BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:13 AM

I start this thread with trepidation.

Call me Mr Control Freak, but I have a very strict rule for this thread.

Are you listening?

Ahem... here it is...

THIS IS A JOKE THREAD (Glad I got that off my chest...)

I went to the doc on Thursday. He told me he had good news and bad news.

"The good news is that your test results tell me that you still have 48 hours to live."

"No! That's good news? So what's the bad news, Doc?"

"I forgot to tell you this when I saw you on Tuesday..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:25 AM

You're a control freak. Pissing into the wind.
Now how are you going to enforce your peccadilloes ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:41 AM

Hmm.. That seems to imply that you don't know what "peccadillo" means... Now stop your snarling and tell us a joke!

Did you hear about the chameleon who forgot how to change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 02:34 PM

What was Steven Hawking's last words?

The windows xp log out sound

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 03:05 PM

Hmm. Didn't take long for my well-meaning thread to be hijacked by a pair of humourless tossers, did it?

Anyway, ploughing on...

Doctor, doctor! I've got a lettuce stuck up me bum!

Hmm, lessee... Well, I can see it's just the tip of the iceberg...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 06:03 PM

Strictly for Brit humour, especially if you're a scouser, doubly especially if you're a Liverpool fan:

A wayside pulpit outside a local church in Liverpool, in the late 1960s:

'Jesus Saves!'

Some wag wrote below it, 'St John knocks in the rebound'...

Another one said, 'What will you do when Jesus returns?' Someone added 'Move St. John to inside right!'

[For the non-cognoscenti, you poor things, Ian St John was a legendary Liverpool goal-scorer in the sixties]

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 05:57 AM

Are peccadilloes them little flutes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 06:48 AM

Seasonal and possibly repeated jokes

How does good king Wenceleslas like his pizza?

Deep pan. Crisp and even.


Bethehem- the first Noel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 08:54 AM

> Are peccadilloes them little flutes?

NO, it is a place in London ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 08:58 AM

It's a long way to...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM

My seven-year-old grandson got a kids' joke book for Christmas. He just told me this one:

"Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Because his mother threw a refrigerator at him."

I think I'll avoid any further books from that publisher!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 10:03 AM

Isn't the place in London piccalilli?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 11:41 AM

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 11:58 AM

Ha, brilliant!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 12:08 PM

When I saw the pope I thought he was blessing us. He was actually gesticulating as he shouted "Oy, you down there. Get the fuck off my lawn!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 07:50 AM

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.captaincoon.dog.simulator&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 With apps to translate dog speech most breeds share small talk but breeds like poodles and border collies have been heard saying things like "It's not enough for dogs to win, cats must lose".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 08:15 AM

2.6 rating over 11K reviews, looks like your barking up the wrong tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 09:00 AM

As ever. Always tell us a joke!

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a small bucket!"

"Hmm. Well you are a little pale..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a small bucket!"

"Hmm. Well in your case you are full of shit..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 01:03 PM

23 being prime...

Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one" or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM

You're a right bloody pair of jokers all right but all you're doing is trying to derail what should be a light-hearted thread. Neither of you know a joke from a bull's foot. So what's new.

Anyway.

The teacher said, "Now, Jimmy, I want you to tell me a sentence beginning with the letter 'I.'"

"OK, Miss. I is..."

"No, no, Jimmy! You must say 'I am...!'"

"OK, Miss. 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet...'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 07:14 PM

The teacher was telling her infant class about the garden of Eden and the first man and woman.

"Now, children, I've told you the story. So who can remember the name of the first man?"

A hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

"Very good! Now can anyone remember the name of the first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along! We only did this yesterday!"

Silence.

"All right, I'll give you a clue. Now do you remember what I told you about the first woman and the apple? So what was the woman's name?"

A hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 23 - 07:37 AM

Core blimey, kid musta been the apple of her eye

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:44 AM

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM

News came in fresh this morning that 5 cliff walkers had all fallen to their deaths. Strange at they all had the same name!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 08:48 AM

GS - :-D I'm pinching that!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 09:22 AM

"What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time Jonathan Ross was interviewing The Edge from U2 on the telly. He started by asking him if it was all right if he called him "The..." :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 12:07 PM

Dave the Gnome... you
are welcome.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 12:11 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 01:49 PM

Stevie Wonder challenges Tiger Woods to a round of golf.

OK, says Tiger. How about Augusta, next Tuesday. What time suits you?

Midnight replies Stevie...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 03:26 PM

The menu said breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 04:00 PM

As a response to the epic failure of Kevin McCarthy it was said today "When a person sells their soul it is prudent to know if there is a buyer". It turns out no one was buying it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 04:37 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 06:07 PM

The descent into dementia begins with confusion and an inability to discern wit from an elementary punchline.

My mom said live your dreams so I took an exam that I didn't study for naked.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 06:39 PM

Do try to keep your bitterness and crassness out of a light-hearted joke thread. Just tell us a joke for a change.

A woman in the labour ward suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the midwife. “Those are just contractions.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:50 PM

YES SIR, HAPPY NEW YEAR SIR, BUT I SEE BM'S are on my screen, not in the latrine.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:55 PM

I don't know what "BMs" are but I do know that the apostrophe you provided didn't belong. So was that the germ of a joke or am I clutching at straws?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 08:04 PM

A doctor complained to his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”

Two weeks later, he got home unexpectedly early, to find her shagging his practice partner.

“What the hell is going on here?!” he raged.

“Just getting a second opinion,” she replied...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 09:23 PM

Ode to a washed up curmudgeon.

Some things are more than obvious.
There are but two in his audience.
Him and his missus who dismisses
his tired expired licenses
But at night she reminisces
when he imagined his eminence.
Now, only a deluded narcissist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:05 AM

Only a washed-up curmudgeon can keep coming to a light-hearted joke thread, never tell a joke but persistently try to drown the thread with dreary nonsense.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hey, did you know that they're a drink named after you?"

"Really?"said the grasshopper, "There's a drink called Stan?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:24 AM

(lol, Mrrzy)

Can't we keep this thread just about the jokes, fellas.

"Since when do you wear an ear ring?"

"Since my wife found it in the back seat of the car."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

I'm trying bloody hard, aren't I, gillymor. But the best he can do is to come up with his narcissistic doggerel in not one but two threads! I suppose the joke could be that he thinks he's a poet...

Two blokes are out hunting when one of them suddenly collapses and stops breathing, his eyes glazed over. His friend rings the emergency number.

"Please help me! It's my friend - he collapsed and I think it's too late - he looks dead!"

"Now calm down, sir. First of all let's be sure that he is actually dead..."

Silence, followed by the sound of a shot. He goes back to his phone.

"OK, now what?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 06:52 AM

Steve is as light hearted as cat scratch fever and all the dad jokes in the world won't lift his pinched virulent viewpoint.like roses are red violets are blue thought I had covid it was only the flu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 07:01 AM

'Ave a word, gilly... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 07:56 AM

Steve, tell a joke already. You are the one who started this thread with "dreary nonsense" after all.

Another funny Steve quote:

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 08:33 AM

What would be justice for Donald Trump??? I say DO NOT LOCK HIM UP.
Instead turn all of his golf courses into housing for poor immigrants, homeless and minorities.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 09:38 AM

Well, Mrrzy, neither you nor your fellow compatriot troll (what else do we call a man who serially tries to undermine and sour a lighthearted thread for his own perverted reasons...) has managed to raise even the faintest titter so far in this thread. As for me, I'm trying to stick a joke into every post. It would be nice if that's all I had to do, frankly.

Anyhoo...

Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of trainers and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed his friend, "We can’t outrun that bear, even with running shoes!”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 09:40 AM

By the way, the quote you ascribed to me has nothing to do with me. Never post before coffee is my advice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 04:25 PM

Someone lol'd me, dude.

And no, that was from a funny Steve.

If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 04:56 PM

ICBM's are Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
Those things that made total war too expensive to wage/

IT KEPT THE PEACE for 50 years or so AT GREAT EXPENSE until a bomb smaller than an atom is devised that will leave no debris radiation or damage and only erase life. For that we have climate change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:01 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM

I broke my leg and it was in plaster from top to bottom. My mate came to see me, and asked if he could sign my plaster.

He grabbed a felt-tip pen and wrote "get a life, you stupid bastard!" on my plaster.

"What do you think you're doing!" I shouted.

He replied, "I'm just adding insult to injury..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Jan 23 - 07:41 AM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 23 - 03:33 PM

I went to see the doctor again. He told me that the problem was that I have hypochondria.

I sighed and said, "Well I might as well have - I've got everything else..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 08:03 AM

Steve.... I looked through a medical book and realised that Hypochondria was the only thing I don't have.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 08:07 AM

I'm a hyperchondriac. I'm *fine* thankyouverymuch.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM

The doctor told me that I had hypochondria.

"No, I don't accept that!" I shouted, "I want a fifteenth opinion!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 12:16 PM

I'm hypochondric.

My tombstone will say "I told you I was ill!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 12:33 PM

The doctor said to me, "Good news! You're not a hypochondriac after all! You really ARE dying!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 12:49 PM

The doc spotted Bob the hypochondriac in the waiting room. 'Not again, Bob,' said the overworked GP. 'You were only here on Monday afternoon, and now here again on Wednesday morning?'

'Couldn’t come yesterday though,' replied Bob, 'I was ill.'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM

Why is it no fun to tell a hypochondriac a joke?

Because they've think they got it, but they haven't got it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 05:45 PM

> "I told you I was ill!"

Spike Milligan's tombstone, at his own request, bore "I told them I was ill". They had to translate it into (I *think*) Gaelic to sneak it past the Church Commissioners.

Thinking of which: I once saw the following on a church entrance (in Norfolk iirc), with a note that this also was at the instigator's request:

Here lie I by the churchyard door
Here lie I because I'm poor
The further in the more you pay
Here lie I as warm as they

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 23 - 06:28 PM

One of the grimmest gravestone inscriptions I know of is the one on the grave of Jim (whose surname I forget) who was the landlord of the Bush Inn in Morwenstow, Cornwall. The grave is in the Morwenstow churchyard. It reads:

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead

(from a poem by WH Auden)

Jim died some time in the 1990s. We knew him and his partner Beryl quite well. A more severe pair of sourpusses you've never met. One summer's evening Mrs Steve and I drove to the pub, looking forward to a pleasant bar meal, which the pub was noted for. When we arrived, we found all the doors locked and Jim strolling around outside. To my polite enquiry as to the prospect of our obtaining a drink and a meal, he told me that he wasn't opening. He didn't feel like it. He couldn't be bothered. Tails between legs, we made our way home, stopping at the chippy in Kilkhampton.

Seems that the tone of his epitaph was in keeping with his character...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 06:21 AM

Fresh off the press:

Maia Gulpa: the old woman who swallowed a fly.

I'll go finish getting the washing muddy while hanging it up to dry ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 06:41 AM

God, man, pale yellow and tiny on a white background. Some of us struggle even with reading glasses, you know!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:12 AM

pale yellow and tiny on a white background

Select the text, as if you were going to copy it, and it becomes black on a blue background.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:18 AM

That didn't work, Doug...

Who's that other fellow that does that? Gargoyle?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:51 AM

Worked for me but it was white on a blue background. Device or browser dependant maybe?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:00 AM

A quick and easy espionage tool used to be to use an image background and put a text layer in its most pale setting then the receiver of the image would open the image in photoshop and go to maximum contrast.
By a similar process, you can also make subliminal messages.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:38 AM

Stop, you're killing me, sides are splitting, coffee spewing from both nostrils, ROTFLMFASO!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:51 AM

Have you got more than one arse, gilly? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:05 AM

That was me adding an abbreviated F-bomb for emphasis, Don is such a funny guy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM

As it seems to yield dischuff or distress (or misidentification), I'll try to limit further low-contrasting to slow-release punchlines.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 11:43 AM

As a kid when the doorbell rang we smiled and cheered "it's company".
Now when there is a knock we say "who the fuck is that" to our dismay

As a kid we saw at the carnival the big and fat tattooed man or lady.
Now almost everyone at the Mall looks fat tattooed and lazy.

As a kid Getty was dead but there were still Vanderbilts and Rockefellers.
Now since they don't pay taxes a billionaire might be any random fellow.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 04:07 PM

...And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:44 PM

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two...



I married a tennis player, but we soon divorced. It was clear that, to her, love meant nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:10 PM

A man with dyslexia walked into a bra.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:50 PM

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 04:15 AM

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIEIE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 04:42 AM

Lysdexia lures KO!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 06:18 AM

Legible NHS doctor's notes;
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
10. She is numb from her toes down.
11. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
12. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM

An elderly man has been released from the hospital to spend his final
days at home with his beloved wife. He's lying in bed when he smells the
aroma of his favorite home made cookies. Despite his frail condition, he
manages to get out of bed and make his way to the kitchen. Seeing a
plate of freshly baked cookies, he reaches out a trembling hand to get
one when his wife smacks him on the wrist with a spatula, saying "Put
that back! Those are for the funeral."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 08:11 AM

I am CDO.

That is OCD but with the letters in their proper order.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 08:44 AM

If life is giving you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 10:00 AM

Montgomery County saved thousands of dollars in special education by deciding dyslexia does not exist.
Like wise Turkey's government science advisors saved millions in Earthquake preparedness by deciding to move the earthquake fault.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM

A dyslexic boy is in the car with his mum going home from school.

“Can we go to McDonald’s, mum? I’m hungry!"

“Well, if you can spell McDonald’s, we’ll stop on the way home..."

He starts to try: “M…C...er..." but he's struggling.

Eventually he says, "Forget it, mum, let's just have a KCF."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 07:00 PM

A woman was nursing her baby at a party when she felt it was time to change sides, and lifted the baby's head... who immediately began to cry.

   "Oh, what's wrong?, asked a friend, "He was so quiet & happy till just now."

The mother grinned..: "Short term mammary loss."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jan 23 - 09:20 PM

Male pattern bonding... he's just not that into you

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 23 - 11:53 AM

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?


"Arrrr, matey!"


I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Jan 23 - 04:41 PM

I just passed a one legged man stood at the cash machine

He was checking his balance

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 11 Jan 23 - 09:43 PM

Two cows were standing in a field when one said to the other "what do you think about this mad cow disease that's going around?" the other one said "why should I care, I'm a duck"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 23 - 01:21 PM

After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate
Its called Life

Customer: "Alcoholism is a disease."
Bartender: "You can get your shots here."


My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.
It runs in the genes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Jan 23 - 01:34 PM

A farmer's son took a young lady out behind the barn, hoping to get romantic. A cow and a calf were out in the field, huddled together and nuzzling each other.

"Oh, look there," he said, "Isn't that nice... that's what I'd like to be doing!"

"Oh, go right ahead," she said, "they're your cows."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: HuwG
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 04:25 AM

To err is human ...

To arr is piracy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 06:53 AM

That Bill joke reminds me of a Barry Cryer classic:

A man ran over a cockerel with his car and went to a nearby farmhouse to see how he can help. A woman opens the door and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’ She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back’.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 07:59 AM

Ha - Slight laugh
Ha Ha - Good laugh
Ha Ha Ha - Sarcastic laugh
Ha Ha Ha Ha - Stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:22 AM

Another Barry one:

A wife is in the bathroom trying on a new dress. She comes out and says to her husband: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ He says: ‘Oh be fair, love, it’s quite a small bathroom’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:35 AM

A Frankie Howerd one. When I was a student in London my landlady was Elizabeth Larner, who played Ammonia in Frankie Howerd's Roman sitcom (Up Pompeii). One evening, Frankie was their dinner guest, and we students were under strict orders not to venture out of our rooms to try to glimpse him! We heard quite a bit of uproarious laugher from downstairs...

To the joke...


An 82 year old man goes to his doctor.

'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,' says the old man.

'How old are you?' the doctor asks.

'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man.

The Doctor said, '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.'

'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later.

'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?'

'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly.

'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously.

'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:50 AM

I went to the doctor recently and told him 'I want my sex drive lowering'.. He laughed and said 'At your age it's all in your head'... I replied, 'That's what I mean...I want it lowering!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 09:27 AM

One more Barry one:

Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:15 AM

Here's a Cryer classic.

Walking down the high street one day a woman spots a sign in the local pet shop: 'Talking parrot, only £5 (cage included)'.

Intrigued, she enters the store and asks the proprietor why it's priced so cheaply.

"Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. "And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary."

"Never mind," says the woman. "At that price, I'll take it."

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

"New place - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

"New place, new girls - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Oh hello, Keith!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM

Heheh! We went to one of his one-man shows a few years ago (except that he had Colin Sell with him!), and every time I read one of his jokes I hear it in my head with his voice telling it. That's wonderful!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:06 PM

There was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.
So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house, I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:10 PM

We went to one of Humph's jazz concerts, as it happened just six weeks before he died. He was in great form. I'm not a jazz fan but we took my father-in-law for his birthday treat. In between pieces he did plenty of the old banter. At one stage he told us that Barry Cryer had once asked him if he'd ever shoed a horse. He replied that no he hadn't, but he'd once told a pig to piss off...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:28 PM

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM

After London's "Great" Britain Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out and celebrate.
The guy from Corona sits down and sez, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's bestest brew-- a Corona pleeeze' --The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and geeves it to heem.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like what's really the best brew in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers'-- throw me Bud, Buddy.'--The bartender grits his teeth and lobs him a cold one.

The guy from Coors, having shaken the the Union rabble from his entourage says, "I'd like the only Right-to-Work beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water! Toss me some Colorado joy!!."--And he gets it!

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Ahm... I'll just have a Coke-- Classic, please..."

The bartender, a bit taken aback, gives him a bottle of the best cola ever.

The other brewery presidents, startled at that order, mutter, almost in unison: "Ya'rn't drinking a Guinness?!?'

"Well, I fig'r'ed if ya Lad's aren't drinking beer, needer wu'd I...'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 10:27 AM

Another Barry one:

A man is in the front room and his wife is in the kitchen. She says: ‘Smoked salmon or chicken?’ And he says: ‘Oh, love, smoked salmon.’ She says, ‘You’re having soup, Fatty. I was talking to the cat.’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:16 PM

Even more Barry Cryer:

A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: 'If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks.'

'Oh yes,' says the landlord. 'How are you going to do that?'

The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. 'That's incredible!' says the landlord. 'Have you got anything else?'

The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The landlord is delighted. 'I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?' he asks. The man shakes his head: no.

'Will you sell just one then?' asks the bartender. 'OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100,' the man says. The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says: 'You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100.' 'No I'm not,' the man replies. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:21 PM

A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?" The doctor replies: "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say something in a normal voice and if she doesn't answer, move a little nearer and say it again and you'll get an idea about her hearing."

So when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen. He says "What's for dinner love?" but gets no answer. He moves in a little closer "What's for dinner love?" again, no response, and moves in again "What's for dinner love?" - nothing.

By now he's right behind her, he says again "What's for dinner love?" She turns round and says "For the fourth time - chicken!!"

Cheers, Barry!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jan 23 - 09:02 AM

Two old friends accidentally meet for the first time in months. Bob rushes up to Sam and gushes, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you, Sam! About 2 months ago, my life changed! You know how I was always hard of hearing? Welll.. I got new hearing aids! They cost me over $3000, but it makes such a difference!"

"That's great", Sam replies, "What kind are they?"

Bob glances at his watch... "Oh, about 11:15."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM

Two from UK comedian Jack Dee...

She: Does this hat go with this dress?
He: Yes. They're both horrible.


She: Does my bottom look big in this?
He: Well, it is rather a small shop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:31 AM

I told my friend I liked Beyonce. He said whatever floats your boat. I said no, that's buoyancy :?-?D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:43 AM

Reporter: Metropolitan policeman Rob Steele has been indicted for raping 49 women despite having 10-year-old priors. We have Police Commissioner Shawn Stevens here to respond to these charges, What actions have you taken regarding Officer Steele?
Commissioner: In case he is a bad apple I have put him on desk duty.
Reporter: Will you fire the entire Police Force?
Commissioner: Why would I do that?
Reporter: Because one bad apple spoils the bunch.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:02 AM

Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Husband: No dear, it's the fat that makes you look fat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:40 AM

Then there's the oft-told old chestnut (but why not...)

Wife, looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror, wailing at her husband:

"Oh my God! What's happened to me! Look! Belly flab, bat's wings, love handles, saggy tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, cellulite, varicose veins on my bandy legs... PLEASE tell me something that's good about me!"

"Well, dear, you still have perfect eyesight..."


Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 02:24 PM

So a bloke's at the doctors and mentions in passing that he farts a lot.

"It's not really a problem, doctor, as they're silent and they don't smell," he says.

The doctor gave him some pills and tells him to come back in a week.

Next week he's back.

"Well, doctor," he says, "I took the pills, but now my farts don't half pen and ink."

"Right," says the doctor, "Now that we've sorted out your sense of smell we'll work on your hearing."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:17 PM

Steve, https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-64289461

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:32 PM

And you think that belongs in a joke thread? What's the matter with you?


The doc told me that he had bad news and good news.

"What's the bad news, Doc?"

"I'm afraid you have short-term memory loss."

"Oh no! So what's the bad news?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:01 PM

your police are a joke

good news bad news jokes are juvenile jokes

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:47 PM

And you are being an idiot. Back down, either tell us a real joke or go off and inhabit your own multiple threads.

Q. What do you call a quiet Hawaiian laugh?

A. Aloha.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:16 AM

My car's windscreen was frosted over this morning, so I tried using a supermarket loyalty card as an ice scraper. Unfortunately, I was only able to get 20% off

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jan 23 - 07:35 AM

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Gimme the good news, doc.
Ok. You have AIDS.

What??? That's the good news? What's the bad news?
You have Alzheimer's.

...

Well, at least I don't have AIDS...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:18 PM

An artist had all his paintings in a gallery. One day he popped in to see how things were going.

Artist: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Artist: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery owner: He was your doctor...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 09:42 AM

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:25 AM

As of now, this joke thread has been posted to 125 times. You have posted to it 21 times and just a single one of those has contained a joke. There really is something wrong with you, isn't there?

A man went to the doctor with a sore throat.

"I'm afraid your tonsils will have to come out."

"What! At my age? I want a second opinion!"

"OK. That's a lousy haircut you've got there..."



I went to the fair. A fortune teller who was extremely bored and grumpy told me that I had only days to live. So I found another one, who told me in extremely angry tones that I'd live forever. Desperately, I looked around for yet another, but I couldn't find a happy medium...


I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:27 AM

Just saw this (in an article about computer-assisted writing):

What did the fish say as it swam into a wall?

Dam!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:22 PM

Joe Camel eat your heart out. They now have lightweight AR15's for kids but they call them JR-15's The ads have baby skulls for girls and boys.
Its a great way to reduce child abuse, look out teachers and parents.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM

You're sick in the head, aren't you?


A woman arrived home and told her husband that she had good news and bad news.

"So what's the good news?" He asked.

"Well, your car's air bags work perfectly..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

Two old friends, Bill and Ben, were football fanatics and loved to play the game. Then one day Bill died, leaving Ben inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ben heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal Bill!

“Ben,” Bill called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s football in heaven!”

“That's great!" said Ben, “But what's the bad news?”

“You’re in the team on Sunday...”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 06:35 PM

You google your jokes. We can do that and cut out the middleman.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 07:28 PM

You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM

Doc: "Good news! We found a liver donor that matches your blood type!"

Patient: "What could possibly be the bad news?"

Doc: "It's Keith Richards..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:47 PM

When have you known me to shy away from dangerous humor and actual events? Never. Perhaps ancient humor will be a welcomed change.
...Momma why is my sister such a smartie pants?
Well dear, On the sixth day God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam.

Bubba's mom said "Thats why girls are smarter than boys". Bubba said I never knew that. Bubba's mom said "Exactly"



btw I don't need google to spin a joke but I still prefer true stories.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:44 AM

A judge was reviewing the criminal history of the defendant in front of him and noticed that there was a five-year gap in which he'd committed no offences.

"How is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

“That’s not possible,” said the judge, "I wasn’t even a judge at the start of the five years!"

“No, you weren’t the judge. You were my defence lawyer.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:55 AM

A major bank was recruiting for an in-house lawyer.

The interviewer asked the young candidate, "Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest? Let me tell you something about my honesty. My dad lent me £50,000 for my university fees, and I paid back every penny straight after my first case.”

"That's very impressive. What sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:15 AM

My English teacher told me I was rubbish at English, but I didn't believe her even though I'd just failed my English test for the 3th time...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:23 AM

Two (or is it one?) people log onto the Last Word forum.

One says to the other "whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you."

The other says to the one "No. Whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you."

And they both lived happily ever after.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Jan 23 - 09:58 AM

Someone said the other day I was too tall for a Gnome

No, sez I. I shrink, therefore I am

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 05:07 AM

This morning I rang the council to ask if it was okay to have a skip in the road outside my house.

They said go for it, fatty, you could use the exercise

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM

I knocked on the door of the guest house. The landlady appeared at an upstairs window and shouted down to me, "What do you want?"

I said, "I'd like to stay here..."

She said, "Stay there then. I don't care..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM

A car stopped by me as I was hitch-hiking. He wound his window down and said, "What do you want?"

I said, "I need a lift."

He said, "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!" and drove off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM

Kaufman, Carlin, and Pryor walked into a bar. They would have killed if they hadn't died.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:32 AM

Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:42 AM

Here's a bit of a rude one but we're all grown-ups (except me):

An elephant met a camel.

The elephant said, "Why is it you camels have your tits on your back?"

The camel paused for a minute, then replied, "That's an unusual question coming from someone who has his dick on his face..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 12:56 PM

True story. A joke shop I Fleetwood had a hand written notice saying "Push hard. Door sticks". I went in and asked for a door stick and they just looked blank!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 01:59 PM

"This door is alarmed." I love that!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:20 PM

I went to a record shop and asked, “Have you got anything by the Doors?” He said, “Yes, a bucket of sand, a mop and a brush..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM

I saw a sign on a shop door that said ‘Guide Dogs Welcome’. I walked in and was greeted by a Labrador who thanked me for shopping and took my jacket.

