BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 May 23 - 04:08 AM

It's not the size of the wand, old chap...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 May 23 - 08:56 PM

Sorry to hear you are finger sized.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 23 - 06:26 PM

I asked my girlfriend if I could put my finger in her belly button and she said yes.

Whoooaa, She sez. That's not my belly button. It's OK I replied. It's not my finger either...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 02 May 23 - 03:19 AM

Seems Don forgot to include the punchline of the numbered jokes story, so here it is.
A new guy joins in a joke session and, when his turn comes, yells "321!" Everyone falls about laughing. "We've not heard that one before" explains an old lag.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 May 23 - 08:37 PM

Bwahaha!

I am reminded of a bit from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz:

Question to panelist: what are people doing a lot more in old folks' homes than in prior years?

(Banter and wrong guesses about sex)

Answer: getting high. (Apparently the aging hippies are getting older.)

Quip from panelist: I got the munchies, Martha! Where are my teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 May 23 - 06:11 PM

An old lady in a care home is riding in her electric wheelchair up and down her corridor. All of a sudden, an old man leaps out of his room and says to her, "Madam, you were speeding. May I see your driving licence, please?"

She rummages in her handbag, finds a sweet wrapper and hands it to him.

He examines it and says to her, "Well, just a warning this time..."

The next day she's riding up and down again. He leaps out of his room and says, "Madam, you were driving without due care. May I see your licence, please?"

After another rummage she finds an old receipt and hands it to him.

"Very well, I'll let you off this time but please take more care..."

The next day she's doing the same thing. This time he leaps out of his room stark naked with a huge erection.

"Oh no," she exclaimed, "Not the bloody breathalyser again..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 01 May 23 - 02:24 PM

A guy is driving, and his car is weaving
all over the road. A cop pulls
him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms, "that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 May 23 - 12:44 PM

So what mental condition does a person suffer from who continually posts to a joke thread with things that are not jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 May 23 - 11:55 AM

Forgetful repetition can be a symptom of dementia.
Prisoners with long sentences number their jokes to simplify repetition. You guys just told 144 and 405 again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 May 23 - 10:09 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Apr 23 - 05:59 PM

An old boy ended up in a care home for the elderly. After a few weeks his relatives asked the staff how he was getting on.

"He's fantastic!" said the matron. "The only thing is that he has this habit of keeling over sideways when he's sitting in a chair, and he needs someone next to him to make sure he doesn't fall over and push him back upright. Apart from that, we love him!"

So his relatives were really happy to hear that, then they went to his room.

"How are you doing? They asked him.

"Oh, I love it here," he replied. Everything's great, the food the company, the care, everything! But there's just one little thing..."

"Oh, really? What's that then?"

"Well, they won't let me fart..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Apr 23 - 02:09 PM

Lol, both of those last two!

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home

When an old Grandpa John, walked by.

And the one old granny yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

John said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

The second old lady said, "Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, John dropped his drawers.

One of the old aunties asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then the three of them all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, John asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all the old girls happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 06:24 PM

A Frenchman and an American were chatting, and the Frenchman mentioned that he had recently left the Catholic Church. The American asked what Protestant denomination he might be joining. "I have lost my faith", said the Frenchman, "Not my mind".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 05:28 PM

What do we want?

A CURE FOR TOURETTES!

When do we want it?

CUNT!

(May the good Lord forgive me...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 11:55 AM

A beggar approached a rich man on the street and asked him for a few bob. He replied 'neither a borrower nor a lender be (Shakespeare)'. The beggar replied 'cunt (D H Lawrence)'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Apr 23 - 05:42 AM

A Two Ronnies one from the Guardian:

Two men in the pub.

Ronnie 1: Well how have you been, Fred?

Ronnie 2: Not too good Bert. I was riding my bike and slipped off the saddle and hit the bar on my, you know, down there...

Ronnie 1: Rectum?

Ronnie 2: Well it didn't do 'em any good...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 11:49 AM

Meanwhile, back at the jokes:

Seen on a note in front of a dead computer (awaiting replacement of a fried I/O board): UNDER TREATMENT. To which was added, by a fellow staff member: NIL BY MOUSE.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 11:37 AM

Don't get between a sheep, however dead-looking, and her lamb: Geoffrey Howe's resignation speech was a masterclass in vengeance served cold. A subsequent Steve Bell cartoon in the Grauniad showed Maggie Hatchett swinging from a noose, with Howe (as a sheep) holding onto her legs, and Michael Heseltine (dressed as Tarzan) using them to swing from tree to tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 09:12 AM

I could have sworn I typed "Healey..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 08:19 AM

And while we're on political epigrams, let's not forget Denis Healy, who said, of debating with Geoffrey Howe, that it was "like being savaged by a dead sheep." He also said of John Prescott that "he has the face of a man who clubs baby seals.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 08:12 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 04:59 AM

> "A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his
> country."

Towards the end of his premiership, prime minister Harold Macmillan conducted a cabinet purge, known at the time as the Night of the Long Knives. According to the Beeb's retrospective article:

The then-rising political star of the Liberal Party, Jeremy Thorpe, famously summed up the mood in Westminster when he said "greater love hath no man than this - that he lay down his friends for his life."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Apr 23 - 04:39 AM

"Etymologists agree..." Classic weasel words.

