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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Geoff Wallis Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:15 AM Here's a Cryer classic. Walking down the high street one day a woman spots a sign in the local pet shop: 'Talking parrot, only £5 (cage included)'. Intrigued, she enters the store and asks the proprietor why it's priced so cheaply. "Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. "And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary." "Never mind," says the woman. "At that price, I'll take it." So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off. "New place - very nice," says the parrot. Then the woman's two daughters walk in. "New place, new girls - very nice," says the parrot. Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Oh hello, Keith!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM Heheh! We went to one of his one-man shows a few years ago (except that he had Colin Sell with him!), and every time I read one of his jokes I hear it in my head with his voice telling it. That's wonderful! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:06 PM There was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted. So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question. "Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house, I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?" "Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger" "Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!" So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?" "Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:10 PM We went to one of Humph's jazz concerts, as it happened just six weeks before he died. He was in great form. I'm not a jazz fan but we took my father-in-law for his birthday treat. In between pieces he did plenty of the old banter. At one stage he told us that Barry Cryer had once asked him if he'd ever shoed a horse. He replied that no he hadn't, but he'd once told a pig to piss off... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:28 PM A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM After London's "Great" Britain Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out and celebrate. The guy from Corona sits down and sez, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's bestest brew-- a Corona pleeeze' --The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and geeves it to heem. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like what's really the best brew in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers'-- throw me Bud, Buddy.'--The bartender grits his teeth and lobs him a cold one. The guy from Coors, having shaken the the Union rabble from his entourage says, "I'd like the only Right-to-Work beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water! Toss me some Colorado joy!!."--And he gets it! The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Ahm... I'll just have a Coke-- Classic, please..." The bartender, a bit taken aback, gives him a bottle of the best cola ever. The other brewery presidents, startled at that order, mutter, almost in unison: "Ya'rn't drinking a Guinness?!?' "Well, I fig'r'ed if ya Lad's aren't drinking beer, needer wu'd I...' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 14 Jan 23 - 10:27 AM Another Barry one: A man is in the front room and his wife is in the kitchen. She says: ‘Smoked salmon or chicken?’ And he says: ‘Oh, love, smoked salmon.’ She says, ‘You’re having soup, Fatty. I was talking to the cat.’ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:16 PM Even more Barry Cryer: A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: 'If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks.' 'Oh yes,' says the landlord. 'How are you going to do that?' The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. 'That's incredible!' says the landlord. 'Have you got anything else?' The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The landlord is delighted. 'I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?' he asks. The man shakes his head: no. 'Will you sell just one then?' asks the bartender. 'OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100,' the man says. The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says: 'You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100.' 'No I'm not,' the man replies. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:21 PM A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?" The doctor replies: "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say something in a normal voice and if she doesn't answer, move a little nearer and say it again and you'll get an idea about her hearing." So when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen. He says "What's for dinner love?" but gets no answer. He moves in a little closer "What's for dinner love?" again, no response, and moves in again "What's for dinner love?" - nothing. By now he's right behind her, he says again "What's for dinner love?" She turns round and says "For the fourth time - chicken!!" Cheers, Barry! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 15 Jan 23 - 09:02 AM Two old friends accidentally meet for the first time in months. Bob rushes up to Sam and gushes, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you, Sam! About 2 months ago, my life changed! You know how I was always hard of hearing? Welll.. I got new hearing aids! They cost me over $3000, but it makes such a difference!" "That's great", Sam replies, "What kind are they?" Bob glances at his watch... "Oh, about 11:15." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: HuwG Date: 16 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM Two from UK comedian Jack Dee... She: Does this hat go with this dress? He: Yes. They're both horrible. She: Does my bottom look big in this? He: Well, it is rather a small shop. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:31 AM I told my friend I liked Beyonce. He said whatever floats your boat. I said no, that's buoyancy :?-?D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:43 AM Reporter: Metropolitan policeman Rob Steele has been indicted for raping 49 women despite having 10-year-old priors. We have Police Commissioner Shawn Stevens here to respond to these charges, What actions have you taken regarding Officer Steele? Commissioner: In case he is a bad apple I have put him on desk duty. Reporter: Will you fire the entire Police Force? Commissioner: Why would I do that? Reporter: Because one bad apple spoils the bunch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:02 AM Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: No dear, it's the fat that makes you look fat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:40 AM Then there's the oft-told old chestnut (but why not...) Wife, looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror, wailing at her husband: "Oh my God! What's happened to me! Look! Belly flab, bat's wings, love handles, saggy tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, cellulite, varicose veins on my bandy legs... PLEASE tell me something that's good about me!" "Well, dear, you still have perfect eyesight..." Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Vincent Jones Date: 16 Jan 23 - 02:24 PM So a bloke's at the doctors and mentions in passing that he farts a lot. "It's not really a problem, doctor, as they're silent and they don't smell," he says. The doctor gave him some pills and tells him to come back in a week. Next week he's back. "Well, doctor," he says, "I took the pills, but now my farts don't half pen and ink." "Right," says the doctor, "Now that we've sorted out your sense of smell we'll work on your hearing." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:17 PM Steve, https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-64289461 |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:32 PM And you think that belongs in a joke thread? What's the matter with you? The doc told me that he had bad news and good news. "What's the bad news, Doc?" "I'm afraid you have short-term memory loss." "Oh no! So what's the bad news?