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BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Mr Red 02 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 22 - 05:15 PM
Mr Red 02 Jan 22 - 05:17 PM
Mr Red 02 Jan 22 - 05:19 PM
Mrrzy 02 Jan 22 - 06:41 PM
Donuel 02 Jan 22 - 06:54 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 22 - 07:18 PM
gillymor 02 Jan 22 - 07:42 PM
Georgiansilver 03 Jan 22 - 07:55 AM
Mrrzy 03 Jan 22 - 08:34 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM
Nigel Parsons 03 Jan 22 - 11:22 AM
Nigel Parsons 03 Jan 22 - 11:37 AM
Mrrzy 03 Jan 22 - 01:48 PM
Doug Chadwick 04 Jan 22 - 04:30 AM
Rain Dog 04 Jan 22 - 04:40 AM
Donuel 04 Jan 22 - 10:03 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 22 - 10:35 AM
Mrrzy 05 Jan 22 - 10:49 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 22 - 12:21 PM
gillymor 05 Jan 22 - 12:44 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 22 - 01:03 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 22 - 08:32 PM
Donuel 06 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Jan 22 - 04:52 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Jan 22 - 05:40 PM
Tattie Bogle 06 Jan 22 - 07:05 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Jan 22 - 07:29 PM
BobL 07 Jan 22 - 04:14 AM
Tattie Bogle 07 Jan 22 - 08:11 AM
Donuel 07 Jan 22 - 08:16 AM
gillymor 07 Jan 22 - 08:33 AM
Mrrzy 07 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 22 - 10:02 AM
Donuel 08 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 22 - 11:34 AM
Donuel 09 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 22 - 02:07 PM
Donuel 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM
Georgiansilver 10 Jan 22 - 02:29 PM
Georgiansilver 10 Jan 22 - 02:31 PM
Georgiansilver 10 Jan 22 - 03:32 PM
Donuel 10 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM
gillymor 10 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM
Donuel 10 Jan 22 - 05:46 PM
Donuel 10 Jan 22 - 06:27 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 22 - 07:38 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 22 - 08:11 PM
Donuel 10 Jan 22 - 08:35 PM
Georgiansilver 11 Jan 22 - 02:50 PM
Steve Shaw 11 Jan 22 - 04:45 PM
gillymor 11 Jan 22 - 06:00 PM
Steve Shaw 11 Jan 22 - 06:22 PM
Steve Shaw 12 Jan 22 - 06:38 AM
Georgiansilver 12 Jan 22 - 10:28 AM
Georgiansilver 12 Jan 22 - 10:31 AM
gillymor 12 Jan 22 - 12:48 PM
Donuel 12 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM
Steve Shaw 12 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM
Donuel 12 Jan 22 - 04:32 PM
Mrrzy 12 Jan 22 - 04:47 PM
Donuel 12 Jan 22 - 05:21 PM
Steve Shaw 12 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM
BobL 13 Jan 22 - 03:33 AM
gillymor 13 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM
Donuel 13 Jan 22 - 08:36 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 22 - 10:19 AM
Georgiansilver 13 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM
MudGuard 13 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM
MudGuard 13 Jan 22 - 04:35 PM
Donuel 13 Jan 22 - 04:59 PM
MudGuard 14 Jan 22 - 02:22 PM
Donuel 14 Jan 22 - 07:56 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM
MudGuard 15 Jan 22 - 09:44 AM
Donuel 15 Jan 22 - 10:10 AM
Donuel 15 Jan 22 - 11:14 AM
Mrrzy 15 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM
HuwG 15 Jan 22 - 05:30 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Jan 22 - 06:05 PM
Donuel 15 Jan 22 - 10:13 PM
Doug Chadwick 16 Jan 22 - 04:44 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Jan 22 - 05:34 AM
Georgiansilver 16 Jan 22 - 07:16 AM
Doug Chadwick 16 Jan 22 - 08:07 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Jan 22 - 10:33 AM
Georgiansilver 16 Jan 22 - 12:50 PM
Georgiansilver 18 Jan 22 - 07:30 AM
Mrrzy 18 Jan 22 - 08:51 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Jan 22 - 10:55 AM
Georgiansilver 18 Jan 22 - 02:15 PM
Donuel 19 Jan 22 - 01:00 PM
Steve Shaw 19 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM
Bill D 19 Jan 22 - 02:20 PM
Steve Shaw 19 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM
Donuel 19 Jan 22 - 04:31 PM
Donuel 19 Jan 22 - 04:43 PM
Doug Chadwick 19 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Jan 22 - 09:08 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Jan 22 - 11:33 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM
Georgiansilver 20 Jan 22 - 03:20 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Jan 22 - 03:30 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Jan 22 - 08:24 PM
G-Force 21 Jan 22 - 06:37 AM
Nigel Parsons 21 Jan 22 - 07:02 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Jan 22 - 09:39 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Jan 22 - 10:46 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Jan 22 - 10:51 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Jan 22 - 11:04 AM
Donuel 21 Jan 22 - 05:59 PM
Raggytash 22 Jan 22 - 06:00 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 22 - 06:20 AM
Donuel 22 Jan 22 - 07:17 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 22 - 07:24 AM
Dave the Gnome 22 Jan 22 - 07:46 AM
Justa Picker 22 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM
Donuel 23 Jan 22 - 11:31 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 22 - 12:03 PM
Mrrzy 23 Jan 22 - 12:31 PM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 22 - 12:57 PM
Doug Chadwick 23 Jan 22 - 02:32 PM
Doug Chadwick 23 Jan 22 - 02:35 PM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 22 - 03:44 PM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 22 - 07:53 PM
Mrrzy 23 Jan 22 - 09:31 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 23 Jan 22 - 10:19 PM
Mrrzy 23 Jan 22 - 11:40 PM
BobL 24 Jan 22 - 03:06 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Jan 22 - 04:24 AM
Doug Chadwick 24 Jan 22 - 05:45 AM
Dave the Gnome 24 Jan 22 - 06:39 AM
Donuel 24 Jan 22 - 07:25 AM
Doug Chadwick 24 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Jan 22 - 10:18 AM
Senoufou 24 Jan 22 - 11:50 AM
Mrrzy 24 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM
Georgiansilver 24 Jan 22 - 02:10 PM
Dave the Gnome 24 Jan 22 - 02:19 PM
Georgiansilver 25 Jan 22 - 02:08 PM
Mr Red 25 Jan 22 - 03:40 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 22 - 11:57 AM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 22 - 12:06 PM
Mrrzy 26 Jan 22 - 04:23 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 22 - 05:07 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM
Doug Chadwick 26 Jan 22 - 05:57 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 22 - 06:09 PM
Doug Chadwick 26 Jan 22 - 06:21 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 22 - 07:08 PM
Mrrzy 26 Jan 22 - 10:31 PM
Doug Chadwick 27 Jan 22 - 04:15 AM
Steve Shaw 27 Jan 22 - 06:25 AM
Dave the Gnome 27 Jan 22 - 08:32 AM
Mrrzy 27 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM
Steve Shaw 27 Jan 22 - 01:15 PM
Mrrzy 27 Jan 22 - 08:18 PM
Steve Shaw 27 Jan 22 - 09:19 PM
Donuel 28 Jan 22 - 06:02 AM
Donuel 28 Jan 22 - 09:37 AM
G-Force 28 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM
Mr Red 28 Jan 22 - 09:54 AM
Georgiansilver 28 Jan 22 - 10:43 AM
Georgiansilver 28 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM
gillymor 07 Feb 22 - 06:50 AM
Donuel 14 Feb 22 - 07:20 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Feb 22 - 07:32 PM
Mrrzy 14 Feb 22 - 07:41 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Feb 22 - 07:56 PM
Mr Red 15 Feb 22 - 03:45 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Feb 22 - 04:14 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Feb 22 - 05:59 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Feb 22 - 06:27 AM
Donuel 15 Feb 22 - 06:44 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Feb 22 - 09:55 AM
Mrrzy 15 Feb 22 - 10:57 AM
Donuel 15 Feb 22 - 12:49 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Feb 22 - 01:00 PM
Donuel 15 Feb 22 - 01:24 PM
Mrrzy 15 Feb 22 - 01:36 PM
Mr Red 16 Feb 22 - 03:04 AM
Georgiansilver 17 Feb 22 - 06:34 AM
Georgiansilver 17 Feb 22 - 03:24 PM
the lemonade lady 19 Feb 22 - 04:46 AM
Georgiansilver 19 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM
Steve Shaw 19 Feb 22 - 06:44 PM
Mr Red 22 Feb 22 - 02:57 AM
Mrrzy 22 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM
Mrrzy 24 Feb 22 - 07:29 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Feb 22 - 09:05 PM
Donuel 25 Feb 22 - 07:29 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Feb 22 - 07:39 AM
Donuel 25 Feb 22 - 08:27 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Feb 22 - 08:41 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Feb 22 - 08:45 AM
Donuel 25 Feb 22 - 08:46 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Feb 22 - 08:51 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Feb 22 - 08:53 AM
Donuel 25 Feb 22 - 10:00 AM
Donuel 25 Feb 22 - 10:09 AM
Donuel 25 Feb 22 - 10:31 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Feb 22 - 11:44 AM
Mr Red 27 Feb 22 - 02:50 AM
Steve Shaw 27 Feb 22 - 05:57 AM
Steve Shaw 27 Feb 22 - 06:37 AM
Steve Shaw 27 Feb 22 - 09:43 AM
Mrrzy 16 Apr 22 - 01:00 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Apr 22 - 08:17 PM
Georgiansilver 17 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM
Donuel 18 Apr 22 - 08:10 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Apr 22 - 11:10 AM
Donuel 18 Apr 22 - 11:45 AM
gillymor 18 Apr 22 - 11:52 AM
Donuel 18 Apr 22 - 12:14 PM
gillymor 18 Apr 22 - 12:29 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Apr 22 - 12:46 PM
Donuel 18 Apr 22 - 12:51 PM
Donuel 20 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM
Donuel 20 Apr 22 - 10:17 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Apr 22 - 04:09 PM
Donuel 20 Apr 22 - 05:27 PM
Mrrzy 20 Apr 22 - 05:56 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Apr 22 - 06:20 PM
Raggytash 20 Apr 22 - 07:48 PM
gillymor 20 Apr 22 - 08:32 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Apr 22 - 08:37 PM
gillymor 20 Apr 22 - 09:24 PM
Donuel 20 Apr 22 - 09:35 PM
Donuel 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM
Donuel 21 Apr 22 - 08:40 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Apr 22 - 08:54 AM
Donuel 21 Apr 22 - 09:12 AM
Donuel 21 Apr 22 - 09:22 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Apr 22 - 12:55 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Apr 22 - 03:19 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Apr 22 - 03:31 PM
Donuel 21 Apr 22 - 03:53 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Apr 22 - 04:16 PM
Pete from seven stars link 22 Apr 22 - 04:39 AM
Pete from seven stars link 22 Apr 22 - 04:43 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Apr 22 - 05:36 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Apr 22 - 09:25 AM
MaJoC the Filk 22 Apr 22 - 12:03 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 22 Apr 22 - 08:25 PM
Georgiansilver 23 Apr 22 - 06:56 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Apr 22 - 05:31 AM
Donuel 04 May 22 - 02:26 PM
Donuel 04 May 22 - 09:05 PM
Jon Freeman 05 May 22 - 06:23 AM
Donuel 11 May 22 - 05:28 PM
Steve Shaw 11 May 22 - 06:56 PM
Steve Shaw 11 May 22 - 07:06 PM
Georgiansilver 12 May 22 - 12:35 PM
Donuel 12 May 22 - 04:23 PM
Donuel 12 May 22 - 04:45 PM
Steve Shaw 12 May 22 - 06:24 PM
Steve Shaw 12 May 22 - 07:41 PM
Donuel 16 May 22 - 11:04 AM
Donuel 16 May 22 - 07:18 PM
Steve Shaw 16 May 22 - 07:21 PM
Donuel 16 May 22 - 10:28 PM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 10:23 AM
Mrrzy 17 May 22 - 10:40 AM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 12:03 PM
Donuel 17 May 22 - 12:26 PM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 03:50 PM
Donuel 17 May 22 - 04:32 PM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 04:49 PM
Doug Chadwick 17 May 22 - 05:30 PM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 06:04 PM
Raggytash 17 May 22 - 07:26 PM
Raggytash 17 May 22 - 07:29 PM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 08:24 PM
Steve Shaw 17 May 22 - 08:45 PM
Doug Chadwick 18 May 22 - 12:21 PM
Donuel 18 May 22 - 01:28 PM
Donuel 18 May 22 - 02:27 PM
Raggytash 18 May 22 - 06:42 PM
Steve Shaw 18 May 22 - 07:05 PM
Doug Chadwick 18 May 22 - 07:16 PM
Donuel 19 May 22 - 08:59 AM
Doug Chadwick 19 May 22 - 10:10 AM
Doug Chadwick 19 May 22 - 12:01 PM
Stilly River Sage 19 May 22 - 07:54 PM
Stanron 22 May 22 - 12:03 PM
Steve Shaw 22 May 22 - 09:29 PM
Georgiansilver 23 May 22 - 08:02 AM
Mrrzy 23 May 22 - 10:36 AM
Donuel 23 May 22 - 10:39 AM
MaJoC the Filk 24 May 22 - 09:06 AM
Georgiansilver 24 May 22 - 10:44 AM
Steve Shaw 24 May 22 - 11:27 AM
Donuel 25 May 22 - 11:05 AM
Donuel 25 May 22 - 11:55 AM
Steve Shaw 25 May 22 - 11:58 AM
Georgiansilver 25 May 22 - 01:00 PM
Donuel 25 May 22 - 01:35 PM
Raggytash 25 May 22 - 02:40 PM
Steve Shaw 25 May 22 - 04:17 PM
Donuel 25 May 22 - 04:24 PM
Steve Shaw 25 May 22 - 05:56 PM
Steve Shaw 25 May 22 - 07:32 PM
Donuel 25 May 22 - 08:17 PM
Steve Shaw 27 May 22 - 09:00 AM
Donuel 27 May 22 - 09:04 AM
Steve Shaw 27 May 22 - 09:12 AM
Georgiansilver 27 May 22 - 09:55 AM
Donuel 27 May 22 - 10:26 AM
Steve Shaw 27 May 22 - 08:12 PM
Mrrzy 29 May 22 - 10:56 AM
MaJoC the Filk 29 May 22 - 11:24 AM
Donuel 31 May 22 - 07:22 PM
Steve Shaw 31 May 22 - 08:33 PM
Donuel 01 Jun 22 - 07:52 AM
Georgiansilver 01 Jun 22 - 01:26 PM
Donuel 01 Jun 22 - 02:07 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Jun 22 - 04:01 PM
Senoufou 20 Jun 22 - 02:05 AM
MaJoC the Filk 20 Jun 22 - 04:44 AM
Mrrzy 20 Jun 22 - 10:35 AM
Georgiansilver 20 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 20 Jun 22 - 04:18 PM
Steve Shaw 20 Jun 22 - 04:51 PM
Donuel 22 Jun 22 - 10:08 AM
Georgiansilver 22 Jun 22 - 01:32 PM
Donuel 22 Jun 22 - 01:38 PM

