BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 08:32 AM

Put up a joke or move on. People open this thread in hopes of finding a bit of levity, not to experience your constant whining.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 07:57 AM

Mr. Red started this thread.

If Steve wants his own joke thread he should call it 'nostalgia - jokes from childhood'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Sep 22 - 06:06 PM

It's bloody hard to stop this thread from being derailed by one or two people, especially one, which is very unfortunate as we live in a vale of tears and could do with a good laugh, or even a groan.

So here's a rejigged one, courtesy of the great Barry Cryer. Laugh or groan at will:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Queen Elizabeth

STOP THE FUNERAL!

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Sep 22 - 12:38 PM

My doctor advised me that after lockdown, I should finish off all the things I have already started and it will make me feel better..... well......... I finished the half bottle of Glenmorangie first.... thenan almos ful bodel of Glenlivet. Jus finiched anoothher alf bodel of whiskery..... now in the midel of a alf bodel of jinn........ ermmmmm godddddda go now ta git the Laughroooaiig lef in da bodel. I veeeel zo muck bedder.... eeee wus rite!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 22 - 08:44 AM

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 07:07 PM

A pensioner had been nagging her husband to get their financial affairs in order now they were getting on a bit in years. They took a trip into town, first to the insurance brokers, where the man took out a hefty life insurance. Next to the solicitor’s where they sorted out his will, leaving everything to his wife. Then on to the bank where he arranged to give his wife access to all his accounts.

As they were about to leave the bank, they heard a mighty crash and a masked man, carrying a sawn-off shotgun, burst through the door. One brave bank employee tackled the robber and pulled his mask away. Quickly replacing it, the robber shouted “you saw my face”, raised his gun and blasted the employee square in the chest. Turning to the cowering customers, he shouted “did anyone see my face?”. The couple were nearest and he thrust his gun at the woman and shouted “did you see my face?”
“N.. n .no!” she stammered, “but my husband did”.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 05:27 PM

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike" and issues the kid a £20 bicycle violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 07:24 AM

A man walks into his house and sees and envelope on the kitchen table. He opens it and reads the letter inside:
“Dear Mum and Dad,
I have joined a terrorist group and we a planning to take over the country by force. My part in the plot will be to plant a bomb in Buckingham Palace and kidnap a member of the Royal Family. MI5 are on to us, so I have had to make my escape while there is still time. You may not see me for a while, although you might read about me in the newspapers.
I will miss you, as I hope you will miss me.
Your loving son,
Darren.

P.S. – None of the above is true but it shows that there are worse things in this world than a bad school report. It’s behind the clock on the mantelpiece. I will be staying at Gavin’s until you have calmed down.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 06:32 AM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 09:22 PM

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, "Well, I can’t make Tuesdays...”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 08:39 PM

I went to see the doctor the other day. He told me that I had to stop masturbating.

I said, "Oh no! But why, Doc!"

He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 08:15 PM

A woman came home from her doctor's appointment with a big smile on her face.

Her husband asked, "Why are you so happy?"

She said, "The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen-year-old!"

"Oh yeah?" sez he, "And what did he say about your 45-year-old arse?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 07:30 PM

Heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 02:03 PM

Says the masochist to the sadist: please torture me!
Sadist answers: No!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve... what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs??...........Still no idea!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 08:55 AM

What did one fly say to the other?
“Is this stool taken?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 07:45 AM

Our butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder while it was switched on. He's OK, but he just got a little behind in his work...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 06:43 AM

I've made that plea dozens of times, Jeri. If you think that the 06.30pm post contained a joke...well I don't know. Calling that one out is positively unsnotty.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea...

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 06:26 AM

Sign in butchers shop:
Week old Fowl SALE; Declawed, defeathered, desanitized and delicious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 03:30 AM

Seen in our local butchers the other day: amongst the sausages, one set with a sign boldly saying "Low Fat Welsh Dragon". Perhaps next time we're in town, my suggestion will have been taken up, and there'll be another sign saying "No Georges were harmed in the preparation of these sausages".

.... Afterthought: That butchers' shop prides itself on only selling meat that's come from within thirty miles of the shop. But the dragon need only have been *shot* within said thirty miles, which means they could also add a sign saying "free range".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 09:31 PM

"How much is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jeri
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:48 PM

What sort of hate inspires folks to turn a should-be amusing thread into an excuse for snottiness. Please, PLEASE try to let this thread be about jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:39 PM

Unfunny. Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:30 PM

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 10:12 PM

Too mennonite! Bwahaha!

Atheists and theists are like two sides of the same coin... The former use their heads, the latter rely on tales.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 09:44 PM

I am surprised you did not recognize some of Christopher Hitchins greatest jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 08:43 PM

What did I tell you, gillymor? Not a joke in sight...

What do a banjo and a hand grenade have in common?

By the time you've heard either, it's too late...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 08:37 PM

I am personally glad ifmy remarks about the totalitarian supernatural man made nonsense in the old and new Testament offends. Christian nationalism is offensive to me.
.................................


What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Mormon? A person who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.

Christians in church are called a flock because they are shorn before they are eaten.

