BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 12:21 PM

A keen gardener had, over the years, built up his hobby into a successful business and was now doing very well for himself; enough, in fact, to provide his daughter with a private education at one of the country’s leading public schools. In spite of this, he had never lost his country ways. When asked for the secret of his success, he would reply loudly “Manure, manure and more manure!”. This caused his prim and proper daughter acute embarrassment.

Knowing that he was likely to be interviewed on television at the upcoming RHS Chelsea Flower Show, she said to her mother, “Oh Mummy, can’t you get him to call it fertilizer?”

“You leave him be, my dear” replied her mother. “It took me nigh on 15 years to get him to call it manure!”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:45 PM

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spiky object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend “Hey Paulo, it’s a mine, it’s a mine!” Paulo replies,” OK, Luigi, you can-a have it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 08:24 PM

They may be old and a bit jaded, Raggytash, but they're not as old as some of Jim's were! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:29 PM

Just an after thought, do your fellow Americans find them funny.

A genunine question, I am curious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 22 - 07:26 PM

Donuel, your "jokes" do not translate to this side of the pond, if indeed they are jokes.

This has often been a problem for American comedians trying the ply their craft in the UK.

Your link earlier, if it had happened in the UK, would be seen to be in very poor taste (at the least) and would not be found to be "funny" in any way, shape or form.

Steve's jokes are often, to many of us here on this side of the water, old and perhaps jaded but they have the distinct advantage of being funny and sometimes they are downright bloody hilarious.

Perchance you could learn some humour (correct spelling) from him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 06:04 PM

I wonder exactly how many French people actually do eat snails...or frogs' legs... (not to detract from your excellent joke - at least some of us round here actually know what a joke is...)!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 May 22 - 05:30 PM

Why do the French eat snails?


......


......


......


They don't like fast food.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:49 PM

You're nothing. You're just an idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 04:32 PM

Whatever you say, but I am kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 03:50 PM

The only thing you are is a confounded bloody idiot. Do keep on showing yourself up. It could become quite enjoyable, though I'm sure the narrative will disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:26 PM

There are more Steve Shaws than you can shake a shtick at.
My comic gods know how to find the line and cross it.
You are a Milton Burle joke theif and I am a George.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 12:03 PM

The intention was transparently obvious. Disingenuousness doesn't suit you. The allusion to rape in a piece with my name in it is utterly disgraceful. Anyway, here's a hearty Irish joke (from the Irish Post, so don't blame me!)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after Mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"He did, Father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:40 AM

Only if you are that Steve Shaw, no?

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.“
-A Shaw, but not Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 22 - 10:23 AM

That is seriously offensive. You have no judgement, have you? Idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 10:28 PM

https://www.davideriknelson.com/sbsb/index.php/2017/10/this-is-a-kinda-rapey-application-of-steve-shaws-psychokinetic-touches/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:21 PM

Maybe he'll tell us a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 07:18 PM

Today on MSNBC
Coming up: President Biden on Baby Formula.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 22 - 11:04 AM

Times have changed. People used to make bathtub gin during prohibition
Now they make internet bathtub baby formula.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 07:41 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the barman even returns with the bill, the man has necked ten of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the fellow finishes his final shot, the barman asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The chap replies, "You'd be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The barman asks, "Why, what do you have?"

The bloke says, "25p..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 22 - 06:24 PM

A bloke walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks "What's this about?"

The barman replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to try it?"

The chap replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:45 PM

If Michael Bolton is making a comeback. why not Bob Dylan?
Because Michael Bolton is making a comeback.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 22 - 04:23 PM

An ass hole authoritarian walked into a bar and everyone else left.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 May 22 - 12:35 PM

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a whisky and soda. 'Why the long face'? asked the barman.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 07:06 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …...........soda."

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 May 22 - 06:56 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 11 May 22 - 05:28 PM

If Freud were alive today he might say "sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 05 May 22 - 06:23 AM

Only Chappel's (actually with a double "l") I can think of are former Australian cricketers with Greg probably being the most noted of the brothers. Mind you, Donuel's "jokes" usually have me stumped...?

Anyway, as I can't think of anything better, back to a silly childhood one.