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Subject: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Why does 'king Boris wear
 red   white  &  blue  braces?









to keep his trousers up!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:15 PM

Any minute now we'll start with a joke...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:17 PM

Dan Leno - 1878


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:19 PM

Never knowingly understated. Right on cue, Stevie boyo. I started it just to prove the point. I win.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:41 PM

Now that's funny, Mr. Red!

What do you call a disease you catch on Instagram?

Influenza!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:54 PM

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:18 PM

Well in the seventh post of this thread I'll post an actual joke. It's weak, but at least it's a bloody joke. Ahem.


"As far as I'm concerned, autocorrect can go straight to he’ll."


(I told you it was weak...)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:42 PM

lol, Donuel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 07:55 AM

What is the difference between a magicians wand and an officers night stick?    The wand is for cunning stunts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 08:34 AM

...a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

A tractor has hydraulics, whereas a giraffe has high...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:22 AM

. . . between a New Year's day reveller and a mountain goat?
On mucks about in the fountains.

. . . a costermonger and a dog with no hind legs?
One bawls out his wares.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:37 AM

We seem to have had many of these before: Spoonerisms


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 01:48 PM

If a snowman loses his temper, is he having a meltdown?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:30 AM

It's not a snowman. It's a snow-woman.

...


...

...

's no balls.



DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:40 AM

I think you are mistaken. Absence of balls on snow people is down to cold weather shrinkage.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:03 AM

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, But that would explain the suitcase."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:35 AM

That's a lovely baby you have there!

Thank you! He's very nice and smiley...

Ooo, is he?

And he always feeds really well...

Ooo, does he?

Yes, and he sleeps through the night, mostly!

Ooo, does he?

Yes, but he doesn't half cry sometimes...

Ooo, does he?

Yes he does. Bawls like a bull....

Ooo, has he?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 10:49 AM

Vin Diesel only eats 2 meals a day:
Breakfast
Breakfurious


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:21 PM

Ye gods...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:44 PM

lol, Mrrzy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 01:03 PM

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her full-length bedroom mirror stark naked while her husband reclined in bed.

"Oh my God, look at me!" she wailed. Wrinkles everywhere, bags under my eyes, bat's wings, my arse looks like a burst bag of broad beans and my tits are nearly touching the floor! For God's sake cheer me up and say something nice about me!"

"Well," he said, "your eyesight is perfect..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 08:32 PM

Little girl is on a train ride with her grandad.

She looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, moo-cows!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up, is it? In future, just say 'cows!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later she looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, baa-lambs!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up either, is it! In future, just say 'lambs!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later, grandad looks at the book that the little girl is reading and says, "That looks like a very nice book, my dear. What's it called?"

"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

Dogs have been known to watch TV. Good ol McGruff loves to watch Lawn and Odor but hates bad boy bad boy, watcha gonna do when they come for you...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:52 PM

Well aren't you just a laugh a minute...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 05:40 PM

The teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the bible story of Adam and Eve.

"Now do you remember from last time who I told you was the very first man?"

After a slight pause, little Jimmy's hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

Very good, Jimmy! Now can anyone tell me the name of the very first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along now! I'll give you a clue. Think of the serpent..."

Silence...

"OK, another clue. Someone must remember her name...Think of the apple..."

Little Mary's hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 07:05 PM

There were some crackers in our crackers this year - even some I’d never heard before. But it’s late and I can’t remember, so you’ll have to wait until the morning now.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 07:29 PM

Well there were terrible "jokes" in our crackers too. Some were so bloody awful that I thought they must've been written by Americans...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 04:14 AM

Well, if we're into Bible stories, and more or less seasonal ones at that:

Teacher asks her class to draw a picture illustrating some aspect of the Nativity story, and encourages them to use their imaginations rather than just copy the usual Christmas-card stuff. So one little girl draws an aeroplane, with four passengers.

"That's interesting dear, what part of the Christmas story is that?"
"Please Miss, it's the Flight Into Egypt."
"Ah. In that case, I think I can guess who the people are, but you tell me anyway."
"Well, there's Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus, and up in front, that's Pontius the Pilot."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:11 AM

Cracker 1:
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycyle?
Answer: Attire


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:16 AM

Oy


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:33 AM

Good one, Tattie.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

Americans have not discovered crackers in that sense. Our loss.

