BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:09 PM

Me too, but it's far too chilli at the moment. I think I'll just nip out and put the car away...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 21 - 10:37 AM

Wait for it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Mar 21 - 05:55 PM

Sparsely sage, those wary in time!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

I went to a meeting of the 'Premature Ejaculators Support Group' today but arrived too soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 21 - 09:09 PM

Whats more exciting than making love with a very old man for a very long time?
Making love to an 18 year old for 30 seconds.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 08:04 AM

A few years ago I was sat in a waiting room full of people at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-Ray on my shoulder. Just then, a doctor, who was also a long-time drinking buddy, passed through and called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh, hi, Steve, I didn't know that the impotence clinic was on today!"

B*@st@rd...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 09:35 AM

I was at a winery for a sunset concert and saw someone carrying a banjo, and quipped Oh, I didn't realize there would be a bonfire!

He laughed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 01:41 PM

I desperately wanted to be rid of my banjo, so I left it overnight in full view on my car seat and left the doors unlocked and all the windows down.

When I came down next morning my car seat had two banjos on it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Reinhard
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

If you'd left the doors unlocked I'd rather think that the next morning the car is gone but they left the banjo behind...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 07:54 PM

It was a trabbie with two wheels missing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: MudGuard
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 03:17 AM

a trabbie? But you wrote "car" ... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:04 AM

It were a car to us!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:07 AM

A tiny belly-laugh from Ian Skelly on Radio 3 this morning, as he was eulogising about the signs of spring, "...The blackthorn's out...the daffodils are out, the bulbs are pushing through, Monty Don's back on the box..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: G-Force
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 07:38 AM

The French like puns just as much as we anglophones do.

I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. And a sandwich bar called '100wichs'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:20 AM

Scotsman goes into a bakery. He points to a confection in the window and asks, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

Sez the baker, "No, you're right, it's a cake..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 09:20 AM

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was checking his balance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:25 PM

Surgeons are surprised men are requesting elective transplants on their wrist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:34 PM

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/04/11/lab-grown-vaginas-successfully-implanted-in-girls-in-tissue-engineering-first/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:05 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 06:47 PM

For crying out Donuel, how many times do you need to be told you "humour" is not humourous.

A vicar goes to a dog rescue centre and tells the owner that he would like a new dog and if he can get a rescue dog that would be great and if it had some sort of religious connotation that would be even better But I don't want a St Bernard.

The owner says I got just the dog for you, but it's not out here, I've got it in the house.

So the vicar follows him into his house where he is shown a very young and very bonny King Charles Spaniel.

Well he says thats a very pretty dog, very pretty indeed but what is the religious connotation? Ah say the man watch this.

He calls out "Bible!" and the dog runs into his library and comes running back with the bible.

That's marvellous say the vicar he can play fetch but it's not that surprising.

No, no says the owner. Watch this. "Genesis!" the dog flicks the page open to Genesis. "Leviticus!" say the owner the dog flicks the page to Leviticus. "Kings!" shouts the owner, the dog dutifully opens the correct page.

That's astonishing say the Vicar how much do you want for him. One hundred pounds say the owner. I'll take him says the vicar.

So the vicar arrives home back to the presbytery and calls to his wife "I've got us a beauty little dog and it really is quite special"

His wife comes down and is smitten by the little King Charles Spaniel but asks her husband I know it's a bonny little dog but whats the religious connotation.

Watch this he says. "Bible!" the dog runs into his study and returns with the Bible. Clever says his wife it can plat fetch but that's not so unusual. No, no says the vicar watch this. "Psalms!" the dog flicks the pages to Psalms "Exodus!" the god flicks the pages to the correct one.

That's amazing says his wife, amazing. Can it do any normal doggy tricks.

Don' know say the vicar I'll try it now "heel!" he shouts, he dog jumps up and put both it's paws on his head !!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 07:30 AM

And shouts "Ommmmmmm"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 11:51 AM

Solution to a puzzle, attributed to Jack Parr:

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

I agree!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 12:16 PM

I think we desperately need a British joke thread and a separate American "joke" thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 11:58 AM

"Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 02:27 PM

Humor segregation is for bigots, be honest, wouldn't you prefer to punish or torture Americans? Or you could do both.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:16 PM

Have you got a joke for this joke thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:45 PM

"Mummy! Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down!"

"Well...how kind of Daddy! You should learn from him!"

