BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

900!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM

I wasn't allowed take my sheep dog in the pub today. It's a ban collie day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Oct 23 - 07:52 AM

Ooh, good'n.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Oct 23 - 03:57 PM

Cartoon, fish and shark, having a conversation.

Shark: hi, what's your name? Fish tells name, then asks, what's your name? Shark answers Gerard...

But most folks just call me AAAAAAAAAARGH!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:50 AM

I did warn that it was nerdy.

I laughed, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 11:49 PM

Nerd joke:

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B. Mandlebrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandlebrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 10:28 PM

Looking for improper words in the dictionary reminds me of the old lady complaining about the boys who kept whistling dirty songs outside her window...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 11:28 PM

A group of astrophysicists tired of all the scatalogical jokes being made out of the word Uranus so they proposed changing the planet's name to... Urectum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:55 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "How about a divorce?".
I told her I wasn't planning to spend that much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

An old lady who lived alone in a house by a river called the County Sheriff.
"I want to report some young boys acting indecently! They're playing in the river right down the hill from my house. And they are NUDE!"

"Well," said the sheriff, "boys will be boys, but I'll send someone out to move them."

A couple of hours later, she called back. "They only moved a little ways. When I go to sit on my front porch, I can still see them! I am offended!"

Again, the sheriff sends a deputy out, and again, the old lady calls back.
"They moved behind some bushes, but when I go to my upstairs sewing room, I can still see them!"

Now the sheriff decides to solve the problem once and for all, and goes out himself to move the boys a couple of hundred yards down the river.

He thinks all is well, but again she calls back!

"I had them move way down! Now what?"

" Well,if I go up to my attic and lean way out the attic window with my binoculars, I can still see them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 04:41 PM

Oh, Dr. Johnson was a witty one! After he published his dictionary, a delegation of women went to see him to complain.
The spokeswoman said huffily, "Dr. Johnson, your dictionary contains some 'improper' words!"
"Madam," he replied, "you've been looking for them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 12:35 PM

"Ah Sandy, I haven't seen you since last week"

"Aye, I was on holiday."

"Where did you go?"

"Went to Pitlochry. I'd never been there."

"And how did Velma like it?"

"Oh, it was just me."

"You went without her?"

"Aye, Velma's already been to Pitlochry"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM

A good cop knows when to wait!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:54 PM

A young very good ventriloquist is touring Sweden, and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
   Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:21 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
   A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
   Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
   After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 23 - 10:26 PM

A rich farmer decided to wed and married a girl so beautiful that he couldn’t keeps his hands off her...

So he fired them all and bought a combine harvester.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:28 AM

I'm sure that some of my/our jokes go back to at least the 1800s, Doug, though undoubtedly many have gone through the folk-joke process...

The oldest known joke is a Sumerian one from 1900 BC. It's a fart joke and I don't get it:

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial ...

A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:25 AM

From the wall of Gaj's restaurant in the 1960s: Women in Labour keep Capitalism in Power.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 11:00 AM

........, c.1974

........, c.1969


Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:45 AM

Graffiti again, this time on the wall of the gents in the Union building, Imperial College, c.1969:

"Shit hard - it's a long way to the refectory"

and:

"Eat shit - 150,000,000 flies can't be wrong"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:16 AM

It's no use standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump six feet.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:10 AM

Speaking of which, graffiti seen on the wall of the gents' toilet, Ratagan youth hostel, c. 1974:

"ECONOMY DRIVE: please use both sides of the paper."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 10:05 AM

The toothbrush might hate its job but the bumwipe hates its jobbie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Nov 23 - 06:52 AM

The toothbrush said I HATE MY JOB. "Puhleez, do you want to switch jobs for a day" said the TP.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Nov 23 - 09:25 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Nov 23 - 04:20 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Nov 23 - 12:16 AM

"Risk it! Risk it!" (Ssssssssss!)

Sorry again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Nov 23 - 08:07 PM

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he come across an Indian laying with his ear against the earth.

He asks, “what are you up to?”

The Indian replies, “Two horses pulling a wagon…a man, two women and a kid on board.”

Impressed, the cowboy says, “That’s amazing, you can tell all that from listening to the vibrations?”

The Indian replies, “No, they just ran over me.”


