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BS: Joke thread for 2023

Steve Shaw 31 Dec 22 - 11:13 AM
Mr Red 31 Dec 22 - 11:25 AM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 22 - 11:41 AM
Donuel 31 Dec 22 - 02:34 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 22 - 03:05 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 22 - 06:03 PM
Dave the Gnome 01 Jan 23 - 05:57 AM
Dave the Gnome 01 Jan 23 - 06:48 AM
MudGuard 01 Jan 23 - 08:54 AM
gillymor 01 Jan 23 - 08:58 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM
Dave the Gnome 01 Jan 23 - 10:03 AM
Bill D 01 Jan 23 - 11:41 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 23 - 11:58 AM
Dave the Gnome 01 Jan 23 - 12:08 PM
Donuel 02 Jan 23 - 07:50 AM
gillymor 02 Jan 23 - 08:15 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 23 - 09:00 AM
Donuel 02 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM
Mrrzy 02 Jan 23 - 01:03 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 23 - 07:14 PM
Mrrzy 03 Jan 23 - 07:37 AM
gillymor 04 Jan 23 - 07:44 AM
Georgiansilver 04 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM
Dave the Gnome 04 Jan 23 - 08:48 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 23 - 09:22 AM
Georgiansilver 04 Jan 23 - 12:07 PM
Georgiansilver 04 Jan 23 - 12:11 PM
Dave the Gnome 04 Jan 23 - 01:49 PM
Mrrzy 04 Jan 23 - 03:26 PM
Donuel 04 Jan 23 - 04:00 PM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 23 - 04:37 PM
Donuel 04 Jan 23 - 06:07 PM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 23 - 06:39 PM
Donuel 04 Jan 23 - 07:50 PM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 23 - 07:55 PM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 23 - 08:04 PM
Donuel 04 Jan 23 - 09:23 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 05:05 AM
gillymor 05 Jan 23 - 05:24 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM
Donuel 05 Jan 23 - 06:52 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 07:01 AM
Mrrzy 05 Jan 23 - 07:56 AM
Donuel 05 Jan 23 - 08:33 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 09:38 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 09:40 AM
Mrrzy 05 Jan 23 - 04:25 PM
Donuel 05 Jan 23 - 04:56 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 05:01 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM
Georgiansilver 06 Jan 23 - 07:41 AM
Steve Shaw 06 Jan 23 - 03:33 PM
Georgiansilver 07 Jan 23 - 08:03 AM
Mrrzy 07 Jan 23 - 08:07 AM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM
Dave the Gnome 07 Jan 23 - 12:16 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 23 - 12:33 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 23 - 12:49 PM
Georgiansilver 07 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM
MaJoC the Filk 07 Jan 23 - 05:45 PM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 23 - 06:28 PM
MaJoC the Filk 09 Jan 23 - 06:21 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 23 - 06:41 AM
Doug Chadwick 09 Jan 23 - 07:12 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 23 - 07:18 AM
Dave the Gnome 09 Jan 23 - 07:51 AM
Donuel 09 Jan 23 - 08:00 AM
gillymor 09 Jan 23 - 08:38 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 23 - 08:51 AM
gillymor 09 Jan 23 - 09:05 AM
MaJoC the Filk 09 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM
Donuel 09 Jan 23 - 11:43 AM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 23 - 04:07 PM
Steve Shaw 09 Jan 23 - 07:44 PM
Bob Hitchcock 09 Jan 23 - 09:10 PM
Mrrzy 09 Jan 23 - 09:50 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 23 - 04:15 AM
Dave the Gnome 10 Jan 23 - 04:42 AM
Donuel 10 Jan 23 - 06:18 AM
Donuel 10 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM
Mrrzy 10 Jan 23 - 08:11 AM
Bob Hitchcock 10 Jan 23 - 08:44 AM
Donuel 10 Jan 23 - 10:00 AM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM
Bill D 10 Jan 23 - 07:00 PM
Mrrzy 10 Jan 23 - 09:20 PM
Steve Shaw 11 Jan 23 - 11:53 AM
Dave the Gnome 11 Jan 23 - 04:41 PM
Bob Hitchcock 11 Jan 23 - 09:43 PM
Donuel 12 Jan 23 - 01:21 PM
Bill D 12 Jan 23 - 01:34 PM
HuwG 13 Jan 23 - 04:25 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 23 - 06:53 AM
Dave the Gnome 13 Jan 23 - 07:59 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 23 - 08:22 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 23 - 08:35 AM
Georgiansilver 13 Jan 23 - 08:50 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 23 - 09:27 AM
Geoff Wallis 13 Jan 23 - 11:15 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM
Bill D 13 Jan 23 - 12:06 PM
Steve Shaw 13 Jan 23 - 12:10 PM
Bill D 13 Jan 23 - 12:28 PM
Bill D 13 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Jan 23 - 10:27 AM
Steve Shaw 14 Jan 23 - 07:16 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Jan 23 - 07:21 PM
Bill D 15 Jan 23 - 09:02 AM
HuwG 16 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM
Dave the Gnome 16 Jan 23 - 10:31 AM
Donuel 16 Jan 23 - 10:43 AM
gillymor 16 Jan 23 - 11:02 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Jan 23 - 11:40 AM
Vincent Jones 16 Jan 23 - 02:24 PM
Donuel 16 Jan 23 - 03:17 PM
Steve Shaw 16 Jan 23 - 03:32 PM
Donuel 16 Jan 23 - 04:01 PM
Steve Shaw 16 Jan 23 - 04:47 PM
Dave the Gnome 17 Jan 23 - 06:16 AM
Mrrzy 17 Jan 23 - 07:35 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 23 - 06:18 PM
Donuel 18 Jan 23 - 09:42 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Jan 23 - 11:25 AM
MaJoC the Filk 18 Jan 23 - 11:27 AM
Donuel 18 Jan 23 - 01:22 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM
Donuel 18 Jan 23 - 06:35 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Jan 23 - 07:28 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM
Donuel 18 Jan 23 - 08:47 PM
Steve Shaw 19 Jan 23 - 06:44 AM
Steve Shaw 19 Jan 23 - 06:55 AM
Steve Shaw 19 Jan 23 - 07:15 AM
Rain Dog 19 Jan 23 - 07:23 AM
Dave the Gnome 19 Jan 23 - 09:58 AM
Dave the Gnome 22 Jan 23 - 05:07 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM
Donuel 22 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 10:32 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 10:42 AM
Dave the Gnome 22 Jan 23 - 12:56 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 01:59 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 07:20 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 23 - 05:59 AM
MaJoC the Filk 23 Jan 23 - 07:43 AM
MaJoC the Filk 23 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 23 - 08:19 AM
Donuel 23 Jan 23 - 08:47 AM
Georgiansilver 23 Jan 23 - 09:51 AM
Georgiansilver 23 Jan 23 - 09:54 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM
Donuel 23 Jan 23 - 10:24 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 23 - 11:45 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 23 - 11:48 AM
Dave the Gnome 23 Jan 23 - 03:15 PM
Steve Shaw 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM
Dave the Gnome 24 Jan 23 - 03:44 PM
Bob Hitchcock 24 Jan 23 - 09:07 PM
Dave the Gnome 26 Jan 23 - 06:43 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jan 23 - 07:30 PM
gillymor 28 Jan 23 - 06:15 AM
gillymor 28 Jan 23 - 06:17 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM
Georgiansilver 28 Jan 23 - 09:09 AM
Donuel 28 Jan 23 - 10:21 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 23 - 10:40 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 23 - 11:59 AM
Donuel 28 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM
Georgiansilver 28 Jan 23 - 02:22 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM
Donuel 28 Jan 23 - 06:05 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 23 - 07:19 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Jan 23 - 08:26 PM
Georgiansilver 29 Jan 23 - 07:42 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM
Bill D 29 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM
Bill D 29 Jan 23 - 10:05 AM
gillymor 29 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM
Bill D 29 Jan 23 - 10:08 AM
Bob Hitchcock 29 Jan 23 - 11:05 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 23 - 11:22 AM
Donuel 29 Jan 23 - 12:04 PM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 23 - 01:05 PM
Donuel 29 Jan 23 - 02:01 PM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 23 - 07:18 PM
Steve Shaw 29 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Jan 23 - 04:06 AM
gillymor 30 Jan 23 - 05:44 AM
Dave the Gnome 30 Jan 23 - 06:19 AM
Steve Shaw 30 Jan 23 - 06:27 AM
gillymor 30 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM
Donuel 30 Jan 23 - 07:10 AM
Steve Shaw 30 Jan 23 - 01:07 PM
Mrrzy 30 Jan 23 - 06:58 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM
Joe_F 30 Jan 23 - 09:05 PM
Georgiansilver 31 Jan 23 - 06:35 AM
leeneia 31 Jan 23 - 03:08 PM
Dave the Gnome 01 Feb 23 - 06:57 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Feb 23 - 07:52 AM
Bob Hitchcock 01 Feb 23 - 09:19 AM
gillymor 01 Feb 23 - 10:08 AM
Donuel 01 Feb 23 - 11:17 AM
Mrrzy 01 Feb 23 - 11:20 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Feb 23 - 12:07 PM
Mr Red 01 Feb 23 - 05:20 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Feb 23 - 06:49 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM
Doug Chadwick 02 Feb 23 - 10:19 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM
Mrrzy 02 Feb 23 - 10:43 AM
Doug Chadwick 02 Feb 23 - 10:59 AM
gillymor 02 Feb 23 - 01:02 PM
Dave the Gnome 02 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Feb 23 - 01:25 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Feb 23 - 06:19 PM
Donuel 02 Feb 23 - 06:30 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM
gillymor 02 Feb 23 - 10:27 PM
gillymor 02 Feb 23 - 10:31 PM

