BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 07:02 PM

A sort of Jewish one I heard (from Rabbi Lionel Blum) many years ago...

A river breaks its banks. A man is cut off in his house and retreats to his upper floor. Nevertheless, he has faith that God will save him.

Another man drives through the floodwater in a tractor. "Jump on the back" he shouts. "I'll get you to safety". "No", replies the man. "I trust in God to save me."

The waters rise higher. The man is forced to climb onto his roof. A boat motors up. "Jump in!" shouts the man in the boat. "I'll get you to safety." "No", replies the man. "I trust in the lord to save me."

The waters rise higher still. The man is clinging to his chimney pot. A helicopter appears overhead, dangling a rope ladder. "Grab the ladder!" shouts the pilot. "I'll get you to safety." "No thanks!" says the man. "I rely on God to save me."

The helicopter flies away. The waters still rise, the man is washed away and drowns. He appears at the pearly gates, furious. Saint Peter is surprised to see him. "I wasn't expecting you" he says. "I know you trusted in God to save you, so He sent you a tractor, then He sent you a boat, then He sent a helicopter..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Greum
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 11:07 AM

I saw a radio for sale the other day. It was only $1 but a note said the volume was stuck on high.

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 07:14 AM

oops 'Tonto'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 06:05 AM

The Lone Ranger and Toto were out on the plain when Tonto got off his horse and put his head to the ground. A few seconds later he got up and said 'Kemo Sabay, Buffalo come' The Lone Ranger asked him 'How do you know'? Tonto replied 'Face sticky'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Reinhard
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 12:30 PM

... edam

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 12:08 PM

Which cheese is made backwards??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 09:23 AM

Why can you not make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

How do you handle hot cheese?
Caerphilly.

How can you entice a bear with some cheese?
Camembert.

How can you hide a horse with cheese?
Mascarpone.

Why does cheese always look sane?
Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

(These are cheese jokes again from my funny sister sent to me this morning.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 22 - 09:46 AM

I pregnant lady and husband were on a hospital elevator at 3 AM. "What floor is this", she asked. The weary husband hung his head and paused.
"I think its linoleum".



Somewhere in the Pentagon:
"I wish Donald Trump's Generals were as loyal as Hitler's Generals".
"Really, why"?
"Because Hitler's Generals tried to kill him".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Aug 22 - 09:35 AM

And what would the consequence be of an explosion in a Frenchman's kitchen?



Linoleum blown apart...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Aug 22 - 02:19 AM

My sister just now sent me these jokes in her daily e mail:-

"Where are you now darling?" (wife to husband)
"Just pulling out of Paddington dear."
"Gosh, that must have made him drop his marmalade sandwich!"

and:-
What was left after the explosion in the cheese factory? De brie everywhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 03 Aug 22 - 11:33 AM

Recalling an advert from my youth in Sydney, Australia:

With a couple of couples about to go away for the weekend, the gents are piling-up the back of a ute/coupé utility with tinnies (cans of Foster's Lager, maybe) when one of them considerately says something like: "Suppose we better add a bottle of sherry for the ladies, mate" - upon which the whole thing collapses, of course, and the other one says "Looks like we overdone it with the sherry, mate".

(Better, maybe, when I've said it at a pub, with a broad accent, and everyone having had a few.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Aug 22 - 07:59 PM

Moses, on having descended Mount Sinai, addressed his followers. "Good news and bad news I'm afraid, guys. The good news is that I've managed to get him down to ten, but the bad news is that he won't budge on adultery...."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 08:46 PM

Billy Connelly realized that the best jokes are stories. True stories are best. Check out his movie 'The man who sued God'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 05:48 PM

I suspect that if The Big Yin were to tell that joke today, he'd soon be following it with something like, "Cancelled?!!! F###in' "Cancelled"! Nivvurr wurrk again? Ach, f### it onywey. Ah kidnae care less - Ah'm f###in' loaded."

