BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 01:37 PM

Just bought a new racehorse..... going to call him 'Mayo' because he neighs!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 08:36 AM

I'm trying (stop laughing at the back there) to decide whether "mind over matter" is a balancing act or a vulgar fraction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 07:36 AM

Its a matter of caring, if you don't care it doesn't matter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Neil D
Date: 20 Nov 22 - 10:44 PM

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory for taking a couple days off.

Bill: Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy.
Bob: I don't know and I don't care.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 22 - 08:43 PM

Two Betta fighting fish were in a gigantic tank, One asked the other if he knew how this tank worked. "Not only do I not know how to drive it, I don't know how to fire the cannon".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 16 Nov 22 - 06:24 AM

Feeling generally run down, a young woman visited her GP for a check-up.After conducting this, the now grim-faced doctor informed her that she had only six months to live. "Only six months," she said, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," replied the doctor. "Find an accountant and marry him."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No," he replied, "but it will seem much longer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Nov 22 - 05:58 AM

From Youtube
Putin wanted to know if Zelensky was still alive...

Zelensky himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of a coded message.

















370HSSV-0773H















Putin was baffled, so he emailed it to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to the meaning. The FBI finally asked the Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds the they called back with this message:



“Tell that Wanker Putin he’s holding the message upside down." .

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Oct 22 - 10:34 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello, but his cello only had one string, and he always played the same note on it. One day his wife ventured to ask "Dear, have you ever noticed that most cellos have four strings and people move their fingers around on them and play different notes?"

"Sure. They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 08:20 AM

Here's one from my grand nephew:

Did you hear about the Italian chef who was hospitalized in critical condition?
He pasta way.
The doctor said I cannoli do so much.
Now he's a pizza history.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:34 AM

Oh God, that was meant for the Brexit thread!!


(Mind you, the LibDems can be a bit of a joke...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:30 AM

The LibDems are a bunch of unprincipled, Tory-lite opportunists. The one good thing about the 2015 election was seeing them get their arses kicked by the voters.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:23 AM

One nun to another, "I see we have a case of syphilis in the convent!"

"Good!" replied the other, "I was getting bored with the Chardonnay..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 03:57 AM

This isn't a'joke' as such, but a true tale:
I remember a Mrs Malaprop friend who sat on our bingo table each week. In between each game we'd all have a bit of a natter.
She once blurted out, "My husband is putting up a dildo rail in our hall!" We all shrieked with laughter, and could hardly concentrate when the next game began. (She meant dado rail)
Another time, she told us that her husband had made a pond in their back garden, and she was going to get some gonorrhoeia to make it look nice. (She meant Gunnera, a plant with large leaves that grows near water)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Oct 22 - 10:59 PM

Two hadrons are walking down the street
Baryon starts crying all of a sudden. His friend Meson turns and asks, “what’s wrong Baryon?”

Baryon sobs, ”Everybody says I’m odd.”

Meson tries his best to cheer him up. “Keep your head up buddy, we all have our quarks!”


Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.
They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."


Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass murderer


Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?
They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.


Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?
Because it's hard to dicern

When LHC discovered the Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.


Your mamma’s so fat
She uses the large hadron collider as a hula hoop??


What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?
A Large Hadron Colada.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Oct 22 - 03:18 PM

Seen pinned up in the corridor of a Physics Department:

CRITICAL MASS: a requiem for a scientist who spilled his coffee on the floor once too often.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Oct 22 - 12:32 PM

Grandad always sent money to his grandchildren at Christmas, very generous he was too. One year, just after Christmas, he complained to his wife that none of his grandchildren ever said thank you, or sent a thank you card, or even rang him to thank him.

Roll on the next Christmas. He sent the money as ever, but this time there was an amazing transformation - in the days following, all the grandchildren came to visit and thank him and a good time was had by all.

"Well that was amazing!" exclaimed Grandma afterwards, "I wonder what caused the big change!"

"Oh, it was simple," he replied, "This year I didn't sign the cheques..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Oct 22 - 12:06 PM

A guy's wife comes home with a new dress, and he asks her:
"Where did you get enough money? We are barely getting by!"

"Well, since YOU aren't making much, while you've been working the night shift the last few months, I've been 'turning tricks' during the day! You've been too tired to pay attention to me, anyway!"

"What? How much have you made?"

"So far, $351.00!"

"51? who gave you $1?"

"They all did!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Oct 22 - 11:25 AM

Have you ever noticed;

They turn the volume down during hearing aid commercials?

US conservatives won't accept elections they lose and
UK conservatives won't accept elections they win?

A very seductive a wife ask her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No", said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?""No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?" "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:"Good go look in the garage."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 01:11 PM

"If Boris gets back into power (God help us), he will soon be telling all that the greatest comeback since Lazarus used to be Jesus."

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?????????

