BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Why does 'king Boris wear
 red   white  &  blue  braces?









to keep his trousers up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:15 PM

Any minute now we'll start with a joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:17 PM

Dan Leno - 1878

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:19 PM

Never knowingly understated. Right on cue, Stevie boyo. I started it just to prove the point. I win.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:41 PM

Now that's funny, Mr. Red!

What do you call a disease you catch on Instagram?

Influenza!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:54 PM

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:18 PM

Well in the seventh post of this thread I'll post an actual joke. It's weak, but at least it's a bloody joke. Ahem.


"As far as I'm concerned, autocorrect can go straight to he’ll."


(I told you it was weak...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:42 PM

lol, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 07:55 AM

What is the difference between a magicians wand and an officers night stick?    The wand is for cunning stunts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 08:34 AM

...a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

A tractor has hydraulics, whereas a giraffe has high...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:22 AM

. . . between a New Year's day reveller and a mountain goat?
On mucks about in the fountains.

. . . a costermonger and a dog with no hind legs?
One bawls out his wares.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:37 AM

We seem to have had many of these before: Spoonerisms

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 01:48 PM

If a snowman loses his temper, is he having a meltdown?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:30 AM

It's not a snowman. It's a snow-woman.

...


...

...

's no balls.



DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:40 AM

I think you are mistaken. Absence of balls on snow people is down to cold weather shrinkage.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:03 AM

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, But that would explain the suitcase."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:35 AM

That's a lovely baby you have there!

Thank you! He's very nice and smiley...

Ooo, is he?

And he always feeds really well...

Ooo, does he?

Yes, and he sleeps through the night, mostly!

Ooo, does he?

Yes, but he doesn't half cry sometimes...

Ooo, does he?

Yes he does. Bawls like a bull....

Ooo, has he?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 10:49 AM

Vin Diesel only eats 2 meals a day:
Breakfast
Breakfurious

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:21 PM

Ye gods...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:44 PM

lol, Mrrzy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 01:03 PM

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her full-length bedroom mirror stark naked while her husband reclined in bed.

"Oh my God, look at me!" she wailed. Wrinkles everywhere, bags under my eyes, bat's wings, my arse looks like a burst bag of broad beans and my tits are nearly touching the floor! For God's sake cheer me up and say something nice about me!"

"Well," he said, "your eyesight is perfect..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 08:32 PM

Little girl is on a train ride with her grandad.

She looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, moo-cows!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up, is it? In future, just say 'cows!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later she looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, baa-lambs!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up either, is it! In future, just say 'lambs!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later, grandad looks at the book that the little girl is reading and says, "That looks like a very nice book, my dear. What's it called?"

"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

Dogs have been known to watch TV. Good ol McGruff loves to watch Lawn and Odor but hates bad boy bad boy, watcha gonna do when they come for you...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:52 PM

Well aren't you just a laugh a minute...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 05:40 PM

The teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the bible story of Adam and Eve.

"Now do you remember from last time who I told you was the very first man?"

After a slight pause, little Jimmy's hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

Very good, Jimmy! Now can anyone tell me the name of the very first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along now! I'll give you a clue. Think of the serpent..."

Silence...

"OK, another clue. Someone must remember her name...Think of the apple..."

Little Mary's hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 07:05 PM

There were some crackers in our crackers this year - even some I’d never heard before. But it’s late and I can’t remember, so you’ll have to wait until the morning now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 07:29 PM

Well there were terrible "jokes" in our crackers too. Some were so bloody awful that I thought they must've been written by Americans...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 04:14 AM

Well, if we're into Bible stories, and more or less seasonal ones at that:

Teacher asks her class to draw a picture illustrating some aspect of the Nativity story, and encourages them to use their imaginations rather than just copy the usual Christmas-card stuff. So one little girl draws an aeroplane, with four passengers.

"That's interesting dear, what part of the Christmas story is that?"
"Please Miss, it's the Flight Into Egypt."
"Ah. In that case, I think I can guess who the people are, but you tell me anyway."
"Well, there's Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus, and up in front, that's Pontius the Pilot."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:11 AM

Cracker 1:
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycyle?
Answer: Attire

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:16 AM

Oy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:33 AM

Good one, Tattie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

Americans have not discovered crackers in that sense. Our loss.

