BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:10 AM

You are sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 07:47 AM

CLEARWATER, FL— May 25th.
Hoping that she had done enough to obtain one of the coveted feminine hygiene products, local Florida woman Jessica Calderon filled out a 25-page application Friday in order to receive a tampon. The Florida legislature included the menstrual cycle as a leading cause of abortion in the killing of an unfertilized egg via tampons. Dr. Elmer Bubba Wilcox testified Thursday on the killing of unfertilized eggs and the all-male legislature amended their 6-week abortion ban in an emergency overnight session.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 May 23 - 02:43 PM

How many Dylan Thomas fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just 'Rage, rage . . ."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:19 PM

Sherlock Holmes was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

“A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.

Watson was struggling with his crossword.

"Holmes, can you help me with this clue - 'in the Californian style...'"?

"A La Monterey, my dear Watson."

"What about this clue, Holmes - 'Conservative MP pays millions to wife after divorce...'"

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one: 'large flat fish with wing-like fins...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Another, Holmes: 'Burglar sets off loud siren noise as he breaks in...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:26 AM

Sorry last one didn't work but it was a sign outside a Northamptonshire Hospital which read 'Family Planning advice..use back entrance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:24 AM

/Users/michaeljohnhill/Desktop/images.jpeg

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:22 AM

Seeing the sign post I was reminded of this....https://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=257

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 23 - 07:41 PM

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in this house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would you let her drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 23 - 04:57 PM

A woman saw her husband standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach.

“Heheh! That’s not going to help you!" she said.

“Yes it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 23 - 02:49 PM

A woman has just gone to bed late one evening when her husband comes into the bedroom with a glass of water and two paracetamol:

"Here, this is for your headache".

"I haven't got a headache".

"WAY HEY! Get your nightie off !"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 22 May 23 - 09:18 AM

https://www.esigns.com/top-30-funny-yard-signs/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 May 23 - 08:40 AM

Just posted on the Get Well Gnu (Gary Owen) thread

I have posted it many times before but never tire of it :-D

What noise does a gnu make?

Bnag!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 May 23 - 06:27 AM

He shouted 'Sympathy, sympathy, where can I find sympathy'?    ~I said you'll find it in the dictionary....somewhere between shit and syphilis.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 20 May 23 - 12:12 PM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 20 May 23 - 10:58 AM

I was walking past a farm, and a sign read: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma.” Then it hit me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 May 23 - 09:33 AM

Someone tried to tell me once that the word Gullible wasn't in the dictionary...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 23 - 06:22 PM

Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?

A: Smiles. There's a mile between the first and last letters.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 May 23 - 11:05 AM

People have accused me of plagiarism

Their words, not mine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 23 - 08:23 AM

Q: How do you spell mousetrap? A: C-A-T.
What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?" A: "The C"
Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?" A: "The Q. (queue) Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? A: A teapot.
Q: When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet? A: Nobody new why.
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward? A: Ton. Q:
Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common? A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.
Q: How do you make seven even? A: Remove the 's'
Q: Why can't you find the letter X in Church? A: Because it was X-communicated.
Q: What's the difference between here and there? A: The letter T.
Can your mom's name with two letters? EZ. How can you spell too much with two letters? XS I know 25 letters in the alphabet I don't know Y. Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short
Q: What is the most important thing a witch needs to learn in school? A: Spelling.
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary? A: Rubber-band -- because it stretches.
Q: What is at the end of the world? A: The letter 'd'
Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/spellingjokes.html

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 May 23 - 03:55 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 23 - 02:49 AM

A 70 year old billionaire arrived at a party with a beautiful 25 year old woman on his arm. His host asked him:
"How did you manage to get such an attractive, young girlfriend?"

"I lied about my age".

"What, you told her you were 35?"

"No, I told her I was 95".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 23 - 08:24 PM

I found that my pack of cards was all stuck together with glue. I just couldn't deal with it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 May 23 - 12:45 PM

What do call a man cutting the grass with a piece of bacon on his head? Mowhamhead

WHat do call a man cutting the grass in the strip between 2 houses with a piece of bacon on his head? Mowhamhead Alley

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 May 23 - 12:24 PM

If pigs could fly, would bacon go up?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 23 - 09:10 AM

What do you call fish with no eyes?

Fsh (only works when spoken!)


