Lyr Add: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy

Subject: Take in Your Hand Mistress Murphy (Bawdy Song)
From: and e
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 06:43 PM

A song from G. Legman's I Love You I Really Do, Part 2 page 289. Sung to a girl who asked for a "nice" bawdy song when Legman was about 19 years old [ca 1934]. He said it was sung with a "proper mock-Irish brogue and lilting tune":

When you take it in your hand, Mistress Murphy,
You'll find it only weighs three-quahrters[sic] of a pound.
It's got feathers on the neck like a turkey,
Will you take it standin' up or layin' down?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy
From: and e
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 06:46 PM

From: Midchuck - PM
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 10:15 AM

(To the tune of "Red River Valley - slowly, in multipart harmony)

You can hold it in your hand, Mrs. Murphy,
For it only weighs three quarters of a pound.
It's got hair around its neck like a turkey,
And it spits when you jerk it up and down!

Peter.

Retrieved from here: https://mudcat.org/detail_pf.cfm?messages__Message_ID=208311

Subject: RE: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy
From: and e
Date: 13 Jan 23 - 06:55 PM

A fragment is found on pg 37 in The Canfield Collection (1926) where he says:

My father used to sing an old song that started, "Oh, wont you take it in your hand Mrs. Murphy?" But he has forgotten it. It was seemingly endless. Do you know of it?

https://archive.org/details/1926canfieldcollection/page/n37/mode/2up

The request for info dated 1926 would indicate the song dates to at least 1900.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy
From: and e
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 09:34 AM

From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 11:47 AM

There was a ditty we used to sing in Brooklyn in the mid-1950s, to a sort of ersatz country tune:

You can hold it in your hand Mr. Murphy
'Cause it only weighs a quarter of a pound
It's got hair on its back like a turkey
And it squirts when you rub it up and down

Retrieved from here: https://mudcat.org/detail_pf.cfm?messages__Message_ID=1229890

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Jan 23 - 05:42 PM

FWIW, the version I heard in the 1950s asked her to take it all in her mouth, and a second verse in which she complied, but spat it out when she found it had no Colman's mustard on it.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy
From: and e
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 12:55 PM

Here is a much longer version:

COME AND SIT ON MY FACE IF YOU LOVE ME
Melody - Red River Valley
Contributed by Sky Queen, St Louis/Belleville HHH; also known as "Take It in the Hand, Mrs Murphy"

Come and sit on my face, if you love me,
Come and sit on my face, if you care,
And I'll drink from your Red River Valley,
And munch on your curly pubic hairs.

Oh, if I had the wings of an eagle,
And the balls of a hairy baboon,
I would fly to the ends of creation,
And I'd butt-fuck the Man in the Moon.

Oh, take it in the hand, Mrs Murphy,
It feels just like a rolling pin.
But if you roll it between your hands,
It'll take some time to be useful again.

Oh, take it in the mouth, Mrs Murphy,
It only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs round its neck like a turkey,
And it spits when you shake it up and down.

Oh, take it between the breasts, Mrs Murphy,
And look it straight in its one eye.
It will lie at peace between your bosom,
Until finally milk-tears you cry.

Oh, place it between your legs, Mrs Murphy,
It is just aching to crawl inside.
It has a helmet on its head like a soldier,
And it will shoot all its ammo, then die.

Oh, but never touch Flying Booger's (insert hasher's name), Mrs Murphy,
It seems his is covered with scabs.
His's has warts all over like a horny toad,
And is protected by an army of crabs.

Retrieved from https://hch3.net/song/Song_Books/f.htm#f16 on 1/26/23.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take in Your Hand Mrs Murphy
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 09:45 PM

It is surely in the files of mudcat under the "monkey boy" collection of rugby/hash songs.

Sincerly,
Gargoyle
The tune is NOT "Red River Valley