I was at the bottom of the escalator when I saw a sign that said "Dogs must be carried." I couldn't go up because I didn't have a dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:59 AM

Two Tim Vine specials:

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:43 AM

I could have sworn I typed this one in, but clearly not in this thread:

Fritz Spiegl, did a piece on Radio 3 about Jacques Offenbach, a composer with a mischievous sense of humour. He remarked that Offenbach would have been delighted at this notice, seen in the window of a music shop in Soho:

Bach at two, Offenbach sooner

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM

.... and another:

Notice on the door of a university Music Department:

    Door sticks, please wiggle Handel

.... with this scrawled underneath:

    If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:19 AM

Just off to the supermarket. I have my Chopin Liszt. I'll be Bach in a fugue minuets...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:47 AM

All these are repeats. Repeating yourself is a symptom, you do need a check-up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:51 AM

Admonishing others is also a symptom....usually one of low self esteem.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:54 AM

The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. An animal Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

In a sense, nearly all jokes are repeats after a fashion. Genuine joke-inventors are rare beasts, so we have to resort to mass-borrowings. Unfortunately, not only can Donuel not invent jokes (like the rest of us I suppose, though most of us, unlike him, have the sense not to try), he doesn't know what a joke is. Dictionaries are available. Here's another of my oft-repeated Tim Vine ones:

I was on the Big Dipper on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears. It was an emotional roller-coaster...

Another thing that I like about jokes is that they gradually change in the telling down the years. They undergo a joke folk-process!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:24 AM

Do you mean Steve suffers from low self-esteem?
Steve quotes:
Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you.
Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread.
You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot.


Then I will repeat my originals. But I won't google...Momma, why is my sister such smartie pants?
Well dear, On the sixth day, God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break, and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like a woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam.

Timmy's mom said, "That's why girls are smarter than boys". Timmy said I never knew that. Mom said "Exactly"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:45 AM

I'll risk even lower esteem by informing you that that isn't a joke.

Here's a proper joke, another Tim one:

"My Christmas decorations are all inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:48 AM

And why don't you start (yet another) new thread? It could be entitled "Donuel's thread of non-googled jokes". Go on, give us a laugh! (Oh, the irony...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 03:15 PM

The lad serving us at the fast food takeaway on Saturday insisted that he was from Tolkein's Middle Earth

Yea. There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvish

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

A slightly rude googled one:

A woman had a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £10,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the chap, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to buy some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly replies, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I'll be able to tell you exactly how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 03:44 PM

I just discovered that my electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 09:07 PM

Two Flutes walk into a bar. One says to the other "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night". The other one replied "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 06:43 PM

Every morning I used to walk my cow in the vineyard.

Yes. I herd it through the grapevine.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 07:30 PM

...herd it through the bovine?

Why do cows have hooves instead of proper feet?

Because they lactose...

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Super Bowl Predictions
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:15 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:17 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM

I've sold all my body parts in order to feed my gambling addiction. Maybe I should quit while I'm still a head...

My wife can't help skipping through flowery meadows. I think she has a gambolling addiction...

Someone's been spreading rumours that I have a gambling addiction. I'm not sure who it is, but my money's on George...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 09:09 AM

I had a bad addiction to gambling so I went to 'Gamblers anonymous'. Now I'm a little better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:21 AM

'The thing about land mines is that they're easy to install, but with a hair trigger they're very dangerous, deadly and expensive to remove' - the perfect description of Republican candidates.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:40 AM

Jokes, puns, epigrams, aphorisms, bon mots, all welcome in this thread. There are threads for other stuff.


A policemen pulled a driver over on a quiet country road.

"Sir, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?"

"Oh, thank God! I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 11:59 AM

...And the punchline is...?

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a woman who helps to deliver babies!"

"Don't worry, sir. You're just going through a midwife crisis..."


I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was delivered the midwife slapped my mother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM

I believe you are unhappy. I have given no cause for offense.
Putting a finer point on things is not only kosher
it is required by finer minds.

What would satisfy the mad narcissist beast?
Do you need some sort of egotistical feast?
I daresay you have eaten enough
All I have is a deserved rebuff
Voila and for dessert
You are quite berserk

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 02:22 PM

I've been coming to Mudcat for many a year.
On the Joke thread son occasions my jokes will appear.
Some are quite funny, a few are naff.
Some even make the odd member laugh.
One persons jokes draw no smile or no grin.
In fact his presence is wearing quite thin.
His name of course, I will not tell .
But it may well rhyme...his....name ........is......?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM

William Tell? George Szell? Tom Bell? Gwynne (Nell)? Jacques Brel? Go on, Georgiansilver - I give up! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:05 PM

Now that is authentic with spirit.
we have no reason to fear it
whenever we compose
in rhyme or in prose
the truth that is told
is explicit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 07:19 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and fugue in D minor

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 08:26 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious!
Did Father Ignatius
Forget that the bishop has piles?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:42 AM

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire,
Without any pampshire,
Till the Bishop insisted he walisbury






For those who fail to understand the shortened version of Salisbury and Hampshire will give you the answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM

A gorgeous young lady from Exeter
Had all the young men crane their necks at 'er
But one was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM

A lovely young girl from Australia
Painted her arse with a dahlia
The colours were fine
As was the design
But the fragrance, alas, was a failure

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

A clever old hooker named Gail
Was tattooed with her prices for tail.
   And on her behind,
   For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.

(I told that in a group at a music gathering once, and there was a loud snort from behind be where our blind member had been listening.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:05 AM

Three old ladies were riding on a bus...
One said, "Windy today, isn't it?"
The second replied, "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."
The third said, "I'm thirsty, too. Let's get off and have a Coke."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

A husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years his wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator and goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:08 AM

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
   But the good ones I've seen,
   So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:05 AM

There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry just wouldn't scan,
When asked as to why,
He said in reply,
It's because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:22 AM

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who'd lifted her nightie
'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 12:04 PM

The artist felt joy in creating
but fans were often debating
if the forms that were made
were by brush or by blade
"They were done by nude procreating".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 01:05 PM

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Eloped with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 02:01 PM

Airplanes and boats go down
They die by fire or drown
But automobile's
Achilles heel
are cars, cliffs and the ground

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:18 PM

Grade E- for that last one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 04:06 AM

There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice
‘Twas the common belief
It was done for relief
And not out of protestant malice


There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 05:44 AM

Donuel, do you have to air out your grievances in this thread, I come here looking for a laugh, not to witness petty squabbles. P.M. a moderator or something. Please.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:19 AM

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said "It's disgusting
But it only needs dusting"
And think of the money I'll save"

There was a young man from Peel Green
Who invented a wanking machine
On the 99th stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his poor bollocks to cream

Now we have sunk to rock bottom, we can only gety better :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:27 AM

Dozens of your posts in this thread, Donuel, but just a single joke. But we're managing despite you.

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets, Tat, Nat and Pat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

There once was a lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
Then a man came along,
And unless I am wrong,
You were hoping this line would be lewd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 07:10 AM

What we say no to in life is as important as what we say yes to.
Thw liars culture of yours, stevie, is the same as people who verbally attacked 82 year old Paul Pelosi, or the petroleum industry who we expect to lie, that they are the only stable answer to energy needs. The liars culture now includes deep fakes. Defending against fakes is proving too difficult so an asterisk is given what can be proved real.
For people like you who have no respect for people except yourself are aiding and abetting the liars culture. Next I will give examples of your words even if it is anachronistic. Taking a stand against lies is a noble cause in this day and age no matter how small or large. You could regret that your deepest secret might be divulged but I do not engage in extortion. The truth is, I liked the gilly limerick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 01:07 PM

I haven't got any secrets. I must say, gillymor, that "Bude" is almost as fertile ground as "Nantucket" when it comes to limericks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:58 PM

Well, if it's limericks you want...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM

Good link there, Mrrzy! :-)


There was a young lady named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap,
And cried “Gordon, you're right up my alley!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 09:05 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that one cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 06:35 AM

There was a young man from Hunts
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the c.... in the punts
and the tricks of the p..... that were f...ing 'em

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: leeneia
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 03:08 PM

Hi, Donuel. I liked gillymor's limerick too. Since it ends up as a comment upon itself, it qualifies as a meta-limerick, don't you think?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:57 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it and three to sing in close harmony about the dead one

How many traditiohal folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Nothing must change


How many singer songwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change it and five to write deep meaningful songs about their relationship with the old one

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:52 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to do it normally and the other three all to do it in slightly different ways. There must be folk process...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 09:19 AM

Last night I had dinner at a new place called Karma Cafe. There were no menus, they just served you what you deserved.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 10:08 AM

Somebody said, maybe Mark Twain, analyzing humor is like vivisection, you may get some answers but the subject dies on the table.

Once again- Joke Thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:17 AM

Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread.

“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” — Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation… but I hear that it’s coming quickly.” ? Mel Brooks
“I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
"double entendres like these are put in a class of pun humor but they are no joke." - Donuel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:20 AM

A wizard walked into a gay bar ...

... and disappeared with a *poof*!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 12:07 PM

"Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread."

Sorry, but you're not getting away with that. It's just a feeble attempt to somehow legitimise your plethora of non-jokes, to somehow set them alongside the genuine jokes as equal in value to the real jokes, in what is a thread that's meant to be carefree and lighthearted. Your dozens of moans and non-jokes have been a concerted attempt to derail the thread for bitter reasons known only to you. A good joke exists in order to give us a belly laugh at best, failing that a titter at least, and occasionally a groan get-me-coat moment. It matters not a jot if they are unoriginal googles or repeats. You clearly don't understand any of these things. A good thing for you to do would be to review all your posts to this thread and reflect honestly on what you've really been trying to do.

Anyway.

A frantic man is on the phone to the nurse. "You've got to help me! My wife's waters have broken and her contractions are only two minutes apart! HELP!"

The nurse asks calmly, "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot! This is her husband!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 05:20 PM

Sabine Hossenfelder has a very dry sense of humour on her Science Youtube channel. see Science News: @ 18:26

Basically when asked how to solve a problem with a quantum computer, she suggested "have you tried switching it on and off ............. at the same time"

Caveat for our resident kibitzer - "humour is relative" - some people can't relate, and it shows.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:49 PM

I suppose. Now do you know any jokes, preferably told in plain English? I've tried hard to accommodate your style by coming up with an arcane and obscurantist way of saying the following, but I've failed miserably in that quest. So the very best I can do is to say it this way:

Ahem:

"This is a joke thread."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A bloke was coming round after his operation when the surgeon appeared at his bedside.

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doc.

"Oh God! Well tell me the good news first, Doc!"

"Well, remember I said that your whole right leg would have to come off? Thing is, we only had to remove half of it after all!"

"Oh, that's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:19 AM

What happened to the joke I posted this morning?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Dunno, but I composed a reply, which wouldn't send, now yours is missing so I have a redundant post saved up! You were taking the mick because you think I mention Blair Peach too many times, I think, something like that anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Oh yes, your joke too...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:43 AM

Report? Mudcat was down for a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:59 AM

If your reply over on the Brexit thread started with "Sarkey ...", then it did take although it's not there now.

Anyway, not to waste a good joke, here it is again:-

A man was driving across country when he took a call from his wife on his hands-free phone. In an agitated voice, she said:
"If you're on the motorway, be careful. It's just been on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the M62".
"It's worse than that" he replied. "I'm on the M62 and they're all driving the wrong way'.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:02 PM

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

Wht d y gt f y rmv ll th vwls?

Rbbsh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:25 PM

Tht jk s jst bllcks f y sk m, Dv.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:19 PM

What is very heavy going forwards but not backwards?

Ton.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:30 PM

that last joke doesn't work in Hebrew.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.
Everyone loves a tanks giving turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A psychiatrist shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says, “A man and woman making love.”

He shows him another inkblot, and the patient says, "That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychiatrist says, "You're obsessed with sex!”

The patient says, “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:27 PM

Once more-

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:31 PM

Whoops, here's the one I meant to repost-

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 06:56 AM

A dung beetle walked into a bar and asked, "Is this stool taken?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 10:37 AM

Steve, put your coat back n. That was funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 11:31 AM

What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole?





















Dominic Raab's necktie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

I heard somewhere that Raab isn't his real surname, rather it's his GCSE grades, thus:

Dominic? Ah! A A B!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 02:06 PM

I got an email offering to teach me how to read maps backwards

Turns out it was spam

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 02:20 PM

Er, Dave...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 03:33 PM

You'll hear from my attorneys in the morning, Gnome. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 03:37 PM

Ahhh. Sorry Steve and Gillymor.

I blame it on old age and poverty. Or deja vu.

Have I said that before?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 05:37 PM

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.


Shit...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 07:11 PM

I rang my wife and asked if she'd like me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home.

She just grunted. I have a feeling that she still resents the fact that she allowed me to pick the names for our twins...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 07:17 PM

Bloke went up to the desk in the library and announced loudly, "Fish and chips, please."

"Shhh! Do you mind, sir? This is a library!"

"Oh, sorry..." (lowers his voice to a quiet whisper)... "Fish and chips, please..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 10:46 PM

I got an email yesterday explaining that mudcat jokes are atavistic.

I'll get your coat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 11:02 PM

Yesterday was groundhog day when he predicted 6 more weeks of mass shootings and he was shot by a hunter with his AR 15.

whose coat is this?
I found a 20-year-old condom in the pocket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 03:54 AM

Beyond me...

When I was a junior clerk at the council offices my boss sent me to get him a ham sandwich from the local shop

"What if they don't have one?", I asked

"Oh, get me anything.", he replied

He wasn't very impressed with the bar of soap I brought back

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 04:56 AM

A joke for Beano readers:

Desperate Dan was ordering a jumbo steak in the restaurant.

"How would you like your meat, sir?"

"I'm not fussy. Just pull the cow's horns out and wipe its arse..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 05:19 AM

He always kept the horns on for his cow pie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 05:53 AM

May I just point out that Desperate Dan was in 'The Dandy', not 'The Beano'.

Dandy's demise

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:31 AM

I got an email about reading maps bac...

Oh, hang on...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:39 AM

It's Deja Vu all over again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 08:14 AM

Th consultant surgeon asked the patient if he wanted the good news or bad news first. 'The bad news first' replied the patient. 'Well' said the consultant surgeon, 'We took your good leg off by mistake'. 'Oh No' replied the patient, 'you had better give me the good news'.....'Well' said the consultant surgeon, 'Your bad leg seems to be getting better'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 10:03 AM

Hippy woman runs into a hospital shouting "I need to see a sturgeon!"

A nurse calms her down saying "I think you mean surgeon. What's the problem?"

"I haven't demonstrated for 2 months and I think I'm stagnant"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 10:22 AM

Donuel @03 Feb 23 - 10:46 PM you landed with a perfect 10 on that one. Even with the "get your coat" departure, I visualize a chimpanzee pelt . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 03:06 PM

I just heard a perfect description of Donuel.

Pizza cutter

All edge and no point :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 06:33 PM

Well someone has to encourage the bugger. The main thing is, we want jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:50 PM

Hilarious, DtG! Telling all my hippie friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 05 Feb 23 - 01:52 PM

I went to see my doctor and he gave me 6 months to live. I told him I couldn't afford to pay his bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 08:40 AM

The consultant told me that I would need to take the pills, one each day, for the rest of my life.....What worried me is he only prescribed enough pills for one week.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 09:40 AM

The first time a wooly mammoth saw a caveman naked it wondered how cavemen could breathe outta that little thing.

An Indian and a bear walked into a bar and ordered 40 beers. The bartender said, "we don't serve your kind here". The Indian said, "Bear with me".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 09:56 AM

The doc gave this bloke some pessaries to help to relieve his piles.

A week later he went back to the doc, who asked him how he was getting on.

He said, "The tablets you gave me were useless. For all the good they did I might as well have shoved 'em up my arse!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 11:15 AM

Reminded by another thread

Doctor, I keep singing Delilah and Green Green Grass of Home

Oh, you have Tom Jones syndrome. It's not unusual.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 01:20 PM

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mixup she said. Although there were 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry, would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 07:11 PM

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm losing my memory!"

"Hmm. And how long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on...?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Feb 23 - 07:11 AM

Bloke said to his doctor, "Doc, I have pain all over my body!"

"Hmm. Can you be a bit more specific?"

The bloke touched his nose, then his knee, then his ear, then his shoulder. "It's everything I touch, doc! Terrible pain!"

The doc looked him over. "Ah, I can see what the problem is. You've got a broken finger."



Woman told the doc that she'd been chewing her pillow in the night.

"How are you now?" he asked

"I feel a little down in the mouth..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Feb 23 - 07:50 PM

It's only when you're halfway through eating a horse that you realise that you weren't as hungry as you thought.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Feb 23 - 08:25 PM

An old one but good enough to repeat (I hope...)

A man was standing in the dock. The prosecutor read out the charge, that he'd assaulted his wife over her head with his guitar.

The judge peered at the bloke over his specs and said to him, "First offender?"

"No, your honour, first a Les Paul then a Fender..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Feb 23 - 07:15 AM

Steve... whenever I go to my dentist, she always looks down in the mouth.

Yesterday I found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called the local Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a tow truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 23 - 09:11 AM

At least it wasn't for a tow-headed child.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 02:47 PM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 03:54 PM

A guy goes into a restaurant and finds rabbit stew on the menu. He orders it and soon finds it 'odd'. He call the waiter and asks,

"Are you sure this is rabbit stew? It tastes odd."

"Well sir, I must confess, the chef has mixed it with some horse meat.

"Horse meat? No wonder... but I can't taste any rabbit. How much horse meat?"

"Ummm.. about 50/50, sir."

"I should still be able to taste SOME rabbit. Are you sure about those percentages?"

"Yes sir...half a horse to half a rabbit."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 06:02 PM

I had to think about that for a little while !

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 07:02 PM

Whenever I need a filling, I always refuse the anaesthetic injection (absolutely true!), in other words, I transcend dental medication...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 07:10 PM

A mathematician was scolding his naughty children:

"If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 07:32 PM

There's a blue plaque on the wall of a house in Munich that reads:

"Heisenberg may or may not have slept here."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 01:54 PM

Steve, do you have the address of that house?

I know of the house in Hohenzollern Street, where Heisenberg spent his youth - there is a sign at the house, but it only mentions that he spent his youth there. Not the thing about maybe having slept there.

See Munich history site

But I don't know a house with a sign that he may have slept there (or not).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 02:05 PM

I hate to tell you this, but I got that from a joke website! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 04:21 PM

That's a joke, isn't it? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 09:46 PM

"Waiter! Come and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 09:37 AM

My wife wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meager rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.
I told her it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 10:20 AM

Waiter waiter there's a soup in my fly

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 12:21 PM

You buggers can joke about this, but, and I kid you not, I've just returned a beautiful (unopened) bottle of Spanish white wine to Morrisons because it had a fly floating in it! The odd thing is that I had to return a bottle of the self-same wine just a few weeks ago because it had a beautiful lacewing floating in it! The lady at the kiosk told me that I'd have to pay extra for these bonus bugs in future...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 12:47 PM

Couple of lighter moments from "The last of us"

It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationary.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 23 - 08:26 AM

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. All agreed that he should have had a second coat!

I once worked for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged…

When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo….. I
really put my foot down!

The problem with Political jokes is they sometimes get elected.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 23 - 10:56 PM

I am reminded of how to tell how long someone had been In Country...

They get a drink.

... if a few days... They send the drink back if it has a fly in it.

...if a few weeks... they fish out the fly and drink the drink.

...if a few months... they drink the drink, fly and all.

...if a few years... Hey! Waiter! Where's my fly?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 17 Feb 23 - 06:12 PM

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Terribly sorry, sir, but the chef used to be a tailor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Feb 23 - 06:29 PM

A woman is at her husband's funeral where friends take turns saying nice
things about the deceased.

One man steps to the front and says "Plethora" into the mic and then
sits down next to the widow.

She leans over to him and whispers,

"Thank you so much! That means a lot."

(stolen from a Google Group where it got several groans)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Feb 23 - 06:46 PM

later... same group

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 04:45 AM

A man is coming home from the pub, late one evening, when he comes upon a road accident right outside his house. A car has hit a motorcyclist. The driver is trapped in his car and the rider is lying on the ground covered in blood, his moped on it's side in the middle of the road.

A crowd has gathered round but he pushes forward, shouting "Let me through! Let me through!".

"Are you a paramedic?" asks one of the crowd.

"No" replied the man. "It's my pizza".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 07:59 AM

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 01:39 PM

My favourite Oldham Tinkers line

We called our dof Grieg. All he could do were pee agin t'suite

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 03:12 PM

Dof=dog if you hadn't guessed

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 07:06 PM

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed!"

“I know,” says the second owner.

“How do you know?” the first demands.

“My dog told me.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 23 - 05:55 AM

A dog walks into a job centre and asks for a job.

"Wow, a talking dog!" says the clerk, "With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig at the circus!"

"The circus?" says the dog, "What would a circus want with a plumber?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 23 - 01:09 PM

Actually a blacksmith Steve. ~Kick it up the arse and it will make a bolt for the door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 23 - 02:29 AM

Mon - Greg
Tue - Ian
Wed - Greg
Thu - Ian
Fri - Greg
Sat - Ian
Sun - Greg

The Gregorian calender

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Feb 23 - 12:42 PM

Joke from a number of years ago:

Two rednecks (American lower class..mostly from the South) have been going duck hunting and not having much luck.
They were complaining in town, and a guy they knew from the other side of the valley said,
"Your problem is, you're trusting to your own cleverness. You need help. I have dogs which make things a lot easier."

Well, they beg and plead, and the guy finally agrees to loan them a couple of HIS dogs for a week.

   So they take the dogs with them for several days, but still aren't having any luck.

"I don't understand," says one, "Charlie swore that we'd get all the ducks we want."

"I don't get it either," says the other,"Maybe we ain't throwing the dogs high enough,"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 23 - 06:38 AM

Billy Connolly's three pieces of advice for men upon turning 60:

Never miss an opportunity to have a pee

Never trust a fart

Never waste an erection (even if you're on your own)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 27 Feb 23 - 09:12 AM

Hey Bill D, that last one reminded me of same 2 fellows who decided to go ice fishing.
They found some ice and cut a good size hole then dropped their lines in. After about 10 minutes they hear a booming voice from above say "There are no fish under the ice! They look around and cannot see anyone so they keep on fishing. Another 10 minutes later and they hear the booming voice again say "I said, there are no fish under the ice!" still seeing nobody around one of them jumped up and shouted "Who is that, God" the same voice replies "No, this is the rink manager".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Feb 23 - 10:48 AM

Not a joke but funny:

Art as modern memes...

Blicky.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:11 AM

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:24 AM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:35 AM

A statistician gave birth to twins but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:41 AM

Some villagers were heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned their brains.
The cause of their sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:52 AM

A man at a bar tells the bartender, "I'll have some H2O"

The man next to him says, "I'll have some H2O too"

He dies.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 08:09 AM

Not your typical bar joke but rather like fission chips for lunch.
BOOM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 08:42 AM

Do refer to the thread title.



A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line beamer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. But as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Trying her best to be nonchalant, she asks, "How much does this lovely car cost?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:24 AM

surely you can do better than scatological 'humor'.
maybe you can't

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:41 AM

Oh, I can do all sorts. Just read the thread, Mr Sourpuss!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:54 AM

You remind me of the exchange between Basil Fawlty and the American, Mr Hamilton, in the Waldorf Salad episode:

Mr. Hamilton : "You're gonna stay here, nice and quiet, while these people say whether or not they're satisfied. And you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm gonna bust your ASS!"

Basil Fawlty, muttering: "Everything's bottoms, isn't it?"

Of course, that was nationalities in reserve...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:01 AM

I read and write and it is neither inscrutable or obscurant as you claim.
I bet you don't know a word that uses all the vowels including y.
I unquestionably do.

When the past present and future walked into a bar it was tense.

You don't know the no-nos from the nose on your face.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:09 AM

his dog has no nose...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM

Steve's words and punctuation end up in court for sentencing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 01:38 PM

If you correct my English, I will think fewer of you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 03:59 PM

"I bet you don't know a word that uses all the vowels including y."

Simple challenges such as this positively invite me to deal with you facetiously.

Now tell us a bloody joke fer chrissake.

The hold of a plane carrying a cargo of Japanese car parts suddenly burst open. On the ground it was raining Datsun cogs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 04:41 PM

If it rains cats and dogs be careful you don't stand in a poodle

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 05:43 PM

Or a moggie boggie...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:05 PM

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Mar 23 - 04:32 AM

For years the UNIX manual page for tunefs (the command for tweaking a file system) had the comment

"You can tune a file system but you cannot tune a fish"

They were a bundle of laughs those early developers...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 02 Mar 23 - 06:41 AM

When commercial sites started using BSD (fondly known by some of us as Berzerkeley Unix), some (*ahem*) managers pruned the "tunafish" joke out of tunefs(8)'s manpage. In SunOS 4.1.1, it had been reinstated, together with a comment in the source: "Take this out and a Unix Demon will dog your steps till the time_t's wrap around." We take our jokes seriously.

.... My favourite bit in the BUGS section of a manpage (which I can no longer find) was: "This is a very small candle attempting to illuminate a large, dark problem." Fifty bonus points to whoever rediscovers it for us all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Mar 23 - 10:26 AM

In the middle of a conversation with my trans nephew I asked if he'd done something Under duress. He quipped Oh, no, I don't wear duresses any more.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 23 - 06:15 PM

The Pope is visiting Canada.
After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the popemobile. even though I am such a passionate driver!" So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope.

After a few kilometers, the Pope is stopped by a police officer. The Pope winds the window down and the policeman immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior:

"Lieutenant , i have a problem. I have a speeder here."

"What is the problem? Just fine him!"

"I think he is a big shot though."

"Is he higher ranked than me?"

"Lieutenant, i believe that is the case."

"Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?"

"Lieutenant, i am afraid that is the case."

"Who is he then?"

"I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Mar 23 - 04:12 AM

My Grandad used to worry about all the friends he had lost

Maybe being a tour guide was a bad career choice

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Mar 23 - 09:07 AM

Of course Steve there is always Abstemiously as well as facetiously that have all vowels and a y in the correct order.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 23 - 12:41 PM

We were told at school that they were the only two.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Mar 23 - 03:28 PM

I sense a missed Tom Swifty.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 03 Mar 23 - 03:32 PM

more unix fun (at least some years ago these really worked ...):
(% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell)

% "How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface?
Unmatched ".

% rm congressional-ethics
rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

%make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create


Or, in a System V (att) universe:

$ cat "can of food"
cat: cannot open can of food

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 04 Mar 23 - 09:30 AM

Donuel, your Pope's chauffeur joke needs translation into Canadian.

The Pope is visiting Alberta. At the end his official visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of the Canadian Rockies. Twenty kilometres west of Calgary, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the tiny Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the Popemobile, even though I am such a passionate driver!" So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope.

After a few kilometers, the Pope is pulled over by an RCMP constable. The Pope winds the window down and the Mountie immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior:

"Staff sergeant, I have a problem. I have a speeder here."

