BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:31 AM

Judge Judy: There is a reason God gave you one mouth and two ears, now shut up.
Defendant: Your honor, some people talk out of their ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 11:44 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and the Ukraine thread for talking about our concerns and fears regarding the terrible situation there instead of making up silly names for a brutal dictator?

Anyway, here's a joke:

I tried to phone up the spiritual leader of Tibet, but the next day I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 02:50 AM

Jesus wept.

so would you with nails in your hands

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 05:57 AM

I'm no Bible scholar but I believe the weeping referred to (in the shortest verse of the Gospels, apparently) was on a different occasion. I haven't got a Bible to hand so I can't nail that right now... (see what I did there?)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 06:37 AM

Sadly, Radio 3 has just been playing some of that shite jazz (which is most of it in my intolerant and prejudiced opinion), and it reminded me of this old chestnut:

Q. What's the difference between rock music and jazz?

A. Rock music has three chords and an audience of thousands, whereas jazz has thousands of chords and an audience of three.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 09:43 AM

A banjo player and a piano accordion player are playing a New Year's Eve gig at a local club. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other, then the club owner, and the banjo player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 01:00 AM

What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 08:17 PM

Hershey chocolate is absolutely no joke, I can assure you. Unfortunately, it's available here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

My ex-wife and I were driving through North Wales when we went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
We were not so much arguing as having a heated discussion on the pronunciation of the place name, when we saw a ‘Burger King’. We decided to stop and eat and at the same time ask a local how to pronounce the name. Whilst my ex was ordering the food, I asked a blonde member of the staff if she could help by pronouncing the name of the place we were in but syllable by syllable and slowly. She said ‘’Certainly Sir’’ The name of the place we are in is………………………
BBuuuuuurrrrrggggggeeeeerrrrrrr KKKKiiinnnnnggg.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 08:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and not having an inane editorial preface by the mayor of joketown.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if, for a welcome change, you contributed something to this thread that was actually funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:45 AM

Yes Mayor. Humphrey will get on that with all deliberate speed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:52 AM

I agree donuel, the self-appointed mayor of joketown needs to be impeached. Let's keep it light and non-judmental.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:14 PM

The Mayor prefers to say the election was overturned. The matter will be ultimately settled in the fullness of time, when the moment is right, upon the recounting of the recounted recounts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:29 PM

Whoa, "non-judgemental".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:46 PM

Well let's just ignore you two silly buggers and consider instead two classic Billy Connolly funnies (read them in his accent for best effect):

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything - I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was 'How are you getting on?'"

Bonnie Prince Charlie: the only man ever to be named after three sheepdogs...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:51 PM

The former Mayor aka The faster master of hereafter disasters was responsible for African style shake down roadblocks called the burley gates by the locals.
Peter Smalls says it was refreshing to see corruption in the light of day and become so transparant.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra back from a US tour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:17 AM

Putin, during a during a JD Power award ceremony for the troops said: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of my Russia, drop by drop.”


A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Putin, why drag things out? Give it all now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 04:09 PM

That is in bad taste in what is supposed to be a joke thread. What is the matter with you?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:27 PM

On mudcat
an American said I have the freedom to go to the White House and yell Down with Biden. So what, the Russain said. I can go to the Kremlin and yell that too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:56 PM

Told to me by the magician from the atheist conference:

A magician goes for a blow job. When he's done, his partner says wait, are you really done, there was no ejaculate. Says the magician...

...Check your ear!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 06:20 PM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 07:48 PM

Sorry Mzzry you'll have too explain that one to me to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:32 PM

I got it, Mrzzy. Lol and eeyuhh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:37 PM

Lol? Really??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:24 PM

This is a joke thread, not a pissing contest. Lighten up, dude.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:35 PM

Perhaps England does not have table magicians like the US.
Magicians are master distractors. I have been amazed.
Maybe its a trick like this.
Some jokes aren't meant for everyone.
I'm still pondering Bill's Arab joke about a big nostril.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Top pop songs in Russia: Crimea River and Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Get a grip, yanks, you're simply confirming the stereotype...

