BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 02:44 AM

Your analytical skills are zilch. You are mushroom-addled and the upshot is that you regularly make a complete fool of yourself. You are also bitter, jealous, obsessive, resentful and full of sour grapes and confused about everything you think you're good at. Bet you can't tell us a joke.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandad, not like the shouting and screaming passengers in his car...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 02:37 AM

From his sometimes deep, sometimes whimsical output I am fast coming to the conclusion that our Don is actually a covert AI.

Now can we get back to the jokes please?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 07:11 PM

What I find fantastically funny about Steve is that he is incredibly fragile sitting precariously on top of a huge pile of rage, all the while sincerely caring about society from his point of view. His outrage is a veneer but he tries to make it sound tectonically deep. He is like the Super Dave of the joke thread, sounding so serious it's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 03:52 PM

Obviously far above my low level sense of humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 02:36 PM

A man was looking for footnotes in the Joke thread. Not finding any, he decided to stick to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 01:28 PM

If I find a good joke that I can just copy and paste, I'll acknowledge the source. Far more often I find with a longer joke that I can edit it to make it more pithy, and I might change a few details too. All good. It's called the "jolk process." But seeing a beautifully literate but unattributed copy-and-paste posted by someone who we know to be semi-literate is, er, no joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 01:18 PM

Serves you right for pointing out the obvious C&P :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 11:40 AM

You're the creep for posting this nonsense in the joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 11:01 AM

Last time I bought a train ticket I asked for a return ticket

Where to? Asked the clerk

Back here...


I am a black belt in the martial art of Kung Shui

Arranging the furniture so your enemies fall over it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 10:42 AM

Is an atheist like Steve who goes to church a hypocrite or a
hyper creep?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 09:09 AM

My brother never finishes anything. He's a black belt in Partial Art.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 06:18 AM

A woman rang her husband and wailed in agitated tones, "I'm in casualty!"

"Oh, right..."

Three hours later she rang him again, almost hysterical this time, "I told you I was in casualty! Where the hell are you!"

"I'm at home," he said, "I've just watched the last three episodes you recorded and I didn't see you in any of them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 06:13 AM

Well yes, but it's just a straight copy 'n' paste!

Chap went to the ticket office at the railway station and asked, "What time does the next train to Manchester leave at?"

"Tut tut, dearie me, sir, didn't they tell you at school never to end a sentence with a preposition?"

"OK. What time does the next train to Manchester leave at, BASTARD?

"Quarter past two.."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Aug 23 - 09:17 AM

Good one, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Aug 23 - 09:01 AM

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.


The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"


To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Jul 23 - 03:46 PM

Have you've heard of the guy who regularly ate at a restaurant near a
bull-ring. Their specialty was cojones, big, juicy and meaty.
Except one evening when he ordered the same dish... but the cojones were small, shriveled and bitter.
"Why?" he asked.
"Well, senor, it's not always the
bull that loses."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jul 23 - 11:29 AM

dark and hilarious

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 23 - 09:59 AM

Sign:
WEST COLESVILLE
AUTOPSY CLUB MEETING SAT
OPEN MIKE NITE

Comment: Sucks to be Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 08:23 PM

OK All of us are spared, except you.


This statement is false. T or F

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 07:30 PM

Don't waste time trying to remember it. Spare us.

I was going to tell you a joke about boxing, but I've forgotten the punch line...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 06:59 PM

I was going to tell you a joke about ultimate fighting for kicks but I forgot the punch line.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jul 23 - 05:42 PM

Booby trap backwards is Party boob

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Jul 23 - 10:38 AM

Herself is browsing through the latest Leger holiday brochure.

"[incredulous] *Transylvania* Christmas market? [dispirited] .... Oh, you've gotta fly."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jul 23 - 04:46 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jul 23 - 05:42 AM

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walk into a bar.

"Bloody 'ell," thought the barman, "This is no joke..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jul 23 - 05:40 AM

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "Drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Jul 23 - 04:24 AM

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve particles faster than light"

A neutrino walks into a bar

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 13 Jul 23 - 11:05 AM

Badgers live in setts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jul 23 - 10:37 AM

Interesting fact: the average human being has almost exactly one testicle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jul 23 - 09:04 AM

A MASH memory, that bird joke.

Someone explain the badger one? I know what paracetamol is...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jul 23 - 05:43 PM

I went to the doc and said, Doc, I think I'm losing my memory. He said, how long has this been going on? I said, how long has what been going on?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jul 23 - 04:49 PM

The doctor asked me how long I'd suffered from amnesia.

I said as long as I can remember...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 06:04 PM

Guy owns a small circus. One day a small fellow walks in and asks for a job.
"Doing what?" the owner asks, "We have plenty of help."

"Oh, I want to join the circus", the little guy says, "I have an act."

"What do you do?", replies the owner, "we already have clowns and acrobats and most of the usual acts."

"Let's go out into the arena, and I'll show you.",the little man says.
So they walked to the center ring and little guy goes to the center pole and shinnys up it almost to the top. He swings from one of the cables and launches himself out into space! He begins flapping his arms and soars around the tent, dipping and looping as he flaps furiously. Finally, he makes a long, graceful dive and lands carefully right at the feet of the owner.

"So?" remarks the owner," that's all you do... bird imitations?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 05:36 PM

Why can't you get painkillers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 05:32 PM

Fresh off the slab, so I don't see why you lot shouldn't suffer ---

Q: What do you give a badger with a headache?

A: Parasettamol.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 05:19 AM

Write carefully, Dave. Don't blow it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 02:42 AM

Just make sure you do it with gusto. She can be quite severe, Gale...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jul 23 - 02:01 AM

I'm writing it for my friend Gale

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 08:34 PM

That's just DtG blustering again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 07:12 PM

Unless he gets the wind up!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 04:04 PM

That should be easy enough for you. In fact, it'll be a breeze.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 02:22 PM

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes

It's just a draft at the moment

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 02:02 PM

Dad's mug says "I can't keep calm. I'm a Norwich City supporter". That one is true...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 12:29 PM

Then there were the 'do it' ones, like 'hedgehogs do it carefully'. You can get tired of them eventually, unless you get a really clever one. But as a concertina player, I did like the car sticker 'honk if you play a Jeffries'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 07:58 AM

Then there's the "Keep calm and..." one. One mug-shaped remnant of that craze sits on our kitchen windowsill: "Keep calm and listen to the Archers." Terrible advice in m'humble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 06 Jul 23 - 07:03 AM

There was a spate of headlines in the English papers using the "rools OK" trope, up to and beyond the tiresomeness event horizon. What finally stopped it IIRC was someone saying "Dyslexia lures KO" in a radio programme.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 12:58 PM

Before crowbars were invented, did crows drink at home??

My ex said ‘’I don’t understand what cloning is’’. I said ‘’That makes two of us’’

My friend once asked me what the secret of my happy marriage was. I said ‘’Chemistry’’……. ‘’I am on vallium and she’s on Prozac.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 11:11 AM

Did you hear about the bloke who refused to believe he was gay and dyslexic?

He was in Daniel.


What does "DNA" stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.


What's a really good job for someone with dyslexia?

Taxi driver. It's as easy as C A B.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 10:02 AM

That's more like it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 23 - 09:30 AM

My dyslexic band has finally released its Greatest Shit album.