The man himself certainly considers the last phrase an adequate punchline, since he's used it so often. People do laugh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 04:12 PM

"I hope when you go home tonight, Snow White kicks your arse"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 04:06 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 03:57 PM

Trump testified that he saw antifa demonstrators wearing Make America Gay Again hats and chanting "bang Mike Pense". The 55 inch TV in the dining room is to blame.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 03:50 PM

It is more gillyweed as seen in Harry Potter's tri wizard tournament.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Jul 22 - 06:41 AM

Btw, who or what is a gillymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 05:34 PM

Billy Connolly - The wee dwarf!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 04:56 PM

A little girl said to her mother:
"Mummy, who was that lady who came to see Daddy while you were away?

"I don't know dear. Maybe we should ask Daddy".

"Daddy told me to stay in the garden, while they went upstairs" continued the little girl. Her father started to explain but his wife cut him off. "Save your explanations for my lawyer. "Carry on dear".

"I went upstairs and looked through the keyhole. They both got undressed and got in to bed".

"And then?" Asked Mum.

"And then they both did what you and Uncle Derrick did when Daddy was away".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 03:21 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gilymore - PM
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:29 AM

https://medusarcm.com/

In this episode of Reply Guy, a spelling error becomes an International incident...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 11:42 AM

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Steve?' I said diffidently, 'Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 11:20 AM

Midas and Medusa: a very brief affair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:29 AM

That's a real knee-slapper.

Btw, what or who is a MeduSSa.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:24 AM

2 Mudcat safety rules for jokes:

1. Show respect for your nation, corporation, gender and family.
2. Do Not Offend, anybody including company, boss or authority.

Keep in mind, too, that social media is not a place to share complaints. I recently saw a tweet from someone who “spent 15 years in soul-sucking Big Pharma.” Future employers or clients would likely pass on that individual, even if he or she had a perfectly good reason for having that sentiment. The fact is that every word about an employer should be positive, even in casual environments like social media or a networking happy hour–it’s just the more cowardly strategic move.

Do not offend. If a joke is about dogs, cats, crumpets and butter you are on safe ground. You already know it’s important to be a team player, which means speaking respectfully to your colleagues. But it’s sometimes difficult to put that knowledge into practice, especially the more familiar and casual your team becomes. If you get a laugh at someone’s expense, you’re already on dangerous terrain.

UK Exceptions: Jokes about genitals, wives, husbands, age, other religions, other philosophies, other races and nations.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 09:57 AM

~groan~

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 09:12 AM

Hey dude did ya bring anybody to the party?
You know it Dawg. I brought a girl that'll make you rock hard.
Whats her name?
Medussa

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 03:10 AM

Tact is telling someone they're open-minded when they have a hole in the head.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 10:34 PM

My tribe believes in open minds and open hearts, unfortunately hateful mass shooters believe the same, but with AR15 bullets.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 08:11 PM

What does an oboist use for birth control?
his personality

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:45 PM

Yep. It's definitely those mushrooms, poor chap.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:51 PM

Magic Mushrooms are legal in the hospital down the street. Not criminal in many states and totally legal in Oregon. Spores are legal everywhere.
A remarkable end to human suffering seems like a good thing to me. Pro suffering folks are a drag but they are everywhere. They even joke about it. Being a teacher to little kids makes suffering a two way street. Old math teachers never die they just lose their functions.
Old teachers never die they just grade away.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 03:52 PM

Crone: a woman whose back goes out more than she does.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 03:32 PM

Rough?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 01:05 PM

Poor Donuel. Must be those illegal mushrooms!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 12:01 PM

That reminds me we're having a Garrison Keillor Prarie Home Companion show coming to town.

Q: how do you get a autoharp player off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 11:23 AM

Meanwhile, back at the thread title, one I've just heard in the family:

A cat dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Hello," says St Peter. "Why should I let you in?"

"I've been an alley cat all my life," says the cat, "never knowing where the next meal's coming from, and having nowhere comfortable to lay my head."

"OK, you're in," says St Peter, who has a soft spot for animals. "Would you like anything here?"