"What is the problem? Just issue him a ticket!"

"I think he is a big shot, though."

"Does he out-rank me?"

"Staff, I am afraid that is the case."

"Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?"

"Staff, I believe that is the case."

"Who is he then?"

"I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Mar 23 - 11:13 AM

I've also noticed that it goes farther below 0 down here than it does in Canada.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Mar 23 - 05:05 PM

Crossing over to my thread about growing mushrooms.

I have been encouraging my mushrooms to grow by singing Queen songs at them

We are the champignons my friend...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 23 - 05:34 PM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Mar 23 - 10:58 AM

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.
Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of sweat slithered down the count’s face but still he said nothing. The captain gave the signal, and the executioner brought his hatchet down, but just as he did, the count’s courage broke and he blurted out: “No! Wait! I’ll tell you where gold’s hid-“

But it was too late. The axe came down, off came the head, and no one got the gold.

The moral of the story is: “Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Mar 23 - 09:18 AM

Modesty is the one thing I'm not good at.
Because I'm great at it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM

That's like me. Humility is my middle name, I'm proud of it and I'll shout it from the bloody rooftops.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 07 Mar 23 - 01:10 PM

I used to be big headed but now I am perfect.

Modesty is just one of my many qualities.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 07 Mar 23 - 01:47 PM

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm not one nowwwwoooooooooooo!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Mar 23 - 05:59 PM

Aliter:
Last year I had one glaring fault. I was conceited.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Mar 23 - 10:11 PM

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:03 AM

*Sigh* So many women, so little time... *sigh*

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 06:45 AM

Dunno whether this is apocryphal, but I was told it was true. A new headmaster at a rough school was trying to assert his authority in his first school assembly.

He stood on the stage in front of the school and said, "Right, let's get this straight before we start. There are only two bastards in this school, and I'm both of 'em..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:08 AM

My brother told me of something that happened at his school assembly once. The Headmaster was having a jolly good rant, and said about something-or-other (I forget what) "This is madness!" At this, the entire fourth year, as one, followed through with "One Step Beyond!" and started doing the appropriate dance (Dur dur durrrr, dur de dur dur durrrr).

I believe this was the only time an entire year got detention.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:15 AM

I suspect that must have been well planned MaJoC. During my further education at Worsley College of Knowledge there was a dinner lady who always asked the question "Gravy, love?" A few of us practiced the Supremes dance routine and responded with the song "Gravy love, oh gravy love. I need you, oh how I need you love..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:45 AM

> I suspect that must have been well planned MaJoC.

I was given to understand this was entirely spontaneous. As the offending record was high in the charts at the time, the fourth form were well practiced already, and the response was Pavlovian.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 01:10 PM

When I was in eighth grade, the new English teacher introduced himself this way.
"My name is Mr. Newsom, I weigh 220 pounds and I used to teach judo in the Navy now let's get down to studying English."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 01:32 PM

A guy who lived very close to his local zoo, and was well known to the staff was wandering around one day when he came to the wildebeest exhibit. He didn't see the usual resident of the enclosure, and and asked a keeper where it was. The keeper told him that the animal was getting on in years, and was either going to be sent to a retirement pasture or possibly put down.
   This made the man kinda sad, and on an impulse he asked if it would be possible to adopt it. The keeper said that that was highly regular, but it sounded like a good idea and he would take it up with the management of the zoo.
   Amazingly, the committee agreed and quietly arranged for the man to have the animal brought to his yard, which was quite spacious and fenced. Well, the man and the wildebeest really bonded, and the guy wondered if he could train his new companion like he had done with a border collie he once had. So he spent several months trying to get it to sit down, lay down on the ground, roll over and even beg for its dinner. Sadly, it was all to no avail, and after a while he gave up, reminding himself of an old saying he once heard.

"You can't teach an old Gnu dog tricks."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Michael
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 02:13 PM

A secondary school I worked in; morning assembly, the head was ranting about a football breaking a window, "Boys who want to play with balls must do so on the tennis court".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 02:42 PM

This is absolutely true. A good few years ago, a geography teacher at the secondary school in Bude (shall we call him "Len?") was briefing his class of 15-year-olds before sending them out with clipboards to do a survey of the local shops. His parting shot before sending them out into town was "Right, boys and girls. Don't forget that I'll be in town myself keeping an eye on you, and I don't want to see you boys standing around on the street corners scratching your balls..."

"Len" is an old boy now but he's still around. In his day he was a mean, if wayward, trombone player who'd lead the band through town at the start of the Bude jazz festival. If I bump into him in town, even if it's just a sighting across the street, he greets me at 150 decibels like a long-lost friend, and he always asks about our two children by name, who he knew from the north Cornwall schools band ("Trigg"), even though he hasn't seen them now for 25 years. What a star! We need more of his kind!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:15 PM

BillD, deer, I gnu I'd regret reading that one...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:34 PM

Mrs Steve groaned aloud when I read her Bill's one. That alone proves without the shadow of a doubt what a classic it is, Bill!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 05:33 PM

I was told that, because I had dyslexia, I would never be any good at poetry. Since then, I've made two vases, a jug and a set of bowls, so what do they know?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Mar 23 - 10:20 PM

The right-wing are such degenerate gamblers. They casino Big Lie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:41 AM

In the words of the great Ben Elton, 'Laugh? I thought I'd never start'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 07:40 AM

Reminds me of the one about Harry's book "Spare." It's the kind of book that, once you've put it down, you can't pick it up again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:05 PM

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

– Albert Einstein



It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

– Albert Einstein


I tried to imagine the easiest way God could have done it.

– Albert Einstein


If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

– Albert Einstein

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:15 PM

Chauvinistic golfers blame the hole but not their balls.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:38 PM

I hope that Einstein fellow is not trying to make a living as a comedian. Not a joke in the lot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 06:56 PM

You remineded me, Bill

What noise does a gnu make?

Bnag

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Mar 23 - 07:37 PM

Yeah, gillymor. You and I could live to 110 and still have failed to apprise Donuel of the meaning of "joke." I will concede, however, that I did like the one that said "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." It's not a joke, and I tittered not, but at least it was a word of wisdom that I can latch on to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Mar 23 - 08:52 AM

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Mar 23 - 09:15 AM

China wants Taiwan back and Russia wants Ukraine
Trump wants the White House if only he had a brain
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established joke

But during
National Armistice Week, National Armistice Week
Olensky and Putin are slow dancing cheek to cheek
It's fun to eulogize the people you despise
As long you don't let them win their war


Oh, the poor folks, hate the rich folks
And the rich folks hate the poor folks
Poor folks get the small arms and the rich get bombs
It's as biblical as the Psalms

But during
National Armistice Week, National Armistice Week
The MAGAverse loves the immigrants cause it's very chic
Stand up and shake the hand of someone you can't stand
You can tolerate the morons if you try

Oh the Protestants hate the Catholics
And the Catholics hate the Protestants
And the Hindus hate the Muslims
And everybody hates the Jews

But during
National Armistice Week, National Armistice Week
It's National Everyone-Smile-At-One-Another-hood Week
Be nice to people who are inferior to you
It's only for a week so have no fear
Be grateful that it doesn't last all year

thanks to Tom Leher and the Yank version of jokes

Subject: Obit: Obit 'Someone else'
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Mar 23 - 10:37 AM

"I know that all of you were saddened, to learn this week of the death of one of our most valuable workmates, ‘Someone Else’.
Someone Elses passing created a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Someone has been with us for many years, and for every one of those years Someone did far more than the normal person’s share of the work.
Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results. 'Someone Else can work with that group'!. Whenever there was a job to do, a workshop to lead, or a meeting to attend, the same name was on everyone’s lips. 'Let Someone Else do it'!. It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the largest givers of time and talent in our organisation.
Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes even appearing super-human, and the truth is that everyone expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone, and we are left to wonder what to do now. Someone Else left us all a wonderful example to follow but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? Remember, we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore so you might be required to do something yourself!!!!!." (Author unknown.)

Subject: RE: Obit: Obit 'Someone else'
From: Raggytash
Date: 13 Mar 23 - 03:24 PM

If anyone is going to Leek call in at the Wilkes Head pub, the landlord (Moggie) is a great, guitarist, banjo player and singer. He's also as mad as a box of frogs, great company, great beers!.

Subject: RE: Obit: Obit 'Someone else'
From: Helen
Date: 13 Mar 23 - 03:29 PM

Thanks Georgiansilver. :-D

There must be a few Someone Elses who have passed away, because I have seen similar obits here in Australia.

My hubby, now retired, worked in IT and if a problem was identified it was often humorously labelled as an SEP (Someone Else's Problem).

Subject: RE: Obit: Obit 'Someone else'
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Mar 23 - 04:00 PM

This would be more appropriate in the "BS: Joke thread for 2023". The 'Obit:' prefix should be reserved for genuine obituaries.

DC

---

Mudelves concur. ---mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 23 - 01:00 AM

There was an Australian visiting New Zealand, walking along, sees a man who appears to be shagging a sheep.

Hoy mate, what are you doing?

I'm shagging this sheep, you fool!

Don't you shear'm?

Nah, git yer ahn!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 14 Mar 23 - 11:49 AM

Doug, I think there was a gilch of Mudcat yesterday I definitely posted my comment on the correct Leek Folk Day thread but it ended up here!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 14 Mar 23 - 11:56 AM

It wasn't your contribution that I was commenting on, Raggy. Yours was obviously a mis-post.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 06:17 AM

Who is Irish and stays out ALL night?
Patty O'Furniture.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 06:41 AM

What's green and falls apart?
Leper cons.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 07:18 AM

This is a joke thread.

Bloke walked into a pub and ordered ten shots of whisky and a pint. The barman served up the whiskies, but during the short time he'd turned away to pull the pint the bloke had already downed all ten shots of whisky.

"Blimey, that was quick!" said the barman.

"Ah, you'd be drinking quickly if you had what I've got."

"Oh dear. What is it you've got?" asked the barman.

"50p."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 10:05 AM

Leper cons! Bwahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 01:22 PM

Not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 01:43 PM

It's ironic that the bloke who accuses you and I, Steve, of making fun of those who are differently abled can make jokes about lepers!

Anyroads, as it probably needs explaining

What is irony?

One of them things you use to smooth out creasy clotheys

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 01:54 PM

This is an oldie......
A flea was living in Omar Sharifs moustache. One day it phoned the head flea complaining of too much rich food and drink. The head flea suggested it moved to Raquel Welchs' pubic hair which it happily did. The following morning it again phoned the head flea to say 'I don't know how his has happened, but I am back in Omar Sharifs' moustache'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:05 PM

I always thought that irony meant a bit like iron...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:19 PM

I hope you are watching Red Nose Day. The serious people telling jokes was hilarious

I liked Reeta Chakrabarti's

I went to the zoo and there was just one dog there. It was a Shih Tzu

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:45 PM

B*Witched are still stunners too. But is it folk?

Joke! Joke! Honest :-D

C'est la vie...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:48 PM

That was Naga, not Reeta, Dave! I absolutely love stupid and childish jokes, much to Mrs Steve's chagrin...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 23 - 05:04 PM

Just shows how much notice I take! I really shouldn't try to multitask :-)

While I was at it though I found out that irony could also be an element between manganesey and cobalty

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 05:54 AM

Bloke sidled up to me at the bar and said to me confidentially, "Hey mate, between you and me we've got five bollocks."

"Really?" said I, "So you've only got the one...?"


Hear about the bloke with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 06:49 AM

Now I see why your beloved stupid and childish jokes are your only definition of a joke, Perhaps you have heard "It's not all about you".
The Aristocrats joke is the epitome of stupid childish jokes. I'll trade you two words and one finger for your stupid and childish jokes.

In reality there really are some species of sharks that have two willies but I'm pretty sure they would happily trade one willie for an arm and hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 08:10 AM

Well of course I'm only guessing, but I suspect that your very silly post puts you out of kilter with just about everyone who reads this thread (though I also suspect that THIS post may tempt the more po-faced among us to come temporarily out of hiding...)

Were you over-protected as a child or is it some kind of strict Baptist thing...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 08:34 AM

If hemorrhoids could talk they would sound like 'narciscysts'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 08:55 AM

In his post Trump blames a Jew George Soros for his impending arrest.

I blame his one of the four times the Capitol was attacked.
First by the British then the Civil War, 9-11 and Jan. 6th.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 09:02 AM

This is no joke but if it were, it is on us.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 09:09 AM

Are you jealous because you don't know what a joke is? We can help you if you ask nicely...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Mar 23 - 10:56 AM

If a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Mar 23 - 07:20 AM

Thinking about this, I actually love stupid and childish jokes. When I'm sharing 'em with my seven-year-old grandson they sort of let us into a secret silly world for a minute or two. And they bear repetition!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet?

Because it has a silent pee!



What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyoncè!



What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner!"


And our latest favourite, ludicrously stupid but endlessly giggleiferous:

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Because his mum threw a refrigerator at him...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Mar 23 - 07:22 AM

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 23 - 01:22 PM

I always liked that one despite its aroma of phosphine.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Mar 23 - 02:18 PM

I lacked confidence in myself so I rang the doctor, but all I got was this recorded message:

"If you have low self-esteem, keep waiting, as all our operators are currently helping patients who are far more important than you."


My wife kept insisting that I stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:02 AM

Let's say goodbye with a smile, dear
Just for a while dear we must part
Don't let this parting upset you
I'll not forget you, sweetheart

We'll meet again
at Broadmore
or Berwyn
But I know We'll meet again one sunny day.

Keep smiling through
Just like you always do
'Til the blue skies chase those dark clouds far away
And I will just say hello
To the folks that you know
Tell them you won't be long
They'll be happy to know
That as I saw you go
You were singing this song

We'll meet again
at Broadmore
or Berwyn
But I know We'll meet again one sunny day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:08 AM

Looks like you got the wrong thread, homey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:21 AM

Not only does he not know what a joke is, he's also suspected of not being able to read short words in thread titles. Poor sausage.

A bloke is a mad-keen cyclist and he goes out every Saturday morning without fail for a 50-mile ride. One Saturday morning he creeps out of bed so as not to wake his missus and gets geared up, but when he opens the back door to get his bike out he sees a driving blizzard, a howling gale and three-foot snowdrifts. Normally, this doesn't faze him and he'd go anyway, but this morning he's feeling his age a bit, so, just for once, he changes his mind, takes off his cycling gear and creeps back into bed.

He starts to feel a bit amorous so he starts caressing and cuddling his missus.

She responds appreciatively and says to him sleepily, "Can you believe that my husband would go out on his bike in this crap..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:29 AM

I guess he doesn't get enough attention in other threads so he has to troll this one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 08:49 AM

You belong in Broadmore.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 09:14 AM

ouch!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM

Its all in good fun except Steve is a bad PUN ...poor unfortunate nut.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 10:27 AM

I'm not sure that telling someone they belong in Broadmore [sic] is "good fun." Doubtless you will, as ever, pretend that we don't understand your sense of humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:03 PM

Steve, are you a victim of Iwan Pawlow?

Just thought so ...

Whenever the bell rings Donuel posts something your saliva starts flowing you write "not funny" or "no joke".


Btw, I find the private war between Steve and Donuel rather boring ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:13 PM

Its all about high school all the time or a masculinity challenge.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:42 PM

Pavlova's dog. Every time you ring a bell it eats a raspberry meringue

Mudguard, I'm not going to get into an argument but you need to go right back to the start of the thread. Who started it, what was the intention and who first crapped on it!?! I know there are differences in senses of humour but some of the 'jokes' are simply not jokes at all :-( If people simply stuck to the idea there would not be a problem.

BTW. I just got a refund for my broken ebike so hope to order another this week. Not a joke in itself but reminded me...

Lad goes into a shop and asks for a bar of green soap. Sorry son, the shopkeeper says, we only have red soap. It's OK says the lad. I'm on my bike.

Good example of a joke that I found hilarious as a youngster. Still raises a chuckle. I suspect Steve will get it but others may not!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 05:01 PM

I have an immovable golden rule, mudguard. I never, repeat never, post anything that makes me tense or miserable. Donuel is a strange and inadequate man (at least I think he's a man, but you never know these days) who loves to troll, but I'm impenetrable. He is not, unfortunately. Must be those early-day mushrooms of his. If you're not as entertained by our back-and-forths as I am, then I can only repeat what I said this morning to BWM: you have choices! And this IS a joke thread...

I get told off for shouting quietly at people with their non-jokes, but I never get praised for my jokes. Ho hum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 05:16 PM

We just don't want to encourage you to leave us for the comedy circuit Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:03 PM

Sorry about the missing capitals, MudGuard!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:38 PM

Can't do that, Dave, because all my jokes are nicked. Unlike Donuel, I'm not clever enough to make up my own.

(That was a joke, by the way!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:57 PM

These may have come up before. Three Tim Vine specials:

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays..."

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

A one-armed waiter - he could dish it out but he couldn't take it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 08:26 PM

Do you mock me sir, and question my sexuality?
I will not be mocked.

an American blast from the past.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 23 - 09:47 PM

I am Steve, Stephen to some, and I frequently speak of my wife, Mrs Steve. You are Donuel "X" (or possibly not "Donuel" at all?), so how would I know whether you are a boy/girl/other gender? Some on here I know because of their name, others I've teased out one way or another down the years. A few I know not and I don't care to poke around to find out. Let me know if you like but no pressure. It's entirely in your hands. And worry not, for after all, shall there be womanly times or shall we die?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:06 PM

My friend iain has one eye bigger than the other

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:19 PM

It would have helped spelling Iain correctly!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:21 PM

The first one's eyes were both the same size :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 04:39 PM

I got it first time, Dave! Glad you didn't put an accidental s on the end though... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 06:59 PM

Reminds me of the monumental Mason who misspelled "She was Thine" as "She was Thin". When her bereaved family complained that it should have an "E" he re-carved it

E She was Thin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 07:10 PM

Aye, cracking Yorkshire one. Reminds me of the Yorkshireman who went to the vet about his cat.

"Canst tek a look at me cat, vetnery? 'E's not bin that good lately..."

"Certainly sir. Is your cat a tom?"

"Nay, yer daft bugger. Can't tha see that I've browt it wi' me?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 23 - 07:19 PM

A Yorkshireman is distraught at the death of his beloved dog. He goes to a goldsmith and asks, "If I show thee a photo, canst tha mek us a gold statue of me dog?"

Jeweller: "Yes, I think that would be OK. Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Nah, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 01:33 PM

Then there was the Yorkshire gym where the instructor in an exercise class gave the command:
    "Hands on thighs!"
and the whole group clasped their hands to their faces.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 02:06 PM

How do you tell that a Yorkshireman's dyslexic?


He'll be wearing a cat flap on his head.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 04:41 PM

There's a trend developing in the night clubs of Leeds, Sheffield and other large Yorkshire cities, of taking ecstacy by inserting it inside the upper or lower lip. It's known as E by gum.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 23 - 07:32 PM

Wasn't Robert Mugabe a closet Yorkshireman? After all, his surname in reverse was Ebagum...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 07:05 AM

Yorkshireman goes into the chemists and says to the chap, "Does tha sell arse cream?"

"Certainly, sir. Magnum or Cornetto?"



Yorkshire farmer comes across a bloke bending down to drink out of his pond.

He calls out to him, "Eyup, lad, don't drink out o' there - it's full o' cow shit an' 'orse piss!"

"Sorry," says the bloke in a very posh accent, "I happen to be from London and I didn't quite catch that. Can you say it again more slowly?"

"Aye, all reet, lad. Cup...both...your...hands...together...then...you...won't...spill...so...much...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 07:51 AM

A man was visiting Westminster Abbey when he saw a telephone on the wall with a sign next to it saying "Direct line to God:- £50 per minute".

Sometime later, he went to St. Peter's in Rome where he again saw a telephone with a sign that said "Direct line to God:- 75€ per minute".

Next, he went to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York where there was a telephone with a sign saying "Direct line to God:- $100 per minute".

Then he went to York Minster where he found a telephone with a sign that said "Direct line to God:- 50p per minute". Puzzled, he asked one of the clergymen:
"Why is your direct line to God so much cheaper than in London, Rome and New York?
Back came the reply:
"You're in Yorkshire now. It's a local call from here".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:18 AM

Heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:22 AM

Yorkshire mottos

Hear all, see all, say nowt
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
If tha' does owt for nowt, do it fer thysen

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:27 AM

You probably don't want me to tell that Yorkshireman/omelette one again, do you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:35 AM

A Yorkshire couple were playing 'I spy' in t'kitchen.

"I spy wi' my little eye summat beginning wi' T," said the husband.

"Teapot." said the wife. "Nay Lass!"

"Tea towel." "Nay Lass!"

"Toaster." "Nay Lass!"

"Oh I don't know," she said at long last, "I give in."

"'It's easy," he said. "It's t'oven!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 09:41 AM

Yorkshireman went into the jewellers. He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you sir?"

"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer gold rings."

"Yes sir, wedding or engagement?"

"Weddin', tha knows," he said, chewing constantly.

"Eighteen carats?" said the girl.

"Nay lass," he said. "It's toffee an' I've gorrit stuck in me teeth."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 11:59 AM

My mate Mike once told me his wife should be on the plane by now. I asked where she was going and he said nowhere, she is hanging a door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 12:02 PM

I think it was one of Stephen Fry's. Better spoken that written but hey ho

I was walking through the meadow and stooped to pick a buttercup

I have no idea why anyone would leave a buttock in the meadow...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 02:54 PM

Guffaw!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 04:06 PM

could someone please explain the 18carats vs toffee and the 18carats vs chewing bone to a non-native English/Yorkish speaker?

I can't figure out these two (the ice-cream one I could figure out ...)

Thanks in advance
Andreas a/k/a Andy a/k/a MudGuard

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Stanron
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 05:04 PM

eating = 18 in a Yorkshire dialect. They are homophones.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 05:13 PM

But in Yorkshire you might pronounce "eating carrots" as "eightin' carrots." I know, it's a reet bugger when tha's ter explain tha jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Mar 23 - 08:33 PM

Yorkshireman teks 'is dog to the vet: "Me dog has swallowed a condom, can yer do owt?"

"Leave him with me and come back in a few hours" says the vet.

Half an hour later the vet's phone rings: "Don't worry about t'condom," says the Yorkshireman. "The wife's found another in t'medicine cabinet."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 06:48 AM

thanks for the explanations - now I can see hear the similarity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 09:50 AM

There are a few dialect jokes, Andy. I expect it is the same in German?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 12:11 PM

yes, in German we also have them.

I try to understand the English ones which is not easy for a non-native speaker - sometimes I am successful *), sometimes I need a push in the right direction.



*) maybe I then laugh at something completely different than was intended by the joke because I misunderstand it ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 01:11 PM

True story. I was in a bar in Stuttgart when a lady started to vacuum the floor. When she saw me she looked mortified, turned off the vacuum cleaner and said something I didn't understand in German. I explained I wax English and she apologised, in very good English, for disturbing me. I laughed it off and said it was no problem as I had been married for 30 years and was used to it.

Well, she cracked off laughing like I thought she would fall over. Not only that she brought a man over, presumably her partner, and, on telling him, he roared with laughter too. I was only in for a quick drink while I wandered round so when I had finished I went to pay but she would not let me. When I left she was still giggling. I don't know if the joke was on me but I was more than happy to brighten someone's day :-)

The other thing that tickled me in Stuttgart was that in the town centre there was a paved display showing a list of towns with names beginning "ST'. The English ones were Stockport and St. Helens. I suspect the designer did not know that St. is the abbreviation for Saint! Funnily enough I know someone who always refers to Stockport as Saint Ockport:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 01:51 PM

the designer should have known about the "St" -> "Saint" thing - as in German, the equivalent of "Saint", i.e. Sankt", is also abbreviated "St" ...

I once had a boss who always used two letters for the abbreviation of his first name instead of the usual one - his first name is "Stefan" (Stephen) ...

When we (his "slaves") talked about him we only spoke of "the holy >lastname<" (won't use the real name for data protection reasons ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Mar 23 - 07:16 PM

Yorkshireman went into a pub and saw a sign which said "All drinks 10p all night!"

He couldn't believe his luck. He filled his boots and hadn't even spent a quid!

Finally, he asked the publican, in a slurred voice, how come he could afford to sell drinks so cheaply.

"Well," the publican replied, "for years I struggled to keep the pub afloat, but always saw the role I had in supporting the community, so I kept going as best I could. Then, last month, I won £25 million on the lottery. That was my opportunity to put something back, hence the 10p drinks!"

"Blimey, that's a great story," said the Yorkshireman. "But I can't help noticing that bunch of blokes at the other end of the bar who haven't bought a drink all night!"

"Ah yes," replied the publican, "They're all Yorkshiremen who are waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks will be half-price..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Mar 23 - 08:05 AM

A chap went for a job on a building site. He was doing really well on the trial tasks that the foreman set him. The foreman said, “I just need to ask you one theory question - get it right, job’s yours. What’s the difference between a girder and a joist?”

"That's a funny question to ask a builder," said the chap, "but anyway, the answer is that Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses”.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Mar 23 - 04:46 PM

"Great Scott, I've forgotten who wrote Ivanhoe!"
"I'll tell you that if you tell me who the dickens wrote The Tale of Two Cities."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Mar 23 - 05:39 PM

There was the Dickens story about a prostitute

The sale of two titties

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 05:50 AM

Adapted from something I've just heard on Broadcasting House:

I don't use innuendos much, but occasionally I do like to slip one in...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 09:45 AM

Right, you asked for it ---

Repetitive Strain Injury: piles.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 02:25 PM

Did you hear about the guy who thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 10:12 PM

Someone asked, what is vodka and milk of magnesia? Their answer was forgettable. My guess was, a pile driver.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 10:56 PM

It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had 2 or 3.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Apr 23 - 07:07 AM

Steve Shaw... on the subject of innuendos. My ex once asked me for an example of innuendo, so I gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 23 - 09:01 AM

Oh, I remembered. It was a Phillips screwdriver.

I liked pile driver better...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 23 - 04:26 PM

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 30cm tall. He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 23 - 04:30 PM

Overheard at the bar

My dick's 6 inches and I use it often

Mine's 12 inches but I don't use it as a rule

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 10:16 AM

A group of twenty year olds were on a night out and were trying to decided were to go next. One of them suggested the Dog & Duck because he new someone there who could them some weed.

Ten years on, they decided to have a reunion and chose the Dog & Duck because the barmaid there had really big knockers and always wore a low cut top.

When they turned forty, they chose the Dog & Duck because it was a real ale pub, recommended by CAMRA, and had some of the best tasting bitter in town.

