BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 05:15 PM

My wife said to me, these shoes are killing me. I looked at her and said, you've got them on the wrong feet. She said, but these are the only feet I've got...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 02:54 PM

I'm glad it's not just me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 12:12 PM

Calling a ninety year old woman a crone is NOT funny, never has been and never will.

I can only presume that you are sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 09:03 AM

So the great Loretta Lynn is a crone? Is that supposed to be funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 08:50 AM

its a play on words without the question but you're the foreigner in this case. Loretta is 90 and still singing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 06:53 AM

"Bing crooned, Loretta Lynn crones."

Genuine question to you all. Can anyone explain how or why this is "funny" it is totally lost on me.

Anyone ............................ ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bugsy
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 02:29 AM

A religious joke:

A Catholic Dog and a Jewish Dog were waiting to cross the road, when the Jewish Dog, Cocked his leg and piddled all over the Catholic Dog.

The Catholic shook himself and said "If this wasn't a Friday, I'd Bite your balls off!!"

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jul 22 - 06:59 PM

Bing crooned, Loretta Lynn crones.

ps Steve keeps this thread going as a labor of love in memory of his father who I understand was a joke master.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:47 AM

Like that other Scottish one: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings but Walt disnae...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:43 AM

which tends to make a Joke of the well known advice about what not to do with "The Mouse". Another Scots one, this time with an American angle, concerning a difference between an Olympic swimmer and a cartoonist:
Mark Spitz and Walt Disney.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:30 AM

Mickey Mouse is in court, suing Minnie Mouse for divorce.
Judge: Sorry, Mickey, you can't have a divorce just because she's got crooked teeth.
Mickey: I didn't say she had crooked teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:00 AM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). The elephant agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred !!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 03:24 AM

I see that a couple of you are using the joke thread, once again, to tell things that are not jokes

Now where have I heard that before?

--------"-------

A young lady is talking to one of her friends:

"There have been a lot of family weddings this year. I really enjoyed them but, at each one, granny would poke me with her walking stick, lean over and whisper 'You'll be next'. It got to be really irritating but I just responded with a smile and said nothing.

Then came the chance to show her how annoying it could be. I was surprised at her reaction at that funeral."

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 09:23 PM

Immortal, perhaps, but unknown to me (tho' VW herself isn't)!
Better add a joke, and this one gains a bit from context (as well as a knowledge of Scots pronunciation). It works best if someone in a group asks if anyone knows "a Dirty Joke", to which the reply "Joke the Coalman" seems either senseless or funny, depending on whether you recognise that in some places the name "Jock"...

Actually, that joke is now, here at least, clearly archaic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:51 PM

I qualify for Irish citizenship meself, as me gran was born in Athlone City. Last I heard, the authorities in Ireland were inundated, so I thought I'd wait a bit. In the immortal words of Victoria Wood, let's do it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:41 PM

I suppose it would at least be putting it in a contemporary, and perhaps humorous, way if I were to object to the Pronoun...

I might be "British" on the ould Passport, at least until I try for an Irish one, rejecting being a "Subject" in a hereditary Monarchy, no matter how splendid it is said to be, for a "Citizen" of a Republic, no matter how corrupt it has proven.

My own preferred Pronouns to refer to myself are, "That there".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:06 PM

It's all good! :-)

(And at least we Brits are telling jokes!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 05:14 PM

Yes, that's pretty much how I heard it, long ago; but would that really be "internationally" grasped? I thought a bit of drama would, ultimately, enhance the humour ("humor"...).

Hud a big do at Christmas. Kidnae afford a turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 04:13 PM

Keep it simple!

I went into the baker's shop in Glasgow and pointed to a confection in the window, asking the baker, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

"Naw, you're right," sez he, "It's a cake."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 04:07 PM

More than half-a-century ago, in Glasgow, a wee wummin had read something in a magazine about French Cooking (except that it was called "Cuisine"). When she noticed that one of the big stores had started displaying exotic looking cakes and confectionery, she called a young shop-assistant and, pointing to one of them, asked,
"Is that a 'Gateau' or a 'Meringue'?"
The wee lassie, new to the work and not very familiar with foreign foods, replied,
"Naw, ye're right enough, it's a 'Gateau'".
.
.
.
.
.
(Just in case anyone needs an explanation, the local pronunciation of "a meringue" and "am Ah wrang?", anglice "am I wrong", would be indistinguishable)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 05:49 AM

I tell that one as a little boy going into the frozen food shop, Bob:

Little boy to the man in the shop: "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye pissoles, mister."

