BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 07:35 AM

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:38 AM

Q. What do you call a monk who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:28 AM

What do you call a man with a spade?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade?

Douglas

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:19 AM

Sammy Davis Jr and Frank Sinatra opened a club. It was so popular that even the Angels from Heaven looked in. Gabriel returned very happy until the next day when he realised something was missing.

"Whassup?" says Michael

"I left my harp in Sam and Frank's disco..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:00 AM

knock knock, who's there?
Sam and Ella
Sam and Ella who?
Sam and Ella from the grocery store

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 03:08 AM

Knock Knock

Claire

Who's there?

Claire Voyant

Claire who?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 06:40 PM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Sam & Janet

Sam & Janet who?

Sam & Janet evening, you will meet a stranger...


I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 12:58 PM

Is there a punchline?

There really is no telling this fella, is there?


A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/manondeathbedjoke.html

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 12:31 PM

What does 'vale of tears' mean in English?
Noun. vale of tears (plural vales of tears), (in the singular) The world, a place where difficulties and the sorrows of life are felt, especially (Christianity) as a place to be left behind when one dies and goes to heaven.
Where did the phrase vale of tears come from?
The phrase appears in some translations of Psalm 84:6, which describes those strengthened by God's blessing: "As they pass through the valley of tears (Hebrew: ????? ????????), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools"

I think it does not mean what he thinks it means. If he does, he's pretty religious for an atheist or a nontheist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 10:51 AM

Heheh. That slightly reminded me of that Ken Dodd one (which I've probably recycled a few times already):

"I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped me mother..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 10:35 AM

Tim and his mother went to visit a friend and her baby. Sadly the baby was born with so ears so Tim was warned not to mention it or he would be in trouble. Tim looked in the cot and said.. ‘’ What a beautiful baby, has he got good eyesight~?. The babys’ mother said his eyesight was fine. ‘’Just as well’’ said Tim ‘’or he’d have terrible trouble trying to wear glasses’’!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 02:38 PM

Yeah, that's a good 'un is that. I thought about when I dug mine up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 01:29 PM

Steve Shaw... you reminded me of an old joke about the monk of a silent order who could only utter two words to the Abbot each year. The first year he said 'Bed hard'... The second year he said 'floor cold'. The third year he said 'Habit itchy'. The fourth year he said ' sandals rub'. The following year he said 'I'm leaving'! . The Abbot said 'Great, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here anyway'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:43 PM

I told my mate that I was going to a fancy-dress party.

He said, What are you going as?

A Mediterranean island, said I.

He said, Don't be Sicily...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:08 PM

Grr. That's a vale of tears.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:07 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Doug. All I ask is for it to be unalloyed fun in a world that vale of tears. Which means I suppose I ought to insert a joke of some kind at this juncture:

Once there was a prince who had been cursed by a witch. The curse was that he could only say one word every year.

Well one day, while walking the royal gardens, he comes across a beautiful woman. He loves her so much, and decides he wants to marry her.

He doesn't talk for three years, so he can save up the words to say "I love you!"

Then, realising it wasn't enough, he waits another four years so he can say "Will you marry me?" but he doesn't get much of a response...

Another seven years pass. He gets on his knees, looks up at the woman and says, "I love you. will you marry me?"

The woman looks at him and responds, "Sorry, what was that?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:02 PM

Son of a gun
I posted a pun
He's never amused
He said its no fun
he really can't shun
He would rather abuse
with his famous short fuse
leaves the rest of us confounded.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 09:23 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog - PM
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:14 PM

You could simply ignore those posts that annoy you.

Scroll on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 08:02 AM

You could try a joke for a change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 07:34 AM

Drug TV commercials like these can only be seen in America.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:54 PM

Is there a punchline for that one? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: American Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:34 PM

Feel like you did before you were sick. Ask your doctor if Prequil is right for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 12:37 PM

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.?...Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
‘‘HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. ‘'They're watch dogs’’!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 04:15 PM

I mean, it isn't as though there aren't plenty of threads in which there's loads of opportunity to get heavy...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:18 PM

Ya know, Don having your own thread, a la WAV, might not be such a bad idea, you'd have a place to post your original takes(?) and you would no longer interrupt the flow of this light-hearted thread with your bizarre attempts at humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:14 PM

You could simply ignore those posts that annoy you.