What do you call a kid who won't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 10:02 AM

A teacher of religious studies asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Jimmy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “In the bathroom? What a strange place for Jesus to be! What makes you think that?”

Little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

Magic works in mysterious ways;
"Magic mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor..."

It worked: his legs dropped off...A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in carnal activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 11:34 AM

My wife said, God, these shoes are hurting me...

I said, You've got them on the wrong feet...

She said, But these are the only feet I've got...

(Thanks, Tommy Cooper!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Late for a very important meeting, a visitor asked, What floor are we on?
The information desk clerk replied "linoleum".
Ah... what floor is the CEO on?
"florentine marble"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 02:07 PM

Crime in multi-storey car parks: wrong on so many different levels...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM

Bob Newhart told Bob Saggett "You have to be careful with your blue dirty jokes, its like a pillow fight with death, you have to expect reaper cushions." Saggett said, I'm having an affair with your wife Bob.
"Enjoy her Covid Bob"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 02:29 PM

would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villOnce upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he agers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 02:31 PM

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 03:32 PM

Sorry for the printing mistake on my previous post... here it is again as it should be.                         Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM

Bob Saget

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

What's the punch line? Dead celebrity?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 05:46 PM

Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 06:27 PM

My father said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 07:38 PM

The sign at the bottom of the escalator said DOGS MUST BE CARRIED.

I couldn't use it: I didn't have a dog...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 08:11 PM

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back, doctor..."

The doctor said, "It's just old age, my dear."

The woman said, "What! I demand a second opinion!"

The doctor said, "OK, you're ugly as well..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 08:35 PM

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 02:50 PM

Perhaps a few of these might get a laugh.....Collected over many years....


. Think I must have paid for my meal out today with my ‘Donor’ card… It cost me an arm and a leg.

I applied for a great job at Citroen but they wanted 2CVs.

A man was in court today for damaging books by putting Tippex over all the full stops. He got a long sentence.

Traffic warden who had passed away was being buried. Suddenly his voice came from the coffin. ‘’Let me out, let me out. I’m not dead’’. The vicar leaned down and said ‘’Sorry sir it’s too late, I’ve done the paperwork’’

Last night, the local cinema was robbed of goods to the value of £200. The thieves took 2 bags of popcorn, a combo meal, two bars of chocolate and a large bottle of coke!!

I had a phobia of speed bumps when I was driving which I slowly got over.

One of the joys of talking to yourself is that someone is always listening!

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was just checking his balance.

At school I loved geography but I could never find the classroom.

I didn’t like history at school. Just glad it’s a thing of the past.

Was going to join a weight watchers website but decided not to when they told me I had to accept cookies. I think it was a test!!.

Buying a brand new 50 inch television. It is reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could I turn it down.

I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer Songwriter.

Local Chinese druggie just asked me ‘’Have you seen my cocaine’’? I replied,No…. not since he was in ‘The Italian Job’ !!

Just thought you should know, I’m in Hospital for eating what I thought was an onion but it was daffodil bulb. They say I’ll be out in the Spring.

I remember once telling my ex that I would never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on a machine and fluids from a bottle and if it ever happened, she should pull the plug. She unplugged the computer and threw my beer down the sink!!!!

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I said ‘’It’s the last thing I need!

I asked my grandfather , after 65 yrs together, why he always called my grandmother ‘Darling’ and ‘Gorgeous’ all the time. He said ‘’I forgot her name a long time ago and am afraid to ask’’!!

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!

Went to see my dentist again this morning and as usual she looked down in the mouth!.

Asked my ex what she wanted me to do with the left over bubble wrap. She said ‘’Just pop it in the utility room’’… It took me nearly an hour!!

A blonde friend rang the RSPCA today to tell them she had just found six puppies in a suitcase at the side of the road....
"Are they moving?" asked the operator....
"I'm not sure" she replied, "But that would explain the suitcase”....

I used my discount card to clear the ice off my windscreen this morning but it only took 40% off!

Since my doctor told me to go on his diet I have put a lot of weight on. What with my diet and his as well I guess it’s no wonder!

In the swimming baths, I was having a crafty wee in the deep end. The attendant blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!.