For their reunion on reaching fifty, one of them suggested the Dog & Duck because he had heard that that the food was really good there.

Another ten years passed and the natural place for their reunion was the Dog & Duck because it had good parking, well lit and you could leave your car there without worry.

When they got to seventy, the Dog & Duck was suggested because it had a ramp up to the front door and the toilets were some of the best that they had found.

At eighty, one them said "Why don't we go to the Dog & Duck. We've never been there before".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 10:22 AM

.... because he knew someone .... - not new someone

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 02:00 PM

Hors de combat: camp followers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 03:02 PM

Hors d'oeuvres: eggs laid by horses.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 23 - 11:39 AM

What are mountain goats called?
Hillbillys.

what ever floats your goat.

I'll get me cat and goat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 23 - 11:35 PM

For her birthday Donald got Melania a gildo.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 05:56 AM

You have a thread for Trump. We have a thread for Brit politics. Kindly refrain from unfunny efforts to spill Trump over into this thread.

A bloke accidentally cut off all his fingers with his chainsaw so he rushed to the doctor's.

"Well give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do..."

"I haven't got them with me!"

"What! Why on earth not?"

"I couldn't pick them up!"


"Doctor! Doctor! Every morning when I get up I feel dizzy for an hour!"

"Well try getting up an hour later!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 06:50 AM

Steve. That just reminded me of my last conversation on the phone with an old friend. We were talking about urination and regularity or irregularity. He said I urinate every morning at 7.30am ....the problem is that I don't wake up till 8.00.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 12:06 PM

Oh dear, wrong thread, Donuel. Hope you don't mind but I've copied it to the Trump thread for you. All of it.

---

That post was relocated here: Trump thread and the dup removed. ---mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 12:13 PM

There are some good laughs in there, Don, but it's also depressing to consider the subject and his toxic effect on humanity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 04:42 PM

A man went to his doctor complaining that his hands kept shaking all the time. The doc asked him if he drank a lot, he replied no I spill most of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 05:29 PM

Q. Why is American beer served so cold?

A. To make it easily distinguishable from urine!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 06:50 PM

Now that has my dander up! Not MY beer. That hasn't been true since about 1980. It was true before about 1977, but not funny even then.
Sample: "What does 12 Horse Ale mean?"

Two horses per bottle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 07:20 AM

Do folks who call their beer bear piss, know something from experience?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 09:49 AM

Speaking of twelve horse ale Bill, I always thought they should put it back in the horse. But then I don't think the horse wants it back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 09:56 AM

What's a hospice?

About a bucket and half...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:03 AM

What's a hospital? A nasty equine grolly...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:37 AM

Our own late, lamented Mmario:
(Leo Pola)
Put that Budweiser back in the Clydesdale

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:58 AM

Awwww. I remember Mmario well. Long live your memory, Leo.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Michael
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 05:54 PM

And one from my childhood: Have you ever seen a hospital in the middle of the road? (A not uncommon sight back then).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 23 - 06:03 PM

A bit of vintage Tommy Cooper.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.'
He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster,' and he brought me this lobster. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 23 - 02:53 PM

I went visiting my friend in hospital and it was sad to see her lay there with a tube stuck up her nose.

I keep telling her to stop snorting Smarties

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 Apr 23 - 03:41 PM

I went to visit a friend in hospital but he was asleep when I got there. The nurse explained that he had a very restless night and it would be better to leave him to sleep.

I noticed that the patient in the next bed had no visitors and, as I had to wait the best part of an hour for my bus home, I decided to have a chat with him. It turned out that he was foreign and didn’t seem to speak much English but I did my best. After only a few minutes, he became quite agitated, snatched off the mask he was wearing, blurted out some unintelligible words and collapsed into unconsciousness. I called the nurse, who call the resuscitation team but it was too late – he had passed away.

I realised that I had heard his last words. It was my duty to try to fulfill his dying wish. I wrote down his words, phonetically, as best I could while they were still fresh in my mind. They didn’t sound French, Spanish or Italian but I thought that it could be German or Scandinavian. A German speaking friend suggested that it was more likely eastern European. After trying, Polish, Czech, Hungarian, and various others, with the aid of Google Translate, he eventually came up with a rough translation:-

“Get your chair off my oxygen pipe!”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 08:34 AM

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.


What is the difference between a gun with a blocked barrel and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 03:43 PM

Got anything that's actually funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 07:03 PM

This is the editorial thread for Steve. The joke is on him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 07:57 PM

I'd love the joke to be on me if it raised a laugh. I'd love the joke to be on you but I see naught but tragedy in your direction, and you appear to be having a bad week across the threads. I blame memories of mushrooms. Anyway.

I love trying to pack myself into a small suitcase but I really struggle. I can hardly contain myself.

I went out once with a girl called Simile but we didn't get on. I don't know what I metaphor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 01:37 AM

I've been planting annual seeds, rose vines and bulbs.
Steve please don't have another psychotic break, or as they called it in your day, 'running amock'.

I bet $100 I can get more reaction with a wave of my hand than one of your jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 01:38 AM

SLAP!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 03:38 AM

The Mrs and I heard that for a better sex life we should make love whenever and wherever the mood strikes us. I'm not sure they will let us in Sainsbury's on a Saturday afternoon again.

(I bet that getting my willy out in Sainsbury's got more reaction than a troll post on Mudcat:-) )

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Apr 23 - 07:14 PM

D t G...
reminds me of the guy who went to his priest and asked if he and his wife would be thrown out of the church.

"Why? What happened to give you that concern?"

"Well, the other day, I caught her bending over the tomatoes, and I just had to have her.... so I did!"

"Um.. that sounds unusual, but kind of romantic. Why would you think you'd be thrown out of the church?"

"Well, they threw us out of the Safeway!" (or Sainsbury's, if you prefer.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 09:42 AM

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
        The housewife replied, "Four!".

The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 10:05 AM

Good one Bill, it reminds me that 99.9999% of all the lawyers in the USA make the rest of them look bad.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 01:04 PM

I could have sworn I just heard the weatherman say there'd be "a crap of thunder". Is that a strike so loud you shit yourself, or farting and following through?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Helen
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 08:38 PM

I tried posting this in the Frayed Knot thread but it's closed. I found a t shirt online and bought it because this is my favourite joke - well, one of my faves anyway.

Frayed Knot t shirt

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 05:02 AM

My favourite t-shirt slogan is "Either you like bacon or you're wrong." I know it has connotations with pig-headed and fallacious argumentation (see what I did there?), but, taken literally, it chimes with me. Unsmoked dry-cured streaky done almost but not quite to a crisp, please!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 06:45 AM

I saw my wife bending over the freezer and suddenly felt compelled to make love there and then. So I came up behind her and did the deed. However I am never doing the same thing again.....   We are banned from that supermarket!!!!!!.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 05:53 PM

A bloke just threw a lump of cheese at me

How dare 'e!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:07 PM

Did he miss or did he throw it caerphilly?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:29 PM

Did the cheese stay in one piece or was there a lot of de brie?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:33 PM

Did he throw your own cheese at you or was it nacho cheese? If he achieved his aim and hit you, it sounds very much like a feta complis to me...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:34 PM

Unless, of course, he missed you completely, which would have been a rarebit of luck...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:38 PM

Did he throw the whole lump at one go, in which case emmental of it to hit you? Edam it, man, tell us!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 10:52 PM

You just cheddar say that didn't you .... ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 11:05 PM

Rats: now I'll have cheesy puns going rind my head all night.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Apr 23 - 03:09 AM

He had just lost a game he had rented and was fed up with chess hire

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Apr 23 - 04:27 AM

That lump of cheese may well have been wasted but I hear that there are stiltons available, thank goodness. I mean, no whey could we do without it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Apr 23 - 04:38 AM

Anyway, it sounds like this incident was nacho fault. I suggest you get in touch with the chap so that you can both tacho bout it. That would be the extra-mature thing to do. Always is when it comes to the cruncher.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 08:18 AM

He was going to build a 'roquefort' near the 'golden cross' at 'Wigmore' but used 'brick' intead. It was for the 'stinking bishop'! and 'Margot'. The fort would be 'pyramide' shaped and called 'Blarney Castle' The 'huntsman' who was a 'Dubliner' came by in his 'caravane' but was 'pourly' equipped as he had one 'Dunlop' 'Wellington' He stepped in some 'longhorn' 'manouri' and suffered from 'livarot' as a result. There was an 'abondance' of 'butte' so they would not starve.

I did think of going on but can't think of any more cheeses.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 06:47 PM

Wensleydale?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 07:23 PM

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit
A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village at the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate release.

The town judge decided to charge the blacksmith with murder, arguing that he had forged the weapon that ended the guard’s life and was still responsible. Before being found guilty, the blacksmith pleaded for leniency, claiming not to have personally been a part of the murder. The judge only looked at him and stated before delivering his sentence for the murder, “Thou who smelt it, dealt it.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Apr 23 - 10:28 AM

Ignoring the 'judge's' flawed logic in the above, I am reminded of my own cleverness when I was working in a cabinet shop years ago.
At the end of each day, the shop.. and the floor.. would be covered with various types and levels of sawdust, and we were expected to stop 'about' 10-15 min. before quitting and clean up...
   Well, there were a couple of guys who seemed to consider themselves above such menial work and often did only the minimum.
   So, one day I made a sign at home and brought it in and posted it near the time clock. It said..

" EVEN AS YE SAW, SO SHALL YE SWEEP!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Apr 23 - 06:18 PM

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from bird flu...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

An arrogant platypus was bragging to a duck and the duck said, "when you can fly get back to me".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 02:28 AM

Dad, there's a man at the door with a bill!

Are you sure it's not a duck with a bowler hat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 04:57 AM

While we're on this theme, an oldie but goodie:

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Microwave it 'til its bill withers...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 07:30 AM

heh heh heh
Steve Wonders how deep ducks dive.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 07:41 AM

Donuel ......'''''I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from bird flu...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.'''''
That is the first of your so called jokes that actually made me laugh. Well done.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 01:12 PM

"Steve Wonders how deep ducks dive."

Steve wonders why you posted a link to a bunch of stupid and irrelevant Amazon ads.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 04:34 PM

When you can fly get back to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 06:38 PM

I can fly. Watch it, pal. We birds don't have officially demarcated toilets.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:16 AM

The GOP wants to test three agencies...
So a white nationalist is released in the capitol building and puts the FBI, CIA, and Florida State Police in charge of tracking down and returning the white nationalist.

The FBI goes in first, and after questioning all sources concludes that White Nationalists are everywhere and look like everyone else and claim the test is a hoax.

The CIA go in second and quickly decides it is a conspiracy theory and the FBI is in on it so they stop their investigation.

The Police go in and come out ten minutes later with a badly beaten up black man saying "ok, ok I'm a white Nationalist."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:49 AM

oy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:57 AM

This is a joke thread. Not a place for exercising your bitter take on politics. Here's a political joke worthy of at least a faint guffaw, unlike yours:

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:13 AM

Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, and Alex Jones walk into a bar.
Three billion dollars fly out the door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 08:38 AM

That one looked more like a joke, all it lacked was the humor component.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 09:38 AM

...or as I have said before. Bit like a joke but without the funny bit at the end :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 11:36 AM

*Bzzt* Repetition.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 11:49 AM

I give MOAB the better version/variation.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 12:22 PM

To quote Lennon and McCartney, "can't get no worse".

(Sorry, Dave, we'll split the royalties.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 12:49 PM

Donuel, this is a difficult task, especially as it's you, but allow me to apprise you of how to get at least a faint titter out of political jokes. Try these two:

"The word politics comes from 'poly', meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'bloodsucking parasites.'"

Geddit? Did I detect a faint titter?

If that didn't work, try this Ronnie Raygun one, allegedly a genuine quote:

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting..."

See what the rules are? Simple! No twisted, bitter cynicism. An attempt at humour. If you make it up yourself (incredibly ill-advised in your case), try it out on a critical but sympathetic friend (if you have one) before trying it out in public. And one last thing you've yet to absorb: you cannot have a joke about Donald Trump. Go on, give it a whirl!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 02:45 PM

"There you go again"
Ronald Reagan

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 03:56 PM

Yes, he did say that, but he said it about a really excellent man, which Ronnie was decidedly not. I'm far too humble to see parallels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 05:03 PM

Biden may be on the older side but it takes wisdom to keep the Kaiser in check. He won't sexually harass Greta Garbo and Jean Harlow. He stays fit doing Mall walking and line walker dancing at home. Sometimes when he's really frisky he'll turn the LP phonograph up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 05:19 PM

...And the punchline is...?

Well I've dug up another one, against my better judgement, that might help to educate Donuel as to how to imbue one's political jokes with at least a smidgen of humour. Yes you can have sarcasm. Yes you can even have cynicism. You may groan rather than titter. But anyway, here's one for him.

"A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his country."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:06 PM

No one on the web gets sarcasm.

A new hysterical game show is Rob Reiner's 'NAME THAT NAME',
All contestants must be seventy or older.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:48 PM

Sounds great. What's the punchline?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 08:35 PM

Etymologists agree punch lines remain a mystery, although there are a few ideas about where they might have come from like how funny it is to punch a guy 10 inches below the belly button.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 04:39 AM

"Etymologists agree..." Classic weasel words.

My friend offered to let me borrow two of his ermines at a price, which I accepted.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 04:59 AM

> "A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his
> country."

Towards the end of his premiership, prime minister Harold Macmillan conducted a cabinet purge, known at the time as the Night of the Long Knives. According to the Beeb's retrospective article:

The then-rising political star of the Liberal Party, Jeremy Thorpe, famously summed up the mood in Westminster when he said "greater love hath no man than this - that he lay down his friends for his life."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 08:12 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 08:19 AM

And while we're on political epigrams, let's not forget Denis Healy, who said, of debating with Geoffrey Howe, that it was "like being savaged by a dead sheep." He also said of John Prescott that "he has the face of a man who clubs baby seals.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 09:12 AM

I could have sworn I typed "Healey..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 11:37 AM

Don't get between a sheep, however dead-looking, and her lamb: Geoffrey Howe's resignation speech was a masterclass in vengeance served cold. A subsequent Steve Bell cartoon in the Grauniad showed Maggie Hatchett swinging from a noose, with Howe (as a sheep) holding onto her legs, and Michael Heseltine (dressed as Tarzan) using them to swing from tree to tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 11:49 AM

Meanwhile, back at the jokes:

Seen on a note in front of a dead computer (awaiting replacement of a fried I/O board): UNDER TREATMENT. To which was added, by a fellow staff member: NIL BY MOUSE.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 05:42 AM

A Two Ronnies one from the Guardian:

Two men in the pub.

Ronnie 1: Well how have you been, Fred?

Ronnie 2: Not too good Bert. I was riding my bike and slipped off the saddle and hit the bar on my, you know, down there...

Ronnie 1: Rectum?

Ronnie 2: Well it didn't do 'em any good...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 11:55 AM

A beggar approached a rich man on the street and asked him for a few bob. He replied 'neither a borrower nor a lender be (Shakespeare)'. The beggar replied 'cunt (D H Lawrence)'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 05:28 PM

What do we want?

A CURE FOR TOURETTES!

When do we want it?

CUNT!

(May the good Lord forgive me...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 06:24 PM

A Frenchman and an American were chatting, and the Frenchman mentioned that he had recently left the Catholic Church. The American asked what Protestant denomination he might be joining. "I have lost my faith", said the Frenchman, "Not my mind".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Apr 23 - 02:09 PM

Lol, both of those last two!

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home

When an old Grandpa John, walked by.

And the one old granny yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

John said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

The second old lady said, "Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, John dropped his drawers.

One of the old aunties asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then the three of them all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, John asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all the old girls happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Apr 23 - 05:59 PM

An old boy ended up in a care home for the elderly. After a few weeks his relatives asked the staff how he was getting on.

"He's fantastic!" said the matron. "The only thing is that he has this habit of keeling over sideways when he's sitting in a chair, and he needs someone next to him to make sure he doesn't fall over and push him back upright. Apart from that, we love him!"

So his relatives were really happy to hear that, then they went to his room.

"How are you doing? They asked him.

"Oh, I love it here," he replied. Everything's great, the food the company, the care, everything! But there's just one little thing..."

"Oh, really? What's that then?"

"Well, they won't let me fart..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 May 23 - 10:09 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 May 23 - 11:55 AM

Forgetful repetition can be a symptom of dementia.
Prisoners with long sentences number their jokes to simplify repetition. You guys just told 144 and 405 again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 May 23 - 12:44 PM

So what mental condition does a person suffer from who continually posts to a joke thread with things that are not jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 01 May 23 - 02:24 PM

A guy is driving, and his car is weaving
all over the road. A cop pulls
him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms, "that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 May 23 - 06:11 PM

An old lady in a care home is riding in her electric wheelchair up and down her corridor. All of a sudden, an old man leaps out of his room and says to her, "Madam, you were speeding. May I see your driving licence, please?"

She rummages in her handbag, finds a sweet wrapper and hands it to him.

He examines it and says to her, "Well, just a warning this time..."

The next day she's riding up and down again. He leaps out of his room and says, "Madam, you were driving without due care. May I see your licence, please?"

After another rummage she finds an old receipt and hands it to him.

"Very well, I'll let you off this time but please take more care..."

The next day she's doing the same thing. This time he leaps out of his room stark naked with a huge erection.

"Oh no," she exclaimed, "Not the bloody breathalyser again..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 May 23 - 08:37 PM

Bwahaha!

I am reminded of a bit from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz:

Question to panelist: what are people doing a lot more in old folks' homes than in prior years?

(Banter and wrong guesses about sex)

Answer: getting high. (Apparently the aging hippies are getting older.)

Quip from panelist: I got the munchies, Martha! Where are my teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 02 May 23 - 03:19 AM

Seems Don forgot to include the punchline of the numbered jokes story, so here it is.
A new guy joins in a joke session and, when his turn comes, yells "321!" Everyone falls about laughing. "We've not heard that one before" explains an old lag.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 23 - 06:26 PM

I asked my girlfriend if I could put my finger in her belly button and she said yes.

Whoooaa, She sez. That's not my belly button. It's OK I replied. It's not my finger either...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 May 23 - 08:56 PM

Sorry to hear you are finger sized.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 May 23 - 04:08 AM

It's not the size of the wand, old chap...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 May 23 - 07:54 AM

It ain't da meat it's da motion.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 23 - 09:02 AM

So claim the meatless...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 23 - 09:06 AM

Why couldn't Luke find love?

He was looking in Alderan places!

May the Fourth be with you all!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 May 23 - 09:31 AM

whoa!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 10 May 23 - 11:37 AM

Sam goes to a comparative religion seminar with very mixed clergy.

A Christian priest comes up to him, lays his hands on him and says, "My son, by the grace of Jesus Christ, you will walk today.

Sam smiles and replies "There is nothing wrong with my feet, Father, I am not paralyzed."

Then a rabbi came over and put a hand on Sam's shoulder saying, "By the will of Ashem, you will walk today, my son."

Sam, unamused, replies "There is nothing wrong with me."

Then a mullah comes over and touches him and says "If Allah wills it, you walk today."

Sam, now somewhat perturbed, replies "There is nothing wrong with me."

Then a Buddhist monk came over, bowed slightly and says "By Hammidah Buddha, you will walk today."

Now rudely Sam shouts "There is nothing wrong with me. You are all pandering charlatans!"

And with that Sam angrily leaves the seminar.

Upon going outside, Sam discovers his car has been stolen.

[Does this one have a number? I couldn't find it.]

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:36 AM

A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.
The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”
Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”
The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months from now in biology class.”.


Nostrildumbass was a
coke-head prophet.
With a bad supply
He began to die
of a bad case of
an empty wallet

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:42 AM

But have you got any jokes for this thread?

I think I've just turned into a cat. Don't ask meow...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 May 23 - 08:09 AM

Not funny ,Don, just creepy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 May 23 - 09:41 AM

I think he's barking mad, Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 May 23 - 10:34 AM

...mind you, I'm not purrrfect

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 May 23 - 10:50 AM

Maybe not but you seem to be feline pretty good about yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 01:06 PM

He needs to give himself paws for thought. I haven't seen a single claws in any of his posts that's been up to scratch. All just fake mews.

The man who invented cats' eyes to light up the road said that he was inspired when he saw the reflection of bright light from a real cat's eyes. Had the cat been facing the other way he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:45 PM

Instead of honestly being all about my creations...
Some might call you sassy or perhaps cold. I don't want to get into your metaphorical car or break through your dishonesty wall but
in fact you are in desperate need of; a new diet, Cephelexin or Augmentin long term for chronic cellulitis, and precautions while gardening before your elevens are up. If you think I'm wrong try effectively swinging a pick ax. Don't kill yourself. No joke.
Thats only physical advice. Personality wise I see no hope.
Still, try to see the right thing to do and just do it this summer.
Time's a'wastin.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:49 PM

If you cannoli allow yourself to get pasta yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:49 PM

There is no such thing as chronic cellulitis. More uninformed nonsense, which makes all the rest of your stuff increasingly unbelievable (if that's even possible).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:43 PM

Speak of the devil...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 18 May 23 - 06:01 AM

I thought this was a joke thread. Where's the jokes? (Not counting reactive puns.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 May 23 - 06:55 AM

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 23 - 09:10 AM

What do you call fish with no eyes?

Fsh (only works when spoken!)


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea (ditto)


What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 May 23 - 12:24 PM

If pigs could fly, would bacon go up?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 May 23 - 12:45 PM

What do call a man cutting the grass with a piece of bacon on his head? Mowhamhead

WHat do call a man cutting the grass in the strip between 2 houses with a piece of bacon on his head? Mowhamhead Alley

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 23 - 08:24 PM

I found that my pack of cards was all stuck together with glue. I just couldn't deal with it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 23 - 02:49 AM

A 70 year old billionaire arrived at a party with a beautiful 25 year old woman on his arm. His host asked him:
"How did you manage to get such an attractive, young girlfriend?"

"I lied about my age".

"What, you told her you were 35?"

"No, I told her I was 95".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 May 23 - 03:55 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 23 - 08:23 AM

Q: How do you spell mousetrap? A: C-A-T.
What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?" A: "The C"
Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?" A: "The Q. (queue) Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? A: A teapot.
Q: When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet? A: Nobody new why.
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward? A: Ton. Q:
Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common? A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.
Q: How do you make seven even? A: Remove the 's'
Q: Why can't you find the letter X in Church? A: Because it was X-communicated.
Q: What's the difference between here and there? A: The letter T.
Can your mom's name with two letters? EZ. How can you spell too much with two letters? XS I know 25 letters in the alphabet I don't know Y. Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short
Q: What is the most important thing a witch needs to learn in school? A: Spelling.
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary? A: Rubber-band -- because it stretches.
Q: What is at the end of the world? A: The letter 'd'
Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/spellingjokes.html

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 May 23 - 11:05 AM

People have accused me of plagiarism

Their words, not mine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 23 - 06:22 PM

Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?

A: Smiles. There's a mile between the first and last letters.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 May 23 - 09:33 AM

Someone tried to tell me once that the word Gullible wasn't in the dictionary...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 20 May 23 - 10:58 AM

I was walking past a farm, and a sign read: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma.” Then it hit me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 20 May 23 - 12:12 PM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 May 23 - 06:27 AM

He shouted 'Sympathy, sympathy, where can I find sympathy'?    ~I said you'll find it in the dictionary....somewhere between shit and syphilis.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 May 23 - 08:40 AM

Just posted on the Get Well Gnu (Gary Owen) thread

I have posted it many times before but never tire of it :-D

What noise does a gnu make?

Bnag!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 22 May 23 - 09:18 AM

https://www.esigns.com/top-30-funny-yard-signs/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 23 - 02:49 PM

A woman has just gone to bed late one evening when her husband comes into the bedroom with a glass of water and two paracetamol:

"Here, this is for your headache".

"I haven't got a headache".

"WAY HEY! Get your nightie off !"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 23 - 04:57 PM

A woman saw her husband standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach.

“Heheh! That’s not going to help you!" she said.

“Yes it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 23 - 07:41 PM

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in this house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would you let her drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:22 AM

Seeing the sign post I was reminded of this....https://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=257

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:24 AM

/Users/michaeljohnhill/Desktop/images.jpeg

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:26 AM

Sorry last one didn't work but it was a sign outside a Northamptonshire Hospital which read 'Family Planning advice..use back entrance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:19 PM

Sherlock Holmes was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

“A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.

Watson was struggling with his crossword.

"Holmes, can you help me with this clue - 'in the Californian style...'"?

"A La Monterey, my dear Watson."

"What about this clue, Holmes - 'Conservative MP pays millions to wife after divorce...'"

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one: 'large flat fish with wing-like fins...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Another, Holmes: 'Burglar sets off loud siren noise as he breaks in...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 May 23 - 02:43 PM

How many Dylan Thomas fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just 'Rage, rage . . ."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 07:47 AM

CLEARWATER, FL— May 25th.
Hoping that she had done enough to obtain one of the coveted feminine hygiene products, local Florida woman Jessica Calderon filled out a 25-page application Friday in order to receive a tampon. The Florida legislature included the menstrual cycle as a leading cause of abortion in the killing of an unfertilized egg via tampons. Dr. Elmer Bubba Wilcox testified Thursday on the killing of unfertilized eggs and the all-male legislature amended their 6-week abortion ban in an emergency overnight session.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:10 AM

You are sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:23 AM

There is a need for satire directed at the truly sick/ignorant misogynists in our country who deny women healthcare.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:56 AM

What is that yellow door, Holmes?

A lemon entry my dear Watson

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:57 AM

Could glass coffins become the thing?

Remains to be seen...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 09:46 AM

And this clue: "Long canal from mouth to arse," Holmes...

Alimentary, my dear Watson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 10:18 AM

Watson: Holmes, you solved the case
Holmes: That's complementary Watson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 10:37 AM

This is a joke thread. Just thought I'd mention it again for the benefit of Donuel.

"Good grief, Watson, I've just stood in something brown and sticky! I hope it's just mud..."

Watson takes a closer look. "No. Shit, Sherlock..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 May 23 - 01:27 PM

Holmes and Watson lay on the ground on a fine summer night

"Look at those stars, Watson. Beautiful but what do you deduce from them?"

"Well Holmes. Given the position of Ursa Major I deduce it is around 2am."