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea (ditto)


What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 May 23 - 06:55 AM

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 18 May 23 - 06:01 AM

I thought this was a joke thread. Where's the jokes? (Not counting reactive puns.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:43 PM

Speak of the devil...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:49 PM

There is no such thing as chronic cellulitis. More uninformed nonsense, which makes all the rest of your stuff increasingly unbelievable (if that's even possible).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:49 PM

If you cannoli allow yourself to get pasta yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:45 PM

Instead of honestly being all about my creations...
Some might call you sassy or perhaps cold. I don't want to get into your metaphorical car or break through your dishonesty wall but
in fact you are in desperate need of; a new diet, Cephelexin or Augmentin long term for chronic cellulitis, and precautions while gardening before your elevens are up. If you think I'm wrong try effectively swinging a pick ax. Don't kill yourself. No joke.
Thats only physical advice. Personality wise I see no hope.
Still, try to see the right thing to do and just do it this summer.
Time's a'wastin.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 01:06 PM

He needs to give himself paws for thought. I haven't seen a single claws in any of his posts that's been up to scratch. All just fake mews.

The man who invented cats' eyes to light up the road said that he was inspired when he saw the reflection of bright light from a real cat's eyes. Had the cat been facing the other way he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 May 23 - 10:50 AM

Maybe not but you seem to be feline pretty good about yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 May 23 - 10:34 AM

...mind you, I'm not purrrfect

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 May 23 - 09:41 AM

I think he's barking mad, Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 May 23 - 08:09 AM

Not funny ,Don, just creepy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:42 AM

But have you got any jokes for this thread?

I think I've just turned into a cat. Don't ask meow...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:36 AM

A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.
The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”
Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”
The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months from now in biology class.”.


Nostrildumbass was a
coke-head prophet.
With a bad supply
He began to die
of a bad case of
an empty wallet

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 10 May 23 - 11:37 AM

Sam goes to a comparative religion seminar with very mixed clergy.

A Christian priest comes up to him, lays his hands on him and says, "My son, by the grace of Jesus Christ, you will walk today.

Sam smiles and replies "There is nothing wrong with my feet, Father, I am not paralyzed."

Then a rabbi came over and put a hand on Sam's shoulder saying, "By the will of Ashem, you will walk today, my son."

Sam, unamused, replies "There is nothing wrong with me."

Then a mullah comes over and touches him and says "If Allah wills it, you walk today."

Sam, now somewhat perturbed, replies "There is nothing wrong with me."

Then a Buddhist monk came over, bowed slightly and says "By Hammidah Buddha, you will walk today."

Now rudely Sam shouts "There is nothing wrong with me. You are all pandering charlatans!"

And with that Sam angrily leaves the seminar.

Upon going outside, Sam discovers his car has been stolen.

[Does this one have a number? I couldn't find it.]

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 May 23 - 09:31 AM

whoa!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 23 - 09:06 AM

Why couldn't Luke find love?

He was looking in Alderan places!

May the Fourth be with you all!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 23 - 09:02 AM

So claim the meatless...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 May 23 - 07:54 AM

It ain't da meat it's da motion.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 May 23 - 04:08 AM

It's not the size of the wand, old chap...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 May 23 - 08:56 PM

Sorry to hear you are finger sized.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 23 - 06:26 PM

I asked my girlfriend if I could put my finger in her belly button and she said yes.

Whoooaa, She sez. That's not my belly button. It's OK I replied. It's not my finger either...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 02 May 23 - 03:19 AM

Seems Don forgot to include the punchline of the numbered jokes story, so here it is.
A new guy joins in a joke session and, when his turn comes, yells "321!" Everyone falls about laughing. "We've not heard that one before" explains an old lag.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 May 23 - 08:37 PM

Bwahaha!

I am reminded of a bit from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz:

Question to panelist: what are people doing a lot more in old folks' homes than in prior years?

(Banter and wrong guesses about sex)

Answer: getting high. (Apparently the aging hippies are getting older.)

Quip from panelist: I got the munchies, Martha! Where are my teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 May 23 - 06:11 PM

An old lady in a care home is riding in her electric wheelchair up and down her corridor. All of a sudden, an old man leaps out of his room and says to her, "Madam, you were speeding. May I see your driving licence, please?"

She rummages in her handbag, finds a sweet wrapper and hands it to him.

He examines it and says to her, "Well, just a warning this time..."

The next day she's riding up and down again. He leaps out of his room and says, "Madam, you were driving without due care. May I see your licence, please?"

After another rummage she finds an old receipt and hands it to him.

"Very well, I'll let you off this time but please take more care..."

The next day she's doing the same thing. This time he leaps out of his room stark naked with a huge erection.

"Oh no," she exclaimed, "Not the bloody breathalyser again..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 01 May 23 - 02:24 PM

A guy is driving, and his car is weaving
all over the road. A cop pulls
him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms, "that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."