"But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap! "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Apr 21 - 06:53 AM

A golfer is about to take a shot when another golfer calls across from a neighbouring green: "That's the ladies' tee that you're on!"

He smiles politely and addresses the ball for a second time.

"I say," comes the voice again "you need to move back. That's the ladies' tee!"

He shuffle uncomfortably and continues with his stroke. In the middle of his back swing he hears:
      "It's not done, old chap. Really not done at all!"

He stops, looks up and, through gritted teeth, calls back:
      "Will you PLEASE be quiet and let me get on with my second shot!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 07:02 AM

I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 10:24 AM

A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails. When the police asked if he could give a description, he said: "No, they were too quick for me!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Sep 21 - 01:48 PM

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 21 - 02:10 PM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:01 AM

Knock, Knock
WHo's there?
mayonnaise
mayonnaise who?
?? mayonnaise have seen the coming of the Lord ?? ............

Not my joke, or even on from May Anne Hayes - but a Stephen Fry gem

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 02:56 PM

There O sat watching a film on TV. I shouted 'Noooo don't do it!! it's a trap' My ex shouted from the kitchen 'What are you watching'? I replied 'Oh it's only our wedding video'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:39 PM

Bejaysus, Mr Red, Mrs Steve never laughs at my jokes. At best I get an eye-rolling (is it my timing, I ask meself?). But the mayonnaise one extracted a very rare titter from her. Mind you, I did have to sing it rather lustily...

Cheers, pal. A keeper is that one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:51 PM

Ok then.

Knock knock

Who's there?

M.A.B. It's a big horse.

M.A.B. It's a big horse who?

M.A.B. It's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Sep 21 - 11:38 AM

From the Daily Mail (sorry):-

How do you invite a dinosaur to come round yours for a light meal?
" Tea, Rex?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Sep 21 - 06:24 AM

I came across this one a few days ago, as Sir Douglas Bader died on September 5th 1982.

Sir Douglas was giving a talk about his experiences in the War to an assembly of girls in a very posh private school:-
"There were two fuckers to my left, two fuckers to my right and even more fuckers behind me."
The headmistress went very pale, stood up and announced to the girls, "A Fokker was a German aircraft, girls."
Bader replied, "True Ma'am, but these fuckers were Messerschmitts!"

(It's apocryphal of course)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:05 PM

Tommy Cooper.

My wife rang me the other night.

She said, I think the car has water in the carburettor.

I said, why? Where's the car?

She said, in the river...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:08 PM

Another Tommy Cooper.

I went to the ticket booth and said, I want a return ticket, please.

He said, where to, sir?

I said, here...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Sep 21 - 08:10 PM

Just one more of his.

The phone rang and I picked it up,

I said, who's speaking, please?

The voice said, you are...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Sep 21 - 05:38 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello every day, but his cello had only one string, and he used it to play the same note again and again. At last his wife made bold to ask, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other cellists have four strings, and they move their fingers around and play a lot of notes?" "Sure," he replied, "They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:29 PM

Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!"

Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!"

Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!"

Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:30 PM

Two Alabama boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck . The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: PHJim
Date: 12 Sep 21 - 07:31 PM

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 07:21 AM

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 04:17 PM

A whole bus load of nuns tragically died in a road crash. They all queued up at the pearly gates.

"Welcome, ladies," said St Peter. "Now I have to ask each of you a simple question, then I can let you in. Sister Mary, you're first. Now, sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well..there was this one time when I touched one with my pinky finger..."

"Hmm. Well, wash your pinky in that holy water there and you can come in."

"Now, Sister Christine. Same question: have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well...there was this one time when I held one in this hand for just a minute..."

"Hmmm. Well wash that hand in the holy water and you can come in..."

Just then there was a kerfuffle in the queue as Sister Helen tried to barge in front of Sister Judy.

"Now, now, there's no rush, Sister Helen. What do you think you're doing?" said St Peter.

Said Sister Helen, "If I've got to gargle with that holy water I'm bloody well going to do it before Sister Judy dips her arse in it..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Sep 21 - 08:50 PM

Rude, crude, lewed and approved.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Sep 21 - 10:34 AM

...so, there was this well-to-do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 21 - 07:07 AM

I was just reading a piece in the Guardian about the poet John Cooper Clarke. Someone in the Comments column after the article posted this haiku of his. I nearly busted my corset laughing:

TO-CON-VEY ONE'S MOOD
IN SEV-EN-TEEN SYLL-ABLE-S
IS VE-RY DIF-FIC