It said on the news today that three cliff walkers have fallen to their death. Amazing that it’s three people who have the same name.

I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would work but I stand corrected!!

A weasel walked into a pub. ‘’What can I get you’’? said the landlord . ‘’Pop’’ goes the weasel.

My friend went to a healing session last night. He said it was so bad that even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out!.

Went to see a gynaecologist friend yesterday....It was his day off so he was decorating his hall... through the letterbox

I was considering becoming vegetarian but was told it would be a big missed steak.

I gave up my job crushing ‘Coke’ cans because it was soda pressing!

My lawn is bird proof.. it’s impeccable.

A bear couldn’t decide whether or not he liked snow… I think he was a bi-polar bear.

I’m taking steps to avoid elevators.

Doctor told me it wasn’t good to keep things bottled up. so I’m just finishing the third bottle of wine.

I only recognise 25 letters in the alphabet and I don’t know ‘Y’.

For pharmacists, alcohol is not a problem… it’s a solution.

Is it true that electricians have to strip to make ends meet?

To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.

Dogs aren’t allowed to operate scanners but apparently catscan.

Mountains aren’t funny. They’re Hill areas.

I’ve always thought that double negatives are always a no-no.

Is the opposite of wrinkly….. Irony?

The problem with Political jokes is they sometimes get elected.

Is being afraid of santa… claustrophobic?

A lorry full of Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M1 today but the road was not congested.

Someone has been adding topsoil to my allotment!!! The plot thickens…

A new tomb has been discovered in Egypt and the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. They believe it is the remains of Pharaoh Rocher.

I took several old pocket watches and joined them together to make a unique belt. `~~~~~~~Really it was a waist of time.

Before crowbars were invented, most crows drank at home!!

My ex said ‘’I don’t understand what cloning is’’. I said ‘’That makes two of us’’

My friend once asked me what the secret of my happy marriage was. I said ‘’Chemistry’’……. ‘’I am on vallium and she’s on Prozac.

I was queueing for the bus this morning with a very large/overweight lady in front of me. Her phone began to ring and the young boy behind and to the side of me, pulled me backwards very quickly as he said 'Look out, she's reversing.

Got fired from the calendar factory…. all I did was take day off!!!

There have been several reports over the past few days of a spate of muggings by a 'mechanical man'. It's probably a wind-up.

When I was younger I was wanted for my body…… Now I’m older, the only people who want my body are the finders of my ‘Donor’ card.

A man was in court today for stealing a calendar… He got twelve months!!!

I told my ex she was really like dandruff….. I couldn’t get her out of my hair.

I heard that some monkeys are sharing an Amazon account…. does that mean they’re Prime mates?

I told my ex… Next door always kisses her husband before he goes to work, why don’t you do that’’? She said ‘’Well I don’t really know him’’

When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo….. I
really had to put my foot down!

My ex once asked me to help her with a jigsaw saying it was supposed to be a tiger. I replied ‘’Will you please put the Frosties back in the box’’

On my birthday last year, I opened one of my cards and rice fell everywhere. It was from Uncle Ben.

I stood looking at my orange squash bottle for an hour today….. it said ‘Concentrate’ !!

My ex wife asked me what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. I said ‘’I don’t know and I don’t care!!.

I used to have a phobia about walking under chestnut trees but at last I’ve conkered it!!

I asked the lion what it was doing in my wardrobe.. the reply I got was ‘’It’s Narnia business’’!!

I have a new job in which I get paid to sleep… it’s a dream job.

I started my weight training with two 5lb potato sacks, then worked up to 10lb potato sacks, then 20lb potato sacks, eventually I was using 56lb potato sacks..... then it hit me that my next move could be to put potatoes in them.

I once worked for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged…


When I told my doctor that I thought I was shrinking, he suggested I should be a little patient.

Yesterday I decided to do nothing and today I continued to as I hadn’t finished yesterday. I’m no quitter.

My friend always hid from exercise…. he claimed he was on a ‘’fitness protection programme’’

Awww the days when my dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down the hill. They were goodyears.

My parents always struggled to put food on the table…. they were dwarves.

She said she was looking for a man with personality… I told her how lucky she was as I have several.

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. All agreed that he should have had a second coat!