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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Jul 23 - 09:15 AM I've just divorced my cross-eyed wife. She was seeing someone on the side. My little son swallowed eight plastic horses. The doc said that his condition is stable. The sign at the bottom of the escalator said "Dogs must be carried." I couldn't use it. I didn't have a dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Jul 23 - 08:50 AM My colleague can't attend the Innuendo Convention next week after all, so I'm going to have to fill her slot. I have a pencil that once belonged to Shakespeare. Unfortunately, he chewed the end, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B. A dwarf psychic has escaped from prison. The police have warned that there's a small medium at large. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 05 Jul 23 - 08:42 AM The dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 05 Jul 23 - 07:44 AM Wisdom from an optimistic dyslexic: When you get a lemon, make melonade. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 30 Jun 23 - 07:27 PM "Camera on the ass", I suppose. Pretty good one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Raggytash Date: 30 Jun 23 - 07:15 PM Could someone explain that to me please! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 30 Jun 23 - 02:17 PM Someone told me their favorite proctologist was Cameron Diaz, and my sea breeze tried to come out my nose... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 26 Jun 23 - 01:38 PM Variation of an old chestnut: A guy steps into a confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I took an ED pill and have an erection that's lasted more than four hours." The priest says, "Shouldn't you inform your doctor? Why are you telling me this?" The guy answers, "Hell, father, I'm telling everybody." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 26 Jun 23 - 01:21 PM Little lad in the playground obviously quite upset. "What's up?" asked the teacher "They keep saying that my Dad is gay" he replied "Well, it doesn't matter. Lots of people are gay" "Yebbut I don't know which Dad they mean..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 26 Jun 23 - 12:15 PM OK, time for a Ha Ha Only Serious: Science Fiction (n): nostalgia for the future. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 24 Jun 23 - 10:38 PM So a couple are going to bed for the first time. The man takes off his socks, and his toes are really twisted. Oh, he says, yes, I had tolio as a child. Ok. Takes off his pants, and his knees are all weird. Ah, yes, childhood kneezles, he says. He takes off his underwear... ... lemme guess... ...Smallcox? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 24 Jun 23 - 01:18 PM I once read that a man had been shot in the Gorbals... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 24 Jun 23 - 11:59 AM Ouch, Steve. But it gives me the opportunity to mention the time when I had a rather embarrassing examination in the doctor's (the nature of which will become obvious). Afterwards, the doctor showed me a news article, complete with picture, with the headline "Bullfighter gored in the ring". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 24 Jun 23 - 05:54 AM I accidentally put this into the recipe thread - don't read anything into that! A tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish town, and asked to be served the speciality of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Señor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what??" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist was horrified, but bravely he decided to taste the dish. He found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones are very tasty, but they're nowhere near as big as yesterday's..." "Well, señor," replied the waiter, "You see, the bull he does not always lose..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 23 Jun 23 - 06:56 AM I was just goofin with you, Ma Filk. It was a pretty good one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Jun 23 - 06:09 AM It was an accidental bilingual pun. Lady Mondegreen would have appreciated it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 22 Jun 23 - 07:17 PM I don't get it but I imagine Hitler would have busted a gut. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 22 Jun 23 - 06:54 PM I can't remember whether I've mentioned this here before, but I was told this came to pass at a bowling alley in Nottingham, during a break at the bar in a match against a German team (apologies for mispelings):
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 21 Jun 23 - 10:57 PM Two flies were perched on a pile of dung, one of them farts and the the other one says "please, not while I'm eating." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Jun 23 - 12:32 PM Going back to my youth I remember another one for Don What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 21 Jun 23 - 10:14 AM OK, here's one propagated by Sir pTerry: Customer: Why d'you call this pub the Broken Drum? Barman: You can't beat it. (And you can't even go Badum Tish at the end.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Jun 23 - 08:01 AM God, I love the occasional piano accordion joke... Q. What's the definition of an optimist? A. A piano accordionist with a mortgage. A bloke goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week..." "Hmm. I'll give you a mild laxative. Report back to me in a week." A week later the bloke comes back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, I'll give you a stronger laxative then..." A week later he's back again: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a professional piano accordionist, Doc." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that solves it! Here's ten quid. Go and get something to eat..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 20 Jun 23 - 10:16 AM Joe walked into the Pharmacy and asked for 6 white toilet rolls. The pharmacist replied 'We only have blue' It's OK' said Joe,' I'm getting the bus home anyway'....... This one was especially for Donuel!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 20 Jun 23 - 06:19 AM Glad you liked it. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 20 Jun 23 - 06:14 AM Anyway, Doug, you owld curmudgeon, a couple of things. My missus didn't laugh at any of my three horse jokes but she loved your golf one*. Huh. Second, I've been listening to your great Blue-tail Fly on YouTube. I haven't heard that since my dad sang it when I was a little lad (he only knew the chorus and about one verse). It took me back did that, so cheers! *As indeed did I... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 20 Jun 23 - 06:06 AM I used to be half of a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head. A horse walked into a bar. The surprised barman shouted, "Hey!" The horse said, "No thanks, just a pint. I've already eaten." A white horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hey, we have a whisky named after you!" "What?" said the horse, "You have a whisky called George?" Doug, I've posted more jokes in this thread than anyone else, possibly more than all of youse put together. Know what I'm sayin'? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 20 Jun 23 - 05:29 AM It's a joke thread, Steve! A keen golfer gets married. They delay the honeymoon because he has some major competitions coming up. Through the first year, he is out on th÷ golf course whenever he is not at work. One day, he comes home to find his wife thumbing through one of his golfing magazine: "I've just been looking at the price of your golf clubs - even second hand. If we sold them we could put the money towards a honeymoon trip to Europe. You spend too much time playing golf, anyway." "You're beginning to sound like my ex-wife" he replies. "Ex-wife? You never told me you'd been married before!" "I haven't". DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jun 23 - 05:48 PM Not so, Mrrzy. Catalysts don't start things. Typically, they make things that are going slowly go faster. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Jun 23 - 05:37 PM Isn't a catalyst a moggy leaning to one side? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 19 Jun 23 - 04:04 PM Ah, but without the catalyst, things don't start, said Tom convertably. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jun 23 - 03:57 PM (Open po-face) Catalysts don't start things: they speed things up or allow things to proceed in different conditions. (Close po-face) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mr Red Date: 19 Jun 23 - 02:30 PM A catalyst went into a bar. The bouncer said "you can't come in, last time you were here you started something" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 18 Jun 23 - 04:51 PM I 5hought he said that to Thomas But I doubt it |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM Jesus is hanging on the cross. He calls out weakly to his disciple Paul, "Paul, come to me..." As Paul approaches the cross he is attacked and severely beaten by a bunch of Roman soldiers. He's knocked out. Just as he's coming round, Jesus calls to him, "Paul, come to me..." This time the soldiers really kick the shit out of him. He's bleeding from every orifice. As he's lying there trying to collect himself, he hears Jesus calling him again, "Paul, come to me..." This time, in spite of more vicious attacks, he just manages to crawl to the foot of the cross. "What was it you wanted to say to me, o Lord?" "I just thought I'd mention that I've got a great view of your house from up here..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mr Red Date: 18 Jun 23 - 03:26 AM A gladiator walks into a bar in downtown Rome "a Martinus, barman" "don't you mean Martini?" "If I wanted a double I would ask for one!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 18 Jun 23 - 01:07 AM I thought the last one was by Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Jun 23 - 07:22 PM More novels: Cat in Bed, by Claude Balls. The Methodology of Gay Sex, by Ben Dover and Phil McCavity (God forgive me...) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Jun 23 - 04:19 PM Fell off a cliff by Eileen Dover I know forests by Theresa Green Accident in the kitchen by Fat Burns |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 17 Jun 23 - 03:38 PM I m currently reading a fascinating book called 'The Cannibal' by Henrietta Mann.... much better than the previous one I read, which was ' Fairy Tales' by Alison Wanda Land |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Jun 23 - 10:10 AM Sick. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 17 Jun 23 - 09:27 AM Compared to the middle age population Rest Homes have more diapersity. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 17 Jun 23 - 09:23 AM Mu. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Jun 23 - 08:33 AM Try to post something grammatical, preferably with a punchline appended. We'd all like to know what you're talking about. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 17 Jun 23 - 08:05 AM The weirdos in England are celebrating the not the King's birthday today, to the 'drooping of the other' real birthday. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Jun 23 - 02:50 AM When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others. The same can be said of the stupid :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jun 23 - 07:16 PM In similar vein (and a bit of an oldie): A bloke turned up to a fancy dress party with a naked young woman on his shoulders. The host asked him, "What's this? What have you come as?" "A tortoise," he replied. "A tortoise? So what's that lovely naked young woman doing on your back?" "Ah, that's Michelle..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jun 23 - 07:11 PM I love a good groaner, so try this one: A lizard walks into a bar pushing his baby in a pushchair. "What's your kid's name?" asks the barman. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Tiny?" Said the barman, "Why do you call him that?" "Because he's my newt." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Jun 23 - 04:42 PM An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 16 Jun 23 - 07:38 AM A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Jim Dixon Date: 15 Jun 23 - 11:06 PM Yesterday I met a guy who reminded me of my dad. He just walked up to me and said: "Don't forget your dad." |
