BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:14 PM

You could simply ignore those posts that annoy you.

Scroll on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:18 PM

Ya know, Don having your own thread, a la WAV, might not be such a bad idea, you'd have a place to post your original takes(?) and you would no longer interrupt the flow of this light-hearted thread with your bizarre attempts at humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 04:15 PM

I mean, it isn't as though there aren't plenty of threads in which there's loads of opportunity to get heavy...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 12:37 PM

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.?...Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
‘‘HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. ‘'They're watch dogs’’!

Subject: RE: BS: American Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:34 PM

Feel like you did before you were sick. Ask your doctor if Prequil is right for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:54 PM

Is there a punchline for that one? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 07:34 AM

Drug TV commercials like these can only be seen in America.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 08:02 AM

You could try a joke for a change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 09:23 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Rain Dog - PM
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:14 PM

You could simply ignore those posts that annoy you.

Scroll on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:02 PM

Son of a gun
I posted a pun
He's never amused
He said its no fun
he really can't shun
He would rather abuse
with his famous short fuse
leaves the rest of us confounded.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:07 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Doug. All I ask is for it to be unalloyed fun in a world that vale of tears. Which means I suppose I ought to insert a joke of some kind at this juncture:

Once there was a prince who had been cursed by a witch. The curse was that he could only say one word every year.

Well one day, while walking the royal gardens, he comes across a beautiful woman. He loves her so much, and decides he wants to marry her.

He doesn't talk for three years, so he can save up the words to say "I love you!"

Then, realising it wasn't enough, he waits another four years so he can say "Will you marry me?" but he doesn't get much of a response...

Another seven years pass. He gets on his knees, looks up at the woman and says, "I love you. will you marry me?"

The woman looks at him and responds, "Sorry, what was that?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:08 PM

Grr. That's a vale of tears.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 12:43 PM

I told my mate that I was going to a fancy-dress party.

He said, What are you going as?

A Mediterranean island, said I.

He said, Don't be Sicily...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 01:29 PM

Steve Shaw... you reminded me of an old joke about the monk of a silent order who could only utter two words to the Abbot each year. The first year he said 'Bed hard'... The second year he said 'floor cold'. The third year he said 'Habit itchy'. The fourth year he said ' sandals rub'. The following year he said 'I'm leaving'! . The Abbot said 'Great, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here anyway'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Sep 22 - 02:38 PM

Yeah, that's a good 'un is that. I thought about when I dug mine up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 10:35 AM

Tim and his mother went to visit a friend and her baby. Sadly the baby was born with so ears so Tim was warned not to mention it or he would be in trouble. Tim looked in the cot and said.. ‘’ What a beautiful baby, has he got good eyesight~?. The babys’ mother said his eyesight was fine. ‘’Just as well’’ said Tim ‘’or he’d have terrible trouble trying to wear glasses’’!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 10:51 AM

Heheh. That slightly reminded me of that Ken Dodd one (which I've probably recycled a few times already):

"I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped me mother..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 12:31 PM

What does 'vale of tears' mean in English?
Noun. vale of tears (plural vales of tears), (in the singular) The world, a place where difficulties and the sorrows of life are felt, especially (Christianity) as a place to be left behind when one dies and goes to heaven.
Where did the phrase vale of tears come from?
The phrase appears in some translations of Psalm 84:6, which describes those strengthened by God's blessing: "As they pass through the valley of tears (Hebrew: ????? ????????), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools"

I think it does not mean what he thinks it means. If he does, he's pretty religious for an atheist or a nontheist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 12:58 PM

Is there a punchline?

There really is no telling this fella, is there?


A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/manondeathbedjoke.html

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 22 - 06:40 PM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Sam & Janet

Sam & Janet who?

Sam & Janet evening, you will meet a stranger...


I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 03:08 AM

Knock Knock

Claire

Who's there?