Man frowns in puzzlement, then a smile spreads across his face: "Aha, little boy, I know what it is you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK then, mister, please can I have a packet of Birdseye arseholes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 03:26 AM

Restaurant customer: "I'll have pissoles and chips please."

   Waitress: "What???"

"Pissoles and chips. That's what it says here on the menu."

   (studies menu) "That's a mistake - it should be an R."

"OK then, arsoles and chips."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:27 PM

At less than a thousandth of a kilo you could still have been 999mg.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:20 PM

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:01 PM

Man goes into butcher's shop and sez, I'll have pound of sausages, please.   Butcher smirks and sez, Hahah, sir, don't you know that it's kilos these days? OK, sez yer man, I'll have a pound of kilos then, please...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:56 PM

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be ‘unacceptable fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

The best part of this lawyer joke is that this is a true story.



23 Climate deniers have been consumed by wildfires. The families have lost every insurance claim on the grounds they were a hoax.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:48 PM

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian "fish and chips please" The librarian angrily says "This is a library".

The man whispers "Fish and chips please"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:29 PM

not quite the same pattern, sure, but more snappy than the traditional "give him/her/them an inch and he/she/they will take an ell", is this from some film/movie:
"Give a woman an acorn and before you know where you are you're up to your arse in oak trees". "Snappy" ain't necessarily the same as "short".
Leaving aside Mark Twain, one memorable example of Anerican wit is Lincoln's riposte to some Congressman who had challenged him to a duel: "A duel? Why certainly, Sir. What d'ye say to cow-dung thrown at ten paces?"

ABCD

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jul 22 - 09:55 AM

Give your husband a fish and he can eat for a day. Give him some fishing gear and you can get rid of him every weekend.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 22 Jul 22 - 04:11 AM

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute.
Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 11:32 PM

What was that Klingon one about teaching someone to fly that ends with But if you toss'm out the airplane they fly for the rest of their lives?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 11:24 PM

"Don't worry Mom, the...[real]...jokes are coming" (B.H.)

Most of those C19th American "dry goods" (O.W.) struck me as similar to the standard fare of many currently popular American comedy shows, "sitcoms", and the like, in that for the most part I can see what the play on words, or allusion, or reference, or parody, is, but it's so obvious and banal that with a bit of revision it might be improved into something worthy of being included in a Christmas Cracker. For instance, this version is better than the American one cited:
"Ye've holes in baith yr socks"
"Whit? That cannae be; they're new!"
"How did ye get yr feet intae thaim, then?"

Characteristically, the following example of a play on words and meanings is less confrontational than the American one about the chimney, in which the youth seems to seize the opportunity to be needlessly unpleasant in a manner which would, a century later, arise in all triumphant splendour and spread like a malign web world-wide:
A well-to-do gentleman, leaving a hotel on the outskirts of a small Scottish village, passed by a youngster sitting at the roadside holding a short stick with a string attached, a bent pin tied to the end clearly visible through the two inches of muddy water in which he was "fishing". Indulgently, the wealthy visitor threw him a coin or two. Later - it was a small village - the tourist recognised the lad again.
"Well, Sonny," he said, "did you catch many fish today?"
"Naw... but Ah caught you".

I believe there's a Middle Eastern variant involving someone similarly "wise enough to play the fool", only his method involves carrying a net conspicuously into the desert. When the Sultan, Pasha, Vizier or whatever who has indulgently thrown the Village Idiot a shekel or two sees him later, there's not any net, and of course he mentions this.
"One does not need a net once one has caught the fish"

Ah, if you give someone a fish he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead, and you've just given up a good business opportunity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 07:42 PM

I followed your link and read the jokes from 19th century America. I came to the conclusion that what I'd thought was my prejudice against American "humour" is, in fact, not prejudice at all. Not one titter was raised by any of those jokes. They are, quite simply, not funny in any objective sense. They represent misplaced wit that's hardly worthy of the name, and are just about as far from generating belly-laughs as it's possible to be. They are attempts to be over-clever by people who are complete strangers to clever.

