BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:24 AM

2 Mudcat safety rules for jokes:

1. Show respect for your nation, corporation, gender and family.
2. Do Not Offend, anybody including company, boss or authority.

Keep in mind, too, that social media is not a place to share complaints. I recently saw a tweet from someone who “spent 15 years in soul-sucking Big Pharma.” Future employers or clients would likely pass on that individual, even if he or she had a perfectly good reason for having that sentiment. The fact is that every word about an employer should be positive, even in casual environments like social media or a networking happy hour–it’s just the more cowardly strategic move.

Do not offend. If a joke is about dogs, cats, crumpets and butter you are on safe ground. You already know it’s important to be a team player, which means speaking respectfully to your colleagues. But it’s sometimes difficult to put that knowledge into practice, especially the more familiar and casual your team becomes. If you get a laugh at someone’s expense, you’re already on dangerous terrain.

UK Exceptions: Jokes about genitals, wives, husbands, age, other religions, other philosophies, other races and nations.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:29 AM

That's a real knee-slapper.

Btw, what or who is a MeduSSa.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 11:20 AM

Midas and Medusa: a very brief affair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 11:42 AM

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Steve?' I said diffidently, 'Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 03:21 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gilymore - PM
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:29 AM

https://medusarcm.com/

In this episode of Reply Guy, a spelling error becomes an International incident...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 04:56 PM

A little girl said to her mother:
"Mummy, who was that lady who came to see Daddy while you were away?

"I don't know dear. Maybe we should ask Daddy".

"Daddy told me to stay in the garden, while they went upstairs" continued the little girl. Her father started to explain but his wife cut him off. "Save your explanations for my lawyer. "Carry on dear".

"I went upstairs and looked through the keyhole. They both got undressed and got in to bed".

"And then?" Asked Mum.

"And then they both did what you and Uncle Derrick did when Daddy was away".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 05:34 PM

Billy Connolly - The wee dwarf!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Jul 22 - 06:41 AM

Btw, who or what is a gillymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 03:50 PM

It is more gillyweed as seen in Harry Potter's tri wizard tournament.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 03:57 PM

Trump testified that he saw antifa demonstrators wearing Make America Gay Again hats and chanting "bang Mike Pense". The 55 inch TV in the dining room is to blame.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 04:06 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 04:12 PM

"I hope when you go home tonight, Snow White kicks your arse"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 05:48 PM

I suspect that if The Big Yin were to tell that joke today, he'd soon be following it with something like, "Cancelled?!!! F###in' "Cancelled"! Nivvurr wurrk again? Ach, f### it onywey. Ah kidnae care less - Ah'm f###in' loaded."

The man himself certainly considers the last phrase an adequate punchline, since he's used it so often. People do laugh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 08:46 PM

Billy Connelly realized that the best jokes are stories. True stories are best. Check out his movie 'The man who sued God'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Aug 22 - 07:59 PM

Moses, on having descended Mount Sinai, addressed his followers. "Good news and bad news I'm afraid, guys. The good news is that I've managed to get him down to ten, but the bad news is that he won't budge on adultery...."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 03 Aug 22 - 11:33 AM

Recalling an advert from my youth in Sydney, Australia:

With a couple of couples about to go away for the weekend, the gents are piling-up the back of a ute/coupé utility with tinnies (cans of Foster's Lager, maybe) when one of them considerately says something like: "Suppose we better add a bottle of sherry for the ladies, mate" - upon which the whole thing collapses, of course, and the other one says "Looks like we overdone it with the sherry, mate".

(Better, maybe, when I've said it at a pub, with a broad accent, and everyone having had a few.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Aug 22 - 02:19 AM

My sister just now sent me these jokes in her daily e mail:-

"Where are you now darling?" (wife to husband)
"Just pulling out of Paddington dear."
"Gosh, that must have made him drop his marmalade sandwich!"

and:-
What was left after the explosion in the cheese factory? De brie everywhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Aug 22 - 09:35 AM

And what would the consequence be of an explosion in a Frenchman's kitchen?



