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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 01 Mar 23 - 08:09 AM Not your typical bar joke but rather like fission chips for lunch. BOOM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 23 - 08:42 AM Do refer to the thread title. A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line beamer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. But as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Trying her best to be nonchalant, she asks, "How much does this lovely car cost?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:24 AM surely you can do better than scatological 'humor'. maybe you can't |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:41 AM Oh, I can do all sorts. Just read the thread, Mr Sourpuss! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:54 AM You remind me of the exchange between Basil Fawlty and the American, Mr Hamilton, in the Waldorf Salad episode: Mr. Hamilton : "You're gonna stay here, nice and quiet, while these people say whether or not they're satisfied. And you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm gonna bust your ASS!" Basil Fawlty, muttering: "Everything's bottoms, isn't it?" Of course, that was nationalities in reserve... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:01 AM I read and write and it is neither inscrutable or obscurant as you claim. I bet you don't know a word that uses all the vowels including y. I unquestionably do. When the past present and future walked into a bar it was tense. You don't know the no-nos from the nose on your face. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:09 AM his dog has no nose... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM Steve's words and punctuation end up in court for sentencing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Mar 23 - 01:38 PM If you correct my English, I will think fewer of you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 23 - 03:59 PM "I bet you don't know a word that uses all the vowels including y." Simple challenges such as this positively invite me to deal with you facetiously. Now tell us a bloody joke fer chrissake. The hold of a plane carrying a cargo of Japanese car parts suddenly burst open. On the ground it was raining Datsun cogs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Mar 23 - 04:41 PM If it rains cats and dogs be careful you don't stand in a poodle |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 23 - 05:43 PM Or a moggie boggie... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:05 PM What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Mar 23 - 04:32 AM For years the UNIX manual page for tunefs (the command for tweaking a file system) had the comment "You can tune a file system but you cannot tune a fish" They were a bundle of laughs those early developers... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 02 Mar 23 - 06:41 AM When commercial sites started using BSD (fondly known by some of us as Berzerkeley Unix), some (*ahem*) managers pruned the "tunafish" joke out of tunefs(8)'s manpage. In SunOS 4.1.1, it had been reinstated, together with a comment in the source: "Take this out and a Unix Demon will dog your steps till the time_t's wrap around." We take our jokes seriously. .... My favourite bit in the BUGS section of a manpage (which I can no longer find) was: "This is a very small candle attempting to illuminate a large, dark problem." Fifty bonus points to whoever rediscovers it for us all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Mar 23 - 10:26 AM In the middle of a conversation with my trans nephew I asked if he'd done something Under duress. He quipped Oh, no, I don't wear duresses any more. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 23 - 06:15 PM The Pope is visiting Canada. After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver: "Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the popemobile. even though I am such a passionate driver!" So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope. After a few kilometers, the Pope is stopped by a police officer. The Pope winds the window down and the policeman immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior: "Lieutenant , i have a problem. I have a speeder here." "What is the problem? Just fine him!" "I think he is a big shot though." "Is he higher ranked than me?" "Lieutenant, i believe that is the case." "Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?" "Lieutenant, i am afraid that is the case." "Who is he then?" "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Mar 23 - 04:12 AM My Grandad used to worry about all the friends he had lost Maybe being a tour guide was a bad career choice |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 03 Mar 23 - 09:07 AM Of course Steve there is always Abstemiously as well as facetiously that have all vowels and a y in the correct order. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Mar 23 - 12:41 PM We were told at school that they were the only two. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 03 Mar 23 - 03:28 PM I sense a missed Tom Swifty. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MudGuard Date: 03 Mar 23 - 03:32 PM more unix fun (at least some years ago these really worked ...): (% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell) % "How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface? Unmatched ". % rm congressional-ethics rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent % ar m God ar: God does not exist % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. % ^How did the sex change^ operation go? Modifier failed. % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. %make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. % sleep with me bad character % got a light? No match. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % ^What is saccharine? Bad substitute. % \(- (-: Command not found. % sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending $ drink opener: not found $ mkdir matter; cat >matter matter: cannot create Or, in a System V (att) universe: $ cat "can of food" cat: cannot open can of food |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Charmion's brother Andrew Date: 04 Mar 23 - 09:30 AM Donuel, your Pope's chauffeur joke needs translation into Canadian. The Pope is visiting Alberta. At the end his official visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of the Canadian Rockies. Twenty kilometres west of Calgary, he says to the driver: "Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the tiny Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the Popemobile, even though I am such a passionate driver!" So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope. After a few kilometers, the Pope is pulled over by an RCMP constable. The Pope winds the window down and the Mountie immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior: "Staff sergeant, I have a problem. I have a speeder here." "What is the problem? Just issue him a ticket!" "I think he is a big shot, though." "Does he out-rank me?" "Staff, I am afraid that is the case." "Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?" "Staff, I believe that is the case." "Who is he then?" "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 04 Mar 23 - 11:13 AM I've also noticed that it goes farther below 0 down here than it does in Canada. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Mar 23 - 05:05 PM Crossing over to my thread about growing mushrooms. I have been encouraging my mushrooms to grow by singing Queen songs at them We are the champignons my friend... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Mar 23 - 05:34 PM :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Mar 23 - 10:58 AM A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away. Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell. The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him: “This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!” Beads of sweat slithered down the count’s face but still he said nothing. The captain gave the signal, and the executioner brought his hatchet down, but just as he did, the count’s courage broke and he blurted out: “No! Wait! I’ll tell you where gold’s hid-“ But it was too late. The axe came down, off came the head, and no one got the gold. The moral of the story is: “Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 07 Mar 23 - 09:18 AM Modesty is the one thing I'm not good at. Because I'm great at it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM That's like me. Humility is my middle name, I'm proud of it and I'll shout it from the bloody rooftops. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 07 Mar 23 - 01:10 PM I used to be big headed but now I am perfect. Modesty is just one of my many qualities. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Geoff Wallis Date: 07 Mar 23 - 01:47 PM I used to be a werewolf, but I'm not one nowwwwoooooooooooo! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Joe_F Date: 07 Mar 23 - 05:59 PM Aliter: Last year I had one glaring fault. I was conceited. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Mar 23 - 10:11 PM I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:03 AM *Sigh* So many women, so little time... *sigh* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 06:45 AM Dunno whether this is apocryphal, but I was told it was true. A new headmaster at a rough school was trying to assert his authority in his first school assembly. He stood on the stage in front of the school and said, "Right, let's get this straight before we start. There are only two bastards in this school, and I'm both of 'em..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:08 AM My brother told me of something that happened at his school assembly once. The Headmaster was having a jolly good rant, and said about something-or-other (I forget what) "This is madness!" At this, the entire fourth year, as one, followed through with "One Step Beyond!" and started doing the appropriate dance (Dur dur durrrr, dur de dur dur durrrr). I believe this was the only time an entire year got detention. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:15 AM I suspect that must have been well planned MaJoC. During my further education at Worsley College of Knowledge there was a dinner lady who always asked the question "Gravy, love?" A few of us practiced the Supremes dance routine and responded with the song "Gravy love, oh gravy love. I need you, oh how I need you love..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:45 AM > I suspect that must have been well planned MaJoC. I was given to understand this was entirely spontaneous. As the offending record was high in the charts at the time, the fourth form were well practiced already, and the response was Pavlovian. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 10 Mar 23 - 01:10 PM When I was in eighth grade, the new English teacher introduced himself this way. "My name is Mr. Newsom, I weigh 220 pounds and I used to teach judo in the Navy now let's get down to studying English." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 10 Mar 23 - 01:32 PM A guy who lived very close to his local zoo, and was well known to the staff was wandering around one day when he came to the wildebeest exhibit. He didn't see the usual resident of the enclosure, and and asked a keeper where it was. The keeper told him that the animal was getting on in years, and was either going to be sent to a retirement pasture or possibly put down. This made the man kinda sad, and on an impulse he asked if it would be possible to adopt it. The keeper said that that was highly regular, but it sounded like a good idea and he would take it up with the management of the zoo. Amazingly, the committee agreed and quietly arranged for the man to have the animal brought to his yard, which was quite spacious and fenced. Well, the man and the wildebeest really bonded, and the guy wondered if he could train his new companion like he had done with a border collie he once had. So he spent several months trying to get it to sit down, lay down on the ground, roll over and even beg for its dinner. Sadly, it was all to no avail, and after a while he gave up, reminding himself of an old saying he once heard. "You can't teach an old Gnu dog tricks." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Michael Date: 10 Mar 23 - 02:13 PM A secondary school I worked in; morning assembly, the head was ranting about a football breaking a window, "Boys who want to play with balls must do so on the tennis court". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 02:42 PM This is absolutely true. A good few years ago, a geography teacher at the secondary school in Bude (shall we call him "Len?") was briefing his class of 15-year-olds before sending them out with clipboards to do a survey of the local shops. His parting shot before sending them out into town was "Right, boys and girls. Don't forget that I'll be in town myself keeping an eye on you, and I don't want to see you boys standing around on the street corners scratching your balls..." "Len" is an old boy now but he's still around. In his day he was a mean, if wayward, trombone player who'd lead the band through town at the start of the Bude jazz festival. If I bump into him in town, even if it's just a sighting across the street, he greets me at 150 decibels like a long-lost friend, and he always asks about our two children by name, who he knew from the north Cornwall schools band ("Trigg"), even though he hasn't seen them now for 25 years. What a star! We need more of his kind! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:15 PM BillD, deer, I gnu I'd regret reading that one... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:34 PM Mrs Steve groaned aloud when I read her Bill's one. That alone proves without the shadow of a doubt what a classic it is, Bill! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 10 Mar 23 - 05:33 PM I was told that, because I had dyslexia, I would never be any good at poetry. Since then, I've made two vases, a jug and a set of bowls, so what do they know? DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 10 Mar 23 - 10:20 PM The right-wing are such degenerate gamblers. They casino Big Lie. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: G-Force Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:41 AM In the words of the great Ben Elton, 'Laugh? I thought I'd never start'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Mar 23 - 07:40 AM Reminds me of the one about Harry's book "Spare." It's the kind of book that, once you've put it down, you can't pick it up again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:05 PM You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. – Albert Einstein It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. – Albert Einstein I tried to imagine the easiest way God could have done it. – Albert Einstein If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. – Albert Einstein |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:15 PM Chauvinistic golfers blame the hole but not their balls. |
