BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 05:24 PM

A bit like "I do like you, but your shit stinks. Nothing personal..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 04:24 PM

Not quite a joke but just saw a great and apt meme on Faceache

"I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a funking idiot"

:-D

Apologies for the swearing and reference to (anti)social media!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 04:14 PM

The bottom line here in this thread (wot I myself started) is that what we want is levity. Lightheartedness. A good chortle, a smirk, even a groan. I give not a flying shite whether a given joke has been here two, three or four times before. When I was a kid, I exulted in telling the same joke over and over again. I'm delighted that my seven-year-old grandson is just the same. Donuel can put his "truth" into lots of other threads, many of which he has started himself. So I have to ask myself why he feels the need to pollute this thread with his so-called truth, and his terrible, terrible attempts to make up his own jokes. I can't make up my own jokes. I haven't got that kind of talent. I rely on Ken Dodd, Tim Vine, Tommy Cooper, even the Reader's bloody Digest. I can tell funny stories about things that have happened to me, etc., but they are not jokes. I don't want anyone in this thread getting all heavy, philosophical or moralising. There are threads aplenty where you can do that. This thread needs to be an oasis of more-or-less innocent fun in this fraught world of ours.

Or, to be more succinct, sod off, Donuel.

By way of postscript, here is my grandson's favourite joke.

Why did the little boy fall off his bike?

Because his mother threw a refrigerator at him.

(Just imagine that you're seven again when you read that joke. It works for me!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:23 PM

Enough is enough Don. I have tried to understand and thought it was me but you have proven to be beyond understanding by most people. Fine. Nothing wrong with marching to the beat of your own drum but when you keep shitting in the same garden, you get kicked.

Now, how about you leave us lesser beings alone and just talk to whatever beings you consider worthy. Which is just another way of saying f... Which reminds me...

Old tramp approaches a well to do bloke for the price of a cup of tea.

" Neither a borrower nor a lender be. William Shakespeare " sez the toff.

The old tramp replies " Fuck off. James Joyce "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:15 PM

...actually it was my yak.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:14 PM

Funny, that was my cow's answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:06 PM

.... I leave the corollary as an exercise for the student.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:04 PM

> I asked my cat "what's 2 minus 2?".

Your cat is a Zen master: the correct answer, of course, is Mu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 12:49 PM

Dave the Gnome at heart is not a dog kicker. He's a knobhead lover.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM

I asked my cat "what's 2 minus 2?".
She said nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:42 AM

If I was critical I would say a misspelling joke is not that great.
Some prefer empty Zen, or Feng Shui and others Victorian clutter.
My wife decided to adopt a "Feng Shui" approach to our house
Which is a Chinese translation of "you no longer get an opinion"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:08 AM

Its a shame you are anti truth.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:05 AM

I think you may have something with the hardware incompatibility analogy, Don. Trouble is your transmitter is causing interference with everyone else's receivers and, unfortunately, drowning out a lot of the better exchanges. How about you limit your transmissions to those who understand what the fuck you are talking about?

I have an analogy that I have used before. If my local pub starts getting pestered by a knobhead who just talks bollocks all the time, the rgulars have a choice. Either they leave or they ask the landlord to throw him out. Sorry to have to tell you, but you are that knobhead and, before long, the management will realise. It is well and good saying ignore it but, to use another analogy, if a dog keeps shitting on your front lawn you can either ignore it or kick the dog.

Anyroads...

What's green, has eight legs and if it fell on you out of a tree it would kill you?

A snooker table.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 10:23 AM

I got it but merely smirked silently, Dave.

No-one is trying to insult you, o jokeless one. Rather, we are trying to educate you. But, just as turds can't be polished and pork can't be educated, we seem to be having a bit of trouble with our endeavour.

