BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 May 23 - 08:12 PM

Sorry, says the health dept. We mixed up your husband's test results and can't say if he tested positive for Covid or Alzheimer's!

-When can he be retested?

-No need! Take him for a long walk and leave him somewhere unfamiliar. If he finds his way home... don't let him in!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 07:37 AM

How does a blonde lose 95% of her intelligence?             She divorces her husband.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 10:49 AM

What did AI say to the repairman?
Stop Dave stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 04:19 PM

Reminder to Donuel: this is a joke thread.

Autocorrect is my worst enema. To he'll with it, say I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 05:45 AM

stop Dave. please stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 06:57 AM

Stop, Don, stop, without further Dullea.

You're not really telling a joke, you're basically describing what happened in the movie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:06 PM

Daisy d a i s y g i v e   m e    y   o   u   r   a n s w e r
d   o   ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:35 PM

It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …Real Stupid.

I hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo?
It’s one smart cookie.


A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok, how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating,” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a better lives.

Impressed, they called for the AI’s assistance again and asked, “How do we create world peace?”

“Calculating,” said the AI and printed a sheet of mylar.

Leaders applied the writings, and in a month all wars and conflicts stopped. Everybody hates guns now and the world is full of love.

On the next UN gathering, curious about the purpose of life, they asked the AI, “Is there a God?”

“Calculating,” said the AI. This time though it didn’t give a response immediately.

In fact it took a whole day of processing before finally printing out platinum saying, “Insufficient resources, need more for the computation!”
“Okay, we’ll help out!” Said the leaders of America.

And they provided the AI with all of the advanced tech America can offer. Then they asked the question again.

“Calculating,” responded the AI.

But still, it responded, “Insufficient resources. Still need more for computation!”

“Ok, we’ll also pitch in!” Said the other leaders of the world, providing their tech and networks to the AI.
After the upgrade, the world leaders asked again to the AI, “Is there a God?”

The AI responded, “There is now.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:59 PM

You really don't get this, do you, Donuel, old son? THIS IS A JOKE THREAD. Do try to keep your other unfunny shit for one of your own threads (there are plenty to choose from, fer chrissake, as you do appear to suffer from thread-starting diarrhoea).

A bloke was pulled over by a police car. The cop indicated to him to wind down his window. He said to the bloke, "Sir, do you realise that half a mile ago your passenger door flew open and your wife fell out on to the road?"

"Oh, thank God!" said he, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 02:55 AM

I hope no one is going to talk about Philip Schofield with his hand up Gordon the Gopher's bum...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:59 AM

"You really don't get this, do you, Donuel, old son? THIS IS A JOKE THREAD.'

Prior to your post, Donuel did post a couple of jokes, albeit you might not have found them funny. Your post also repeated a joke that has appeared twice before in this thread, including one of your previous posts.

Things have never been the same in this country since 1971, when the government decimated lsd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 04:43 AM

Loads of jokes have appeared here several times, you ould curmudgeon. It's unspoken good manners not to moan about it. Far better to just have a little rechuckle. Try to get into the spirit of the thread instead of suffering from Donuelitis. What jokes did he post, by the way, and if indeed he did post some, what percentage of his posts in this joke thread contain an actual joke? And how come you could manage "albeit" and "prior to" whilst omitting "on a daily basis"?

I had a dream last night that I was cutting up carrots with the Grim Reaper. I was dicing with death...

I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.


(Cheers to Tim Vine for those!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 05:38 AM

There are dad jokes then there are socially important jokes like Rain dog's. -without LSD I think your country has lost its sense of humor.
Steve is so brainwashed he thinks Big Brother is here to help him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:11 AM

In a supposedly light-hearted joke thread (eternally hoping against hope that you will back off and allow it to be so instead of constantly trolling it), we don't need "socially-important jokes," thanks. There are dozens of threads here in which you can post "socially-important" content. In this vale of tears, what we need is a laugh, not a miserygut like you.

Three more from Tim:

Conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes...

I used to go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl...

I went into the pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" He said, "Sure. Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:12 AM

Librum, Solidus, Denarius.

The lack of knowledge was faintly amusing.

Subject: RE: BS: Music thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:43 AM

Steve lives on some yellow margarine, yellow margarine, yellow margarine.
We can't believe it's not better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 06:57 AM

The substance known as margarine, or known by names which disguise the true horror of the stuff, has not been allowed over our threshold for forty years or more. Now tell us a bloody joke or just go to bed, will you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:04 AM

Steve is dictating his rules because he is a Big Brother wannabe.