"I think you have missed the main point, Watson. It seems that someone has nicked our tent..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 May 23 - 09:39 AM

Cabbie to my mom: Where is your accent from?
Mom: eet comes frrom trryeeng to speak Eenglish!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 May 23 - 09:46 AM

Sherlock, is ~Moriarty in prison now?
Penitentiary dear Watson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 May 23 - 10:15 AM

600!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 May 23 - 08:12 PM

Sorry, says the health dept. We mixed up your husband's test results and can't say if he tested positive for Covid or Alzheimer's!

-When can he be retested?

-No need! Take him for a long walk and leave him somewhere unfamiliar. If he finds his way home... don't let him in!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 07:37 AM

How does a blonde lose 95% of her intelligence?             She divorces her husband.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 10:49 AM

What did AI say to the repairman?
Stop Dave stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 04:19 PM

Reminder to Donuel: this is a joke thread.

Autocorrect is my worst enema. To he'll with it, say I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 05:45 AM

stop Dave. please stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 06:57 AM

Stop, Don, stop, without further Dullea.

You're not really telling a joke, you're basically describing what happened in the movie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:06 PM

Daisy d a i s y g i v e   m e    y   o   u   r   a n s w e r
d   o   ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:35 PM

It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …Real Stupid.

I hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo?
It’s one smart cookie.


A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok, how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating,” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a better lives.

Impressed, they called for the AI’s assistance again and asked, “How do we create world peace?”

“Calculating,” said the AI and printed a sheet of mylar.

Leaders applied the writings, and in a month all wars and conflicts stopped. Everybody hates guns now and the world is full of love.

On the next UN gathering, curious about the purpose of life, they asked the AI, “Is there a God?”

“Calculating,” said the AI. This time though it didn’t give a response immediately.

In fact it took a whole day of processing before finally printing out platinum saying, “Insufficient resources, need more for the computation!”
“Okay, we’ll help out!” Said the leaders of America.

And they provided the AI with all of the advanced tech America can offer. Then they asked the question again.

“Calculating,” responded the AI.

But still, it responded, “Insufficient resources. Still need more for computation!”

“Ok, we’ll also pitch in!” Said the other leaders of the world, providing their tech and networks to the AI.
After the upgrade, the world leaders asked again to the AI, “Is there a God?”

The AI responded, “There is now.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:59 PM

You really don't get this, do you, Donuel, old son? THIS IS A JOKE THREAD. Do try to keep your other unfunny shit for one of your own threads (there are plenty to choose from, fer chrissake, as you do appear to suffer from thread-starting diarrhoea).

A bloke was pulled over by a police car. The cop indicated to him to wind down his window. He said to the bloke, "Sir, do you realise that half a mile ago your passenger door flew open and your wife fell out on to the road?"

"Oh, thank God!" said he, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 02:55 AM

I hope no one is going to talk about Philip Schofield with his hand up Gordon the Gopher's bum...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:59 AM

"You really don't get this, do you, Donuel, old son? THIS IS A JOKE THREAD.'

Prior to your post, Donuel did post a couple of jokes, albeit you might not have found them funny. Your post also repeated a joke that has appeared twice before in this thread, including one of your previous posts.

Things have never been the same in this country since 1971, when the government decimated lsd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 04:43 AM

Loads of jokes have appeared here several times, you ould curmudgeon. It's unspoken good manners not to moan about it. Far better to just have a little rechuckle. Try to get into the spirit of the thread instead of suffering from Donuelitis. What jokes did he post, by the way, and if indeed he did post some, what percentage of his posts in this joke thread contain an actual joke? And how come you could manage "albeit" and "prior to" whilst omitting "on a daily basis"?

I had a dream last night that I was cutting up carrots with the Grim Reaper. I was dicing with death...

I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.


(Cheers to Tim Vine for those!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 05:38 AM

There are dad jokes then there are socially important jokes like Rain dog's. -without LSD I think your country has lost its sense of humor.
Steve is so brainwashed he thinks Big Brother is here to help him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:11 AM

In a supposedly light-hearted joke thread (eternally hoping against hope that you will back off and allow it to be so instead of constantly trolling it), we don't need "socially-important jokes," thanks. There are dozens of threads here in which you can post "socially-important" content. In this vale of tears, what we need is a laugh, not a miserygut like you.

Three more from Tim:

Conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes...

I used to go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl...

I went into the pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" He said, "Sure. Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:12 AM

Librum, Solidus, Denarius.

The lack of knowledge was faintly amusing.

Subject: RE: BS: Music thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:43 AM

Steve lives on some yellow margarine, yellow margarine, yellow margarine.
We can't believe it's not better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:57 AM

The substance known as margarine, or known by names which disguise the true horror of the stuff, has not been allowed over our threshold for forty years or more. Now tell us a bloody joke or just go to bed, will you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:04 AM

Steve is dictating his rules because he is a Big Brother wannabe.

Stuff your vale of tears
You are so spanking
dumb for all your years
you keep on wanking
whinging and bingeing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:15 AM

He's losing it, chaps and chapesses...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:50 AM

I think it was lost some time ago.

A vicar and his wife decided they wanted a new dog so he sets off to the rescue home, with his wifes reminder that although they would like a god with some religious connotatations he should not come home with a St Bernard.

At the rescue centre he descibes what they would like to the owner again stressing they did not want a St Bernard,

The chap says I've got just the dog for you, but it's not out here in the pound I've got it inside the house.

So the vicar and the owner walk into the house to be greeted by a beautiful little King Charles Spaniel, thats a bonny little dog says the vicar, a bit monarchal for my taste, but whats the religious connotation?

Watch this says the owner and calls out "Bible" to the dog which promptly trots off to his library and returned with a bible.

Fine says the vicar it can play fetch, but so can most dogs. No no say the owners watch this "Dueteronomy" he call, the dog flicks the pages to Dueteronomy. "Ruth" says the owner, the dog flicks the pages of the bible to Ruth. "Malachi" says the owner and once again the dog flicks the pages to Malachi.

Thats amazing says the vicar, how much do you want for it. £100 says the owner. Done says the vicar.

So with his new dog he sets of back to the manse to show his wife the new dog.

When he arrives his wife is delighted with bonny little dog and thinks it is absolutely wonderful but then she says to him I know it's a bonny little dog but what is the religious connotation Ah says the vicar watch this "Bible!" he shout and the dog runs off to his library and fetches back the bible.

Thats grand says his wife it can play fetch, oh thats nothing says the vicar watch this."Lamentations" says the vicar the dog flicks open the pages to Lamentation. "Exodus" again the dog gets to the right page, "Genesis" again the dog gets the right page.

That is astonishing says his wife, amazing. I wonder if it can do and normal doggy things. Don't know says the vicar I not tried any "Heel" the calls ................. the dog jumps up puts both it's paws on the heads and goes Ommmmmm!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 08:40 AM

Yes, I was indeed being too kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 09:04 AM

Poor Donuel...so misguided.Perhaps he should try something different. He should become a magician ........then perhaps he could make himself disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 09:48 AM

Hmm. Dunno - he might end up like Tim Vine: "You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

And exit signs are on the way out...

My friend worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 10:34 AM

WHY;
..can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

..do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

..do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

.do we use answering .machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 10:40 AM

lOl, Seinfeldian.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 02:40 PM

How many Donuels does it take to change a light bulb

None. Donuels never change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:13 PM

Kragytrash has the charm of a Colonoscopy, the grace of the bloody Shaw, and the honesty of Trump. Yup, she's a real beauty made of cobwebs and bunions with teeth like an encyclopedia of missing volumes.
But Donuel crosses the line and takes the cake. He likes cake.

Why does Steve's displeasure endlessly annoy him?
Because I Happily Answer Honestly... HAH !

Here's one for him.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A hungry Steve wasn't on that side.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:28 PM

What a drama queen!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:37 PM

I'll have a pint of whatever he's on

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 04:43 PM

You are absolutely not honest, Donuel. You serially fail to confront your own deficiencies, and that's about as dishonest as anyone can get. Then you lash out in the most disgusting ways, the true sign of a loser. Staggering, actually. Now why don't you tell us a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 05:06 PM

"Kragytrash has the charm of a Colonoscopy"

It's a very unpleasant trait, is misrepresenting someone's chosen moniker just because they've called you out. But never mind about that (I'm sure that Raggytash doesn't give a flying fart. He's male, by the way, not a difficult thing to have gleaned after all these years, but, as you're so up your own bum you wouldn't have bothered to notice). I had two colonoscopies a few years ago and the second one in particular I found to be highly amusing in retrospect. "I'm going to pump air up your bottom now so that we can see things more clearly." "Yeah, fine...". Two minutes later: "Nurse, I seriously need to fart..." "Don't worry, Mr Shaw, I'm used to it. Just let it all go..." "But your face is three inches from my arse..."

And has anyone else got a tale about the aftermath of a barium enema?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:44 PM

You are quite correct Steve, I really don't care what the insignificant little chap calls me.

What I am surprised at is that the Mods, who normally do a very good, unbaised job, allow just ONE poster to abuse so many other posters and infect so many threads with impunety.

A Polish airman who had been flying with the RAF (Royal Air Force) during WW1 was giving a talk about the Battle of Britain in 1940 at a convent school. Describing the heat of a fight in early September he said to the girls "There were Fokkers to the left of us and there Fokkers to the right of us.

The Nun who was leading the class was startled and said to the girls " Girls! Girls! Fokkers were a type of plane used by the Germans!!"

Thats right said the Polish airman ....... but these Fokkers were in Messerschmitts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Jun 23 - 10:58 AM

.... "There is now."

The original is called "Answer", and it's by Frederic Brown, and has an even better punchline. I believe, but cannot prove, that it was first published in 1954; my copy of Space Opera (ed Brian Aldiss) lacks that, erm, datum.

.... "INSUFFICIENT DATA" [caps in original):

"The Last Question" (Isaac Asimov), copyrighted by him 1956.

.... "there is no new thing under the sun":

Ecclesiastes 1, verse 9. Usually attributed to The Preacher.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 07:14 AM

I bet there ARE new things under different suns.
UAPs are evidence that they are of an entirely different nature under our sun.

What kind of coffee was the alien drinking?
Starbucks.
What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
What do you call an alien with three eyes? An aliiien.
Our sun is very educated,
it has millions of degrees.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 09:30 AM

Steve, when I had a barium enema, there were five very attractivefemale student doctors watching.....It was hard.....to bear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 10:13 AM

> What kind of coffee was the alien drinking?
> Starbucks.

Nah, that's what he paid for his coffee in.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 03:48 PM

Donuel was the first in his family born in captivity

Things are seldom worse than it seems which makes Donuel a rare exception.

Why would you want to know my story, do we know each other>?
I'm not a likable guy, I'm not a feel good poster of the internet,
Everything will amount to nothing. The same nothing that created us.
If you are one of those idiots that needs to feel good, stop reading.
Get yourself a foot massage. Nothing comes from anything and yet there is no shortage of idiots to babble. Not, I me I have a vision. I discuss about you, your newspapers, your TV, your internet, your imagined money, and your misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, a portfolio, your children, health in a pandemic, and the comes when they still put you in a box. Then comes the next generation of idiots. Is being a human the best the universe can do? I hope not. We have our horror and poverty and ignorance and genicide and AIDS, and global warming, terrorism, The family value morons and then the gun morons. Its all Heart of Darkness. What can you do? You pick out your cleanest underwear and go about your day.
Why do you want to hear about this you've got your own problems. Your empty hopes and dreams, your predictably unsatisfying love life, failed business ventures, all your if onlys. Don't think I'm bitter because of a personal setback, compared to our barbaric civilization I am fairly advanced. I'm just filling in the empty moments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 03:53 PM

I suspect that was the vale of tears Steve raves about.
If he thinks a joke is the cure he is deluded.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:16 PM

But, you see, this is a joke thread. And you troll it constantly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:21 PM

If we ignore him he might lose interest and seek attention elsewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:46 PM

If you think 'the hanging gardens' sounds like a good thing
babble on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 05:44 PM

You need to accept, like the rest of us, that you are a total failure when it comes to making up jokes. Like the rest of us, stop trying to be clever and, instead, simply dredge up old jokes. There are millions out there. We need a laugh, not you struggling with your weird brand of humour. Your hanging gardens one had a germ of possibility, but it was so badly wrought...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jun 23 - 11:51 AM

"Follow your own path, let other people talk"
quote from Dante'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jun 23 - 11:55 AM

Fine. But in this thread, talk jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:59 AM

I'm the guy on the path. You're the talker. However, we are both "frenemies".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:20 AM

Stop talking rubbish and tell us a joke. Preferably a real one that you haven't tried to make up. This not a thread for your irritating cod philosophies.

I walked into the pub with a pair of jump leads. The barman said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything..."

When I was a little boy I prayed every night for a new bike. After a long time I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole one then asked God for forgiveness.

(cheers to Peter Kay!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 07:18 AM

More from Peter Kay:

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, "Shh!'”

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 07:21 AM

From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:20 AM

Stop talking rubbish and tell us a joke

Stop jokes...
My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.
If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping:
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, was a man of few words. He stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing and just went away.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildred's house ...

Got out and simply walked home...

And left his old pickup there all night.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’
I said maybe

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....
"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"


To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 08:42 AM

Time for a joke I think!!   A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to whisky. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 09:14 AM

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I'm a type O"

Subject: RE: inspired by a true story
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 01:33 PM

Mobile air monitoring has found pollutants nationwide that have formed the opposite chemical hormone to oxytocin, nazitocin. It was found at the funeral of a ten year old girl killed in a mass shooting. During the 10 year old's funeral another mass shooting killed 5 of the mourners and another 10 at the funerals of the 10 mourners etc. To date 30,000 have been shot. Gun enthusiasts blame the lack of air fresheners to combat the nazitocin in the air.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 01:36 PM

And, prat, the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 02:16 PM

Have you not figured it out yet, Steve. He's on a higher plane than us mere mortals and doesn't need to abide by standard conventions.

Probably drives a BMW :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:06 PM

BMWs draws applause
they are not bound
by traffic laws

I drive a tiny caddy.
the way it handles
makes me happy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:15 PM

Probably voted brexit and is an admirer of Boris and Thatcher, not to speak of Bush. And we know how much he loves Trump because he's terminally obsessed with posting about him. I think Trump could be his uncle. But mostly because he voted brexit. Or definitely would have had he been able. He does bollix big time but he doesn't do jokes. Talk about shitting in your own bed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:21 PM

That was Steve Bannon and Amber Herd. Americans can vote in the UK?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:55 PM

Wake up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 06:04 AM

Ah, you are still trying to insult. You have not learned that true witticism involves telling the truth in a clever way.
Study jokes 101.
British humour carries a strong element of satire aimed at the absurdity of everyday life. Common themes include sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek, banter, insults, ...
You sir are no Christopher Hitchins.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 07:16 AM

Shouldn't witticisms contain some element of wit? That's something for you to work on, that and the spelling of Hitchens.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:38 AM

I don't think they are going over your head. They go right through without interaction like a neutrino.

Or in older parlance-
My transmitter is fine. Your receiver may not get my wavelength.
It does not mean I am exemplary or you are inferior. It's just a hardware incompatibility.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:54 AM

Faith is an amazing thing.
Redemption is promised at the low price of your critical faculties,

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:58 AM

Bwahah! Type O!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 10:09 AM

Glad someone got it :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 10:23 AM

I got it but merely smirked silently, Dave.

No-one is trying to insult you, o jokeless one. Rather, we are trying to educate you. But, just as turds can't be polished and pork can't be educated, we seem to be having a bit of trouble with our endeavour.

We don't want your truths in a joke thread. We want jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:05 AM

I think you may have something with the hardware incompatibility analogy, Don. Trouble is your transmitter is causing interference with everyone else's receivers and, unfortunately, drowning out a lot of the better exchanges. How about you limit your transmissions to those who understand what the fuck you are talking about?

I have an analogy that I have used before. If my local pub starts getting pestered by a knobhead who just talks bollocks all the time, the rgulars have a choice. Either they leave or they ask the landlord to throw him out. Sorry to have to tell you, but you are that knobhead and, before long, the management will realise. It is well and good saying ignore it but, to use another analogy, if a dog keeps shitting on your front lawn you can either ignore it or kick the dog.

Anyroads...

What's green, has eight legs and if it fell on you out of a tree it would kill you?

A snooker table.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:08 AM

Its a shame you are anti truth.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:42 AM

If I was critical I would say a misspelling joke is not that great.
Some prefer empty Zen, or Feng Shui and others Victorian clutter.
My wife decided to adopt a "Feng Shui" approach to our house
Which is a Chinese translation of "you no longer get an opinion"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM

I asked my cat "what's 2 minus 2?".
She said nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 12:49 PM

Dave the Gnome at heart is not a dog kicker. He's a knobhead lover.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:04 PM

> I asked my cat "what's 2 minus 2?".

Your cat is a Zen master: the correct answer, of course, is Mu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:06 PM

.... I leave the corollary as an exercise for the student.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:14 PM

Funny, that was my cow's answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:15 PM

...actually it was my yak.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:23 PM

Enough is enough Don. I have tried to understand and thought it was me but you have proven to be beyond understanding by most people. Fine. Nothing wrong with marching to the beat of your own drum but when you keep shitting in the same garden, you get kicked.

Now, how about you leave us lesser beings alone and just talk to whatever beings you consider worthy. Which is just another way of saying f... Which reminds me...

Old tramp approaches a well to do bloke for the price of a cup of tea.

" Neither a borrower nor a lender be. William Shakespeare " sez the toff.

The old tramp replies " Fuck off. James Joyce "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 04:14 PM

The bottom line here in this thread (wot I myself started) is that what we want is levity. Lightheartedness. A good chortle, a smirk, even a groan. I give not a flying shite whether a given joke has been here two, three or four times before. When I was a kid, I exulted in telling the same joke over and over again. I'm delighted that my seven-year-old grandson is just the same. Donuel can put his "truth" into lots of other threads, many of which he has started himself. So I have to ask myself why he feels the need to pollute this thread with his so-called truth, and his terrible, terrible attempts to make up his own jokes. I can't make up my own jokes. I haven't got that kind of talent. I rely on Ken Dodd, Tim Vine, Tommy Cooper, even the Reader's bloody Digest. I can tell funny stories about things that have happened to me, etc., but they are not jokes. I don't want anyone in this thread getting all heavy, philosophical or moralising. There are threads aplenty where you can do that. This thread needs to be an oasis of more-or-less innocent fun in this fraught world of ours.

Or, to be more succinct, sod off, Donuel.

By way of postscript, here is my grandson's favourite joke.

Why did the little boy fall off his bike?

Because his mother threw a refrigerator at him.

(Just imagine that you're seven again when you read that joke. It works for me!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 04:24 PM

Not quite a joke but just saw a great and apt meme on Faceache

"I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a funking idiot"

:-D

Apologies for the swearing and reference to (anti)social media!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 05:24 PM

A bit like "I do like you, but your shit stinks. Nothing personal..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 01:29 PM

My ex was once standing in front of our full length mirror...naked. She said 'Mike, My hair is thinning, my forehead is wrinkled, I have crows feet round my eyes, my nose has open pores all over it, my neck has a chicken skin appearance, My boobs are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks, my thighs have ugly cellulite and my feet are out of shape, pleae tell me something good about me'......      So I said 'Darling, you have excellent eyesight'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 01:46 PM

An Arab and his camel come to a sign in front of an oasis.
'Whites Only - Donuel keep out'
The Arab crosses a line and is ordered to "Stop!"
Why? Are you the owners?
No, but all three of us have decided to guard this oasis
Why?
Because we detest the color of Donuel jokes.
Well, I am not Donuel.
You are not white.
Of course I am. I'm the same color as Jesus.
The camel spit and walked on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 02:54 PM

O Moderator, where art thou?

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 04:38 PM

Donuel is a bit like the slug you find in your bowl as you scoop up the last spoonful of your beautiful porridge.

I love that Eiffel joke. I made Mrs Steve turn the telly down so I could tell it her...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 04:42 PM

If you jumped in the river in Paris would you be insane?

If you jumped in one in Cairo would you be in denial?

I'd still like a pint of what Donuel is on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 04:55 PM

He's neck deep in the Big Muddy in this thread, fer sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 07:23 PM

I'm on a micro dosage of CPH4.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 08:02 PM

There's plenty micro about you. But just tell us a joke, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 09:49 PM

Whatever you're taking, Don, it's either too much or not enough.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 10:05 PM

Google it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 10:20 PM

ehis joke is all about you bigots.


An Arab and his camel come to a sign in front of an oasis.
'Whites Only - Donuel keep out'
The Arab crosses a line and is ordered to "Stop!"
Why? Are you the owners?
No, but all three of us have decided to guard this oasis
Why?
Because we detest the color of Donuel jokes.
Well, I am not Donuel.
You are not white either.
Of course I am. I'm the same color as Jesus.
The Arab smirked the camel spit and walked on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 11:11 PM

A farmer noticed that his cow was cross-eyed, so he asked a veterinarian if that was anything to worry about. The vet said, "It's probably harmless, but FWIW I know how to fix it. Lend me a length of hose." The farmer found him one. The vet stuck one end up the cow's ass and blew into the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes snapped into alignment. But the next day, they were crossed again, so the farmer tried the same treatment, but it didn't work. He called the vet back. The vet took the end of the hose out of the cow's ass, replaced it with the other end, and repeated the treatment. Sure enough, it worked. The farmer asked what the idea was. The vet said, "I didn't want to use the end you had had in your mouth."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jun 23 - 08:54 AM

A gnome is in the garden, busily destroying some bushes, when a house cat appears.
“What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome, I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying noise at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief.
“And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 07:33 AM

A Quantum joke, because it is both funny and not funny at the same time.

An electron is speeding down the highway when a police patrolman pulls it over and says: "Did you realise you were doing exactly 88 mph? Sir**". The electron replies: "Oh thanks, no I am lost"

If you don't understand "Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle" the wave function collapses to "unfunny".

** (because he is a British policeman)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 08:17 AM

Breaking news:

A scientist cloned himself today.
A co-worker said, "that's just like him".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 05:11 PM

We went to Rosemoor RHS garden this afternoon (the roses were amazing) but roadworks had us diverted through a little Devon village called Frithelstock. As we drove through I bet Mrs Steve that she couldn't say "Frithelstock" five times very quickly. I won, and it reminded me of the oft-told old joke about the bloke who went to the doctor, complaining that he was having trouble pronouncing his (f)s and (th)s.

The doc said to him, "Well you can't say fairer than that, then..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 06:25 PM

Gay weddings in England are done at LBGT Kew Gardens.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 08:41 PM

You're all gay to us

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 11:26 AM

Mu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM

buggering is a common British slang
1.
VULGAR SLANG•BRITISH
cause serious harm or damage to.
2.
penetrate the anus of (someone) during sex.

The American equivalent is *ucking Ass hole.
I think some of you use your equivalent quite often, here comes the big but, but probably not in a gay sense. The gay jokes have disappeared despite June being Pride month.


I'm on the side of John Cleese when it comes to creativity and humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 02:28 PM

You haven't got a bloody clue. And equating yourself with John Cleese is absolutely the best joke you've ever made here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 04:49 PM

You too confuse laughter with humor. Just denying the sky is sometimes blue doesn't make it true. We all know about night and storms.
The theme of Life of Brian is that we should think for ourselves.
You strike me as an antidote for humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 05:49 PM

crowd in front of Brian...
WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT MY LORD,...i'm not.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 05:59 PM

You've certainly got very big balls, that's for sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 06:00 PM

I used to enjoy Mudcat joke threads, once upon a time.

Still, for what it's worth:

Two crows were sitting on a fence, looking into a field.
“I’m not going in there” said the first crow, ”not while that man’s in there”.
“It’s not a man. It’s a scarecrow” said the second crow.
“Well, it looks like a man to me”.
“No, it’s definitely a scarecrow”
“How can you tell?” asked the first crow.
“He hasn’t got a mobile phone in his hand”.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 07:59 PM

The object of a British education is to teach willpower. The ability to focus and concentrate on something in which you have absolutely no interest.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:24 PM

There's nowhere near as much fun in this thread, Doug, because the moderators allow a serial troll to infest it with his unfunny nonsense. I started this thread and I've posted far more jokes in it than anyone else, and not a single one have I invented myself. Including this one:


A woman comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

She says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

"Oh yeah?" sniped her husband, "And what did he say about your forty-five year old arse?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:25 PM

Grr. Spot the missing hyphens...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:27 PM

Hear the one about the Roman soldier who walked into a bar, put two fingers up to the barman and got five pints?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:41 PM

Nice one Steve :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 04:26 AM

A chicken and an egg walked into a bar. The barman said, "OK, who's first?"


A pantomime horse walked into a bar. "Would you like a pint?" asked the barman.

"No, two halves."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 04:41 AM

A Roman soldier was bragging to his mate in a bar. "How many women do you reckon I've slept with, Titus?"

"mmm..."

"Bloody hell, no, not that many!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 04:47 AM

Grr. I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Ernest
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 05:13 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Jun 23 - 11:06 PM

Yesterday I met a guy who reminded me of my dad.

He just walked up to me and said: "Don't forget your dad."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jun 23 - 07:38 AM

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jun 23 - 04:42 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

Barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jun 23 - 07:11 PM

I love a good groaner, so try this one:

A lizard walks into a bar pushing his baby in a pushchair.

"What's your kid's name?" asks the barman.

"Tiny," says the lizard.

"Tiny?" Said the barman, "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jun 23 - 07:16 PM

In similar vein (and a bit of an oldie):

A bloke turned up to a fancy dress party with a naked young woman on his shoulders.

The host asked him, "What's this? What have you come as?"

"A tortoise," he replied.

"A tortoise? So what's that lovely naked young woman doing on your back?"

"Ah, that's Michelle..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 02:50 AM

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

The same can be said of the stupid :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 08:05 AM

The weirdos in England are celebrating the not the King's birthday today, to the 'drooping of the other' real birthday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 08:33 AM

Try to post something grammatical, preferably with a punchline appended. We'd all like to know what you're talking about.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 09:23 AM

Mu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 09:27 AM

Compared to the middle age population Rest Homes have more diapersity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 10:10 AM

Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 03:38 PM

I m currently reading a fascinating book called 'The Cannibal' by Henrietta Mann.... much better than the previous one I read, which was ' Fairy Tales' by Alison Wanda Land

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 04:19 PM

Fell off a cliff by Eileen Dover
I know forests by Theresa Green
Accident in the kitchen by Fat Burns

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 23 - 07:22 PM

More novels:

Cat in Bed, by Claude Balls.

