BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Dec 23 - 10:36 AM

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 12:09 PM

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part anthology. Parts A-D are being given away free but you have to fight for your right to part E

I nearly got run over by a Mr Kipling van. Luckily it had exceedingly good brakes

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 10:06 AM

That a good one, Donuel. I have nicked it for future use.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 08:00 AM

A Pagan died on Christmas and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why...

"You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good."

"But "Yule is a solstice celebration observed by Pagans as the second sabbat of the Wheel of the Year, marked with rituals to welcome the return of the Sun and celebration of light before Jews and Christians made up Hannukah and Christmas !"

Peter said : "Forget it, we're in charge now"

The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well - Pagan...When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time...A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 4-star slightly seedy resort...

"Woww!" thinks the Pagan, "Hell isn't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky gets black ...and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth...After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again...

"What in Hell was that?" the Pagan asks Satan...

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Dec 23 - 12:30 PM

I have to go to a winter solstice party at my in-laws later. It's going to be a long night...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 23 - 10:32 AM

@Steve, the article about doorways. Sorry, should have answered when asked.

There has got to be a good solstice joke. I have none...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 10:57 AM

The three wise men on their camels are heading over to Bethlehem. The one at the back is not moving very quickly and seems to be looking down all the time. The leading wise man says, "Melchior, put that bloomin' Sat-Nav away mate, and just follow the star!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 08:20 AM

Then there's the joke about the white horse called Eric...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 09:01 PM

Bloke arrives in pub looking all knackered and dishevelled.

"You all right, mate?" asked the landlord.

"Well yeah, but I've just had the weirdest experience. My car broke down a mile down the road, I was gazing helplessly at my engine wondering what to do, when a horse looked over the fence - and told me how to fix it, and I did! A talking horse!!"

"Oh yeah?" said the landlord without even raising an eyebrow, "And what colour was the horse?"

"Black..."

"You were lucky there. There's a grey horse in that field too, and he knows bugger all about engines..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:56 PM

After his contribution of 20 Oct, I'm almost ready to forgive Don for the rest. Almost.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 12:27 PM

I'm pandering to US sensibilities :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM

Bathroom, Dave. I love it! I'm just off to the pet peeves thread...:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 08:51 AM

I was in a restaurant the other day and the Mrs had gone to the bathroom when the waiter came to take our order.

"Do you know what she is having?" asked the waiter

"Well, judging by the length of time she has been in there, I can guess..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Q. What do you call a hippie's wife?

A. Mississippi.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 12:01 PM

Please take your dismal bad taste elsewhere. You can't make jokes and your "offerings" have no place in this thread, which you are clearly trying to ruin. Shame on you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 11:26 AM

and tired
of the same old editorials.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 08:14 AM

Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 07:26 AM

1970 called, they want Archie Bunker back but he is currently doing time for an insurrection.

Lauran Bobert was caught giving a hand job at Xmas Mass.

Scrawny Ozempic Santa disappointed children.

Trump now claims he will only be a dictator on year one.

Texas charges fetus as an abortion accomplice.

California homeless encampment wants their own State.

Guilliani gets lit before lighting the tree.

Taylor Swift single again. Her new album is called Fuck Travis Kelce

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 07:01 PM

"Article"??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 05:14 PM

I read that article!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 04:42 PM

Sorry about the swearing in the following::

A young novice's first job in her new convent was to keep the birds out of the veg garden. One day, Mother Superior, watching from her upstairs window, to her horror witnessed the young nun waving her arms around shouting "Fuck off, crows!"

She called her into her office and told her, "Now look here, my dear, we don't tolerate that sort of behaviour here."

"So what do I do to get rid of the birds, Mother?"

"You wave your arms and shout 'Shoo, crows!'

THEN they'll fuck off!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 07:44 AM

My doctor told me I had one year to live so I shot him........The judge just gave me fifteen years.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 06:39 PM

Story of my life: one door closes, another one shuts... :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 04:14 PM

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"- George Carlin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:43 PM

> I blame doorways.

How right you are, Mrrzy. I heard of a study once which suggested that humans tend to walk through their own life stories like a film; moving from one room to another causes a scene change, and *that*'s when one forgets why one went through the doorway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 08:39 AM

Don't give up your day job, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 08:22 AM

Mitch McConnel is freezing up so often and his reboot takes so long that he is receiving Norton antiviral treatments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 06:51 AM

If the GOP holds debates in the forest, does Trump hear it?

Jack yells at the office lunch thief, "That is nacho cheese"
The thief said "I think it's Pepper Jack"
Jack yells louder "That is NOT YOUR CHEESE"

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Dec 23 - 11:05 AM

Ah, those "hereafter" moments...

As in, what am I here after? when entering the room you went to FOR A REASON which has now skittered out of your mind like a mouse.

I blame doorways.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Dec 23 - 11:11 AM

Getting old involves the change from "Did I forget something?" to "What did I forget?" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Dec 23 - 09:41 AM

Meanwhile, back at the ageist jokes:

Growing up is the transition between thinking "Whoopee! an hour's extra partying" when the clocks go back, and instead thinking "Whoopee! an hour's extra sleep".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM

Excellent New Yorker cartoon!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:31 PM

Heheh. They should have gone to my very favourite Italian restaurant, which is in Bath. It's called Sotto Sotto. No kidding! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 10:53 AM

Yo-yo Ma and Buotros Boutros Ghali go out for lunch at a restaurant in New York. The waiter comes to take their order. "I'll have the mahi-mahi." says Yo-yo.

The waiter then turns to Boutros Boutros, "And Your Excellency?"

In response, he asks, "How's the couscous?"

The waiter replies, "So-so."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 04:40 AM

You know you are old when "forward planning" means not buying green bananas.

Sorry, you're probably sick of these by now...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 08:49 PM

Well plenty of posts, but the 4th has been a joke-free zone. So:

A bloke is seriously ill in a hospital bed, wired up to all sorts of machines and wearing an oxygen mask.

A young nurse pops her head round the door to make sure he's ok, but. he waves his hand to her and calls her in. He asks her, "Please can you tell me if my testicles are black?"

She's somewhat taken aback and she replies that that isn't part of her duties. "Please, nurse, I'm desperate to know!"

Reluctantly she folds back his bedsheets and gently takes down his pj bottoms. Carefully, she eases his "old man" to one side and caresses his testicles.

"Well, everything's fine down there," she reassures him, and replaces his sheets and pj bottoms.

He takes off his oxygen mask momentarily and says, "Thank you, nurse, that was just lovely. But now can you tell me if my test results are back?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 03:13 PM

You know you are old when you are frightened by a current photo of Mary Lou Retton.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 02:50 PM

You Know You're Old When... Your favorite topic is criticism.
...when you have over 10 words you can no longer say in public.
...when you only have a landline.
...when a simple fall is a life-threatening event.


40's
You Know You Are Old When...
You know you are 40 when you've been there and done that, but don't remember what that was.

You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.

You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.

You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.

You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

You know you are old when you are too old to learn new tricks but your old tricks work just as well.

You Know You Are Old When...
50's
You know you are 50 when you knew when the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you are old when you go to the beach and turn a wonderful color: Blue. It's from holding your stomach in.

You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are old when you tell people you are retro.

You Know You Are Old When...
60's
You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are old when you're told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

You know you are 60 years old when you eat supper at 5 p.m.

You Know You Are Old When...
70's
You don't care if you lose a cell phone.

You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.

You Know You Are Old When...
80's
You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

You know you are 80 when your staying power is for the cake.

You Know You Are Old When...
90's
You know you are old when kidnappers aren't very interested in you.

You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You Know You Are Old When...
100's
You know you are old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are old when you are too old to care.

You know you are 100 years old when you see expensive antiques and you remember one just like it that you threw away.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 11:20 AM

"Jokes are for people who have no personal concept of a sense of humor."

That is your best joke Donuel.

Sense of humour. Great sense of humour. We don't all find the same things funnny.

You of all people must already know that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 11:07 AM

Because he likes to troll.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 08:38 AM

Since you find jokes so far beneath your highly evolved sense of humor WTF are you doing on a JOKE THREAD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 07:46 AM

Jokes are for people who have no personal concept of a sense of humor.
Jokes are a poor replacement to fill that void.
A man who understands this best is Albert Brooks.
(Albert's original name was Albert Einstein.)
Got any sense of humor, Steve?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

Just the one, just the one. Got any jokes, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 06:03 AM

How many narcissists does it take to mangle a simple light bulb joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 05:53 AM

How Many Narcissists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?;

“How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?”
None, they use gaslighting.

One… they hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them…

None, they think their "shining light" is enough for the world.

Light bulb? Everybody knows that isn't a light bulb. And even if it was, it wouldn't need changing. Anyone can see the lighting in here is great. You need to get your eyes checked.

None because we do it for them and then hear about how we did it wrong.

Light bulb? Oh, you mean it’s still not working?

What light bulb?

None, they don't know how to change a bulb, only how to shine it on themselves.

None, they prefer to keep things in the dark anyway.

They just get you to change it and then convince you that they did.

None, because it is all your fault that the light bulb went out.

Depends on who's watching.

None, because they find a source to do everything.

It's not my responsibility.

None. It's someone else's job so they can moan at them later when the bulb ultimately blows again.

They don’t need to change the bulb. It’s not broken. What’s wrong with you? Why would you think that?

It wasn't me.

None. They will leave it for you to do and then complain about how you did it wrong.

Well, I didn’t do it. I think you are imagining it. That bulb isn’t broken. It works just fine. But if it’s dark in the room is really all your fault! And why do you have to be so sensitive. Geez, it’s only a light bulb. I was just kidding you stupid git.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 01:19 PM

Wot?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 06:06 AM

Steve... did you mean a lgihtblub?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 04:46 AM

How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Dec 23 - 05:45 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac??    Stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and conversation. She replied 'No' So I told her we should have a long chat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Dec 23 - 02:07 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?