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BS: Joke thread for 2023

Steve Shaw 02 Apr 23 - 05:50 AM
Dave the Gnome 27 Mar 23 - 05:39 PM
Bill D 27 Mar 23 - 04:46 PM
Steve Shaw 27 Mar 23 - 08:05 AM
Steve Shaw 26 Mar 23 - 07:16 PM
MudGuard 26 Mar 23 - 01:51 PM
Dave the Gnome 26 Mar 23 - 01:11 PM
MudGuard 26 Mar 23 - 12:11 PM
Dave the Gnome 26 Mar 23 - 09:50 AM
MudGuard 26 Mar 23 - 06:48 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 08:33 PM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 05:13 PM
Stanron 25 Mar 23 - 05:04 PM
MudGuard 25 Mar 23 - 04:06 PM
Mrrzy 25 Mar 23 - 02:54 PM
Dave the Gnome 25 Mar 23 - 12:02 PM
Dave the Gnome 25 Mar 23 - 11:59 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 09:41 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 09:35 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 09:27 AM
Dave the Gnome 25 Mar 23 - 09:22 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 09:18 AM
Doug Chadwick 25 Mar 23 - 07:51 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Mar 23 - 07:05 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Mar 23 - 07:32 PM
Doug Chadwick 24 Mar 23 - 04:41 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Mar 23 - 02:06 PM
Doug Chadwick 24 Mar 23 - 01:33 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 23 - 07:19 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 23 - 07:10 PM
Dave the Gnome 22 Mar 23 - 06:59 PM
Steve Shaw 22 Mar 23 - 04:39 PM
Dave the Gnome 22 Mar 23 - 03:21 PM
Dave the Gnome 22 Mar 23 - 03:19 PM
Dave the Gnome 22 Mar 23 - 03:06 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 23 - 09:47 PM
Donuel 21 Mar 23 - 08:26 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 23 - 07:57 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 23 - 07:38 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 23 - 07:03 PM
Dave the Gnome 21 Mar 23 - 05:16 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 23 - 05:01 PM
Dave the Gnome 21 Mar 23 - 04:42 PM
Donuel 21 Mar 23 - 04:13 PM
MudGuard 21 Mar 23 - 04:03 PM
Steve Shaw 21 Mar 23 - 10:27 AM
Donuel 21 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM
gillymor 21 Mar 23 - 09:14 AM
Donuel 21 Mar 23 - 08:49 AM
gillymor 21 Mar 23 - 07:29 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 05:50 AM

Adapted from something I've just heard on Broadcasting House:

I don't use innuendos much, but occasionally I do like to slip one in...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Mar 23 - 05:39 PM

There was the Dickens story about a prostitute

The sale of two titties


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Mar 23 - 04:46 PM

"Great Scott, I've forgotten who wrote Ivanhoe!"
"I'll tell you that if you tell me who the dickens wrote The Tale of Two Cities."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Mar 23 - 08:05 AM

A chap went for a job on a building site. He was doing really well on the trial tasks that the foreman set him. The foreman said, “I just need to ask you one theory question - get it right, job’s yours. What’s the difference between a girder and a joist?”

"That's a funny question to ask a builder," said the chap, "but anyway, the answer is that Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses”.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 07:16 PM

Yorkshireman went into a pub and saw a sign which said "All drinks 10p all night!"

He couldn't believe his luck. He filled his boots and hadn't even spent a quid!

Finally, he asked the publican, in a slurred voice, how come he could afford to sell drinks so cheaply.

"Well," the publican replied, "for years I struggled to keep the pub afloat, but always saw the role I had in supporting the community, so I kept going as best I could. Then, last month, I won £25 million on the lottery. That was my opportunity to put something back, hence the 10p drinks!"

"Blimey, that's a great story," said the Yorkshireman. "But I can't help noticing that bunch of blokes at the other end of the bar who haven't bought a drink all night!"

"Ah yes," replied the publican, "They're all Yorkshiremen who are waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks will be half-price..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 01:51 PM

the designer should have known about the "St" -> "Saint" thing - as in German, the equivalent of "Saint", i.e. Sankt", is also abbreviated "St" ...

I once had a boss who always used two letters for the abbreviation of his first name instead of the usual one - his first name is "Stefan" (Stephen) ...

When we (his "slaves") talked about him we only spoke of "the holy >lastname<" (won't use the real name for data protection reasons ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 01:11 PM

True story. I was in a bar in Stuttgart when a lady started to vacuum the floor. When she saw me she looked mortified, turned off the vacuum cleaner and said something I didn't understand in German. I explained I wax English and she apologised, in very good English, for disturbing me. I laughed it off and said it was no problem as I had been married for 30 years and was used to it.

