BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 04:22 AM

You're a disgrace.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 04:10 AM

Here's a joke** from a radio panel game. Lucie Porter, for those wot know.

I went to the Deja Vu cafe yesterday and the guy said "haven't you been here before?".

** make that an allusion for the self-appointed SS obersturmbannführer of wittisisms. Betya he doesn't recognise himself (the first time).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 09:08 AM

Sheesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 06:48 AM

For years the Idaho potato farmers quietly dug transgender potatos for Americans to eat but 5th Ave has essentially outed the transgender potato and is radicalizing the Idaho Potato farmer. Potato Futures are in disarray. Brexit has depressed potato exports and Ireland and China are the clear winners in this transgender Potato war of our own making.
There is a call to arms, legs and lips among Potatohead Patriots.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM

I used to work for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Mar 21 - 02:07 PM

Steve Shaw.... Ha Ha.to the dejav who.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 21 - 01:18 PM

I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach. I was either laughing or crying all the way round.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...



I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I'll tell you what: never again...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 21 - 10:04 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dejav

Dejav who?

Knock knock

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 21 - 07:10 AM

Roger Penrose and Bill Gates plan to pass on the sum of their knowledge and interactive intelligence onto a super computer. Joe Biden plans a book and Boris Johnson will have a phone app version for posterity.Trump said he will never die.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

In this time of pandemic no one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drove by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust” on his CD player
The family was offended, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Mar 21 - 07:31 AM

What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 10:48 AM

Me thinks Georgiansilver may be a ghost of The Two Ronnies...is it "four candles" or "fork handles"..?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 10:32 AM

"Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP."


Bwahahahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Feb 21 - 07:39 AM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 25 Feb 21 - 06:40 PM

...but 60 minutes later, while she was on the hoof, he was still sitting on the fence about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Feb 21 - 06:13 PM

So also: A boy and a girl are sitting on a fence, watching a bull and a cow. He (wistfully): "Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that". She (shrugs): "It's your cow".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 08:32 PM

Two friends in the pub were sitting watching a dog licking its bollocks in front of the fire.

First friend: "I wish I could do that!"

Second friend: "Ask it nicely and it might let you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 03:19 PM

There is nothing like a good joke, CoolBeans and, to quote that friend of Mary Poppins who, rather, reached the heights through laughter, "that was nothing like a good joke".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Cool Beans
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 02:58 PM

Whew! I made it just in time. I had to take two flights to get here. Next time I'll take the elevator.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:36 PM

We will excuse the occasional groan-inducing allusion, WAV - for now!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:05 PM

And you're not one to mince your words, either, Raggytash; nor does Steve mind waxing lyrical!

(Bad puns happily added to bad jokes here.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 09:21 AM

Bloke went to the doc because he was worried that he was going even more deaf than before in one ear. The doc shone a light down his ear and said, "What's this? You appear to have a suppository stuck in your ear!”
"Bugger," said the bloke. "That explains where my hearing aid went..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 09:08 AM

A German bloke had a case full of sausages and several bottles of 100-proof spirit, which he was trying to smuggle out of the country on a flight.

Unfortunately, his case caught fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was a wurst-case scenario.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 08:22 AM

I have an irrational fear of German sausages .........


I always fear the wurst.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 06:53 AM

A fading celebrity had decided to move into an upmarket retirement home. Unfortunately, his idea of his celebrity status somewhat outstripped the memory of general public and he was surprised to find that there was no welcoming committee to greet him when he arrived. Just then, one of the residents walked by.

"You there!" he said, haughtily, "Why is there nobody to meet me?"

"Why? Should there be?" asked the resident.

"Do you know who I am? he demanded.

"Can't help there, old chap" came the reply "but if you ask Matron, she'll tell you who you are."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 03:57 AM

Ha ha! That's definitely the joke of the year so far!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: michaelr
Date: 24 Feb 21 - 12:29 AM

A little girl is on her knees in her back yard, digging a large hole.

The neighbour leans over the fence and says, "What are you doing , Nancy?"

Nancy replies, "I'm burying my goldfish."

The neighbour says, "Gosh, I'm sorry. But why such a large hole for a little goldfish?"