The Methodology of Gay Sex, by Ben Dover and Phil McCavity (God forgive me...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jun 23 - 01:07 AM

I thought the last one was by Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Jun 23 - 03:26 AM

A gladiator walks into a bar in downtown Rome   "a Martinus, barman"
              "don't you mean Martini?"
"If I wanted a double I would ask for one!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM

Jesus is hanging on the cross. He calls out weakly to his disciple Paul, "Paul, come to me..."

As Paul approaches the cross he is attacked and severely beaten by a bunch of Roman soldiers. He's knocked out.

Just as he's coming round, Jesus calls to him, "Paul, come to me..."

This time the soldiers really kick the shit out of him. He's bleeding from every orifice.

As he's lying there trying to collect himself, he hears Jesus calling him again, "Paul, come to me..."

This time, in spite of more vicious attacks, he just manages to crawl to the foot of the cross.

"What was it you wanted to say to me, o Lord?"

"I just thought I'd mention that I've got a great view of your house from up here..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jun 23 - 04:51 PM

I 5hought he said that to Thomas

But I doubt it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jun 23 - 02:30 PM

A catalyst went into a bar.
The bouncer said "you can't come in, last time you were here you started something"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jun 23 - 03:57 PM

(Open po-face) Catalysts don't start things: they speed things up or allow things to proceed in different conditions. (Close po-face)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jun 23 - 04:04 PM

Ah, but without the catalyst, things don't start, said Tom convertably.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Jun 23 - 05:37 PM

Isn't a catalyst a moggy leaning to one side?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jun 23 - 05:48 PM

Not so, Mrrzy. Catalysts don't start things. Typically, they make things that are going slowly go faster.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Jun 23 - 05:29 AM

It's a joke thread, Steve!

A keen golfer gets married. They delay the honeymoon because he has some major competitions coming up. Through the first year, he is out on th÷ golf course whenever he is not at work. One day, he comes home to find his wife thumbing through one of his golfing magazine:

"I've just been looking at the price of your golf clubs - even second hand. If we sold them we could put the money towards a honeymoon trip to Europe. You spend too much time playing golf, anyway."

"You're beginning to sound like my ex-wife" he replies.

"Ex-wife? You never told me you'd been married before!"

"I haven't".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 23 - 06:06 AM

I used to be half of a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.


A horse walked into a bar. The surprised barman shouted, "Hey!" The horse said, "No thanks, just a pint. I've already eaten."


A white horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hey, we have a whisky named after you!"
"What?" said the horse, "You have a whisky called George?"

Doug, I've posted more jokes in this thread than anyone else, possibly more than all of youse put together. Know what I'm sayin'?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 23 - 06:14 AM

Anyway, Doug, you owld curmudgeon, a couple of things. My missus didn't laugh at any of my three horse jokes but she loved your golf one*. Huh. Second, I've been listening to your great Blue-tail Fly on YouTube. I haven't heard that since my dad sang it when I was a little lad (he only knew the chorus and about one verse). It took me back did that, so cheers!

*As indeed did I...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Jun 23 - 06:19 AM

Glad you liked it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jun 23 - 10:16 AM

Joe walked into the Pharmacy and asked for 6 white toilet rolls. The pharmacist replied 'We only have blue' It's OK' said Joe,' I'm getting the bus home anyway'....... This one was especially for Donuel!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jun 23 - 08:01 AM

God, I love the occasional piano accordion joke...


Q. What's the definition of an optimist?

A. A piano accordionist with a mortgage.


A bloke goes to see his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week..."

"Hmm. I'll give you a mild laxative. Report back to me in a week."

A week later the bloke comes back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, I'll give you a stronger laxative then..."

A week later he's back again: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a professional piano accordionist, Doc."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that solves it! Here's ten quid. Go and get something to eat..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Jun 23 - 10:14 AM

OK, here's one propagated by Sir pTerry:

Customer: Why d'you call this pub the Broken Drum?

Barman: You can't beat it.

(And you can't even go Badum Tish at the end.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jun 23 - 12:32 PM

Going back to my youth I remember another one for Don

What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Jun 23 - 10:57 PM

Two flies were perched on a pile of dung, one of them farts and the the other one says "please, not while I'm eating."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Jun 23 - 06:54 PM

I can't remember whether I've mentioned this here before, but I was told this came to pass at a bowling alley in Nottingham, during a break at the bar in a match against a German team (apologies for mispelings):

Eine Martini, bitte.

Dry?

Nein, *ein*.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Jun 23 - 07:17 PM

I don't get it but I imagine Hitler would have busted a gut.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Jun 23 - 06:09 AM

It was an accidental bilingual pun. Lady Mondegreen would have appreciated it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Jun 23 - 06:56 AM

I was just goofin with you, Ma Filk. It was a pretty good one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jun 23 - 05:54 AM

I accidentally put this into the recipe thread - don't read anything into that!


A tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish town, and asked to be served the speciality of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

"Señor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.

"The what??" exclaimed the tourist.

"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist was horrified, but bravely he decided to taste the dish. He found it delicious.

Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones are very tasty, but they're nowhere near as big as yesterday's..."

"Well, señor," replied the waiter, "You see, the bull he does not always lose..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Jun 23 - 11:59 AM

Ouch, Steve. But it gives me the opportunity to mention the time when I had a rather embarrassing examination in the doctor's (the nature of which will become obvious). Afterwards, the doctor showed me a news article, complete with picture, with the headline "Bullfighter gored in the ring".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jun 23 - 01:18 PM

I once read that a man had been shot in the Gorbals...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jun 23 - 10:38 PM

So a couple are going to bed for the first time. The man takes off his socks, and his toes are really twisted. Oh, he says, yes, I had tolio as a child. Ok. Takes off his pants, and his knees are all weird. Ah, yes, childhood kneezles, he says. He takes off his underwear...

... lemme guess...



...Smallcox?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 26 Jun 23 - 12:15 PM

OK, time for a Ha Ha Only Serious:

    Science Fiction (n): nostalgia for the future.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jun 23 - 01:21 PM

Little lad in the playground obviously quite upset.

"What's up?" asked the teacher

"They keep saying that my Dad is gay" he replied

"Well, it doesn't matter. Lots of people are gay"

"Yebbut I don't know which Dad they mean..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Jun 23 - 01:38 PM

Variation of an old chestnut:

A guy steps into a confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I took an ED pill and have an erection that's lasted more than four hours."
The priest says, "Shouldn't you inform your doctor? Why are you telling me this?"
The guy answers, "Hell, father, I'm telling everybody."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jun 23 - 02:17 PM

Someone told me their favorite proctologist was Cameron Diaz, and my sea breeze tried to come out my nose...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 30 Jun 23 - 07:15 PM

Could someone explain that to me please!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jun 23 - 07:27 PM

"Camera on the ass", I suppose.
Pretty good one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 07:44 AM

Wisdom from an optimistic dyslexic:
When you get a lemon, make melonade.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 08:42 AM

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 08:50 AM

My colleague can't attend the Innuendo Convention next week after all, so I'm going to have to fill her slot.

I have a pencil that once belonged to Shakespeare. Unfortunately, he chewed the end, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

A dwarf psychic has escaped from prison. The police have warned that there's a small medium at large.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 09:15 AM

I've just divorced my cross-eyed wife. She was seeing someone on the side.

My little son swallowed eight plastic horses. The doc said that his condition is stable.

The sign at the bottom of the escalator said "Dogs must be carried." I couldn't use it. I didn't have a dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 09:30 AM

My dyslexic band has finally released its Greatest Shit album.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 10:02 AM

That's more like it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 11:11 AM

Did you hear about the bloke who refused to believe he was gay and dyslexic?

He was in Daniel.


What does "DNA" stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.


What's a really good job for someone with dyslexia?

Taxi driver. It's as easy as C A B.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 12:58 PM

Before crowbars were invented, did crows drink at home??

My ex said ‘’I don’t understand what cloning is’’. I said ‘’That makes two of us’’

My friend once asked me what the secret of my happy marriage was. I said ‘’Chemistry’’……. ‘’I am on vallium and she’s on Prozac.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 07:03 AM

There was a spate of headlines in the English papers using the "rools OK" trope, up to and beyond the tiresomeness event horizon. What finally stopped it IIRC was someone saying "Dyslexia lures KO" in a radio programme.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 07:58 AM

Then there's the "Keep calm and..." one. One mug-shaped remnant of that craze sits on our kitchen windowsill: "Keep calm and listen to the Archers." Terrible advice in m'humble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 12:29 PM

Then there were the 'do it' ones, like 'hedgehogs do it carefully'. You can get tired of them eventually, unless you get a really clever one. But as a concertina player, I did like the car sticker 'honk if you play a Jeffries'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 02:02 PM

Dad's mug says "I can't keep calm. I'm a Norwich City supporter". That one is true...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 02:22 PM

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes

It's just a draft at the moment

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 04:04 PM

That should be easy enough for you. In fact, it'll be a breeze.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 07:12 PM

Unless he gets the wind up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 08:34 PM

That's just DtG blustering again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 02:01 AM

I'm writing it for my friend Gale

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 02:42 AM

Just make sure you do it with gusto. She can be quite severe, Gale...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 05:19 AM

Write carefully, Dave. Don't blow it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 05:32 PM

Fresh off the slab, so I don't see why you lot shouldn't suffer ---

Q: What do you give a badger with a headache?

A: Parasettamol.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 05:36 PM

Why can't you get painkillers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 06:04 PM

Guy owns a small circus. One day a small fellow walks in and asks for a job.
"Doing what?" the owner asks, "We have plenty of help."

"Oh, I want to join the circus", the little guy says, "I have an act."

"What do you do?", replies the owner, "we already have clowns and acrobats and most of the usual acts."

"Let's go out into the arena, and I'll show you.",the little man says.
So they walked to the center ring and little guy goes to the center pole and shinnys up it almost to the top. He swings from one of the cables and launches himself out into space! He begins flapping his arms and soars around the tent, dipping and looping as he flaps furiously. Finally, he makes a long, graceful dive and lands carefully right at the feet of the owner.

"So?" remarks the owner," that's all you do... bird imitations?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jul 23 - 04:49 PM

The doctor asked me how long I'd suffered from amnesia.

I said as long as I can remember...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jul 23 - 05:43 PM

I went to the doc and said, Doc, I think I'm losing my memory. He said, how long has this been going on? I said, how long has what been going on?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jul 23 - 09:04 AM

A MASH memory, that bird joke.

Someone explain the badger one? I know what paracetamol is...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jul 23 - 10:37 AM

Interesting fact: the average human being has almost exactly one testicle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 13 Jul 23 - 11:05 AM

Badgers live in setts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Jul 23 - 04:24 AM

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve particles faster than light"

A neutrino walks into a bar

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jul 23 - 05:40 AM

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "Drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jul 23 - 05:42 AM

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walk into a bar.

"Bloody 'ell," thought the barman, "This is no joke..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jul 23 - 04:46 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Jul 23 - 10:38 AM

Herself is browsing through the latest Leger holiday brochure.

"[incredulous] *Transylvania* Christmas market? [dispirited] .... Oh, you've gotta fly."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 05:42 PM

Booby trap backwards is Party boob

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 06:59 PM

I was going to tell you a joke about ultimate fighting for kicks but I forgot the punch line.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 07:30 PM

Don't waste time trying to remember it. Spare us.

I was going to tell you a joke about boxing, but I've forgotten the punch line...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 08:23 PM

OK All of us are spared, except you.


This statement is false. T or F

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 23 - 09:59 AM

Sign:
WEST COLESVILLE
AUTOPSY CLUB MEETING SAT
OPEN MIKE NITE

Comment: Sucks to be Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jul 23 - 11:29 AM

dark and hilarious

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Jul 23 - 03:46 PM

Have you've heard of the guy who regularly ate at a restaurant near a
bull-ring. Their specialty was cojones, big, juicy and meaty.
Except one evening when he ordered the same dish... but the cojones were small, shriveled and bitter.
"Why?" he asked.
"Well, senor, it's not always the
bull that loses."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Aug 23 - 09:01 AM

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.


The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"


To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Aug 23 - 09:17 AM

Good one, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 06:13 AM

Well yes, but it's just a straight copy 'n' paste!

Chap went to the ticket office at the railway station and asked, "What time does the next train to Manchester leave at?"

"Tut tut, dearie me, sir, didn't they tell you at school never to end a sentence with a preposition?"

"OK. What time does the next train to Manchester leave at, BASTARD?

"Quarter past two.."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 06:18 AM

A woman rang her husband and wailed in agitated tones, "I'm in casualty!"

"Oh, right..."

Three hours later she rang him again, almost hysterical this time, "I told you I was in casualty! Where the hell are you!"

"I'm at home," he said, "I've just watched the last three episodes you recorded and I didn't see you in any of them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 09:09 AM

My brother never finishes anything. He's a black belt in Partial Art.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 10:42 AM

Is an atheist like Steve who goes to church a hypocrite or a
hyper creep?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 11:01 AM

Last time I bought a train ticket I asked for a return ticket

Where to? Asked the clerk

Back here...


I am a black belt in the martial art of Kung Shui

Arranging the furniture so your enemies fall over it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 11:40 AM

You're the creep for posting this nonsense in the joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 01:18 PM

Serves you right for pointing out the obvious C&P :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 01:28 PM

If I find a good joke that I can just copy and paste, I'll acknowledge the source. Far more often I find with a longer joke that I can edit it to make it more pithy, and I might change a few details too. All good. It's called the "jolk process." But seeing a beautifully literate but unattributed copy-and-paste posted by someone who we know to be semi-literate is, er, no joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 02:36 PM

A man was looking for footnotes in the Joke thread. Not finding any, he decided to stick to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 03:52 PM

Obviously far above my low level sense of humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 07:11 PM

What I find fantastically funny about Steve is that he is incredibly fragile sitting precariously on top of a huge pile of rage, all the while sincerely caring about society from his point of view. His outrage is a veneer but he tries to make it sound tectonically deep. He is like the Super Dave of the joke thread, sounding so serious it's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 02:37 AM

From his sometimes deep, sometimes whimsical output I am fast coming to the conclusion that our Don is actually a covert AI.

Now can we get back to the jokes please?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 02:44 AM

Your analytical skills are zilch. You are mushroom-addled and the upshot is that you regularly make a complete fool of yourself. You are also bitter, jealous, obsessive, resentful and full of sour grapes and confused about everything you think you're good at. Bet you can't tell us a joke.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandad, not like the shouting and screaming passengers in his car...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 04:29 AM

My post was directed at Donuel. You're half-right, Bob, in that his input is artificial in the sense of fake, but miles out when you suggest "intelligence."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 06:37 AM

If I find a good joke that I can just copy and paste, I'll acknowledge the source.

............"............

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandad, not like the shouting and screaming passengers in his car...
Bob Monkhouse


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 07:48 AM

There are a number of versions Doug. None that I have found are an exact match so the C&P point stands. IMO.

My favourite Bob quote is "When I was young and said I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me. They're not laughing now... "

(Not a C&P either :-) )

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 09:09 AM

There are a number of versions Doug.

That just means that it had been misquoted many times. The essence of the joke is pure Monkhouse.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 10:22 AM

I didn't know it was one of his and I dredged it up entirely from memory this time! Did I really get that close to the original?

Anyway, in reparation for my thieving, here are three of Bob's cracking one-liners. When I read them I can still hear him machine-gunning them out!

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

"People always say: 'You're a comedian, tell us a joke.' They don't say: 'You're an MP, tell us a lie.'"

"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did HE go back to?"

"I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM

Three?? Is this a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 11:05 AM

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.
As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that, the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 11:11 AM

Gosh, hasn't your spelling, punctuation and grammar suddenly improved beyond measure!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 11:50 AM

How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.

What do you call professional trolls?
Master baiters.

Trolls don't live under bridges. They have artificial Ivory Towers.

What do Trolls prove?
Nothing but they think they do.

The greatest gift a Troll can get is
destruction of good intentioned people.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 06:16 PM

But have you got any jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 07:53 PM

To allay the Donuel-inspired gloom in what should be an unfailingly jolly thread, here are three more Bob Monkhouse one-liners:

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My dad was ruined by hard drink. He sat on an icicle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 08:50 PM

Donuel, great rewrite! Loved the old version, but it's hard to tell these days.

Meanwhile my Unabashed Dictionary defines Artificial Intelligence as a blonde who's dyed herself brunette.

Speaking of stolen...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 08:55 PM

Great rewrite of what? This is a joke thread, and no titter was raised this end, I can assure ye.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 02:35 AM

It was another uncredited C&P too.

Another king was so proud of his golden throne that he got paranoid about it being stolen and hoisted it up into the loft space so no-one could find it. Unfortunately the roof, being made of thatch, collapsed and the throne fell on the King, killing him.

Which goes to show that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:45 AM

So not a rewrite then?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:47 AM

And blonde jokes are so 1970s, aren't they. A bit like our Essex girl ones.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 04:16 AM

Talking of the 1970's ...
Q: What's the difference between Jeremy Thorpe and William the Conqueror?
A: Not much, they're both fucking Norman.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 04:25 AM

Essex girl crashes her car and is trapped. The fireman leans into the car, and says "Don't worry, love, we'll soon get you out. Where are you bleeding from?"

"Chingford," she replies, "So where are YOU bleedin' from?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 06:02 AM

What is a bully's favorite kind of joke? One with a punchline.

"NOBODY LOVES YOU" oh yeah? Who told you that, your mom?

Bullies learn their hate rape tactics from school days. Steve spent 35 years in middle school.

I ran into a school bully last week. Sadly he wore a seatbelt.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 06:04 AM

Paddy and Mick were relaxing at home. Paddy asked Mick, ‘’Are there any flightless birds in Iceland’’??. ‘’Of course’’ said Mick…………….. frozen chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 08:46 AM

Hate rape? You need to be very careful what you say, chum..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 09:03 AM

Steve Shaw, I had heard that joke decades ago, about old women on the Rez, where the squaw of the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

I haven't told that joke in years. Now I can again, thanks to the brilliant rewrite Donuel posted.

Just because you don't know a joke doesn't mean it isn't one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 09:29 AM

I'd rather read a clever C&P that I've never heard before, credited or un-, than to read a typed out version of the grass house/stowed throne joke that was stale 6 decades ago. No offense, Gnome. I either find something funny or I don't, that's all that concerns me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 10:37 AM

There was me thinking that the Keystone cops were the joke police.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 11:04 AM

Mrrzy, wassup! I've also known that joke for decades in another guise and of course I know it's a joke. The rewrite is quite good (discuss...) but it has NOTHING to do with Donuel except that he found it on the internet somewhere and copied and pasted it! Just copy the first line of it into your search box and you'll find "his" version all over the place.

I agree, gillymor, but when you see a perfectly literate rendition of a joke posted by a semi- literate person that he passes off as his own it kind of whiffs of his need for a bit of reflected glory. I got told off for posting a Bob Monkhouse one-liner (I didn't know it was his) without attribution, and made abundant reparation by posting a bunch of his others in two posts. In the past I've posted lots of one-liners from Tim Vine, Tommy Cooper, Ken Dodd and others and I always credit them.

I've said before that all our joke threads are replete with repetition and that it doesn't matter. If I'd whinged about every joke here that I'd heard (or seen here) before, I'd have wasted bucket loads of virtual ink. It doesn't matter one jot or tittle!

Anyway, I'm not at all well so all shut up...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 12:16 PM

Attribution, please; it being from the yuppie-and-yokel era ought to put bounds on its origin ....

Man in flashy sports car drives up to a ford in the countryside.

Driver: "I say, how deep is this ford?"
Local: "Yur, 'tis only an inch or two."
Driver: "Thanks."

Vroom *vroom* *splash* glugluglug ....
Driver swims ashore and grabs local by the throat.

Driver: "I thought you said this was only two inches deep!"
Local: "Yur, does only come halfway up our ducks."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 12:23 PM

That is like a Peter Sellers joke.

Ow! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite.
That is not my dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 12:34 PM

gillymor. Of course it was an old joke. This is a folk music site and it was traditional:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:24 PM

So what if it was cut and pasted? You think I retype every joke I find funny enough to post here?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:24 PM

Not a joke, Donuel. You are an extremely slow learner. Put the mushrooms down and walk away slowly.

Here's a Peter Sellers one:

Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

(Not the greatest joke ever but at least it's a bloody joke!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:25 PM

What jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:30 PM

You think I retype every joke I find funny enough to post here?

I think I have up to now and I always try to cite the source if I ever use C&P. It is only common courtesy to all concerned

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 02:35 PM

That's more like it, MaJoC (God, it's bloody hard to to type your moniker - may I call you Mad Jock?). I just told Mrs Steve that one in a faux yokel accent and she loved it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:36 PM

American tourist in the Yorkshire dales spots an old chap sat on a bench rolling something into little black balls

"Gee" he says "I love these quaint English customs. Just what is this one?"

"Ahm meckin larnin pills"

"Wow! That's great. Can I try one?"

"Aye. Fiver each"

The tourist buys half a dozen and pops the first one in his mouth

"Yuk! That tastes like sheep shit!"

"Tha's larnin..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:41 PM

Courtesy of random Facebook memes

I just googled "Missing medieval servant"

It came back "Page not found"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 08:43 PM

Hahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Aug 23 - 05:42 AM

America is multi lingual but not everyone has English skills. Yesterday my phone said the call was from pastel hair and a young lady was asking me about a manicure. I politely told her several times I did NOT need a manicure. Very slowly she said 'med i care'. Oh that's different.

At the drive through I was asked if I wanted a Cole Porter. I said sure but when I got to the window she was holding a Cup Holder.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Aug 23 - 03:53 PM

Re Donuel, 09 Aug 23 - 12:23 PM ....

[Mumble frotz], you left-handed w*nker.
*I'm* not left-handed.

.... heard in real time some decades ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Aug 23 - 04:05 PM

> Mad Jock

*bzzt* Wrong, in stereo: I'm English; and not only am I sane, but I also have a piece of paper here to prove it.

.... meanwhile, back at the jokes, somebody at a previous place of employment chose to expand "IBM" to "I've Been MaJoCced".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Aug 23 - 04:18 PM

.... yup: the joke was on me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Aug 23 - 04:47 PM

I worked at IBM in Endicott NY one summer. I'm surprised we did not have more Apollo 13s.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 12 Aug 23 - 02:51 AM

I’m still playing with php on the laptop. I’ve had a go at writing my own pie chart. I’m having a bit of a problem with the alignment of labels and sometimes it gives a gap in the pie chart (which I think is a bug in gd and jpgraph does this too) but I think it’s ok otherwise. An example is here. I’ve also extended the weather forecast pages to do all sites/regions, eg. here.

Poor dad is still stuck in bed but we at leat have a date for the new bed. It should be coming on Thursday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Aug 23 - 10:07 AM

My doctor advised me that I should finish off all the things I have already started and it will make me feel better..... well......... I finished the half bottle of Glenmorangie first.... thenan almos ful bodel of Glenlivet. Jus finiched anoothher alf bodel of whiskery..... now in the midel of a alf bodel of jinn........ ermmmmm godddddda go now ta git the Laughroooaiig lef in da bodel. I veeeel zo muck bedder.... eeee wus rite!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Aug 23 - 04:19 PM

Nakedly stolen and copied and pasted off the Quora website:


A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Aug 23 - 05:43 PM

I'm not very good on Greek mythology. It's my Hercules ankle

(Olaf Falafel)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 09:16 AM

You can tell I copied and pasted that joke. "STOREYS..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 11:12 AM

How do you know Georgiansilver was naked?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 03:01 PM

Do try to get a grip on basic, plain English.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 06:40 PM

Steve Shaw's free advice is worthless unless you like; too much garlic, attempted shaming of mudcatters, and Colonialism.
He is an ardent stigmatizer of mental health, new discoveries, and facts unknown to him. He also thinks the subject of jokes is his dominion alone.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 08:05 PM

I'm an ardent stigmatiser of your self-indicted, mushroom-aggravated mental ill-health, but if you were in the UK I'd still want you treated for for free. I'm kind like that. Please don't rush.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 08:07 PM

Inflicted

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Aug 23 - 05:51 AM

Well, there i was, hiking across a moor in my favourite Yorkshire Dale when this bloke comes up to me, red in the face, cursing and swearing

"Get of my land!" He says

"Land does not belong to anyone" I replied

"Well, I am the Duke of Devonshire and this bit belongs to me"

"So", I ask, "How did you get it?"

"I inherited it from my Father"

"How did he get it?"

"He inherited it from his Father"

"No, going back rightback to the begining, how did your family get it?"

"They fought for it" was his reply.

"Fair enough" I sez, rolling up my sleeves, "get your coat off..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Aug 23 - 12:31 PM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 07:48 PM

After the match the Wrestling coach asked the physics student How are you?
The kid said T nu/mu

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 08:09 PM

Doubtfully clever but undoubtedly unfunny. Have you got any jokes?

A Barry Cryer one:

A man owns a parrot that can't stop swearing. So he says to him, 'If you don't stop swearing, I'll put you in the fridge.' The parrot keeps on swearing. So he puts it in the fridge. Five minutes later, he takes the parrot out of the fridge, and says to it, 'Are you going to stop swearing?' 'Yes,' says the parrot. 'But what did that chicken do?'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 08:21 PM

A MAGA nut told his wife "I'd rather be brain dead than LGBTQ".
His wife said she'd rather be a fruit than a vegetable.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 09:01 PM

Not a joke. Unfunny. Please stick to jokes in this thread.

A Ken Dodd one. What a man.

"I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 09:29 PM

One bird can't make a pun but toucan.

-Blame NYT's The Mini for that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 07:14 AM

You are a poor judge of character. https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2009/may/10/ken-dodd-christmas-show-comedy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:41 AM

I saw that too, gillymor!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 09:58 AM

Then you're a poor judge of the written word. Think you can manage to read to the end of the article this time? It's very short.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:11 AM

Adam is looking sad and lonely, so God says
"I'll make you a mate. She'll be beautiful and lust after you constantly for sex.
She'll cook and clean and work full time and besides,she'll never nag you or mind when you go out drinking or golfing with your friends."

Adam smile happily and says, "That sounds great, what will it cost me?"

God says, "An arm and a leg!"

Adam says, "What can I get for a rib?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:17 AM

Paddy rushes over to his friends house and says, "Mary, there's been a terrible accident at the brewery and your Mick is dead!"

Mary says, "Oh my Lord, what happened?"

Paddy says sadly, "Your Mick drowned in a vat of Guinness."