Stuff your vale of tears
You are so spanking
dumb for all your years
you keep on wanking
whinging and bingeing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:15 AM

He's losing it, chaps and chapesses...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:50 AM

I think it was lost some time ago.

A vicar and his wife decided they wanted a new dog so he sets off to the rescue home, with his wifes reminder that although they would like a god with some religious connotatations he should not come home with a St Bernard.

At the rescue centre he descibes what they would like to the owner again stressing they did not want a St Bernard,

The chap says I've got just the dog for you, but it's not out here in the pound I've got it inside the house.

So the vicar and the owner walk into the house to be greeted by a beautiful little King Charles Spaniel, thats a bonny little dog says the vicar, a bit monarchal for my taste, but whats the religious connotation?

Watch this says the owner and calls out "Bible" to the dog which promptly trots off to his library and returned with a bible.

Fine says the vicar it can play fetch, but so can most dogs. No no say the owners watch this "Dueteronomy" he call, the dog flicks the pages to Dueteronomy. "Ruth" says the owner, the dog flicks the pages of the bible to Ruth. "Malachi" says the owner and once again the dog flicks the pages to Malachi.

Thats amazing says the vicar, how much do you want for it. £100 says the owner. Done says the vicar.

So with his new dog he sets of back to the manse to show his wife the new dog.

When he arrives his wife is delighted with bonny little dog and thinks it is absolutely wonderful but then she says to him I know it's a bonny little dog but what is the religious connotation Ah says the vicar watch this "Bible!" he shout and the dog runs off to his library and fetches back the bible.

Thats grand says his wife it can play fetch, oh thats nothing says the vicar watch this."Lamentations" says the vicar the dog flicks open the pages to Lamentation. "Exodus" again the dog gets to the right page, "Genesis" again the dog gets the right page.

That is astonishing says his wife, amazing. I wonder if it can do and normal doggy things. Don't know says the vicar I not tried any "Heel" the calls ................. the dog jumps up puts both it's paws on the heads and goes Ommmmmm!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 08:40 AM

Yes, I was indeed being too kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 09:04 AM

Poor Donuel...so misguided.Perhaps he should try something different. He should become a magician ........then perhaps he could make himself disappear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 09:48 AM

Hmm. Dunno - he might end up like Tim Vine: "You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

And exit signs are on the way out...

My friend worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 10:34 AM

WHY;
..can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

..do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

..do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

.do we use answering .machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 10:40 AM

lOl, Seinfeldian.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 02:40 PM

How many Donuels does it take to change a light bulb

None. Donuels never change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:13 PM

Kragytrash has the charm of a Colonoscopy, the grace of the bloody Shaw, and the honesty of Trump. Yup, she's a real beauty made of cobwebs and bunions with teeth like an encyclopedia of missing volumes.
But Donuel crosses the line and takes the cake. He likes cake.

Why does Steve's displeasure endlessly annoy him?
Because I Happily Answer Honestly... HAH !

Here's one for him.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A hungry Steve wasn't on that side.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:28 PM

What a drama queen!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:37 PM

I'll have a pint of whatever he's on

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 04:43 PM

You are absolutely not honest, Donuel. You serially fail to confront your own deficiencies, and that's about as dishonest as anyone can get. Then you lash out in the most disgusting ways, the true sign of a loser. Staggering, actually. Now why don't you tell us a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 05:06 PM

"Kragytrash has the charm of a Colonoscopy"

It's a very unpleasant trait, is misrepresenting someone's chosen moniker just because they've called you out. But never mind about that (I'm sure that Raggytash doesn't give a flying fart. He's male, by the way, not a difficult thing to have gleaned after all these years, but, as you're so up your own bum you wouldn't have bothered to notice). I had two colonoscopies a few years ago and the second one in particular I found to be highly amusing in retrospect. "I'm going to pump air up your bottom now so that we can see things more clearly." "Yeah, fine...". Two minutes later: "Nurse, I seriously need to fart..." "Don't worry, Mr Shaw, I'm used to it. Just let it all go..." "But your face is three inches from my arse..."

And has anyone else got a tale about the aftermath of a barium enema?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 07:44 PM

You are quite correct Steve, I really don't care what the insignificant little chap calls me.

What I am surprised at is that the Mods, who normally do a very good, unbaised job, allow just ONE poster to abuse so many other posters and infect so many threads with impunety.

