BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM

According to Memory Bank Inc.(since 2007) most folks are overdrawn. Remember last year when the jokes were mostly about defication, religion, sex and death? Jokes are no laughing matter! Even Georgian Silver repeated his jokebook joke word for word from last year.
Perhaps this year Steve will produce a joke vaccine so we won't die laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM

Are you a Tory, Doug? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 04:45 PM

Steve has 506 mudcat posts in February so far'
I have 56.   No joke but it is kinda funny wierd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 04:58 PM

Nowt wrong with that but I was thinking, re Thatcher's book, that Steve probably doesn't have an open fire in the house..?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 05:06 PM

I do have an open fire as it happens, WAV! You're only supposed to burn smokeless fuel or kiln-dried logs, not RUBBISH! ;-)

You didn't post anything for two weeks so don't come it, Donuel. I was convinced you'd been banned.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 07:05 PM

I was suffering and recovering from a hot chili accident. I shoulda known I was in trouble when they demanded I sign a waiver before I tried the Atomic Chili Challenge.
Meanwhile in the news: Half a million die in US, details at 11.
As for white supremacists and Nazis, they're not so wicked. They just want to mess with us a little, have a few laughs, you know shake us up. They won't be too hard on Democracy, just drown our cage a bit, rattle our chains, bust our balls, you know have a few kicks. Burn and Shoot is a B&S they understand giving lynching a comeback, destroying somthing symbolic and forming a new Confederate nation. Small shit like that.
Q may not have been right about all Democrats being pedophiles but they seem to have been spot on about Woody Allen. What Confederates want is slavery and reparations to pay owners back for all the $ they lost when slaves were virtually freed. In todays money a slave cost as much as a base Mercedes. (NO Economic freedom and lots of black voter obstruction still abound) The new Republicans can still be the S Law ghter and Oder party and remain the deficit spender masters of the Universe whether Trump is alive or dead or both. No one has done more to women, Democracy and the culture of the easy lie than Rush Limbaugh. The real right wing heroic legacy will belong to Rush and his 40 year career in preparation for the former fake reality TV star and Fuhrer of the 20% who will believe anything all the time.


...so thats some satire off the cuff, how bout a new joke Steve?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 07:35 PM

And how about you desist from posting shite in a joke thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: michaelr
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:29 AM

A little girl is on her knees in her back yard, digging a large hole.

The neighbour leans over the fence and says, "What are you doing , Nancy?"

Nancy replies, "I'm burying my goldfish."

The neighbour says, "Gosh, I'm sorry. But why such a large hole for a little goldfish?"

Nancy replies, "Because it's inside your fucking cat!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 03:57 AM

Ha ha! That's definitely the joke of the year so far!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 06:53 AM

A fading celebrity had decided to move into an upmarket retirement home. Unfortunately, his idea of his celebrity status somewhat outstripped the memory of general public and he was surprised to find that there was no welcoming committee to greet him when he arrived. Just then, one of the residents walked by.

"You there!" he said, haughtily, "Why is there nobody to meet me?"

"Why? Should there be?" asked the resident.

"Do you know who I am? he demanded.

"Can't help there, old chap" came the reply "but if you ask Matron, she'll tell you who you are."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 08:22 AM

I have an irrational fear of German sausages .........


I always fear the wurst.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 09:08 AM

A German bloke had a case full of sausages and several bottles of 100-proof spirit, which he was trying to smuggle out of the country on a flight.

Unfortunately, his case caught fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was a wurst-case scenario.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 09:21 AM

Bloke went to the doc because he was worried that he was going even more deaf than before in one ear. The doc shone a light down his ear and said, "What's this? You appear to have a suppository stuck in your ear!”
"Bugger," said the bloke. "That explains where my hearing aid went..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:05 PM

And you're not one to mince your words, either, Raggytash; nor does Steve mind waxing lyrical!

(Bad puns happily added to bad jokes here.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:36 PM

We will excuse the occasional groan-inducing allusion, WAV - for now!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Cool Beans
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 02:58 PM

Whew! I made it just in time. I had to take two flights to get here. Next time I'll take the elevator.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 03:19 PM

There is nothing like a good joke, CoolBeans and, to quote that friend of Mary Poppins who, rather, reached the heights through laughter, "that was nothing like a good joke".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 08:32 PM

Two friends in the pub were sitting watching a dog licking its bollocks in front of the fire.

First friend: "I wish I could do that!"

Second friend: "Ask it nicely and it might let you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Feb 21 - 06:13 PM

So also: A boy and a girl are sitting on a fence, watching a bull and a cow. He (wistfully): "Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that". She (shrugs): "It's your cow".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 25 Feb 21 - 06:40 PM

...but 60 minutes later, while she was on the hoof, he was still sitting on the fence about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 07:39 AM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 10:32 AM

"Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP."


Bwahahahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 10:48 AM

Me thinks Georgiansilver may be a ghost of The Two Ronnies...is it "four candles" or "fork handles"..?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Mar 21 - 07:31 AM

What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 21 - 07:10 AM

Roger Penrose and Bill Gates plan to pass on the sum of their knowledge and interactive intelligence onto a super computer. Joe Biden plans a book and Boris Johnson will have a phone app version for posterity.Trump said he will never die.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

In this time of pandemic no one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drove by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” on his CD player
The family was offended, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 21 - 10:04 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dejav

Dejav who?

Knock knock

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 21 - 01:18 PM

I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach. I was either laughing or crying all the way round.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...



I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I'll tell you what: never again...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Mar 21 - 02:07 PM

Steve Shaw.... Ha Ha.to the dejav who.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM

I used to work for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 06:48 AM

For years the Idaho potato farmers quietly dug transgender potatos for Americans to eat but 5th Ave has essentially outed the transgender potato and is radicalizing the Idaho Potato farmer. Potato Futures are in disarray. Brexit has depressed potato exports and Ireland and China are the clear winners in this transgender Potato war of our own making.
There is a call to arms, legs and lips among Potatohead Patriots.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 09:08 AM

Sheesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 04:10 AM

Here's a joke** from a radio panel game. Lucie Porter, for those wot know.

I went to the Deja Vu cafe yesterday and the guy said "haven't you been here before?".

** make that an allusion for the self-appointed SS obersturmbannführer of wittisisms. Betya he doesn't recognise himself (the first time).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 04:22 AM

You're a disgrace.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 05:53 AM

From wiki.

Obersturmbannführer...was a paramilitary German Nazi Party (NSDAP) rank used by both the SA and the SS. It was created in May 1933 to fill the need for an additional rank above Sturmbannführer as the SA expanded...
...Adolf Eichmann was promoted to Obersturmbannführer in 1940...

How lovely to be called a Nazi in a joke thread. Thanks for that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 05:53 PM

Re 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM post, A few day's later, one of Steve's ex-workmates was asked why he cancelled a booking at a restaurant near the company premises - "because the saur us."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

Gettin' there, WAV, gettin' there! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 05:51 AM

Two boys were sitting in church waiting for confession. One goes into the confessional:

'Father, it has been four months since my last confession...I was with a girl last week...and well, we started kissing and stuff and, well, we went a bit too far..."

"And what was this girl's name, my son?"

"I didn't even ask her, Father!"

"Well I've heard about some of the loose girls round here...Was it Mary?"

"I don't know, Father..."

Was it Alice?"

"Doesn't ring a bell, Father..."

"Donna?"

"Don't think so, Father..."

Anyway, the lad was sentenced to three Hail Marys and went back to his mate waiting in the pew.

His mate asked, "Good confession, was it?"

"Yeah, brilliant - and I got three names..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 06:13 AM

Going back to "See Naples and die", I was told that Die was an island in the bay of Naples. Anyone know if this is true?

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 06:34 AM

I haven't heard that. The phrase is familiar in Italian, and there's no doubt that, in the Italian rendition, "die" means "snuff it!"

"See Naples and get robbed if you're not careful" would be better advice! It is an amazing place, full of both good and bad. You can get damn good pizza there, the archaeological museum is stunning and you can see San Gennaro's bones sticking out of a big urn in the duomo. He's the patron saint of Napoli, but unfortunately he lost his head in the Solfatara volcano (which you can just walk right into) at Pozzuoli, the childhood home town of Sophia Loren.

I wouldn't say make the area the last place you see before you die, but go before you die. It's fantastic, and you've got The Amalfi Coast just round the corner. Pompei, Herculaneum, Sorrento, Vesuvius...YES!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:04 AM

A young man goes into the confessional.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two months since my last confession. Last week I went to a dance"

"Oh, did you now" says the priest

"...and I met a girl there"

"Oh, DID you now" says the priest

"...and I took her outside"

"OH, DID YOU NOW"

"...and we were making love, standing up in the bus shelter"

"That's a TERRIBLE thing to do to a young girl" continues the priest

"....when a bus arrived and, in the headlights, all the people on the bus could see who she was"

"And what was the name of this poor, innocent child that you so wantonly brought disgrace upon?" demanded the priest.

"It was the vicar's daughter, Father"

"Ah well," sighed the priest, "boys will be boys".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 08:51 AM

What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 10:07 AM

Worst of thymes? Was his basil faulty too?

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:00 AM

Pwaaaaghaaaagh Steve!!!!! Very good!!
And I expect when somebody knocked at his door he called, "Cumin!"
(I'll get me coat too)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:04 AM

At least the knock wasn't the Bay Leaf, Sen

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:39 AM

Hee hee Jon! No, it was Rosemary actually.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 12:04 PM

In that case, I'll tread gingerly from now on...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 12:19 PM

Tonight on the telly I'll be watching Corrie and der Meghan interview....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 02:27 PM

A few 'mint' comments lately.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

Very sage, very sage...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jos
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 03:37 PM

So many herbs and spices. I think I should go into the garden this summer and piccalilli.