We don't want your truths in a joke thread. We want jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 10:09 AM

Glad someone got it :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:58 AM

Bwahah! Type O!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:54 AM

Faith is an amazing thing.
Redemption is promised at the low price of your critical faculties,

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:38 AM

I don't think they are going over your head. They go right through without interaction like a neutrino.

Or in older parlance-
My transmitter is fine. Your receiver may not get my wavelength.
It does not mean I am exemplary or you are inferior. It's just a hardware incompatibility.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 07:16 AM

Shouldn't witticisms contain some element of wit? That's something for you to work on, that and the spelling of Hitchens.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 06:04 AM

Ah, you are still trying to insult. You have not learned that true witticism involves telling the truth in a clever way.
Study jokes 101.
British humour carries a strong element of satire aimed at the absurdity of everyday life. Common themes include sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek, banter, insults, ...
You sir are no Christopher Hitchins.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:55 PM

Wake up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:21 PM

That was Steve Bannon and Amber Herd. Americans can vote in the UK?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:15 PM

Probably voted brexit and is an admirer of Boris and Thatcher, not to speak of Bush. And we know how much he loves Trump because he's terminally obsessed with posting about him. I think Trump could be his uncle. But mostly because he voted brexit. Or definitely would have had he been able. He does bollix big time but he doesn't do jokes. Talk about shitting in your own bed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:06 PM

BMWs draws applause
they are not bound
by traffic laws

I drive a tiny caddy.
the way it handles
makes me happy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 02:16 PM

Have you not figured it out yet, Steve. He's on a higher plane than us mere mortals and doesn't need to abide by standard conventions.

Probably drives a BMW :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 01:36 PM

And, prat, the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: inspired by a true story
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 01:33 PM

Mobile air monitoring has found pollutants nationwide that have formed the opposite chemical hormone to oxytocin, nazitocin. It was found at the funeral of a ten year old girl killed in a mass shooting. During the 10 year old's funeral another mass shooting killed 5 of the mourners and another 10 at the funerals of the 10 mourners etc. To date 30,000 have been shot. Gun enthusiasts blame the lack of air fresheners to combat the nazitocin in the air.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 09:14 AM

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I'm a type O"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 08:42 AM

Time for a joke I think!!   A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to whisky. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 07:21 AM

From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:20 AM

Stop talking rubbish and tell us a joke

Stop jokes...
My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.
If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping:
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, was a man of few words. He stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing and just went away.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildred's house ...

Got out and simply walked home...

And left his old pickup there all night.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’
I said maybe

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....
"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"


To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 07:18 AM

More from Peter Kay:

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, "Shh!'”

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:20 AM

Stop talking rubbish and tell us a joke. Preferably a real one that you haven't tried to make up. This not a thread for your irritating cod philosophies.

I walked into the pub with a pair of jump leads. The barman said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything..."

When I was a little boy I prayed every night for a new bike. After a long time I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole one then asked God for forgiveness.

(cheers to Peter Kay!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:59 AM

I'm the guy on the path. You're the talker. However, we are both "frenemies".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jun 23 - 11:55 AM

Fine. But in this thread, talk jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jun 23 - 11:51 AM

"Follow your own path, let other people talk"
quote from Dante'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 05:44 PM

You need to accept, like the rest of us, that you are a total failure when it comes to making up jokes. Like the rest of us, stop trying to be clever and, instead, simply dredge up old jokes. There are millions out there. We need a laugh, not you struggling with your weird brand of humour. Your hanging gardens one had a germ of possibility, but it was so badly wrought...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:46 PM

If you think 'the hanging gardens' sounds like a good thing
babble on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:21 PM

If we ignore him he might lose interest and seek attention elsewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:16 PM

But, you see, this is a joke thread. And you troll it constantly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 03:53 PM

I suspect that was the vale of tears Steve raves about.
If he thinks a joke is the cure he is deluded.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 03:48 PM

Donuel was the first in his family born in captivity

Things are seldom worse than it seems which makes Donuel a rare exception.