"A soft cushion to rest on, please," he says. "I've always wanted one of those." And it was so.

A couple of days later, along come some mice. "Why should I let you in?" says St Peter, kindly.

"We're poor mice," they say, "and we've spent all our lives running from cats and dodging mouse-traps."

"OK, you're in. Would you like anything?"

"Ooh, thank you," they say. "We've always wanted roller skates, so we could escape from the cats." And it was so.

A few weeks later, St Peter goes on a tour of inspection, and sees the cat on his cushion. "Hello, there. How are things going?"

"Wonderful," says the cat. "This cushion is really soft, and those meals-on-wheels you keep sending are delicious."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 10:20 AM

.... or describing someone as having "a good face for radio". I'm choosing to take "You've got a good voice for chanties" as a compliment, in the interests of domestic harmony.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 08:18 AM

That's fair - as in "She's a nice girl FOR YOU".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:51 AM

Well, I have learned from you what is not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:46 AM

I know it by heart. The folklore version of crone is old, ugly and disagreeable and perhaps a witch. Its modern usage is of the archetypal wise woman.
Anyway a play on words isn't about the individuals but words and spellings. You need an education about the 5 main types of jokes.
Educate yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:32 AM

Google the definition of "crone" and get over yourself. If the members of your "tribe" ever read your material they'd stake you out on a red ant mound.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:20 AM

Its time again for “Explaining Jokes to Idiots” and break down jokes for the humor-impaired like Will Smith types.
Comedians have been under attack for some time, So I must defend my tribe. This war on jokes must end. Crone jokes about wise women does not have anything to do with degradation any more than the chicken crossing the road is about bird flu.

Critics who feel entitled to silence jokes is the perfect illustration of cancel culture. I remind you that Gilbert Gottfried and Kathy Griffin “were tasteless” in their moments. “So what? That’s why we like them!” From Dave Chappelle through Sarah Silverman and Roseanne, all comedians are a little crazy, Maher said. “And you need crazy on that wall.”

“Soon there will be nothing to joke about but airline food and Starbucks getting your name wrong or worn weary stevie jokes from his dad's time.”

Thank God George Carlin isn’t around to see this.
We have to have free speech, Without it, we have nothing, and it doesn’t matter which group it is. When it is not acceptable to have an opposing view, we’ll end up with a totalitarian state.

Is it possible that society is so far gone that we’ll get to that point?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:07 AM

A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of plastic wrap around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

An exhibitionist was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for another year.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:41 AM

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
Long
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God created Steve and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But Steve said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years he ate, slept, played and enjoyed himself. For the next forty years he slaved in the sun to al,ost support his family. For the next ten years he did monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years he sist on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:36 AM

My ex-wife once stood in front of the cheval mirror in our bedroom and exclaimed 'My hair is getting thin, my forehead is wrinkled, I have crows feet by my eyes, my neck is like chicken skin, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly is covered in stretch marks, my butt is soft and very wrinkly, I have cellulite on my thighs and my feet have gotten hairy.....please tell me something good about me' I said well love, you have great eyesight.!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:23 AM

and you do not know the definition of crone, laws of the US schedule one, civility, nor are you a proud recipient of a Presidential pardon.
You reveal your diagnosis daily and are not aging well.
You are aging dis gracefully.

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.
A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks:

"Have you witnessed the blue moon light up the darkest depths of the ocean?"

"Yes, master!" said the disciple enthusiastically.

"Have you witnessed the wind mercilessly slash at the unfaltering tree, only to help it grow more resilient?"

"Yes, master!"

"And have you witnessed the chilling water break against an immovable stone, seemingly accomplishing nothing?"

"Yes, master!"

After another brief silence, the wise master slowly opens his eyes and exhales: "Well there's your problem... You keep looking at random nonsense instead of learning!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 04:58 AM

Suck it up. You were well out of order.


The doc said to me, my diagnosis is that you've got hypochondria. I said, well I might as well have - I've got everything else...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 10:19 PM

Why did Raggy Tash cross the road?