What do you call a kid who won't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 10:02 AM

A teacher of religious studies asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Jimmy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “In the bathroom? What a strange place for Jesus to be! What makes you think that?”

Little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

Magic works in mysterious ways;
"Magic mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor..."

It worked: his legs dropped off...A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in carnal activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 11:34 AM

My wife said, God, these shoes are hurting me...

I said, You've got them on the wrong feet...

She said, But these are the only feet I've got...

(Thanks, Tommy Cooper!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Late for a very important meeting, a visitor asked, What floor are we on?
The information desk clerk replied "linoleum".
Ah... what floor is the CEO on?
"florentine marble"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 02:07 PM

Crime in multi-storey car parks: wrong on so many different levels...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM

Bob Newhart told Bob Saggett "You have to be careful with your blue dirty jokes, its like a pillow fight with death, you have to expect reaper cushions." Saggett said, I'm having an affair with your wife Bob.
"Enjoy her Covid Bob"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 02:29 PM

would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villOnce upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he agers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 02:31 PM

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 03:32 PM

Sorry for the printing mistake on my previous post... here it is again as it should be.                         Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM

Bob Saget


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

What's the punch line? Dead celebrity?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 05:46 PM

Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 06:27 PM

My father said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 07:38 PM

The sign at the bottom of the escalator said DOGS MUST BE CARRIED.

I couldn't use it: I didn't have a dog...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 08:11 PM

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back, doctor..."

The doctor said, "It's just old age, my dear."

The woman said, "What! I demand a second opinion!"

The doctor said, "OK, you're ugly as well..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 08:35 PM

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What covid is doing is just plaguerism.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 02:50 PM

Perhaps a few of these might get a laugh.....Collected over many years....


. Think I must have paid for my meal out today with my ‘Donor’ card… It cost me an arm and a leg.

I applied for a great job at Citroen but they wanted 2CVs.

A man was in court today for damaging books by putting Tippex over all the full stops. He got a long sentence.

Traffic warden who had passed away was being buried. Suddenly his voice came from the coffin. ‘’Let me out, let me out. I’m not dead’’. The vicar leaned down and said ‘’Sorry sir it’s too late, I’ve done the paperwork’’

Last night, the local cinema was robbed of goods to the value of £200. The thieves took 2 bags of popcorn, a combo meal, two bars of chocolate and a large bottle of coke!!

I had a phobia of speed bumps when I was driving which I slowly got over.

One of the joys of talking to yourself is that someone is always listening!

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was just checking his balance.

At school I loved geography but I could never find the classroom.

I didn’t like history at school. Just glad it’s a thing of the past.

Was going to join a weight watchers website but decided not to when they told me I had to accept cookies. I think it was a test!!.

Buying a brand new 50 inch television. It is reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could I turn it down.

I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer Songwriter.

Local Chinese druggie just asked me ‘’Have you seen my cocaine’’? I replied,No…. not since he was in ‘The Italian Job’ !!

Just thought you should know, I’m in Hospital for eating what I thought was an onion but it was daffodil bulb. They say I’ll be out in the Spring.

I remember once telling my ex that I would never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on a machine and fluids from a bottle and if it ever happened, she should pull the plug. She unplugged the computer and threw my beer down the sink!!!!

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I said ‘’It’s the last thing I need!

I asked my grandfather , after 65 yrs together, why he always called my grandmother ‘Darling’ and ‘Gorgeous’ all the time. He said ‘’I forgot her name a long time ago and am afraid to ask’’!!

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!

Went to see my dentist again this morning and as usual she looked down in the mouth!.

Asked my ex what she wanted me to do with the left over bubble wrap. She said ‘’Just pop it in the utility room’’… It took me nearly an hour!!

A blonde friend rang the RSPCA today to tell them she had just found six puppies in a suitcase at the side of the road....
"Are they moving?" asked the operator....
"I'm not sure" she replied, "But that would explain the suitcase”....

I used my discount card to clear the ice off my windscreen this morning but it only took 40% off!

Since my doctor told me to go on his diet I have put a lot of weight on. What with my diet and his as well I guess it’s no wonder!

In the swimming baths, I was having a crafty wee in the deep end. The attendant blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!.

It said on the news today that three cliff walkers have fallen to their death. Amazing that it’s three people who have the same name.

I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would work but I stand corrected!!

A weasel walked into a pub. ‘’What can I get you’’? said the landlord . ‘’Pop’’ goes the weasel.

My friend went to a healing session last night. He said it was so bad that even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out!.

Went to see a gynaecologist friend yesterday....It was his day off so he was decorating his hall... through the letterbox

I was considering becoming vegetarian but was told it would be a big missed steak.

I gave up my job crushing ‘Coke’ cans because it was soda pressing!

My lawn is bird proof.. it’s impeccable.

A bear couldn’t decide whether or not he liked snow… I think he was a bi-polar bear.

I’m taking steps to avoid elevators.

Doctor told me it wasn’t good to keep things bottled up. so I’m just finishing the third bottle of wine.

I only recognise 25 letters in the alphabet and I don’t know ‘Y’.

For pharmacists, alcohol is not a problem… it’s a solution.

Is it true that electricians have to strip to make ends meet?

To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.

Dogs aren’t allowed to operate scanners but apparently catscan.

Mountains aren’t funny. They’re Hill areas.

I’ve always thought that double negatives are always a no-no.

Is the opposite of wrinkly….. Irony?

The problem with Political jokes is they sometimes get elected.

Is being afraid of santa… claustrophobic?

A lorry full of Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M1 today but the road was not congested.

Someone has been adding topsoil to my allotment!!! The plot thickens…

A new tomb has been discovered in Egypt and the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. They believe it is the remains of Pharaoh Rocher.

I took several old pocket watches and joined them together to make a unique belt. `~~~~~~~Really it was a waist of time.

Before crowbars were invented, most crows drank at home!!

My ex said ‘’I don’t understand what cloning is’’. I said ‘’That makes two of us’’

My friend once asked me what the secret of my happy marriage was. I said ‘’Chemistry’’……. ‘’I am on vallium and she’s on Prozac.

I was queueing for the bus this morning with a very large/overweight lady in front of me. Her phone began to ring and the young boy behind and to the side of me, pulled me backwards very quickly as he said 'Look out, she's reversing.

Got fired from the calendar factory…. all I did was take day off!!!

There have been several reports over the past few days of a spate of muggings by a 'mechanical man'. It's probably a wind-up.

When I was younger I was wanted for my body…… Now I’m older, the only people who want my body are the finders of my ‘Donor’ card.

A man was in court today for stealing a calendar… He got twelve months!!!

I told my ex she was really like dandruff….. I couldn’t get her out of my hair.

I heard that some monkeys are sharing an Amazon account…. does that mean they’re Prime mates?

I told my ex… Next door always kisses her husband before he goes to work, why don’t you do that’’? She said ‘’Well I don’t really know him’’

When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo….. I
really had to put my foot down!

My ex once asked me to help her with a jigsaw saying it was supposed to be a tiger. I replied ‘’Will you please put the Frosties back in the box’’

On my birthday last year, I opened one of my cards and rice fell everywhere. It was from Uncle Ben.

I stood looking at my orange squash bottle for an hour today….. it said ‘Concentrate’ !!

My ex wife asked me what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. I said ‘’I don’t know and I don’t care!!.

I used to have a phobia about walking under chestnut trees but at last I’ve conkered it!!

I asked the lion what it was doing in my wardrobe.. the reply I got was ‘’It’s Narnia business’’!!

I have a new job in which I get paid to sleep… it’s a dream job.

I started my weight training with two 5lb potato sacks, then worked up to 10lb potato sacks, then 20lb potato sacks, eventually I was using 56lb potato sacks..... then it hit me that my next move could be to put potatoes in them.

I once worked for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged…


When I told my doctor that I thought I was shrinking, he suggested I should be a little patient.

Yesterday I decided to do nothing and today I continued to as I hadn’t finished yesterday. I’m no quitter.

My friend always hid from exercise…. he claimed he was on a ‘’fitness protection programme’’

Awww the days when my dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down the hill. They were goodyears.

My parents always struggled to put food on the table…. they were dwarves.

She said she was looking for a man with personality… I told her how lucky she was as I have several.

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. All agreed that he should have had a second coat!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 04:45 PM

Tour de force there, mate, and every one a joke! Alleluia!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 06:00 PM

Whew, that was a Marathon. Thanks for all the laughs, Georgiansilver.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 06:22 PM

I was standing at the bar in the pub when a bloke sidled up to me and said, sort of confidentially, "Hey, mate, between you and me we've got five bollocks."

I said, "Why, have you only got the one?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 06:38 AM

Did you hear about the man with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 10:28 AM

Since you appreciated the marathon of one liners.... here are some more which are all connected with singers/groups.

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. ‘’It’s a little fit bunny’’.

My friend Joe went on the ‘Dolly Parton’ diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.


I just received a confirmation text that I have won £200 or tickets for an Elvis tribute night…….. it said to press ‘’One for the money, two for the show’’

Joined a Carpenters study group last week. Not done anything yet ‘’We’ve only just begun’’.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 10:31 AM

And a few more.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 12:48 PM

lol again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

While all these were posted before its always nice to see old friends.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM

"I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’"

A variant: Sean Connery told me he'd sold all his books. He told me, "I just don't know what to do with my shelf."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 04:32 PM

bumper stickers;
I brake for the vaccinated
Save the Ales
Leading cause of death -God
Jesus was jabbed -how bout U?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 04:47 PM

Tshirt: I identify as vaccinated


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 05:21 PM

Q-BGL = identifies as dyslexicrazy


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

It's a joke thread. Just thought I'd mention it. Again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 03:33 AM

Washington Post neologisms:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Lol


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 08:36 AM

No joke for Steve https://www.forbes.com/sites/ajherrington/2022/01/11/study-finds-cannabis-compounds-prevent-infection-by-covid-19-virus/?sh=7a09


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 10:19 AM

I've already read that. Far too much crucial information missing about the "research" in my opinion, and talk about a misleading headline..