(I did look up whether "Indian" is regarded as derogatory and couldn't find a settled answer. So I've risked it!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:12 PM

Thank you so much, gillymor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 05:04 PM

Dam!

Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 03:34 PM

Spun puns are no fun for Gillymor anymore

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 12:09 PM

A joke thread is not the place for airing out personal grievances, especially in such a lame, unfunny manner.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 10:58 AM

I have my theories why Steve is such a crab and shellfish. Perhaps he blew a Seal but I'll leave his private life out of it. I know some Brits drink like a fish but it goes deeper than that. He has often fought me in text and hits me with a sucker punch so I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke but there he was Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I could sea the anchor in his eyes. I won't give him a bouquet of flounders or a few minnows of praise because I can not fathom he will ever apollockjize.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:27 AM

There were two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "OK, I'll drive, you shoot the guns..."


(I really must scale back on the fish jokes...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 23 - 09:18 AM

What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?


Denis.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Nov 23 - 06:43 AM

I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problem. Two weeks later I stand corrected.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 02:34 PM

Does anyone remember when I made a joke about the Chiropractor?


It was about a weak back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:24 PM

That's similar to the one about the wicked queen in Snow White, the bit where she thinks she's seen Snow White off with the poisoned apple, so she asks her magic mirror:

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?

At last the magic mirror tells her what she wants to hear, but, unbeknown to her, a servant is listening through the keyhole. When the wicked queen has left the room, he sneaks up to the mirror and says:

Mirror mirror on the door
Make my penis touch the floor!

And his legs dropped off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 12:23 PM

Man walks into a bar and pulls from his pocket a foot tall man and tiny piano. The small man procedes to play the piano much to the amzement of the clientelle.

Barman has to ask where the bloke got the diminutive musician from.

Well, I aksed this genie for a 12" penis but he was very hard of hearing...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Nov 23 - 11:07 AM

Man finds a bottle, picks it up and out pops a genie. First wish...loads of money, second wish big house....third wish ...he says he wants a penis which touches the floor.....so the genie gives him four inch legs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 23 - 10:21 AM

Of a similar ilk to Mrrzy's

Fairy grants a BlacK bloke 3 wishes

He says, "I want to be white, uptight and out of sight"

So she turns him into a tampon

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Nov 23 - 09:12 AM

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 02:26 PM

My joke didn't have any misogyny. As simple as that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:49 PM

Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face!

Hey Steve, I have no problem with either yours or Mrrzy's joke. It was you who raised the question of misogyny. Pots and kettles.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 12:33 PM

Ye gods, Doug, unpo your face! First, as with most jokes, the scene is totally unreal and ridiculous. Second, he "didn't sexually assault" her. She invited him!

Priest was having a round of golf with his mate.

At the first hole his mate took a swing and completely missed the ball. "Oh SHIT! Missed the bastard!" he shouted.

"Dearie me, my son. Watch your tongue. The Lord above doesn't want to hear that kind of language!"

Second hole, same thing happened. "SHIT! Missed the bastard again!"

"I've warned you, my son. Any more of that language and God may strike you down!"

Next hole, same thing. "SHIT! Missed the bastard AGAIN!!"

Suddenly, the clouds parted, a thunderbolt ripped through the clouds and the priest dropped dead. Came a mighty voice from the heavens, "SHIT! Missed the bastard!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:47 AM

Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one.

From: Steve Shaw - PM Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 11:13 AM

Well you'll have to apprise of what "top of the thread" means because I can't find one.

I can't think of anyone in my circle of friends who would consider the use of "bitches" in that joke to be appropriate, and we are a jolly lot. It's a derogatory way of referring to women, and the women implied in that joke seem to have done nothing to deserve it unless you think there's something wrong with tampon-wearing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:59 AM

I thought Mrrzy's joke was funny no matter how you choose to define it. I hope this doesn't lapse into a "What is a joke thread?".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 10:49 AM

... tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic.

No more misogynistic than the joke you posted at the top of the thread where a man committed a sexual assault while pretending to guess a woman's age.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 23 - 09:43 AM

You are not disagreeing with me, Doug, even though you try hard to at times. Read my post again and see if you can spot the word "necessarily" this time round. When you've done that, tell me in all honesty whether you think that Mrrzy's "joke" was funny rather than misogynistic.