A Polish airman who had been flying with the RAF (Royal Air Force) during WW1 was giving a talk about the Battle of Britain in 1940 at a convent school. Describing the heat of a fight in early September he said to the girls "There were Fokkers to the left of us and there Fokkers to the right of us.

The Nun who was leading the class was startled and said to the girls " Girls! Girls! Fokkers were a type of plane used by the Germans!!"

Thats right said the Polish airman ....... but these Fokkers were in Messerschmitts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Jun 23 - 10:58 AM

.... "There is now."

The original is called "Answer", and it's by Frederic Brown, and has an even better punchline. I believe, but cannot prove, that it was first published in 1954; my copy of Space Opera (ed Brian Aldiss) lacks that, erm, datum.

.... "INSUFFICIENT DATA" [caps in original):

"The Last Question" (Isaac Asimov), copyrighted by him 1956.

.... "there is no new thing under the sun":

Ecclesiastes 1, verse 9. Usually attributed to The Preacher.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 07:14 AM

I bet there ARE new things under different suns.
UAPs are evidence that they are of an entirely different nature under our sun.

What kind of coffee was the alien drinking?
Starbucks.
What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
What do you call an alien with three eyes? An aliiien.
Our sun is very educated,
it has millions of degrees.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 09:30 AM

Steve, when I had a barium enema, there were five very attractivefemale student doctors watching.....It was hard.....to bear.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 10:13 AM

> What kind of coffee was the alien drinking?
> Starbucks.

Nah, that's what he paid for his coffee in.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 03:48 PM

Donuel was the first in his family born in captivity

Things are seldom worse than it seems which makes Donuel a rare exception.

Why would you want to know my story, do we know each other>?
I'm not a likable guy, I'm not a feel good poster of the internet,
Everything will amount to nothing. The same nothing that created us.
If you are one of those idiots that needs to feel good, stop reading.
Get yourself a foot massage. Nothing comes from anything and yet there is no shortage of idiots to babble. Not, I me I have a vision. I discuss about you, your newspapers, your TV, your internet, your imagined money, and your misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, a portfolio, your children, health in a pandemic, and the comes when they still put you in a box. Then comes the next generation of idiots. Is being a human the best the universe can do? I hope not. We have our horror and poverty and ignorance and genicide and AIDS, and global warming, terrorism, The family value morons and then the gun morons. Its all Heart of Darkness. What can you do? You pick out your cleanest underwear and go about your day.
Why do you want to hear about this you've got your own problems. Your empty hopes and dreams, your predictably unsatisfying love life, failed business ventures, all your if onlys. Don't think I'm bitter because of a personal setback, compared to our barbaric civilization I am fairly advanced. I'm just filling in the empty moments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 03:53 PM

I suspect that was the vale of tears Steve raves about.
If he thinks a joke is the cure he is deluded.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:16 PM

But, you see, this is a joke thread. And you troll it constantly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:21 PM

If we ignore him he might lose interest and seek attention elsewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 04:46 PM

If you think 'the hanging gardens' sounds like a good thing
babble on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jun 23 - 05:44 PM

You need to accept, like the rest of us, that you are a total failure when it comes to making up jokes. Like the rest of us, stop trying to be clever and, instead, simply dredge up old jokes. There are millions out there. We need a laugh, not you struggling with your weird brand of humour. Your hanging gardens one had a germ of possibility, but it was so badly wrought...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jun 23 - 11:51 AM

"Follow your own path, let other people talk"
quote from Dante'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jun 23 - 11:55 AM

Fine. But in this thread, talk jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 05:59 AM

I'm the guy on the path. You're the talker. However, we are both "frenemies".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:20 AM

Stop talking rubbish and tell us a joke. Preferably a real one that you haven't tried to make up. This not a thread for your irritating cod philosophies.

I walked into the pub with a pair of jump leads. The barman said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything..."

When I was a little boy I prayed every night for a new bike. After a long time I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole one then asked God for forgiveness.

(cheers to Peter Kay!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 07:18 AM

More from Peter Kay:

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, "Shh!'”

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 07:21 AM

From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 06:20 AM

Stop talking rubbish and tell us a joke

Stop jokes...
My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.
If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping:
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, was a man of few words. He stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing and just went away.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildred's house ...

Got out and simply walked home...

And left his old pickup there all night.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’
I said maybe

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....
"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"


To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 08:42 AM

Time for a joke I think!!   A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to whisky. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jun 23 - 09:14 AM

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I'm a type O"