BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Why does 'king Boris wear
 red   white  &  blue  braces?









to keep his trousers up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:15 PM

Any minute now we'll start with a joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:17 PM

Dan Leno - 1878

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 05:19 PM

Never knowingly understated. Right on cue, Stevie boyo. I started it just to prove the point. I win.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:41 PM

Now that's funny, Mr. Red!

What do you call a disease you catch on Instagram?

Influenza!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 06:54 PM

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:18 PM

Well in the seventh post of this thread I'll post an actual joke. It's weak, but at least it's a bloody joke. Ahem.


"As far as I'm concerned, autocorrect can go straight to he’ll."


(I told you it was weak...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 22 - 07:42 PM

lol, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 07:55 AM

What is the difference between a magicians wand and an officers night stick?    The wand is for cunning stunts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 08:34 AM

...a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

A tractor has hydraulics, whereas a giraffe has high...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:22 AM

. . . between a New Year's day reveller and a mountain goat?
On mucks about in the fountains.

. . . a costermonger and a dog with no hind legs?
One bawls out his wares.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread fr 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 11:37 AM

We seem to have had many of these before: Spoonerisms

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 22 - 01:48 PM

If a snowman loses his temper, is he having a meltdown?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:30 AM

It's not a snowman. It's a snow-woman.

...


...

...

's no balls.



DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 04:40 AM

I think you are mistaken. Absence of balls on snow people is down to cold weather shrinkage.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:03 AM

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, But that would explain the suitcase."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 22 - 10:35 AM

That's a lovely baby you have there!

Thank you! He's very nice and smiley...

Ooo, is he?

And he always feeds really well...

Ooo, does he?

Yes, and he sleeps through the night, mostly!

Ooo, does he?

Yes, but he doesn't half cry sometimes...

Ooo, does he?

Yes he does. Bawls like a bull....

Ooo, has he?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 10:49 AM

Vin Diesel only eats 2 meals a day:
Breakfast
Breakfurious

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:21 PM

Ye gods...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 12:44 PM

lol, Mrrzy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 01:03 PM

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her full-length bedroom mirror stark naked while her husband reclined in bed.

"Oh my God, look at me!" she wailed. Wrinkles everywhere, bags under my eyes, bat's wings, my arse looks like a burst bag of broad beans and my tits are nearly touching the floor! For God's sake cheer me up and say something nice about me!"

"Well," he said, "your eyesight is perfect..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 22 - 08:32 PM

Little girl is on a train ride with her grandad.

She looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, moo-cows!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up, is it? In future, just say 'cows!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later she looks out of the window and says, "Look, grandad, baa-lambs!"

"Yes, very nice," says grandad, "but that's not very grown up either, is it! In future, just say 'lambs!'"

"Sorry, grandad..."

A little while later, grandad looks at the book that the little girl is reading and says, "That looks like a very nice book, my dear. What's it called?"

"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

Dogs have been known to watch TV. Good ol McGruff loves to watch Lawn and Odor but hates bad boy bad boy, watcha gonna do when they come for you...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 04:52 PM

Well aren't you just a laugh a minute...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 05:40 PM

The teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the bible story of Adam and Eve.

"Now do you remember from last time who I told you was the very first man?"

After a slight pause, little Jimmy's hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

Very good, Jimmy! Now can anyone tell me the name of the very first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along now! I'll give you a clue. Think of the serpent..."

Silence...

"OK, another clue. Someone must remember her name...Think of the apple..."

Little Mary's hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 07:05 PM

There were some crackers in our crackers this year - even some I’d never heard before. But it’s late and I can’t remember, so you’ll have to wait until the morning now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 22 - 07:29 PM

Well there were terrible "jokes" in our crackers too. Some were so bloody awful that I thought they must've been written by Americans...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 04:14 AM

Well, if we're into Bible stories, and more or less seasonal ones at that:

Teacher asks her class to draw a picture illustrating some aspect of the Nativity story, and encourages them to use their imaginations rather than just copy the usual Christmas-card stuff. So one little girl draws an aeroplane, with four passengers.

"That's interesting dear, what part of the Christmas story is that?"
"Please Miss, it's the Flight Into Egypt."
"Ah. In that case, I think I can guess who the people are, but you tell me anyway."
"Well, there's Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus, and up in front, that's Pontius the Pilot."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:11 AM

Cracker 1:
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycyle?
Answer: Attire

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:16 AM

Oy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 08:33 AM

Good one, Tattie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

Americans have not discovered crackers in that sense. Our loss.

What do you call a kid who won't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 10:02 AM

A teacher of religious studies asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Jimmy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “In the bathroom? What a strange place for Jesus to be! What makes you think that?”

Little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jan 22 - 09:11 AM

Magic works in mysterious ways;
"Magic mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor..."

It worked: his legs dropped off...A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in carnal activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 11:34 AM

My wife said, God, these shoes are hurting me...

I said, You've got them on the wrong feet...

She said, But these are the only feet I've got...

(Thanks, Tommy Cooper!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Late for a very important meeting, a visitor asked, What floor are we on?
The information desk clerk replied "linoleum".
Ah... what floor is the CEO on?
"florentine marble"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 22 - 02:07 PM

Crime in multi-storey car parks: wrong on so many different levels...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM

Bob Newhart told Bob Saggett "You have to be careful with your blue dirty jokes, its like a pillow fight with death, you have to expect reaper cushions." Saggett said, I'm having an affair with your wife Bob.
"Enjoy her Covid Bob"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 02:29 PM

would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villOnce upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he agers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 02:31 PM

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 03:32 PM

Sorry for the printing mistake on my previous post... here it is again as it should be.                         Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM

Bob Saget

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

What's the punch line? Dead celebrity?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 05:46 PM

Date: 10 Jan 22 - 01:04 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 06:27 PM

My father said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 07:38 PM

The sign at the bottom of the escalator said DOGS MUST BE CARRIED.

I couldn't use it: I didn't have a dog...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 08:11 PM

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back, doctor..."

The doctor said, "It's just old age, my dear."

The woman said, "What! I demand a second opinion!"

The doctor said, "OK, you're ugly as well..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 22 - 08:35 PM

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 02:50 PM

Perhaps a few of these might get a laugh.....Collected over many years....


. Think I must have paid for my meal out today with my ‘Donor’ card… It cost me an arm and a leg.

I applied for a great job at Citroen but they wanted 2CVs.

A man was in court today for damaging books by putting Tippex over all the full stops. He got a long sentence.

Traffic warden who had passed away was being buried. Suddenly his voice came from the coffin. ‘’Let me out, let me out. I’m not dead’’. The vicar leaned down and said ‘’Sorry sir it’s too late, I’ve done the paperwork’’

Last night, the local cinema was robbed of goods to the value of £200. The thieves took 2 bags of popcorn, a combo meal, two bars of chocolate and a large bottle of coke!!

I had a phobia of speed bumps when I was driving which I slowly got over.

One of the joys of talking to yourself is that someone is always listening!

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was just checking his balance.

At school I loved geography but I could never find the classroom.

I didn’t like history at school. Just glad it’s a thing of the past.

Was going to join a weight watchers website but decided not to when they told me I had to accept cookies. I think it was a test!!.

Buying a brand new 50 inch television. It is reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could I turn it down.

I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer Songwriter.

Local Chinese druggie just asked me ‘’Have you seen my cocaine’’? I replied,No…. not since he was in ‘The Italian Job’ !!

Just thought you should know, I’m in Hospital for eating what I thought was an onion but it was daffodil bulb. They say I’ll be out in the Spring.

I remember once telling my ex that I would never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on a machine and fluids from a bottle and if it ever happened, she should pull the plug. She unplugged the computer and threw my beer down the sink!!!!

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I said ‘’It’s the last thing I need!

I asked my grandfather , after 65 yrs together, why he always called my grandmother ‘Darling’ and ‘Gorgeous’ all the time. He said ‘’I forgot her name a long time ago and am afraid to ask’’!!

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!

Went to see my dentist again this morning and as usual she looked down in the mouth!.

Asked my ex what she wanted me to do with the left over bubble wrap. She said ‘’Just pop it in the utility room’’… It took me nearly an hour!!

A blonde friend rang the RSPCA today to tell them she had just found six puppies in a suitcase at the side of the road....
"Are they moving?" asked the operator....
"I'm not sure" she replied, "But that would explain the suitcase”....

I used my discount card to clear the ice off my windscreen this morning but it only took 40% off!

Since my doctor told me to go on his diet I have put a lot of weight on. What with my diet and his as well I guess it’s no wonder!

In the swimming baths, I was having a crafty wee in the deep end. The attendant blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!.

It said on the news today that three cliff walkers have fallen to their death. Amazing that it’s three people who have the same name.

I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would work but I stand corrected!!

A weasel walked into a pub. ‘’What can I get you’’? said the landlord . ‘’Pop’’ goes the weasel.

My friend went to a healing session last night. He said it was so bad that even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out!.

Went to see a gynaecologist friend yesterday....It was his day off so he was decorating his hall... through the letterbox

I was considering becoming vegetarian but was told it would be a big missed steak.

I gave up my job crushing ‘Coke’ cans because it was soda pressing!

My lawn is bird proof.. it’s impeccable.

A bear couldn’t decide whether or not he liked snow… I think he was a bi-polar bear.

I’m taking steps to avoid elevators.

Doctor told me it wasn’t good to keep things bottled up. so I’m just finishing the third bottle of wine.

I only recognise 25 letters in the alphabet and I don’t know ‘Y’.

For pharmacists, alcohol is not a problem… it’s a solution.

Is it true that electricians have to strip to make ends meet?

To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.

Dogs aren’t allowed to operate scanners but apparently catscan.

Mountains aren’t funny. They’re Hill areas.

I’ve always thought that double negatives are always a no-no.

Is the opposite of wrinkly….. Irony?

The problem with Political jokes is they sometimes get elected.

Is being afraid of santa… claustrophobic?

A lorry full of Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M1 today but the road was not congested.

Someone has been adding topsoil to my allotment!!! The plot thickens…

A new tomb has been discovered in Egypt and the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. They believe it is the remains of Pharaoh Rocher.

I took several old pocket watches and joined them together to make a unique belt. `~~~~~~~Really it was a waist of time.

Before crowbars were invented, most crows drank at home!!

My ex said ‘’I don’t understand what cloning is’’. I said ‘’That makes two of us’’

My friend once asked me what the secret of my happy marriage was. I said ‘’Chemistry’’……. ‘’I am on vallium and she’s on Prozac.

I was queueing for the bus this morning with a very large/overweight lady in front of me. Her phone began to ring and the young boy behind and to the side of me, pulled me backwards very quickly as he said 'Look out, she's reversing.

Got fired from the calendar factory…. all I did was take day off!!!

There have been several reports over the past few days of a spate of muggings by a 'mechanical man'. It's probably a wind-up.

When I was younger I was wanted for my body…… Now I’m older, the only people who want my body are the finders of my ‘Donor’ card.

A man was in court today for stealing a calendar… He got twelve months!!!

I told my ex she was really like dandruff….. I couldn’t get her out of my hair.

I heard that some monkeys are sharing an Amazon account…. does that mean they’re Prime mates?

I told my ex… Next door always kisses her husband before he goes to work, why don’t you do that’’? She said ‘’Well I don’t really know him’’

When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo….. I
really had to put my foot down!

My ex once asked me to help her with a jigsaw saying it was supposed to be a tiger. I replied ‘’Will you please put the Frosties back in the box’’

On my birthday last year, I opened one of my cards and rice fell everywhere. It was from Uncle Ben.

I stood looking at my orange squash bottle for an hour today….. it said ‘Concentrate’ !!

My ex wife asked me what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. I said ‘’I don’t know and I don’t care!!.

I used to have a phobia about walking under chestnut trees but at last I’ve conkered it!!

I asked the lion what it was doing in my wardrobe.. the reply I got was ‘’It’s Narnia business’’!!

I have a new job in which I get paid to sleep… it’s a dream job.

I started my weight training with two 5lb potato sacks, then worked up to 10lb potato sacks, then 20lb potato sacks, eventually I was using 56lb potato sacks..... then it hit me that my next move could be to put potatoes in them.

I once worked for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged…


When I told my doctor that I thought I was shrinking, he suggested I should be a little patient.

Yesterday I decided to do nothing and today I continued to as I hadn’t finished yesterday. I’m no quitter.

My friend always hid from exercise…. he claimed he was on a ‘’fitness protection programme’’

Awww the days when my dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down the hill. They were goodyears.

My parents always struggled to put food on the table…. they were dwarves.

She said she was looking for a man with personality… I told her how lucky she was as I have several.

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. All agreed that he should have had a second coat!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 04:45 PM

Tour de force there, mate, and every one a joke! Alleluia!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 06:00 PM

Whew, that was a Marathon. Thanks for all the laughs, Georgiansilver.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 22 - 06:22 PM

I was standing at the bar in the pub when a bloke sidled up to me and said, sort of confidentially, "Hey, mate, between you and me we've got five bollocks."

I said, "Why, have you only got the one?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 06:38 AM

Did you hear about the man with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 10:28 AM

Since you appreciated the marathon of one liners.... here are some more which are all connected with singers/groups.

I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’ !.

My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’

Prince took an airline company to court over missing luggage. He lost his case.

I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!

I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!

I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was the chives talking.

The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!

I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’

I tried to stop my ex going to the Englebert Humperdinck concert but she said ‘’Please release me, let me go’’.

I bought a U2 Sat Nav but it’s useless…. ‘The streets have no name’ and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’

No-one wants to listen to ‘Whitesnake with me ‘’So here I go again on my own’’

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. ‘’It’s a little fit bunny’’.

My friend Joe went on the ‘Dolly Parton’ diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.


I just received a confirmation text that I have won £200 or tickets for an Elvis tribute night…….. it said to press ‘’One for the money, two for the show’’

Joined a Carpenters study group last week. Not done anything yet ‘’We’ve only just begun’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 10:31 AM

And a few more.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 12:48 PM

lol again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

While all these were posted before its always nice to see old friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 03:43 PM

"I was de-cluttering so I threw out all my Dusty Springfield memorabilia. Now ‘I just don’t know what to do with my shelf’"

A variant: Sean Connery told me he'd sold all his books. He told me, "I just don't know what to do with my shelf."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 04:32 PM

bumper stickers;
I brake for the vaccinated
Save the Ales
Leading cause of death -God
Jesus was jabbed -how bout U?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 04:47 PM

Tshirt: I identify as vaccinated

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 05:21 PM

Q-BGL = identifies as dyslexicrazy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

It's a joke thread. Just thought I'd mention it. Again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 03:33 AM

Washington Post neologisms:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 08:36 AM

No joke for Steve https://www.forbes.com/sites/ajherrington/2022/01/11/study-finds-cannabis-compounds-prevent-infection-by-covid-19-virus/?sh=7a09

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 10:19 AM

I've already read that. Far too much crucial information missing about the "research" in my opinion, and talk about a misleading headline..

A bit of a joke really, so I suppose it belongs here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:30 PM

I melted all my Pink Floyd vinyls, cast them into a rectangular block and stuck that into a hole in the facade - now it is just another brick in the wall.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:35 PM

Btw, thanks for all the one-liners.
I am quite proud of me - for understanding most of the puns without using a dictionary (I'm not a native English speaker)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 22 - 04:59 PM

German, right?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 02:22 PM

yes, Donuel, I am German (or more exact: Bavarian)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 07:56 PM

— What is the difference between a Turk and a Bavarian?

