BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

I went to the doctor. He told me I had hypochondria.

I said wearily, "Well I might as well have it. I've got everything else..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:20 PM

After his operation, Bill was told by the surgeon that he had some bad news and good news for him.....firstly, unfortunately they had made a mistake and removed his good leg. However the good news was that his bad leg was getting better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:30 PM

Doctor is saying to patient, ""Good news and bad - the good news is that I found the pills that will help you, but you'll have to take one a day for the rest of your life."

Chap says, "Oh, at least I'm alive, so I don't mind that!"

But looking at the bottle of pills he notices that there are only two in the bottle, and he looks back up at the doc.

"Ah yes," says the doc, "I haven't got round to the bad news yet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 08:24 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!"


Hey, Lone Ranger, what time is it?

Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten...


...And where are you going with that car-load of rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 06:37 AM

A big hole opened up in the road outside our local police station. A spokesman for the police said they were looking into it.

-

And some of our cops were seen rehearsing their annual Christmas pantomime round at the local recycling centre. A spokesman for the police said they were acting on a tip.

-

And then someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilet seats. A spokesman for the police said they had nothing to go on.

(It's the way I tell'em!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 07:02 AM

Man wakes up in a hospital bed after a motorcycle accident, and Screams:
"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"No sir, we amputated your hands!"

_______________________________________________________


Woman gets a phone call from the local A&E unit:
"Mrs Jones, your husband is here, he had an accident at work and we've had to amputate his finger."

"His whole finger?"

"No, the one next to it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 09:39 AM

The police canine centre was broken into last night and numerous items taken. A police spokesman said they definitely have no leads.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:46 AM

I've been a copper for twenty years. Anyone who tries to tell me that the police are corrupt can kiss my Rolex.

A policeman looks down at his stomach. He mutters to it, "You're under a vest..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:51 AM

A woman is in court, accused of killing her husband by hitting him over the head with his guitar.

The judge peered up at her over his specs and said, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, Your Honour. First a Les Paul, THEN a Fender..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 11:04 AM

Ken Dodd, one of my all-time favourites, once said "I'm not saying thatm I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped me mother..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 05:59 PM

Then a Fender... A+

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:00 AM

Donuel, I suspect that many, if not most, people on this side of the pond cannot see why your last post is humourous. Could you please explain.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:20 AM

I think he was giving the guitar joke an A-star, Raggtytash. Sadly, not a Shaw original, though I wish it was. I sent it to my guitar-playing lad this morning and he nearly fell off his chair. You do have to know what a Les Paul is first, though, and if you have to explain it, either before or after telling the joke, well, er, the moment has passed...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:17 AM

Well I did fall off my chair and busted a mirror that could give me seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:24 AM

If mods ever read these these threads, for example to take time off from obsessing over our one-and-only Brit thread, may I plead with them to remove the extraneous letter m from my Ken Dodd joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:46 AM

Bloke starts a new job looking after a chipping machine in a potato processing plant. The gaffer tells him that it often jams but he must never put his arm in to free it.

Of course on the first day it jams and he sticks his arm in to free it with subsequent loss of limb. His co-workers pack the arm in a plastic bag and rush him to the hospital. Next day, arm stitched back on, he is in work bright and early. The manager reminds him that he must never put his arm in so when it next jams he tries freeing the blades by stamping on the blockage.

Surprise, surprise. He loses his leg. As before, his work mates pack the leg in ice in a plastic bag and rush him to hospital again. Next morning he astounds everyone by waltzing in as if nothing had happened. The gaffer, getting a bit wiser, tells him to never put a limb in the machine. At the next jam he heeds the advice and tries to headbutt the blockage to force it through. Well, as you can imagine, he is decapitated so his pals put his head on ice in a plastic bag and take him to hospital.

The next day he doesn't turn up so the boss nips round to the hospital to find that the poor chap had suffocated...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

Two dim wits are sitting in lawn chairs in one of their back yards, knocking back beer after beer on a warm summer night ... just staring at the stars in the sky.

After a while, one turns to the other and says wistfully:

"So what do yah figure is farther ... Florida, or the Moon?"

The other one laughs & says to his friend:

"You know ... you're a f--king idiot. Can you SEE Florida?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:31 AM

I'm singin' in Ukrain, just singin' in Ukraine
What a glorious feeling It's Crimea again.
I'm laughing at smoke, so dark afar
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for war

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place
Come on with the tanks, I've got troops on my flanks.
I'll walk down the trench with a gun in my clench
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Why am I smilin' and why do I cling?
Why does February seem sunny as Spring?
Why do I get up each morning to start shooting
And get up with mud in my gun?
Why is each new attack, so fun to do?
cause I am living a life of Russain troops

I'm clingin' to Ukraine, just clingin' to Ukraine
What a glorious feeling we're Russain again.
I'm laughing at smoke so dark above
The sun's in the sky and I'm ready to die.

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place.
Come on with the ice, I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:03 PM

And the punch line is what?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:31 PM

You, apparently.

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I think I have a split personality, said Steve, being frank.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:57 PM

Oi, mate, just count the number of real jokes that I've posted in this thread!! Let's all stick to jokes from now on, shall we? Tell your pal!

Chap goes to the doctor who tells him he has good news and bad news.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good news, Doc!"

"Well, this is the last annual prostate examination you'll be needing..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:32 PM

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I agree.

Mrrzy, what was the joke that you added? I seem to have missed it.



I think I have a split personality .....