A couple from the great Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctor and told him that I thought I was becoming a kleptomaniac. The doc said, here, take these tablets and if you're no better in a week bring me a colour TV...


I said to the waiter, hey, this chicken you brought me is stone cold. He said, I'm not surprised - it's been dead for two weeks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:40 AM

The Mayor of Joketown is suspected of Putinesque poisoning of enemy comedians. Invention of jokes has a vastly different definition than repeating and borrowing jokes. Inventors beware.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:54 AM

I look around and I can't see any of these alleged "comedians..." If only we could agree that a joke is something to make us giggle, lighten the mood, mitigate this vale of tears in which we live...not something to make us squirm, feel sick or groan with embarrassment, something we end up wishing we hadn't read... Georgiansilver, where art thou!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:12 AM

Bill Mauldin cartoons banned in Russia.
Black History banned in Oklahoma and Texas.
Sense of humor banned in UK village.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:22 AM

The new medication to mitigate depression and vale of tears is called Screwitall. It comes in a fast acting inhaler or the longer lasting suppository.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 12:55 PM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:19 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach the other day. Half the time I was in floods of. tears, the other half I was laughing my head off. It was an emotional roller-coaster...


I went to buy a train ticket to go to France.
"Eurostar?" said the ticket agent.
"Well, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:31 PM

Ernie in the care home went down to the weekly sing-song. He enjoyed himself, but the care workers were very worried because he kept beginning to fall sideways and they kept having to push him back upright. They were so concerned that they called the doctor to his room after the sing-song.

"Are you feeling OK, Ernie?"

"As right as rain, Doctor!"

"Hmm. Do you like it here, Ernie?"

"I love it, Doc. The only thing is, they won't let me fart..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:53 PM

'Can We Take a Joke' is a film worth watching.

"The duty of a comedian is to find the line and then deliberately cross it".
George Carlin

I expect the right wing to crave censorship but I am surprised that the left wing is now going safe zone for everyone with inane censorship or worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 04:16 PM

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped my mother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:39 AM

How do you determine the gender of an ant       Put it in water ; if it sinks = girl , if it float = buoyant

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:43 AM

A theist and an atheist having a debate about origins . After awhile the atheist host says “. I’ll better go and do the coffee , it won’t make itself “       “    Why not “ says the theist !

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 05:36 AM

Well at least we know that God has a wicked sense of humour: he created bacon then forbade his chosen people from eating it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 09:25 AM

A pair of Scottish ones.

Q. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

A. Bing sings but Walt disnae...



I went into a Scottish baker's shop. I pointed to a confection in the window and said to the baker, "That looks tasty. Is it a cake or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a cake..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 12:03 PM

The ant joke has reminded me of an incident in my childhood. The family was on holiday, and we ended up at (in?) Poole harbour. My father and mother kept saying: "Look, there's a buoy in the water," but however hard I looked I couldn't see anybody.

Mind you, I've had my revenge on the next generation. There's a certain shape of nose (and an accompanying joke) that I inherited from my father, and bequeathed to my son. Only recently did our daughter tell us that she took ages to work out why the primary-school teachers burst out laughing whenever she said "noses run in our family".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 08:25 PM

"Our Dog hasn't got a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Dreadful."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Apr 22 - 06:56 AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on a gap year in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, but eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Don’t think it was the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 22 - 05:31 AM

This went in the wrong thread, so yertis in the right one! Ahem...

Not quite on-topic, but I can't resist. It was my uncle's funeral yesterday (I wasn't close and I didn't go), at Blackley cemetery near Heaton Park. As the coffin slowly disappeared from view, the song played was Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 02:26 PM

Chappel was attacked this morning while performing his comedy.
Chris Rock was there too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 09:05 PM

Patrick the rest home gigolo is respondsible for a mass spreader event in more ways than one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 05 May 22 - 06:23 AM

Only Chappel's (actually with a double "l") I can think of are former Australian cricketers with Greg probably being the most noted of the brothers. Mind you, Donuel's "jokes" usually have me stumped...?

Anyway, as I can't think of anything better, back to a silly childhood one.

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spider.