BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 08:14 AM

Th consultant surgeon asked the patient if he wanted the good news or bad news first. 'The bad news first' replied the patient. 'Well' said the consultant surgeon, 'We took your good leg off by mistake'. 'Oh No' replied the patient, 'you had better give me the good news'.....'Well' said the consultant surgeon, 'Your bad leg seems to be getting better'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:39 AM

It's Deja Vu all over again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:31 AM

I got an email about reading maps bac...

Oh, hang on...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 05:53 AM

May I just point out that Desperate Dan was in 'The Dandy', not 'The Beano'.

Dandy's demise

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 05:19 AM

He always kept the horns on for his cow pie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 04:56 AM

A joke for Beano readers:

Desperate Dan was ordering a jumbo steak in the restaurant.

"How would you like your meat, sir?"

"I'm not fussy. Just pull the cow's horns out and wipe its arse..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 03:54 AM

Beyond me...

When I was a junior clerk at the council offices my boss sent me to get him a ham sandwich from the local shop

"What if they don't have one?", I asked

"Oh, get me anything.", he replied

He wasn't very impressed with the bar of soap I brought back

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 11:02 PM

Yesterday was groundhog day when he predicted 6 more weeks of mass shootings and he was shot by a hunter with his AR 15.

whose coat is this?
I found a 20-year-old condom in the pocket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 10:46 PM

I got an email yesterday explaining that mudcat jokes are atavistic.

I'll get your coat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 07:17 PM

Bloke went up to the desk in the library and announced loudly, "Fish and chips, please."

"Shhh! Do you mind, sir? This is a library!"

"Oh, sorry..." (lowers his voice to a quiet whisper)... "Fish and chips, please..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 07:11 PM

I rang my wife and asked if she'd like me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home.

She just grunted. I have a feeling that she still resents the fact that she allowed me to pick the names for our twins...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 05:37 PM

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.


Shit...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 03:37 PM

Ahhh. Sorry Steve and Gillymor.

I blame it on old age and poverty. Or deja vu.

Have I said that before?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 03:33 PM

You'll hear from my attorneys in the morning, Gnome. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 02:20 PM

Er, Dave...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 02:06 PM

I got an email offering to teach me how to read maps backwards

Turns out it was spam

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

I heard somewhere that Raab isn't his real surname, rather it's his GCSE grades, thus:

Dominic? Ah! A A B!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 11:31 AM

What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole?





















Dominic Raab's necktie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 10:37 AM

Steve, put your coat back n. That was funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 06:56 AM

A dung beetle walked into a bar and asked, "Is this stool taken?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:31 PM

Whoops, here's the one I meant to repost-

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:27 PM

Once more-

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A psychiatrist shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says, “A man and woman making love.”

He shows him another inkblot, and the patient says, "That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychiatrist says, "You're obsessed with sex!”

The patient says, “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:30 PM

that last joke doesn't work in Hebrew.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.
Everyone loves a tanks giving turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:19 PM

What is very heavy going forwards but not backwards?

Ton.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:25 PM

Tht jk s jst bllcks f y sk m, Dv.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

Wht d y gt f y rmv ll th vwls?

Rbbsh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:02 PM

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:59 AM

If your reply over on the Brexit thread started with "Sarkey ...", then it did take although it's not there now.

Anyway, not to waste a good joke, here it is again:-

A man was driving across country when he took a call from his wife on his hands-free phone. In an agitated voice, she said:
"If you're on the motorway, be careful. It's just been on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the M62".
"It's worse than that" he replied. "I'm on the M62 and they're all driving the wrong way'.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:43 AM

Report? Mudcat was down for a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Oh yes, your joke too...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Dunno, but I composed a reply, which wouldn't send, now yours is missing so I have a redundant post saved up! You were taking the mick because you think I mention Blair Peach too many times, I think, something like that anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:19 AM

What happened to the joke I posted this morning?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A bloke was coming round after his operation when the surgeon appeared at his bedside.