A bit of a joke really, so I suppose it belongs here.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

I melted all my Pink Floyd vinyls, cast them into a rectangular block and stuck that into a hole in the facade - now it is just another brick in the wall.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:35 PM

Btw, thanks for all the one-liners.
I am quite proud of me - for understanding most of the puns without using a dictionary (I'm not a native English speaker)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:59 PM

German, right?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 02:22 PM

yes, Donuel, I am German (or more exact: Bavarian)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 07:56 PM

— What is the difference between a Turk and a Bavarian?

— The Turkish person can speak better German.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 09:44 AM

Donuel, you got Saxons and Bavarians mixed up ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:10 AM

(Bavaria has a very strong dialect that is a sort of middle point between Hochdeutsch and Swiss German?) Dialects do fade over time.

A German and an American are building houses. They place a bet on whose house will be finished first. After four weeks, the American announces triumphantly, ‘Only 14 days and my NY house is finished!’ to which his German friend excitedly replies, ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can get started, I'm still waiting for the bomb survey’

ps A Bavarian luthier sold me the best cello I ever had.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 11:14 AM

Beethoven's 9th;
"It was the bottom of the 9th and the bassists were loaded."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:30 PM

I told my girlfriend "I am going to make you mine."

She said "Lovely!"

I handed her a pickaxe.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 06:05 PM

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


Iron Man is a superhero, whereas Iron Woman is an instruction.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:13 PM

Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 04:44 AM

Iron man has an iron will.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 05:34 AM

"Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much."

You have demonstrated over many years that you have yet to appreciate that humour is multi-layered. In fact, you have yet to learn what a joke is. Thanks for the barb anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 07:16 AM

My ex wife told me one evening. 'Tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'...... I replied 'Fantastic, but you can do your own packing'!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 08:07 AM

A man rushes into the house and shouts to his wife:
"Pack the suitcases! I've come up big-time on the lottery".
"Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" she asks.
"I don't care what what you take", he replies, "just pack your bags and clear off!"


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 10:33 AM

Man goes into living room and sez to his missus, "Come on, love, get your coat on..."

"Ooh, good! Are we going somewhere nice?"

"No, I'm off to the pub and I'm turning the heating off..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 12:50 PM

When my ex-wife ran off with by best buddy I was totally devastated.....I really missed him!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 07:30 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.

I went to a meeting of the ‘Premature Ejaculators support group today but arrived too soon.

The Autopsy club will meet on Friday for an ‘Open Mike’ night.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 08:51 AM

And the time travelers' club will meet last Wednesday.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 10:55 AM

"Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time I was in the waiting room at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-ray on my shoulder. A doctor who was also a drinking buddy of mine sailed through the waiting room, and spotting me sitting there, called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh hi, Steve, I didn't realise that the impotence clinic was running today!" and promptly disappeared through a side door, leaving me with a bunch of other patients staring at me curiously...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 02:15 PM

Ha Ha Steve!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:00 PM

3 employees were watching the funeral pyre of their mutual boss.
They each commented on the momment.
"Look at the wonderful light the pyre casts"
"For me its the glorious warmth"
"If you can't smell that you both might have Covid!'


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Off topic. It's a joke thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 02:20 PM

A business executive had a cute secretary, and he asked if she could "do some extra work over the weekend". She knew exactly what he meant, but didn't mind, and said she would. Boss says, "great, we'll work aboard my yacht". She says, "oh dear, I get really seasick!" He says "don't worry, I'll take care of it."
So he stops at the drugstore and asks for dramamine and condoms. The druggist says, "If it makes you sick, why
do you do it?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

Chap goes to a fancy dress party carrying a naked young woman on his back.

"Good grief! Said the host, "So what have you come as?"

"A tortoise!" replied the chap.

"So, er, what's she doing on your back...?"

"That's Michelle!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:31 PM

its a floor wax and a dessert topping


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:43 PM

mmm good


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

A man is looking in a catalogue for a costume for a fancy dress party. He finds the perfect one - Adam - and sends off his order. After a few days, he receives a small fig leaf but sends it back with a note:
"Dear sirs,
       Please send me a larger fig leaf. This one
is not big enough to cover my requirements.
Yours sincerely, "

He receives the replacement but, again, returns it saying that it was not large enough to cover his requirements.

The same thing occurred with the large, XL and XXL sizes. Each time he returned it as not being large enough to cover his requirements.

Eventually, the supplier wrote to him offering him a custom made, quadruple extra large size, adding
"This is the largest size we are able to make. If this does not suffice, we suggest that you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump."


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 09:08 AM

"Doctor, I'm having real trouble pronouncing my Fs and THs..."

"Well, you can't say fairer than that, then..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:33 AM

Doctor came into the ward to see a patient recovering from surgery.

"I have good news and bad news," sez the doc.

"So what's the good news, Doc??"

"Well, in the end we only had to remove half of your leg!"

"That's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

I went to the doctor. He told me I had hypochondria.

I said wearily, "Well I might as well have it. I've got everything else..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:20 PM

After his operation, Bill was told by the surgeon that he had some bad news and good news for him.....firstly, unfortunately they had made a mistake and removed his good leg. However the good news was that his bad leg was getting better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:30 PM

Doctor is saying to patient, ""Good news and bad - the good news is that I found the pills that will help you, but you'll have to take one a day for the rest of your life."

Chap says, "Oh, at least I'm alive, so I don't mind that!"

But looking at the bottle of pills he notices that there are only two in the bottle, and he looks back up at the doc.

"Ah yes," says the doc, "I haven't got round to the bad news yet..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 08:24 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!"


Hey, Lone Ranger, what time is it?

Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten...


...And where are you going with that car-load of rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 06:37 AM

A big hole opened up in the road outside our local police station. A spokesman for the police said they were looking into it.

-

And some of our cops were seen rehearsing their annual Christmas pantomime round at the local recycling centre. A spokesman for the police said they were acting on a tip.

-

And then someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilet seats. A spokesman for the police said they had nothing to go on.

(It's the way I tell'em!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 07:02 AM

Man wakes up in a hospital bed after a motorcycle accident, and Screams:
"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"No sir, we amputated your hands!"

_______________________________________________________


Woman gets a phone call from the local A&E unit:
"Mrs Jones, your husband is here, he had an accident at work and we've had to amputate his finger."

"His whole finger?"

"No, the one next to it!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 09:39 AM

The police canine centre was broken into last night and numerous items taken. A police spokesman said they definitely have no leads.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:46 AM

I've been a copper for twenty years. Anyone who tries to tell me that the police are corrupt can kiss my Rolex.

A policeman looks down at his stomach. He mutters to it, "You're under a vest..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:51 AM

A woman is in court, accused of killing her husband by hitting him over the head with his guitar.

The judge peered up at her over his specs and said, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, Your Honour. First a Les Paul, THEN a Fender..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 11:04 AM

Ken Dodd, one of my all-time favourites, once said "I'm not saying thatm I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped me mother..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 05:59 PM

Then a Fender... A+


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:00 AM

Donuel, I suspect that many, if not most, people on this side of the pond cannot see why your last post is humourous. Could you please explain.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:20 AM

I think he was giving the guitar joke an A-star, Raggtytash. Sadly, not a Shaw original, though I wish it was. I sent it to my guitar-playing lad this morning and he nearly fell off his chair. You do have to know what a Les Paul is first, though, and if you have to explain it, either before or after telling the joke, well, er, the moment has passed...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:17 AM

Well I did fall off my chair and busted a mirror that could give me seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:24 AM

If mods ever read these these threads, for example to take time off from obsessing over our one-and-only Brit thread, may I plead with them to remove the extraneous letter m from my Ken Dodd joke...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:46 AM

Bloke starts a new job looking after a chipping machine in a potato processing plant. The gaffer tells him that it often jams but he must never put his arm in to free it.

Of course on the first day it jams and he sticks his arm in to free it with subsequent loss of limb. His co-workers pack the arm in a plastic bag and rush him to the hospital. Next day, arm stitched back on, he is in work bright and early. The manager reminds him that he must never put his arm in so when it next jams he tries freeing the blades by stamping on the blockage.

Surprise, surprise. He loses his leg. As before, his work mates pack the leg in ice in a plastic bag and rush him to hospital again. Next morning he astounds everyone by waltzing in as if nothing had happened. The gaffer, getting a bit wiser, tells him to never put a limb in the machine. At the next jam he heeds the advice and tries to headbutt the blockage to force it through. Well, as you can imagine, he is decapitated so his pals put his head on ice in a plastic bag and take him to hospital.

The next day he doesn't turn up so the boss nips round to the hospital to find that the poor chap had suffocated...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

Two dim wits are sitting in lawn chairs in one of their back yards, knocking back beer after beer on a warm summer night ... just staring at the stars in the sky.

After a while, one turns to the other and says wistfully:

"So what do yah figure is farther ... Florida, or the Moon?"

The other one laughs & says to his friend:

"You know ... you're a f--king idiot. Can you SEE Florida?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:31 AM

I'm singin' in Ukrain, just singin' in Ukraine
What a glorious feeling It's Crimea again.
I'm laughing at smoke, so dark afar
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for war

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place
Come on with the tanks, I've got troops on my flanks.
I'll walk down the trench with a gun in my clench
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Why am I smilin' and why do I cling?
Why does February seem sunny as Spring?
Why do I get up each morning to start shooting
And get up with mud in my gun?
Why is each new attack, so fun to do?
cause I am living a life of Russain troops

I'm clingin' to Ukraine, just clingin' to Ukraine
What a glorious feeling we're Russain again.
I'm laughing at smoke so dark above
The sun's in the sky and I'm ready to die.

