BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:49 AM

Kid-  “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
-
Dad- “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
-
Kid- “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:34 AM

Maybe you guys can shift your discussion over to the UK politics thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:20 AM

Donuel suggesting a source is totally inadequate! Please provide specific links to articles you are referring to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 06:19 PM

"Doctor doctor! Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy!"

"Ah, I see. Now how long have you been getting these disney spells?"



Doctor to little old lady, "You've got acute angina."

Little old lady, lifting up her jumper, "I've got nice tits too!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 04:02 PM

This thread is dead, long live 2023.

Georgian silver sources Guardian and NPR.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:29 PM

If you end a paragraph with "NO JOKE" that paragraph probably doesn't belong in a joke thread, wether it's true or not. Your last trio of jokes gave me a chuckle, Don, maybe you should continue down that path in this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:21 PM

PS..... was it supposed to be a joke????

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:20 PM

Donuel... as a well studied and informed Brit...I would be pleased if you could show me where you found this information. This is new to me. Before joining the EU, we Brits were the fifth richest country in the world. We dropped that position to become the 6th. Since leaving we are back to being the fifth richest again..... so I can't see how your assertion holds water.... Please give us a link to prove your statement.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 11:56 AM

Steve should make resolutions that are more easily achievable and are within his grasp
like eating pasta everyday.
Next year, weight loss, maybe.

By the way Poor folks in the UK have a standard of living 20% lower than Slovenia. The Brexit financial hit has brought the UK below many European countries' GNP. - NO JOKE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 11:38 AM

Unlike Donuel's anti-jokes Steve is the real joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 08:16 PM

Yeah, well it's great to end 2022 with some non-jokes. Not.

Maybe I'll start the 2023 joke thread with a very strict rule, viz: "This is a joke thread."


I've made a New Year's resolution. I'm going to do a lot more reading.

I'm going to turn on the telly subtitles...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 07:40 PM

Hikers discovered a kidnapping in Rock Creek Park so they woke him up.

Police arrested a kindergartner for refusing to sleep. The report said he was resisting arrest.

The guest of honor at a wake never is.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 12:09 PM

I've just made a chicken tarka

It's like a tikka but otter

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Dec 22 - 11:37 AM

OK, here's an approximately seasonal one:

A chess championship was due to be held in Las Vegas. On the evening before the event, various participants arrived in the hotel, and started reminiscing about matches they'd been part of in previous years. The whole lot were thrown out of the hotel by the manager, who said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 22 - 12:19 PM

I prefer to die like my Grandfather, in his sleep unlike the terrified people in the car he was driving.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 22 - 08:18 PM

A commander walks into a bar...

...and orders everyone around.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Dec 22 - 08:56 AM

There was once a monk, of a silent order, who could only utter two words to the Abbot each year. The first year he said 'Bed hard'... The second year he said 'floor cold'. The third year he said 'Habit itchy'. The fourth year he said ' sandals rub'. The following year he said 'I'm leaving'! . The Abbot said 'Great, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 11:33 AM

I tried to come up with some good double-meaning musical jokes, but all I managed was a couple of dim innuendos...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 08:25 AM

Repetition is worthy of the farmer joke. So is sex.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 07:55 AM

My ex once asked me for an example of innuendo... so I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:52 AM

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing.

"As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process.

"Wait a second", the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is...it's extruding the condom.. but what's with the pop noise every once in awhile?"

"Oh, that.. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process." said the guide "It pokes a hole in every third condom."

"But that cant be good for the condoms business!" the observant shift manager replied.

"Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:44 AM

One of the most common is sex itself:

An old farmer managed to secure himself a young wife. Everyone gossiped about it, but he seemed happy.
Then one day the local doctor met Jake on the street.
"Hey doc," the farmer said, " I've been meaning to ask you about a kinda awkward problem."

"Well, I'll try. What's going on?"

"You see, doc, I ain't as young as I used to be, and I love my wife, but certain things are not as easy as they were when I was young. Sometimes I get that 'urge' when I'm out plowing, but by the time I get back up to the house, my energy and the 'urge' are gone."

"Hmmm..", says the doctor, "You know, she is young and spry. Why don't you pack a blanket and a pillow on the tractor and take your shotgun along. Then, when the urge hits, fire off a shot and have her come down to the field to you!"