Well, she cracked off laughing like I thought she would fall over. Not only that she brought a man over, presumably her partner, and, on telling him, he roared with laughter too. I was only in for a quick drink while I wandered round so when I had finished I went to pay but she would not let me. When I left she was still giggling. I don't know if the joke was on me but I was more than happy to brighten someone's day :-)

The other thing that tickled me in Stuttgart was that in the town centre there was a paved display showing a list of towns with names beginning "ST'. The English ones were Stockport and St. Helens. I suspect the designer did not know that St. is the abbreviation for Saint! Funnily enough I know someone who always refers to Stockport as Saint Ockport:-D


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 12:11 PM

yes, in German we also have them.

I try to understand the English ones which is not easy for a non-native speaker - sometimes I am successful *), sometimes I need a push in the right direction.



*) maybe I then laugh at something completely different than was intended by the joke because I misunderstand it ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 09:50 AM

There are a few dialect jokes, Andy. I expect it is the same in German?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 06:48 AM

thanks for the explanations - now I can see hear the similarity.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 08:33 PM

Yorkshireman teks 'is dog to the vet: "Me dog has swallowed a condom, can yer do owt?"

"Leave him with me and come back in a few hours" says the vet.

Half an hour later the vet's phone rings: "Don't worry about t'condom," says the Yorkshireman. "The wife's found another in t'medicine cabinet."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 05:13 PM

But in Yorkshire you might pronounce "eating carrots" as "eightin' carrots." I know, it's a reet bugger when tha's ter explain tha jokes...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Stanron
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 05:04 PM

eating = 18 in a Yorkshire dialect. They are homophones.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 04:06 PM

could someone please explain the 18carats vs toffee and the 18carats vs chewing bone to a non-native English/Yorkish speaker?

I can't figure out these two (the ice-cream one I could figure out ...)

Thanks in advance
Andreas a/k/a Andy a/k/a MudGuard


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 02:54 PM

Guffaw!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 12:02 PM

I think it was one of Stephen Fry's. Better spoken that written but hey ho

I was walking through the meadow and stooped to pick a buttercup

I have no idea why anyone would leave a buttock in the meadow...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 11:59 AM

My mate Mike once told me his wife should be on the plane by now. I asked where she was going and he said nowhere, she is hanging a door.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:41 AM

Yorkshireman went into the jewellers. He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you sir?"

"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer gold rings."

"Yes sir, wedding or engagement?"

"Weddin', tha knows," he said, chewing constantly.

"Eighteen carats?" said the girl.

"Nay lass," he said. "It's toffee an' I've gorrit stuck in me teeth."


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:35 AM

A Yorkshire couple were playing 'I spy' in t'kitchen.

"I spy wi' my little eye summat beginning wi' T," said the husband.

"Teapot." said the wife. "Nay Lass!"

"Tea towel." "Nay Lass!"

"Toaster." "Nay Lass!"

"Oh I don't know," she said at long last, "I give in."

"'It's easy," he said. "It's t'oven!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:27 AM

You probably don't want me to tell that Yorkshireman/omelette one again, do you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:22 AM

Yorkshire mottos

Hear all, see all, say nowt
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
If tha' does owt for nowt, do it fer thysen


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:18 AM

Heheh!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 07:51 AM

A man was visiting Westminster Abbey when he saw a telephone on the wall with a sign next to it saying "Direct line to God:- £50 per minute".

Sometime later, he went to St. Peter's in Rome where he again saw a telephone with a sign that said "Direct line to God:- 75€ per minute".

Next, he went to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York where there was a telephone with a sign saying "Direct line to God:- $100 per minute".

Then he went to York Minster where he found a telephone with a sign that said "Direct line to God:- 50p per minute". Puzzled, he asked one of the clergymen:
"Why is your direct line to God so much cheaper than in London, Rome and New York?
Back came the reply:
"You're in Yorkshire now. It's a local call from here".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 07:05 AM

Yorkshireman goes into the chemists and says to the chap, "Does tha sell arse cream?"

"Certainly, sir. Magnum or Cornetto?"



Yorkshire farmer comes across a bloke bending down to drink out of his pond.

He calls out to him, "Eyup, lad, don't drink out o' there - it's full o' cow shit an' 'orse piss!"

"Sorry," says the bloke in a very posh accent, "I happen to be from London and I didn't quite catch that. Can you say it again more slowly?"