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place.
Come on with the ice, I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:03 PM

And the punch line is what?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:31 PM

You, apparently.

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I think I have a split personality, said Steve, being frank.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:57 PM

Oi, mate, just count the number of real jokes that I've posted in this thread!! Let's all stick to jokes from now on, shall we? Tell your pal!

Chap goes to the doctor who tells him he has good news and bad news.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good news, Doc!"

"Well, this is the last annual prostate examination you'll be needing..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:32 PM

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I agree.

Mrrzy, what was the joke that you added? I seem to have missed it.



I think I have a split personality .....

That makes four of us.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:35 PM

Sorry Mrrzy. I've just seen the Steve/Frank connection. I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 03:44 PM

I agree with you, Doug. Me too.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 07:53 PM

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 09:31 PM

Snicker at you two!

Apparently Paris rarely floods.

That's because the water is normally l'eau.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 10:19 PM

Would it still be permissible to repeat the old one about the L-n-t-c who drowned himself while in Paris? Punchline, "he was in Seine"/"insane". Scared to write the "L Word" in full, or tell this weak pun in public, lest someone seize the opportunity to take offence at the essential word.

Much prefer the one about the Frenchman seeing the tide rising and saying, "Merci", though the play on sounds might only be instantly understood in Scotland.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:40 PM

Why do the French have a single egg at a time?

Because one egg is an œuf.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 03:06 AM

There was once a mother cat with four kittens who, for reasons which need not concern us, were named Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre. Their story ends tragically.
One cold winter's day their local pond froze over, and they went out to play on the ice. However the ice was too thin, and it broke, and Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre - cinq!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 04:24 AM

Your jokes are in Seine, Mrzzy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 05:45 AM

L-n-t-c ??       the "L Word" ???

Give me a clue, please!




What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 06:39 AM

One egg is un œuf surely?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:25 AM

He was a good egg until he cracked.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Humpty Dumpty and Chicken Licken have just made love and are lying back, enjoying a post-coital cigarette. Humpty says:

"At least we know the answer to the question."


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 10:18 AM

Excuse me, this is a joke thread, not a yolk thread. :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:50 AM

My mate Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean Joe lean...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

Oh I am reminded of this old chestnut:

Remember Divine Brown, with whom Hugh Grant was caught canoodling? Apparently back when that story broke, Bill Gates was smitten with her, and got Hugh to set them up for an evening.

Afterwards, Bill says dreamily, I can see where you got the name Divine.

And I, said Divine, see where *you* got the name...

...Microsoft.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:10 PM

I was in a bar yesterday and saw three rather obese ladies talking. I heard an accent and thought they must be Scottish, so I said ‘’ Are you three lassies from Scotland?. They chorused back rather nastily, ‘’WALES’’. I said ‘’ OK, are you three Whales from Scotland’’? That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in hospital!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:19 PM

I told the doctor I couldn't get the song "Green green grass of home" out of my head

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome and when I asked if that was common he said "It's not unusual"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 02:08 PM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). A twinkle came into elephants eye as he agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred you shnake.!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 03:40 PM

One egg is un œuf surely?

A good egg's ample?


I heard a true pun tonight on R4 (or 4extra)- Sally Philips' friend is a Yarn Bomber and goes by the pseudonym of.............

Deadly Knit Shade


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 11:57 AM

A bloke rang his mate to tell him that he had two bits of bad news.

"Don't mess about," said his mate, "Just blurt them both out at once!"

"OK, I'll tell you then...Your wife is cheating on both of us..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 12:06 PM

Bob and Mick had both been keen footballers. But, sadly, Bob was on his deathbed.

"Sez Mick, "Promise me that when you get to heaven you'll send me down a message to tell me whether they play football in heaven," to which Bob agreed.

So Bob died and went to heaven. A few days later, a ghostly voice appeared to Mick in his dreams. It was Bob...

"Mick, great news! They DO play football in heaven!"

"...But the bad news is, you're in goal on Friday..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 04:23 PM

Speaking of football, I have been watching the African Cup of Nations (sorry, Côte d!Ivoire!) and in this game with Mali there are 2 refs, one much taller. Equatorial Guniea was, unsuccessfully, calling for a foul, and the guilty-looking opponent was fiddling around behind the line...

Don't waste time in the back, Mali,
The big ref said to play on!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:07 PM

Liverpool have three of their star players (Mo Salah Egypt, Naby Keïta Guinea, Sadio Mané Senegal) in that competition. We are literally pooping our pantalons in case they come back injured. At the same time, it's a wonderful competition. I can only take in so much football and at the moment the season is so thrilling that I'm watching three or four domestic or European games per week. If I watched the African competition as well, Mudcat be bereft of my contributions. And that would be no joke... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

WOULD be bereft!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:57 PM

Have I missed something or were the two posts above (at 4:23pm and 5:07pm) focussed purely on (yawn!) football?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.


Still, followimng the principle of "At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!"

It was the birds versus insects football match. Within 5 minutes the birds scored their first goal. Another quarter of an hour saw two more goals and by half time, the insects were down 5 - nil. The second half saw the birds add yet another two goals. With 15 minutes to go, the insects made a substitution. A beetle came off and the centipede came on. Within a minute he had scored. Then another and another. Like a tornado, he moved across the pitch scoring goal after goal. By the final whistle, the insects had won 10 - 7.

After the match, the two coaches were talking. The birds coach said what fantastic player the centipede was and asked his opposite number why he hadn't been brought on earlier.

"Oh, he's a fantastic player, alright," said the insect coach, "but it takes him that long to get his boots on".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:09 PM

Well I've posted so many quality jokes in this thread, Doug (count 'em!), that I feel I might be permitted a slight, benign diversion in order to address Mrrzy's excellent though off-topic point about football. I can only conclude from your curmudgeonly intervention that you must be a Man U fan. Very sad.

And that last joke of yours is so old that I'm guessing that it was first told to Methuselah by Noah...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:21 PM

... you must be a Man U fan.

Not any sort of fan. I don't even know which end the wickets go.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 07:08 PM

Your loss, pal, and that's no joke!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 10:31 PM

Mine *was* a joke.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 04:15 AM

Oh!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 06:25 AM

One of Barry Cryer's favourite jokes, in honour of that great funnyman:

"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.

"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:32 AM

I guess "Don't waste time in the back, Mali, The big ref said to play on!" is a pun but I can't figure it out yet!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

Big Muddy.

Anyway, why don't grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 01:15 PM

You wouldn't get Barry Cryer telling that one. :-(


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:18 PM

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”


The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 09:19 PM

A horse went into a bar during happy hour and ordered a pint. The horse paid the really cheap happy hour price and started to drink his pint.

Eventually the barman said to the horse, "Hey, mate, you've just enjoyed a nice cheap pint in my nice warm pub, so why the long face?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 06:02 AM

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken tested positive.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:37 AM

I swear he's dense , look at the way the light bends around him!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic).


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:54 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic) - excuses, excuses. Wouldn't wash today!

If I said I was discalculic - would that count?

But I can count up to 2...............
I'll get my coat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:43 AM

A weasel walked into a bar. 'What are you drinking;;? asked the barman. 'Pop' goes the weasel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three
to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've
got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing
all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.   His jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Feb 22 - 06:50 AM

Edge and Bono walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, “Not U2 again!”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:20 PM

Right Honourable Lord Justice Shawp listened intently to a 10 year old who claimed his mother beat him, his father beat him and even his only other relative great aunt Liz beat him. Against protocol the judge asked the young man who he preferred to be his Guardian.
He said Manchester United, they don't beat anybody.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:32 PM

So as protect you from Raggytash, I should inform you that Manchester United are currently fifth in the English Premier League, arguably the top domestic league in the world. They topped their group in the group stage of this year's Champions League, arguably the greatest club competition in the word, and are playing in the last 16 this week. Do keep up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:41 PM

Joke thread, Steve.

At the Super Bowl a man notices an empty seat. Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:56 PM

That's a good 'un! Reminds me of the Billy Connolly one about the bloke who buried his wife in the front garden, leaving her bum sticking out. His mate asked him why he'd buried her with her bum sticking out. "Well I've got to have somewhere to park my bike!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 03:45 AM

Manchester United, they don't beat anybody. aka Manchester Untidy

A bit like Aston Vanilla - easily licked. (by Birmingham Titty &/or West Bromwich Ambulances)

I could have added Preston Both Ends, Rent A Sunderland & Acrid Tone Stanley, with apologies to US readers for being too parochial


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 04:14 AM

Or, as Billy Connolly said about his boyhood local club, he always thought its name was "Partick Nil."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 05:59 AM

Too parochial? Then go political instead! Manchester Citeh? Chelski?


I haven't worked one out for Paris St Germain as yet...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:27 AM

An Asylum seeker arrived at Dover to be met by a Government fairy who offered him three wishes. The asylum seekers first wish is for food and a good meal appears before him. His second wish was for good and large accommodation and a lovely large four bedroomed house with a swimming pool was readily available. For his third wish he asks to be a British citizen and everything vanishes…… ‘’Where has it all gone’’?, he asks the fairy. She replied ‘’You are a British citizen now so you’re entitled to nothing’’!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:44 AM

The White Nationalist 'Mein Koch' Cookbook has added new recipes to their white bread and mayonaise classic; KKKabbage slaw, Gazpacho Police Soup, Schindler's Bisque, Marjorie Greene's tossed salad,
Lynched Chicken Filet, Broth Keepers Chili and Proud Big Boy's Burger.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 09:55 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

A bloke in the pub was bragging about his successful marriage. His mate asked him what his secret was.

He said, "Well, for our 25th anniversary I took her on a surprise luxury trip to the South Sea islands..."

"Wow, that's great! So what will you be doing for your 50th?"