"Gosh, doc, that's a great idea! Thanks."

So, about a month later, the doctor meets Jake again and asks him, "Hey Jake... that idea I gave you awhile back...umm.. how'd that work out?"

The farmer sighs sadly and shakes his head..."Well, doc, it worked just fine for a couple of weeks... then huntin' season opened, and I ain't see her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:24 AM

There are categories of jokes. One common on is the 'war between the sexes'....


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 07:29 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:52 AM

How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A what?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:47 AM

The one joke that never gets me a laugh and always induces irritation, but which I consider to be bloody hilarious, is:

What have Jimmy Edwards and Lulu got in common?

They both have moustaches except Lulu.

(I think it was a Crackerjack joke).

There. Told you it was hilarious!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:29 AM

Meanwhile, back at the jokes, here's a ha-ha-only-serious from my old trade:

What's yellow and dangerous?

A canary with the root password.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 01:11 PM

Well I once looked at my mush in an allegorical mirror. I thought to myself, is this some kind of bloody joke?

Or am I speaking metaphysically?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 12:49 PM

How do you spot a narcissist?

He's the one who thinks his jokes are funnier than yours.
He's the one who can't understand more than one branch of humour, his.
He's the one who hasn't spotted himself when you hold up an allegorical mirror.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 11:09 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dontuwell

Dontuwell who?

Dontuwell know by now that I have know idea what a joke is.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 10:34 AM

This is a joke thread. Hang on, me saying that has just brought on a déjà vu...

Subject: RE: BS: USA #1
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 09:39 AM

Celebrate at the festival, school, concert, bars, shopping, church and run from the exciting mass shooting.
Brought to you by your favorite gun manufacturer

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 08:07 PM

Not a single bloody laugh there. That's 45 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

Why don't you start a cynicism thread?

Oh, hang on... You already suffer badly from thread-starting diarrhoea... Don't bother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 07:56 PM

They say narcissists are incapable of self-reflection.
But vampires are worse.

What’s a narcissist's favorite keyboard shortcut?
Ctrl U.

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb and the rest of the world to revolve around them.

I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.

I’m a paranoid narcissist.
I’m afraid no one’s out to get me!

My therapist says I’m narcissistic.
How can someone who’s perfect be narcissist?

How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store?
He’ll be doing the self checkout.

What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.

What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

Narcissists are like Russian dolls.
Full of themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 04:31 PM

Me too, but at least I try to be discriminating!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:37 PM

Yes.. I do find almost anything thru Google.. ;>)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:36 PM

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.

Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:31 PM

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "Watch me."
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break."
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:27 PM

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one....
The other ducked.

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Piece Of Asphalt Under His Arm And Says.."A beer please, and one for the road."

Two Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into A Bar. One says, "You can't tell me that was just a coincidence, man!"

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 09:11 AM

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walked into a bar.


"Bloody 'ell," muttered the barman, "This is no joke..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 04:27 AM

Not quite on the food theme, but I once taught in a school that had pupils called Teresa Green and Terri Bull. Some parents, eh? Mind you, the latter was very aptly named...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 04:17 AM

"May-O-naise."

related to May Ann Hayes by any chance?

& her frienda Pippa Ann Salt, & Carla Breeze (married to Brock Alley).

then they seize her salad.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 03:54 AM

Nearly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 07:24 PM

Two Brits die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold and damp where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Brit's room, along the way being begged by all sorts of condemned people to stop the heating. He enters the room to see the Grits having a cook out. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Brits' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout in unison, "Hell froze over! That means we won the World Cup!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 07:21 PM

It'll be a long time before you quit making "jokes" then, won't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 06:55 PM

Why do Narcissists quit something just when they get good at it?
They can never get over themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 05:40 PM

What kind of nut makes a man's hairy face smell of urine?

Pistachios.



What kind of nut makes your bollocks all wet?

Peenuts.


See? We can all make up stupidly unfunny "jokes", can't we? Not exactly a talent, is it, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 04:02 PM

What kind of nut can spread Covid?
Cashews!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 05:24 PM

"Is May ready?"

"May who?"

"May-O-naise."

"No, mayonnaise is dressing!"

(from my father, who had a dozen like this)

"Can I hold your palm, Olive?"
"Not on your life, boy!"

"Where you been, lima?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 02:04 PM

Mind/Matter = EC2