BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 10:31 PM

Mine *was* a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 04:15 AM

Oh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 06:25 AM

One of Barry Cryer's favourite jokes, in honour of that great funnyman:

"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.

"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:32 AM

I guess "Don't waste time in the back, Mali, The big ref said to play on!" is a pun but I can't figure it out yet!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

Big Muddy.

Anyway, why don't grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 01:15 PM

You wouldn't get Barry Cryer telling that one. :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:18 PM

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”


The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 09:19 PM

A horse went into a bar during happy hour and ordered a pint. The horse paid the really cheap happy hour price and started to drink his pint.

Eventually the barman said to the horse, "Hey, mate, you've just enjoyed a nice cheap pint in my nice warm pub, so why the long face?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 06:02 AM

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken tested positive.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:37 AM

I swear he's dense , look at the way the light bends around him!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:54 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic) - excuses, excuses. Wouldn't wash today!

If I said I was discalculic - would that count?

But I can count up to 2...............
I'll get my coat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:43 AM

A weasel walked into a bar. 'What are you drinking;;? asked the barman. 'Pop' goes the weasel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three
to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've
got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing
all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.   His jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Feb 22 - 06:50 AM

Edge and Bono walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, “Not U2 again!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:20 PM

Right Honourable Lord Justice Shawp listened intently to a 10 year old who claimed his mother beat him, his father beat him and even his only other relative great aunt Liz beat him. Against protocol the judge asked the young man who he preferred to be his Guardian.
He said Manchester United, they don't beat anybody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:32 PM

So as protect you from Raggytash, I should inform you that Manchester United are currently fifth in the English Premier League, arguably the top domestic league in the world. They topped their group in the group stage of this year's Champions League, arguably the greatest club competition in the word, and are playing in the last 16 this week. Do keep up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:41 PM

Joke thread, Steve.

At the Super Bowl a man notices an empty seat. Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:56 PM

That's a good 'un! Reminds me of the Billy Connolly one about the bloke who buried his wife in the front garden, leaving her bum sticking out. His mate asked him why he'd buried her with her bum sticking out. "Well I've got to have somewhere to park my bike!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 03:45 AM

Manchester United, they don't beat anybody. aka Manchester Untidy

A bit like Aston Vanilla - easily licked. (by Birmingham Titty &/or West Bromwich Ambulances)

I could have added Preston Both Ends, Rent A Sunderland & Acrid Tone Stanley, with apologies to US readers for being too parochial

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 04:14 AM

Or, as Billy Connolly said about his boyhood local club, he always thought its name was "Partick Nil."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 05:59 AM

Too parochial? Then go political instead! Manchester Citeh? Chelski?


I haven't worked one out for Paris St Germain as yet...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:27 AM

An Asylum seeker arrived at Dover to be met by a Government fairy who offered him three wishes. The asylum seekers first wish is for food and a good meal appears before him. His second wish was for good and large accommodation and a lovely large four bedroomed house with a swimming pool was readily available. For his third wish he asks to be a British citizen and everything vanishes…… ‘’Where has it all gone’’?, he asks the fairy. She replied ‘’You are a British citizen now so you’re entitled to nothing’’!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:44 AM

The White Nationalist 'Mein Koch' Cookbook has added new recipes to their white bread and mayonaise classic; KKKabbage slaw, Gazpacho Police Soup, Schindler's Bisque, Marjorie Greene's tossed salad,
Lynched Chicken Filet, Broth Keepers Chili and Proud Big Boy's Burger.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 09:55 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

A bloke in the pub was bragging about his successful marriage. His mate asked him what his secret was.

He said, "Well, for our 25th anniversary I took her on a surprise luxury trip to the South Sea islands..."

"Wow, that's great! So what will you be doing for your 50th?"

"Well, I'm going back there to pick her up..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 10:57 AM

A man sits, at a few minutes past midnight, weeping quietly in his kitchen. His wife comes doown and asks, what is up? He answers, it's our 20th anniversary... She starts to tear up. He says, remember how we met? You were 15, I was 18, at that dance? Her tears spill, but she's smiling. Remember how later, your dad caught us in the back of my car? And threatened me with a 20-year sentence for statutory rape?