— The Turkish person can speak better German.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 09:44 AM

Donuel, you got Saxons and Bavarians mixed up ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:10 AM

(Bavaria has a very strong dialect that is a sort of middle point between Hochdeutsch and Swiss German?) Dialects do fade over time.

A German and an American are building houses. They place a bet on whose house will be finished first. After four weeks, the American announces triumphantly, ‘Only 14 days and my NY house is finished!’ to which his German friend excitedly replies, ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can get started, I'm still waiting for the bomb survey’

ps A Bavarian luthier sold me the best cello I ever had.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 11:14 AM

Beethoven's 9th;
"It was the bottom of the 9th and the bassists were loaded."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:30 PM

I told my girlfriend "I am going to make you mine."

She said "Lovely!"

I handed her a pickaxe.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 06:05 PM

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


Iron Man is a superhero, whereas Iron Woman is an instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:13 PM

Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 04:44 AM

Iron man has an iron will.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 05:34 AM

"Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much."

You have demonstrated over many years that you have yet to appreciate that humour is multi-layered. In fact, you have yet to learn what a joke is. Thanks for the barb anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 07:16 AM

My ex wife told me one evening. 'Tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'...... I replied 'Fantastic, but you can do your own packing'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 08:07 AM

A man rushes into the house and shouts to his wife:
"Pack the suitcases! I've come up big-time on the lottery".
"Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" she asks.
"I don't care what what you take", he replies, "just pack your bags and clear off!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 10:33 AM

Man goes into living room and sez to his missus, "Come on, love, get your coat on..."

"Ooh, good! Are we going somewhere nice?"

"No, I'm off to the pub and I'm turning the heating off..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 12:50 PM

When my ex-wife ran off with by best buddy I was totally devastated.....I really missed him!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 07:30 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.

I went to a meeting of the ‘Premature Ejaculators support group today but arrived too soon.

The Autopsy club will meet on Friday for an ‘Open Mike’ night.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 08:51 AM

And the time travelers' club will meet last Wednesday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 10:55 AM

"Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time I was in the waiting room at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-ray on my shoulder. A doctor who was also a drinking buddy of mine sailed through the waiting room, and spotting me sitting there, called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh hi, Steve, I didn't realise that the impotence clinic was running today!" and promptly disappeared through a side door, leaving me with a bunch of other patients staring at me curiously...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 02:15 PM

Ha Ha Steve!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:00 PM

3 employees were watching the funeral pyre of their mutual boss.
They each commented on the momment.
"Look at the wonderful light the pyre casts"
"For me its the glorious warmth"
"If you can't smell that you both might have Covid!'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Off topic. It's a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 02:20 PM

A business executive had a cute secretary, and he asked if she could "do some extra work over the weekend". She knew exactly what he meant, but didn't mind, and said she would. Boss says, "great, we'll work aboard my yacht". She says, "oh dear, I get really seasick!" He says "don't worry, I'll take care of it."
So he stops at the drugstore and asks for dramamine and condoms. The druggist says, "If it makes you sick, why
do you do it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

Chap goes to a fancy dress party carrying a naked young woman on his back.

"Good grief! Said the host, "So what have you come as?"

"A tortoise!" replied the chap.

"So, er, what's she doing on your back...?"

"That's Michelle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:31 PM

its a floor wax and a dessert topping

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:43 PM

mmm good

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

A man is looking in a catalogue for a costume for a fancy dress party. He finds the perfect one - Adam - and sends off his order. After a few days, he receives a small fig leaf but sends it back with a note:
"Dear sirs,
       Please send me a larger fig leaf. This one
is not big enough to cover my requirements.
Yours sincerely, "

He receives the replacement but, again, returns it saying that it was not large enough to cover his requirements.

The same thing occurred with the large, XL and XXL sizes. Each time he returned it as not being large enough to cover his requirements.

Eventually, the supplier wrote to him offering him a custom made, quadruple extra large size, adding
"This is the largest size we are able to make. If this does not suffice, we suggest that you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 09:08 AM

"Doctor, I'm having real trouble pronouncing my Fs and THs..."

"Well, you can't say fairer than that, then..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:33 AM

Doctor came into the ward to see a patient recovering from surgery.

"I have good news and bad news," sez the doc.

"So what's the good news, Doc??"

"Well, in the end we only had to remove half of your leg!"

"That's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

I went to the doctor. He told me I had hypochondria.

I said wearily, "Well I might as well have it. I've got everything else..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:20 PM

After his operation, Bill was told by the surgeon that he had some bad news and good news for him.....firstly, unfortunately they had made a mistake and removed his good leg. However the good news was that his bad leg was getting better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:30 PM

Doctor is saying to patient, ""Good news and bad - the good news is that I found the pills that will help you, but you'll have to take one a day for the rest of your life."

Chap says, "Oh, at least I'm alive, so I don't mind that!"

But looking at the bottle of pills he notices that there are only two in the bottle, and he looks back up at the doc.

"Ah yes," says the doc, "I haven't got round to the bad news yet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 08:24 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!"


Hey, Lone Ranger, what time is it?

Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten...


...And where are you going with that car-load of rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 06:37 AM

A big hole opened up in the road outside our local police station. A spokesman for the police said they were looking into it.

-

And some of our cops were seen rehearsing their annual Christmas pantomime round at the local recycling centre. A spokesman for the police said they were acting on a tip.

-

And then someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilet seats. A spokesman for the police said they had nothing to go on.

(It's the way I tell'em!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 07:02 AM

Man wakes up in a hospital bed after a motorcycle accident, and Screams:
"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"No sir, we amputated your hands!"

_______________________________________________________


Woman gets a phone call from the local A&E unit:
"Mrs Jones, your husband is here, he had an accident at work and we've had to amputate his finger."

"His whole finger?"

"No, the one next to it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 09:39 AM

The police canine centre was broken into last night and numerous items taken. A police spokesman said they definitely have no leads.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:46 AM

I've been a copper for twenty years. Anyone who tries to tell me that the police are corrupt can kiss my Rolex.

A policeman looks down at his stomach. He mutters to it, "You're under a vest..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:51 AM

A woman is in court, accused of killing her husband by hitting him over the head with his guitar.

The judge peered up at her over his specs and said, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, Your Honour. First a Les Paul, THEN a Fender..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 11:04 AM

Ken Dodd, one of my all-time favourites, once said "I'm not saying thatm I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped me mother..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 05:59 PM

Then a Fender... A+

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:00 AM

Donuel, I suspect that many, if not most, people on this side of the pond cannot see why your last post is humourous. Could you please explain.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:20 AM

I think he was giving the guitar joke an A-star, Raggtytash. Sadly, not a Shaw original, though I wish it was. I sent it to my guitar-playing lad this morning and he nearly fell off his chair. You do have to know what a Les Paul is first, though, and if you have to explain it, either before or after telling the joke, well, er, the moment has passed...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:17 AM

Well I did fall off my chair and busted a mirror that could give me seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:24 AM

If mods ever read these these threads, for example to take time off from obsessing over our one-and-only Brit thread, may I plead with them to remove the extraneous letter m from my Ken Dodd joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:46 AM

Bloke starts a new job looking after a chipping machine in a potato processing plant. The gaffer tells him that it often jams but he must never put his arm in to free it.

Of course on the first day it jams and he sticks his arm in to free it with subsequent loss of limb. His co-workers pack the arm in a plastic bag and rush him to the hospital. Next day, arm stitched back on, he is in work bright and early. The manager reminds him that he must never put his arm in so when it next jams he tries freeing the blades by stamping on the blockage.

Surprise, surprise. He loses his leg. As before, his work mates pack the leg in ice in a plastic bag and rush him to hospital again. Next morning he astounds everyone by waltzing in as if nothing had happened. The gaffer, getting a bit wiser, tells him to never put a limb in the machine. At the next jam he heeds the advice and tries to headbutt the blockage to force it through. Well, as you can imagine, he is decapitated so his pals put his head on ice in a plastic bag and take him to hospital.

The next day he doesn't turn up so the boss nips round to the hospital to find that the poor chap had suffocated...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

Two dim wits are sitting in lawn chairs in one of their back yards, knocking back beer after beer on a warm summer night ... just staring at the stars in the sky.

After a while, one turns to the other and says wistfully:

"So what do yah figure is farther ... Florida, or the Moon?"

The other one laughs & says to his friend:

"You know ... you're a f--king idiot. Can you SEE Florida?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:31 AM

I'm singin' in Ukrain, just singin' in Ukraine
What a glorious feeling It's Crimea again.
I'm laughing at smoke, so dark afar
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for war

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place
Come on with the tanks, I've got troops on my flanks.
I'll walk down the trench with a gun in my clench
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Why am I smilin' and why do I cling?
Why does February seem sunny as Spring?
Why do I get up each morning to start shooting
And get up with mud in my gun?
Why is each new attack, so fun to do?
cause I am living a life of Russain troops

I'm clingin' to Ukraine, just clingin' to Ukraine
What a glorious feeling we're Russain again.
I'm laughing at smoke so dark above
The sun's in the sky and I'm ready to die.

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place.
Come on with the ice, I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:03 PM

And the punch line is what?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:31 PM

You, apparently.

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I think I have a split personality, said Steve, being frank.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:57 PM

Oi, mate, just count the number of real jokes that I've posted in this thread!! Let's all stick to jokes from now on, shall we? Tell your pal!

Chap goes to the doctor who tells him he has good news and bad news.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good news, Doc!"

"Well, this is the last annual prostate examination you'll be needing..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:32 PM

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I agree.

Mrrzy, what was the joke that you added? I seem to have missed it.



I think I have a split personality .....

That makes four of us.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:35 PM

Sorry Mrrzy. I've just seen the Steve/Frank connection. I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 03:44 PM

I agree with you, Doug. Me too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 07:53 PM

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 09:31 PM

Snicker at you two!

Apparently Paris rarely floods.

That's because the water is normally l'eau.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 10:19 PM

Would it still be permissible to repeat the old one about the L-n-t-c who drowned himself while in Paris? Punchline, "he was in Seine"/"insane". Scared to write the "L Word" in full, or tell this weak pun in public, lest someone seize the opportunity to take offence at the essential word.

Much prefer the one about the Frenchman seeing the tide rising and saying, "Merci", though the play on sounds might only be instantly understood in Scotland.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:40 PM

Why do the French have a single egg at a time?

Because one egg is an œuf.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 03:06 AM

There was once a mother cat with four kittens who, for reasons which need not concern us, were named Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre. Their story ends tragically.
One cold winter's day their local pond froze over, and they went out to play on the ice. However the ice was too thin, and it broke, and Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre - cinq!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 04:24 AM

Your jokes are in Seine, Mrzzy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 05:45 AM

L-n-t-c ??       the "L Word" ???

Give me a clue, please!




What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 06:39 AM

One egg is un œuf surely?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:25 AM

He was a good egg until he cracked.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Humpty Dumpty and Chicken Licken have just made love and are lying back, enjoying a post-coital cigarette. Humpty says:

"At least we know the answer to the question."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 10:18 AM

Excuse me, this is a joke thread, not a yolk thread. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:50 AM

My mate Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean Joe lean...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

Oh I am reminded of this old chestnut:

Remember Divine Brown, with whom Hugh Grant was caught canoodling? Apparently back when that story broke, Bill Gates was smitten with her, and got Hugh to set them up for an evening.

Afterwards, Bill says dreamily, I can see where you got the name Divine.

And I, said Divine, see where *you* got the name...

...Microsoft.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:10 PM

I was in a bar yesterday and saw three rather obese ladies talking. I heard an accent and thought they must be Scottish, so I said ‘’ Are you three lassies from Scotland?. They chorused back rather nastily, ‘’WALES’’. I said ‘’ OK, are you three Whales from Scotland’’? That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in hospital!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:19 PM

I told the doctor I couldn't get the song "Green green grass of home" out of my head

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome and when I asked if that was common he said "It's not unusual"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 02:08 PM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). A twinkle came into elephants eye as he agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred you shnake.!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 03:40 PM

One egg is un œuf surely?

A good egg's ample?


I heard a true pun tonight on R4 (or 4extra)- Sally Philips' friend is a Yarn Bomber and goes by the pseudonym of.............

Deadly Knit Shade

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 11:57 AM

A bloke rang his mate to tell him that he had two bits of bad news.

"Don't mess about," said his mate, "Just blurt them both out at once!"

"OK, I'll tell you then...Your wife is cheating on both of us..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 12:06 PM

Bob and Mick had both been keen footballers. But, sadly, Bob was on his deathbed.

"Sez Mick, "Promise me that when you get to heaven you'll send me down a message to tell me whether they play football in heaven," to which Bob agreed.

So Bob died and went to heaven. A few days later, a ghostly voice appeared to Mick in his dreams. It was Bob...

"Mick, great news! They DO play football in heaven!"

"...But the bad news is, you're in goal on Friday..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 04:23 PM

Speaking of football, I have been watching the African Cup of Nations (sorry, Côte d!Ivoire!) and in this game with Mali there are 2 refs, one much taller. Equatorial Guniea was, unsuccessfully, calling for a foul, and the guilty-looking opponent was fiddling around behind the line...

Don't waste time in the back, Mali,
The big ref said to play on!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:07 PM

Liverpool have three of their star players (Mo Salah Egypt, Naby Keïta Guinea, Sadio Mané Senegal) in that competition. We are literally pooping our pantalons in case they come back injured. At the same time, it's a wonderful competition. I can only take in so much football and at the moment the season is so thrilling that I'm watching three or four domestic or European games per week. If I watched the African competition as well, Mudcat be bereft of my contributions. And that would be no joke... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

WOULD be bereft!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:57 PM

Have I missed something or were the two posts above (at 4:23pm and 5:07pm) focussed purely on (yawn!) football?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.

Still, followimng the principle of "At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!"

It was the birds versus insects football match. Within 5 minutes the birds scored their first goal. Another quarter of an hour saw two more goals and by half time, the insects were down 5 - nil. The second half saw the birds add yet another two goals. With 15 minutes to go, the insects made a substitution. A beetle came off and the centipede came on. Within a minute he had scored. Then another and another. Like a tornado, he moved across the pitch scoring goal after goal. By the final whistle, the insects had won 10 - 7.

After the match, the two coaches were talking. The birds coach said what fantastic player the centipede was and asked his opposite number why he hadn't been brought on earlier.

"Oh, he's a fantastic player, alright," said the insect coach, "but it takes him that long to get his boots on".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:09 PM

Well I've posted so many quality jokes in this thread, Doug (count 'em!), that I feel I might be permitted a slight, benign diversion in order to address Mrrzy's excellent though off-topic point about football. I can only conclude from your curmudgeonly intervention that you must be a Man U fan. Very sad.

And that last joke of yours is so old that I'm guessing that it was first told to Methuselah by Noah...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:21 PM

... you must be a Man U fan.

Not any sort of fan. I don't even know which end the wickets go.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 07:08 PM

Your loss, pal, and that's no joke!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 10:31 PM

Mine *was* a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 04:15 AM

Oh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 06:25 AM

One of Barry Cryer's favourite jokes, in honour of that great funnyman:

"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.

"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:32 AM

I guess "Don't waste time in the back, Mali, The big ref said to play on!" is a pun but I can't figure it out yet!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

Big Muddy.

Anyway, why don't grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 01:15 PM

You wouldn't get Barry Cryer telling that one. :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:18 PM

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”


The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 09:19 PM

A horse went into a bar during happy hour and ordered a pint. The horse paid the really cheap happy hour price and started to drink his pint.