I suppose you guys still think that Bob Hope ever said anything funny or witty. Tsk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jul 22 - 10:38 AM

Whatever troubles Adam had / No man could make him sore / By saying when he told a jest / "I've heard that joke before." Philadelphia Times, Feb. 23, 1890

From this.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 07:39 AM

Famous original 1935 joke in Berlin:
I stepped into the popular Aschinger restaurant in Berlin and ordered a Bismarck herring. ‘I beg your pardon, sir’ apologized the waiter, ‘I can only serve you a Hitler herring’. ‘Well – what is the difference?’ ‘The Bismarck herring had a head, sir; the Hitler herring hasn’t’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 07:04 AM

Godwin. And that's no joke, you idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:58 AM

No more non joke comments! It makes him Fuhrerious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:53 AM

Not a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:38 AM

I stepped into the popular 4 Seasons restaurant in DC and ordered Lake Trout. ‘I beg your pardon, sir’ apologized the waiter, ‘I can only serve you a Trump Trout’. What's the difference? ‘Well the Trump–Trout has no head’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 06:58 PM

I see that a couple of you are using the joke thread, once again, to tell things that are not jokes. So to put things right here's a couple from the mighty Ken Dodd:

“I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”

"I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped my mother."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 06:18 PM

Red goes to a New Year’s Eve party.
He’s having a great time but after a while he realizes he lost his wallet.
Red’s not a shy guy, so he stands up and says “Excuse me! Excuse me! I lost my wallet with $500 in it. I’ll give $50 to whoever finds it!”
From the back of the room comes a voice, “I’ll give $75!”

Every day, Morrie has lunch in the same deli, and every day Morrie orders the beef barley soup.

One day he gets his soup, and as the waiter starts walking away, Morrie says, “Come back here. Taste the soup.”

“What’s wrong, Morrie? You’ve had that soup every day for 30 years.”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it too salty?”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it cold?”

“Taste. The. Soup.”

“Is there a fly in it, God forbid?”

“Taste the soup!”

“Okay, fine. I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”

“Aha!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 03:30 PM

From a book translated from Italian:

Somebody got killed. Zap!”

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘zap’?”

“He got shot.”

"No. A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’ ”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 02:30 PM

I recognized this as an old classic Jewish joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jul 22 - 09:14 AM

Lol, Neil.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Neil D
Date: 14 Jul 22 - 09:06 AM

A young woman is walking along the beach with her little boy when a huge wave rolls in and crashes down upon them. As it recedes she realizes her son has been swept out to sea. She cannot see him and becomes frantic. She casts her eyes heavenward and says: "Oh Lord, I know I haven't always lived a righteous life but my son is life itself to me. If you return him to me alive I swear to live a better life and honor your name". Then she sees a tiny black speck, way up in the clouds. It grows as it gets nearer until she can make out a great albatross in very steep dive. It follows a sunbeam down to the water and then beneath the waves. After being out of sight for several seconds, it rises again from the sea and lo and behold the small child is riding on its back. The great beast flies ashore and deposit him in his mother's arms and then soars into the sunset. The ecstatic woman squeezes her wee lad til he squeals and rains kisses down upon his head. She holds him at arms length and satisfied he is intact she raise her eyes once more to the heavens and says "Um...he WAS wearing a hat".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 09:05 AM

Mrzzy, 75MPH or 120KPH is the speed limit on Motorways in Ireland, many people push up this a bit so travelling at 80MPH or 128KPH is not uncommon.

I was stopped for speeding once in America the cop said when he looked at my license "Hey you got endoresments for driving ............... cool"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 07:01 AM

Ah, 75 mph ain't scary! Oh, wait, you guys arent in km, oops...

I am reminded of someone differentiating the US and UK by quipping, in the US they think 100 years is a long time, and in the UK they think 100 miles is a long way.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 04:22 AM

Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer
saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thought "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.
Approaching the car, he noticed that there are five old ladies, two in
the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing
out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound
this whole time,"
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:38 PM

I like Georgian's new jokebook.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:32 PM

Mr Harkness walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Harkness hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which cost a quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Harkness, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Harkness leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Harkness returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"