 sj |
||
|
||
BS: Joke thread for 2023
|
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 30 Nov 23 - 10:04 PM Dyslexics of the world, untie! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 30 Nov 23 - 07:43 AM My ex wife came home from the doctors and said 'I think the Doc fancies me'. I asked her why...she replied 'He says a have a cute angina. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 30 Nov 23 - 06:28 AM A woman was reading a letter that her doctor had sent her. "This is disgusting! Last week he told me I was dyslexic, and now he's written to say that I have tiny tits!" "Let me see that," said her husband, seizing the letter. After a moment, he said to her, "The letter says that you have tinnitus..." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 30 Nov 23 - 06:23 AM A shamelessly copied Ronnie Corbett joke: A rural dean once went to visit one of his local priests. He could see the priest looked sad, so he asked what the matter was. The priest replied, “I have had my bicycle stolen, and what is worse, I think it has been stolen by one of my congregation.” The wise rural dean thought for a second and said, “Ah, what you need to do.. is preach a sermon on the 10 Commandments. When you get to “Thou shalt not steal” look sternly at all the congregation. The person who looks embarrassed will be the one who stole it.” A few weeks later, the rural dean visited the priest again and he was much happier. The priest told him he had got his bike back. The rural dean said, “Did you preach on the 10 Commandments?” “Yes.” replied the priest “And did you find out who took it?” “Er, not exactly. When I got to “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left it.” |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Nov 23 - 08:45 PM Woman came home from seeing the doc. She says to her husband, "That went really well! The doc told me that I have the breasts of a 20-year-old!" Scathingly, he said, "Hmm. Did he say anything about your 60-year-old arse?" "Well no, dear, he didn't mention you at all..." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Nov 23 - 02:26 AM I subscribe to a newsletter from a local tent manufacturer. This month's is headed "now is the winter of our discount tents" Their PR are good :-) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 24 Nov 23 - 10:13 PM One day the A817 was visiting Glasgow, and it found a nice-looking pub to spend the evening in. Unbeknownst to our protagonist, the pub was rougher than it looked. First thing that happened, the doors burst open, and a four-lane motorway stomped in. The various A- and B-roads hurriedly got out of its way, and it went up to the bar. “I’m the M8,” it said in a rough Lowlands accent. “Gimme a pint of snakebite.” The bartender gave the M8 a pint, but it had hardly started to drink when the doors burst open again, and a six-lane motorway pushed its way in. It hard-shouldered the cringing M8 out of its way, and announced in a coarse south-side Glaswegian accent: “I’m the M74. Gimme a pint of cider and black, ya bas.” The bartender had barely drawn the cider into the glass, when the door opened quietly, and a weedy little “road” came in: green, with only one white stripe. It approached the bar, and the A817 was bemused when both the M8 and the M74 cringed out of the way, trying to make themselves look as small as possible. “What’s going on,” whispered the A817 to the cowering M8, as the strange weedy road sat by the bar and ordered a Guinness. “Big tough motorway like you, afraid of a wee thing like that?” “Aye mate,” said the M8, “I’m a big tough motorway. But yon’s a fucking cyclepath.” |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 24 Nov 23 - 11:46 AM It's the ancient Olympics and the King has been asked to give out the medals. "To athlete in first place, goes this gold medal; To the second placed athlete, goes this, ... erm?.., gold medal; And for third place, we have this ... oh? ... erm?? ..." The queen steps forward: "OK Midas. I'll take from here!" Dc |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 24 Nov 23 - 09:04 AM ...and Lo, the animals came to the stable. The ass gave the baby warmth, the cow gave the baby milk. The turkey said:"what an ugly baby" and gave the family their first thanksgiving dinner. RtS |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 23 Nov 23 - 01:53 PM A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's a botanist brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Dear God man, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 23 Nov 23 - 01:41 PM One day a Trump Party member is walking through town when he hears a man shout “Down with the Republican with a fat head and ass.” Immediately the Trumpist drags the man to Mara Lago and explains to Donald what he said. Donald, furiously asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Chris Christie. Trump listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way. The Trumper is about to go as well but is stopped by Donald and asked: "Tell me, which fat ass were you thinking of when you dragged that man here?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Nov 23 - 12:29 PM Just been watching the news about the recent Dutch vote, and this occurred to me:
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 21 Nov 23 - 08:25 AM Lost my next joke. Hope I can remember it. Oh, yeah. Rich farmer decides to get married. Finds a wife so beautiful, he couldn't keep his hands off her. So he fired'm all and got a combine harvester... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: G-Force Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:16 AM It's no use standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:28 AM I'm sure that some of my/our jokes go back to at least the 1800s, Doug, though undoubtedly many have gone through the folk-joke process... The oldest known joke is a Sumerian one from 1900 BC. It's a fart joke and I don't get it: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial ... A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." ? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:45 AM Graffiti again, this time on the wall of the gents in the Union building, Imperial College, c.1969: "Shit hard - it's a long way to the refectory" and: "Eat shit - 150,000,000 flies can't be wrong" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:10 AM Speaking of which, graffiti seen on the wall of the gents' toilet, Ratagan youth hostel, c. 1974: "ECONOMY DRIVE: please use both sides of the paper." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:05 AM The toothbrush might hate its job but the bumwipe hates its jobbie. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Nov 23 - 04:20 AM ? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 06 Nov 23 - 08:07 PM A cowboy is riding across the plains when he come across an Indian laying with his ear against the earth. He asks, “what are you up to?” The Indian replies, “Two horses pulling a wagon…a man, two women and a kid on board.” Impressed, the cowboy says, “That’s amazing, you can tell all that from listening to the vibrations?” The Indian replies, “No, they just ran over me.” (I did look up whether "Indian" is regarded as derogatory and couldn't find a settled answer. So I've risked it!) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:12 PM Thank you so much, gillymor. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:27 AM There were two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "OK, I'll drive, you shoot the guns..." (I really must scale back on the fish jokes...) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:18 AM What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea? Denis. I'll get me coat... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Nov 23 - 06:43 AM I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problem. Two weeks later I stand corrected. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:24 PM That's similar to the one about the wicked queen in Snow White, the bit where she thinks she's seen Snow White off with the poisoned apple, so she asks her magic mirror: Mirror mirror on the wall Who is the fairest of them all? At last the magic mirror tells her what she wants to hear, but, unbeknown to her, a servant is listening through the keyhole. When the wicked queen has left the room, he sneaks up to the mirror and says: Mirror mirror on the door Make my penis touch the floor! And his legs dropped off. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Oct 23 - 02:26 PM My joke didn't have any misogyny. As simple as that. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:33 PM Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face! First, as with most jokes, the scene is totally unreal and ridiculous. Second, he "didn't sexually assault" her. She invited him! Priest was having a round of golf with his mate. At the first hole his mate took a swing and completely missed the ball. "Oh SHIT! Missed the bastard!" he shouted. "Dearie me, my son. Watch your tongue. The Lord above doesn't want to hear that kind of language!" Second hole, same thing happened. "SHIT! Missed the bastard again!" "I've warned you, my son. Any more of that language and God may strike you down!" Next hole, same thing. "SHIT! Missed the bastard AGAIN!!" Suddenly, the clouds parted, a thunderbolt ripped through the clouds and the priest dropped dead. Came a mighty voice from the heavens, "SHIT! Missed the bastard!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:13 AM Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one. I can't think of anyone in my circle of friends who would consider the use of "bitches" in that joke to be appropriate, and we are a jolly lot. It's a derogatory way of referring to women, and the women implied in that joke seem to have done nothing to deserve it unless you think there's something wrong with tampon-wearing. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Oct 23 - 09:43 AM You are not disagreeing with me, Doug, even though you try hard to at times. Read my post again and see if you can spot the word "necessarily" this time round. When you've done that, tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Oct 23 - 05:49 AM Quasi-clever plays on words are not necessarily jokes. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 27 Oct 23 - 12:14 PM A beautiful young woman comes across an injured man lying in a ditch. "Good heavens, what happened to you?" "I came off my motor bike. I'm a bit beaten up but I don't think I've broken anything..." "Well I happen to be a nurse. Here, get in my car and I'll take you to my place to clean you up." So off they went. After a couple of hours at her place, during which she cleaned up his wounds and, er, took his mind off things in other ways, he eventually said, "I think I'd better try to contact my wife now..." "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a wife! Where is she?" "Still in the ditch, probably..." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 27 Oct 23 - 12:03 PM The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. . The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. . The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. Conclusion: Speaking English causes heart attacks. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Thompson Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:25 AM From the wall of Gaj's restaurant in the 1960s: Women in Labour keep Capitalism in Power. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 02 Nov 23 - 11:07 AM Man finds a bottle, picks it up and out pops a genie. First wish...loads of money, second wish big house....third wish ...he says he wants a penis which touches the floor.....so the genie gives him four inch legs. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:00 AM ........, c.1974 ........, c.1969 Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 DC |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:49 PM Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face! Hey Steve, I have no problem with either yours or Mrrzy's joke. It was you who raised the question of misogyny. Pots and kettles. DC |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:47 AM Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one. From: Steve Shaw - PM Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:49 AM ... tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic. No more misogynistic than the joke you posted at the top of the thread where a man committed a sexual assault while pretending to guess a woman's age. DC |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 31 Oct 23 - 06:27 AM Quasi-clever plays on words were the meat and drink of music hall stand-up comedian double acts. as in:- "Are you the front end of an ass?" "No!" "Are you the front end of an ass?" "No!" "Then you must be no end of an ass!" or "My dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Terrible!" or "My wife's gone to the West Indies." "Jamaica?" "No, she went of her own accord." They have a long and honourable role in the history of joke telling. DC |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 19 Nov 23 - 06:52 AM The toothbrush said I HATE MY JOB. "Puhleez, do you want to switch jobs for a day" said the TP. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 05 Nov 23 - 03:34 PM Spun puns are no fun for Gillymor anymore |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 05 Nov 23 - 10:58 AM I have my theories why Steve is such a crab and shellfish. Perhaps he blew a Seal but I'll leave his private life out of it. I know some Brits drink like a fish but it goes deeper than that. He has often fought me in text and hits me with a sucker punch so I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke but there he was Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I could sea the anchor in his eyes. I won't give him a bouquet of flounders or a few minnows of praise because I can not fathom he will ever apollockjize. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Nov 23 - 02:34 PM Does anyone remember when I made a joke about the Chiropractor? It was about a weak back. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:23 PM Man walks into a bar and pulls from his pocket a foot tall man and tiny piano. The small man procedes to play the piano much to the amzement of the clientelle. Barman has to ask where the bloke got the diminutive musician from. Well, I aksed this genie for a 12" penis but he was very hard of hearing... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Nov 23 - 10:21 AM Of a similar ilk to Mrrzy's Fairy grants a BlacK bloke 3 wishes He says, "I want to be white, uptight and out of sight" So she turns him into a tampon |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 18 Nov 23 - 09:25 PM |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 12 Nov 23 - 12:16 AM "Risk it! Risk it!" (Ssssssssss!) Sorry again. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:04 PM Dam! Sorry. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Nov 23 - 09:12 AM Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 30 Oct 23 - 10:22 PM The person who told me this joke wsx horrified when I laughed... What did one tampon say to the other? ... ... ... Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. |