Eventually the barman said to the horse, "Hey, mate, you've just enjoyed a nice cheap pint in my nice warm pub, so why the long face?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 06:02 AM

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken tested positive.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:37 AM

I swear he's dense , look at the way the light bends around him!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:54 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic) - excuses, excuses. Wouldn't wash today!

If I said I was discalculic - would that count?

But I can count up to 2...............
I'll get my coat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:43 AM

A weasel walked into a bar. 'What are you drinking;;? asked the barman. 'Pop' goes the weasel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three
to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've
got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing
all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.   His jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Feb 22 - 06:50 AM

Edge and Bono walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, “Not U2 again!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:20 PM

Right Honourable Lord Justice Shawp listened intently to a 10 year old who claimed his mother beat him, his father beat him and even his only other relative great aunt Liz beat him. Against protocol the judge asked the young man who he preferred to be his Guardian.
He said Manchester United, they don't beat anybody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:32 PM

So as protect you from Raggytash, I should inform you that Manchester United are currently fifth in the English Premier League, arguably the top domestic league in the world. They topped their group in the group stage of this year's Champions League, arguably the greatest club competition in the word, and are playing in the last 16 this week. Do keep up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:41 PM

Joke thread, Steve.

At the Super Bowl a man notices an empty seat. Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:56 PM

That's a good 'un! Reminds me of the Billy Connolly one about the bloke who buried his wife in the front garden, leaving her bum sticking out. His mate asked him why he'd buried her with her bum sticking out. "Well I've got to have somewhere to park my bike!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 03:45 AM

Manchester United, they don't beat anybody. aka Manchester Untidy

A bit like Aston Vanilla - easily licked. (by Birmingham Titty &/or West Bromwich Ambulances)

I could have added Preston Both Ends, Rent A Sunderland & Acrid Tone Stanley, with apologies to US readers for being too parochial

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 04:14 AM

Or, as Billy Connolly said about his boyhood local club, he always thought its name was "Partick Nil."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 05:59 AM

Too parochial? Then go political instead! Manchester Citeh? Chelski?


I haven't worked one out for Paris St Germain as yet...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:27 AM

An Asylum seeker arrived at Dover to be met by a Government fairy who offered him three wishes. The asylum seekers first wish is for food and a good meal appears before him. His second wish was for good and large accommodation and a lovely large four bedroomed house with a swimming pool was readily available. For his third wish he asks to be a British citizen and everything vanishes…… ‘’Where has it all gone’’?, he asks the fairy. She replied ‘’You are a British citizen now so you’re entitled to nothing’’!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:44 AM

The White Nationalist 'Mein Koch' Cookbook has added new recipes to their white bread and mayonaise classic; KKKabbage slaw, Gazpacho Police Soup, Schindler's Bisque, Marjorie Greene's tossed salad,
Lynched Chicken Filet, Broth Keepers Chili and Proud Big Boy's Burger.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 09:55 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

A bloke in the pub was bragging about his successful marriage. His mate asked him what his secret was.

He said, "Well, for our 25th anniversary I took her on a surprise luxury trip to the South Sea islands..."

"Wow, that's great! So what will you be doing for your 50th?"

"Well, I'm going back there to pick her up..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 10:57 AM

A man sits, at a few minutes past midnight, weeping quietly in his kitchen. His wife comes doown and asks, what is up? He answers, it's our 20th anniversary... She starts to tear up. He says, remember how we met? You were 15, I was 18, at that dance? Her tears spill, but she's smiling. Remember how later, your dad caught us in the back of my car? And threatened me with a 20-year sentence for statutory rape?

I'd have gotten out today...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve hopes Manchester City beats Rottingham Hoturds this Saturday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:00 PM

All I want is see beautiful, flowing football played by two skilled teams, men or women. The only way I can think of putting a joke into this post is by inserting the two words "American football..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:24 PM

I think the NFL is judged/refereed more subjectivly than figure skating. It aint Baseball.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:36 PM

Joke thread?

Why don't helicopters fly in the mornings?

Twirly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Feb 22 - 03:04 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

From a man who know everything!

(Hint) funny relates to your "sphere of exposure" (aka knowledge). Following the minutia of US politics would explain, but it might shock. Truly shock. You wouldn't believe!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 06:34 AM

The Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 03:24 PM

A group of 40 yr old men met and were discussing where they should have lunch. They agreed to meet at The Black Horse because the barmaids had big breasts and wore mini skirts. They met again aged 50 and decided on the Black horse again as the waitresses were attractive , the food was good and they had great beer. Aged 60 they met again and decided on the Black Horse again because it had good parking, the music was not too loud and it was good value for money. Aged 70 they met again and decided on the Black Horse because there was good wheelchair access and they had a toilet for the disabled. Aged 80, they met again and decided on the Black Horse for lunch as they had never tried there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 04:46 AM

Knock knock
Who's there?
Grand Dad
.
.
.
.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!!



Barry Cryer

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

I told Bill Withers that ‘’Aint no Sunshine’’ was not good grammar…… He replied ‘’I know, ,I know, I know, I know, I know.’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 06:44 PM

That grandad one has had me quietly belly-laughing all day!

Here's another Barry joke:

An 82-year-old man goes to his doctor. “I want a complete physical examination. I’m about to get married,” says the old man.

“How old are you?” the doctor asks.

“I’m 82 and she’s 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything’s working properly,” says the old man.

The doctor says, “24! Well, I’ll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.”

“Yes, yes, what a good idea,” says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. “Did you get married?” asks the doctor. “How’s your young bride?”

“She’s pregnant,” says the old man proudly.

“And, erm, how’s the lodger?” says the doctor nervously.

“She’s pregnant too,” says the old man...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:57 AM

Overheard in a bar in Rome circa AD 45

Galdiator 1  A Martinus, bar tender.
Bar Tender  Did you mean Martini ?
Galdiator 1  If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for one


Gladiator 2  calls for 5 beers and holds up two fingers separated

OK, № 2 is a visual joke, two fingers one hand. From Victoria Coren-Mitchel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 07:29 PM

I had a friend, his girlfriend was a midget.

He was nuts over her.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 09:05 PM

Your first one is a cracker, your second one is in serious need of a rethink.

Picasso was burgled, and he did a drawing of the robbers. The police arrested a horse and two sardines.   (Kudos, Barry Cryer!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:29 AM

A Desperate Ukrainian posted 'Mercedes for Sale @ $10'
No one responded, until an old man needed anything to evacate.
A Lady sold him a Maybach Mercedes with 12,000 Kms, for $10.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, tell me why was this car so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased Russain husband, it's written that the money from the sale of his Mercedes would go to Russain veterans.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:39 AM

Jesus wept.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:27 AM

Mods please change the title of this thread to The Critic Corner :^~

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:41 AM

I used to think I was really good in bed, then I discovered that all my girlfriends had asthma.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:45 AM

That was one from the great Ken Dodd. Here's another:

"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:46 AM

How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:51 AM

And another Doddy one:

"We went to see a topless lady ventriloquist last night. Nobody saw her lips move..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:53 AM

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Dunno. It's never been tried...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:00 AM

If it wasn't for scatological, religion and alcoholic jokes, Seve' would have no holy shit drunk jokes at all and would only make fun of gender and race.

Prince Andrew was a mite in shining armour.
Now e's just a dick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:09 AM

What do Newquay plastics and Cornish pasties have in common?
They're both made in Cornwall.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:31 AM

Judge Judy: There is a reason God gave you one mouth and two ears, now shut up.
Defendant: Your honor, some people talk out of their ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 11:44 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and the Ukraine thread for talking about our concerns and fears regarding the terrible situation there instead of making up silly names for a brutal dictator?

Anyway, here's a joke:

I tried to phone up the spiritual leader of Tibet, but the next day I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 02:50 AM

Jesus wept.

so would you with nails in your hands

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 05:57 AM

I'm no Bible scholar but I believe the weeping referred to (in the shortest verse of the Gospels, apparently) was on a different occasion. I haven't got a Bible to hand so I can't nail that right now... (see what I did there?)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 06:37 AM

Sadly, Radio 3 has just been playing some of that shite jazz (which is most of it in my intolerant and prejudiced opinion), and it reminded me of this old chestnut:

Q. What's the difference between rock music and jazz?

A. Rock music has three chords and an audience of thousands, whereas jazz has thousands of chords and an audience of three.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 09:43 AM

A banjo player and a piano accordion player are playing a New Year's Eve gig at a local club. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other, then the club owner, and the banjo player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 01:00 AM

What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 08:17 PM

Hershey chocolate is absolutely no joke, I can assure you. Unfortunately, it's available here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

My ex-wife and I were driving through North Wales when we went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
We were not so much arguing as having a heated discussion on the pronunciation of the place name, when we saw a ‘Burger King’. We decided to stop and eat and at the same time ask a local how to pronounce the name. Whilst my ex was ordering the food, I asked a blonde member of the staff if she could help by pronouncing the name of the place we were in but syllable by syllable and slowly. She said ‘’Certainly Sir’’ The name of the place we are in is………………………
BBuuuuuurrrrrggggggeeeeerrrrrrr KKKKiiinnnnnggg.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 08:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and not having an inane editorial preface by the mayor of joketown.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if, for a welcome change, you contributed something to this thread that was actually funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:45 AM

Yes Mayor. Humphrey will get on that with all deliberate speed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:52 AM

I agree donuel, the self-appointed mayor of joketown needs to be impeached. Let's keep it light and non-judmental.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:14 PM

The Mayor prefers to say the election was overturned. The matter will be ultimately settled in the fullness of time, when the moment is right, upon the recounting of the recounted recounts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:29 PM

Whoa, "non-judgemental".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:46 PM

Well let's just ignore you two silly buggers and consider instead two classic Billy Connolly funnies (read them in his accent for best effect):

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything - I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was 'How are you getting on?'"

Bonnie Prince Charlie: the only man ever to be named after three sheepdogs...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:51 PM

The former Mayor aka The faster master of hereafter disasters was responsible for African style shake down roadblocks called the burley gates by the locals.
Peter Smalls says it was refreshing to see corruption in the light of day and become so transparant.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra back from a US tour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:17 AM

Putin, during a during a JD Power award ceremony for the troops said: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of my Russia, drop by drop.”


A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Putin, why drag things out? Give it all now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 04:09 PM

That is in bad taste in what is supposed to be a joke thread. What is the matter with you?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:27 PM

On mudcat
an American said I have the freedom to go to the White House and yell Down with Biden. So what, the Russain said. I can go to the Kremlin and yell that too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:56 PM

Told to me by the magician from the atheist conference:

A magician goes for a blow job. When he's done, his partner says wait, are you really done, there was no ejaculate. Says the magician...

...Check your ear!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 06:20 PM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 07:48 PM

Sorry Mzzry you'll have too explain that one to me to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:32 PM

I got it, Mrzzy. Lol and eeyuhh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:37 PM

Lol? Really??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:24 PM

This is a joke thread, not a pissing contest. Lighten up, dude.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:35 PM

Perhaps England does not have table magicians like the US.
Magicians are master distractors. I have been amazed.
Maybe its a trick like this.
Some jokes aren't meant for everyone.
I'm still pondering Bill's Arab joke about a big nostril.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Top pop songs in Russia: Crimea River and Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Get a grip, yanks, you're simply confirming the stereotype...

A couple from the great Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctor and told him that I thought I was becoming a kleptomaniac. The doc said, here, take these tablets and if you're no better in a week bring me a colour TV...


I said to the waiter, hey, this chicken you brought me is stone cold. He said, I'm not surprised - it's been dead for two weeks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:40 AM

The Mayor of Joketown is suspected of Putinesque poisoning of enemy comedians. Invention of jokes has a vastly different definition than repeating and borrowing jokes. Inventors beware.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:54 AM

I look around and I can't see any of these alleged "comedians..." If only we could agree that a joke is something to make us giggle, lighten the mood, mitigate this vale of tears in which we live...not something to make us squirm, feel sick or groan with embarrassment, something we end up wishing we hadn't read... Georgiansilver, where art thou!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:12 AM

Bill Mauldin cartoons banned in Russia.
Black History banned in Oklahoma and Texas.
Sense of humor banned in UK village.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:22 AM

The new medication to mitigate depression and vale of tears is called Screwitall. It comes in a fast acting inhaler or the longer lasting suppository.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 12:55 PM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:19 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach the other day. Half the time I was in floods of. tears, the other half I was laughing my head off. It was an emotional roller-coaster...


I went to buy a train ticket to go to France.
"Eurostar?" said the ticket agent.
"Well, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:31 PM

Ernie in the care home went down to the weekly sing-song. He enjoyed himself, but the care workers were very worried because he kept beginning to fall sideways and they kept having to push him back upright. They were so concerned that they called the doctor to his room after the sing-song.

"Are you feeling OK, Ernie?"

"As right as rain, Doctor!"

"Hmm. Do you like it here, Ernie?"

"I love it, Doc. The only thing is, they won't let me fart..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:53 PM

'Can We Take a Joke' is a film worth watching.

"The duty of a comedian is to find the line and then deliberately cross it".
George Carlin

I expect the right wing to crave censorship but I am surprised that the left wing is now going safe zone for everyone with inane censorship or worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 04:16 PM

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped my mother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:39 AM

How do you determine the gender of an ant       Put it in water ; if it sinks = girl , if it float = buoyant

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:43 AM

A theist and an atheist having a debate about origins . After awhile the atheist host says “. I’ll better go and do the coffee , it won’t make itself “       “    Why not “ says the theist !

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 05:36 AM

Well at least we know that God has a wicked sense of humour: he created bacon then forbade his chosen people from eating it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 09:25 AM

A pair of Scottish ones.

Q. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

A. Bing sings but Walt disnae...



I went into a Scottish baker's shop. I pointed to a confection in the window and said to the baker, "That looks tasty. Is it a cake or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a cake..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 12:03 PM

The ant joke has reminded me of an incident in my childhood. The family was on holiday, and we ended up at (in?) Poole harbour. My father and mother kept saying: "Look, there's a buoy in the water," but however hard I looked I couldn't see anybody.

Mind you, I've had my revenge on the next generation. There's a certain shape of nose (and an accompanying joke) that I inherited from my father, and bequeathed to my son. Only recently did our daughter tell us that she took ages to work out why the primary-school teachers burst out laughing whenever she said "noses run in our family".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 08:25 PM

"Our Dog hasn't got a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Dreadful."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Apr 22 - 06:56 AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on a gap year in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, but eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Don’t think it was the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 22 - 05:31 AM

This went in the wrong thread, so yertis in the right one! Ahem...

Not quite on-topic, but I can't resist. It was my uncle's funeral yesterday (I wasn't close and I didn't go), at Blackley cemetery near Heaton Park. As the coffin slowly disappeared from view, the song played was Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 02:26 PM

Chappel was attacked this morning while performing his comedy.
Chris Rock was there too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 09:05 PM

Patrick the rest home gigolo is respondsible for a mass spreader event in more ways than one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 05 May 22 - 06:23 AM

Only Chappel's (actually with a double "l") I can think of are former Australian cricketers with Greg probably being the most noted of the brothers. Mind you, Donuel's "jokes" usually have me stumped...?

Anyway, as I can't think of anything better, back to a silly childhood one.

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spider.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 11 May 22 - 05:28 PM

If Freud were alive today he might say "sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 06:56 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 07:06 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …...........soda."