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spider.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 09:05 PM

Patrick the rest home gigolo is respondsible for a mass spreader event in more ways than one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 22 - 02:26 PM

Chappel was attacked this morning while performing his comedy.
Chris Rock was there too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 22 - 05:31 AM

This went in the wrong thread, so yertis in the right one! Ahem...

Not quite on-topic, but I can't resist. It was my uncle's funeral yesterday (I wasn't close and I didn't go), at Blackley cemetery near Heaton Park. As the coffin slowly disappeared from view, the song played was Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Apr 22 - 06:56 AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on a gap year in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, but eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Don’t think it was the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 08:25 PM

"Our Dog hasn't got a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Dreadful."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 12:03 PM

The ant joke has reminded me of an incident in my childhood. The family was on holiday, and we ended up at (in?) Poole harbour. My father and mother kept saying: "Look, there's a buoy in the water," but however hard I looked I couldn't see anybody.

Mind you, I've had my revenge on the next generation. There's a certain shape of nose (and an accompanying joke) that I inherited from my father, and bequeathed to my son. Only recently did our daughter tell us that she took ages to work out why the primary-school teachers burst out laughing whenever she said "noses run in our family".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 09:25 AM

A pair of Scottish ones.

Q. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

A. Bing sings but Walt disnae...



I went into a Scottish baker's shop. I pointed to a confection in the window and said to the baker, "That looks tasty. Is it a cake or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a cake..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 05:36 AM

Well at least we know that God has a wicked sense of humour: he created bacon then forbade his chosen people from eating it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:43 AM

A theist and an atheist having a debate about origins . After awhile the atheist host says “. I’ll better go and do the coffee , it won’t make itself “       “    Why not “ says the theist !

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 22 Apr 22 - 04:39 AM

How do you determine the gender of an ant       Put it in water ; if it sinks = girl , if it float = buoyant

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 04:16 PM

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped my mother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:53 PM

'Can We Take a Joke' is a film worth watching.

"The duty of a comedian is to find the line and then deliberately cross it".
George Carlin

I expect the right wing to crave censorship but I am surprised that the left wing is now going safe zone for everyone with inane censorship or worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:31 PM

Ernie in the care home went down to the weekly sing-song. He enjoyed himself, but the care workers were very worried because he kept beginning to fall sideways and they kept having to push him back upright. They were so concerned that they called the doctor to his room after the sing-song.

"Are you feeling OK, Ernie?"

"As right as rain, Doctor!"

"Hmm. Do you like it here, Ernie?"

"I love it, Doc. The only thing is, they won't let me fart..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 03:19 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at the pleasure beach the other day. Half the time I was in floods of. tears, the other half I was laughing my head off. It was an emotional roller-coaster...


I went to buy a train ticket to go to France.
"Eurostar?" said the ticket agent.
"Well, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 12:55 PM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:22 AM

The new medication to mitigate depression and vale of tears is called Screwitall. It comes in a fast acting inhaler or the longer lasting suppository.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 09:12 AM

Bill Mauldin cartoons banned in Russia.
Black History banned in Oklahoma and Texas.
Sense of humor banned in UK village.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:54 AM

I look around and I can't see any of these alleged "comedians..." If only we could agree that a joke is something to make us giggle, lighten the mood, mitigate this vale of tears in which we live...not something to make us squirm, feel sick or groan with embarrassment, something we end up wishing we hadn't read... Georgiansilver, where art thou!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 08:40 AM

The Mayor of Joketown is suspected of Putinesque poisoning of enemy comedians. Invention of jokes has a vastly different definition than repeating and borrowing jokes. Inventors beware.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Get a grip, yanks, you're simply confirming the stereotype...

A couple from the great Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctor and told him that I thought I was becoming a kleptomaniac. The doc said, here, take these tablets and if you're no better in a week bring me a colour TV...


I said to the waiter, hey, this chicken you brought me is stone cold. He said, I'm not surprised - it's been dead for two weeks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 22 - 06:54 AM

Top pop songs in Russia: Crimea River and Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:35 PM

Perhaps England does not have table magicians like the US.
Magicians are master distractors. I have been amazed.
Maybe its a trick like this.
Some jokes aren't meant for everyone.
I'm still pondering Bill's Arab joke about a big nostril.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 09:24 PM

This is a joke thread, not a pissing contest. Lighten up, dude.