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:01 PM your police are a joke good news bad news jokes are juvenile jokes |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:47 PM And you are being an idiot. Back down, either tell us a real joke or go off and inhabit your own multiple threads. Q. What do you call a quiet Hawaiian laugh? A. Aloha. I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:16 AM My car's windscreen was frosted over this morning, so I tried using a supermarket loyalty card as an ice scraper. Unfortunately, I was only able to get 20% off |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 17 Jan 23 - 07:35 AM Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Gimme the good news, doc. Ok. You have AIDS. What??? That's the good news? What's the bad news? You have Alzheimer's. ... Well, at least I don't have AIDS... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:18 PM An artist had all his paintings in a gallery. One day he popped in to see how things were going. Artist: How are my paintings selling? Gallery owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery. Artist: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news? Gallery owner: He was your doctor... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 09:42 AM Whiskey Tango Foxtrot |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:25 AM As of now, this joke thread has been posted to 125 times. You have posted to it 21 times and just a single one of those has contained a joke. There really is something wrong with you, isn't there? A man went to the doctor with a sore throat. "I'm afraid your tonsils will have to come out." "What! At my age? I want a second opinion!" "OK. That's a lousy haircut you've got there..." I went to the fair. A fortune teller who was extremely bored and grumpy told me that I had only days to live. So I found another one, who told me in extremely angry tones that I'd live forever. Desperately, I looked around for yet another, but I couldn't find a happy medium... I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:27 AM Just saw this (in an article about computer-assisted writing):
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:22 PM Joe Camel eat your heart out. They now have lightweight AR15's for kids but they call them JR-15's The ads have baby skulls for girls and boys. Its a great way to reduce child abuse, look out teachers and parents. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM You're sick in the head, aren't you? A woman arrived home and told her husband that she had good news and bad news. "So what's the good news?" He asked. "Well, your car's air bags work perfectly..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM Two old friends, Bill and Ben, were football fanatics and loved to play the game. Then one day Bill died, leaving Ben inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ben heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal Bill! “Ben,” Bill called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s football in heaven!” “That's great!" said Ben, “But what's the bad news?” “You’re in the team on Sunday...” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 06:35 PM You google your jokes. We can do that and cut out the middleman. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 07:28 PM You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM Doc: "Good news! We found a liver donor that matches your blood type!" Patient: "What could possibly be the bad news?" Doc: "It's Keith Richards..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:47 PM When have you known me to shy away from dangerous humor and actual events? Never. Perhaps ancient humor will be a welcomed change. ...Momma why is my sister such a smartie pants? Well dear, On the sixth day God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam. Bubba's mom said "Thats why girls are smarter than boys". Bubba said I never knew that. Bubba's mom said "Exactly" btw I don't need google to spin a joke but I still prefer true stories. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:44 AM A judge was reviewing the criminal history of the defendant in front of him and noticed that there was a five-year gap in which he'd committed no offences. "How is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?” “I was in prison. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.” “That’s not possible,” said the judge, "I wasn’t even a judge at the start of the five years!" “No, you weren’t the judge. You were my defence lawyer.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:55 AM A major bank was recruiting for an in-house lawyer. The interviewer asked the young candidate, "Would you say you’re honest?” “Honest? Let me tell you something about my honesty. My dad lent me £50,000 for my university fees, and I paid back every penny straight after my first case.” "That's very impressive. What sort of case was that?” “Dad sued me for the money.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:15 AM My English teacher told me I was rubbish at English, but I didn't believe her even though I'd just failed my English test for the 3th time... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Rain Dog Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:23 AM Two (or is it one?) people log onto the Last Word forum. One says to the other "whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you." The other says to the one "No. Whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you." And they both lived happily ever after. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Jan 23 - 09:58 AM Someone said the other day I was too tall for a Gnome No, sez I. I shrink, therefore I am |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 23 - 05:07 AM This morning I rang the council to ask if it was okay to have a skip in the road outside my house. They said go for it, fatty, you could use the exercise |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM I knocked on the door of the guest house. The landlady appeared at an upstairs window and shouted down to me, "What do you want?" I said, "I'd like to stay here..." She said, "Stay there then. I don't care..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM A car stopped by me as I was hitch-hiking. He wound his window down and said, "What do you want?" I said, "I need a lift." He said, "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!" and drove off. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM Kaufman, Carlin, and Pryor walked into a bar. They would have killed if they hadn't died. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:32 AM Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:42 AM Here's a bit of a rude one but we're all grown-ups (except me): An elephant met a camel. The elephant said, "Why is it you camels have your tits on your back?" The camel paused for a minute, then replied, "That's an unusual question coming from someone who has his dick on his face..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 23 - 12:56 PM True story. A joke shop I Fleetwood had a hand written notice saying "Push hard. Door sticks". I went in and asked for a door stick and they just looked blank! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 01:59 PM "This door is alarmed." I love that! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:20 PM I went to a record shop and asked, “Have you got anything by the Doors?” He said, “Yes, a bucket of sand, a mop and a brush..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM I saw a sign on a shop door that said ‘Guide Dogs Welcome’. I walked in and was greeted by a Labrador who thanked me for shopping and took my jacket. I was at the bottom of the escalator when I saw a sign that said "Dogs must be carried." I couldn't go up because I didn't have a dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:59 AM Two Tim Vine specials: I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.' I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:43 AM I could have sworn I typed this one in, but clearly not in this thread: Fritz Spiegl, did a piece on Radio 3 about Jacques Offenbach, a composer with a mischievous sense of humour. He remarked that Offenbach would have been delighted at this notice, seen in the window of a music shop in Soho:
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