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 May 22 - 12:35 PM

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a whisky and soda. 'Why the long face'? asked the barman.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:23 PM

An ass hole authoritarian walked into a bar and everyone else left.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:45 PM

If Michael Bolton is making a comeback. why not Bob Dylan?
Because Michael Bolton is making a comeback.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 06:24 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks "What's this about?"

The barman replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to try it?"

The chap replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 07:41 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the barman even returns with the bill, the man has necked ten of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the fellow finishes his final shot, the barman asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The chap replies, "You'd be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The barman asks, "Why, what do you have?"

The bloke says, "25p..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 11:04 AM

Times have changed. People used to make bathtub gin during prohibition
Now they make internet bathtub baby formula.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:18 PM

Today on MSNBC
Coming up: President Biden on Baby Formula.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:21 PM

Maybe he'll tell us a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 10:28 PM

https://www.davideriknelson.com/sbsb/index.php/2017/10/this-is-a-kinda-rapey-application-of-steve-shaws-psychokinetic-touches/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:23 AM

That is seriously offensive. You have no judgement, have you? Idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:40 AM

Only if you are that Steve Shaw, no?

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.“
-A Shaw, but not Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:03 PM

The intention was transparently obvious. Disingenuousness doesn't suit you. The allusion to rape in a piece with my name in it is utterly disgraceful. Anyway, here's a hearty Irish joke (from the Irish Post, so don't blame me!)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after Mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"He did, Father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:26 PM

There are more Steve Shaws than you can shake a shtick at.
My comic gods know how to find the line and cross it.
You are a Milton Burle joke theif and I am a George.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 03:50 PM

The only thing you are is a confounded bloody idiot. Do keep on showing yourself up. It could become quite enjoyable, though I'm sure the narrative will disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:32 PM

Whatever you say, but I am kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:49 PM

You're nothing. You're just an idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 May 22 - 05:30 PM

Why do the French eat snails?


......


......


......


They don't like fast food.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 06:04 PM

I wonder exactly how many French people actually do eat snails...or frogs' legs... (not to detract from your excellent joke - at least some of us round here actually know what a joke is...)!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:26 PM

Donuel, your "jokes" do not translate to this side of the pond, if indeed they are jokes.

This has often been a problem for American comedians trying the ply their craft in the UK.

Your link earlier, if it had happened in the UK, would be seen to be in very poor taste (at the least) and would not be found to be "funny" in any way, shape or form.

Steve's jokes are often, to many of us here on this side of the water, old and perhaps jaded but they have the distinct advantage of being funny and sometimes they are downright bloody hilarious.

Perchance you could learn some humour (correct spelling) from him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:29 PM

Just an after thought, do your fellow Americans find them funny.

A genunine question, I am curious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:24 PM

They may be old and a bit jaded, Raggytash, but they're not as old as some of Jim's were! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:45 PM

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spiky object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend “Hey Paulo, it’s a mine, it’s a mine!” Paulo replies,” OK, Luigi, you can-a have it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 12:21 PM

A keen gardener had, over the years, built up his hobby into a successful business and was now doing very well for himself; enough, in fact, to provide his daughter with a private education at one of the country’s leading public schools. In spite of this, he had never lost his country ways. When asked for the secret of his success, he would reply loudly “Manure, manure and more manure!”. This caused his prim and proper daughter acute embarrassment.

Knowing that he was likely to be interviewed on television at the upcoming RHS Chelsea Flower Show, she said to her mother, “Oh Mummy, can’t you get him to call it fertilizer?”

“You leave him be, my dear” replied her mother. “It took me nigh on 15 years to get him to call it manure!”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 01:28 PM

100 years ago an American joke was spawned from the back rooms of Vaudville. In the day people auditioned for the vaudville stage and you never knew what you were going to get. This is a version of the joke that was told only among comedians in private and has evolved over the years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
Olde jokes don't do it for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 02:27 PM

comedy roasts including the roast of donald trump
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXo31OBIdUw

dead
comedians
being serious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqPy5SXQ_qw

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 18 May 22 - 06:42 PM

I listened to about 15 seconds of your first post Donuel, not only was it crude it was offensive.

I suspect that if your American brothers and sisters listened to it they would be appalled.

If I was a moderator it would delete the post and censor you for posting it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:05 PM

At least the "olde jokes" can give you a groan or a belly laugh in turns. That link was completely disgusting and I don't know what you think you were doing posting it without giving us a health warning first. One thing's for sure: it has nothing to do with jokes. You are wrecking this thread and it's becoming more and more difficult to get past you and restore the spirit of the thread by telling actual jokes, "olde" or not.

On topic, a groaner perhaps (but still a joke):

"Is there anything great about Switzerland?"

"I don't know, but at least the flag is a big plus..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:16 PM

The link to the comedy roasts, posted above, opens a video titled "The Best of Gilbert Gottfried". If that is the best, I will skip the rest, thank you very much.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 22 - 08:59 AM

I wish a speedy recovery to the tender hearted exposed to the joke 'Aristocrats'. The accepted treatment and remedy is to watch Richard Attenborough twice a day for a week and avoid all contact or mention of of sex and bodiy fluids. Get well soon.

The exposure to this joke may cause wincing groans or seizures depending upon how much a distraction is needed after a tradgedy. The vaccinated suffer mild or no symptoms.
Vaccines are available at andrew/epstien.com

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 10:10 AM

It's not a question of being tender hearted - it's just that I don't want to waste my time on something that simply isn't funny.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 12:01 PM

? ? ?




Back to the joke thread:-

A woman was chatting to her neighbour over the garden fence, discussing their tomato plants. A day or two before, both of them had plants laden with unripe fruit but now his tomatoes were red and ready to pick while hers were still green. She asked him what he done to achieve such a transformation. He said that the night before, he had just got out of the bath and remembered that he needed to put something away in the greenhouse. He went out in just his bathrobe and slippers and as he reached up to put a box on a shelf, his bathrobe fell open, revealing his masculinity. He joked that the tomatoes must have blushed with embarrassment at the sight as overnight they had turned red.

That night, as she was getting ready for bed, she thought that she would give it a try. She went out into the garden and, after checking that no one was around, she opened her dressing wide. The next day she told her neighbour what she had done:

“Did it work?” he asked.

“No!” she replied. “They’re still green but the cucumbers have grown quite a bit.”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 May 22 - 07:54 PM

Gilbert Godfried and Bob Saget are both deceased now, so they won't be making any new videos. They are an acquired taste.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 22 May 22 - 12:03 PM

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 22 - 09:29 PM

An apple pie, a burger and a cheese sandwich walked into a bar.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't serve food here..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 May 22 - 08:02 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:36 AM

If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:39 AM

There was a gambler from Uoton New Hampshire. Who used a nude dancer
to screw the bet handler. When she bent over he quickly reached over
but did not elude his capture

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 May 22 - 09:06 AM

Anticrastination: putting off something till yesterday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 22 - 10:44 AM

Pro-procrastination.... after all, why put off until tomorrow, what you can do the day after?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 22 - 11:27 AM

I spent two hours this morning trying to decide whether to procrastinate, but in the end I just put it off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:05 AM

I figured I'd take a shot.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”

A Foreign exchange student is sobbing under desk
American student: “First time?"

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar? They never get old.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I think is
Betty White.

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?
School shootings have class and mass shootings are Catholic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:55 AM

Amerika is getting wierd. My brother went to the fights and a hockey game broke out. I went to the mass shooting and a Trump rally broke out.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:58 AM

Instead of polluting this thread, why don't you just start your own thread and call it "bloody bad taste thread?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:00 PM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:35 PM

Possibly from where its been his thumb had a bloody awful bad smell when he would toast "here's mud in your eye".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 25 May 22 - 02:40 PM

There has to be something seriously wrong with someone who can kill those children, there must also be something seriously sick about someone can joke about the killing of 19 children all aged about 9 or 10 years old.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:17 PM

Cheers, Raggytash. I'm really sorry now that I allowed myself to get through that revolting post.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:24 PM

Regarding the sick American psyche, I agree.
They are all just a google away.
The Lt. Govenor of TX calls gun control advocates SICK son ofa bitch assholes and are out of line. I believe the kids were in line when shredded by LEGAL military weapons.

I don't post the ones that said "They're just Blacks and Spics".
Raggytash,
Your empathy is refreshing. Americans are numbed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 05:56 PM

It wasn't about the "sick American psyche." It's about YOUR sick "sense of humour." You need to take responsibility for that post.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 07:32 PM

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then replies, "Your willy is bigger than your brother's..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 08:17 PM

ARE YOU RESPONDSIBLE FOR ALL RACIST, SEXIST, MURDEROUS, BODY SHAMEING, SEXUAL ACT, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE AND RELIGIOUS SACRILEDGE jokes ?
Best to steer clear of those perverted topics. I favor the truth, funny or not.
You are good at repeating sophmoric and grade school humor but live and let live.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:00 AM

You're jealous because you are so utterly unfunny. And you wouldn't know the truth if it reared up and bit you on the arse. And there's no need to shout. Go and find some fellow would-be puritans, sit around telling each other boy-scout jokes and wonder among yourselves why, in a world that's a vale of tears, none of you are laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:04 AM

No I am not jealous I am angry about guns and the people who profit from them and sad for the victims.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:12 AM

Chap went to the doc with a terrible stomach ache.

"I can't understand it, doc. I have a great appetite, I love my grub and now I'm just miserable!"

"So what have you had to eat today so far?"

"Well for breakfast I had six slices of toast, eight fried eggs, five sausages and half a pound mushrooms. Elevenses, three coffees and six or seven chocolate biscuits. For lunch I had two king-size burgers with extra fries and bacon with each one, a slab of chocolate cake, two Cokes and two bottles of beer..."

"Hmm. Well drop your trousers, bend over and let's take a look.... Ahah, I can see straight away what the problem is here..."

"What is it, doc?"

"Well, it appears that you only have the one arsehole..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:55 AM

My ex asked me the difference between Ignorance and apathy.... I told her 'I don't know and I don't care!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 10:26 AM

I think therfore I am.
Only you know if you are nothing.
If you don't think so you are nothing.

Tell some boy scout jokes. They're in the same pedophile chapter as your Priest jokes, if you like that sort of thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 08:12 PM

Troll.

A bloke wakes up in hospital after a terrible car accident. He looks down between his legs and, well, there's a key component missing...

The surgeon comes in and sez to the bloke, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a choice of three replacement willies for you in our freezer right now!"

"Oh wow!" sez the bloke. Tell me more!"

"Well, of course there will be a small charge. We have a six-incher, a sort of budget model, that would cost you five grand. Then there's the eight-incher at ten grand. The gold standard is our nine-and-a-half incher, but that one would set you back twenty grand...."

"Blimey," sez the bloke. "I'd love that last one, but can you get my wife in so that we can consult?"

An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came back in. "Well have you made a decision?"

"We have," said the chap. "We're having a new kitchen..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 22 - 10:56 AM

You can sometimes make fools of people, but many folks are the do-it-yourself type.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 May 22 - 11:24 AM

Observed in a butchers' shop in Nottingham:

    BACON MISHAPS

The butcher changed it to "bacon misshapes" after I laughed, because he thought I was mocking him; but I'd laughed because it was so delightfully *correct*.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 31 May 22 - 07:22 PM

How the 'Recipes: What are we eating?' thread was born.

A refined gentleman wakes up in hospital after an embarrassing car accident. He looks down between his legs and there's only a todger stump...
The surgeon comes in and said to the eunuch, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a willie for you in our fridge right now!" "Oh wow!" sez the blokette. Tell me more!"
"With your dismemberment insurance it can be done immediately"
"Blimey," says the halfman. "I'd love that but may I get my wife in to consult?" An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came in. "Well have you made a decision?"
"We have," said the obese chap. "We're building a new kitchen...despite my wife's immense enthusiastic curiosity regarding surgury."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 May 22 - 08:33 PM

You seriously need to see someone. Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 07:52 AM

While the joke retains the fact he wouldn't boink her with another man's dick, it gives the wife's explicit pov in an equal opportunity manner. Its now bigger than a size matters joke.
Ya know its only a matter of time when the word syndrome appears after your name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 01:26 PM

I entered the butchers shop and asked for 100 grams of bacon. The butcher said 'Lean back' so I leaned back and asked him again. This kept repeating itself

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 02:07 PM

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.
Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could. Sister Marry Clarance of the Assumption held her weight to the door, white as a ghost and muttered..
"On hh..his.. Pe.. Penis it has a..word...SWAN!" And then she ran off to her room.

The next morning Sister Gertrude Harmony of the Assumption quite sternly takes over as the ward of the sailor, lecturing the girls over breakfast of the sins of curiosity and the flesh!
“Is it true?” asked Marta. “Does he truly have ‘Swan’ tattooed on his spear of Adam?”“I’LL HEAR NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE!!” Yells Sister Gertrude as she storms out the room.
But the young ladies only became more intrigued. Being a particularly observant lot, they knew Sister Gertrude loved the communion wine as much as she loved the lord. So one night the postulates fortified the sacrament with some brandy. Soon Sister Gertrude was snoring.

All the girls were anxious, but none could muster the courage! Such trepidation! How does a young lady ask to see a strange man’s penis in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord?
A bath! Fetch water and soap! SSHH!! Don’t wake Sister Marry Clarance or Sister Gertrude. They’ll have our habits!!
While the four or so ladies scrambled for an alibi, the rest formed a circle around one. She was shy, quiet, timid, and quite pretty. Me!?! She asked.“Do it for us Mary? Please?! We may never see one! You must tell us what it’s like! And if it truly has a word on it.

Mary gathered her nerve, and sighed deeply. Then she took the wash basin, and with a confidence nobody knew she had, marched right into the sailor’s room.
She was even humming. Ten minutes later, the humming stopped.Twenty minutes later, strange noises the girls have never heard started.
Forty minutes later, the ringleader of the postulates stood by the door, banging on it every five minutes to hush them up.
Over an hour later, Mary came out the door, hair neat, habit in place, only a bit of flush and glow to give her away.

All the rest swarmed her like geese.“So...”“So what?” She said“Well does it...say...”Mary cut her off “Does it say ‘Swan?’”Mary turned and walked to the door turning back from the doorway she looked them all in the eye and smiled and said..

“No, It says "SASKATCHEWAN”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

"Holmes, I'm really struggling with this crossword. Could you help? This clue here: 'Pertaining to the digestive tract...'"

"Alimentary, my dear Watson."

"Ah, thank you! And this one, two words: 'Burglar sets off loud ringing bell...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

"That fits! Hmmm, how about this one, three words: 'Large ocean fish with flat body and wing-like appendages...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Cheers! But what about this one: 'Conservative MP sends money to ex-wife', two words..."

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one's really tough, Holmes: 'California-style...'"

"A la Monterey, my dear Watson..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 04:01 PM

For the first time in three years the Jehovah's Witness fellow called on me today (this is a true story, not a joke). I always have a banter with him as he's a dear old chap. His wife died during the pandemic and he's now 86 years old. He knows that I'm an incorrigible atheist but we see eye-to-eye on the woes of the world (maybe not how they should be fixed). If he comes in September he can have a big bag of apples from my trees, a bit of a ritual.