That makes four of us.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:35 PM

Sorry Mrrzy. I've just seen the Steve/Frank connection. I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 03:44 PM

I agree with you, Doug. Me too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 07:53 PM

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 09:31 PM

Snicker at you two!

Apparently Paris rarely floods.

That's because the water is normally l'eau.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 10:19 PM

Would it still be permissible to repeat the old one about the L-n-t-c who drowned himself while in Paris? Punchline, "he was in Seine"/"insane". Scared to write the "L Word" in full, or tell this weak pun in public, lest someone seize the opportunity to take offence at the essential word.

Much prefer the one about the Frenchman seeing the tide rising and saying, "Merci", though the play on sounds might only be instantly understood in Scotland.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:40 PM

Why do the French have a single egg at a time?

Because one egg is an œuf.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 03:06 AM

There was once a mother cat with four kittens who, for reasons which need not concern us, were named Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre. Their story ends tragically.
One cold winter's day their local pond froze over, and they went out to play on the ice. However the ice was too thin, and it broke, and Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre - cinq!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 04:24 AM

Your jokes are in Seine, Mrzzy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 05:45 AM

L-n-t-c ??       the "L Word" ???

Give me a clue, please!




What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 06:39 AM

One egg is un œuf surely?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:25 AM

He was a good egg until he cracked.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Humpty Dumpty and Chicken Licken have just made love and are lying back, enjoying a post-coital cigarette. Humpty says:

"At least we know the answer to the question."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 10:18 AM

Excuse me, this is a joke thread, not a yolk thread. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:50 AM

My mate Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean Joe lean...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

Oh I am reminded of this old chestnut:

Remember Divine Brown, with whom Hugh Grant was caught canoodling? Apparently back when that story broke, Bill Gates was smitten with her, and got Hugh to set them up for an evening.

Afterwards, Bill says dreamily, I can see where you got the name Divine.

And I, said Divine, see where *you* got the name...

...Microsoft.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:10 PM

I was in a bar yesterday and saw three rather obese ladies talking. I heard an accent and thought they must be Scottish, so I said ‘’ Are you three lassies from Scotland?. They chorused back rather nastily, ‘’WALES’’. I said ‘’ OK, are you three Whales from Scotland’’? That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in hospital!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:19 PM

I told the doctor I couldn't get the song "Green green grass of home" out of my head

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome and when I asked if that was common he said "It's not unusual"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 02:08 PM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). A twinkle came into elephants eye as he agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred you shnake.!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 03:40 PM

One egg is un œuf surely?

A good egg's ample?


I heard a true pun tonight on R4 (or 4extra)- Sally Philips' friend is a Yarn Bomber and goes by the pseudonym of.............

Deadly Knit Shade

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 11:57 AM

A bloke rang his mate to tell him that he had two bits of bad news.

"Don't mess about," said his mate, "Just blurt them both out at once!"

"OK, I'll tell you then...Your wife is cheating on both of us..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 12:06 PM

Bob and Mick had both been keen footballers. But, sadly, Bob was on his deathbed.

"Sez Mick, "Promise me that when you get to heaven you'll send me down a message to tell me whether they play football in heaven," to which Bob agreed.

So Bob died and went to heaven. A few days later, a ghostly voice appeared to Mick in his dreams. It was Bob...

"Mick, great news! They DO play football in heaven!"

"...But the bad news is, you're in goal on Friday..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 04:23 PM

Speaking of football, I have been watching the African Cup of Nations (sorry, Côte d!Ivoire!) and in this game with Mali there are 2 refs, one much taller. Equatorial Guniea was, unsuccessfully, calling for a foul, and the guilty-looking opponent was fiddling around behind the line...

Don't waste time in the back, Mali,
The big ref said to play on!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:07 PM

Liverpool have three of their star players (Mo Salah Egypt, Naby Keïta Guinea, Sadio Mané Senegal) in that competition. We are literally pooping our pantalons in case they come back injured. At the same time, it's a wonderful competition. I can only take in so much football and at the moment the season is so thrilling that I'm watching three or four domestic or European games per week. If I watched the African competition as well, Mudcat be bereft of my contributions. And that would be no joke... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

WOULD be bereft!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:57 PM

Have I missed something or were the two posts above (at 4:23pm and 5:07pm) focussed purely on (yawn!) football?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.

Still, followimng the principle of "At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!"

It was the birds versus insects football match. Within 5 minutes the birds scored their first goal. Another quarter of an hour saw two more goals and by half time, the insects were down 5 - nil. The second half saw the birds add yet another two goals. With 15 minutes to go, the insects made a substitution. A beetle came off and the centipede came on. Within a minute he had scored. Then another and another. Like a tornado, he moved across the pitch scoring goal after goal. By the final whistle, the insects had won 10 - 7.

After the match, the two coaches were talking. The birds coach said what fantastic player the centipede was and asked his opposite number why he hadn't been brought on earlier.

"Oh, he's a fantastic player, alright," said the insect coach, "but it takes him that long to get his boots on".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:09 PM

Well I've posted so many quality jokes in this thread, Doug (count 'em!), that I feel I might be permitted a slight, benign diversion in order to address Mrrzy's excellent though off-topic point about football. I can only conclude from your curmudgeonly intervention that you must be a Man U fan. Very sad.

And that last joke of yours is so old that I'm guessing that it was first told to Methuselah by Noah...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:21 PM

... you must be a Man U fan.

Not any sort of fan. I don't even know which end the wickets go.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 07:08 PM

Your loss, pal, and that's no joke!