BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:13 AM

I start this thread with trepidation.

Call me Mr Control Freak, but I have a very strict rule for this thread.

Are you listening?

Ahem... here it is...

THIS IS A JOKE THREAD (Glad I got that off my chest...)

I went to the doc on Thursday. He told me he had good news and bad news.

"The good news is that your test results tell me that you still have 48 hours to live."

"No! That's good news? So what's the bad news, Doc?"

"I forgot to tell you this when I saw you on Tuesday..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:25 AM

You're a control freak. Pissing into the wind.
Now how are you going to enforce your peccadilloes ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 11:41 AM

Hmm.. That seems to imply that you don't know what "peccadillo" means... Now stop your snarling and tell us a joke!

Did you hear about the chameleon who forgot how to change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 02:34 PM

What was Steven Hawking's last words?

The windows xp log out sound

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 03:05 PM

Hmm. Didn't take long for my well-meaning thread to be hijacked by a pair of humourless tossers, did it?

Anyway, ploughing on...

Doctor, doctor! I've got a lettuce stuck up me bum!

Hmm, lessee... Well, I can see it's just the tip of the iceberg...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 06:03 PM

Strictly for Brit humour, especially if you're a scouser, doubly especially if you're a Liverpool fan:

A wayside pulpit outside a local church in Liverpool, in the late 1960s:

'Jesus Saves!'

Some wag wrote below it, 'St John knocks in the rebound'...

Another one said, 'What will you do when Jesus returns?' Someone added 'Move St. John to inside right!'

[For the non-cognoscenti, you poor things, Ian St John was a legendary Liverpool goal-scorer in the sixties]

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 05:57 AM

Are peccadilloes them little flutes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 06:48 AM

Seasonal and possibly repeated jokes

How does good king Wenceleslas like his pizza?

Deep pan. Crisp and even.


Bethehem- the first Noel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 08:54 AM

> Are peccadilloes them little flutes?

NO, it is a place in London ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 08:58 AM

It's a long way to...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM

My seven-year-old grandson got a kids' joke book for Christmas. He just told me this one:

"Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Because his mother threw a refrigerator at him."

I think I'll avoid any further books from that publisher!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 10:03 AM

Isn't the place in London piccalilli?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 11:41 AM

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 11:58 AM

Ha, brilliant!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Jan 23 - 12:08 PM

When I saw the pope I thought he was blessing us. He was actually gesticulating as he shouted "Oy, you down there. Get the fuck off my lawn!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 07:50 AM

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.captaincoon.dog.simulator&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1 With apps to translate dog speech most breeds share small talk but breeds like poodles and border collies have been heard saying things like "It's not enough for dogs to win, cats must lose".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 08:15 AM

2.6 rating over 11K reviews, looks like your barking up the wrong tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 09:00 AM

As ever. Always tell us a joke!

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a small bucket!"

"Hmm. Well you are a little pale..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a small bucket!"

"Hmm. Well in your case you are full of shit..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 01:03 PM

23 being prime...

Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one" or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM

You're a right bloody pair of jokers all right but all you're doing is trying to derail what should be a light-hearted thread. Neither of you know a joke from a bull's foot. So what's new.

Anyway.

The teacher said, "Now, Jimmy, I want you to tell me a sentence beginning with the letter 'I.'"

"OK, Miss. I is..."

"No, no, Jimmy! You must say 'I am...!'"

"OK, Miss. 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet...'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 23 - 07:14 PM

The teacher was telling her infant class about the garden of Eden and the first man and woman.

"Now, children, I've told you the story. So who can remember the name of the first man?"

A hand shot up, "Adam, Miss!"

"Very good! Now can anyone remember the name of the first woman?"

Silence...

"Come along! We only did this yesterday!"

Silence.

"All right, I'll give you a clue. Now do you remember what I told you about the first woman and the apple? So what was the woman's name?"

A hand shot up, "Granny Smith, Miss!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 23 - 07:37 AM

Core blimey, kid musta been the apple of her eye

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:44 AM

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM

News came in fresh this morning that 5 cliff walkers had all fallen to their deaths. Strange at they all had the same name!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 08:48 AM

GS - :-D I'm pinching that!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 09:22 AM

"What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They have the same middle name."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time Jonathan Ross was interviewing The Edge from U2 on the telly. He started by asking him if it was all right if he called him "The..." :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 12:07 PM

Dave the Gnome... you
are welcome.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 12:11 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 01:49 PM

Stevie Wonder challenges Tiger Woods to a round of golf.