Anyway, this is a joke thread, and his visit reminded me of the old Tommy Cooper chestnut:

Two blokes knocked on my door today. All they wanted to do was talk to me about vacuum cleaners. I thought to myself, "Oh no, not the Jehoover's Witnesses again..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 02:05 AM

How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because he lies, saying he's done it, and everyone applauds him with enthusiasm. (Joke on my village Facebook this morning)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:44 AM

A topical joke, which happens to be accurate:

Father's Day: Nine months before Mother's Day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 10:35 AM

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

BREAKING NEWS
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:18 PM

Surely that can't be true. Rescuers would have to be very stupid indeed to think that so many bodies could possibly have fitted into a "small, two-seater Cessna plane". They would have to be even stupider not to have linked together the state of the bodies discovered, the presence of coffins of various ages, and the location of the crash, a cemetery, as offering a likely explanation. These people responding to this crash, presumably Irish people, must be represented as very, very thick indeed in this supposed joke.

The old ones aren't necessarily the best, when ye think about it. Try using the old stereotypes about certain other recognisable groups of people and see where that gets ye; got anything about Scots being parsimonious? Ken whit I mean, pal?

ABCD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:51 PM

In the same vein, how does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

First, he nicks three eggs...


(Now I feel I'm allowed that because I'm a Lancashire lad, and don't kid yourself into thinking that the Wars of the Roses was ever resolved...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 10:08 AM

Octoberfest all year long, just wear old shoes As usual, its no joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:32 PM

Mr Harkness walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Harkness hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which cost a quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Harkness, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Harkness leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Harkness returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 01:38 PM

I like Georgian's new jokebook.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 04:22 AM

Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer
saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thought "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.
Approaching the car, he noticed that there are five old ladies, two in
the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing
out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound
this whole time,"
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 07:01 AM

Ah, 75 mph ain't scary! Oh, wait, you guys arent in km, oops...

I am reminded of someone differentiating the US and UK by quipping, in the US they think 100 years is a long time, and in the UK they think 100 miles is a long way.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 11 Jul 22 - 09:05 AM

Mrzzy, 75MPH or 120KPH is the speed limit on Motorways in Ireland, many people push up this a bit so travelling at 80MPH or 128KPH is not uncommon.

I was stopped for speeding once in America the cop said when he looked at my license "Hey you got endoresments for driving ............... cool"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Neil D
Date: 14 Jul 22 - 09:06 AM

A young woman is walking along the beach with her little boy when a huge wave rolls in and crashes down upon them. As it recedes she realizes her son has been swept out to sea. She cannot see him and becomes frantic. She casts her eyes heavenward and says: "Oh Lord, I know I haven't always lived a righteous life but my son is life itself to me. If you return him to me alive I swear to live a better life and honor your name". Then she sees a tiny black speck, way up in the clouds. It grows as it gets nearer until she can make out a great albatross in very steep dive. It follows a sunbeam down to the water and then beneath the waves. After being out of sight for several seconds, it rises again from the sea and lo and behold the small child is riding on its back. The great beast flies ashore and deposit him in his mother's arms and then soars into the sunset. The ecstatic woman squeezes her wee lad til he squeals and rains kisses down upon his head. She holds him at arms length and satisfied he is intact she raise her eyes once more to the heavens and says "Um...he WAS wearing a hat".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jul 22 - 09:14 AM

Lol, Neil.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 02:30 PM

I recognized this as an old classic Jewish joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 03:30 PM

From a book translated from Italian:

Somebody got killed. Zap!”

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘zap’?”

“He got shot.”

"No. A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’ ”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 06:18 PM

Red goes to a New Year’s Eve party.
He’s having a great time but after a while he realizes he lost his wallet.
Red’s not a shy guy, so he stands up and says “Excuse me! Excuse me! I lost my wallet with $500 in it. I’ll give $50 to whoever finds it!”
From the back of the room comes a voice, “I’ll give $75!”

Every day, Morrie has lunch in the same deli, and every day Morrie orders the beef barley soup.

One day he gets his soup, and as the waiter starts walking away, Morrie says, “Come back here. Taste the soup.”

“What’s wrong, Morrie? You’ve had that soup every day for 30 years.”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it too salty?”

“Taste the soup.”

“Is it cold?”

“Taste. The. Soup.”

“Is there a fly in it, God forbid?”

“Taste the soup!”

“Okay, fine. I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”

“Aha!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 22 - 06:58 PM

I see that a couple of you are using the joke thread, once again, to tell things that are not jokes. So to put things right here's a couple from the mighty Ken Dodd:

“I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”

"I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped my mother."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:38 AM

I stepped into the popular 4 Seasons restaurant in DC and ordered Lake Trout. ‘I beg your pardon, sir’ apologized the waiter, ‘I can only serve you a Trump Trout’. What's the difference? ‘Well the Trump–Trout has no head’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:53 AM

Not a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 06:58 AM

No more non joke comments! It makes him Fuhrerious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 07:04 AM

Godwin. And that's no joke, you idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 22 - 07:39 AM

Famous original 1935 joke in Berlin:
I stepped into the popular Aschinger restaurant in Berlin and ordered a Bismarck herring. ‘I beg your pardon, sir’ apologized the waiter, ‘I can only serve you a Hitler herring’. ‘Well – what is the difference?’ ‘The Bismarck herring had a head, sir; the Hitler herring hasn’t’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jul 22 - 10:38 AM

Whatever troubles Adam had / No man could make him sore / By saying when he told a jest / "I've heard that joke before." Philadelphia Times, Feb. 23, 1890

From this.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 07:42 PM

I followed your link and read the jokes from 19th century America. I came to the conclusion that what I'd thought was my prejudice against American "humour" is, in fact, not prejudice at all. Not one titter was raised by any of those jokes. They are, quite simply, not funny in any objective sense. They represent misplaced wit that's hardly worthy of the name, and are just about as far from generating belly-laughs as it's possible to be. They are attempts to be over-clever by people who are complete strangers to clever.

I suppose you guys still think that Bob Hope ever said anything funny or witty. Tsk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 11:24 PM

"Don't worry Mom, the...[real]...jokes are coming" (B.H.)

Most of those C19th American "dry goods" (O.W.) struck me as similar to the standard fare of many currently popular American comedy shows, "sitcoms", and the like, in that for the most part I can see what the play on words, or allusion, or reference, or parody, is, but it's so obvious and banal that with a bit of revision it might be improved into something worthy of being included in a Christmas Cracker. For instance, this version is better than the American one cited:
"Ye've holes in baith yr socks"
"Whit? That cannae be; they're new!"
"How did ye get yr feet intae thaim, then?"

Characteristically, the following example of a play on words and meanings is less confrontational than the American one about the chimney, in which the youth seems to seize the opportunity to be needlessly unpleasant in a manner which would, a century later, arise in all triumphant splendour and spread like a malign web world-wide:
A well-to-do gentleman, leaving a hotel on the outskirts of a small Scottish village, passed by a youngster sitting at the roadside holding a short stick with a string attached, a bent pin tied to the end clearly visible through the two inches of muddy water in which he was "fishing". Indulgently, the wealthy visitor threw him a coin or two. Later - it was a small village - the tourist recognised the lad again.
"Well, Sonny," he said, "did you catch many fish today?"
"Naw... but Ah caught you".

I believe there's a Middle Eastern variant involving someone similarly "wise enough to play the fool", only his method involves carrying a net conspicuously into the desert. When the Sultan, Pasha, Vizier or whatever who has indulgently thrown the Village Idiot a shekel or two sees him later, there's not any net, and of course he mentions this.
"One does not need a net once one has caught the fish"

Ah, if you give someone a fish he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead, and you've just given up a good business opportunity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jul 22 - 11:32 PM

What was that Klingon one about teaching someone to fly that ends with But if you toss'm out the airplane they fly for the rest of their lives?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 22 Jul 22 - 04:11 AM

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute.
Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jul 22 - 09:55 AM

Give your husband a fish and he can eat for a day. Give him some fishing gear and you can get rid of him every weekend.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:29 PM

not quite the same pattern, sure, but more snappy than the traditional "give him/her/them an inch and he/she/they will take an ell", is this from some film/movie:
"Give a woman an acorn and before you know where you are you're up to your arse in oak trees". "Snappy" ain't necessarily the same as "short".
Leaving aside Mark Twain, one memorable example of Anerican wit is Lincoln's riposte to some Congressman who had challenged him to a duel: "A duel? Why certainly, Sir. What d'ye say to cow-dung thrown at ten paces?"

ABCD

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:48 PM

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian "fish and chips please" The librarian angrily says "This is a library".

The man whispers "Fish and chips please"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:56 PM

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be ‘unacceptable fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

The best part of this lawyer joke is that this is a true story.



23 Climate deniers have been consumed by wildfires. The families have lost every insurance claim on the grounds they were a hoax.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:01 PM

Man goes into butcher's shop and sez, I'll have pound of sausages, please.   Butcher smirks and sez, Hahah, sir, don't you know that it's kilos these days? OK, sez yer man, I'll have a pound of kilos then, please...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:20 PM

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:27 PM

At less than a thousandth of a kilo you could still have been 999mg.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 03:26 AM

Restaurant customer: "I'll have pissoles and chips please."

   Waitress: "What???"

"Pissoles and chips. That's what it says here on the menu."

   (studies menu) "That's a mistake - it should be an R."

"OK then, arsoles and chips."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 05:49 AM

I tell that one as a little boy going into the frozen food shop, Bob:

Little boy to the man in the shop: "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye pissoles, mister."

Man frowns in puzzlement, then a smile spreads across his face: "Aha, little boy, I know what it is you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK then, mister, please can I have a packet of Birdseye arseholes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 04:07 PM

More than half-a-century ago, in Glasgow, a wee wummin had read something in a magazine about French Cooking (except that it was called "Cuisine"). When she noticed that one of the big stores had started displaying exotic looking cakes and confectionery, she called a young shop-assistant and, pointing to one of them, asked,
"Is that a 'Gateau' or a 'Meringue'?"
The wee lassie, new to the work and not very familiar with foreign foods, replied,
"Naw, ye're right enough, it's a 'Gateau'".
.
.
.
.
.
(Just in case anyone needs an explanation, the local pronunciation of "a meringue" and "am Ah wrang?", anglice "am I wrong", would be indistinguishable)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 04:13 PM

Keep it simple!

I went into the baker's shop in Glasgow and pointed to a confection in the window, asking the baker, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

"Naw, you're right," sez he, "It's a cake."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 05:14 PM

Yes, that's pretty much how I heard it, long ago; but would that really be "internationally" grasped? I thought a bit of drama would, ultimately, enhance the humour ("humor"...).

Hud a big do at Christmas. Kidnae afford a turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:06 PM

It's all good! :-)

(And at least we Brits are telling jokes!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:41 PM

I suppose it would at least be putting it in a contemporary, and perhaps humorous, way if I were to object to the Pronoun...

I might be "British" on the ould Passport, at least until I try for an Irish one, rejecting being a "Subject" in a hereditary Monarchy, no matter how splendid it is said to be, for a "Citizen" of a Republic, no matter how corrupt it has proven.

My own preferred Pronouns to refer to myself are, "That there".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:51 PM

I qualify for Irish citizenship meself, as me gran was born in Athlone City. Last I heard, the authorities in Ireland were inundated, so I thought I'd wait a bit. In the immortal words of Victoria Wood, let's do it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 09:23 PM

Immortal, perhaps, but unknown to me (tho' VW herself isn't)!
Better add a joke, and this one gains a bit from context (as well as a knowledge of Scots pronunciation). It works best if someone in a group asks if anyone knows "a Dirty Joke", to which the reply "Joke the Coalman" seems either senseless or funny, depending on whether you recognise that in some places the name "Jock"...

Actually, that joke is now, here at least, clearly archaic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 03:24 AM

I see that a couple of you are using the joke thread, once again, to tell things that are not jokes

Now where have I heard that before?

--------"-------

A young lady is talking to one of her friends:

"There have been a lot of family weddings this year. I really enjoyed them but, at each one, granny would poke me with her walking stick, lean over and whisper 'You'll be next'. It got to be really irritating but I just responded with a smile and said nothing.

Then came the chance to show her how annoying it could be. I was surprised at her reaction at that funeral."

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:00 AM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). The elephant agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred !!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:30 AM

Mickey Mouse is in court, suing Minnie Mouse for divorce.
Judge: Sorry, Mickey, you can't have a divorce just because she's got crooked teeth.
Mickey: I didn't say she had crooked teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:43 AM

which tends to make a Joke of the well known advice about what not to do with "The Mouse". Another Scots one, this time with an American angle, concerning a difference between an Olympic swimmer and a cartoonist:
Mark Spitz and Walt Disney.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:47 AM

Like that other Scottish one: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings but Walt disnae...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jul 22 - 06:59 PM

Bing crooned, Loretta Lynn crones.

ps Steve keeps this thread going as a labor of love in memory of his father who I understand was a joke master.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bugsy
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 02:29 AM

A religious joke:

A Catholic Dog and a Jewish Dog were waiting to cross the road, when the Jewish Dog, Cocked his leg and piddled all over the Catholic Dog.

The Catholic shook himself and said "If this wasn't a Friday, I'd Bite your balls off!!"

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 06:53 AM

"Bing crooned, Loretta Lynn crones."

Genuine question to you all. Can anyone explain how or why this is "funny" it is totally lost on me.

Anyone ............................ ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 08:50 AM

its a play on words without the question but you're the foreigner in this case. Loretta is 90 and still singing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 09:03 AM

So the great Loretta Lynn is a crone? Is that supposed to be funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 12:12 PM

Calling a ninety year old woman a crone is NOT funny, never has been and never will.

I can only presume that you are sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 02:54 PM

I'm glad it's not just me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 05:15 PM

My wife said to me, these shoes are killing me. I looked at her and said, you've got them on the wrong feet. She said, but these are the only feet I've got...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 10:19 PM

Why did Raggy Tash cross the road?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 04:58 AM

Suck it up. You were well out of order.


The doc said to me, my diagnosis is that you've got hypochondria. I said, well I might as well have - I've got everything else...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:23 AM

and you do not know the definition of crone, laws of the US schedule one, civility, nor are you a proud recipient of a Presidential pardon.
You reveal your diagnosis daily and are not aging well.
You are aging dis gracefully.

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.
A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks:

"Have you witnessed the blue moon light up the darkest depths of the ocean?"

"Yes, master!" said the disciple enthusiastically.

"Have you witnessed the wind mercilessly slash at the unfaltering tree, only to help it grow more resilient?"

"Yes, master!"

"And have you witnessed the chilling water break against an immovable stone, seemingly accomplishing nothing?"

"Yes, master!"

After another brief silence, the wise master slowly opens his eyes and exhales: "Well there's your problem... You keep looking at random nonsense instead of learning!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:36 AM

My ex-wife once stood in front of the cheval mirror in our bedroom and exclaimed 'My hair is getting thin, my forehead is wrinkled, I have crows feet by my eyes, my neck is like chicken skin, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly is covered in stretch marks, my butt is soft and very wrinkly, I have cellulite on my thighs and my feet have gotten hairy.....please tell me something good about me' I said well love, you have great eyesight.!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:41 AM

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
Long
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God created Steve and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But Steve said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years he ate, slept, played and enjoyed himself. For the next forty years he slaved in the sun to al,ost support his family. For the next ten years he did monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years he sist on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:07 AM

A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of plastic wrap around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

An exhibitionist was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for another year.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:20 AM

Its time again for “Explaining Jokes to Idiots” and break down jokes for the humor-impaired like Will Smith types.
Comedians have been under attack for some time, So I must defend my tribe. This war on jokes must end. Crone jokes about wise women does not have anything to do with degradation any more than the chicken crossing the road is about bird flu.