"Aye, all reet, lad. Cup...both...your...hands...together...then...you...won't...spill...so...much...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 07:32 PM

Wasn't Robert Mugabe a closet Yorkshireman? After all, his surname in reverse was Ebagum...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 04:41 PM

There's a trend developing in the night clubs of Leeds, Sheffield and other large Yorkshire cities, of taking ecstacy by inserting it inside the upper or lower lip. It's known as E by gum.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 02:06 PM

How do you tell that a Yorkshireman's dyslexic?


He'll be wearing a cat flap on his head.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 01:33 PM

Then there was the Yorkshire gym where the instructor in an exercise class gave the command:
    "Hands on thighs!"
and the whole group clasped their hands to their faces.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 07:19 PM

A Yorkshireman is distraught at the death of his beloved dog. He goes to a goldsmith and asks, "If I show thee a photo, canst tha mek us a gold statue of me dog?"

Jeweller: "Yes, I think that would be OK. Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Nah, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 07:10 PM

Aye, cracking Yorkshire one. Reminds me of the Yorkshireman who went to the vet about his cat.

"Canst tek a look at me cat, vetnery? 'E's not bin that good lately..."

"Certainly sir. Is your cat a tom?"

"Nay, yer daft bugger. Can't tha see that I've browt it wi' me?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 06:59 PM

Reminds me of the monumental Mason who misspelled "She was Thine" as "She was Thin". When her bereaved family complained that it should have an "E" he re-carved it

E She was Thin


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 04:39 PM

I got it first time, Dave! Glad you didn't put an accidental s on the end though... ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:21 PM

The first one's eyes were both the same size :-D


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:19 PM

It would have helped spelling Iain correctly!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:06 PM

My friend iain has one eye bigger than the other


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 09:47 PM

I am Steve, Stephen to some, and I frequently speak of my wife, Mrs Steve. You are Donuel "X" (or possibly not "Donuel" at all?), so how would I know whether you are a boy/girl/other gender? Some on here I know because of their name, others I've teased out one way or another down the years. A few I know not and I don't care to poke around to find out. Let me know if you like but no pressure. It's entirely in your hands. And worry not, for after all, shall there be womanly times or shall we die?


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 08:26 PM

Do you mock me sir, and question my sexuality?
I will not be mocked.

an American blast from the past.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:57 PM

These may have come up before. Three Tim Vine specials:

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays..."

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

A one-armed waiter - he could dish it out but he couldn't take it...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:38 PM

Can't do that, Dave, because all my jokes are nicked. Unlike Donuel, I'm not clever enough to make up my own.

(That was a joke, by the way!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:03 PM

Sorry about the missing capitals, MudGuard!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 05:16 PM

We just don't want to encourage you to leave us for the comedy circuit Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 05:01 PM

I have an immovable golden rule, mudguard. I never, repeat never, post anything that makes me tense or miserable. Donuel is a strange and inadequate man (at least I think he's a man, but you never know these days) who loves to troll, but I'm impenetrable. He is not, unfortunately. Must be those early-day mushrooms of his. If you're not as entertained by our back-and-forths as I am, then I can only repeat what I said this morning to BWM: you have choices! And this IS a joke thread...

I get told off for shouting quietly at people with their non-jokes, but I never get praised for my jokes. Ho hum.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:42 PM

Pavlova's dog. Every time you ring a bell it eats a raspberry meringue

Mudguard, I'm not going to get into an argument but you need to go right back to the start of the thread. Who started it, what was the intention and who first crapped on it!?! I know there are differences in senses of humour but some of the 'jokes' are simply not jokes at all :-( If people simply stuck to the idea there would not be a problem.

BTW. I just got a refund for my broken ebike so hope to order another this week. Not a joke in itself but reminded me...

Lad goes into a shop and asks for a bar of green soap. Sorry son, the shopkeeper says, we only have red soap. It's OK says the lad. I'm on my bike.

Good example of a joke that I found hilarious as a youngster. Still raises a chuckle. I suspect Steve will get it but others may not!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:13 PM

Its all about high school all the time or a masculinity challenge.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:03 PM

Steve, are you a victim of Iwan Pawlow?

Just thought so ...

Whenever the bell rings Donuel posts something your saliva starts flowing you write "not funny" or "no joke".


Btw, I find the private war between Steve and Donuel rather boring ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 10:27 AM

I'm not sure that telling someone they belong in Broadmore [sic] is "good fun." Doubtless you will, as ever, pretend that we don't understand your sense of humour.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM

Its all in good fun except Steve is a bad PUN ...poor unfortunate nut.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 09:14 AM

ouch!


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 08:49 AM

You belong in Broadmore.


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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:29 AM

I guess he doesn't get enough attention in other threads so he has to troll this one.


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