My friend offered to let me borrow two of his ermines at a price, which I accepted.

He is now the lessor of two weasels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 08:35 PM

Etymologists agree punch lines remain a mystery, although there are a few ideas about where they might have come from like how funny it is to punch a guy 10 inches below the belly button.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:48 PM

Sounds great. What's the punchline?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:06 PM

No one on the web gets sarcasm.

A new hysterical game show is Rob Reiner's 'NAME THAT NAME',
All contestants must be seventy or older.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 05:19 PM

...And the punchline is...?

Well I've dug up another one, against my better judgement, that might help to educate Donuel as to how to imbue one's political jokes with at least a smidgen of humour. Yes you can have sarcasm. Yes you can even have cynicism. You may groan rather than titter. But anyway, here's one for him.

"A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his country."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 05:03 PM

Biden may be on the older side but it takes wisdom to keep the Kaiser in check. He won't sexually harass Greta Garbo and Jean Harlow. He stays fit doing Mall walking and line walker dancing at home. Sometimes when he's really frisky he'll turn the LP phonograph up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 03:56 PM

Yes, he did say that, but he said it about a really excellent man, which Ronnie was decidedly not. I'm far too humble to see parallels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 02:45 PM

"There you go again"
Ronald Reagan

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 12:49 PM

Donuel, this is a difficult task, especially as it's you, but allow me to apprise you of how to get at least a faint titter out of political jokes. Try these two:

"The word politics comes from 'poly', meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'bloodsucking parasites.'"

Geddit? Did I detect a faint titter?

If that didn't work, try this Ronnie Raygun one, allegedly a genuine quote:

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting..."

See what the rules are? Simple! No twisted, bitter cynicism. An attempt at humour. If you make it up yourself (incredibly ill-advised in your case), try it out on a critical but sympathetic friend (if you have one) before trying it out in public. And one last thing you've yet to absorb: you cannot have a joke about Donald Trump. Go on, give it a whirl!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 12:22 PM

To quote Lennon and McCartney, "can't get no worse".

(Sorry, Dave, we'll split the royalties.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 11:49 AM

I give MOAB the better version/variation.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 11:36 AM

*Bzzt* Repetition.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 09:38 AM

...or as I have said before. Bit like a joke but without the funny bit at the end :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 08:38 AM

That one looked more like a joke, all it lacked was the humor component.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:13 AM

Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, and Alex Jones walk into a bar.
Three billion dollars fly out the door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:57 AM

This is a joke thread. Not a place for exercising your bitter take on politics. Here's a political joke worthy of at least a faint guffaw, unlike yours:

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:49 AM

oy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:16 AM

The GOP wants to test three agencies...
So a white nationalist is released in the capitol building and puts the FBI, CIA, and Florida State Police in charge of tracking down and returning the white nationalist.

The FBI goes in first, and after questioning all sources concludes that White Nationalists are everywhere and look like everyone else and claim the test is a hoax.

The CIA go in second and quickly decides it is a conspiracy theory and the FBI is in on it so they stop their investigation.

The Police go in and come out ten minutes later with a badly beaten up black man saying "ok, ok I'm a white Nationalist."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 06:38 PM

I can fly. Watch it, pal. We birds don't have officially demarcated toilets.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 04:34 PM

When you can fly get back to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 01:12 PM

"Steve Wonders how deep ducks dive."

Steve wonders why you posted a link to a bunch of stupid and irrelevant Amazon ads.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 07:41 AM

Donuel ......'''''I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from bird flu...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.'''''
That is the first of your so called jokes that actually made me laugh. Well done.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 07:30 AM

heh heh heh
Steve Wonders how deep ducks dive.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 04:57 AM

While we're on this theme, an oldie but goodie:

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Microwave it 'til its bill withers...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 02:28 AM

Dad, there's a man at the door with a bill!

Are you sure it's not a duck with a bowler hat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Apr 23 - 06:18 PM

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from bird flu...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

An arrogant platypus was bragging to a duck and the duck said, "when you can fly get back to me".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Apr 23 - 10:28 AM

Ignoring the 'judge's' flawed logic in the above, I am reminded of my own cleverness when I was working in a cabinet shop years ago.
At the end of each day, the shop.. and the floor.. would be covered with various types and levels of sawdust, and we were expected to stop 'about' 10-15 min. before quitting and clean up...
   Well, there were a couple of guys who seemed to consider themselves above such menial work and often did only the minimum.
   So, one day I made a sign at home and brought it in and posted it near the time clock. It said..

" EVEN AS YE SAW, SO SHALL YE SWEEP!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 07:23 PM

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit
A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village at the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate release.

The town judge decided to charge the blacksmith with murder, arguing that he had forged the weapon that ended the guard’s life and was still responsible. Before being found guilty, the blacksmith pleaded for leniency, claiming not to have personally been a part of the murder. The judge only looked at him and stated before delivering his sentence for the murder, “Thou who smelt it, dealt it.”