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 11:37 AM

I hear about a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 11:33 AM

When Stephen Hawking was drunk, there was no difference. I guess the voice modulator doesn't have a 'slur' setting!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 10:59 AM

If Boris gets back into power (God help us), he will soon be telling all that the greatest comeback since Lazarus used to be Jesus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Oct 22 - 09:44 AM

Whilst the optimist and the pessimist argued over whether the glass was half full or half empty. I drank what was left in the glass... I am 'The opportunist'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Oct 22 - 06:09 AM

An optimist sees the glass as half full, a pessimist sees it as half empty while the engineer wonders why the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 06:11 PM

On death row, two condemned men chat through the bars.

Bill: "So, what's your fate?"
Joe: "I'm to be shot tomorrow at 9 A.M.."
Bill: "Whoa, that's terrible!"
Joe: "Oh, not so bad, really."
Bill: "Why?"
Joe: "I was originally going to be shot at 7 A.M.. I have a smart lawyer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 03:29 PM

At a meeting of the U.N. General Assembly in New York, there was a break for lunch. The American ambassador & his wife are heading for the street when they see the Russian ambassador, Rudolph Velinski, leaving, carrying an umbrella.
   The American says to his wife, "We'd better get our umbrellas."

"Oh, why?", she asks.

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


(I heard this many years ago, 'almost' like the above, but versions of this online are widely varied, but all telegraph the punchline and contrive unlikely situations.) I like jokes to flow sensibly..until..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 02:12 PM

One atom said to another "I've lost an electron".

"Are you sure?" asked the other.

"Yes, I'm positive!".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 08:27 AM

Never believe atoms.

They make up everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 08:05 AM

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 07:23 AM

Same two blokes chatting later

"No, seriously," says the first, "what is your secret?"

"No secret," he replies, "just walk up to them, say hello, compliment them and just start chatting as normal."

So the first chap sees a girl he likes coming out of the ladies room in a pub later that day.

"Hello," he says, "that's a lovely dress you're wearing"

"Oh, thank you" she smiles so he continues,

"Been for a shit then..?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 04:53 AM

...it's the "Chitting" of potatoes!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 04:09 AM

...get the sack if your boss saw you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 04:56 PM

Adds a whole new dimension to a euphemism for going for a wee that I've been using for years: "Excuse me, I'm just off to drain the spuds..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 02:40 PM

...not very appeeling.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 12:42 PM

Two guys were sitting on a beach that was loaded with bikini-clad females when one said to the other,

"How can I get the attention of these beautiful girls. You're doing okay, what's your secret?"

"Here, put this potato in your trunks and go out and mingle." he responded.

He did so and he came back flustered and complaining "I thought this spud was supposed to be a babe magnet, they just moved away when I came near."

"You were supposed to put in the front."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:58 PM

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said, how can you tell them apart? He said, her brother’s got a moustache!

(Cheers for that, Big Yin!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:11 PM

And the punchline to your "joke" is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:09 PM

Democrat democracy is majority wins.
Republican democracy is heads I win, tails you lose.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 13 Oct 22 - 05:50 PM

Just watched the end of Licence to Kill On ITV 4 and happened to see on the credits "Jewellery by Sheila Goldfinger"...what's in a name?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Oct 22 - 03:05 AM

A true story

The GF was buying walking boot laces and prepared by counting the eyelets. Perusing the stand (me looking on with a lacey fair attitude) she chose the the ones for 16 holes. The attendant asked was she sure, as they were 6 ft long and suggested she counted only one half. My reaction:

"counting the ayes to the right?"

The attendant thought it good in enough to repeat. (sorry US, it is a UK parliamentary reference)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:55 AM

What do fish and women have in common?

They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:47 AM

I suppose that's why some of us on Mudcat are so bloody awkward... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:32 AM

An old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 to her in a friendly way and with a smile to her face.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.

The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 07:14 AM

My friend hates it when I mention his dandruff. He'd rather just sweep it under the carpet...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 07:12 AM

I'm an alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops. Or maybe this is just the beer talking...

On balance, I don't think that rubbing tomato ketchup into my eyes was a good idea after all, but maybe that's just Heinz-sight...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 06:25 PM

A farmer came up to me and said "I've got 67 sheep. Can you round them up for me?"

"Sure," I said. "Seventy."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 06:10 PM

Conjunctivitis.com - now there's a site for sore eyes...


I used to live hand to mouth, then at last I found a solution: cutlery...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 05:50 PM

I went to the record shop and I said to the bloke "Have you got anything by The Doors?"

He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 03:27 PM

The secret to great acting is sincerity, if you can fake that you've got it made-
George Burns, approximately.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 01:22 PM

My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"

I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



I said to my mum, "I'm opening a theatre."

She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything..."


(Two Tim Vine specials!)