Why would you want to know my story, do we know each other>?
I'm not a likable guy, I'm not a feel good poster of the internet,
Everything will amount to nothing. The same nothing that created us.
If you are one of those idiots that needs to feel good, stop reading.
Get yourself a foot massage. Nothing comes from anything and yet there is no shortage of idiots to babble. Not, I me I have a vision. I discuss about you, your newspapers, your TV, your internet, your imagined money, and your misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, a portfolio, your children, health in a pandemic, and the comes when they still put you in a box. Then comes the next generation of idiots. Is being a human the best the universe can do? I hope not. We have our horror and poverty and ignorance and genicide and AIDS, and global warming, terrorism, The family value morons and then the gun morons. Its all Heart of Darkness. What can you do? You pick out your cleanest underwear and go about your day.
Why do you want to hear about this you've got your own problems. Your empty hopes and dreams, your predictably unsatisfying love life, failed business ventures, all your if onlys. Don't think I'm bitter because of a personal setback, compared to our barbaric civilization I am fairly advanced. I'm just filling in the empty moments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 10:13 AM

> What kind of coffee was the alien drinking?
> Starbucks.

Nah, that's what he paid for his coffee in.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 09:30 AM

Steve, when I had a barium enema, there were five very attractivefemale student doctors watching.....It was hard.....to bear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 07:14 AM

I bet there ARE new things under different suns.
UAPs are evidence that they are of an entirely different nature under our sun.

What kind of coffee was the alien drinking?
Starbucks.
What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
What do you call an alien with three eyes? An aliiien.
Our sun is very educated,
it has millions of degrees.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Jun 23 - 10:58 AM

.... "There is now."

The original is called "Answer", and it's by Frederic Brown, and has an even better punchline. I believe, but cannot prove, that it was first published in 1954; my copy of Space Opera (ed Brian Aldiss) lacks that, erm, datum.

.... "INSUFFICIENT DATA" [caps in original):

"The Last Question" (Isaac Asimov), copyrighted by him 1956.

.... "there is no new thing under the sun":

Ecclesiastes 1, verse 9. Usually attributed to The Preacher.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:44 PM

You are quite correct Steve, I really don't care what the insignificant little chap calls me.

What I am surprised at is that the Mods, who normally do a very good, unbaised job, allow just ONE poster to abuse so many other posters and infect so many threads with impunety.

A Polish airman who had been flying with the RAF (Royal Air Force) during WW1 was giving a talk about the Battle of Britain in 1940 at a convent school. Describing the heat of a fight in early September he said to the girls "There were Fokkers to the left of us and there Fokkers to the right of us.

The Nun who was leading the class was startled and said to the girls " Girls! Girls! Fokkers were a type of plane used by the Germans!!"

Thats right said the Polish airman ....... but these Fokkers were in Messerschmitts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 05:06 PM

"Kragytrash has the charm of a Colonoscopy"

It's a very unpleasant trait, is misrepresenting someone's chosen moniker just because they've called you out. But never mind about that (I'm sure that Raggytash doesn't give a flying fart. He's male, by the way, not a difficult thing to have gleaned after all these years, but, as you're so up your own bum you wouldn't have bothered to notice). I had two colonoscopies a few years ago and the second one in particular I found to be highly amusing in retrospect. "I'm going to pump air up your bottom now so that we can see things more clearly." "Yeah, fine...". Two minutes later: "Nurse, I seriously need to fart..." "Don't worry, Mr Shaw, I'm used to it. Just let it all go..." "But your face is three inches from my arse..."

And has anyone else got a tale about the aftermath of a barium enema?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 04:43 PM

You are absolutely not honest, Donuel. You serially fail to confront your own deficiencies, and that's about as dishonest as anyone can get. Then you lash out in the most disgusting ways, the true sign of a loser. Staggering, actually. Now why don't you tell us a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:37 PM

I'll have a pint of whatever he's on

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:28 PM

What a drama queen!