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doc.

"Oh God! Well tell me the good news first, Doc!"

"Well, remember I said that your whole right leg would have to come off? Thing is, we only had to remove half of it after all!"

"Oh, that's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:49 PM

I suppose. Now do you know any jokes, preferably told in plain English? I've tried hard to accommodate your style by coming up with an arcane and obscurantist way of saying the following, but I've failed miserably in that quest. So the very best I can do is to say it this way:

Ahem:

"This is a joke thread."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 05:20 PM

Sabine Hossenfelder has a very dry sense of humour on her Science Youtube channel. see Science News: @ 18:26

Basically when asked how to solve a problem with a quantum computer, she suggested "have you tried switching it on and off ............. at the same time"

Caveat for our resident kibitzer - "humour is relative" - some people can't relate, and it shows.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 12:07 PM

"Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread."

Sorry, but you're not getting away with that. It's just a feeble attempt to somehow legitimise your plethora of non-jokes, to somehow set them alongside the genuine jokes as equal in value to the real jokes, in what is a thread that's meant to be carefree and lighthearted. Your dozens of moans and non-jokes have been a concerted attempt to derail the thread for bitter reasons known only to you. A good joke exists in order to give us a belly laugh at best, failing that a titter at least, and occasionally a groan get-me-coat moment. It matters not a jot if they are unoriginal googles or repeats. You clearly don't understand any of these things. A good thing for you to do would be to review all your posts to this thread and reflect honestly on what you've really been trying to do.

Anyway.

A frantic man is on the phone to the nurse. "You've got to help me! My wife's waters have broken and her contractions are only two minutes apart! HELP!"

The nurse asks calmly, "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot! This is her husband!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:20 AM

A wizard walked into a gay bar ...

... and disappeared with a *poof*!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:17 AM

Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread.

“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” — Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation… but I hear that it’s coming quickly.” ? Mel Brooks
“I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
"double entendres like these are put in a class of pun humor but they are no joke." - Donuel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 10:08 AM

Somebody said, maybe Mark Twain, analyzing humor is like vivisection, you may get some answers but the subject dies on the table.

Once again- Joke Thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 09:19 AM

Last night I had dinner at a new place called Karma Cafe. There were no menus, they just served you what you deserved.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:52 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to do it normally and the other three all to do it in slightly different ways. There must be folk process...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:57 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it and three to sing in close harmony about the dead one

How many traditiohal folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Nothing must change


How many singer songwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change it and five to write deep meaningful songs about their relationship with the old one

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: leeneia
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 03:08 PM

Hi, Donuel. I liked gillymor's limerick too. Since it ends up as a comment upon itself, it qualifies as a meta-limerick, don't you think?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 06:35 AM

There was a young man from Hunts
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the c.... in the punts
and the tricks of the p..... that were f...ing 'em

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 09:05 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that one cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM

Good link there, Mrrzy! :-)


There was a young lady named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap,
And cried “Gordon, you're right up my alley!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:58 PM

Well, if it's limericks you want...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 01:07 PM

I haven't got any secrets. I must say, gillymor, that "Bude" is almost as fertile ground as "Nantucket" when it comes to limericks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 07:10 AM

What we say no to in life is as important as what we say yes to.
Thw liars culture of yours, stevie, is the same as people who verbally attacked 82 year old Paul Pelosi, or the petroleum industry who we expect to lie, that they are the only stable answer to energy needs. The liars culture now includes deep fakes. Defending against fakes is proving too difficult so an asterisk is given what can be proved real.
For people like you who have no respect for people except yourself are aiding and abetting the liars culture. Next I will give examples of your words even if it is anachronistic. Taking a stand against lies is a noble cause in this day and age no matter how small or large. You could regret that your deepest secret might be divulged but I do not engage in extortion. The truth is, I liked the gilly limerick.