OK, says Tiger. How about Augusta, next Tuesday. What time suits you?

Midnight replies Stevie...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 03:26 PM

The menu said breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 04:00 PM

As a response to the epic failure of Kevin McCarthy it was said today "When a person sells their soul it is prudent to know if there is a buyer". It turns out no one was buying it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 04:37 PM

And the punchline is...?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 06:07 PM

The descent into dementia begins with confusion and an inability to discern wit from an elementary punchline.

My mom said live your dreams so I took an exam that I didn't study for naked.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 06:39 PM

Do try to keep your bitterness and crassness out of a light-hearted joke thread. Just tell us a joke for a change.

A woman in the labour ward suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the midwife. “Those are just contractions.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:50 PM

YES SIR, HAPPY NEW YEAR SIR, BUT I SEE BM'S are on my screen, not in the latrine.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 07:55 PM

I don't know what "BMs" are but I do know that the apostrophe you provided didn't belong. So was that the germ of a joke or am I clutching at straws?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 08:04 PM

A doctor complained to his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”

Two weeks later, he got home unexpectedly early, to find her shagging his practice partner.

“What the hell is going on here?!” he raged.

“Just getting a second opinion,” she replied...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 23 - 09:23 PM

Ode to a washed up curmudgeon.

Some things are more than obvious.
There are but two in his audience.
Him and his missus who dismisses
his tired expired licenses
But at night she reminisces
when he imagined his eminence.
Now, only a deluded narcissist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:05 AM

Only a washed-up curmudgeon can keep coming to a light-hearted joke thread, never tell a joke but persistently try to drown the thread with dreary nonsense.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hey, did you know that they're a drink named after you?"

"Really?"said the grasshopper, "There's a drink called Stan?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 05:24 AM

(lol, Mrrzy)

Can't we keep this thread just about the jokes, fellas.

"Since when do you wear an ear ring?"

"Since my wife found it in the back seat of the car."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

I'm trying bloody hard, aren't I, gillymor. But the best he can do is to come up with his narcissistic doggerel in not one but two threads! I suppose the joke could be that he thinks he's a poet...

Two blokes are out hunting when one of them suddenly collapses and stops breathing, his eyes glazed over. His friend rings the emergency number.

"Please help me! It's my friend - he collapsed and I think it's too late - he looks dead!"

"Now calm down, sir. First of all let's be sure that he is actually dead..."

Silence, followed by the sound of a shot. He goes back to his phone.

"OK, now what?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 06:52 AM

Steve is as light hearted as cat scratch fever and all the dad jokes in the world won't lift his pinched virulent viewpoint.like roses are red violets are blue thought I had covid it was only the flu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 07:01 AM

'Ave a word, gilly... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 07:56 AM

Steve, tell a joke already. You are the one who started this thread with "dreary nonsense" after all.

Another funny Steve quote:

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 08:33 AM

What would be justice for Donald Trump??? I say DO NOT LOCK HIM UP.
Instead turn all of his golf courses into housing for poor immigrants, homeless and minorities.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 09:38 AM

Well, Mrrzy, neither you nor your fellow compatriot troll (what else do we call a man who serially tries to undermine and sour a lighthearted thread for his own perverted reasons...) has managed to raise even the faintest titter so far in this thread. As for me, I'm trying to stick a joke into every post. It would be nice if that's all I had to do, frankly.

Anyhoo...

Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of trainers and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed his friend, "We can’t outrun that bear, even with running shoes!”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 09:40 AM

By the way, the quote you ascribed to me has nothing to do with me. Never post before coffee is my advice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 04:25 PM

Someone lol'd me, dude.

And no, that was from a funny Steve.

If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jan 23 - 04:56 PM

ICBM's are Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
Those things that made total war too expensive to wage/

IT KEPT THE PEACE for 50 years or so AT GREAT EXPENSE until a bomb smaller than an atom is devised that will leave no debris radiation or damage and only erase life. For that we have climate change.