Linoleum blown apart...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 22 - 09:46 AM

I pregnant lady and husband were on a hospital elevator at 3 AM. "What floor is this", she asked. The weary husband hung his head and paused.
"I think its linoleum".



Somewhere in the Pentagon:
"I wish Donald Trump's Generals were as loyal as Hitler's Generals".
"Really, why"?
"Because Hitler's Generals tried to kill him".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 09:23 AM

Why can you not make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

How do you handle hot cheese?
Caerphilly.

How can you entice a bear with some cheese?
Camembert.

How can you hide a horse with cheese?
Mascarpone.

Why does cheese always look sane?
Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

(These are cheese jokes again from my funny sister sent to me this morning.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 12:08 PM

Which cheese is made backwards??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Reinhard
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 12:30 PM

... edam

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 06:05 AM

The Lone Ranger and Toto were out on the plain when Tonto got off his horse and put his head to the ground. A few seconds later he got up and said 'Kemo Sabay, Buffalo come' The Lone Ranger asked him 'How do you know'? Tonto replied 'Face sticky'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 07:14 AM

oops 'Tonto'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Greum
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 11:07 AM

I saw a radio for sale the other day. It was only $1 but a note said the volume was stuck on high.

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 07:02 PM

A sort of Jewish one I heard (from Rabbi Lionel Blum) many years ago...

A river breaks its banks. A man is cut off in his house and retreats to his upper floor. Nevertheless, he has faith that God will save him.

Another man drives through the floodwater in a tractor. "Jump on the back" he shouts. "I'll get you to safety". "No", replies the man. "I trust in God to save me."

The waters rise higher. The man is forced to climb onto his roof. A boat motors up. "Jump in!" shouts the man in the boat. "I'll get you to safety." "No", replies the man. "I trust in the lord to save me."

The waters rise higher still. The man is clinging to his chimney pot. A helicopter appears overhead, dangling a rope ladder. "Grab the ladder!" shouts the pilot. "I'll get you to safety." "No thanks!" says the man. "I rely on God to save me."

The helicopter flies away. The waters still rise, the man is washed away and drowns. He appears at the pearly gates, furious. Saint Peter is surprised to see him. "I wasn't expecting you" he says. "I know you trusted in God to save you, so He sent you a tractor, then He sent you a boat, then He sent a helicopter..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 22 - 03:01 PM

A passenger boarding a flight out of New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs asks the blonde flight attendant to put them in the refrigerator And keep'm frozen, honey, I'm a lawyer.

Approaching the destination airport, a voice over the intercom asks, Will the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?

Nobody did, so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Goes to show you can't trust stereotypes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 09:03 AM

Manchester United.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 09:14 AM

Yes, excellent!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 12:36 PM

There was a brief period in the 1980s, in Britain at least, when "Blonde Jokes" enjoyed a certain vogue, especially among young women with hair of a different colour. They did rely upon stereotyping. This would be representative:

"How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?"
"Shine a torch in her ear."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 05:12 AM

You can't please some women. For our anniversary I promised her a Ritz experience. She expected a weekend in a posh London hotel. I intended to break open the packet of salty snacks I'd bought at the petrol station.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 08:08 AM

My ex once told me she anted saomething with a lot of diamonds in for her birthday. She didn't seem pleased when she unpacked her pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 09:18 AM

Neither was D----- very pleased last Christmas; as usual, I was at a loss for some present, and she helped by saying, "Och, just a little something for the Bathroom".

What's wrong with a bottle of bleach?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 09:40 AM

Our grandsprog is visiting, and he's in a silly mood today. At the dinner table today, we were discussing cats' names: our first one was called Petronius the Arbiter (for reasons which need not detain us here), and our current one is called Ptolemy.

"I'd call my cat Petrolium," says grandsprog.
"That'd be fuelish," says I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 10:18 AM

My favorite blonde joke was told to me by a republican, about a week after I'd heard it as a Bush joke:

Headline reads, 3 Brazilians Killed By Terrorists.