Claire Voyant

Claire who?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:00 AM

knock knock, who's there?
Sam and Ella
Sam and Ella who?
Sam and Ella from the grocery store

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:19 AM

Sammy Davis Jr and Frank Sinatra opened a club. It was so popular that even the Angels from Heaven looked in. Gabriel returned very happy until the next day when he realised something was missing.

"Whassup?" says Michael

"I left my harp in Sam and Frank's disco..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:28 AM

What do you call a man with a spade?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade?

Douglas

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 06:38 AM

Q. What do you call a monk who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Sep 22 - 07:35 AM

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 01:22 PM

My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"

I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



I said to my mum, "I'm opening a theatre."

She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything..."


(Two Tim Vine specials!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 03:27 PM

The secret to great acting is sincerity, if you can fake that you've got it made-
George Burns, approximately.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 05:50 PM

I went to the record shop and I said to the bloke "Have you got anything by The Doors?"

He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 06:10 PM

Conjunctivitis.com - now there's a site for sore eyes...


I used to live hand to mouth, then at last I found a solution: cutlery...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 22 - 06:25 PM

A farmer came up to me and said "I've got 67 sheep. Can you round them up for me?"

"Sure," I said. "Seventy."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 07:12 AM

I'm an alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops. Or maybe this is just the beer talking...

On balance, I don't think that rubbing tomato ketchup into my eyes was a good idea after all, but maybe that's just Heinz-sight...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 07:14 AM

My friend hates it when I mention his dandruff. He'd rather just sweep it under the carpet...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:32 AM

An old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 to her in a friendly way and with a smile to her face.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.

The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:47 AM

I suppose that's why some of us on Mudcat are so bloody awkward... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Oct 22 - 08:55 AM

What do fish and women have in common?

They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Oct 22 - 03:05 AM

A true story

The GF was buying walking boot laces and prepared by counting the eyelets. Perusing the stand (me looking on with a lacey fair attitude) she chose the the ones for 16 holes. The attendant asked was she sure, as they were 6 ft long and suggested she counted only one half. My reaction:

"counting the ayes to the right?"

The attendant thought it good in enough to repeat. (sorry US, it is a UK parliamentary reference)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 13 Oct 22 - 05:50 PM

Just watched the end of Licence to Kill On ITV 4 and happened to see on the credits "Jewellery by Sheila Goldfinger"...what's in a name?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:09 PM

Democrat democracy is majority wins.
Republican democracy is heads I win, tails you lose.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:11 PM

And the punchline to your "joke" is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 22 - 07:58 PM

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said, how can you tell them apart? He said, her brother’s got a moustache!

(Cheers for that, Big Yin!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 12:42 PM

Two guys were sitting on a beach that was loaded with bikini-clad females when one said to the other,

"How can I get the attention of these beautiful girls. You're doing okay, what's your secret?"

"Here, put this potato in your trunks and go out and mingle." he responded.

He did so and he came back flustered and complaining "I thought this spud was supposed to be a babe magnet, they just moved away when I came near."

"You were supposed to put in the front."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 02:40 PM

...not very appeeling.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 22 - 04:56 PM

Adds a whole new dimension to a euphemism for going for a wee that I've been using for years: "Excuse me, I'm just off to drain the spuds..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 04:09 AM

...get the sack if your boss saw you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 04:53 AM

...it's the "Chitting" of potatoes!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 07:23 AM

Same two blokes chatting later

"No, seriously," says the first, "what is your secret?"

"No secret," he replies, "just walk up to them, say hello, compliment them and just start chatting as normal."

So the first chap sees a girl he likes coming out of the ladies room in a pub later that day.

"Hello," he says, "that's a lovely dress you're wearing"

"Oh, thank you" she smiles so he continues,

"Been for a shit then..?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 08:05 AM

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 08:27 AM

Never believe atoms.

They make up everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 02:12 PM

One atom said to another "I've lost an electron".

"Are you sure?" asked the other.

"Yes, I'm positive!".

DC