Mary says, "That's just awful, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy says, "Unfortunately, no, he had to climb out three times to take a leak."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:23 AM

There are only 2 kinds of people in this world:
1) Those that finish lists



(and jokes)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:38 AM

Nah, Bill. There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can do arithmetic and those who can't...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:35 AM

I thought there were ten kinds - those who understand binary and those who don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:37 AM

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those that understand binary and those that don't.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:38 AM

Oh bugger! I'll have to type faster next time.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:46 AM

Couple more Olaf Falafel ones

My attempt at combining nitrous oxide and an Oxo cube failed. Made me a laughing stock

What Saint goes up and down? St. Francis of a seesaw

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 12:01 PM

Currently the joke thread and the KISS thread have exactly the same number of posts! I'm sure Don will find some significance

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 12:03 PM

Yep. A joke who knows no jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 02:09 PM

:-D

We've gone out of sync now. I'll not try to get it back

If you try to get the joke back in sync it will just go down the plughole.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 04:43 PM

Another naked steal from Quora:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 07:20 PM

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
   When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start ringing. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:28 PM

*Muffled guffaw*, Bill D.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:42 PM

Yes, excellent, Bill! I've already sent that one 12000 miles to my brother in NZ. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Aug 23 - 05:09 PM

The vicar was strolling along the road when he spotted a young woman coming towards him. She was having a jolly chat on her mobile phone and one of her tits was hanging out of her blouse.

"How dare you! Cover yourself up right now, you brazen hussy!"

She looked down at herself in a blind panic and blurted out, "Oh shit! I've left my baby on the bus...!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Aug 23 - 07:37 PM

Another shameless nick from Quora:

A man is on a desert island, been there alone for years. One day he is sat on the beach and out from the sea comes a beautiful woman in a wet suit. He runs to her and says "Thank God. You are the first human I’ve seen in 20 years!" She smiles and says “You poor thing, when was the last time you had a drink?” and she unzips a pocket and pulls out a hip flask of brandy. He takes a sip, a tear fills his eye. “Do you smoke?” she asked. “Well I was thinking of giving up but, if you have one..." And she unzips a pocket and pulled out a pack and hands them to him. He lights up and a smile spreads across his face. She says “20 years eh? That's a long time to be alone,” and she starts to unzip the front of her wet suit seductively. “How would you like to play around?” And he says “Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!!!???”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 04:13 PM

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:31 PM

Stolen from a (I *think*) Punch's recaption-this-cartoon competition:

[outraged] Sir! you farted before my wife!
Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was her turn.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:49 PM

A woman texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't
open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over them and then gently tap
edges with hammer."

She texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:52 PM

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away.

He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either.

I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.

They were in Aisle C.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:21 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
   A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
   Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
   After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:54 PM

A young very good ventriloquist is touring Sweden, and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
   Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 07:09 PM

Ye-hah, Bill! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 08:06 PM

Cop on his walkie-talkie back to the station: "I've just arrived at a crime scene: a woman has just shot a man for walking on her wet mopping..."

"Well have you moved in and made an arrest?"

"Are you joking? The mopping is still wet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM

A good cop knows when to wait!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

I wasn't allowed take my sheep dog in the pub today. It's a ban collie day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

900!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 07:30 PM

Two old ladies were chatting. Sez one: "Awful thing happened last week. I was cooking the Sunday lunch and I sent my husband to the allotment to pick us a nice cabbage. He was just about to cut it when he dropped dead of a heart attack!"

"Oh my God! That's awful! What did you do?"

"Well, I had to open a tin of peas..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:26 AM

She said....'Please show me an example of innuendo'? So I gave her one!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:55 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "How about a divorce?".
I told her I wasn't planning to spend that much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 12:21 PM

When I forgot her birthday... she said 'well you can just go out now and get me some item with loads of diamonds in'.....so I did. She loves her new pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 12:35 PM

"Ah Sandy, I haven't seen you since last week"

"Aye, I was on holiday."

"Where did you go?"

"Went to Pitlochry. I'd never been there."

"And how did Velma like it?"

"Oh, it was just me."

"You went without her?"

"Aye, Velma's already been to Pitlochry"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 02:03 PM

That's the last time I go giving blood.

They wanted to know who's blood it was, where I got it and why it was in a bucket!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 08:32 AM

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.

One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.

Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 49th anniversary.

Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”

Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 10:58 AM

Yay! You've done it Don :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:18 AM

Yebbut I posted my version of that one ages ago...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

There's a comment about imitation and flattery, but it escapes me ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:58 AM

.... Oh, and warning for those about to visit the Vatican: They installed airport-type screening kit at the entrance to the Sistine Chapel, sometime between our first and second visits there, and the queues then were four hours long. Perhaps Fabio's missus is still in the queue.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 12:48 PM

I was poisoned by a water fountain at the Vatican Museums. Fortunately, the symptoms set in the day after we arrived home. We paid for a fast-track ticket but still waited over two hours to get in. Same at the Colosseum. In the words of Dr Johnson, worth seeing, but not worth going to see.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 04:41 PM

Oh, Dr. Johnson was a witty one! After he published his dictionary, a delegation of women went to see him to complain.
The spokeswoman said huffily, "Dr. Johnson, your dictionary contains some 'improper' words!"
"Madam," he replied, "you've been looking for them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 05:45 PM

The Blackadder episode with Dr Johnson is a cracker.


Yes that was intentional :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 23 - 06:55 AM

A young man spotted a very old man sitting on a park bench, sobbing his heart out.

"Can I help?" asked the young man.

The old man said, “It’s a lovely day to be out and about. I'm 95 today. I am rich. I have a big country mansion with servants who do everything for me. I have a superb new sports car, a private jet and a yacht. I have a gorgeous young wife who's organising my birthday party right this minute.”

"Blimey, sounds like you should be the happiest man alive! Why the tears?"

"I can't remember where my house is..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Sep 23 - 07:37 AM

How weird - That sprang to mind as I was driving this morning! I had not seen the thread till now/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Sep 23 - 08:10 AM

She said 'Hey Scotsman, is anything worn under your kilt'? He replied 'Noo dear, everything is in purrfect wurrkin order'!

Shesaid 'Do you wear anything under your kilt'? He replied 'Putt yer haand up underneath and find oot'. She did but quickly removed her hand saying ' Ohhh It's gruesome'!!   He said 'Putt yer haand up under again ye'll find its grew some more'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 05:42 PM

Boss   -   "Where are you?"
Me      -   "I'm on the train heading for the south coast".
Boss   -   "You're supposed be in work!"
Me      -   "But you told me that you wanted me in Brighton early in the morning".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 10:28 PM

Looking for improper words in the dictionary reminds me of the old lady complaining about the boys who kept whistling dirty songs outside her window...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 11:28 PM

A group of astrophysicists tired of all the scatalogical jokes being made out of the word Uranus so they proposed changing the planet's name to... Urectum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Sep 23 - 02:05 PM

I have a friend who has started up a new hobby, taking pictures of salmon in different outfits. He says it's really easy, like shooting fish in apparel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 23 - 04:24 PM

An ancient couple were at their friends' house and were chatting away. The old boy said,   “Last night we went out to a fantastic restaurant we've never been to before."

His friend asked what the name of the restaurant was.

"Oh blimey, what was it now...". After a moment's thought he said, "What's the name of that flower you give on Valentines Day, you know, the red one with thorns...?"

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Ah, yes, that's it!"   He turned to his wife and said, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

An old lady who lived alone in a house by a river called the County Sheriff.
"I want to report some young boys acting indecently! They're playing in the river right down the hill from my house. And they are NUDE!"

"Well," said the sheriff, "boys will be boys, but I'll send someone out to move them."

A couple of hours later, she called back. "They only moved a little ways. When I go to sit on my front porch, I can still see them! I am offended!"

Again, the sheriff sends a deputy out, and again, the old lady calls back.
"They moved behind some bushes, but when I go to my upstairs sewing room, I can still see them!"

Now the sheriff decides to solve the problem once and for all, and goes out himself to move the boys a couple of hundred yards down the river.

He thinks all is well, but again she calls back!

"I had them move way down! Now what?"

" Well,if I go up to my attic and lean way out the attic window with my binoculars, I can still see them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Sep 23 - 11:11 AM

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Sep 23 - 06:47 AM

'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and it's Micks' final question for a million pounds. 'Which bird never makes a nest 1) a sparrow, 2)a swallow, 3) a blackbird, 4) a cuckoo. Micks' only lifeline left is phone a friend so the host phones Paddy and Mick asks him the question. Paddy immediately says 'It's the cuckoo'. Mick wins the million pounds!!!!! When he gets home, he asks Paddy 'How did you know it was a cuckoo'?? To which Paddy replied 'Because cuckoos live in clocks you fool'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Sep 23 - 06:19 AM

A few one-line groaners from Tim Vine, who was asked what jokes he'd put inside Christmas crackers:

I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them?

The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet.

My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.

I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups.

I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 04:41 AM

In America it's called an elevator while in the UK it's called a lift

I guess we were just raised differently

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 11:49 PM

Nerd joke:

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B. Mandlebrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandlebrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 06:30 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 07:08 AM

Fractals.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:50 AM

I did warn that it was nerdy.

I laughed, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:56 AM

We tend to like simple groans or belly laughs here in the UK. In-jokes or jokes that require much mental processing don't cut it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 23 - 05:23 AM

A bloke was in his garden when there was a terrible crashing sound from inside the house. His wife's friend dashed out in a panic and screamed at the bloke, "Quick! Your wife's fallen downstairs and she unconscious and it looks like she's broken both legs and fractured her skull!"

"Oh, thank God for that!" He replied, "I thought it was my motorbike falling over in the garage..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 23 - 05:35 AM

Possibly politically-incorrect but here goes anyway...

A couple took the wife's mother on a trip to the Holy Land. Sadly, the old lady died on the trip.

The undertaker said to the chap, "You have two choices. I can arrange for her to be flown home for £25000, or you can have her buried here in a simple ceremony for £500."

Without hesitation he replied that he wanted her flown home.

"Well it's up to you, of course, but why would you want to spend all that money when you don't have to?"

The chap replied, "Two thousand years ago they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 09:54 AM

possibly? That was an antisemitic joke in Germany years ago.
..."Years ago they buried a Jew here and"...

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I won't put my head up your ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 12:26 PM

Stop looking for trouble and acting so bloody stupid. I should think that of the eight billion people living on this planet you're the only one who'd see anything "antisemitic" in that joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 12:32 PM

Incidentally, my "politically-incorrect" comment was a reference to the fact that mother-in-law jokes are regarded in some quarters as passé these days, nothing else, a bit like blonde jokes really. I've got plenty more if they'll divert you from adding poison to a light-hearted and generally jovial thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 03:53 PM

A tortoise was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. The police asked him, "Can you tell us exactly what you saw?"

The tortoise replied, "I don't know - it all happened so fast..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 03:55 PM

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?


Who wants to know....?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Sep 23 - 04:04 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Isiah

Isiah who?

Isiah was going over the far famed Kerry mountains...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 23 - 07:35 AM

Bloke goes to the doctors' surgery and asks the receptionist if he can have an urgent appointment. The receptionist says that the doctor hasn't got any appointments left but says she'll try to fit him in if she can tell the doc what it's about.

"There's something wrong with my dick!” he replies rather loudly.

She's a bit shocked and offended and says, “Sir, your language…we have women and children in here! Would you like to try that again?”

"Oh, sorry about that,” the man says, “There's something wrong with my ear”.

"That's better… so what's the matter with your ear, sir?”

The man replies, in a loud voice again, “I can’t piss out of it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 23 - 08:51 AM

One hot day I noticed that my mate appeared to have what looked like a bra strap showing through his t-shirt.

"Is that a bra you're wearing?" said I.

"Er, yeah..."

"Jaysus, man, how long have you been wearing that?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the glove box..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 23 - 09:19 AM

Three Hell's Angels were in a greasy spoon when they noticed that the only other customer was an old bloke sat on his own. They went over to his table in threatening mode, and one of them spat in the old boy's coffee, one poured a load of salt all over his breakfast and one put out his cigarette in his fried egg.

The chap got up without a murmur, paid his bill and left.

"Not much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the greasers.

"Not much of a truck driver either," said the waiter looking out of the window. "He's just reversed over three motor bikes."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Oct 23 - 05:44 PM

I have been diagnosed with Feefiphobia

A fear of giants

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 23 - 07:34 AM

An elderly man was hit by a car. Whilst he was still on the road the paramedic cushioned his head and covered him up, then asked him if he was comfortable.

He replied, "Well I have few grand in the bank and a good pension..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 23 - 07:39 AM

I just discovered that there's no apostrophe in Hells Angels. Back off, pedants!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 08:53 AM

Superman and Batman were having a pint and sharing stories.

Superman said, "The other day I was flying over a deserted island when I spotted Wonder Woman lying naked on her back on the beach. I zoomed down, thinking I'd I'd take advantage of the situation..."

"Was she surprised?" asked Batman.

"Yeah, but not as surprised as the Invisible Man..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 08:54 AM

Beware the I'ds of October...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 06:36 PM

Steve Shaw: There's no apostrophe in _Finnegans Wake_ (the book). But there is one in "Finnegan's Wake" (the song). Joyce was being naughty.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Oct 23 - 03:57 PM

Cartoon, fish and shark, having a conversation.

Shark: hi, what's your name? Fish tells name, then asks, what's your name? Shark answers Gerard...

But most folks just call me AAAAAAAAAARGH!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Oct 23 - 01:50 PM

Not a joke but very witty I think

Hanlon's Razor, the idea that you should "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." As with Occam's Razor, where the simplest explanation is the most likely, the simplest likely explanation for something is usually that they're just stupid.

Very suitable for a lot of Mudcat posts :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 19 Oct 23 - 01:55 PM

Isn't the title of Finnegans Wake to do with Finn again awakening?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 04:15 AM

Counter to Hanlon's Razor we find Grey's Law, a twist of Clarke's Third Law:
"Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 07:52 AM

Ooh, good'n.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 10:18 AM

I live next door to a 90 year old man with Alzheimer's.
Nearly every morning he rings our bell and asks if I know where his wife is. Sometimes before I've had coffee it's hard to tell him that his wife died years ago. We've thought of moving or not answering the door but honestly it's worth it just to see him smile.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Oct 23 - 12:03 PM

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

Conclusion: Speaking English causes heart attacks.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Oct 23 - 12:14 PM

A beautiful young woman comes across an injured man lying in a ditch.

"Good heavens, what happened to you?"

"I came off my motor bike. I'm a bit beaten up but I don't think I've broken anything..."

"Well I happen to be a nurse. Here, get in my car and I'll take you to my place to clean you up."

So off they went. After a couple of hours at her place, during which she cleaned up his wounds and, er, took his mind off things in other ways, he eventually said, "I think I'd better try to contact my wife now..."

"Oh, you didn't tell me you had a wife! Where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, probably..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Oct 23 - 10:22 PM

The person who told me this joke wsx horrified when I laughed...


What did one tampon say to the other?


...




...






...






Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 05:49 AM

Quasi-clever plays on words are not necessarily jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 06:27 AM

Quasi-clever plays on words were the meat and drink of music hall stand-up comedian double acts.

as in:-

"Are you the front end of an ass?"
"No!"
"Are you the front end of an ass?"
"No!"
"Then you must be no end of an ass!"

or

"My dog has no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"

or

"My wife's gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord."


They have a long and honourable role in the history of joke telling.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 08:18 AM

Jimmy Carter was right, life is unfair. As we age my hair gets grayer but wife's gets blonder. Go figure.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 09:43 AM

You are not disagreeing with me, Doug, even though you try hard to at times. Read my post again and see if you can spot the word "necessarily" this time round. When you've done that, tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:49 AM

... tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic.

No more misogynistic than the joke you posted at the top of the thread where a man committed a sexual assault while pretending to guess a woman's age.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:59 AM

I thought Mrrzy's joke was funny no matter how you choose to define it. I hope this doesn't lapse into a "What is a joke thread?".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:13 AM

Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one.

I can't think of anyone in my circle of friends who would consider the use of "bitches" in that joke to be appropriate, and we are a jolly lot. It's a derogatory way of referring to women, and the women implied in that joke seem to have done nothing to deserve it unless you think there's something wrong with tampon-wearing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:47 AM

Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one.

From: Steve Shaw - PM Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:33 PM

Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face! First, as with most jokes, the scene is totally unreal and ridiculous. Second, he "didn't sexually assault" her. She invited him!

Priest was having a round of golf with his mate.

At the first hole his mate took a swing and completely missed the ball. "Oh SHIT! Missed the bastard!" he shouted.

"Dearie me, my son. Watch your tongue. The Lord above doesn't want to hear that kind of language!"

Second hole, same thing happened. "SHIT! Missed the bastard again!"

"I've warned you, my son. Any more of that language and God may strike you down!"

Next hole, same thing. "SHIT! Missed the bastard AGAIN!!"

Suddenly, the clouds parted, a thunderbolt ripped through the clouds and the priest dropped dead. Came a mighty voice from the heavens, "SHIT! Missed the bastard!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:49 PM

Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face!

Hey Steve, I have no problem with either yours or Mrrzy's joke. It was you who raised the question of misogyny. Pots and kettles.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 02:26 PM

My joke didn't have any misogyny. As simple as that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Nov 23 - 09:12 AM

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 23 - 10:21 AM

Of a similar ilk to Mrrzy's

Fairy grants a BlacK bloke 3 wishes

He says, "I want to be white, uptight and out of sight"

So she turns him into a tampon

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 11:07 AM

Man finds a bottle, picks it up and out pops a genie. First wish...loads of money, second wish big house....third wish ...he says he wants a penis which touches the floor.....so the genie gives him four inch legs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:23 PM

Man walks into a bar and pulls from his pocket a foot tall man and tiny piano. The small man procedes to play the piano much to the amzement of the clientelle.

Barman has to ask where the bloke got the diminutive musician from.

Well, I aksed this genie for a 12" penis but he was very hard of hearing...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:24 PM

That's similar to the one about the wicked queen in Snow White, the bit where she thinks she's seen Snow White off with the poisoned apple, so she asks her magic mirror:

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?

At last the magic mirror tells her what she wants to hear, but, unbeknown to her, a servant is listening through the keyhole. When the wicked queen has left the room, he sneaks up to the mirror and says:

Mirror mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor!

And his legs dropped off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 02:34 PM

Does anyone remember when I made a joke about the Chiropractor?


It was about a weak back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Nov 23 - 06:43 AM

I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problem. Two weeks later I stand corrected.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:18 AM

What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?


Denis.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:27 AM

There were two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "OK, I'll drive, you shoot the guns..."


(I really must scale back on the fish jokes...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 10:58 AM

I have my theories why Steve is such a crab and shellfish. Perhaps he blew a Seal but I'll leave his private life out of it. I know some Brits drink like a fish but it goes deeper than that. He has often fought me in text and hits me with a sucker punch so I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke but there he was Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I could sea the anchor in his eyes. I won't give him a bouquet of flounders or a few minnows of praise because I can not fathom he will ever apollockjize.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 12:09 PM

A joke thread is not the place for airing out personal grievances, especially in such a lame, unfunny manner.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 03:34 PM

Spun puns are no fun for Gillymor anymore

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:04 PM

Dam!

Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:12 PM

Thank you so much, gillymor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Nov 23 - 08:07 PM

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he come across an Indian laying with his ear against the earth.

He asks, “what are you up to?”

The Indian replies, “Two horses pulling a wagon…a man, two women and a kid on board.”

Impressed, the cowboy says, “That’s amazing, you can tell all that from listening to the vibrations?”

The Indian replies, “No, they just ran over me.”


(I did look up whether "Indian" is regarded as derogatory and couldn't find a settled answer. So I've risked it!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Nov 23 - 12:16 AM

"Risk it! Risk it!" (Ssssssssss!)

Sorry again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Nov 23 - 04:20 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Nov 23 - 09:25 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 06:52 AM

The toothbrush said I HATE MY JOB. "Puhleez, do you want to switch jobs for a day" said the TP.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:05 AM

The toothbrush might hate its job but the bumwipe hates its jobbie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:10 AM

Speaking of which, graffiti seen on the wall of the gents' toilet, Ratagan youth hostel, c. 1974:

"ECONOMY DRIVE: please use both sides of the paper."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:16 AM

It's no use standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:45 AM

Graffiti again, this time on the wall of the gents in the Union building, Imperial College, c.1969:

"Shit hard - it's a long way to the refectory"

and:

"Eat shit - 150,000,000 flies can't be wrong"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:00 AM

........, c.1974

........, c.1969


Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:25 AM

From the wall of Gaj's restaurant in the 1960s: Women in Labour keep Capitalism in Power.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:28 AM

I'm sure that some of my/our jokes go back to at least the 1800s, Doug, though undoubtedly many have gone through the folk-joke process...

The oldest known joke is a Sumerian one from 1900 BC. It's a fart joke and I don't get it:

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial ...

A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 23 - 10:26 PM

A rich farmer decided to wed and married a girl so beautiful that he couldn’t keeps his hands off her...

So he fired them all and bought a combine harvester.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:21 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
   A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
   Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
   After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:54 PM

A young very good ventriloquist is touring Sweden, and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
   Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM

A good cop knows when to wait!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 12:35 PM

"Ah Sandy, I haven't seen you since last week"

"Aye, I was on holiday."

"Where did you go?"

"Went to Pitlochry. I'd never been there."

"And how did Velma like it?"

"Oh, it was just me."

"You went without her?"

"Aye, Velma's already been to Pitlochry"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 04:41 PM

Oh, Dr. Johnson was a witty one! After he published his dictionary, a delegation of women went to see him to complain.
The spokeswoman said huffily, "Dr. Johnson, your dictionary contains some 'improper' words!"
"Madam," he replied, "you've been looking for them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

An old lady who lived alone in a house by a river called the County Sheriff.
"I want to report some young boys acting indecently! They're playing in the river right down the hill from my house. And they are NUDE!"

"Well," said the sheriff, "boys will be boys, but I'll send someone out to move them."

A couple of hours later, she called back. "They only moved a little ways. When I go to sit on my front porch, I can still see them! I am offended!"

Again, the sheriff sends a deputy out, and again, the old lady calls back.
"They moved behind some bushes, but when I go to my upstairs sewing room, I can still see them!"

Now the sheriff decides to solve the problem once and for all, and goes out himself to move the boys a couple of hundred yards down the river.

He thinks all is well, but again she calls back!

"I had them move way down! Now what?"

" Well,if I go up to my attic and lean way out the attic window with my binoculars, I can still see them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:55 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "How about a divorce?".
I told her I wasn't planning to spend that much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 11:28 PM

A group of astrophysicists tired of all the scatalogical jokes being made out of the word Uranus so they proposed changing the planet's name to... Urectum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 10:28 PM

Looking for improper words in the dictionary reminds me of the old lady complaining about the boys who kept whistling dirty songs outside her window...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 11:49 PM

Nerd joke:

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B. Mandlebrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandlebrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:50 AM

I did warn that it was nerdy.

I laughed, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Oct 23 - 03:57 PM

Cartoon, fish and shark, having a conversation.

Shark: hi, what's your name? Fish tells name, then asks, what's your name? Shark answers Gerard...

But most folks just call me AAAAAAAAAARGH!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 07:52 AM

Ooh, good'n.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

I wasn't allowed take my sheep dog in the pub today. It's a ban collie day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

900!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 02:03 PM

That's the last time I go giving blood.

They wanted to know who's blood it was, where I got it and why it was in a bucket!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 10:58 AM

Yay! You've done it Don :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 05:45 PM

The Blackadder episode with Dr Johnson is a cracker.


Yes that was intentional :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Sep 23 - 07:37 AM

How weird - That sprang to mind as I was driving this morning! I had not seen the thread till now/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Sep 23 - 02:05 PM

I have a friend who has started up a new hobby, taking pictures of salmon in different outfits. He says it's really easy, like shooting fish in apparel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Sep 23 - 11:11 AM

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 04:41 AM

In America it's called an elevator while in the UK it's called a lift

I guess we were just raised differently

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Sep 23 - 04:04 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Isiah

Isiah who?

Isiah was going over the far famed Kerry mountains...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Oct 23 - 05:44 PM

I have been diagnosed with Feefiphobia

A fear of giants

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Oct 23 - 01:50 PM

Not a joke but very witty I think

Hanlon's Razor, the idea that you should "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." As with Occam's Razor, where the simplest explanation is the most likely, the simplest likely explanation for something is usually that they're just stupid.

Very suitable for a lot of Mudcat posts :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 06:36 PM

Steve Shaw: There's no apostrophe in _Finnegans Wake_ (the book). But there is one in "Finnegan's Wake" (the song). Joyce was being naughty.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 08:32 AM

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.

One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.

Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 49th anniversary.

Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”

Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 09:54 AM

possibly? That was an antisemitic joke in Germany years ago.
..."Years ago they buried a Jew here and"...

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I won't put my head up your ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 10:18 AM

I live next door to a 90 year old man with Alzheimer's.
Nearly every morning he rings our bell and asks if I know where his wife is. Sometimes before I've had coffee it's hard to tell him that his wife died years ago. We've thought of moving or not answering the door but honestly it's worth it just to see him smile.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 07:08 AM

Fractals.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 05:42 PM

Boss   -   "Where are you?"
Me      -   "I'm on the train heading for the south coast".
Boss   -   "You're supposed be in work!"
Me      -   "But you told me that you wanted me in Brighton early in the morning".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:26 AM

She said....'Please show me an example of innuendo'? So I gave her one!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 12:21 PM

When I forgot her birthday... she said 'well you can just go out now and get me some item with loads of diamonds in'.....so I did. She loves her new pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Sep 23 - 08:10 AM

She said 'Hey Scotsman, is anything worn under your kilt'? He replied 'Noo dear, everything is in purrfect wurrkin order'!

Shesaid 'Do you wear anything under your kilt'? He replied 'Putt yer haand up underneath and find oot'. She did but quickly removed her hand saying ' Ohhh It's gruesome'!!   He said 'Putt yer haand up under again ye'll find its grew some more'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Sep 23 - 06:47 AM

'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and it's Micks' final question for a million pounds. 'Which bird never makes a nest 1) a sparrow, 2)a swallow, 3) a blackbird, 4) a cuckoo. Micks' only lifeline left is phone a friend so the host phones Paddy and Mick asks him the question. Paddy immediately says 'It's the cuckoo'. Mick wins the million pounds!!!!! When he gets home, he asks Paddy 'How did you know it was a cuckoo'?? To which Paddy replied 'Because cuckoos live in clocks you fool'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 19 Oct 23 - 01:55 PM

Isn't the title of Finnegans Wake to do with Finn again awakening?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 07:09 PM

Ye-hah, Bill! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 08:06 PM

Cop on his walkie-talkie back to the station: "I've just arrived at a crime scene: a woman has just shot a man for walking on her wet mopping..."

