BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:38 PM

Did he throw the whole lump at one go, in which case emmental of it to hit you? Edam it, man, tell us!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:34 PM

Unless, of course, he missed you completely, which would have been a rarebit of luck...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:33 PM

Did he throw your own cheese at you or was it nacho cheese? If he achieved his aim and hit you, it sounds very much like a feta complis to me...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:29 PM

Did the cheese stay in one piece or was there a lot of de brie?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:07 PM

Did he miss or did he throw it caerphilly?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 05:53 PM

A bloke just threw a lump of cheese at me

How dare 'e!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 06:45 AM

I saw my wife bending over the freezer and suddenly felt compelled to make love there and then. So I came up behind her and did the deed. However I am never doing the same thing again.....   We are banned from that supermarket!!!!!!.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 05:02 AM

My favourite t-shirt slogan is "Either you like bacon or you're wrong." I know it has connotations with pig-headed and fallacious argumentation (see what I did there?), but, taken literally, it chimes with me. Unsmoked dry-cured streaky done almost but not quite to a crisp, please!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Helen
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 08:38 PM

I tried posting this in the Frayed Knot thread but it's closed. I found a t shirt online and bought it because this is my favourite joke - well, one of my faves anyway.

Frayed Knot t shirt

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 01:04 PM

I could have sworn I just heard the weatherman say there'd be "a crap of thunder". Is that a strike so loud you shit yourself, or farting and following through?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 10:05 AM

Good one Bill, it reminds me that 99.9999% of all the lawyers in the USA make the rest of them look bad.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 09:42 AM

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
        The housewife replied, "Four!".

The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Apr 23 - 07:14 PM

D t G...
reminds me of the guy who went to his priest and asked if he and his wife would be thrown out of the church.

"Why? What happened to give you that concern?"

"Well, the other day, I caught her bending over the tomatoes, and I just had to have her.... so I did!"

"Um.. that sounds unusual, but kind of romantic. Why would you think you'd be thrown out of the church?"

"Well, they threw us out of the Safeway!" (or Sainsbury's, if you prefer.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 03:38 AM

The Mrs and I heard that for a better sex life we should make love whenever and wherever the mood strikes us. I'm not sure they will let us in Sainsbury's on a Saturday afternoon again.

(I bet that getting my willy out in Sainsbury's got more reaction than a troll post on Mudcat:-) )

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 01:38 AM

SLAP!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 01:37 AM

I've been planting annual seeds, rose vines and bulbs.
Steve please don't have another psychotic break, or as they called it in your day, 'running amock'.

I bet $100 I can get more reaction with a wave of my hand than one of your jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 07:57 PM

I'd love the joke to be on me if it raised a laugh. I'd love the joke to be on you but I see naught but tragedy in your direction, and you appear to be having a bad week across the threads. I blame memories of mushrooms. Anyway.

I love trying to pack myself into a small suitcase but I really struggle. I can hardly contain myself.

I went out once with a girl called Simile but we didn't get on. I don't know what I metaphor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 07:03 PM

This is the editorial thread for Steve. The joke is on him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 03:43 PM

Got anything that's actually funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 08:34 AM

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.


What is the difference between a gun with a blocked barrel and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 Apr 23 - 03:41 PM

I went to visit a friend in hospital but he was asleep when I got there. The nurse explained that he had a very restless night and it would be better to leave him to sleep.

I noticed that the patient in the next bed had no visitors and, as I had to wait the best part of an hour for my bus home, I decided to have a chat with him. It turned out that he was foreign and didn’t seem to speak much English but I did my best. After only a few minutes, he became quite agitated, snatched off the mask he was wearing, blurted out some unintelligible words and collapsed into unconsciousness. I called the nurse, who call the resuscitation team but it was too late – he had passed away.

I realised that I had heard his last words. It was my duty to try to fulfill his dying wish. I wrote down his words, phonetically, as best I could while they were still fresh in my mind. They didn’t sound French, Spanish or Italian but I thought that it could be German or Scandinavian. A German speaking friend suggested that it was more likely eastern European. After trying, Polish, Czech, Hungarian, and various others, with the aid of Google Translate, he eventually came up with a rough translation:-

“Get your chair off my oxygen pipe!”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 23 - 02:53 PM

I went visiting my friend in hospital and it was sad to see her lay there with a tube stuck up her nose.

