BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM

.... and another:

Notice on the door of a university Music Department:

    Door sticks, please wiggle Handel

.... with this scrawled underneath:

    If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:19 AM

Just off to the supermarket. I have my Chopin Liszt. I'll be Bach in a fugue minuets...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:47 AM

All these are repeats. Repeating yourself is a symptom, you do need a check-up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:51 AM

Admonishing others is also a symptom....usually one of low self esteem.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:54 AM

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. An animal Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

In a sense, nearly all jokes are repeats after a fashion. Genuine joke-inventors are rare beasts, so we have to resort to mass-borrowings. Unfortunately, not only can Donuel not invent jokes (like the rest of us I suppose, though most of us, unlike him, have the sense not to try), he doesn't know what a joke is. Dictionaries are available. Here's another of my oft-repeated Tim Vine ones:

I was on the Big Dipper on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears. It was an emotional roller-coaster...

Another thing that I like about jokes is that they gradually change in the telling down the years. They undergo a joke folk-process!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:24 AM

Do you mean Steve suffers from low self-esteem?
Steve quotes:
Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you.
Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread.
You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot.


Then I will repeat my originals. But I won't google...Momma, why is my sister such smartie pants?
Well dear, On the sixth day, God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break, and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like a woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam.

Timmy's mom said, "That's why girls are smarter than boys". Timmy said I never knew that. Mom said "Exactly"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:45 AM

I'll risk even lower esteem by informing you that that isn't a joke.

Here's a proper joke, another Tim one:

"My Christmas decorations are all inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:48 AM

And why don't you start (yet another) new thread? It could be entitled "Donuel's thread of non-googled jokes". Go on, give us a laugh! (Oh, the irony...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 03:15 PM

The lad serving us at the fast food takeaway on Saturday insisted that he was from Tolkein's Middle Earth

Yea. There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvish

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

A slightly rude googled one:

A woman had a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £10,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the chap, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to buy some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly replies, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I'll be able to tell you exactly how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 03:44 PM

I just discovered that my electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 09:07 PM

Two Flutes walk into a bar. One says to the other "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night". The other one replied "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 06:43 PM

Every morning I used to walk my cow in the vineyard.

Yes. I herd it through the grapevine.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 07:30 PM

...herd it through the bovine?

Why do cows have hooves instead of proper feet?

Because they lactose...

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Super Bowl Predictions
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:15 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:17 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM

I've sold all my body parts in order to feed my gambling addiction. Maybe I should quit while I'm still a head...

My wife can't help skipping through flowery meadows. I think she has a gambolling addiction...

Someone's been spreading rumours that I have a gambling addiction. I'm not sure who it is, but my money's on George...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 09:09 AM

I had a bad addiction to gambling so I went to 'Gamblers anonymous'. Now I'm a little better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:21 AM

'The thing about land mines is that they're easy to install, but with a hair trigger they're very dangerous, deadly and expensive to remove' - the perfect description of Republican candidates.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:40 AM

Jokes, puns, epigrams, aphorisms, bon mots, all welcome in this thread. There are threads for other stuff.


A policemen pulled a driver over on a quiet country road.

"Sir, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?"

"Oh, thank God! I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 11:59 AM

...And the punchline is...?

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a woman who helps to deliver babies!"

"Don't worry, sir. You're just going through a midwife crisis..."


I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was delivered the midwife slapped my mother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM

I believe you are unhappy. I have given no cause for offense.
Putting a finer point on things is not only kosher
it is required by finer minds.

What would satisfy the mad narcissist beast?
Do you need some sort of egotistical feast?
I daresay you have eaten enough
All I have is a deserved rebuff
Voila and for dessert
You are quite berserk

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 02:22 PM

I've been coming to Mudcat for many a year.
On the Joke thread son occasions my jokes will appear.
Some are quite funny, a few are naff.
Some even make the odd member laugh.
One persons jokes draw no smile or no grin.
In fact his presence is wearing quite thin.
His name of course, I will not tell .
But it may well rhyme...his....name ........is......?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM

William Tell? George Szell? Tom Bell? Gwynne (Nell)? Jacques Brel? Go on, Georgiansilver - I give up! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:05 PM

Now that is authentic with spirit.
we have no reason to fear it
whenever we compose
in rhyme or in prose
the truth that is told
is explicit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 07:19 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and fugue in D minor

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 08:26 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious!
Did Father Ignatius
Forget that the bishop has piles?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:42 AM

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire,
Without any pampshire,
Till the Bishop insisted he walisbury






For those who fail to understand the shortened version of Salisbury and Hampshire will give you the answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM

A gorgeous young lady from Exeter
Had all the young men crane their necks at 'er
But one was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM

A lovely young girl from Australia
Painted her arse with a dahlia
The colours were fine
As was the design
But the fragrance, alas, was a failure

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

A clever old hooker named Gail
Was tattooed with her prices for tail.
   And on her behind,
   For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.

(I told that in a group at a music gathering once, and there was a loud snort from behind be where our blind member had been listening.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:05 AM

Three old ladies were riding on a bus...
One said, "Windy today, isn't it?"
The second replied, "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."
The third said, "I'm thirsty, too. Let's get off and have a Coke."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

A husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years his wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator and goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:08 AM

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
   But the good ones I've seen,
   So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:05 AM

There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry just wouldn't scan,
When asked as to why,
He said in reply,
It's because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:22 AM

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who'd lifted her nightie
'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 12:04 PM

The artist felt joy in creating
but fans were often debating
if the forms that were made
were by brush or by blade
"They were done by nude procreating".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 01:05 PM

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Eloped with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 02:01 PM

Airplanes and boats go down
They die by fire or drown
But automobile's
Achilles heel
are cars, cliffs and the ground

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:18 PM

Grade E- for that last one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 04:06 AM

There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice
‘Twas the common belief
It was done for relief
And not out of protestant malice


There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 05:44 AM

Donuel, do you have to air out your grievances in this thread, I come here looking for a laugh, not to witness petty squabbles. P.M. a moderator or something. Please.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:19 AM

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said "It's disgusting
But it only needs dusting"
And think of the money I'll save"

There was a young man from Peel Green
Who invented a wanking machine
On the 99th stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his poor bollocks to cream

Now we have sunk to rock bottom, we can only gety better :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:27 AM

Dozens of your posts in this thread, Donuel, but just a single joke. But we're managing despite you.

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets, Tat, Nat and Pat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

There once was a lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
Then a man came along,
And unless I am wrong,
You were hoping this line would be lewd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 07:10 AM

What we say no to in life is as important as what we say yes to.
Thw liars culture of yours, stevie, is the same as people who verbally attacked 82 year old Paul Pelosi, or the petroleum industry who we expect to lie, that they are the only stable answer to energy needs. The liars culture now includes deep fakes. Defending against fakes is proving too difficult so an asterisk is given what can be proved real.
For people like you who have no respect for people except yourself are aiding and abetting the liars culture. Next I will give examples of your words even if it is anachronistic. Taking a stand against lies is a noble cause in this day and age no matter how small or large. You could regret that your deepest secret might be divulged but I do not engage in extortion. The truth is, I liked the gilly limerick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 01:07 PM

I haven't got any secrets. I must say, gillymor, that "Bude" is almost as fertile ground as "Nantucket" when it comes to limericks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:58 PM

Well, if it's limericks you want...