much happiness in the world. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 08:59 PM

That'll do! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:13 PM

And you thought 2021 would be different.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:20 PM

People are saying "you poked the bear and will pay for it".
I suppose we all have a bear to cross.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 05:44 AM

My God, is the corset shop still open? I think I've just busted mine...

:-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 08:28 AM

Of corset is Steve Shaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:06 AM

*Groan* but hurray! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:13 AM

His humor often stays.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:18 AM

Thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 21 - 11:02 AM

I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes... you can hope but you can't hide

Stephen Colbert US talk show host not only sang a shanty, well a line of Billy o' Tea, but made a telling remark.

It was a picture of a truck being loaded at the White House and he quipped "I never thought I would find a picture of a moving truck............. moving"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 21 - 05:53 PM

Biden's dog has no nose...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Jan 21 - 06:50 AM

Just as well, after the last occupant of the WH.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 05:40 AM

Stormy Daniels claims to have had a brief affair with Donald Trump for which she was well-compensated, Trump says it isn't so.
I don't know who to believe, the fake blonde with the big boobs or the porn star.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 05:54 AM

A boy arrives at school wearing a Fitbit watch. The P.E. teacher is most impressed and asks him of he is keeping track of his steps. "No" he replies. "I'm wearing it for my Mum, so Dad won't think that she's been sitting down, watching TV all day".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 10:58 AM

"Keep running that play until you get it right" said Larry King, Married 8 times and once arrested for grand larceny

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 11:00 AM

Two Lions were walking down Deansgate in Manchester one Saturday afternoon.

One says to t'other it's quiet for a Saturday ain't it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 04:56 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVfGItTM7ss

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 08:13 AM

An old man passed away and his daughter had the difficult job of telling her young son that he wouldn't bee seeing his grandfather any more. She sat him on her knee and started to explain but it was clear from his face that he wasn't taking it in. So she started again, in a way she hoped he would understand.

"Do remember when we found that little baby bird on the path, the other day?"

Suddenly, a look of surprise came across his face. He turned to his mother and, in a shocked tone, said

"Grandad fell out of a tree?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 06:42 PM

Boris Johnson phoned the new man at the White House yesterday : he was just Biden his time .....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 07:24 PM

Has anyone got any actual jokes? (Apart from you - sorry, Doug!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 06:28 AM

A man is chatting over the garden fence with his neighbour and asks him about his recent holiday.

"It was fantastic. Really good hotel, right on the beach; sangria; sunshine; what more could you want? And it wasn't too expensive".

"That sounds good", replies the man, "how much was it?"

The neighbour, who's getting on in years, puts his hand to his forhead and says "It was .... erm .... what's that coin?"

"A Euro?"

"No, English".

"A Pound?"

"No, less than that".

"A penny?"

"Yeah, that's it". He opens the back door of his house and shouts inside, "Here, Penny, how much did we pay for that hotel?"



DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 06:38 AM

At last, a joke good enough to tell Mrs Steve!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 07:43 AM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 07:57 AM

How does Mr Waterweed greet his missus?

Elodea.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 04:06 PM

I'm trying to fathom if Georgiansilver has shed any light on the saying "see Naples and die"?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Jan 21 - 06:04 AM

A woman has made herself a meal including baked beans. She is enjoying so much that she has a second helping of beans. That evening, in the pub, the beans start to take effect. The music in the pub is very loud and a song that she recognises, a hard rock pfiece with some very loud passages, is being played. She reckons that if she times it right, she can get away with relieving the pressure without anyone noticing. As they reach the guitar solo, she takes her chance:

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

She looks around to see if she has got away with it, to find that people are staring at her. Just then, her boyfriend comes back from a trip to the toilet and speaks to her.

"WHAT?" she says, "I can't here you over the loud music".

"I said ' TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT! ' ".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 21 - 03:13 PM

I'd like a red hot spicy Chicken burger and an intense Strawberry shake and a very berry pastry.
Do you want fries with that?
What kind?
Golden brown.
WHADDU I look like, a baby eating BLM democrat?
No sir, I think somethings eating you.


Today Nancy Pelosi was found guilty of reason and was sentenced to breathe.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 21 - 07:05 AM

A farmer goes out one morning to find all his cows frozen solid in the field. Just then a woman passes by, and seeing the farmer's predicament she waves her arms over the cattle. Miraculously, after a minute or two all the cows start to walk around perfectly normally.

"Wow," he said, "that was amazing! Are you a magician?"

"Nah," she said, "I'm Thora Herd..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Feb 21 - 02:56 PM

...and then...

Little birdie flying high
Dropped a message out of the sky
"Ooh" said the farmer, wiping his eye
It's a jolly good thing my cows don't fly.

(I was thinking, hopefully, in a few months, comedians will be back on stage making fun of folks hanging musical instruments on the wall & moving pot-plants, or hitting the wrong filter option, just before joining a zoom call, etc.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 12:59 PM

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song on golfing lingo - "Lingolf"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 02:27 PM

When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals, just a bit late.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 03:49 PM

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 05:10 PM

I'd had a bit too much sherry around Christmas and, after a bath, forgot the plumber had said he was working on the flat below...hope pulling the plug didn't "wet him all over".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Feb 21 - 07:09 AM

Poor Senator Ted Cruz has gained the reputation of everyone taking an instant dislike to him. I asked many people why and most of them said "Its a real time saver".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:04 PM

No kidology from me, this time, I was watching cyclists tour the UAE on TV and, when they passed a zoo, one commentator mentioned the other would be frightened to go in - in case they kept him in!

More seriously, conservation should be done "In Situ".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:33 PM

Anybody got an actual joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:44 PM

I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity, it's fascinating, I can't put it down.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:50 PM

Nah - the only thing holding up that book is the hot air of its advocates!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 01:49 PM

I've got a copy of the autobiography of Margaret Thatcher. It's one of those books that once you put it down you can't pick it up again...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 02:01 PM

Come on Steve, don't complain about other people's unfunny jokes if that's the best you can do.

DC