"Well, I'm going back there to pick her up..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 10:57 AM

A man sits, at a few minutes past midnight, weeping quietly in his kitchen. His wife comes doown and asks, what is up? He answers, it's our 20th anniversary... She starts to tear up. He says, remember how we met? You were 15, I was 18, at that dance? Her tears spill, but she's smiling. Remember how later, your dad caught us in the back of my car? And threatened me with a 20-year sentence for statutory rape?

I'd have gotten out today...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve hopes Manchester City beats Rottingham Hoturds this Saturday.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:00 PM

All I want is see beautiful, flowing football played by two skilled teams, men or women. The only way I can think of putting a joke into this post is by inserting the two words "American football..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:24 PM

I think the NFL is judged/refereed more subjectivly than figure skating. It aint Baseball.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:36 PM

Joke thread?

Why don't helicopters fly in the mornings?

Twirly.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Feb 22 - 03:04 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

From a man who know everything!

(Hint) funny relates to your "sphere of exposure" (aka knowledge). Following the minutia of US politics would explain, but it might shock. Truly shock. You wouldn't believe!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 06:34 AM

The Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 03:24 PM

A group of 40 yr old men met and were discussing where they should have lunch. They agreed to meet at The Black Horse because the barmaids had big breasts and wore mini skirts. They met again aged 50 and decided on the Black horse again as the waitresses were attractive , the food was good and they had great beer. Aged 60 they met again and decided on the Black Horse again because it had good parking, the music was not too loud and it was good value for money. Aged 70 they met again and decided on the Black Horse because there was good wheelchair access and they had a toilet for the disabled. Aged 80, they met again and decided on the Black Horse for lunch as they had never tried there before.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 04:46 AM

Knock knock
Who's there?
Grand Dad
.
.
.
.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!!



Barry Cryer


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

I told Bill Withers that ‘’Aint no Sunshine’’ was not good grammar…… He replied ‘’I know, ,I know, I know, I know, I know.’’


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 06:44 PM

That grandad one has had me quietly belly-laughing all day!

Here's another Barry joke:

An 82-year-old man goes to his doctor. “I want a complete physical examination. I’m about to get married,” says the old man.

“How old are you?” the doctor asks.

“I’m 82 and she’s 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything’s working properly,” says the old man.

The doctor says, “24! Well, I’ll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.”

“Yes, yes, what a good idea,” says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. “Did you get married?” asks the doctor. “How’s your young bride?”

“She’s pregnant,” says the old man proudly.

“And, erm, how’s the lodger?” says the doctor nervously.

“She’s pregnant too,” says the old man...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:57 AM

Overheard in a bar in Rome circa AD 45

Galdiator 1  A Martinus, bar tender.
Bar Tender  Did you mean Martini ?
Galdiator 1  If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for one


Gladiator 2  calls for 5 beers and holds up two fingers separated

OK, № 2 is a visual joke, two fingers one hand. From Victoria Coren-Mitchel


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 07:29 PM

I had a friend, his girlfriend was a midget.

He was nuts over her.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 09:05 PM

Your first one is a cracker, your second one is in serious need of a rethink.

Picasso was burgled, and he did a drawing of the robbers. The police arrested a horse and two sardines.   (Kudos, Barry Cryer!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:29 AM

A Desperate Ukrainian posted 'Mercedes for Sale @ $10'
No one responded, until an old man needed anything to evacate.
A Lady sold him a Maybach Mercedes with 12,000 Kms, for $10.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, tell me why was this car so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased Russain husband, it's written that the money from the sale of his Mercedes would go to Russain veterans.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:39 AM

Jesus wept.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:27 AM

Mods please change the title of this thread to The Critic Corner :^~


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:41 AM

I used to think I was really good in bed, then I discovered that all my girlfriends had asthma.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:45 AM

That was one from the great Ken Dodd. Here's another:

"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:46 AM

How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:51 AM

And another Doddy one:

"We went to see a topless lady ventriloquist last night. Nobody saw her lips move..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:53 AM

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Dunno. It's never been tried...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:00 AM

If it wasn't for scatological, religion and alcoholic jokes, Seve' would have no holy shit drunk jokes at all and would only make fun of gender and race.

Prince Andrew was a mite in shining armour.
Now e's just a dick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:09 AM

What do Newquay plastics and Cornish pasties have in common?
They're both made in Cornwall.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:31 AM

Judge Judy: There is a reason God gave you one mouth and two ears, now shut up.
Defendant: Your honor, some people talk out of their ass.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 11:44 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and the Ukraine thread for talking about our concerns and fears regarding the terrible situation there instead of making up silly names for a brutal dictator?

Anyway, here's a joke:

I tried to phone up the spiritual leader of Tibet, but the next day I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-Llama.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 02:50 AM

Jesus wept.

so would you with nails in your hands


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 05:57 AM

I'm no Bible scholar but I believe the weeping referred to (in the shortest verse of the Gospels, apparently) was on a different occasion. I haven't got a Bible to hand so I can't nail that right now... (see what I did there?)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 06:37 AM

Sadly, Radio 3 has just been playing some of that shite jazz (which is most of it in my intolerant and prejudiced opinion), and it reminded me of this old chestnut:

Q. What's the difference between rock music and jazz?

A. Rock music has three chords and an audience of thousands, whereas jazz has thousands of chords and an audience of three.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 09:43 AM

A banjo player and a piano accordion player are playing a New Year's Eve gig at a local club. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other, then the club owner, and the banjo player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 01:00 AM

What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 08:17 PM

Hershey chocolate is absolutely no joke, I can assure you. Unfortunately, it's available here.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

My ex-wife and I were driving through North Wales when we went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
We were not so much arguing as having a heated discussion on the pronunciation of the place name, when we saw a ‘Burger King’. We decided to stop and eat and at the same time ask a local how to pronounce the name. Whilst my ex was ordering the food, I asked a blonde member of the staff if she could help by pronouncing the name of the place we were in but syllable by syllable and slowly. She said ‘’Certainly Sir’’ The name of the place we are in is………………………
BBuuuuuurrrrrggggggeeeeerrrrrrr KKKKiiinnnnnggg.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 08:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and not having an inane editorial preface by the mayor of joketown.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if, for a welcome change, you contributed something to this thread that was actually funny?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:45 AM

Yes Mayor. Humphrey will get on that with all deliberate speed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:52 AM

I agree donuel, the self-appointed mayor of joketown needs to be impeached. Let's keep it light and non-judmental.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:14 PM

The Mayor prefers to say the election was overturned. The matter will be ultimately settled in the fullness of time, when the moment is right, upon the recounting of the recounted recounts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:29 PM

Whoa, "non-judgemental".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:46 PM

Well let's just ignore you two silly buggers and consider instead two classic Billy Connolly funnies (read them in his accent for best effect):

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything - I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was 'How are you getting on?'"

Bonnie Prince Charlie: the only man ever to be named after three sheepdogs...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:51 PM

The former Mayor aka The faster master of hereafter disasters was responsible for African style shake down roadblocks called the burley gates by the locals.
Peter Smalls says it was refreshing to see corruption in the light of day and become so transparant.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra back from a US tour.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:17 AM

Putin, during a during a JD Power award ceremony for the troops said: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of my Russia, drop by drop.”


A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Putin, why drag things out? Give it all now.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 04:09 PM

That is in bad taste in what is supposed to be a joke thread. What is the matter with you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:27 PM

On mudcat
an American said I have the freedom to go to the White House and yell Down with Biden. So what, the Russain said. I can go to the Kremlin and yell that too.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:56 PM

Told to me by the magician from the atheist conference:

A magician goes for a blow job. When he's done, his partner says wait, are you really done, there was no ejaculate. Says the magician...

...Check your ear!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 06:20 PM

?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 07:48 PM

Sorry Mzzry you'll have too explain that one to me to.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:32 PM

I got it, Mrzzy. Lol and eeyuhh.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:37 PM

Lol? Really??


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:24 PM

This is a joke thread, not a pissing contest. Lighten up, dude.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:35 PM

Perhaps England does not have table magicians like the US.
Magicians are master distractors. I have been amazed.
Maybe its a trick like this.
Some jokes aren't meant for everyone.
I'm still pondering Bill's Arab joke about a big nostril.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Top pop songs in Russia: Crimea River and Ukraine


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Get a grip, yanks, you're simply confirming the stereotype...

A couple from the great Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctor and told him that I thought I was becoming a kleptomaniac. The doc said, here, take these tablets and if you're no better in a week bring me a colour TV...


I said to the waiter, hey, this chicken you brought me is stone cold. He said, I'm not surprised - it's been dead for two weeks...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:40 AM

The Mayor of Joketown is suspected of Putinesque poisoning of enemy comedians. Invention of jokes has a vastly different definition than repeating and borrowing jokes. Inventors beware.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:54 AM

I look around and I can't see any of these alleged "comedians..." If only we could agree that a joke is something to make us giggle, lighten the mood, mitigate this vale of tears in which we live...not something to make us squirm, feel sick or groan with embarrassment, something we end up wishing we hadn't read... Georgiansilver, where art thou!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:12 AM

Bill Mauldin cartoons banned in Russia.
Black History banned in Oklahoma and Texas.
Sense of humor banned in UK village.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:22 AM

The new medication to mitigate depression and vale of tears is called Screwitall. It comes in a fast acting inhaler or the longer lasting suppository.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 12:55 PM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:19 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach the other day. Half the time I was in floods of. tears, the other half I was laughing my head off. It was an emotional roller-coaster...


I went to buy a train ticket to go to France.
"Eurostar?" said the ticket agent.
"Well, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:31 PM

Ernie in the care home went down to the weekly sing-song. He enjoyed himself, but the care workers were very worried because he kept beginning to fall sideways and they kept having to push him back upright. They were so concerned that they called the doctor to his room after the sing-song.

"Are you feeling OK, Ernie?"

"As right as rain, Doctor!"

