BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:58 AM

.... Oh, and warning for those about to visit the Vatican: They installed airport-type screening kit at the entrance to the Sistine Chapel, sometime between our first and second visits there, and the queues then were four hours long. Perhaps Fabio's missus is still in the queue.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

There's a comment about imitation and flattery, but it escapes me ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:18 AM

Yebbut I posted my version of that one ages ago...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 10:58 AM

Yay! You've done it Don :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 08:32 AM

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.

One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.

Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 49th anniversary.

Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”

Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 02:03 PM

That's the last time I go giving blood.

They wanted to know who's blood it was, where I got it and why it was in a bucket!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 12:35 PM

"Ah Sandy, I haven't seen you since last week"

"Aye, I was on holiday."

"Where did you go?"

"Went to Pitlochry. I'd never been there."

"And how did Velma like it?"

"Oh, it was just me."

"You went without her?"

"Aye, Velma's already been to Pitlochry"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 12:21 PM

When I forgot her birthday... she said 'well you can just go out now and get me some item with loads of diamonds in'.....so I did. She loves her new pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:55 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "How about a divorce?".
I told her I wasn't planning to spend that much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:26 AM

She said....'Please show me an example of innuendo'? So I gave her one!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 07:30 PM

Two old ladies were chatting. Sez one: "Awful thing happened last week. I was cooking the Sunday lunch and I sent my husband to the allotment to pick us a nice cabbage. He was just about to cut it when he dropped dead of a heart attack!"

"Oh my God! That's awful! What did you do?"

"Well, I had to open a tin of peas..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

900!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

I wasn't allowed take my sheep dog in the pub today. It's a ban collie day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM

A good cop knows when to wait!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 08:06 PM

Cop on his walkie-talkie back to the station: "I've just arrived at a crime scene: a woman has just shot a man for walking on her wet mopping..."

"Well have you moved in and made an arrest?"

"Are you joking? The mopping is still wet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 07:09 PM

Ye-hah, Bill! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:54 PM

A young very good ventriloquist is touring Sweden, and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
   Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:21 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
   A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
   Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
   After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:52 PM

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away.

He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either.

I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.

They were in Aisle C.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:49 PM

A woman texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't
open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over them and then gently tap
edges with hammer."

She texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:31 PM

Stolen from a (I *think*) Punch's recaption-this-cartoon competition:

[outraged] Sir! you farted before my wife!
Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was her turn.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Aug 23 - 04:13 PM

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.

It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Aug 23 - 07:37 PM

Another shameless nick from Quora:

A man is on a desert island, been there alone for years. One day he is sat on the beach and out from the sea comes a beautiful woman in a wet suit. He runs to her and says "Thank God. You are the first human I’ve seen in 20 years!" She smiles and says “You poor thing, when was the last time you had a drink?” and she unzips a pocket and pulls out a hip flask of brandy. He takes a sip, a tear fills his eye. “Do you smoke?” she asked. “Well I was thinking of giving up but, if you have one..." And she unzips a pocket and pulled out a pack and hands them to him. He lights up and a smile spreads across his face. She says “20 years eh? That's a long time to be alone,” and she starts to unzip the front of her wet suit seductively. “How would you like to play around?” And he says “Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!!!???”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Aug 23 - 05:09 PM

The vicar was strolling along the road when he spotted a young woman coming towards him. She was having a jolly chat on her mobile phone and one of her tits was hanging out of her blouse.

"How dare you! Cover yourself up right now, you brazen hussy!"

She looked down at herself in a blind panic and blurted out, "Oh shit! I've left my baby on the bus...!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:42 PM

Yes, excellent, Bill! I've already sent that one 12000 miles to my brother in NZ. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:28 PM

*Muffled guffaw*, Bill D.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 07:20 PM

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
   When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start ringing. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 04:43 PM

Another naked steal from Quora:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 02:09 PM

:-D

We've gone out of sync now. I'll not try to get it back

If you try to get the joke back in sync it will just go down the plughole.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 12:03 PM

Yep. A joke who knows no jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 12:01 PM

Currently the joke thread and the KISS thread have exactly the same number of posts! I'm sure Don will find some significance

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:46 AM

Couple more Olaf Falafel ones

My attempt at combining nitrous oxide and an Oxo cube failed. Made me a laughing stock

What Saint goes up and down? St. Francis of a seesaw

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:38 AM

Oh bugger! I'll have to type faster next time.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:37 AM

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those that understand binary and those that don't.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:35 AM

I thought there were ten kinds - those who understand binary and those who don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:38 AM

Nah, Bill. There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can do arithmetic and those who can't...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:23 AM

There are only 2 kinds of people in this world:
1) Those that finish lists



(and jokes)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:17 AM

Paddy rushes over to his friends house and says, "Mary, there's been a terrible accident at the brewery and your Mick is dead!"

Mary says, "Oh my Lord, what happened?"

Paddy says sadly, "Your Mick drowned in a vat of Guinness."

Mary says, "That's just awful, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy says, "Unfortunately, no, he had to climb out three times to take a leak."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 10:11 AM

Adam is looking sad and lonely, so God says
"I'll make you a mate. She'll be beautiful and lust after you constantly for sex.
She'll cook and clean and work full time and besides,she'll never nag you or mind when you go out drinking or golfing with your friends."

Adam smile happily and says, "That sounds great, what will it cost me?"

God says, "An arm and a leg!"

Adam says, "What can I get for a rib?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 09:58 AM

Then you're a poor judge of the written word. Think you can manage to read to the end of the article this time? It's very short.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:41 AM

I saw that too, gillymor!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Aug 23 - 07:14 AM

You are a poor judge of character. https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2009/may/10/ken-dodd-christmas-show-comedy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 09:29 PM

One bird can't make a pun but toucan.

-Blame NYT's The Mini for that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 09:01 PM

Not a joke. Unfunny. Please stick to jokes in this thread.

A Ken Dodd one. What a man.

"I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 08:21 PM

A MAGA nut told his wife "I'd rather be brain dead than LGBTQ".
His wife said she'd rather be a fruit than a vegetable.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 08:09 PM

Doubtfully clever but undoubtedly unfunny. Have you got any jokes?

A Barry Cryer one:

A man owns a parrot that can't stop swearing. So he says to him, 'If you don't stop swearing, I'll put you in the fridge.' The parrot keeps on swearing. So he puts it in the fridge. Five minutes later, he takes the parrot out of the fridge, and says to it, 'Are you going to stop swearing?' 'Yes,' says the parrot. 'But what did that chicken do?'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Aug 23 - 07:48 PM

After the match the Wrestling coach asked the physics student How are you?
The kid said T nu/mu

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Aug 23 - 12:31 PM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Aug 23 - 05:51 AM

Well, there i was, hiking across a moor in my favourite Yorkshire Dale when this bloke comes up to me, red in the face, cursing and swearing

"Get of my land!" He says

"Land does not belong to anyone" I replied

"Well, I am the Duke of Devonshire and this bit belongs to me"

"So", I ask, "How did you get it?"

"I inherited it from my Father"

"How did he get it?"

"He inherited it from his Father"

"No, going back rightback to the begining, how did your family get it?"

"They fought for it" was his reply.

"Fair enough" I sez, rolling up my sleeves, "get your coat off..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Aug 23 - 08:07 PM

Inflicted