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Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:13 AM

I start this thread with trepidation.

Call me Mr Control Freak, but I have a very strict rule for this thread.

Are you listening?

Ahem... here it is...

THIS IS A JOKE THREAD (Glad I got that off my chest...)

I went to the doc on Thursday. He told me he had good news and bad news.

"The good news is that your test results tell me that you still have 48 hours to live."

"No! That's good news? So what's the bad news, Doc?"

"I forgot to tell you this when I saw you on Tuesday..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:25 AM

You're a control freak. Pissing into the wind.
Now how are you going to enforce your peccadilloes ?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:41 AM

Hmm.. That seems to imply that you don't know what "peccadillo" means... Now stop your snarling and tell us a joke!

Did you hear about the chameleon who forgot how to change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 02:34 PM

What was Steven Hawking's last words?

The windows xp log out sound


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 03:05 PM

Hmm. Didn't take long for my well-meaning thread to be hijacked by a pair of humourless tossers, did it?

Anyway, ploughing on...

Doctor, doctor! I've got a lettuce stuck up me bum!

Hmm, lessee... Well, I can see it's just the tip of the iceberg...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 06:03 PM

Strictly for Brit humour, especially if you're a scouser, doubly especially if you're a Liverpool fan:

A wayside pulpit outside a local church in Liverpool, in the late 1960s:

'Jesus Saves!'

Some wag wrote below it, 'St John knocks in the rebound'...

Another one said, 'What will you do when Jesus returns?' Someone added 'Move St. John to inside right!'

[For the non-cognoscenti, you poor things, Ian St John was a legendary Liverpool goal-scorer in the sixties]


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 05:57 AM

Are peccadilloes them little flutes?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 06:48 AM

Seasonal and possibly repeated jokes

How does good king Wenceleslas like his pizza?

Deep pan. Crisp and even.


Bethehem- the first Noel


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 08:54 AM

> Are peccadilloes them little flutes?

NO, it is a place in London ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 08:58 AM

It's a long way to...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM

My seven-year-old grandson got a kids' joke book for Christmas. He just told me this one:

"Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Because his mother threw a refrigerator at him."

I think I'll avoid any further books from that publisher!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 10:03 AM

Isn't the place in London piccalilli?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 11:41 AM

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 11:58 AM

Ha, brilliant!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 12:08 PM

When I saw the pope I thought he was blessing us. He was actually gesticulating as he shouted "Oy, you down there. Get the fuck off my lawn!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 07:50 AM

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.captaincoon.dog.simulator&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 With apps to translate dog speech most breeds share small talk but breeds like poodles and border collies have been heard saying things like "It's not enough for dogs to win, cats must lose".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 08:15 AM

2.6 rating over 11K reviews, looks like your barking up the wrong tree.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 09:00 AM

As ever. Always tell us a joke!

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a small bucket!"

"Hmm. Well you are a little pale..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a small bucket!"

"Hmm. Well in your case you are full of shit..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 01:03 PM

23 being prime...

Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one" or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM

You're a right bloody pair of jokers all right but all you're doing is trying to derail what should be a light-hearted thread. Neither of you know a joke from a bull's foot. So what's new.

Anyway.

The teacher said, "Now, Jimmy, I want you to tell me a sentence beginning with the letter 'I.'"

"OK, Miss. I is..."

"No, no, Jimmy! You must say 'I am...!'"

"OK, Miss. 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet...'"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 07:14 PM

The teacher was telling her infant class about the garden of Eden and the first man and woman.

"Now, children, I've told you the story. So who can remember the name of the first man?"

A hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

"Very good! Now can anyone remember the name of the first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along! We only did this yesterday!"

Silence.

"All right, I'll give you a clue. Now do you remember what I told you about the first woman and the apple? So what was the woman's name?"

A hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 23 - 07:37 AM

Core blimey, kid musta been the apple of her eye


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:44 AM

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM

News came in fresh this morning that 5 cliff walkers had all fallen to their deaths. Strange at they all had the same name!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 08:48 AM

GS - :-D I'm pinching that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 09:22 AM

"What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time Jonathan Ross was interviewing The Edge from U2 on the telly. He started by asking him if it was all right if he called him "The..." :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 12:07 PM

Dave the Gnome... you
are welcome.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 12:11 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 01:49 PM

Stevie Wonder challenges Tiger Woods to a round of golf.

OK, says Tiger. How about Augusta, next Tuesday. What time suits you?

Midnight replies Stevie...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 03:26 PM

The menu said breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 04:00 PM

As a response to the epic failure of Kevin McCarthy it was said today "When a person sells their soul it is prudent to know if there is a buyer". It turns out no one was buying it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 04:37 PM

And the punchline is...?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 06:07 PM

The descent into dementia begins with confusion and an inability to discern wit from an elementary punchline.

My mom said live your dreams so I took an exam that I didn't study for naked.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 06:39 PM

Do try to keep your bitterness and crassness out of a light-hearted joke thread. Just tell us a joke for a change.

A woman in the labour ward suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the midwife. “Those are just contractions.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:50 PM

YES SIR, HAPPY NEW YEAR SIR, BUT I SEE BM'S are on my screen, not in the latrine.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:55 PM

I don't know what "BMs" are but I do know that the apostrophe you provided didn't belong. So was that the germ of a joke or am I clutching at straws?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 08:04 PM

A doctor complained to his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”

Two weeks later, he got home unexpectedly early, to find her shagging his practice partner.

“What the hell is going on here?!” he raged.

“Just getting a second opinion,” she replied...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 09:23 PM

Ode to a washed up curmudgeon.

Some things are more than obvious.
There are but two in his audience.
Him and his missus who dismisses
his tired expired licenses
But at night she reminisces
when he imagined his eminence.
Now, only a deluded narcissist.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:05 AM

Only a washed-up curmudgeon can keep coming to a light-hearted joke thread, never tell a joke but persistently try to drown the thread with dreary nonsense.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hey, did you know that they're a drink named after you?"

"Really?"said the grasshopper, "There's a drink called Stan?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:24 AM

(lol, Mrrzy)

Can't we keep this thread just about the jokes, fellas.

"Since when do you wear an ear ring?"

"Since my wife found it in the back seat of the car."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

I'm trying bloody hard, aren't I, gillymor. But the best he can do is to come up with his narcissistic doggerel in not one but two threads! I suppose the joke could be that he thinks he's a poet...

Two blokes are out hunting when one of them suddenly collapses and stops breathing, his eyes glazed over. His friend rings the emergency number.

"Please help me! It's my friend - he collapsed and I think it's too late - he looks dead!"

"Now calm down, sir. First of all let's be sure that he is actually dead..."

Silence, followed by the sound of a shot. He goes back to his phone.

"OK, now what?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 06:52 AM

Steve is as light hearted as cat scratch fever and all the dad jokes in the world won't lift his pinched virulent viewpoint.like roses are red violets are blue thought I had covid it was only the flu.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 07:01 AM

'Ave a word, gilly... :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 07:56 AM

Steve, tell a joke already. You are the one who started this thread with "dreary nonsense" after all.

Another funny Steve quote:

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 08:33 AM

What would be justice for Donald Trump??? I say DO NOT LOCK HIM UP.
Instead turn all of his golf courses into housing for poor immigrants, homeless and minorities.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 09:38 AM

Well, Mrrzy, neither you nor your fellow compatriot troll (what else do we call a man who serially tries to undermine and sour a lighthearted thread for his own perverted reasons...) has managed to raise even the faintest titter so far in this thread. As for me, I'm trying to stick a joke into every post. It would be nice if that's all I had to do, frankly.

Anyhoo...

Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of trainers and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed his friend, "We can’t outrun that bear, even with running shoes!”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 09:40 AM

By the way, the quote you ascribed to me has nothing to do with me. Never post before coffee is my advice.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 04:25 PM

Someone lol'd me, dude.

And no, that was from a funny Steve.

If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 04:56 PM

ICBM's are Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
Those things that made total war too expensive to wage/

IT KEPT THE PEACE for 50 years or so AT GREAT EXPENSE until a bomb smaller than an atom is devised that will leave no debris radiation or damage and only erase life. For that we have climate change.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:01 PM

And the punchline is...?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM

I broke my leg and it was in plaster from top to bottom. My mate came to see me, and asked if he could sign my plaster.

He grabbed a felt-tip pen and wrote "get a life, you stupid bastard!" on my plaster.

"What do you think you're doing!" I shouted.

