BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 04:45 PM

Tour de force there, mate, and every one a joke! Alleluia!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 06:00 PM

Whew, that was a Marathon. Thanks for all the laughs, Georgiansilver.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 06:22 PM

I was standing at the bar in the pub when a bloke sidled up to me and said, sort of confidentially, "Hey, mate, between you and me we've got five bollocks."

I said, "Why, have you only got the one?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 06:38 AM

Did you hear about the man with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 10:28 AM

Since you appreciated the marathon of one liners.... here are some more which are all connected with singers/groups.

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. ‘’It’s a little fit bunny’’.

My friend Joe went on the ‘Dolly Parton’ diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.


I just received a confirmation text that I have won £200 or tickets for an Elvis tribute night…….. it said to press ‘’One for the money, two for the show’’

Joined a Carpenters study group last week. Not done anything yet ‘’We’ve only just begun’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 10:31 AM

And a few more.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 12:48 PM

lol again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

While all these were posted before its always nice to see old friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM

"I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’"

A variant: Sean Connery told me he'd sold all his books. He told me, "I just don't know what to do with my shelf."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 04:32 PM

bumper stickers;
I brake for the vaccinated
Save the Ales
Leading cause of death -God
Jesus was jabbed -how bout U?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 04:47 PM

Tshirt: I identify as vaccinated

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 05:21 PM

Q-BGL = identifies as dyslexicrazy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

It's a joke thread. Just thought I'd mention it. Again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 03:33 AM

Washington Post neologisms:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 08:36 AM

No joke for Steve https://www.forbes.com/sites/ajherrington/2022/01/11/study-finds-cannabis-compounds-prevent-infection-by-covid-19-virus/?sh=7a09

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 10:19 AM

I've already read that. Far too much crucial information missing about the "research" in my opinion, and talk about a misleading headline..

A bit of a joke really, so I suppose it belongs here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

I melted all my Pink Floyd vinyls, cast them into a rectangular block and stuck that into a hole in the facade - now it is just another brick in the wall.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:35 PM

Btw, thanks for all the one-liners.
I am quite proud of me - for understanding most of the puns without using a dictionary (I'm not a native English speaker)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:59 PM

German, right?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 02:22 PM

yes, Donuel, I am German (or more exact: Bavarian)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 07:56 PM

— What is the difference between a Turk and a Bavarian?

— The Turkish person can speak better German.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 09:44 AM

Donuel, you got Saxons and Bavarians mixed up ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:10 AM

(Bavaria has a very strong dialect that is a sort of middle point between Hochdeutsch and Swiss German?) Dialects do fade over time.

A German and an American are building houses. They place a bet on whose house will be finished first. After four weeks, the American announces triumphantly, ‘Only 14 days and my NY house is finished!’ to which his German friend excitedly replies, ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can get started, I'm still waiting for the bomb survey’

ps A Bavarian luthier sold me the best cello I ever had.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 11:14 AM

Beethoven's 9th;
"It was the bottom of the 9th and the bassists were loaded."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:30 PM

I told my girlfriend "I am going to make you mine."

She said "Lovely!"

I handed her a pickaxe.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 06:05 PM

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


Iron Man is a superhero, whereas Iron Woman is an instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:13 PM

Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 04:44 AM

Iron man has an iron will.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 05:34 AM

"Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much."

You have demonstrated over many years that you have yet to appreciate that humour is multi-layered. In fact, you have yet to learn what a joke is. Thanks for the barb anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 07:16 AM

My ex wife told me one evening. 'Tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'...... I replied 'Fantastic, but you can do your own packing'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 08:07 AM

A man rushes into the house and shouts to his wife:
"Pack the suitcases! I've come up big-time on the lottery".
"Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" she asks.
"I don't care what what you take", he replies, "just pack your bags and clear off!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 10:33 AM

Man goes into living room and sez to his missus, "Come on, love, get your coat on..."

"Ooh, good! Are we going somewhere nice?"

"No, I'm off to the pub and I'm turning the heating off..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 12:50 PM

When my ex-wife ran off with by best buddy I was totally devastated.....I really missed him!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 07:30 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.

I went to a meeting of the ‘Premature Ejaculators support group today but arrived too soon.

The Autopsy club will meet on Friday for an ‘Open Mike’ night.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 08:51 AM

And the time travelers' club will meet last Wednesday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 10:55 AM

"Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time I was in the waiting room at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-ray on my shoulder. A doctor who was also a drinking buddy of mine sailed through the waiting room, and spotting me sitting there, called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh hi, Steve, I didn't realise that the impotence clinic was running today!" and promptly disappeared through a side door, leaving me with a bunch of other patients staring at me curiously...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 02:15 PM

Ha Ha Steve!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:00 PM

3 employees were watching the funeral pyre of their mutual boss.
They each commented on the momment.
"Look at the wonderful light the pyre casts"
"For me its the glorious warmth"
"If you can't smell that you both might have Covid!'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Off topic. It's a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 02:20 PM

A business executive had a cute secretary, and he asked if she could "do some extra work over the weekend". She knew exactly what he meant, but didn't mind, and said she would. Boss says, "great, we'll work aboard my yacht". She says, "oh dear, I get really seasick!" He says "don't worry, I'll take care of it."
So he stops at the drugstore and asks for dramamine and condoms. The druggist says, "If it makes you sick, why
do you do it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

Chap goes to a fancy dress party carrying a naked young woman on his back.

"Good grief! Said the host, "So what have you come as?"

"A tortoise!" replied the chap.

"So, er, what's she doing on your back...?"

"That's Michelle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:31 PM

its a floor wax and a dessert topping

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:43 PM

mmm good

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

A man is looking in a catalogue for a costume for a fancy dress party. He finds the perfect one - Adam - and sends off his order. After a few days, he receives a small fig leaf but sends it back with a note:
"Dear sirs,
       Please send me a larger fig leaf. This one
is not big enough to cover my requirements.
Yours sincerely, "

He receives the replacement but, again, returns it saying that it was not large enough to cover his requirements.

The same thing occurred with the large, XL and XXL sizes. Each time he returned it as not being large enough to cover his requirements.

Eventually, the supplier wrote to him offering him a custom made, quadruple extra large size, adding
"This is the largest size we are able to make. If this does not suffice, we suggest that you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 09:08 AM

"Doctor, I'm having real trouble pronouncing my Fs and THs..."

"Well, you can't say fairer than that, then..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:33 AM

Doctor came into the ward to see a patient recovering from surgery.

"I have good news and bad news," sez the doc.

"So what's the good news, Doc??"

"Well, in the end we only had to remove half of your leg!"

"That's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."