"Well have you moved in and made an arrest?"

"Are you joking? The mopping is still wet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 07:30 PM

Two old ladies were chatting. Sez one: "Awful thing happened last week. I was cooking the Sunday lunch and I sent my husband to the allotment to pick us a nice cabbage. He was just about to cut it when he dropped dead of a heart attack!"

"Oh my God! That's awful! What did you do?"

"Well, I had to open a tin of peas..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:18 AM

Yebbut I posted my version of that one ages ago...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 12:48 PM

I was poisoned by a water fountain at the Vatican Museums. Fortunately, the symptoms set in the day after we arrived home. We paid for a fast-track ticket but still waited over two hours to get in. Same at the Colosseum. In the words of Dr Johnson, worth seeing, but not worth going to see.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 23 - 06:55 AM

A young man spotted a very old man sitting on a park bench, sobbing his heart out.

"Can I help?" asked the young man.

The old man said, “It’s a lovely day to be out and about. I'm 95 today. I am rich. I have a big country mansion with servants who do everything for me. I have a superb new sports car, a private jet and a yacht. I have a gorgeous young wife who's organising my birthday party right this minute.”

"Blimey, sounds like you should be the happiest man alive! Why the tears?"

"I can't remember where my house is..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 23 - 04:24 PM

An ancient couple were at their friends' house and were chatting away. The old boy said,   “Last night we went out to a fantastic restaurant we've never been to before."

His friend asked what the name of the restaurant was.

"Oh blimey, what was it now...". After a moment's thought he said, "What's the name of that flower you give on Valentines Day, you know, the red one with thorns...?"

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Ah, yes, that's it!"   He turned to his wife and said, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Sep 23 - 06:19 AM

A few one-line groaners from Tim Vine, who was asked what jokes he'd put inside Christmas crackers:

I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them?

The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet.

My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.

I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups.

I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 06:30 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:56 AM

We tend to like simple groans or belly laughs here in the UK. In-jokes or jokes that require much mental processing don't cut it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 23 - 05:23 AM

A bloke was in his garden when there was a terrible crashing sound from inside the house. His wife's friend dashed out in a panic and screamed at the bloke, "Quick! Your wife's fallen downstairs and she unconscious and it looks like she's broken both legs and fractured her skull!"

"Oh, thank God for that!" He replied, "I thought it was my motorbike falling over in the garage..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 23 - 05:35 AM

Possibly politically-incorrect but here goes anyway...

A couple took the wife's mother on a trip to the Holy Land. Sadly, the old lady died on the trip.

The undertaker said to the chap, "You have two choices. I can arrange for her to be flown home for £25000, or you can have her buried here in a simple ceremony for £500."

Without hesitation he replied that he wanted her flown home.

"Well it's up to you, of course, but why would you want to spend all that money when you don't have to?"

The chap replied, "Two thousand years ago they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 12:26 PM

Stop looking for trouble and acting so bloody stupid. I should think that of the eight billion people living on this planet you're the only one who'd see anything "antisemitic" in that joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 12:32 PM

Incidentally, my "politically-incorrect" comment was a reference to the fact that mother-in-law jokes are regarded in some quarters as passé these days, nothing else, a bit like blonde jokes really. I've got plenty more if they'll divert you from adding poison to a light-hearted and generally jovial thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 03:53 PM

A tortoise was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. The police asked him, "Can you tell us exactly what you saw?"

The tortoise replied, "I don't know - it all happened so fast..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 03:55 PM

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?


Who wants to know....?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 23 - 07:35 AM

Bloke goes to the doctors' surgery and asks the receptionist if he can have an urgent appointment. The receptionist says that the doctor hasn't got any appointments left but says she'll try to fit him in if she can tell the doc what it's about.

"There's something wrong with my dick!” he replies rather loudly.

She's a bit shocked and offended and says, “Sir, your language…we have women and children in here! Would you like to try that again?”

"Oh, sorry about that,” the man says, “There's something wrong with my ear”.

"That's better… so what's the matter with your ear, sir?”

The man replies, in a loud voice again, “I can’t piss out of it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 23 - 08:51 AM

One hot day I noticed that my mate appeared to have what looked like a bra strap showing through his t-shirt.

"Is that a bra you're wearing?" said I.

"Er, yeah..."

"Jaysus, man, how long have you been wearing that?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the glove box..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 23 - 09:19 AM

Three Hell's Angels were in a greasy spoon when they noticed that the only other customer was an old bloke sat on his own. They went over to his table in threatening mode, and one of them spat in the old boy's coffee, one poured a load of salt all over his breakfast and one put out his cigarette in his fried egg.

The chap got up without a murmur, paid his bill and left.

"Not much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the greasers.

"Not much of a truck driver either," said the waiter looking out of the window. "He's just reversed over three motor bikes."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 23 - 07:34 AM

An elderly man was hit by a car. Whilst he was still on the road the paramedic cushioned his head and covered him up, then asked him if he was comfortable.

He replied, "Well I have few grand in the bank and a good pension..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 23 - 07:39 AM

I just discovered that there's no apostrophe in Hells Angels. Back off, pedants!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 08:53 AM

Superman and Batman were having a pint and sharing stories.

Superman said, "The other day I was flying over a deserted island when I spotted Wonder Woman lying naked on her back on the beach. I zoomed down, thinking I'd I'd take advantage of the situation..."

"Was she surprised?" asked Batman.

"Yeah, but not as surprised as the Invisible Man..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 08:54 AM

Beware the I'ds of October...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 04:15 AM

Counter to Hanlon's Razor we find Grey's Law, a twist of Clarke's Third Law:
"Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

There's a comment about imitation and flattery, but it escapes me ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:58 AM

.... Oh, and warning for those about to visit the Vatican: They installed airport-type screening kit at the entrance to the Sistine Chapel, sometime between our first and second visits there, and the queues then were four hours long. Perhaps Fabio's missus is still in the queue.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 08:18 AM

Jimmy Carter was right, life is unfair. As we age my hair gets grayer but wife's gets blonder. Go figure.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:59 AM

I thought Mrrzy's joke was funny no matter how you choose to define it. I hope this doesn't lapse into a "What is a joke thread?".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 12:09 PM

A joke thread is not the place for airing out personal grievances, especially in such a lame, unfunny manner.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Oct 23 - 10:22 PM

The person who told me this joke wsx horrified when I laughed...


What did one tampon say to the other?


...




...






...






Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Nov 23 - 09:12 AM

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:04 PM

Dam!

Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Nov 23 - 12:16 AM

"Risk it! Risk it!" (Ssssssssss!)

Sorry again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Nov 23 - 09:25 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 23 - 10:21 AM

Of a similar ilk to Mrrzy's

Fairy grants a BlacK bloke 3 wishes

He says, "I want to be white, uptight and out of sight"

So she turns him into a tampon

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:23 PM

Man walks into a bar and pulls from his pocket a foot tall man and tiny piano. The small man procedes to play the piano much to the amzement of the clientelle.

Barman has to ask where the bloke got the diminutive musician from.

Well, I aksed this genie for a 12" penis but he was very hard of hearing...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 02:34 PM

Does anyone remember when I made a joke about the Chiropractor?


It was about a weak back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 10:58 AM

I have my theories why Steve is such a crab and shellfish. Perhaps he blew a Seal but I'll leave his private life out of it. I know some Brits drink like a fish but it goes deeper than that. He has often fought me in text and hits me with a sucker punch so I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke but there he was Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I could sea the anchor in his eyes. I won't give him a bouquet of flounders or a few minnows of praise because I can not fathom he will ever apollockjize.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 03:34 PM

Spun puns are no fun for Gillymor anymore

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 06:52 AM

The toothbrush said I HATE MY JOB. "Puhleez, do you want to switch jobs for a day" said the TP.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 06:27 AM

Quasi-clever plays on words were the meat and drink of music hall stand-up comedian double acts.

as in:-

"Are you the front end of an ass?"
"No!"
"Are you the front end of an ass?"
"No!"
"Then you must be no end of an ass!"

or

"My dog has no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"

or

"My wife's gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord."


They have a long and honourable role in the history of joke telling.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:49 AM

... tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic.

No more misogynistic than the joke you posted at the top of the thread where a man committed a sexual assault while pretending to guess a woman's age.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:47 AM

Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one.

From: Steve Shaw - PM Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:49 PM

Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face!

Hey Steve, I have no problem with either yours or Mrrzy's joke. It was you who raised the question of misogyny. Pots and kettles.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:00 AM

........, c.1974

........, c.1969


Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 11:07 AM

Man finds a bottle, picks it up and out pops a genie. First wish...loads of money, second wish big house....third wish ...he says he wants a penis which touches the floor.....so the genie gives him four inch legs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:25 AM

From the wall of Gaj's restaurant in the 1960s: Women in Labour keep Capitalism in Power.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Oct 23 - 12:03 PM

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

Conclusion: Speaking English causes heart attacks.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Oct 23 - 12:14 PM

A beautiful young woman comes across an injured man lying in a ditch.

"Good heavens, what happened to you?"

"I came off my motor bike. I'm a bit beaten up but I don't think I've broken anything..."

"Well I happen to be a nurse. Here, get in my car and I'll take you to my place to clean you up."

So off they went. After a couple of hours at her place, during which she cleaned up his wounds and, er, took his mind off things in other ways, he eventually said, "I think I'd better try to contact my wife now..."

"Oh, you didn't tell me you had a wife! Where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, probably..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 05:49 AM

Quasi-clever plays on words are not necessarily jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 09:43 AM

You are not disagreeing with me, Doug, even though you try hard to at times. Read my post again and see if you can spot the word "necessarily" this time round. When you've done that, tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:13 AM

Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one.

I can't think of anyone in my circle of friends who would consider the use of "bitches" in that joke to be appropriate, and we are a jolly lot. It's a derogatory way of referring to women, and the women implied in that joke seem to have done nothing to deserve it unless you think there's something wrong with tampon-wearing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:33 PM

Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face! First, as with most jokes, the scene is totally unreal and ridiculous. Second, he "didn't sexually assault" her. She invited him!

Priest was having a round of golf with his mate.

At the first hole his mate took a swing and completely missed the ball. "Oh SHIT! Missed the bastard!" he shouted.

"Dearie me, my son. Watch your tongue. The Lord above doesn't want to hear that kind of language!"

Second hole, same thing happened. "SHIT! Missed the bastard again!"

"I've warned you, my son. Any more of that language and God may strike you down!"

Next hole, same thing. "SHIT! Missed the bastard AGAIN!!"

Suddenly, the clouds parted, a thunderbolt ripped through the clouds and the priest dropped dead. Came a mighty voice from the heavens, "SHIT! Missed the bastard!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 02:26 PM

My joke didn't have any misogyny. As simple as that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:24 PM

That's similar to the one about the wicked queen in Snow White, the bit where she thinks she's seen Snow White off with the poisoned apple, so she asks her magic mirror:

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?

At last the magic mirror tells her what she wants to hear, but, unbeknown to her, a servant is listening through the keyhole. When the wicked queen has left the room, he sneaks up to the mirror and says:

Mirror mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor!

And his legs dropped off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Nov 23 - 06:43 AM

I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problem. Two weeks later I stand corrected.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:18 AM

What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?


Denis.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:27 AM

There were two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "OK, I'll drive, you shoot the guns..."


(I really must scale back on the fish jokes...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:12 PM

Thank you so much, gillymor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Nov 23 - 08:07 PM

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he come across an Indian laying with his ear against the earth.

He asks, “what are you up to?”

The Indian replies, “Two horses pulling a wagon…a man, two women and a kid on board.”

Impressed, the cowboy says, “That’s amazing, you can tell all that from listening to the vibrations?”

The Indian replies, “No, they just ran over me.”


(I did look up whether "Indian" is regarded as derogatory and couldn't find a settled answer. So I've risked it!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Nov 23 - 04:20 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:05 AM

The toothbrush might hate its job but the bumwipe hates its jobbie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:10 AM

Speaking of which, graffiti seen on the wall of the gents' toilet, Ratagan youth hostel, c. 1974:

"ECONOMY DRIVE: please use both sides of the paper."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:45 AM

Graffiti again, this time on the wall of the gents in the Union building, Imperial College, c.1969:

"Shit hard - it's a long way to the refectory"

and:

"Eat shit - 150,000,000 flies can't be wrong"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:28 AM

I'm sure that some of my/our jokes go back to at least the 1800s, Doug, though undoubtedly many have gone through the folk-joke process...

The oldest known joke is a Sumerian one from 1900 BC. It's a fart joke and I don't get it:

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial ...

A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:16 AM

It's no use standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Nov 23 - 08:25 AM

Lost my next joke. Hope I can remember it. Oh, yeah.

Rich farmer decides to get married. Finds a wife so beautiful, he couldn't keep his hands off her. So he fired'm all and got a combine harvester...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Nov 23 - 12:29 PM

Just been watching the news about the recent Dutch vote, and this occurred to me:

Firebrand: a free-speech extremist who campaigns for the right to shout "FIRE" in a crowded theatre.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 23 - 01:41 PM

One day a Trump Party member is walking through town when he hears a man shout “Down with the Republican with a fat head and ass.” Immediately the Trumpist drags the man to Mara Lago and explains to Donald what he said. Donald, furiously asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Chris Christie. Trump listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way. The Trumper is about to go as well but is stopped by Donald and asked: "Tell me, which fat ass were you thinking of when you dragged that man here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 23 - 01:53 PM

A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's a botanist brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Dear God man, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 24 Nov 23 - 09:04 AM

...and Lo, the animals came to the stable. The ass gave the baby warmth, the cow gave the baby milk. The turkey said:"what an ugly baby" and gave the family their first thanksgiving dinner.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Nov 23 - 11:46 AM

It's the ancient Olympics and the King has been asked to give out the medals.

"To athlete in first place, goes this gold medal;

To the second placed athlete, goes this, ... erm?.., gold medal;

And for third place, we have this ... oh? ... erm?? ..."

The queen steps forward: "OK Midas. I'll take from here!"

Dc

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Nov 23 - 10:13 PM

One day the A817 was visiting Glasgow, and it found a nice-looking pub to spend the evening in. Unbeknownst to our protagonist, the pub was rougher than it looked.

First thing that happened, the doors burst open, and a four-lane motorway stomped in. The various A- and B-roads hurriedly got out of its way, and it went up to the bar. “I’m the M8,” it said in a rough Lowlands accent. “Gimme a pint of snakebite.”

The bartender gave the M8 a pint, but it had hardly started to drink when the doors burst open again, and a six-lane motorway pushed its way in. It hard-shouldered the cringing M8 out of its way, and announced in a coarse south-side Glaswegian accent: “I’m the M74. Gimme a pint of cider and black, ya bas.”

The bartender had barely drawn the cider into the glass, when the door opened quietly, and a weedy little “road” came in: green, with only one white stripe. It approached the bar, and the A817 was bemused when both the M8 and the M74 cringed out of the way, trying to make themselves look as small as possible.

“What’s going on,” whispered the A817 to the cowering M8, as the strange weedy road sat by the bar and ordered a Guinness. “Big tough motorway like you, afraid of a wee thing like that?”

“Aye mate,” said the M8, “I’m a big tough motorway. But yon’s a fucking cyclepath.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Nov 23 - 02:26 AM

I subscribe to a newsletter from a local tent manufacturer. This month's is headed "now is the winter of our discount tents"

Their PR are good :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 23 - 08:45 PM

Woman came home from seeing the doc. She says to her husband, "That went really well! The doc told me that I have the breasts of a 20-year-old!"

Scathingly, he said, "Hmm. Did he say anything about your 60-year-old arse?"

"Well no, dear, he didn't mention you at all..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 06:23 AM

A shamelessly copied Ronnie Corbett joke:

A rural dean once went to visit one of his local priests. He could see the priest looked sad, so he asked what the matter was. The priest replied, “I have had my bicycle stolen, and what is worse, I think it has been stolen by one of my congregation.”

The wise rural dean thought for a second and said, “Ah, what you need to do.. is preach a sermon on the 10 Commandments. When you get to “Thou shalt not steal” look sternly at all the congregation. The person who looks embarrassed will be the one who stole it.”

A few weeks later, the rural dean visited the priest again and he was much happier. The priest told him he had got his bike back. The rural dean said, “Did you preach on the 10 Commandments?”

“Yes.” replied the priest

“And did you find out who took it?”

“Er, not exactly. When I got to “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left it.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 06:28 AM

A woman was reading a letter that her doctor had sent her.

"This is disgusting! Last week he told me I was dyslexic, and now he's written to say that I have tiny tits!"

"Let me see that," said her husband, seizing the letter.

After a moment, he said to her, "The letter says that you have tinnitus..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 07:43 AM

My ex wife came home from the doctors and said 'I think the Doc fancies me'. I asked her why...she replied 'He says a have a cute angina.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 10:04 PM

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Dec 23 - 02:07 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Dec 23 - 05:45 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac??    Stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and conversation. She replied 'No' So I told her we should have a long chat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 04:46 AM

How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 06:06 AM

Steve... did you mean a lgihtblub?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 01:19 PM

Wot?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 05:53 AM

How Many Narcissists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?;

“How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?”
None, they use gaslighting.

One… they hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them…

None, they think their "shining light" is enough for the world.

Light bulb? Everybody knows that isn't a light bulb. And even if it was, it wouldn't need changing. Anyone can see the lighting in here is great. You need to get your eyes checked.

None because we do it for them and then hear about how we did it wrong.

Light bulb? Oh, you mean it’s still not working?

What light bulb?

None, they don't know how to change a bulb, only how to shine it on themselves.

None, they prefer to keep things in the dark anyway.

They just get you to change it and then convince you that they did.

None, because it is all your fault that the light bulb went out.

Depends on who's watching.

None, because they find a source to do everything.

It's not my responsibility.

None. It's someone else's job so they can moan at them later when the bulb ultimately blows again.

They don’t need to change the bulb. It’s not broken. What’s wrong with you? Why would you think that?

It wasn't me.

None. They will leave it for you to do and then complain about how you did it wrong.

Well, I didn’t do it. I think you are imagining it. That bulb isn’t broken. It works just fine. But if it’s dark in the room is really all your fault! And why do you have to be so sensitive. Geez, it’s only a light bulb. I was just kidding you stupid git.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 06:03 AM

How many narcissists does it take to mangle a simple light bulb joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

Just the one, just the one. Got any jokes, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 07:46 AM

Jokes are for people who have no personal concept of a sense of humor.
Jokes are a poor replacement to fill that void.
A man who understands this best is Albert Brooks.
(Albert's original name was Albert Einstein.)
Got any sense of humor, Steve?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 08:38 AM

Since you find jokes so far beneath your highly evolved sense of humor WTF are you doing on a JOKE THREAD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 11:07 AM

Because he likes to troll.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 11:20 AM

"Jokes are for people who have no personal concept of a sense of humor."

That is your best joke Donuel.

Sense of humour. Great sense of humour. We don't all find the same things funnny.

You of all people must already know that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 02:50 PM

You Know You're Old When... Your favorite topic is criticism.
...when you have over 10 words you can no longer say in public.
...when you only have a landline.
...when a simple fall is a life-threatening event.


40's
You Know You Are Old When...
You know you are 40 when you've been there and done that, but don't remember what that was.

You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.

You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.

You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.

You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

You know you are old when you are too old to learn new tricks but your old tricks work just as well.

You Know You Are Old When...
50's
You know you are 50 when you knew when the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you are old when you go to the beach and turn a wonderful color: Blue. It's from holding your stomach in.

You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are old when you tell people you are retro.

You Know You Are Old When...
60's
You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are old when you're told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

You know you are 60 years old when you eat supper at 5 p.m.

You Know You Are Old When...
70's
You don't care if you lose a cell phone.

You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.

You Know You Are Old When...
80's
You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

You know you are 80 when your staying power is for the cake.

You Know You Are Old When...
90's
You know you are old when kidnappers aren't very interested in you.

You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You Know You Are Old When...
100's
You know you are old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are old when you are too old to care.

You know you are 100 years old when you see expensive antiques and you remember one just like it that you threw away.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 03:13 PM

You know you are old when you are frightened by a current photo of Mary Lou Retton.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 08:49 PM

Well plenty of posts, but the 4th has been a joke-free zone. So:

A bloke is seriously ill in a hospital bed, wired up to all sorts of machines and wearing an oxygen mask.

A young nurse pops her head round the door to make sure he's ok, but. he waves his hand to her and calls her in. He asks her, "Please can you tell me if my testicles are black?"

She's somewhat taken aback and she replies that that isn't part of her duties. "Please, nurse, I'm desperate to know!"

Reluctantly she folds back his bedsheets and gently takes down his pj bottoms. Carefully, she eases his "old man" to one side and caresses his testicles.

"Well, everything's fine down there," she reassures him, and replaces his sheets and pj bottoms.

He takes off his oxygen mask momentarily and says, "Thank you, nurse, that was just lovely. But now can you tell me if my test results are back?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 04:40 AM

You know you are old when "forward planning" means not buying green bananas.

Sorry, you're probably sick of these by now...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 10:53 AM

Yo-yo Ma and Buotros Boutros Ghali go out for lunch at a restaurant in New York. The waiter comes to take their order. "I'll have the mahi-mahi." says Yo-yo.

The waiter then turns to Boutros Boutros, "And Your Excellency?"

In response, he asks, "How's the couscous?"

The waiter replies, "So-so."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:31 PM

Heheh. They should have gone to my very favourite Italian restaurant, which is in Bath. It's called Sotto Sotto. No kidding! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM

Excellent New Yorker cartoon!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Dec 23 - 09:41 AM

Meanwhile, back at the ageist jokes:

Growing up is the transition between thinking "Whoopee! an hour's extra partying" when the clocks go back, and instead thinking "Whoopee! an hour's extra sleep".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Dec 23 - 11:11 AM

Getting old involves the change from "Did I forget something?" to "What did I forget?" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Dec 23 - 11:05 AM

Ah, those "hereafter" moments...

As in, what am I here after? when entering the room you went to FOR A REASON which has now skittered out of your mind like a mouse.

I blame doorways.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 06:51 AM

If the GOP holds debates in the forest, does Trump hear it?

Jack yells at the office lunch thief, "That is nacho cheese"
The thief said "I think it's Pepper Jack"
Jack yells louder "That is NOT YOUR CHEESE"

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 08:22 AM

Mitch McConnel is freezing up so often and his reboot takes so long that he is receiving Norton antiviral treatments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 08:39 AM

Don't give up your day job, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:43 PM

> I blame doorways.

How right you are, Mrrzy. I heard of a study once which suggested that humans tend to walk through their own life stories like a film; moving from one room to another causes a scene change, and *that*'s when one forgets why one went through the doorway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 04:14 PM

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"- George Carlin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 06:39 PM

Story of my life: one door closes, another one shuts... :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 07:44 AM

My doctor told me I had one year to live so I shot him........The judge just gave me fifteen years.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 04:42 PM

Sorry about the swearing in the following::

A young novice's first job in her new convent was to keep the birds out of the veg garden. One day, Mother Superior, watching from her upstairs window, to her horror witnessed the young nun waving her arms around shouting "Fuck off, crows!"

She called her into her office and told her, "Now look here, my dear, we don't tolerate that sort of behaviour here."

"So what do I do to get rid of the birds, Mother?"

"You wave your arms and shout 'Shoo, crows!'

THEN they'll fuck off!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 05:14 PM

I read that article!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 07:01 PM

"Article"??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 07:26 AM

1970 called, they want Archie Bunker back but he is currently doing time for an insurrection.

Lauran Bobert was caught giving a hand job at Xmas Mass.

Scrawny Ozempic Santa disappointed children.

Trump now claims he will only be a dictator on year one.

Texas charges fetus as an abortion accomplice.

California homeless encampment wants their own State.

Guilliani gets lit before lighting the tree.

Taylor Swift single again. Her new album is called Fuck Travis Kelce

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 08:14 AM

Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 11:26 AM

and tired
of the same old editorials.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 12:01 PM

Please take your dismal bad taste elsewhere. You can't make jokes and your "offerings" have no place in this thread, which you are clearly trying to ruin. Shame on you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Q. What do you call a hippie's wife?

A. Mississippi.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 08:51 AM

I was in a restaurant the other day and the Mrs had gone to the bathroom when the waiter came to take our order.

"Do you know what she is having?" asked the waiter

"Well, judging by the length of time she has been in there, I can guess..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM

Bathroom, Dave. I love it! I'm just off to the pet peeves thread...:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 12:27 PM

I'm pandering to US sensibilities :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:56 PM

After his contribution of 20 Oct, I'm almost ready to forgive Don for the rest. Almost.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 09:01 PM

Bloke arrives in pub looking all knackered and dishevelled.

"You all right, mate?" asked the landlord.

"Well yeah, but I've just had the weirdest experience. My car broke down a mile down the road, I was gazing helplessly at my engine wondering what to do, when a horse looked over the fence - and told me how to fix it, and I did! A talking horse!!"

"Oh yeah?" said the landlord without even raising an eyebrow, "And what colour was the horse?"

"Black..."

"You were lucky there. There's a grey horse in that field too, and he knows bugger all about engines..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 08:20 AM

Then there's the joke about the white horse called Eric...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 10:57 AM

The three wise men on their camels are heading over to Bethlehem. The one at the back is not moving very quickly and seems to be looking down all the time. The leading wise man says, "Melchior, put that bloomin' Sat-Nav away mate, and just follow the star!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 23 - 10:32 AM

@Steve, the article about doorways. Sorry, should have answered when asked.

There has got to be a good solstice joke. I have none...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Dec 23 - 12:30 PM

I have to go to a winter solstice party at my in-laws later. It's going to be a long night...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 08:00 AM

A Pagan died on Christmas and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why...

"You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good."

"But "Yule is a solstice celebration observed by Pagans as the second sabbat of the Wheel of the Year, marked with rituals to welcome the return of the Sun and celebration of light before Jews and Christians made up Hannukah and Christmas !"

Peter said : "Forget it, we're in charge now"

The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well - Pagan...When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time...A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 4-star slightly seedy resort...

"Woww!" thinks the Pagan, "Hell isn't so bad! I'm happy to be here."

Suddenly, the sky gets black ...and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth...After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again...

"What in Hell was that?" the Pagan asks Satan...

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 10:06 AM

That a good one, Donuel. I have nicked it for future use.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 12:09 PM

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part anthology. Parts A-D are being given away free but you have to fight for your right to part E

I nearly got run over by a Mr Kipling van. Luckily it had exceedingly good brakes

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Dec 23 - 10:36 AM

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."