Nancy replies, "Because it's inside your fucking cat!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 07:35 PM

And how about you desist from posting shite in a joke thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 07:05 PM

I was suffering and recovering from a hot chili accident. I shoulda known I was in trouble when they demanded I sign a waiver before I tried the Atomic Chili Challenge.
Meanwhile in the news: Half a million die in US, details at 11.
As for white supremacists and Nazis, they're not so wicked. They just want to mess with us a little, have a few laughs, you know shake us up. They won't be too hard on Democracy, just drown our cage a bit, rattle our chains, bust our balls, you know have a few kicks. Burn and Shoot is a B&S they understand giving lynching a comeback, destroying somthing symbolic and forming a new Confederate nation. Small shit like that.
Q may not have been right about all Democrats being pedophiles but they seem to have been spot on about Woody Allen. What Confederates want is slavery and reparations to pay owners back for all the $ they lost when slaves were virtually freed. In todays money a slave cost as much as a base Mercedes. (NO Economic freedom and lots of black voter obstruction still abound) The new Republicans can still be the S Law ghter and Oder party and remain the deficit spender masters of the Universe whether Trump is alive or dead or both. No one has done more to women, Democracy and the culture of the easy lie than Rush Limbaugh. The real right wing heroic legacy will belong to Rush and his 40 year career in preparation for the former fake reality TV star and Fuhrer of the 20% who will believe anything all the time.


...so thats some satire off the cuff, how bout a new joke Steve?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 05:06 PM

I do have an open fire as it happens, WAV! You're only supposed to burn smokeless fuel or kiln-dried logs, not RUBBISH! ;-)

You didn't post anything for two weeks so don't come it, Donuel. I was convinced you'd been banned.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 04:58 PM

Nowt wrong with that but I was thinking, re Thatcher's book, that Steve probably doesn't have an open fire in the house..?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 04:45 PM

Steve has 506 mudcat posts in February so far'
I have 56.   No joke but it is kinda funny wierd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM

Are you a Tory, Doug? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 03:01 PM

According to Memory Bank Inc.(since 2007) most folks are overdrawn. Remember last year when the jokes were mostly about defication, religion, sex and death? Jokes are no laughing matter! Even Georgian Silver repeated his jokebook joke word for word from last year.
Perhaps this year Steve will produce a joke vaccine so we won't die laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 02:01 PM

Come on Steve, don't complain about other people's unfunny jokes if that's the best you can do.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 01:49 PM

I've got a copy of the autobiography of Margaret Thatcher. It's one of those books that once you put it down you can't pick it up again...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:50 PM

Nah - the only thing holding up that book is the hot air of its advocates!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:44 PM

I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity, it's fascinating, I can't put it down.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:33 PM

Anybody got an actual joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 23 Feb 21 - 12:04 PM

No kidology from me, this time, I was watching cyclists tour the UAE on TV and, when they passed a zoo, one commentator mentioned the other would be frightened to go in - in case they kept him in!

More seriously, conservation should be done "In Situ".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Feb 21 - 07:09 AM

Poor Senator Ted Cruz has gained the reputation of everyone taking an instant dislike to him. I asked many people why and most of them said "Its a real time saver".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 05:10 PM

I'd had a bit too much sherry around Christmas and, after a bath, forgot the plumber had said he was working on the flat below...hope pulling the plug didn't "wet him all over".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 03:49 PM

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 02:27 PM

When you think about it, forming meatballs is like stroking animals, just a bit late.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Feb 21 - 12:59 PM

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "What on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song on golfing lingo - "Lingolf"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Feb 21 - 02:56 PM

...and then...

Little birdie flying high
Dropped a message out of the sky
"Ooh" said the farmer, wiping his eye
It's a jolly good thing my cows don't fly.

(I was thinking, hopefully, in a few months, comedians will be back on stage making fun of folks hanging musical instruments on the wall & moving pot-plants, or hitting the wrong filter option, just before joining a zoom call, etc.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 21 - 07:05 AM

A farmer goes out one morning to find all his cows frozen solid in the field. Just then a woman passes by, and seeing the farmer's predicament she waves her arms over the cattle. Miraculously, after a minute or two all the cows start to walk around perfectly normally.

"Wow," he said, "that was amazing! Are you a magician?"

"Nah," she said, "I'm Thora Herd..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 21 - 03:13 PM

I'd like a red hot spicy Chicken burger and an intense Strawberry shake and a very berry pastry.
Do you want fries with that?
What kind?
Golden brown.
WHADDU I look like, a baby eating BLM democrat?
No sir, I think somethings eating you.


Today Nancy Pelosi was found guilty of reason and was sentenced to breathe.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Jan 21 - 06:04 AM

A woman has made herself a meal including baked beans. She is enjoying so much that she has a second helping of beans. That evening, in the pub, the beans start to take effect. The music in the pub is very loud and a song that she recognises, a hard rock pfiece with some very loud passages, is being played. She reckons that if she times it right, she can get away with relieving the pressure without anyone noticing. As they reach the guitar solo, she takes her chance:

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

Bah bah, bah bah BAM! phrrrt

She looks around to see if she has got away with it, to find that people are staring at her. Just then, her boyfriend comes back from a trip to the toilet and speaks to her.

"WHAT?" she says, "I can't here you over the loud music".

"I said ' TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT! ' ".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 04:06 PM

I'm trying to fathom if Georgiansilver has shed any light on the saying "see Naples and die"?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 07:57 AM

How does Mr Waterweed greet his missus?

Elodea.