Christians have more proslitutes than Jews.

Trump needs a podium because if he can't be erect at least he can be upright.

Murder, rape, perjury, theft, extortion. 4 out of five is not bad for Trump. Putin gets a perfect 5

Truisms:

Thomas Jefferson wrote there should always be a wall between Religion and politics in America.
America, build that wall !

America is a land of freedom provided you can buy every single right, license, fee or property for yourself.

Religion often defends itself by saying that it is providing society with social utility, I say water, electricity and sewerage are at least true utilities.

SCROTUS* has kicked the GOP in the balls with their removal of female health rights.
*Supreme Court Republicans of the United States.

Trump on illegal immigrants;
Speaking English was good enough for Jesus, its good enough for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Aug 22 - 03:30 PM

You'll be lucky, gilly...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Aug 22 - 08:40 PM

Escher stringed instruments brought to mind The Pikasso Guitars that Linda Manzer made for Pat Metheny

Some folks here might find you
calling their God a giant a-hole highly offensive and, re the Pythons, attributing your sources might help in a couple of ways.

Sorry for the diversions, now back to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Aug 22 - 08:48 AM

I've never sought express written permission from the commissioner of major league baseball either. I have been 'asked' by the Escher family law firm to cease and desist from making 4 unique Escheresque themed string quartet instruments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 09:26 PM

You inspire me, homie, and I seriously doubt that that sketch is in the P.D.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 08:19 PM

I also lifted the bible story from the bible. Perhaps everything in the extreme public domain really needs attribution, footnotes and permission. If so gillymor please divulge who taught you to think and be snarky.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 07:55 PM

He certainly didn't improve it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:40 PM

Rest my case and for anyone not aware he lifted that from Monty Python.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:31 PM

He's a lumberjack
And he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day
(He's a lumberjack
And he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day)
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
And goes to the lavatry'
On Wednesdays He goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
(He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatry'
On Wednesdays He goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
I cut down trees)
I'm a gillymor
And I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's' clothing and hang around in bars
(He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's' clothing and hangs around in bars?)
He's a lumberjack
And He's OK
He sleeps all night and works all day
"I cut down trees
I wear high heels
Suspendies' and a bra
I wish I'd been a girly
Just like my dear pa-pa"
(He cuts down trees
He wears high heels?)
(He's a lumberjack
And he's ok
He sleeps all night and he works all day)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:14 PM

Takes one to know one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 05:05 PM

I know the Bible isn't everyone's favorite joke book but my tweaked pov makes me laugh at God's antics as written in the Bible. Nor is this a joke. For example; God drowned people, plants and animals when he made it rain for 40 days and nights - EXCEPT - for Noah&family along with his boatload of animals without plumbing.
After the great flood, God told Noah that he felt kinda bad over the whole mass killing thing and the smell so to make up for it, he created the 'rainbow' to cheer up Noah. ha ha The whole Bible is full of what a giant asshole God is, at least from my POV.

The Bible is hilarious if you don't buy into the vengeful God fearing thing. By the time God Inc. wrote the new testament many of the best jokes were lost. Thats why Jews still make good comedians. From the old testament, they know what a giant asshole God can be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Aug 22 - 10:39 AM

Scottish one-liner competition

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 02:38 PM

You need to learn to aim...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 11:40 AM

When my best mate ran off with my wife, I was totally devastated.....I really missed him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 10:18 AM

My favorite blonde joke was told to me by a republican, about a week after I'd heard it as a Bush joke:

Headline reads, 3 Brazilians Killed By Terrorists.

Bush/blonde asks, how many are in a brazillion, again?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 09:40 AM

Our grandsprog is visiting, and he's in a silly mood today. At the dinner table today, we were discussing cats' names: our first one was called Petronius the Arbiter (for reasons which need not detain us here), and our current one is called Ptolemy.

"I'd call my cat Petrolium," says grandsprog.
"That'd be fuelish," says I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 09:18 AM

Neither was D----- very pleased last Christmas; as usual, I was at a loss for some present, and she helped by saying, "Och, just a little something for the Bathroom".

What's wrong with a bottle of bleach?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 08:08 AM

My ex once told me she anted saomething with a lot of diamonds in for her birthday. She didn't seem pleased when she unpacked her pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Aug 22 - 05:12 AM

You can't please some women. For our anniversary I promised her a Ritz experience. She expected a weekend in a posh London hotel. I intended to break open the packet of salty snacks I'd bought at the petrol station.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 12:36 PM

There was a brief period in the 1980s, in Britain at least, when "Blonde Jokes" enjoyed a certain vogue, especially among young women with hair of a different colour. They did rely upon stereotyping. This would be representative:

"How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?"
"Shine a torch in her ear."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 09:14 AM

Yes, excellent!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 14 Aug 22 - 09:03 AM

Manchester United.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 22 - 03:01 PM

A passenger boarding a flight out of New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs asks the blonde flight attendant to put them in the refrigerator And keep'm frozen, honey, I'm a lawyer.

Approaching the destination airport, a voice over the intercom asks, Will the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?

Nobody did, so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Goes to show you can't trust stereotypes.