Critics who feel entitled to silence jokes is the perfect illustration of cancel culture. I remind you that Gilbert Gottfried and Kathy Griffin “were tasteless” in their moments. “So what? That’s why we like them!” From Dave Chappelle through Sarah Silverman and Roseanne, all comedians are a little crazy, Maher said. “And you need crazy on that wall.”

“Soon there will be nothing to joke about but airline food and Starbucks getting your name wrong or worn weary stevie jokes from his dad's time.”

Thank God George Carlin isn’t around to see this.
We have to have free speech, Without it, we have nothing, and it doesn’t matter which group it is. When it is not acceptable to have an opposing view, we’ll end up with a totalitarian state.

Is it possible that society is so far gone that we’ll get to that point?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:32 AM

Google the definition of "crone" and get over yourself. If the members of your "tribe" ever read your material they'd stake you out on a red ant mound.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:46 AM

I know it by heart. The folklore version of crone is old, ugly and disagreeable and perhaps a witch. Its modern usage is of the archetypal wise woman.
Anyway a play on words isn't about the individuals but words and spellings. You need an education about the 5 main types of jokes.
Educate yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:51 AM

Well, I have learned from you what is not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 08:18 AM

That's fair - as in "She's a nice girl FOR YOU".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 10:20 AM

.... or describing someone as having "a good face for radio". I'm choosing to take "You've got a good voice for chanties" as a compliment, in the interests of domestic harmony.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 11:23 AM

Meanwhile, back at the thread title, one I've just heard in the family:

A cat dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Hello," says St Peter. "Why should I let you in?"

"I've been an alley cat all my life," says the cat, "never knowing where the next meal's coming from, and having nowhere comfortable to lay my head."

"OK, you're in," says St Peter, who has a soft spot for animals. "Would you like anything here?"

"A soft cushion to rest on, please," he says. "I've always wanted one of those." And it was so.

A couple of days later, along come some mice. "Why should I let you in?" says St Peter, kindly.

"We're poor mice," they say, "and we've spent all our lives running from cats and dodging mouse-traps."

"OK, you're in. Would you like anything?"

"Ooh, thank you," they say. "We've always wanted roller skates, so we could escape from the cats." And it was so.

A few weeks later, St Peter goes on a tour of inspection, and sees the cat on his cushion. "Hello, there. How are things going?"

"Wonderful," says the cat. "This cushion is really soft, and those meals-on-wheels you keep sending are delicious."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 12:01 PM

That reminds me we're having a Garrison Keillor Prarie Home Companion show coming to town.

Q: how do you get a autoharp player off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 01:05 PM

Poor Donuel. Must be those illegal mushrooms!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 03:32 PM

Rough?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 03:52 PM

Crone: a woman whose back goes out more than she does.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:51 PM

Magic Mushrooms are legal in the hospital down the street. Not criminal in many states and totally legal in Oregon. Spores are legal everywhere.
A remarkable end to human suffering seems like a good thing to me. Pro suffering folks are a drag but they are everywhere. They even joke about it. Being a teacher to little kids makes suffering a two way street. Old math teachers never die they just lose their functions.
Old teachers never die they just grade away.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:45 PM

Yep. It's definitely those mushrooms, poor chap.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 08:11 PM

What does an oboist use for birth control?
his personality

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 10:34 PM

My tribe believes in open minds and open hearts, unfortunately hateful mass shooters believe the same, but with AR15 bullets.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 03:10 AM

Tact is telling someone they're open-minded when they have a hole in the head.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 09:12 AM

Hey dude did ya bring anybody to the party?
You know it Dawg. I brought a girl that'll make you rock hard.
Whats her name?
Medussa

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 09:57 AM

~groan~

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:24 AM

2 Mudcat safety rules for jokes:

1. Show respect for your nation, corporation, gender and family.
2. Do Not Offend, anybody including company, boss or authority.

Keep in mind, too, that social media is not a place to share complaints. I recently saw a tweet from someone who “spent 15 years in soul-sucking Big Pharma.” Future employers or clients would likely pass on that individual, even if he or she had a perfectly good reason for having that sentiment. The fact is that every word about an employer should be positive, even in casual environments like social media or a networking happy hour–it’s just the more cowardly strategic move.

Do not offend. If a joke is about dogs, cats, crumpets and butter you are on safe ground. You already know it’s important to be a team player, which means speaking respectfully to your colleagues. But it’s sometimes difficult to put that knowledge into practice, especially the more familiar and casual your team becomes. If you get a laugh at someone’s expense, you’re already on dangerous terrain.

UK Exceptions: Jokes about genitals, wives, husbands, age, other religions, other philosophies, other races and nations.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:29 AM

That's a real knee-slapper.

Btw, what or who is a MeduSSa.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 11:20 AM

Midas and Medusa: a very brief affair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 11:42 AM

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Steve?' I said diffidently, 'Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 03:21 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gilymore - PM
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 10:29 AM

https://medusarcm.com/

In this episode of Reply Guy, a spelling error becomes an International incident...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 04:56 PM

A little girl said to her mother:
"Mummy, who was that lady who came to see Daddy while you were away?

"I don't know dear. Maybe we should ask Daddy".

"Daddy told me to stay in the garden, while they went upstairs" continued the little girl. Her father started to explain but his wife cut him off. "Save your explanations for my lawyer. "Carry on dear".

"I went upstairs and looked through the keyhole. They both got undressed and got in to bed".

"And then?" Asked Mum.

"And then they both did what you and Uncle Derrick did when Daddy was away".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 05:34 PM

Billy Connolly - The wee dwarf!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Jul 22 - 06:41 AM

Btw, who or what is a gillymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 03:50 PM

It is more gillyweed as seen in Harry Potter's tri wizard tournament.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 03:57 PM

Trump testified that he saw antifa demonstrators wearing Make America Gay Again hats and chanting "bang Mike Pense". The 55 inch TV in the dining room is to blame.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 04:06 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 04:12 PM

"I hope when you go home tonight, Snow White kicks your arse"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 05:48 PM

I suspect that if The Big Yin were to tell that joke today, he'd soon be following it with something like, "Cancelled?!!! F###in' "Cancelled"! Nivvurr wurrk again? Ach, f### it onywey. Ah kidnae care less - Ah'm f###in' loaded."

The man himself certainly considers the last phrase an adequate punchline, since he's used it so often. People do laugh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 22 - 08:46 PM

Billy Connelly realized that the best jokes are stories. True stories are best. Check out his movie 'The man who sued God'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Aug 22 - 07:59 PM

Moses, on having descended Mount Sinai, addressed his followers. "Good news and bad news I'm afraid, guys. The good news is that I've managed to get him down to ten, but the bad news is that he won't budge on adultery...."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 03 Aug 22 - 11:33 AM

Recalling an advert from my youth in Sydney, Australia:

With a couple of couples about to go away for the weekend, the gents are piling-up the back of a ute/coupé utility with tinnies (cans of Foster's Lager, maybe) when one of them considerately says something like: "Suppose we better add a bottle of sherry for the ladies, mate" - upon which the whole thing collapses, of course, and the other one says "Looks like we overdone it with the sherry, mate".

(Better, maybe, when I've said it at a pub, with a broad accent, and everyone having had a few.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Aug 22 - 02:19 AM

My sister just now sent me these jokes in her daily e mail:-

"Where are you now darling?" (wife to husband)
"Just pulling out of Paddington dear."
"Gosh, that must have made him drop his marmalade sandwich!"

and:-
What was left after the explosion in the cheese factory? De brie everywhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Aug 22 - 09:35 AM

And what would the consequence be of an explosion in a Frenchman's kitchen?



Linoleum blown apart...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 22 - 09:46 AM

I pregnant lady and husband were on a hospital elevator at 3 AM. "What floor is this", she asked. The weary husband hung his head and paused.
"I think its linoleum".



Somewhere in the Pentagon:
"I wish Donald Trump's Generals were as loyal as Hitler's Generals".
"Really, why"?
"Because Hitler's Generals tried to kill him".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 09:23 AM

Why can you not make clothes out of cheese?
Because fromage frays.

How do you handle hot cheese?
Caerphilly.

How can you entice a bear with some cheese?
Camembert.

How can you hide a horse with cheese?
Mascarpone.

Why does cheese always look sane?
Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

(These are cheese jokes again from my funny sister sent to me this morning.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 12:08 PM

Which cheese is made backwards??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Reinhard
Date: 09 Aug 22 - 12:30 PM

... edam

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 06:05 AM

The Lone Ranger and Toto were out on the plain when Tonto got off his horse and put his head to the ground. A few seconds later he got up and said 'Kemo Sabay, Buffalo come' The Lone Ranger asked him 'How do you know'? Tonto replied 'Face sticky'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 07:14 AM

oops 'Tonto'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Greum
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 11:07 AM

I saw a radio for sale the other day. It was only $1 but a note said the volume was stuck on high.

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Aug 22 - 07:02 PM

A sort of Jewish one I heard (from Rabbi Lionel Blum) many years ago...

A river breaks its banks. A man is cut off in his house and retreats to his upper floor. Nevertheless, he has faith that God will save him.

Another man drives through the floodwater in a tractor. "Jump on the back" he shouts. "I'll get you to safety". "No", replies the man. "I trust in God to save me."

The waters rise higher. The man is forced to climb onto his roof. A boat motors up. "Jump in!" shouts the man in the boat. "I'll get you to safety." "No", replies the man. "I trust in the lord to save me."

The waters rise higher still. The man is clinging to his chimney pot. A helicopter appears overhead, dangling a rope ladder. "Grab the ladder!" shouts the pilot. "I'll get you to safety." "No thanks!" says the man. "I rely on God to save me."

The helicopter flies away. The waters still rise, the man is washed away and drowns. He appears at the pearly gates, furious. Saint Peter is surprised to see him. "I wasn't expecting you" he says. "I know you trusted in God to save you, so He sent you a tractor, then He sent you a boat, then He sent a helicopter..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 22 - 03:01 PM

A passenger boarding a flight out of New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs asks the blonde flight attendant to put them in the refrigerator And keep'm frozen, honey, I'm a lawyer.

Approaching the destination airport, a voice over the intercom asks, Will the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?

Nobody did, so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Goes to show you can't trust stereotypes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 09:03 AM

Manchester United.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 09:14 AM

Yes, excellent!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 12:36 PM

There was a brief period in the 1980s, in Britain at least, when "Blonde Jokes" enjoyed a certain vogue, especially among young women with hair of a different colour. They did rely upon stereotyping. This would be representative:

"How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?"
"Shine a torch in her ear."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 05:12 AM

You can't please some women. For our anniversary I promised her a Ritz experience. She expected a weekend in a posh London hotel. I intended to break open the packet of salty snacks I'd bought at the petrol station.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 08:08 AM

My ex once told me she anted saomething with a lot of diamonds in for her birthday. She didn't seem pleased when she unpacked her pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 09:18 AM

Neither was D----- very pleased last Christmas; as usual, I was at a loss for some present, and she helped by saying, "Och, just a little something for the Bathroom".

What's wrong with a bottle of bleach?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 09:40 AM

Our grandsprog is visiting, and he's in a silly mood today. At the dinner table today, we were discussing cats' names: our first one was called Petronius the Arbiter (for reasons which need not detain us here), and our current one is called Ptolemy.

"I'd call my cat Petrolium," says grandsprog.
"That'd be fuelish," says I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 10:18 AM

My favorite blonde joke was told to me by a republican, about a week after I'd heard it as a Bush joke:

Headline reads, 3 Brazilians Killed By Terrorists.

Bush/blonde asks, how many are in a brazillion, again?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 11:40 AM

When my best mate ran off with my wife, I was totally devastated.....I really missed him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 02:38 PM

You need to learn to aim...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 10:39 AM

Scottish one-liner competition

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:05 PM

I know the Bible isn't everyone's favorite joke book but my tweaked pov makes me laugh at God's antics as written in the Bible. Nor is this a joke. For example; God drowned people, plants and animals when he made it rain for 40 days and nights - EXCEPT - for Noah&family along with his boatload of animals without plumbing.
After the great flood, God told Noah that he felt kinda bad over the whole mass killing thing and the smell so to make up for it, he created the 'rainbow' to cheer up Noah. ha ha The whole Bible is full of what a giant asshole God is, at least from my POV.

The Bible is hilarious if you don't buy into the vengeful God fearing thing. By the time God Inc. wrote the new testament many of the best jokes were lost. Thats why Jews still make good comedians. From the old testament, they know what a giant asshole God can be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:14 PM

Takes one to know one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:31 PM

He's a lumberjack
And he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day
(He's a lumberjack
And he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day)
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
And goes to the lavatry'
On Wednesdays He goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
(He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatry'
On Wednesdays He goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
I cut down trees)
I'm a gillymor
And I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's' clothing and hang around in bars
(He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's' clothing and hangs around in bars?)
He's a lumberjack
And He's OK
He sleeps all night and works all day
"I cut down trees
I wear high heels
Suspendies' and a bra
I wish I'd been a girly
Just like my dear pa-pa"
(He cuts down trees
He wears high heels?)
(He's a lumberjack
And he's ok
He sleeps all night and he works all day)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:40 PM

Rest my case and for anyone not aware he lifted that from Monty Python.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 07:55 PM

He certainly didn't improve it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 08:19 PM

I also lifted the bible story from the bible. Perhaps everything in the extreme public domain really needs attribution, footnotes and permission. If so gillymor please divulge who taught you to think and be snarky.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 09:26 PM

You inspire me, homie, and I seriously doubt that that sketch is in the P.D.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Aug 22 - 08:48 AM

I've never sought express written permission from the commissioner of major league baseball either. I have been 'asked' by the Escher family law firm to cease and desist from making 4 unique Escheresque themed string quartet instruments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Aug 22 - 08:40 PM

Escher stringed instruments brought to mind The Pikasso Guitars that Linda Manzer made for Pat Metheny

Some folks here might find you
calling their God a giant a-hole highly offensive and, re the Pythons, attributing your sources might help in a couple of ways.

Sorry for the diversions, now back to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Aug 22 - 03:30 PM

You'll be lucky, gilly...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 08:37 PM

I am personally glad ifmy remarks about the totalitarian supernatural man made nonsense in the old and new Testament offends. Christian nationalism is offensive to me.
.................................


What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Mormon? A person who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.

Christians in church are called a flock because they are shorn before they are eaten.

Christians have more proslitutes than Jews.

Trump needs a podium because if he can't be erect at least he can be upright.

Murder, rape, perjury, theft, extortion. 4 out of five is not bad for Trump. Putin gets a perfect 5

Truisms:

Thomas Jefferson wrote there should always be a wall between Religion and politics in America.
America, build that wall !

America is a land of freedom provided you can buy every single right, license, fee or property for yourself.

Religion often defends itself by saying that it is providing society with social utility, I say water, electricity and sewerage are at least true utilities.

SCROTUS* has kicked the GOP in the balls with their removal of female health rights.
*Supreme Court Republicans of the United States.

Trump on illegal immigrants;
Speaking English was good enough for Jesus, its good enough for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 08:43 PM

What did I tell you, gillymor? Not a joke in sight...

What do a banjo and a hand grenade have in common?

By the time you've heard either, it's too late...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 09:44 PM

I am surprised you did not recognize some of Christopher Hitchins greatest jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 10:12 PM

Too mennonite! Bwahaha!