He replied, "I'm just adding insult to injury..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Jan 23 - 07:41 AM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 23 - 03:33 PM

I went to see the doctor again. He told me that the problem was that I have hypochondria.

I sighed and said, "Well I might as well have - I've got everything else..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 08:03 AM

Steve.... I looked through a medical book and realised that Hypochondria was the only thing I don't have.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 08:07 AM

I'm a hyperchondriac. I'm *fine* thankyouverymuch.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM

The doctor told me that I had hypochondria.

"No, I don't accept that!" I shouted, "I want a fifteenth opinion!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 12:16 PM

I'm hypochondric.

My tombstone will say "I told you I was ill!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 12:33 PM

The doctor said to me, "Good news! You're not a hypochondriac after all! You really ARE dying!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 12:49 PM

The doc spotted Bob the hypochondriac in the waiting room. 'Not again, Bob,' said the overworked GP. 'You were only here on Monday afternoon, and now here again on Wednesday morning?'

'Couldn’t come yesterday though,' replied Bob, 'I was ill.'


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM

Why is it no fun to tell a hypochondriac a joke?

Because they've think they got it, but they haven't got it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 05:45 PM

> "I told you I was ill!"

Spike Milligan's tombstone, at his own request, bore "I told them I was ill". They had to translate it into (I *think*) Gaelic to sneak it past the Church Commissioners.

Thinking of which: I once saw the following on a church entrance (in Norfolk iirc), with a note that this also was at the instigator's request:

Here lie I by the churchyard door
Here lie I because I'm poor
The further in the more you pay
Here lie I as warm as they


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 06:28 PM

One of the grimmest gravestone inscriptions I know of is the one on the grave of Jim (whose surname I forget) who was the landlord of the Bush Inn in Morwenstow, Cornwall. The grave is in the Morwenstow churchyard. It reads:

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead


(from a poem by WH Auden)

Jim died some time in the 1990s. We knew him and his partner Beryl quite well. A more severe pair of sourpusses you've never met. One summer's evening Mrs Steve and I drove to the pub, looking forward to a pleasant bar meal, which the pub was noted for. When we arrived, we found all the doors locked and Jim strolling around outside. To my polite enquiry as to the prospect of our obtaining a drink and a meal, he told me that he wasn't opening. He didn't feel like it. He couldn't be bothered. Tails between legs, we made our way home, stopping at the chippy in Kilkhampton.

Seems that the tone of his epitaph was in keeping with his character...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 06:21 AM

Fresh off the press:

Maia Gulpa: the old woman who swallowed a fly.

I'll go finish getting the washing muddy while hanging it up to dry ....


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 06:41 AM

God, man, pale yellow and tiny on a white background. Some of us struggle even with reading glasses, you know!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:12 AM

pale yellow and tiny on a white background

Select the text, as if you were going to copy it, and it becomes black on a blue background.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:18 AM

That didn't work, Doug...

Who's that other fellow that does that? Gargoyle?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:51 AM

Worked for me but it was white on a blue background. Device or browser dependant maybe?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:00 AM

A quick and easy espionage tool used to be to use an image background and put a text layer in its most pale setting then the receiver of the image would open the image in photoshop and go to maximum contrast.
By a similar process, you can also make subliminal messages.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:38 AM

Stop, you're killing me, sides are splitting, coffee spewing from both nostrils, ROTFLMFASO!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:51 AM

Have you got more than one arse, gilly? :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:05 AM

That was me adding an abbreviated F-bomb for emphasis, Don is such a funny guy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM

As it seems to yield dischuff or distress (or misidentification), I'll try to limit further low-contrasting to slow-release punchlines.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 11:43 AM

As a kid when the doorbell rang we smiled and cheered "it's company".
Now when there is a knock we say "who the fuck is that" to our dismay

As a kid we saw at the carnival the big and fat tattooed man or lady.
Now almost everyone at the Mall looks fat tattooed and lazy.

As a kid Getty was dead but there were still Vanderbilts and Rockefellers.
Now since they don't pay taxes a billionaire might be any random fellow.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 04:07 PM

...And the punchline is...?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:44 PM

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two...



I married a tennis player, but we soon divorced. It was clear that, to her, love meant nothing.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:10 PM

A man with dyslexia walked into a bra.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:50 PM

Dyslexics of the world, untie!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 04:15 AM

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIEIE


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 04:42 AM

Lysdexia lures KO!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 06:18 AM

Legible NHS doctor's notes;
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
10. She is numb from her toes down.
11. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
12. Skin: somewhat pale but present.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM

An elderly man has been released from the hospital to spend his final
days at home with his beloved wife. He's lying in bed when he smells the
aroma of his favorite home made cookies. Despite his frail condition, he
manages to get out of bed and make his way to the kitchen. Seeing a
plate of freshly baked cookies, he reaches out a trembling hand to get
one when his wife smacks him on the wrist with a spatula, saying "Put
that back! Those are for the funeral."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 08:11 AM

I am CDO.

That is OCD but with the letters in their proper order.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 08:44 AM

If life is giving you melons, you might be dyslexic.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 10:00 AM

Montgomery County saved thousands of dollars in special education by deciding dyslexia does not exist.
Like wise Turkey's government science advisors saved millions in Earthquake preparedness by deciding to move the earthquake fault.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM

A dyslexic boy is in the car with his mum going home from school.

“Can we go to McDonald’s, mum? I’m hungry!"

“Well, if you can spell McDonald’s, we’ll stop on the way home..."

He starts to try: “M…C...er..." but he's struggling.

Eventually he says, "Forget it, mum, let's just have a KCF."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 07:00 PM

A woman was nursing her baby at a party when she felt it was time to change sides, and lifted the baby's head... who immediately began to cry.

   "Oh, what's wrong?, asked a friend, "He was so quiet & happy till just now."

The mother grinned..: "Short term mammary loss."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 09:20 PM

Male pattern bonding... he's just not that into you


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 23 - 11:53 AM

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?


"Arrrr, matey!"


I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Jan 23 - 04:41 PM

I just passed a one legged man stood at the cash machine

He was checking his balance


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 11 Jan 23 - 09:43 PM

Two cows were standing in a field when one said to the other "what do you think about this mad cow disease that's going around?" the other one said "why should I care, I'm a duck"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 23 - 01:21 PM

After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate
Its called Life

Customer: "Alcoholism is a disease."
Bartender: "You can get your shots here."


My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.
It runs in the genes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Jan 23 - 01:34 PM

A farmer's son took a young lady out behind the barn, hoping to get romantic. A cow and a calf were out in the field, huddled together and nuzzling each other.

"Oh, look there," he said, "Isn't that nice... that's what I'd like to be doing!"

"Oh, go right ahead," she said, "they're your cows."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: HuwG
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 04:25 AM

To err is human ...

To arr is piracy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 06:53 AM

That Bill joke reminds me of a Barry Cryer classic:

A man ran over a cockerel with his car and went to a nearby farmhouse to see how he can help. A woman opens the door and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’ She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back’.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 07:59 AM

Ha - Slight laugh
Ha Ha - Good laugh
Ha Ha Ha - Sarcastic laugh
Ha Ha Ha Ha - Stayin' alive, stayin' alive


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:22 AM

Another Barry one:

A wife is in the bathroom trying on a new dress. She comes out and says to her husband: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ He says: ‘Oh be fair, love, it’s quite a small bathroom’.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:35 AM

A Frankie Howerd one. When I was a student in London my landlady was Elizabeth Larner, who played Ammonia in Frankie Howerd's Roman sitcom (Up Pompeii). One evening, Frankie was their dinner guest, and we students were under strict orders not to venture out of our rooms to try to glimpse him! We heard quite a bit of uproarious laugher from downstairs...

To the joke...


An 82 year old man goes to his doctor.

'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,' says the old man.

'How old are you?' the doctor asks.

'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man.

The Doctor said, '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.'

'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later.

'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?'

'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly.

'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously.

'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:50 AM

I went to the doctor recently and told him 'I want my sex drive lowering'.. He laughed and said 'At your age it's all in your head'... I replied, 'That's what I mean...I want it lowering!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 09:27 AM

One more Barry one:

Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:15 AM

Here's a Cryer classic.

Walking down the high street one day a woman spots a sign in the local pet shop: 'Talking parrot, only £5 (cage included)'.

Intrigued, she enters the store and asks the proprietor why it's priced so cheaply.

"Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. "And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary."

"Never mind," says the woman. "At that price, I'll take it."

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

"New place - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

"New place, new girls - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Oh hello, Keith!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM

Heheh! We went to one of his one-man shows a few years ago (except that he had Colin Sell with him!), and every time I read one of his jokes I hear it in my head with his voice telling it. That's wonderful!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:06 PM

There was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.
So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house, I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:10 PM

We went to one of Humph's jazz concerts, as it happened just six weeks before he died. He was in great form. I'm not a jazz fan but we took my father-in-law for his birthday treat. In between pieces he did plenty of the old banter. At one stage he told us that Barry Cryer had once asked him if he'd ever shoed a horse. He replied that no he hadn't, but he'd once told a pig to piss off...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:28 PM

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM

After London's "Great" Britain Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out and celebrate.
The guy from Corona sits down and sez, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's bestest brew-- a Corona pleeeze' --The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and geeves it to heem.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like what's really the best brew in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers'-- throw me Bud, Buddy.'--The bartender grits his teeth and lobs him a cold one.

The guy from Coors, having shaken the the Union rabble from his entourage says, "I'd like the only Right-to-Work beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water! Toss me some Colorado joy!!."--And he gets it!

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Ahm... I'll just have a Coke-- Classic, please..."

The bartender, a bit taken aback, gives him a bottle of the best cola ever.

The other brewery presidents, startled at that order, mutter, almost in unison: "Ya'rn't drinking a Guinness?!?'

"Well, I fig'r'ed if ya Lad's aren't drinking beer, needer wu'd I...'


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 10:27 AM

Another Barry one:

A man is in the front room and his wife is in the kitchen. She says: ‘Smoked salmon or chicken?’ And he says: ‘Oh, love, smoked salmon.’ She says, ‘You’re having soup, Fatty. I was talking to the cat.’


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:16 PM

Even more Barry Cryer:

A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: 'If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks.'

'Oh yes,' says the landlord. 'How are you going to do that?'

The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. 'That's incredible!' says the landlord. 'Have you got anything else?'

The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The landlord is delighted. 'I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?' he asks. The man shakes his head: no.

'Will you sell just one then?' asks the bartender. 'OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100,' the man says. The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says: 'You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100.' 'No I'm not,' the man replies. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:21 PM

A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?" The doctor replies: "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say something in a normal voice and if she doesn't answer, move a little nearer and say it again and you'll get an idea about her hearing."

So when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen. He says "What's for dinner love?" but gets no answer. He moves in a little closer "What's for dinner love?" again, no response, and moves in again "What's for dinner love?" - nothing.

By now he's right behind her, he says again "What's for dinner love?" She turns round and says "For the fourth time - chicken!!"

Cheers, Barry!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jan 23 - 09:02 AM

Two old friends accidentally meet for the first time in months. Bob rushes up to Sam and gushes, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you, Sam! About 2 months ago, my life changed! You know how I was always hard of hearing? Welll.. I got new hearing aids! They cost me over $3000, but it makes such a difference!"

"That's great", Sam replies, "What kind are they?"

Bob glances at his watch... "Oh, about 11:15."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM

Two from UK comedian Jack Dee...

She: Does this hat go with this dress?
He: Yes. They're both horrible.


She: Does my bottom look big in this?
He: Well, it is rather a small shop.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:31 AM

I told my friend I liked Beyonce. He said whatever floats your boat. I said no, that's buoyancy :?-?D


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:43 AM

Reporter: Metropolitan policeman Rob Steele has been indicted for raping 49 women despite having 10-year-old priors. We have Police Commissioner Shawn Stevens here to respond to these charges, What actions have you taken regarding Officer Steele?
Commissioner: In case he is a bad apple I have put him on desk duty.
Reporter: Will you fire the entire Police Force?
Commissioner: Why would I do that?
Reporter: Because one bad apple spoils the bunch.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:02 AM

Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Husband: No dear, it's the fat that makes you look fat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:40 AM

Then there's the oft-told old chestnut (but why not...)