I'd have gotten out today...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve hopes Manchester City beats Rottingham Hoturds this Saturday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:00 PM

All I want is see beautiful, flowing football played by two skilled teams, men or women. The only way I can think of putting a joke into this post is by inserting the two words "American football..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:24 PM

I think the NFL is judged/refereed more subjectivly than figure skating. It aint Baseball.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:36 PM

Joke thread?

Why don't helicopters fly in the mornings?

Twirly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Feb 22 - 03:04 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

From a man who know everything!

(Hint) funny relates to your "sphere of exposure" (aka knowledge). Following the minutia of US politics would explain, but it might shock. Truly shock. You wouldn't believe!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 06:34 AM

The Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 03:24 PM

A group of 40 yr old men met and were discussing where they should have lunch. They agreed to meet at The Black Horse because the barmaids had big breasts and wore mini skirts. They met again aged 50 and decided on the Black horse again as the waitresses were attractive , the food was good and they had great beer. Aged 60 they met again and decided on the Black Horse again because it had good parking, the music was not too loud and it was good value for money. Aged 70 they met again and decided on the Black Horse because there was good wheelchair access and they had a toilet for the disabled. Aged 80, they met again and decided on the Black Horse for lunch as they had never tried there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 04:46 AM

Knock knock
Who's there?
Grand Dad
.
.
.
.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!!



Barry Cryer

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

I told Bill Withers that ‘’Aint no Sunshine’’ was not good grammar…… He replied ‘’I know, ,I know, I know, I know, I know.’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 06:44 PM

That grandad one has had me quietly belly-laughing all day!

Here's another Barry joke:

An 82-year-old man goes to his doctor. “I want a complete physical examination. I’m about to get married,” says the old man.

“How old are you?” the doctor asks.

“I’m 82 and she’s 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything’s working properly,” says the old man.

The doctor says, “24! Well, I’ll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.”

“Yes, yes, what a good idea,” says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. “Did you get married?” asks the doctor. “How’s your young bride?”

“She’s pregnant,” says the old man proudly.

“And, erm, how’s the lodger?” says the doctor nervously.

“She’s pregnant too,” says the old man...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:57 AM

Overheard in a bar in Rome circa AD 45

Galdiator 1  A Martinus, bar tender.
Bar Tender  Did you mean Martini ?
Galdiator 1  If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for one


Gladiator 2  calls for 5 beers and holds up two fingers separated

OK, № 2 is a visual joke, two fingers one hand. From Victoria Coren-Mitchel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 07:29 PM

I had a friend, his girlfriend was a midget.

He was nuts over her.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 09:05 PM

Your first one is a cracker, your second one is in serious need of a rethink.

Picasso was burgled, and he did a drawing of the robbers. The police arrested a horse and two sardines.   (Kudos, Barry Cryer!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:29 AM

A Desperate Ukrainian posted 'Mercedes for Sale @ $10'
No one responded, until an old man needed anything to evacate.
A Lady sold him a Maybach Mercedes with 12,000 Kms, for $10.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, tell me why was this car so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased Russain husband, it's written that the money from the sale of his Mercedes would go to Russain veterans.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:39 AM

Jesus wept.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:27 AM

Mods please change the title of this thread to The Critic Corner :^~

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:41 AM

I used to think I was really good in bed, then I discovered that all my girlfriends had asthma.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:45 AM

That was one from the great Ken Dodd. Here's another:

"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:46 AM

How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:51 AM

And another Doddy one:

"We went to see a topless lady ventriloquist last night. Nobody saw her lips move..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:53 AM

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Dunno. It's never been tried...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:00 AM

If it wasn't for scatological, religion and alcoholic jokes, Seve' would have no holy shit drunk jokes at all and would only make fun of gender and race.

Prince Andrew was a mite in shining armour.
Now e's just a dick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:09 AM

What do Newquay plastics and Cornish pasties have in common?
They're both made in Cornwall.