Scroll on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:00 PM

At long last you've posted something humorous- comparing yourself to Carlin, Pryor and Chappel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:53 PM

My God, your arrogance knows bounds. Your jokes are not "American jokes." They are not jokes at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:44 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:06 PM

Yours are NEVER jokes. Why don't you start a thread called "Donuel's idea of jokes?" I promise not to read it and I'll try to get gillymor to do the same.
.....
I am always reminded of the paid argument sketch when you respond to anything I post. "An argument? Oh this is abuse, arguments are down the hall". ... "An argument is not the automatic naysaying of anything I say". "Yes it is", "No, it's not". "Yes, it is"...
You deserve an Emmy as the best misanthrope in a BS thread. In reality, there have been some exceptions but too few to mention.

This just in: Gillymor is the original Florida guy.

You promise to never read the American jokes? You've made promises before. If you can't handle Carlin or Pryor you will not be able to survive Chappel or Mahre.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 04:04 PM

Doctor to little old lady: You've got acute angina...

Little old lady, lifting up her jumper: Hey doc, I've got nice tits too...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 03:58 PM

Doctor: I'm sorry to say that you have only six months to live...

Patient: Oh my God! I want a second opinion!

Doctor: OK. You're as ugly as sin...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 02:45 PM

Yes, I'll volunteer to be a non-participant in that thread.
Originality doesn't necessarily add any comic value to a joke and in many cases it's quite the opposite.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 02:45 PM

'Doctor, doctor....one day I think I am a wigwam and the next a tepee'. The doc said...'Your trouble is you're too tense'!
'Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me'... 'Next patient please'!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:06 PM

Yours are never jokes. Why don't you start a thread called "Donuel's idea of jokes?" I promise not to read it and I'll try to get gillymor to do the same.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:00 PM

You described Snoop dog.
Your jokes are called Dad jokes.
Mine are political and are usually original.
Some can't help being bland just as others can't help making something new.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 08:37 AM

Merriam-Webster: "JOKE: something said or done to provoke laughter..."

E.g.:

Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!

Now pull yourself together, man!

It is my absolute feeling that any statement containing the word "Trump" cannot be a joke. Rather like if you live in a gated community and drive a Range Rover you can't sing the blues...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 07:53 AM

Yet another knee-slapper.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 07:48 AM

SATAN SAW GOD RESURRECT ROY COHN AND PUT HIM ON LOAN TO TRUMP !
Garland and the JD moaned "Why has God forsaken us and has given Trump everything he wants"?
Satan said, "because God is a narcissist too, how do you think he became God"?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 09:46 AM

I just read this by Stewart Lee in the Observer:

When assembling the bill for the 1912 Royal Command Performance, to be attended by King George V, the impresario Oswald Stoll seized his chance to steer British comedy away from the radicalism and vulgarity of the music hall, sensing a much larger market for a more sanitised product. Britain’s most popular comedian of the day, Marie Lloyd, was noticeably excluded. Lloyd had sung the refrain: “She sits among the cabbages and peas” and when challenged on its meaning had offered to change the line to: “She sits among the cabbages and leeks.”

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:40 AM

Speaking of horses-

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12:30.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:39 AM

I heard this Doddy one on the radio when I was a teenager on holiday in Criccieth in 1965:

"What a wonderful day, Mrs! What a wonderful day for jumping into a supermarket trolley stark naked and shouting 'How about this for a special offer!'"

(Blimey, what am I like...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:33 AM

What a day, what a day! What a day for shoving a cucumber next door's letterbox and shouting, 'Look out, Mrs., the Martians have landed!'

Ken Dodd, early 1970s.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:16 AM

Neigh, lad...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:04 AM

My choice of sexual activity is limited to three genres..... Flagellation, Necrophilia and bestiality!! Do you think I'm flogging a dead horse??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 06:16 AM

I just saw this in the comments column of an ancient Guardian article which was reviewing premium brands of tinned tomatoes (I know how to live...). It made me laugh out loud:

"I love to rub olive oil, fresh basil, pine nuts, garlic and pecorino cheese all over strangers' bodies unsolicited. But then, I am a sex pest-o."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 05:28 PM

Tommy was the best. A couple more of his:

I’ve used saccharin for ages and my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes.

The minute I got off the plane in New York, 15,000 people started crowding around me. If you don’t believe me, ask Marlon Brando. He was standing right next to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 11:38 AM

When I entered our house the other day the first thing the wife said to me was, 'I'm homesick.'

'But this is your home,' I cried.

'Yes,' she said, 'and I'm sick of it.'

Copyright T. Cooper circa 1970

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 10:05 AM

Have some more misery!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrupt—
MOO!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

No more. I have no desire for you to have me arrested...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 10:03 AM

Comedy is mean to someone like the difference between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is when someone falls in a manhole, tragedy is when it happens to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 09:54 AM

I think that silly kids' jokes can sometimes tickle better than sophisticated grown-up ones (though I love those too). Groan at will:

Why did the old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
He was going through a stage...

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

(Sorry, I have no more coats...)