Atheists and theists are like two sides of the same coin... The former use their heads, the latter rely on tales.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:30 PM

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:39 PM

Unfunny. Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jeri
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:48 PM

What sort of hate inspires folks to turn a should-be amusing thread into an excuse for snottiness. Please, PLEASE try to let this thread be about jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 09:31 PM

"How much is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 03:30 AM

Seen in our local butchers the other day: amongst the sausages, one set with a sign boldly saying "Low Fat Welsh Dragon". Perhaps next time we're in town, my suggestion will have been taken up, and there'll be another sign saying "No Georges were harmed in the preparation of these sausages".

.... Afterthought: That butchers' shop prides itself on only selling meat that's come from within thirty miles of the shop. But the dragon need only have been *shot* within said thirty miles, which means they could also add a sign saying "free range".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 06:26 AM

Sign in butchers shop:
Week old Fowl SALE; Declawed, defeathered, desanitized and delicious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 06:43 AM

I've made that plea dozens of times, Jeri. If you think that the 06.30pm post contained a joke...well I don't know. Calling that one out is positively unsnotty.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea...

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 07:45 AM

Our butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder while it was switched on. He's OK, but he just got a little behind in his work...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 08:55 AM

What did one fly say to the other?
“Is this stool taken?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve... what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs??...........Still no idea!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 02:03 PM

Says the masochist to the sadist: please torture me!
Sadist answers: No!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 07:30 PM

Heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 08:15 PM

A woman came home from her doctor's appointment with a big smile on her face.

Her husband asked, "Why are you so happy?"

She said, "The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen-year-old!"

"Oh yeah?" sez he, "And what did he say about your 45-year-old arse?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 08:39 PM

I went to see the doctor the other day. He told me that I had to stop masturbating.

I said, "Oh no! But why, Doc!"

He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 09:22 PM

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, "Well, I can’t make Tuesdays...”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 06:32 AM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 07:24 AM

A man walks into his house and sees and envelope on the kitchen table. He opens it and reads the letter inside:
“Dear Mum and Dad,
I have joined a terrorist group and we a planning to take over the country by force. My part in the plot will be to plant a bomb in Buckingham Palace and kidnap a member of the Royal Family. MI5 are on to us, so I have had to make my escape while there is still time. You may not see me for a while, although you might read about me in the newspapers.
I will miss you, as I hope you will miss me.
Your loving son,
Darren.

P.S. – None of the above is true but it shows that there are worse things in this world than a bad school report. It’s behind the clock on the mantelpiece. I will be staying at Gavin’s until you have calmed down.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 05:27 PM

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike" and issues the kid a £20 bicycle violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 07:07 PM

A pensioner had been nagging her husband to get their financial affairs in order now they were getting on a bit in years. They took a trip into town, first to the insurance brokers, where the man took out a hefty life insurance. Next to the solicitor’s where they sorted out his will, leaving everything to his wife. Then on to the bank where he arranged to give his wife access to all his accounts.

As they were about to leave the bank, they heard a mighty crash and a masked man, carrying a sawn-off shotgun, burst through the door. One brave bank employee tackled the robber and pulled his mask away. Quickly replacing it, the robber shouted “you saw my face”, raised his gun and blasted the employee square in the chest. Turning to the cowering customers, he shouted “did anyone see my face?”. The couple were nearest and he thrust his gun at the woman and shouted “did you see my face?”
“N.. n .no!” she stammered, “but my husband did”.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 22 - 08:44 AM

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Sep 22 - 12:38 PM

My doctor advised me that after lockdown, I should finish off all the things I have already started and it will make me feel better..... well......... I finished the half bottle of Glenmorangie first.... thenan almos ful bodel of Glenlivet. Jus finiched anoothher alf bodel of whiskery..... now in the midel of a alf bodel of jinn........ ermmmmm godddddda go now ta git the Laughroooaiig lef in da bodel. I veeeel zo muck bedder.... eeee wus rite!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Sep 22 - 06:06 PM

It's bloody hard to stop this thread from being derailed by one or two people, especially one, which is very unfortunate as we live in a vale of tears and could do with a good laugh, or even a groan.

So here's a rejigged one, courtesy of the great Barry Cryer. Laugh or groan at will:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Queen Elizabeth

STOP THE FUNERAL!

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 07:57 AM

Mr. Red started this thread.

If Steve wants his own joke thread he should call it 'nostalgia - jokes from childhood'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 08:32 AM

Put up a joke or move on. People open this thread in hopes of finding a bit of levity, not to experience your constant whining.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 09:54 AM

I think that silly kids' jokes can sometimes tickle better than sophisticated grown-up ones (though I love those too). Groan at will:

Why did the old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
He was going through a stage...

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

(Sorry, I have no more coats...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 10:03 AM

Comedy is mean to someone like the difference between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is when someone falls in a manhole, tragedy is when it happens to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 10:05 AM

Have some more misery!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrupt—
MOO!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

No more. I have no desire for you to have me arrested...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 11:38 AM

When I entered our house the other day the first thing the wife said to me was, 'I'm homesick.'

'But this is your home,' I cried.

'Yes,' she said, 'and I'm sick of it.'

Copyright T. Cooper circa 1970

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 05:28 PM

Tommy was the best. A couple more of his:

I’ve used saccharin for ages and my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes.

The minute I got off the plane in New York, 15,000 people started crowding around me. If you don’t believe me, ask Marlon Brando. He was standing right next to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 06:16 AM

I just saw this in the comments column of an ancient Guardian article which was reviewing premium brands of tinned tomatoes (I know how to live...). It made me laugh out loud:

"I love to rub olive oil, fresh basil, pine nuts, garlic and pecorino cheese all over strangers' bodies unsolicited. But then, I am a sex pest-o."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:04 AM

My choice of sexual activity is limited to three genres..... Flagellation, Necrophilia and bestiality!! Do you think I'm flogging a dead horse??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:16 AM

Neigh, lad...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:33 AM

What a day, what a day! What a day for shoving a cucumber next door's letterbox and shouting, 'Look out, Mrs., the Martians have landed!'

Ken Dodd, early 1970s.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:39 AM

I heard this Doddy one on the radio when I was a teenager on holiday in Criccieth in 1965:

"What a wonderful day, Mrs! What a wonderful day for jumping into a supermarket trolley stark naked and shouting 'How about this for a special offer!'"

(Blimey, what am I like...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:40 AM

Speaking of horses-

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12:30.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 09:46 AM

I just read this by Stewart Lee in the Observer:

When assembling the bill for the 1912 Royal Command Performance, to be attended by King George V, the impresario Oswald Stoll seized his chance to steer British comedy away from the radicalism and vulgarity of the music hall, sensing a much larger market for a more sanitised product. Britain’s most popular comedian of the day, Marie Lloyd, was noticeably excluded. Lloyd had sung the refrain: “She sits among the cabbages and peas” and when challenged on its meaning had offered to change the line to: “She sits among the cabbages and leeks.”

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 07:48 AM

SATAN SAW GOD RESURRECT ROY COHN AND PUT HIM ON LOAN TO TRUMP !
Garland and the JD moaned "Why has God forsaken us and has given Trump everything he wants"?
Satan said, "because God is a narcissist too, how do you think he became God"?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 07:53 AM

Yet another knee-slapper.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 08:37 AM

Merriam-Webster: "JOKE: something said or done to provoke laughter..."

E.g.:

Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!

Now pull yourself together, man!

It is my absolute feeling that any statement containing the word "Trump" cannot be a joke. Rather like if you live in a gated community and drive a Range Rover you can't sing the blues...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:00 PM

You described Snoop dog.
Your jokes are called Dad jokes.
Mine are political and are usually original.
Some can't help being bland just as others can't help making something new.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:06 PM

Yours are never jokes. Why don't you start a thread called "Donuel's idea of jokes?" I promise not to read it and I'll try to get gillymor to do the same.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 02:45 PM

'Doctor, doctor....one day I think I am a wigwam and the next a tepee'. The doc said...'Your trouble is you're too tense'!
'Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me'... 'Next patient please'!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 02:45 PM

Yes, I'll volunteer to be a non-participant in that thread.
Originality doesn't necessarily add any comic value to a joke and in many cases it's quite the opposite.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 03:58 PM

Doctor: I'm sorry to say that you have only six months to live...

Patient: Oh my God! I want a second opinion!

Doctor: OK. You're as ugly as sin...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 04:04 PM

Doctor to little old lady: You've got acute angina...

Little old lady, lifting up her jumper: Hey doc, I've got nice tits too...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:44 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:06 PM

Yours are NEVER jokes. Why don't you start a thread called "Donuel's idea of jokes?" I promise not to read it and I'll try to get gillymor to do the same.
.....
I am always reminded of the paid argument sketch when you respond to anything I post. "An argument? Oh this is abuse, arguments are down the hall". ... "An argument is not the automatic naysaying of anything I say". "Yes it is", "No, it's not". "Yes, it is"...
You deserve an Emmy as the best misanthrope in a BS thread. In reality, there have been some exceptions but too few to mention.

This just in: Gillymor is the original Florida guy.

You promise to never read the American jokes? You've made promises before. If you can't handle Carlin or Pryor you will not be able to survive Chappel or Mahre.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:53 PM

My God, your arrogance knows bounds. Your jokes are not "American jokes." They are not jokes at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:00 PM

At long last you've posted something humorous- comparing yourself to Carlin, Pryor and Chappel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:14 PM

You could simply ignore those posts that annoy you.

Scroll on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:18 PM

Ya know, Don having your own thread, a la WAV, might not be such a bad idea, you'd have a place to post your original takes(?) and you would no longer interrupt the flow of this light-hearted thread with your bizarre attempts at humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 04:15 PM

I mean, it isn't as though there aren't plenty of threads in which there's loads of opportunity to get heavy...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 12:37 PM

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.?...Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
‘‘HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. ‘'They're watch dogs’’!

Subject: RE: BS: American Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:34 PM

Feel like you did before you were sick. Ask your doctor if Prequil is right for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:54 PM

Is there a punchline for that one? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 07:34 AM

Drug TV commercials like these can only be seen in America.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 08:02 AM

You could try a joke for a change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 09:23 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog - PM
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:14 PM

You could simply ignore those posts that annoy you.

Scroll on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:02 PM

Son of a gun
I posted a pun
He's never amused
He said its no fun
he really can't shun
He would rather abuse
with his famous short fuse
leaves the rest of us confounded.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:07 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Doug. All I ask is for it to be unalloyed fun in a world that vale of tears. Which means I suppose I ought to insert a joke of some kind at this juncture:

Once there was a prince who had been cursed by a witch. The curse was that he could only say one word every year.

Well one day, while walking the royal gardens, he comes across a beautiful woman. He loves her so much, and decides he wants to marry her.

He doesn't talk for three years, so he can save up the words to say "I love you!"

Then, realising it wasn't enough, he waits another four years so he can say "Will you marry me?" but he doesn't get much of a response...

Another seven years pass. He gets on his knees, looks up at the woman and says, "I love you. will you marry me?"

The woman looks at him and responds, "Sorry, what was that?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:08 PM

Grr. That's a vale of tears.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:43 PM

I told my mate that I was going to a fancy-dress party.

He said, What are you going as?

A Mediterranean island, said I.

He said, Don't be Sicily...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 01:29 PM

Steve Shaw... you reminded me of an old joke about the monk of a silent order who could only utter two words to the Abbot each year. The first year he said 'Bed hard'... The second year he said 'floor cold'. The third year he said 'Habit itchy'. The fourth year he said ' sandals rub'. The following year he said 'I'm leaving'! . The Abbot said 'Great, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here anyway'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 02:38 PM

Yeah, that's a good 'un is that. I thought about when I dug mine up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 10:35 AM

Tim and his mother went to visit a friend and her baby. Sadly the baby was born with so ears so Tim was warned not to mention it or he would be in trouble. Tim looked in the cot and said.. ‘’ What a beautiful baby, has he got good eyesight~?. The babys’ mother said his eyesight was fine. ‘’Just as well’’ said Tim ‘’or he’d have terrible trouble trying to wear glasses’’!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 10:51 AM

Heheh. That slightly reminded me of that Ken Dodd one (which I've probably recycled a few times already):

"I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped me mother..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 12:31 PM

What does 'vale of tears' mean in English?
Noun. vale of tears (plural vales of tears), (in the singular) The world, a place where difficulties and the sorrows of life are felt, especially (Christianity) as a place to be left behind when one dies and goes to heaven.
Where did the phrase vale of tears come from?
The phrase appears in some translations of Psalm 84:6, which describes those strengthened by God's blessing: "As they pass through the valley of tears (Hebrew: ????? ????????), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools"

I think it does not mean what he thinks it means. If he does, he's pretty religious for an atheist or a nontheist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 12:58 PM

Is there a punchline?

There really is no telling this fella, is there?


A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/manondeathbedjoke.html

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 06:40 PM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Sam & Janet

Sam & Janet who?

Sam & Janet evening, you will meet a stranger...


I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 03:08 AM

Knock Knock

Claire

Who's there?

Claire Voyant

Claire who?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:00 AM

knock knock, who's there?
Sam and Ella
Sam and Ella who?
Sam and Ella from the grocery store

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:19 AM

Sammy Davis Jr and Frank Sinatra opened a club. It was so popular that even the Angels from Heaven looked in. Gabriel returned very happy until the next day when he realised something was missing.

"Whassup?" says Michael

"I left my harp in Sam and Frank's disco..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:28 AM

What do you call a man with a spade?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade?

Douglas

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:38 AM

Q. What do you call a monk who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 07:35 AM

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 01:22 PM

My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"

I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



I said to my mum, "I'm opening a theatre."

She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything..."


(Two Tim Vine specials!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 03:27 PM

The secret to great acting is sincerity, if you can fake that you've got it made-
George Burns, approximately.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 05:50 PM

I went to the record shop and I said to the bloke "Have you got anything by The Doors?"

He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 06:10 PM

Conjunctivitis.com - now there's a site for sore eyes...


I used to live hand to mouth, then at last I found a solution: cutlery...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 06:25 PM

A farmer came up to me and said "I've got 67 sheep. Can you round them up for me?"

"Sure," I said. "Seventy."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 07:12 AM

I'm an alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops. Or maybe this is just the beer talking...

On balance, I don't think that rubbing tomato ketchup into my eyes was a good idea after all, but maybe that's just Heinz-sight...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 07:14 AM

My friend hates it when I mention his dandruff. He'd rather just sweep it under the carpet...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:32 AM

An old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 to her in a friendly way and with a smile to her face.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.

The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:47 AM

I suppose that's why some of us on Mudcat are so bloody awkward... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:55 AM

What do fish and women have in common?

They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Oct 22 - 03:05 AM

A true story

The GF was buying walking boot laces and prepared by counting the eyelets. Perusing the stand (me looking on with a lacey fair attitude) she chose the the ones for 16 holes. The attendant asked was she sure, as they were 6 ft long and suggested she counted only one half. My reaction:

"counting the ayes to the right?"

The attendant thought it good in enough to repeat. (sorry US, it is a UK parliamentary reference)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 13 Oct 22 - 05:50 PM

Just watched the end of Licence to Kill On ITV 4 and happened to see on the credits "Jewellery by Sheila Goldfinger"...what's in a name?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:09 PM

Democrat democracy is majority wins.
Republican democracy is heads I win, tails you lose.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:11 PM

And the punchline to your "joke" is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:58 PM

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said, how can you tell them apart? He said, her brother’s got a moustache!

(Cheers for that, Big Yin!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 12:42 PM

Two guys were sitting on a beach that was loaded with bikini-clad females when one said to the other,

"How can I get the attention of these beautiful girls. You're doing okay, what's your secret?"

"Here, put this potato in your trunks and go out and mingle." he responded.