Bush/blonde asks, how many are in a brazillion, again?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 11:40 AM

When my best mate ran off with my wife, I was totally devastated.....I really missed him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 02:38 PM

You need to learn to aim...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 10:39 AM

Scottish one-liner competition

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:05 PM

I know the Bible isn't everyone's favorite joke book but my tweaked pov makes me laugh at God's antics as written in the Bible. Nor is this a joke. For example; God drowned people, plants and animals when he made it rain for 40 days and nights - EXCEPT - for Noah&family along with his boatload of animals without plumbing.
After the great flood, God told Noah that he felt kinda bad over the whole mass killing thing and the smell so to make up for it, he created the 'rainbow' to cheer up Noah. ha ha The whole Bible is full of what a giant asshole God is, at least from my POV.

The Bible is hilarious if you don't buy into the vengeful God fearing thing. By the time God Inc. wrote the new testament many of the best jokes were lost. Thats why Jews still make good comedians. From the old testament, they know what a giant asshole God can be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:14 PM

Takes one to know one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:31 PM

He's a lumberjack
And he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day
(He's a lumberjack
And he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day)
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
And goes to the lavatry'
On Wednesdays He goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
(He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatry'
On Wednesdays He goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
I cut down trees)
I'm a gillymor
And I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's' clothing and hang around in bars
(He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's' clothing and hangs around in bars?)
He's a lumberjack
And He's OK
He sleeps all night and works all day
"I cut down trees
I wear high heels
Suspendies' and a bra
I wish I'd been a girly
Just like my dear pa-pa"
(He cuts down trees
He wears high heels?)
(He's a lumberjack
And he's ok
He sleeps all night and he works all day)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:40 PM

Rest my case and for anyone not aware he lifted that from Monty Python.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 07:55 PM

He certainly didn't improve it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 08:19 PM

I also lifted the bible story from the bible. Perhaps everything in the extreme public domain really needs attribution, footnotes and permission. If so gillymor please divulge who taught you to think and be snarky.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 09:26 PM

You inspire me, homie, and I seriously doubt that that sketch is in the P.D.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Aug 22 - 08:48 AM

I've never sought express written permission from the commissioner of major league baseball either. I have been 'asked' by the Escher family law firm to cease and desist from making 4 unique Escheresque themed string quartet instruments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Aug 22 - 08:40 PM

Escher stringed instruments brought to mind The Pikasso Guitars that Linda Manzer made for Pat Metheny

Some folks here might find you
calling their God a giant a-hole highly offensive and, re the Pythons, attributing your sources might help in a couple of ways.

Sorry for the diversions, now back to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Aug 22 - 03:30 PM

You'll be lucky, gilly...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 08:37 PM

I am personally glad ifmy remarks about the totalitarian supernatural man made nonsense in the old and new Testament offends. Christian nationalism is offensive to me.
.................................


What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Mormon? A person who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.

Christians in church are called a flock because they are shorn before they are eaten.

Christians have more proslitutes than Jews.

Trump needs a podium because if he can't be erect at least he can be upright.

Murder, rape, perjury, theft, extortion. 4 out of five is not bad for Trump. Putin gets a perfect 5

Truisms:

Thomas Jefferson wrote there should always be a wall between Religion and politics in America.
America, build that wall !

America is a land of freedom provided you can buy every single right, license, fee or property for yourself.

Religion often defends itself by saying that it is providing society with social utility, I say water, electricity and sewerage are at least true utilities.

SCROTUS* has kicked the GOP in the balls with their removal of female health rights.
*Supreme Court Republicans of the United States.

Trump on illegal immigrants;
Speaking English was good enough for Jesus, its good enough for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 08:43 PM

What did I tell you, gillymor? Not a joke in sight...

What do a banjo and a hand grenade have in common?

By the time you've heard either, it's too late...