Wife, looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror, wailing at her husband:

"Oh my God! What's happened to me! Look! Belly flab, bat's wings, love handles, saggy tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, cellulite, varicose veins on my bandy legs... PLEASE tell me something that's good about me!"

"Well, dear, you still have perfect eyesight..."


Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 02:24 PM

So a bloke's at the doctors and mentions in passing that he farts a lot.

"It's not really a problem, doctor, as they're silent and they don't smell," he says.

The doctor gave him some pills and tells him to come back in a week.

Next week he's back.

"Well, doctor," he says, "I took the pills, but now my farts don't half pen and ink."

"Right," says the doctor, "Now that we've sorted out your sense of smell we'll work on your hearing."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:17 PM

Steve, https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-64289461


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:32 PM

And you think that belongs in a joke thread? What's the matter with you?


The doc told me that he had bad news and good news.

"What's the bad news, Doc?"

"I'm afraid you have short-term memory loss."

"Oh no! So what's the bad news?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:01 PM

your police are a joke

good news bad news jokes are juvenile jokes


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:47 PM

And you are being an idiot. Back down, either tell us a real joke or go off and inhabit your own multiple threads.

Q. What do you call a quiet Hawaiian laugh?

A. Aloha.

I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:16 AM

My car's windscreen was frosted over this morning, so I tried using a supermarket loyalty card as an ice scraper. Unfortunately, I was only able to get 20% off


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jan 23 - 07:35 AM

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Gimme the good news, doc.
Ok. You have AIDS.

What??? That's the good news? What's the bad news?
You have Alzheimer's.

...

Well, at least I don't have AIDS...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:18 PM

An artist had all his paintings in a gallery. One day he popped in to see how things were going.

Artist: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Artist: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery owner: He was your doctor...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 09:42 AM

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:25 AM

As of now, this joke thread has been posted to 125 times. You have posted to it 21 times and just a single one of those has contained a joke. There really is something wrong with you, isn't there?

A man went to the doctor with a sore throat.

"I'm afraid your tonsils will have to come out."

"What! At my age? I want a second opinion!"

"OK. That's a lousy haircut you've got there..."



I went to the fair. A fortune teller who was extremely bored and grumpy told me that I had only days to live. So I found another one, who told me in extremely angry tones that I'd live forever. Desperately, I looked around for yet another, but I couldn't find a happy medium...


I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:27 AM

Just saw this (in an article about computer-assisted writing):

What did the fish say as it swam into a wall?

Dam!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:22 PM

Joe Camel eat your heart out. They now have lightweight AR15's for kids but they call them JR-15's The ads have baby skulls for girls and boys.
Its a great way to reduce child abuse, look out teachers and parents.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM

You're sick in the head, aren't you?


A woman arrived home and told her husband that she had good news and bad news.

"So what's the good news?" He asked.

"Well, your car's air bags work perfectly..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

Two old friends, Bill and Ben, were football fanatics and loved to play the game. Then one day Bill died, leaving Ben inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ben heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal Bill!

“Ben,” Bill called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s football in heaven!”

“That's great!" said Ben, “But what's the bad news?”

“You’re in the team on Sunday...”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 06:35 PM

You google your jokes. We can do that and cut out the middleman.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 07:28 PM

You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM

Doc: "Good news! We found a liver donor that matches your blood type!"

Patient: "What could possibly be the bad news?"

Doc: "It's Keith Richards..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:47 PM

When have you known me to shy away from dangerous humor and actual events? Never. Perhaps ancient humor will be a welcomed change.
...Momma why is my sister such a smartie pants?
Well dear, On the sixth day God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam.

Bubba's mom said "Thats why girls are smarter than boys". Bubba said I never knew that. Bubba's mom said "Exactly"



btw I don't need google to spin a joke but I still prefer true stories.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:44 AM

A judge was reviewing the criminal history of the defendant in front of him and noticed that there was a five-year gap in which he'd committed no offences.

"How is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

“That’s not possible,” said the judge, "I wasn’t even a judge at the start of the five years!"

“No, you weren’t the judge. You were my defence lawyer.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:55 AM

A major bank was recruiting for an in-house lawyer.

The interviewer asked the young candidate, "Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest? Let me tell you something about my honesty. My dad lent me £50,000 for my university fees, and I paid back every penny straight after my first case.”

"That's very impressive. What sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:15 AM

My English teacher told me I was rubbish at English, but I didn't believe her even though I'd just failed my English test for the 3th time...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:23 AM

Two (or is it one?) people log onto the Last Word forum.

One says to the other "whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you."

The other says to the one "No. Whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you."

And they both lived happily ever after.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 09:58 AM

Someone said the other day I was too tall for a Gnome

No, sez I. I shrink, therefore I am


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 05:07 AM

This morning I rang the council to ask if it was okay to have a skip in the road outside my house.

They said go for it, fatty, you could use the exercise


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM

I knocked on the door of the guest house. The landlady appeared at an upstairs window and shouted down to me, "What do you want?"

I said, "I'd like to stay here..."

She said, "Stay there then. I don't care..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM

A car stopped by me as I was hitch-hiking. He wound his window down and said, "What do you want?"

I said, "I need a lift."

He said, "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!" and drove off.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM

Kaufman, Carlin, and Pryor walked into a bar. They would have killed if they hadn't died.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:32 AM

Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:42 AM

Here's a bit of a rude one but we're all grown-ups (except me):

An elephant met a camel.

The elephant said, "Why is it you camels have your tits on your back?"

The camel paused for a minute, then replied, "That's an unusual question coming from someone who has his dick on his face..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 12:56 PM

True story. A joke shop I Fleetwood had a hand written notice saying "Push hard. Door sticks". I went in and asked for a door stick and they just looked blank!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 01:59 PM

"This door is alarmed." I love that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:20 PM

I went to a record shop and asked, “Have you got anything by the Doors?” He said, “Yes, a bucket of sand, a mop and a brush..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM

I saw a sign on a shop door that said ‘Guide Dogs Welcome’. I walked in and was greeted by a Labrador who thanked me for shopping and took my jacket.