He did so and he came back flustered and complaining "I thought this spud was supposed to be a babe magnet, they just moved away when I came near."

"You were supposed to put in the front."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 02:40 PM

...not very appeeling.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 04:56 PM

Adds a whole new dimension to a euphemism for going for a wee that I've been using for years: "Excuse me, I'm just off to drain the spuds..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 04:09 AM

...get the sack if your boss saw you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 04:53 AM

...it's the "Chitting" of potatoes!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 07:23 AM

Same two blokes chatting later

"No, seriously," says the first, "what is your secret?"

"No secret," he replies, "just walk up to them, say hello, compliment them and just start chatting as normal."

So the first chap sees a girl he likes coming out of the ladies room in a pub later that day.

"Hello," he says, "that's a lovely dress you're wearing"

"Oh, thank you" she smiles so he continues,

"Been for a shit then..?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 08:05 AM

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 08:27 AM

Never believe atoms.

They make up everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 02:12 PM

One atom said to another "I've lost an electron".

"Are you sure?" asked the other.

"Yes, I'm positive!".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 03:29 PM

At a meeting of the U.N. General Assembly in New York, there was a break for lunch. The American ambassador & his wife are heading for the street when they see the Russian ambassador, Rudolph Velinski, leaving, carrying an umbrella.
   The American says to his wife, "We'd better get our umbrellas."

"Oh, why?", she asks.

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


(I heard this many years ago, 'almost' like the above, but versions of this online are widely varied, but all telegraph the punchline and contrive unlikely situations.) I like jokes to flow sensibly..until..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 06:11 PM

On death row, two condemned men chat through the bars.

Bill: "So, what's your fate?"
Joe: "I'm to be shot tomorrow at 9 A.M.."
Bill: "Whoa, that's terrible!"
Joe: "Oh, not so bad, really."
Bill: "Why?"
Joe: "I was originally going to be shot at 7 A.M.. I have a smart lawyer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Oct 22 - 06:09 AM

An optimist sees the glass as half full, a pessimist sees it as half empty while the engineer wonders why the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Oct 22 - 09:44 AM

Whilst the optimist and the pessimist argued over whether the glass was half full or half empty. I drank what was left in the glass... I am 'The opportunist'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 10:59 AM

If Boris gets back into power (God help us), he will soon be telling all that the greatest comeback since Lazarus used to be Jesus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 11:33 AM

When Stephen Hawking was drunk, there was no difference. I guess the voice modulator doesn't have a 'slur' setting!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 11:37 AM

I hear about a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 01:11 PM

"If Boris gets back into power (God help us), he will soon be telling all that the greatest comeback since Lazarus used to be Jesus."

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?????????

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Oct 22 - 11:25 AM

Have you ever noticed;

They turn the volume down during hearing aid commercials?

US conservatives won't accept elections they lose and
UK conservatives won't accept elections they win?

A very seductive a wife ask her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No", said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?""No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?" "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:"Good go look in the garage."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Oct 22 - 12:06 PM

A guy's wife comes home with a new dress, and he asks her:
"Where did you get enough money? We are barely getting by!"

"Well, since YOU aren't making much, while you've been working the night shift the last few months, I've been 'turning tricks' during the day! You've been too tired to pay attention to me, anyway!"

"What? How much have you made?"

"So far, $351.00!"

"51? who gave you $1?"

"They all did!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Oct 22 - 12:32 PM

Grandad always sent money to his grandchildren at Christmas, very generous he was too. One year, just after Christmas, he complained to his wife that none of his grandchildren ever said thank you, or sent a thank you card, or even rang him to thank him.

Roll on the next Christmas. He sent the money as ever, but this time there was an amazing transformation - in the days following, all the grandchildren came to visit and thank him and a good time was had by all.

"Well that was amazing!" exclaimed Grandma afterwards, "I wonder what caused the big change!"

"Oh, it was simple," he replied, "This year I didn't sign the cheques..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Oct 22 - 03:18 PM

Seen pinned up in the corridor of a Physics Department:

CRITICAL MASS: a requiem for a scientist who spilled his coffee on the floor once too often.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Oct 22 - 10:59 PM

Two hadrons are walking down the street
Baryon starts crying all of a sudden. His friend Meson turns and asks, “what’s wrong Baryon?”

Baryon sobs, ”Everybody says I’m odd.”

Meson tries his best to cheer him up. “Keep your head up buddy, we all have our quarks!”


Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.
They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."


Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass murderer


Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?
They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.


Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?
Because it's hard to dicern

When LHC discovered the Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.


Your mamma’s so fat
She uses the large hadron collider as a hula hoop??


What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?
A Large Hadron Colada.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 03:57 AM

This isn't a'joke' as such, but a true tale:
I remember a Mrs Malaprop friend who sat on our bingo table each week. In between each game we'd all have a bit of a natter.
She once blurted out, "My husband is putting up a dildo rail in our hall!" We all shrieked with laughter, and could hardly concentrate when the next game began. (She meant dado rail)
Another time, she told us that her husband had made a pond in their back garden, and she was going to get some gonorrhoeia to make it look nice. (She meant Gunnera, a plant with large leaves that grows near water)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:23 AM

One nun to another, "I see we have a case of syphilis in the convent!"

"Good!" replied the other, "I was getting bored with the Chardonnay..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:30 AM

The LibDems are a bunch of unprincipled, Tory-lite opportunists. The one good thing about the 2015 election was seeing them get their arses kicked by the voters.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:34 AM

Oh God, that was meant for the Brexit thread!!


(Mind you, the LibDems can be a bit of a joke...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 08:20 AM

Here's one from my grand nephew:

Did you hear about the Italian chef who was hospitalized in critical condition?
He pasta way.
The doctor said I cannoli do so much.
Now he's a pizza history.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Oct 22 - 10:34 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello, but his cello only had one string, and he always played the same note on it. One day his wife ventured to ask "Dear, have you ever noticed that most cellos have four strings and people move their fingers around on them and play different notes?"

"Sure. They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Nov 22 - 05:58 AM

From Youtube
Putin wanted to know if Zelensky was still alive...

Zelensky himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of a coded message.

















370HSSV-0773H















Putin was baffled, so he emailed it to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to the meaning. The FBI finally asked the Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds the they called back with this message:



“Tell that Wanker Putin he’s holding the message upside down." .

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 16 Nov 22 - 06:24 AM

Feeling generally run down, a young woman visited her GP for a check-up.After conducting this, the now grim-faced doctor informed her that she had only six months to live. "Only six months," she said, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," replied the doctor. "Find an accountant and marry him."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No," he replied, "but it will seem much longer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 22 - 08:43 PM

Two Betta fighting fish were in a gigantic tank, One asked the other if he knew how this tank worked. "Not only do I not know how to drive it, I don't know how to fire the cannon".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Neil D
Date: 20 Nov 22 - 10:44 PM

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory for taking a couple days off.

Bill: Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy.
Bob: I don't know and I don't care.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 07:36 AM

Its a matter of caring, if you don't care it doesn't matter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 08:36 AM

I'm trying (stop laughing at the back there) to decide whether "mind over matter" is a balancing act or a vulgar fraction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 01:37 PM

Just bought a new racehorse..... going to call him 'Mayo' because he neighs!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 02:04 PM

Mind/Matter = EC2

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 05:24 PM

"Is May ready?"

"May who?"

"May-O-naise."

"No, mayonnaise is dressing!"

(from my father, who had a dozen like this)

"Can I hold your palm, Olive?"
"Not on your life, boy!"

"Where you been, lima?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 04:02 PM

What kind of nut can spread Covid?
Cashews!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 05:40 PM

What kind of nut makes a man's hairy face smell of urine?

Pistachios.



What kind of nut makes your bollocks all wet?

Peenuts.


See? We can all make up stupidly unfunny "jokes", can't we? Not exactly a talent, is it, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 06:55 PM

Why do Narcissists quit something just when they get good at it?
They can never get over themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 07:21 PM

It'll be a long time before you quit making "jokes" then, won't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 07:24 PM

Two Brits die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold and damp where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Brit's room, along the way being begged by all sorts of condemned people to stop the heating. He enters the room to see the Grits having a cook out. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Brits' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout in unison, "Hell froze over! That means we won the World Cup!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 03:54 AM

Nearly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 04:17 AM

"May-O-naise."

related to May Ann Hayes by any chance?

& her frienda Pippa Ann Salt, & Carla Breeze (married to Brock Alley).

then they seize her salad.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 04:27 AM

Not quite on the food theme, but I once taught in a school that had pupils called Teresa Green and Terri Bull. Some parents, eh? Mind you, the latter was very aptly named...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 09:11 AM

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walked into a bar.


"Bloody 'ell," muttered the barman, "This is no joke..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:27 PM

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one....
The other ducked.

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Piece Of Asphalt Under His Arm And Says.."A beer please, and one for the road."

Two Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into A Bar. One says, "You can't tell me that was just a coincidence, man!"

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:31 PM

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "Watch me."
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break."
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:36 PM

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.

Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:37 PM

Yes.. I do find almost anything thru Google.. ;>)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 04:31 PM

Me too, but at least I try to be discriminating!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 07:56 PM

They say narcissists are incapable of self-reflection.
But vampires are worse.

What’s a narcissist's favorite keyboard shortcut?
Ctrl U.

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb and the rest of the world to revolve around them.

I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.

I’m a paranoid narcissist.
I’m afraid no one’s out to get me!

My therapist says I’m narcissistic.
How can someone who’s perfect be narcissist?

How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store?
He’ll be doing the self checkout.

What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.

What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

Narcissists are like Russian dolls.
Full of themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 08:07 PM

Not a single bloody laugh there. That's 45 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

Why don't you start a cynicism thread?

Oh, hang on... You already suffer badly from thread-starting diarrhoea... Don't bother...

Subject: RE: BS: USA #1
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 09:39 AM

Celebrate at the festival, school, concert, bars, shopping, church and run from the exciting mass shooting.
Brought to you by your favorite gun manufacturer

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 10:34 AM

This is a joke thread. Hang on, me saying that has just brought on a déjà vu...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 11:09 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dontuwell

Dontuwell who?

Dontuwell know by now that I have know idea what a joke is.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 12:49 PM

How do you spot a narcissist?

He's the one who thinks his jokes are funnier than yours.
He's the one who can't understand more than one branch of humour, his.
He's the one who hasn't spotted himself when you hold up an allegorical mirror.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 01:11 PM

Well I once looked at my mush in an allegorical mirror. I thought to myself, is this some kind of bloody joke?

Or am I speaking metaphysically?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:29 AM

Meanwhile, back at the jokes, here's a ha-ha-only-serious from my old trade:

What's yellow and dangerous?

A canary with the root password.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:47 AM

The one joke that never gets me a laugh and always induces irritation, but which I consider to be bloody hilarious, is:

What have Jimmy Edwards and Lulu got in common?

They both have moustaches except Lulu.

(I think it was a Crackerjack joke).

There. Told you it was hilarious!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:52 AM

How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A what?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 07:29 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:24 AM

There are categories of jokes. One common on is the 'war between the sexes'....


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:44 AM

One of the most common is sex itself:

An old farmer managed to secure himself a young wife. Everyone gossiped about it, but he seemed happy.
Then one day the local doctor met Jake on the street.
"Hey doc," the farmer said, " I've been meaning to ask you about a kinda awkward problem."

"Well, I'll try. What's going on?"

"You see, doc, I ain't as young as I used to be, and I love my wife, but certain things are not as easy as they were when I was young. Sometimes I get that 'urge' when I'm out plowing, but by the time I get back up to the house, my energy and the 'urge' are gone."

"Hmmm..", says the doctor, "You know, she is young and spry. Why don't you pack a blanket and a pillow on the tractor and take your shotgun along. Then, when the urge hits, fire off a shot and have her come down to the field to you!"

"Gosh, doc, that's a great idea! Thanks."

So, about a month later, the doctor meets Jake again and asks him, "Hey Jake... that idea I gave you awhile back...umm.. how'd that work out?"

The farmer sighs sadly and shakes his head..."Well, doc, it worked just fine for a couple of weeks... then huntin' season opened, and I ain't see her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:52 AM

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing.

"As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process.

"Wait a second", the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is...it's extruding the condom.. but what's with the pop noise every once in awhile?"

"Oh, that.. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process." said the guide "It pokes a hole in every third condom."

"But that cant be good for the condoms business!" the observant shift manager replied.

"Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 07:55 AM

My ex once asked me for an example of innuendo... so I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 08:25 AM

Repetition is worthy of the farmer joke. So is sex.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 11:33 AM

I tried to come up with some good double-meaning musical jokes, but all I managed was a couple of dim innuendos...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Dec 22 - 08:56 AM

There was once a monk, of a silent order, who could only utter two words to the Abbot each year. The first year he said 'Bed hard'... The second year he said 'floor cold'. The third year he said 'Habit itchy'. The fourth year he said ' sandals rub'. The following year he said 'I'm leaving'! . The Abbot said 'Great, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 22 - 08:18 PM

A commander walks into a bar...

...and orders everyone around.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 22 - 12:19 PM

I prefer to die like my Grandfather, in his sleep unlike the terrified people in the car he was driving.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Dec 22 - 11:37 AM

OK, here's an approximately seasonal one:

A chess championship was due to be held in Las Vegas. On the evening before the event, various participants arrived in the hotel, and started reminiscing about matches they'd been part of in previous years. The whole lot were thrown out of the hotel by the manager, who said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 12:09 PM

I've just made a chicken tarka

It's like a tikka but otter

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 07:40 PM

Hikers discovered a kidnapping in Rock Creek Park so they woke him up.

Police arrested a kindergartner for refusing to sleep. The report said he was resisting arrest.

The guest of honor at a wake never is.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 08:16 PM

Yeah, well it's great to end 2022 with some non-jokes. Not.

Maybe I'll start the 2023 joke thread with a very strict rule, viz: "This is a joke thread."


I've made a New Year's resolution. I'm going to do a lot more reading.

I'm going to turn on the telly subtitles...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 11:38 AM

Unlike Donuel's anti-jokes Steve is the real joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 11:56 AM

Steve should make resolutions that are more easily achievable and are within his grasp
like eating pasta everyday.
Next year, weight loss, maybe.

By the way Poor folks in the UK have a standard of living 20% lower than Slovenia. The Brexit financial hit has brought the UK below many European countries' GNP. - NO JOKE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:20 PM

Donuel... as a well studied and informed Brit...I would be pleased if you could show me where you found this information. This is new to me. Before joining the EU, we Brits were the fifth richest country in the world. We dropped that position to become the 6th. Since leaving we are back to being the fifth richest again..... so I can't see how your assertion holds water.... Please give us a link to prove your statement.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:21 PM

PS..... was it supposed to be a joke????

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:29 PM

If you end a paragraph with "NO JOKE" that paragraph probably doesn't belong in a joke thread, wether it's true or not. Your last trio of jokes gave me a chuckle, Don, maybe you should continue down that path in this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 04:02 PM

This thread is dead, long live 2023.

Georgian silver sources Guardian and NPR.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 06:19 PM

"Doctor doctor! Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy!"

"Ah, I see. Now how long have you been getting these disney spells?"



Doctor to little old lady, "You've got acute angina."

Little old lady, lifting up her jumper, "I've got nice tits too!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:20 AM

Donuel suggesting a source is totally inadequate! Please provide specific links to articles you are referring to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:34 AM

Maybe you guys can shift your discussion over to the UK politics thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:49 AM

Kid-  “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
-
Dad- “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
-
Kid- “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”