I keep telling her to stop snorting Smarties

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 23 - 06:03 PM

A bit of vintage Tommy Cooper.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.'
He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster,' and he brought me this lobster. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Michael
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 05:54 PM

And one from my childhood: Have you ever seen a hospital in the middle of the road? (A not uncommon sight back then).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:58 AM

Awwww. I remember Mmario well. Long live your memory, Leo.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:37 AM

Our own late, lamented Mmario:
(Leo Pola)
Put that Budweiser back in the Clydesdale

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:03 AM

What's a hospital? A nasty equine grolly...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 09:56 AM

What's a hospice?

About a bucket and half...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 09:49 AM

Speaking of twelve horse ale Bill, I always thought they should put it back in the horse. But then I don't think the horse wants it back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 07:20 AM

Do folks who call their beer bear piss, know something from experience?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 06:50 PM

Now that has my dander up! Not MY beer. That hasn't been true since about 1980. It was true before about 1977, but not funny even then.
Sample: "What does 12 Horse Ale mean?"

Two horses per bottle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 05:29 PM

Q. Why is American beer served so cold?

A. To make it easily distinguishable from urine!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 04:42 PM

A man went to his doctor complaining that his hands kept shaking all the time. The doc asked him if he drank a lot, he replied no I spill most of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 12:13 PM

There are some good laughs in there, Don, but it's also depressing to consider the subject and his toxic effect on humanity.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 12:06 PM

Oh dear, wrong thread, Donuel. Hope you don't mind but I've copied it to the Trump thread for you. All of it.

---

That post was relocated here: Trump thread and the dup removed. ---mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 06:50 AM

Steve. That just reminded me of my last conversation on the phone with an old friend. We were talking about urination and regularity or irregularity. He said I urinate every morning at 7.30am ....the problem is that I don't wake up till 8.00.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 23 - 05:56 AM

You have a thread for Trump. We have a thread for Brit politics. Kindly refrain from unfunny efforts to spill Trump over into this thread.

A bloke accidentally cut off all his fingers with his chainsaw so he rushed to the doctor's.

"Well give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do..."

"I haven't got them with me!"

"What! Why on earth not?"

"I couldn't pick them up!"


"Doctor! Doctor! Every morning when I get up I feel dizzy for an hour!"

"Well try getting up an hour later!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 23 - 11:35 PM

For her birthday Donald got Melania a gildo.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 23 - 11:39 AM

What are mountain goats called?
Hillbillys.

what ever floats your goat.

I'll get me cat and goat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 03:02 PM

Hors d'oeuvres: eggs laid by horses.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 02:00 PM

Hors de combat: camp followers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 10:22 AM

.... because he knew someone .... - not new someone

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Apr 23 - 10:16 AM

A group of twenty year olds were on a night out and were trying to decided were to go next. One of them suggested the Dog & Duck because he new someone there who could them some weed.

Ten years on, they decided to have a reunion and chose the Dog & Duck because the barmaid there had really big knockers and always wore a low cut top.

When they turned forty, they chose the Dog & Duck because it was a real ale pub, recommended by CAMRA, and had some of the best tasting bitter in town.

For their reunion on reaching fifty, one of them suggested the Dog & Duck because he had heard that that the food was really good there.

Another ten years passed and the natural place for their reunion was the Dog & Duck because it had good parking, well lit and you could leave your car there without worry.

When they got to seventy, the Dog & Duck was suggested because it had a ramp up to the front door and the toilets were some of the best that they had found.

At eighty, one them said "Why don't we go to the Dog & Duck. We've never been there before".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 23 - 04:30 PM

Overheard at the bar

My dick's 6 inches and I use it often

Mine's 12 inches but I don't use it as a rule

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Apr 23 - 04:26 PM

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 30cm tall. He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 23 - 09:01 AM

Oh, I remembered. It was a Phillips screwdriver.

I liked pile driver better...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Apr 23 - 07:07 AM

Steve Shaw... on the subject of innuendos. My ex once asked me for an example of innuendo, so I gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 10:56 PM

It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had 2 or 3.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 10:12 PM

Someone asked, what is vodka and milk of magnesia? Their answer was forgettable. My guess was, a pile driver.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 02 Apr 23 - 02:25 PM

Did you hear about the guy who thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository?