BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:58 AM

You know Boebert and Gomert and Steve King and Marge Greene
Hitler and Himmler old nazis and Blitzkrieg
But do you recall
The most famous Nazi of all?

Donald the Red-Nosed Nazi
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
All of the other Nazis
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Donald
Join in any Nazi games
Then one foggy 'lection night
Jesus came to say
"Donald, with your nose so bright
Won't you sleigh Hillary tonight?"
Then how the nazis loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Donald the Red-Nosed Nazi
You'll go down in history"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:54 AM

Wake the neighbors and phone the kids, Its time to play
CELEBRITY STRAIGHT FACE OFF !
Who can keep the straightest face no matter what they have to say?
Back by popular demand our contestants tonight are ;
Tucker Carlson - Jim Jordan and Mitch McConnell
yaaaay
Audience, please activate your remote...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:42 AM

Seeing the number I didn't take the call when my little daughter said "listen daddy, everytime a phone rings, a trol gets a sting.
Yes thats right honey
thank you Clarence.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 11:27 AM

Warning: Some jokes may be lethal.

Boris Johnson has a dog with no nose, How does it smell?
Awful.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 08:53 AM

Here's a nice, smutty kiddie one:

Knock knock

Who's there?

I done up

I done up who?

Yuk, you could have waited!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 07:48 AM

It's Christmas Day and the family is sat around the dining table for their festive meal. Dad asks his teenage son if he would lead the family in giving thanks for the food on the table. He bows his head and says "Thank you, Lord, for our Christmas dinner: for the turkey; for the potatoes; for the stuffing and the gravy; and ..."

After a few moments hesitation, he looks up at his parents and says "If I say thank you for the Brussels sprouts, He'll know I'm lying".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 07:03 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Déjàv

Déjàv who?

Knock knock

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 04:56 PM

Some say the Earth gets a haircut when the moon Eclipse.
Miami has Seagulls but the Chesapeake Bay has Bagels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 04:50 PM

You are a troll who deserves to be banned from this forum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 03:45 PM

Vegans may argue but never have a beef.
With Omicron cases on the rise, Dublin has really earned its name.
The FBI arrived at school "We had a report of a kidnapping!?
Its OK he woke up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: David C. Carter
Date: 18 Dec 21 - 10:45 AM

Bosnia,Sunday morning.
A guy is back of the house playing a gut string guitar.
He's reheasing for the wedding that he's playing at that afternoon.
Suddenly he breaks a string,but hasn't got a spare one.It's Sunday,nothing open.Then he remembers that the market is open and there is a butchers there.He runs down to the butchers,goes in and says to the guy there:
"Have you got any cow gut out back there for my guitar?".
The butcher goes to the back of the shop,has a look around then comes back out front,ans says to guy;
"I ain't got any cow gut,but I've got a couple of cows vaginas if you wanna play the mouth organ".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 21 - 09:59 AM

"So stop posting nonjoke commentary?"

Oh, the irony...

I did like the joke though...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Dec 21 - 08:56 AM

So stop posting nonjoke commentary?

A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages. (I love the way the Internet phrases things sometimes.)

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he is about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens pointed out with a note of finality, "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who established the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"True enough, ..." replied the Son of Erin.

"But it was the Irish that got the women involved!"

"This joke is historically INACCURATE!", groaned Reddit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 08:18 PM

Reminder: this is a JOKE thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 07:19 PM

Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

Because he couldn't find a date

Bring me some figgy pudding
Whats the knife For?
Its for some figgy pudding now bring me some right now
See here my good man...
I'm not leaving until I get some
Well here then here's a silver coin, now go buy yourself some
Thank you Merry Christmas

2021 is getting edgy for Christs sake

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 02:09 PM

Health and Safety over Christmas period.

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh or going over the fields and laughing all the way, are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs, including whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.?Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.?While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.?Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.?While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Money Laundering Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.?Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.?Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.?Cheers ?Admin Risk Management Team

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Dec 21 - 10:42 AM

Why does Santa come down the chimney?
Because it soots him to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Nov 21 - 10:21 AM

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.


A vulture goes through security at the airport dragging a dead, half-eaten squirrel behind it.
TSA agent: What ya got there?
Vulture: Oh, that's just my carrion.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Nov 21 - 09:48 AM

A youngish couples car had broken down and they were parked by the road with the bonnet (hood) up. A Rolls Royce pulled up and a rather well spoken man stuck his head out of the back window saying 'Is there anything I can do to help'? The guy asked him 'Well, are you a mechanic'? to which the gentleman replied 'No, actually I am a Chiropodist' The guy said 'Well can you give us a tow'?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Nov 21 - 09:45 AM

Joe, that reminds me of 2 old chestnuts...

What is a 68?
You do me... I'll owe you one.

What is the right speed for eating out?
Lickety-split!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 06:46 PM

A drunk goes into a Catholic Church and heads straight into the confessional box.

After several minutes of silence, the priest, puzzled, having heard nothing from the chap, knocks on the wall to get his attention.

Came the reply, "It's no use knocking, mate. There's no paper in this cubicle either..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 06:25 PM

What's the square root of 69?
Oh, 8-something.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 03:32 AM

I once met a guy in NZ (we were buying his traffic lights - as you do)

Wayne Kerr

I still have his visiting card.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 06:17 AM

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 06:06 AM

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. He should have had a second coat!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 06:06 AM

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. He should have had a second coat!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Nov 21 - 05:43 AM

I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. It loses a little in the translation, IME anyway.

But I did come across a "Beauti-chien" in Thornbury (nr Bristol)

Shampoodles

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Nov 21 - 05:21 AM

BBC reporter talking about the petrol crisis was Phil McCann.

BBC Midlands reporter was Lyndsey Doyle
& the ITV reporter (seen as theatre reporter on CNN I think) and a good job she wasn't on Crime Watch - was Nina Nannar

You have to say these out loud - sometimes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 21 - 07:20 PM

I resurrected this thread to tell a joke. This thread is for jokes. Please take your non-joke, unfunny, bitter obsessions elsewhere. You have plenty of options.

Talk about shifting the blame. I've just read this from a purportedly genuine insurance claim: "I drove my car out of the drive straight into a bus. The bus was five minutes early..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 21 - 05:56 PM

Stole this one from the comments after a Guardian piece on people's obsession with their phones:


Woman, phone in hand: "What's the WiFi code?"

Vicar: "How can you think of such a thing in the house of God at your own mother's funeral?"

Woman: "Is that all lower case?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Sep 21 - 08:25 AM

To make your waterbed more bouncy, fill it with spring water.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: G-Force
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 10:15 AM

Don't know if this is for the Joke thread or the UK politics thread, but apparently the name of the BBC reporter talking about the petrol crisis was Phil McCann.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 07:23 AM

Why are the sperm banks running short??

Because all the wankers are at petrol stations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 07:07 AM

I was just reading a piece in the Guardian about the poet John Cooper Clarke. Someone in the Comments column after the article posted this haiku of his. I nearly busted my corset laughing:

TO-CON-VEY ONE'S MOOD
IN SEV-EN-TEEN SYLL-ABLE-S
IS VE-RY DIF-FIC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Sep 21 - 10:34 AM

...so, there was this well-to-do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Sep 21 - 08:50 PM

Rude, crude, lewed and approved.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 04:17 PM

A whole bus load of nuns tragically died in a road crash. They all queued up at the pearly gates.

"Welcome, ladies," said St Peter. "Now I have to ask each of you a simple question, then I can let you in. Sister Mary, you're first. Now, sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well..there was this one time when I touched one with my pinky finger..."

"Hmm. Well, wash your pinky in that holy water there and you can come in."

"Now, Sister Christine. Same question: have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well...there was this one time when I held one in this hand for just a minute..."

"Hmmm. Well wash that hand in the holy water and you can come in..."

Just then there was a kerfuffle in the queue as Sister Helen tried to barge in front of Sister Judy.

"Now, now, there's no rush, Sister Helen. What do you think you're doing?" said St Peter.

Said Sister Helen, "If I've got to gargle with that holy water I'm bloody well going to do it before Sister Judy dips her arse in it..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 07:21 AM

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:31 PM

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:30 PM

Two Alabama boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck . The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:29 PM

Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!"

Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!"

Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!"

Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Sep 21 - 05:38 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello every day, but his cello had only one string, and he used it to play the same note again and again. At last his wife made bold to ask, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other cellists have four strings, and they move their fingers around and play a lot of notes?" "Sure," he replied, "They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:10 PM

Just one more of his.

The phone rang and I picked it up,

I said, who's speaking, please?

The voice said, you are...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:08 PM

Another Tommy Cooper.

I went to the ticket booth and said, I want a return ticket, please.

He said, where to, sir?

I said, here...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:05 PM

Tommy Cooper.

My wife rang me the other night.

She said, I think the car has water in the carburettor.

I said, why? Where's the car?

She said, in the river...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Sep 21 - 06:24 AM

I came across this one a few days ago, as Sir Douglas Bader died on September 5th 1982.

Sir Douglas was giving a talk about his experiences in the War to an assembly of girls in a very posh private school:-
"There were two fuckers to my left, two fuckers to my right and even more fuckers behind me."
The headmistress went very pale, stood up and announced to the girls, "A Fokker was a German aircraft, girls."
Bader replied, "True Ma'am, but these fuckers were Messerschmitts!"

(It's apocryphal of course)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Sep 21 - 11:38 AM

From the Daily Mail (sorry):-

How do you invite a dinosaur to come round yours for a light meal?
" Tea, Rex?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:51 PM

Ok then.

Knock knock

Who's there?

M.A.B. It's a big horse.

M.A.B. It's a big horse who?

M.A.B. It's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:39 PM

Bejaysus, Mr Red, Mrs Steve never laughs at my jokes. At best I get an eye-rolling (is it my timing, I ask meself?). But the mayonnaise one extracted a very rare titter from her. Mind you, I did have to sing it rather lustily...

Cheers, pal. A keeper is that one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 02:56 PM

There O sat watching a film on TV. I shouted 'Noooo don't do it!! it's a trap' My ex shouted from the kitchen 'What are you watching'? I replied 'Oh it's only our wedding video'