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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 26 Sep 23 - 11:49 PM Nerd joke: What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B. Mandlebrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandlebrot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 26 Sep 23 - 04:41 AM In America it's called an elevator while in the UK it's called a lift I guess we were just raised differently |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 25 Sep 23 - 06:19 AM A few one-line groaners from Tim Vine, who was asked what jokes he'd put inside Christmas crackers: I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them? The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet. My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles. I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney. You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong. I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short. I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups. I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 23 Sep 23 - 06:47 AM 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and it's Micks' final question for a million pounds. 'Which bird never makes a nest 1) a sparrow, 2)a swallow, 3) a blackbird, 4) a cuckoo. Micks' only lifeline left is phone a friend so the host phones Paddy and Mick asks him the question. Paddy immediately says 'It's the cuckoo'. Mick wins the million pounds!!!!! When he gets home, he asks Paddy 'How did you know it was a cuckoo'?? To which Paddy replied 'Because cuckoos live in clocks you fool'!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Sep 23 - 11:11 AM What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 20 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM An old lady who lived alone in a house by a river called the County Sheriff. "I want to report some young boys acting indecently! They're playing in the river right down the hill from my house. And they are NUDE!" "Well," said the sheriff, "boys will be boys, but I'll send someone out to move them." A couple of hours later, she called back. "They only moved a little ways. When I go to sit on my front porch, I can still see them! I am offended!" Again, the sheriff sends a deputy out, and again, the old lady calls back. "They moved behind some bushes, but when I go to my upstairs sewing room, I can still see them!" Now the sheriff decides to solve the problem once and for all, and goes out himself to move the boys a couple of hundred yards down the river. He thinks all is well, but again she calls back! "I had them move way down! Now what?" " Well,if I go up to my attic and lean way out the attic window with my binoculars, I can still see them!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Sep 23 - 04:24 PM An ancient couple were at their friends' house and were chatting away. The old boy said, “Last night we went out to a fantastic restaurant we've never been to before." His friend asked what the name of the restaurant was. "Oh blimey, what was it now...". After a moment's thought he said, "What's the name of that flower you give on Valentines Day, you know, the red one with thorns...?" “Do you mean a rose?” “Ah, yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and said, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Sep 23 - 02:05 PM I have a friend who has started up a new hobby, taking pictures of salmon in different outfits. He says it's really easy, like shooting fish in apparel |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 18 Sep 23 - 11:28 PM A group of astrophysicists tired of all the scatalogical jokes being made out of the word Uranus so they proposed changing the planet's name to... Urectum. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 18 Sep 23 - 10:28 PM Looking for improper words in the dictionary reminds me of the old lady complaining about the boys who kept whistling dirty songs outside her window... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 18 Sep 23 - 05:42 PM Boss - "Where are you?" Me - "I'm on the train heading for the south coast". Boss - "You're supposed be in work!" Me - "But you told me that you wanted me in Brighton early in the morning". DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 15 Sep 23 - 08:10 AM She said 'Hey Scotsman, is anything worn under your kilt'? He replied 'Noo dear, everything is in purrfect wurrkin order'! Shesaid 'Do you wear anything under your kilt'? He replied 'Putt yer haand up underneath and find oot'. She did but quickly removed her hand saying ' Ohhh It's gruesome'!! He said 'Putt yer haand up under again ye'll find its grew some more'!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 Sep 23 - 07:37 AM How weird - That sprang to mind as I was driving this morning! I had not seen the thread till now/ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Sep 23 - 06:55 AM A young man spotted a very old man sitting on a park bench, sobbing his heart out. "Can I help?" asked the young man. The old man said, “It’s a lovely day to be out and about. I'm 95 today. I am rich. I have a big country mansion with servants who do everything for me. I have a superb new sports car, a private jet and a yacht. I have a gorgeous young wife who's organising my birthday party right this minute.” "Blimey, sounds like you should be the happiest man alive! Why the tears?" "I can't remember where my house is..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Sep 23 - 05:45 PM The Blackadder episode with Dr Johnson is a cracker. Yes that was intentional :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 08 Sep 23 - 04:41 PM Oh, Dr. Johnson was a witty one! After he published his dictionary, a delegation of women went to see him to complain. The spokeswoman said huffily, "Dr. Johnson, your dictionary contains some 'improper' words!" "Madam," he replied, "you've been looking for them!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Sep 23 - 12:48 PM I was poisoned by a water fountain at the Vatican Museums. Fortunately, the symptoms set in the day after we arrived home. We paid for a fast-track ticket but still waited over two hours to get in. Same at the Colosseum. In the words of Dr Johnson, worth seeing, but not worth going to see. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:58 AM .... Oh, and warning for those about to visit the Vatican: They installed airport-type screening kit at the entrance to the Sistine Chapel, sometime between our first and second visits there, and the queues then were four hours long. Perhaps Fabio's missus is still in the queue. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM There's a comment about imitation and flattery, but it escapes me .... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:18 AM Yebbut I posted my version of that one ages ago... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Sep 23 - 10:58 AM Yay! You've done it Don :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 08 Sep 23 - 08:32 AM Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands. One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years. Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 49th anniversary. Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?” Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 06 Sep 23 - 02:03 PM That's the last time I go giving blood. They wanted to know who's blood it was, where I got it and why it was in a bucket! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 06 Sep 23 - 12:35 PM "Ah Sandy, I haven't seen you since last week" "Aye, I was on holiday." "Where did you go?" "Went to Pitlochry. I'd never been there." "And how did Velma like it?" "Oh, it was just me." "You went without her?" "Aye, Velma's already been to Pitlochry" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 29 Aug 23 - 12:21 PM When I forgot her birthday... she said 'well you can just go out now and get me some item with loads of diamonds in'.....so I did. She loves her new pack of playing cards!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:55 AM I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "How about a divorce?". I told her I wasn't planning to spend that much. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:26 AM She said....'Please show me an example of innuendo'? So I gave her one!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Aug 23 - 07:30 PM Two old ladies were chatting. Sez one: "Awful thing happened last week. I was cooking the Sunday lunch and I sent my husband to the allotment to pick us a nice cabbage. He was just about to cut it when he dropped dead of a heart attack!" "Oh my God! That's awful! What did you do?" "Well, I had to open a tin of peas..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM 900! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Aug 23 - 03:14 PM I wasn't allowed take my sheep dog in the pub today. It's a ban collie day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 27 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM A good cop knows when to wait! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 26 Aug 23 - 08:06 PM Cop on his walkie-talkie back to the station: "I've just arrived at a crime scene: a woman has just shot a man for walking on her wet mopping..." "Well have you moved in and made an arrest?" "Are you joking? The mopping is still wet..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 26 Aug 23 - 07:09 PM Ye-hah, Bill! :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:54 PM A young very good ventriloquist is touring Sweden, and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 26 Aug 23 - 06:21 PM The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:52 PM I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either. I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them. They were in Aisle C. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:49 PM A woman texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over them and then gently tap edges with hammer." She texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 25 Aug 23 - 05:31 PM Stolen from a (I *think*) Punch's recaption-this-cartoon competition:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 25 Aug 23 - 04:13 PM I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian. I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 24 Aug 23 - 07:37 PM Another shameless nick from Quora: A man is on a desert island, been there alone for years. One day he is sat on the beach and out from the sea comes a beautiful woman in a wet suit. He runs to her and says "Thank God. You are the first human I’ve seen in 20 years!" She smiles and says “You poor thing, when was the last time you had a drink?” and she unzips a pocket and pulls out a hip flask of brandy. He takes a sip, a tear fills his eye. “Do you smoke?” she asked. “Well I was thinking of giving up but, if you have one..." And she unzips a pocket and pulled out a pack and hands them to him. He lights up and a smile spreads across his face. She says “20 years eh? That's a long time to be alone,” and she starts to unzip the front of her wet suit seductively. “How would you like to play around?” And he says “Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!!!???” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Aug 23 - 05:09 PM The vicar was strolling along the road when he spotted a young woman coming towards him. She was having a jolly chat on her mobile phone and one of her tits was hanging out of her blouse. "How dare you! Cover yourself up right now, you brazen hussy!" She looked down at herself in a blind panic and blurted out, "Oh shit! I've left my baby on the bus...!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:42 PM Yes, excellent, Bill! I've already sent that one 12000 miles to my brother in NZ. :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 19 Aug 23 - 08:28 PM *Muffled guffaw*, Bill D. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 19 Aug 23 - 07:20 PM Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start ringing. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Aug 23 - 04:43 PM Another naked steal from Quora: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me". The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Aug 23 - 02:09 PM :-D We've gone out of sync now. I'll not try to get it back If you try to get the joke back in sync it will just go down the plughole. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Aug 23 - 12:03 PM Yep. A joke who knows no jokes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Aug 23 - 12:01 PM Currently the joke thread and the KISS thread have exactly the same number of posts! I'm sure Don will find some significance |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:46 AM Couple more Olaf Falafel ones My attempt at combining nitrous oxide and an Oxo cube failed. Made me a laughing stock What Saint goes up and down? St. Francis of a seesaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 19 Aug 23 - 11:38 AM Oh bugger! I'll have to type faster next time. DC |