I was at the bottom of the escalator when I saw a sign that said "Dogs must be carried." I couldn't go up because I didn't have a dog.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:59 AM

Two Tim Vine specials:

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:43 AM

I could have sworn I typed this one in, but clearly not in this thread:

Fritz Spiegl, did a piece on Radio 3 about Jacques Offenbach, a composer with a mischievous sense of humour. He remarked that Offenbach would have been delighted at this notice, seen in the window of a music shop in Soho:

Bach at two, Offenbach sooner


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM

.... and another:

Notice on the door of a university Music Department:

    Door sticks, please wiggle Handel

.... with this scrawled underneath:

    If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:19 AM

Just off to the supermarket. I have my Chopin Liszt. I'll be Bach in a fugue minuets...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:47 AM

All these are repeats. Repeating yourself is a symptom, you do need a check-up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:51 AM

Admonishing others is also a symptom....usually one of low self esteem.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:54 AM

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. An animal Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

In a sense, nearly all jokes are repeats after a fashion. Genuine joke-inventors are rare beasts, so we have to resort to mass-borrowings. Unfortunately, not only can Donuel not invent jokes (like the rest of us I suppose, though most of us, unlike him, have the sense not to try), he doesn't know what a joke is. Dictionaries are available. Here's another of my oft-repeated Tim Vine ones:

I was on the Big Dipper on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears. It was an emotional roller-coaster...

Another thing that I like about jokes is that they gradually change in the telling down the years. They undergo a joke folk-process!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:24 AM

Do you mean Steve suffers from low self-esteem?
Steve quotes:
Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you.
Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread.
You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot.


Then I will repeat my originals. But I won't google...Momma, why is my sister such smartie pants?
Well dear, On the sixth day, God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break, and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like a woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam.

Timmy's mom said, "That's why girls are smarter than boys". Timmy said I never knew that. Mom said "Exactly"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:45 AM

I'll risk even lower esteem by informing you that that isn't a joke.

Here's a proper joke, another Tim one:

"My Christmas decorations are all inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:48 AM

And why don't you start (yet another) new thread? It could be entitled "Donuel's thread of non-googled jokes". Go on, give us a laugh! (Oh, the irony...)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 03:15 PM

The lad serving us at the fast food takeaway on Saturday insisted that he was from Tolkein's Middle Earth

Yea. There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvish


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

A slightly rude googled one:

A woman had a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £10,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the chap, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to buy some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly replies, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I'll be able to tell you exactly how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 03:44 PM

I just discovered that my electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 09:07 PM

Two Flutes walk into a bar. One says to the other "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night". The other one replied "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 06:43 PM

Every morning I used to walk my cow in the vineyard.

Yes. I herd it through the grapevine.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 07:30 PM

...herd it through the bovine?

Why do cows have hooves instead of proper feet?

Because they lactose...

I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Super Bowl Predictions
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:15 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:17 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM

I've sold all my body parts in order to feed my gambling addiction. Maybe I should quit while I'm still a head...

My wife can't help skipping through flowery meadows. I think she has a gambolling addiction...

Someone's been spreading rumours that I have a gambling addiction. I'm not sure who it is, but my money's on George...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 09:09 AM

I had a bad addiction to gambling so I went to 'Gamblers anonymous'. Now I'm a little better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:21 AM

'The thing about land mines is that they're easy to install, but with a hair trigger they're very dangerous, deadly and expensive to remove' - the perfect description of Republican candidates.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:40 AM

Jokes, puns, epigrams, aphorisms, bon mots, all welcome in this thread. There are threads for other stuff.


A policemen pulled a driver over on a quiet country road.

"Sir, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?"

"Oh, thank God! I thought I'd gone deaf!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 11:59 AM

...And the punchline is...?

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a woman who helps to deliver babies!"

"Don't worry, sir. You're just going through a midwife crisis..."


I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was delivered the midwife slapped my mother...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM

I believe you are unhappy. I have given no cause for offense.
Putting a finer point on things is not only kosher
it is required by finer minds.

What would satisfy the mad narcissist beast?
Do you need some sort of egotistical feast?
I daresay you have eaten enough
All I have is a deserved rebuff
Voila and for dessert
You are quite berserk


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 02:22 PM

I've been coming to Mudcat for many a year.
On the Joke thread son occasions my jokes will appear.
Some are quite funny, a few are naff.
Some even make the odd member laugh.
One persons jokes draw no smile or no grin.
In fact his presence is wearing quite thin.
His name of course, I will not tell .
But it may well rhyme...his....name ........is......?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM

William Tell? George Szell? Tom Bell? Gwynne (Nell)? Jacques Brel? Go on, Georgiansilver - I give up! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:05 PM

Now that is authentic with spirit.
we have no reason to fear it
whenever we compose
in rhyme or in prose
the truth that is told
is explicit


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 07:19 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and fugue in D minor


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 08:26 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious!
Did Father Ignatius
Forget that the bishop has piles?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:42 AM

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire,
Without any pampshire,
Till the Bishop insisted he walisbury






For those who fail to understand the shortened version of Salisbury and Hampshire will give you the answer.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM

A gorgeous young lady from Exeter
Had all the young men crane their necks at 'er
But one was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM

A lovely young girl from Australia
Painted her arse with a dahlia
The colours were fine
As was the design
But the fragrance, alas, was a failure


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

A clever old hooker named Gail
Was tattooed with her prices for tail.
   And on her behind,
   For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.

(I told that in a group at a music gathering once, and there was a loud snort from behind be where our blind member had been listening.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:05 AM

Three old ladies were riding on a bus...
One said, "Windy today, isn't it?"
The second replied, "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."
The third said, "I'm thirsty, too. Let's get off and have a Coke."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

A husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years his wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator and goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:08 AM

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
   But the good ones I've seen,
   So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:05 AM

There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry just wouldn't scan,
When asked as to why,
He said in reply,
It's because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:22 AM

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who'd lifted her nightie
'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 12:04 PM

The artist felt joy in creating
but fans were often debating
if the forms that were made
were by brush or by blade
"They were done by nude procreating".