"Hmm. Do you like it here, Ernie?"

"I love it, Doc. The only thing is, they won't let me fart..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:53 PM

'Can We Take a Joke' is a film worth watching.

"The duty of a comedian is to find the line and then deliberately cross it".
George Carlin

I expect the right wing to crave censorship but I am surprised that the left wing is now going safe zone for everyone with inane censorship or worse.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 04:16 PM

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped my mother...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:39 AM

How do you determine the gender of an ant       Put it in water ; if it sinks = girl , if it float = buoyant


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:43 AM

A theist and an atheist having a debate about origins . After awhile the atheist host says “. I’ll better go and do the coffee , it won’t make itself “       “    Why not “ says the theist !


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 05:36 AM

Well at least we know that God has a wicked sense of humour: he created bacon then forbade his chosen people from eating it...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 09:25 AM

A pair of Scottish ones.

Q. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

A. Bing sings but Walt disnae...



I went into a Scottish baker's shop. I pointed to a confection in the window and said to the baker, "That looks tasty. Is it a cake or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a cake..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 12:03 PM

The ant joke has reminded me of an incident in my childhood. The family was on holiday, and we ended up at (in?) Poole harbour. My father and mother kept saying: "Look, there's a buoy in the water," but however hard I looked I couldn't see anybody.

Mind you, I've had my revenge on the next generation. There's a certain shape of nose (and an accompanying joke) that I inherited from my father, and bequeathed to my son. Only recently did our daughter tell us that she took ages to work out why the primary-school teachers burst out laughing whenever she said "noses run in our family".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 08:25 PM

"Our Dog hasn't got a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Dreadful."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Apr 22 - 06:56 AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on a gap year in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, but eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Don’t think it was the same elephant.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 22 - 05:31 AM

This went in the wrong thread, so yertis in the right one! Ahem...

Not quite on-topic, but I can't resist. It was my uncle's funeral yesterday (I wasn't close and I didn't go), at Blackley cemetery near Heaton Park. As the coffin slowly disappeared from view, the song played was Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 02:26 PM

Chappel was attacked this morning while performing his comedy.
Chris Rock was there too.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 09:05 PM

Patrick the rest home gigolo is respondsible for a mass spreader event in more ways than one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 05 May 22 - 06:23 AM

Only Chappel's (actually with a double "l") I can think of are former Australian cricketers with Greg probably being the most noted of the brothers. Mind you, Donuel's "jokes" usually have me stumped...?

Anyway, as I can't think of anything better, back to a silly childhood one.

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spider.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 11 May 22 - 05:28 PM

If Freud were alive today he might say "sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 06:56 PM

And the punchline is...?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 07:06 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …...........soda."

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 May 22 - 12:35 PM

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a whisky and soda. 'Why the long face'? asked the barman.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:23 PM

An ass hole authoritarian walked into a bar and everyone else left.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:45 PM

If Michael Bolton is making a comeback. why not Bob Dylan?
Because Michael Bolton is making a comeback.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 06:24 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks "What's this about?"

The barman replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to try it?"

The chap replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 07:41 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the barman even returns with the bill, the man has necked ten of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the fellow finishes his final shot, the barman asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The chap replies, "You'd be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The barman asks, "Why, what do you have?"

The bloke says, "25p..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 11:04 AM

Times have changed. People used to make bathtub gin during prohibition
Now they make internet bathtub baby formula.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:18 PM

Today on MSNBC
Coming up: President Biden on Baby Formula.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:21 PM

Maybe he'll tell us a joke.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 10:28 PM

https://www.davideriknelson.com/sbsb/index.php/2017/10/this-is-a-kinda-rapey-application-of-steve-shaws-psychokinetic-touches/


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:23 AM

That is seriously offensive. You have no judgement, have you? Idiot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:40 AM

Only if you are that Steve Shaw, no?

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.“
-A Shaw, but not Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:03 PM

The intention was transparently obvious. Disingenuousness doesn't suit you. The allusion to rape in a piece with my name in it is utterly disgraceful. Anyway, here's a hearty Irish joke (from the Irish Post, so don't blame me!)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after Mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"He did, Father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:26 PM

There are more Steve Shaws than you can shake a shtick at.
My comic gods know how to find the line and cross it.
You are a Milton Burle joke theif and I am a George.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 03:50 PM

The only thing you are is a confounded bloody idiot. Do keep on showing yourself up. It could become quite enjoyable, though I'm sure the narrative will disappear.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:32 PM

Whatever you say, but I am kind.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:49 PM

You're nothing. You're just an idiot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 May 22 - 05:30 PM

Why do the French eat snails?


......


......


......


They don't like fast food.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 06:04 PM

I wonder exactly how many French people actually do eat snails...or frogs' legs... (not to detract from your excellent joke - at least some of us round here actually know what a joke is...)!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:26 PM

Donuel, your "jokes" do not translate to this side of the pond, if indeed they are jokes.

This has often been a problem for American comedians trying the ply their craft in the UK.

Your link earlier, if it had happened in the UK, would be seen to be in very poor taste (at the least) and would not be found to be "funny" in any way, shape or form.

Steve's jokes are often, to many of us here on this side of the water, old and perhaps jaded but they have the distinct advantage of being funny and sometimes they are downright bloody hilarious.

Perchance you could learn some humour (correct spelling) from him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:29 PM

Just an after thought, do your fellow Americans find them funny.

A genunine question, I am curious.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:24 PM

They may be old and a bit jaded, Raggytash, but they're not as old as some of Jim's were! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:45 PM

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spiky object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend “Hey Paulo, it’s a mine, it’s a mine!” Paulo replies,” OK, Luigi, you can-a have it!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 12:21 PM

A keen gardener had, over the years, built up his hobby into a successful business and was now doing very well for himself; enough, in fact, to provide his daughter with a private education at one of the country’s leading public schools. In spite of this, he had never lost his country ways. When asked for the secret of his success, he would reply loudly “Manure, manure and more manure!”. This caused his prim and proper daughter acute embarrassment.

Knowing that he was likely to be interviewed on television at the upcoming RHS Chelsea Flower Show, she said to her mother, “Oh Mummy, can’t you get him to call it fertilizer?”

“You leave him be, my dear” replied her mother. “It took me nigh on 15 years to get him to call it manure!”

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 01:28 PM

100 years ago an American joke was spawned from the back rooms of Vaudville. In the day people auditioned for the vaudville stage and you never knew what you were going to get. This is a version of the joke that was told only among comedians in private and has evolved over the years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
Olde jokes don't do it for me.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 02:27 PM

comedy roasts including the roast of donald trump
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXo31OBIdUw

dead
comedians
being serious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqPy5SXQ_qw


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 18 May 22 - 06:42 PM

I listened to about 15 seconds of your first post Donuel, not only was it crude it was offensive.

I suspect that if your American brothers and sisters listened to it they would be appalled.

If I was a moderator it would delete the post and censor you for posting it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:05 PM

At least the "olde jokes" can give you a groan or a belly laugh in turns. That link was completely disgusting and I don't know what you think you were doing posting it without giving us a health warning first. One thing's for sure: it has nothing to do with jokes. You are wrecking this thread and it's becoming more and more difficult to get past you and restore the spirit of the thread by telling actual jokes, "olde" or not.

On topic, a groaner perhaps (but still a joke):

"Is there anything great about Switzerland?"

"I don't know, but at least the flag is a big plus..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:16 PM

The link to the comedy roasts, posted above, opens a video titled "The Best of Gilbert Gottfried". If that is the best, I will skip the rest, thank you very much.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 22 - 08:59 AM

I wish a speedy recovery to the tender hearted exposed to the joke 'Aristocrats'. The accepted treatment and remedy is to watch Richard Attenborough twice a day for a week and avoid all contact or mention of of sex and bodiy fluids. Get well soon.

The exposure to this joke may cause wincing groans or seizures depending upon how much a distraction is needed after a tradgedy. The vaccinated suffer mild or no symptoms.
Vaccines are available at andrew/epstien.com


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 10:10 AM

It's not a question of being tender hearted - it's just that I don't want to waste my time on something that simply isn't funny.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 12:01 PM

? ? ?




Back to the joke thread:-

A woman was chatting to her neighbour over the garden fence, discussing their tomato plants. A day or two before, both of them had plants laden with unripe fruit but now his tomatoes were red and ready to pick while hers were still green. She asked him what he done to achieve such a transformation. He said that the night before, he had just got out of the bath and remembered that he needed to put something away in the greenhouse. He went out in just his bathrobe and slippers and as he reached up to put a box on a shelf, his bathrobe fell open, revealing his masculinity. He joked that the tomatoes must have blushed with embarrassment at the sight as overnight they had turned red.

That night, as she was getting ready for bed, she thought that she would give it a try. She went out into the garden and, after checking that no one was around, she opened her dressing wide. The next day she told her neighbour what she had done:

“Did it work?” he asked.

“No!” she replied. “They’re still green but the cucumbers have grown quite a bit.”

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 May 22 - 07:54 PM

Gilbert Godfried and Bob Saget are both deceased now, so they won't be making any new videos. They are an acquired taste.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 22 May 22 - 12:03 PM

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 22 - 09:29 PM

An apple pie, a burger and a cheese sandwich walked into a bar.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't serve food here..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 May 22 - 08:02 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:36 AM

If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:39 AM

There was a gambler from Uoton New Hampshire. Who used a nude dancer
to screw the bet handler. When she bent over he quickly reached over
but did not elude his capture


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 May 22 - 09:06 AM

Anticrastination: putting off something till yesterday.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 22 - 10:44 AM

Pro-procrastination.... after all, why put off until tomorrow, what you can do the day after?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 22 - 11:27 AM

I spent two hours this morning trying to decide whether to procrastinate, but in the end I just put it off.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:05 AM

I figured I'd take a shot.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”

A Foreign exchange student is sobbing under desk
American student: “First time?"