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 01:05 PM

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Eloped with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 02:01 PM

Airplanes and boats go down
They die by fire or drown
But automobile's
Achilles heel
are cars, cliffs and the ground


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:18 PM

Grade E- for that last one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 04:06 AM

There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice
‘Twas the common belief
It was done for relief
And not out of protestant malice


There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 05:44 AM

Donuel, do you have to air out your grievances in this thread, I come here looking for a laugh, not to witness petty squabbles. P.M. a moderator or something. Please.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:19 AM

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said "It's disgusting
But it only needs dusting"
And think of the money I'll save"

There was a young man from Peel Green
Who invented a wanking machine
On the 99th stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his poor bollocks to cream

Now we have sunk to rock bottom, we can only gety better :-D


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:27 AM

Dozens of your posts in this thread, Donuel, but just a single joke. But we're managing despite you.

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets, Tat, Nat and Pat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

There once was a lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
Then a man came along,
And unless I am wrong,
You were hoping this line would be lewd.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 07:10 AM

What we say no to in life is as important as what we say yes to.
Thw liars culture of yours, stevie, is the same as people who verbally attacked 82 year old Paul Pelosi, or the petroleum industry who we expect to lie, that they are the only stable answer to energy needs. The liars culture now includes deep fakes. Defending against fakes is proving too difficult so an asterisk is given what can be proved real.
For people like you who have no respect for people except yourself are aiding and abetting the liars culture. Next I will give examples of your words even if it is anachronistic. Taking a stand against lies is a noble cause in this day and age no matter how small or large. You could regret that your deepest secret might be divulged but I do not engage in extortion. The truth is, I liked the gilly limerick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 01:07 PM

I haven't got any secrets. I must say, gillymor, that "Bude" is almost as fertile ground as "Nantucket" when it comes to limericks...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:58 PM

Well, if it's limericks you want...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM

Good link there, Mrrzy! :-)


There was a young lady named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap,
And cried “Gordon, you're right up my alley!”


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 09:05 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that one cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 06:35 AM

There was a young man from Hunts
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the c.... in the punts
and the tricks of the p..... that were f...ing 'em


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: leeneia
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 03:08 PM

Hi, Donuel. I liked gillymor's limerick too. Since it ends up as a comment upon itself, it qualifies as a meta-limerick, don't you think?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:57 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it and three to sing in close harmony about the dead one

How many traditiohal folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Nothing must change


How many singer songwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change it and five to write deep meaningful songs about their relationship with the old one


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:52 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to do it normally and the other three all to do it in slightly different ways. There must be folk process...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 09:19 AM

Last night I had dinner at a new place called Karma Cafe. There were no menus, they just served you what you deserved.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 10:08 AM

Somebody said, maybe Mark Twain, analyzing humor is like vivisection, you may get some answers but the subject dies on the table.

Once again- Joke Thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:17 AM

Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread.

“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” — Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation… but I hear that it’s coming quickly.” ? Mel Brooks
“I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
"double entendres like these are put in a class of pun humor but they are no joke." - Donuel


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:20 AM

A wizard walked into a gay bar ...

... and disappeared with a *poof*!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 12:07 PM

"Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread."

Sorry, but you're not getting away with that. It's just a feeble attempt to somehow legitimise your plethora of non-jokes, to somehow set them alongside the genuine jokes as equal in value to the real jokes, in what is a thread that's meant to be carefree and lighthearted. Your dozens of moans and non-jokes have been a concerted attempt to derail the thread for bitter reasons known only to you. A good joke exists in order to give us a belly laugh at best, failing that a titter at least, and occasionally a groan get-me-coat moment. It matters not a jot if they are unoriginal googles or repeats. You clearly don't understand any of these things. A good thing for you to do would be to review all your posts to this thread and reflect honestly on what you've really been trying to do.

Anyway.

A frantic man is on the phone to the nurse. "You've got to help me! My wife's waters have broken and her contractions are only two minutes apart! HELP!"

The nurse asks calmly, "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot! This is her husband!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 05:20 PM

Sabine Hossenfelder has a very dry sense of humour on her Science Youtube channel. see Science News: @ 18:26

Basically when asked how to solve a problem with a quantum computer, she suggested "have you tried switching it on and off ............. at the same time"

Caveat for our resident kibitzer - "humour is relative" - some people can't relate, and it shows.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:49 PM

I suppose. Now do you know any jokes, preferably told in plain English? I've tried hard to accommodate your style by coming up with an arcane and obscurantist way of saying the following, but I've failed miserably in that quest. So the very best I can do is to say it this way:

Ahem:

"This is a joke thread."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A bloke was coming round after his operation when the surgeon appeared at his bedside.

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doc.

"Oh God! Well tell me the good news first, Doc!"

"Well, remember I said that your whole right leg would have to come off? Thing is, we only had to remove half of it after all!"

"Oh, that's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:19 AM

What happened to the joke I posted this morning?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Dunno, but I composed a reply, which wouldn't send, now yours is missing so I have a redundant post saved up! You were taking the mick because you think I mention Blair Peach too many times, I think, something like that anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Oh yes, your joke too...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:43 AM

Report? Mudcat was down for a bit.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:59 AM

If your reply over on the Brexit thread started with "Sarkey ...", then it did take although it's not there now.

Anyway, not to waste a good joke, here it is again:-

A man was driving across country when he took a call from his wife on his hands-free phone. In an agitated voice, she said:
"If you're on the motorway, be careful. It's just been on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the M62".
"It's worse than that" he replied. "I'm on the M62 and they're all driving the wrong way'.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:02 PM

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

Wht d y gt f y rmv ll th vwls?

Rbbsh


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:25 PM

Tht jk s jst bllcks f y sk m, Dv.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:19 PM

What is very heavy going forwards but not backwards?

Ton.

I'll get me coat...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:30 PM

that last joke doesn't work in Hebrew.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.
Everyone loves a tanks giving turkey.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A psychiatrist shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says, “A man and woman making love.”

He shows him another inkblot, and the patient says, "That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychiatrist says, "You're obsessed with sex!”

The patient says, “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:27 PM

Once more-

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:31 PM

Whoops, here's the one I meant to repost-

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.


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