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar? They never get old.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I think is
Betty White.

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?
School shootings have class and mass shootings are Catholic.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:55 AM

Amerika is getting wierd. My brother went to the fights and a hockey game broke out. I went to the mass shooting and a Trump rally broke out.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:58 AM

Instead of polluting this thread, why don't you just start your own thread and call it "bloody bad taste thread?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:00 PM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:35 PM

Possibly from where its been his thumb had a bloody awful bad smell when he would toast "here's mud in your eye".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 25 May 22 - 02:40 PM

There has to be something seriously wrong with someone who can kill those children, there must also be something seriously sick about someone can joke about the killing of 19 children all aged about 9 or 10 years old.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:17 PM

Cheers, Raggytash. I'm really sorry now that I allowed myself to get through that revolting post.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:24 PM

Regarding the sick American psyche, I agree.
They are all just a google away.
The Lt. Govenor of TX calls gun control advocates SICK son ofa bitch assholes and are out of line. I believe the kids were in line when shredded by LEGAL military weapons.

I don't post the ones that said "They're just Blacks and Spics".
Raggytash,
Your empathy is refreshing. Americans are numbed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 05:56 PM

It wasn't about the "sick American psyche." It's about YOUR sick "sense of humour." You need to take responsibility for that post.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 07:32 PM

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then replies, "Your willy is bigger than your brother's..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 08:17 PM

ARE YOU RESPONDSIBLE FOR ALL RACIST, SEXIST, MURDEROUS, BODY SHAMEING, SEXUAL ACT, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE AND RELIGIOUS SACRILEDGE jokes ?
Best to steer clear of those perverted topics. I favor the truth, funny or not.
You are good at repeating sophmoric and grade school humor but live and let live.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:00 AM

You're jealous because you are so utterly unfunny. And you wouldn't know the truth if it reared up and bit you on the arse. And there's no need to shout. Go and find some fellow would-be puritans, sit around telling each other boy-scout jokes and wonder among yourselves why, in a world that's a vale of tears, none of you are laughing.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:04 AM

No I am not jealous I am angry about guns and the people who profit from them and sad for the victims.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:12 AM

Chap went to the doc with a terrible stomach ache.

"I can't understand it, doc. I have a great appetite, I love my grub and now I'm just miserable!"

"So what have you had to eat today so far?"

"Well for breakfast I had six slices of toast, eight fried eggs, five sausages and half a pound mushrooms. Elevenses, three coffees and six or seven chocolate biscuits. For lunch I had two king-size burgers with extra fries and bacon with each one, a slab of chocolate cake, two Cokes and two bottles of beer..."

"Hmm. Well drop your trousers, bend over and let's take a look.... Ahah, I can see straight away what the problem is here..."

"What is it, doc?"

"Well, it appears that you only have the one arsehole..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:55 AM

My ex asked me the difference between Ignorance and apathy.... I told her 'I don't know and I don't care!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 10:26 AM

I think therfore I am.
Only you know if you are nothing.
If you don't think so you are nothing.

Tell some boy scout jokes. They're in the same pedophile chapter as your Priest jokes, if you like that sort of thing.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 08:12 PM

Troll.

A bloke wakes up in hospital after a terrible car accident. He looks down between his legs and, well, there's a key component missing...

The surgeon comes in and sez to the bloke, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a choice of three replacement willies for you in our freezer right now!"

"Oh wow!" sez the bloke. Tell me more!"

"Well, of course there will be a small charge. We have a six-incher, a sort of budget model, that would cost you five grand. Then there's the eight-incher at ten grand. The gold standard is our nine-and-a-half incher, but that one would set you back twenty grand...."

"Blimey," sez the bloke. "I'd love that last one, but can you get my wife in so that we can consult?"

An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came back in. "Well have you made a decision?"

"We have," said the chap. "We're having a new kitchen..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 22 - 10:56 AM

You can sometimes make fools of people, but many folks are the do-it-yourself type.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 May 22 - 11:24 AM

Observed in a butchers' shop in Nottingham:

    BACON MISHAPS

The butcher changed it to "bacon misshapes" after I laughed, because he thought I was mocking him; but I'd laughed because it was so delightfully *correct*.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 31 May 22 - 07:22 PM

How the 'Recipes: What are we eating?' thread was born.

A refined gentleman wakes up in hospital after an embarrassing car accident. He looks down between his legs and there's only a todger stump...
The surgeon comes in and said to the eunuch, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a willie for you in our fridge right now!" "Oh wow!" sez the blokette. Tell me more!"
"With your dismemberment insurance it can be done immediately"
"Blimey," says the halfman. "I'd love that but may I get my wife in to consult?" An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came in. "Well have you made a decision?"
"We have," said the obese chap. "We're building a new kitchen...despite my wife's immense enthusiastic curiosity regarding surgury."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 May 22 - 08:33 PM

You seriously need to see someone. Sick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 07:52 AM

While the joke retains the fact he wouldn't boink her with another man's dick, it gives the wife's explicit pov in an equal opportunity manner. Its now bigger than a size matters joke.
Ya know its only a matter of time when the word syndrome appears after your name.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 01:26 PM

I entered the butchers shop and asked for 100 grams of bacon. The butcher said 'Lean back' so I leaned back and asked him again. This kept repeating itself


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 02:07 PM

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.
Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could. Sister Marry Clarance of the Assumption held her weight to the door, white as a ghost and muttered..
"On hh..his.. Pe.. Penis it has a..word...SWAN!" And then she ran off to her room.

The next morning Sister Gertrude Harmony of the Assumption quite sternly takes over as the ward of the sailor, lecturing the girls over breakfast of the sins of curiosity and the flesh!
“Is it true?” asked Marta. “Does he truly have ‘Swan’ tattooed on his spear of Adam?”“I’LL HEAR NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE!!” Yells Sister Gertrude as she storms out the room.
But the young ladies only became more intrigued. Being a particularly observant lot, they knew Sister Gertrude loved the communion wine as much as she loved the lord. So one night the postulates fortified the sacrament with some brandy. Soon Sister Gertrude was snoring.

All the girls were anxious, but none could muster the courage! Such trepidation! How does a young lady ask to see a strange man’s penis in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord?
A bath! Fetch water and soap! SSHH!! Don’t wake Sister Marry Clarance or Sister Gertrude. They’ll have our habits!!
While the four or so ladies scrambled for an alibi, the rest formed a circle around one. She was shy, quiet, timid, and quite pretty. Me!?! She asked.“Do it for us Mary? Please?! We may never see one! You must tell us what it’s like! And if it truly has a word on it.

Mary gathered her nerve, and sighed deeply. Then she took the wash basin, and with a confidence nobody knew she had, marched right into the sailor’s room.
She was even humming. Ten minutes later, the humming stopped.Twenty minutes later, strange noises the girls have never heard started.
Forty minutes later, the ringleader of the postulates stood by the door, banging on it every five minutes to hush them up.
Over an hour later, Mary came out the door, hair neat, habit in place, only a bit of flush and glow to give her away.

All the rest swarmed her like geese.“So...”“So what?” She said“Well does it...say...”Mary cut her off “Does it say ‘Swan?’”Mary turned and walked to the door turning back from the doorway she looked them all in the eye and smiled and said..

“No, It says "SASKATCHEWAN”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

"Holmes, I'm really struggling with this crossword. Could you help? This clue here: 'Pertaining to the digestive tract...'"

"Alimentary, my dear Watson."

"Ah, thank you! And this one, two words: 'Burglar sets off loud ringing bell...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

"That fits! Hmmm, how about this one, three words: 'Large ocean fish with flat body and wing-like appendages...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Cheers! But what about this one: 'Conservative MP sends money to ex-wife', two words..."

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one's really tough, Holmes: 'California-style...'"

"A la Monterey, my dear Watson..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 04:01 PM

For the first time in three years the Jehovah's Witness fellow called on me today (this is a true story, not a joke). I always have a banter with him as he's a dear old chap. His wife died during the pandemic and he's now 86 years old. He knows that I'm an incorrigible atheist but we see eye-to-eye on the woes of the world (maybe not how they should be fixed). If he comes in September he can have a big bag of apples from my trees, a bit of a ritual.

Anyway, this is a joke thread, and his visit reminded me of the old Tommy Cooper chestnut:

Two blokes knocked on my door today. All they wanted to do was talk to me about vacuum cleaners. I thought to myself, "Oh no, not the Jehoover's Witnesses again..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 02:05 AM

How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because he lies, saying he's done it, and everyone applauds him with enthusiasm. (Joke on my village Facebook this morning)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:44 AM

A topical joke, which happens to be accurate:

Father's Day: Nine months before Mother's Day.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 10:35 AM

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

BREAKING NEWS
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:18 PM

Surely that can't be true. Rescuers would have to be very stupid indeed to think that so many bodies could possibly have fitted into a "small, two-seater Cessna plane". They would have to be even stupider not to have linked together the state of the bodies discovered, the presence of coffins of various ages, and the location of the crash, a cemetery, as offering a likely explanation. These people responding to this crash, presumably Irish people, must be represented as very, very thick indeed in this supposed joke.

The old ones aren't necessarily the best, when ye think about it. Try using the old stereotypes about certain other recognisable groups of people and see where that gets ye; got anything about Scots being parsimonious? Ken whit I mean, pal?

ABCD.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:51 PM

In the same vein, how does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

First, he nicks three eggs...


(Now I feel I'm allowed that because I'm a Lancashire lad, and don't kid yourself into thinking that the Wars of the Roses was ever resolved...)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 10:08 AM

Octoberfest all year long, just wear old shoes As usual, its no joke


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:32 PM

Mr Harkness walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Harkness hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which cost a quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Harkness, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Harkness leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Harkness returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:38 PM

I like Georgian's new jokebook.


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